Breaking Bad - Review:- 06.06.2014

It's time that more schools and institutions taught the art of critical thinking, the ability to see both sides of a coin. In a society where most young people under the age of 25 consider themselves tolerant, there are many who, simply, aren't. 

These are the Little Princes (because most of them seem to be male), who refuse to accept any divergent opinion, but who recognise the only fact prevalent as their opinion. Sorry, lads, you are entitled to your own opinion - as I am entitled to mine - but you are not entitled to your own facts.

What I say in this blog is contained in this blog. It goes no place else. It is my blog, do you understand that? My blog.

If you don't like what I have to say or the length I take to say it, then my advice to you is simple:-

Fuck off and don't read it.

I'm beginning to wonder if these people's singular inability to think critically or to tolerate anyone else's opinion but their own is down to good old-fashioned immaturity. Man up, grow up and grow a pair, instead of taking to the safety of an internet screen in a cack-handed attempt to bully.

But then, bullies are cowards.

Let me just say, succinctly, that this episode was, indeed, crap from beginning to end. If you don't want to know why either don't read the following or stick your fingers in your ears and shout LALALALALALALALA.

After all, that's what Tina Carter would do.

The Big Week of Billy Ends.

I'm in the minority of viewers because I actually do like Billy Mitchell, mostly because everyone knows a Billy, a perenniel loser, but also because, when called upon to do so, Perry Fenwick steps up and delivers. He's certainly done so this week. Earlier in the year, I criticised DTC for seeming to regress Billy's character to the down-and-out he was before Janine rejuvenated him.

Well, I'm hoping I was wrong, because it seems as though Billy's being pointed in a different direction, and we'll be seeing a male single parent struggle with the upbringing of a special needs child. We shall see ... I hope. Otherwise, it's all for nowt and sensationalism.

In the meantime, there were these niggles with the story.

- Garry Hobbs? Uncle Garry lives on a boat? Surely that had to mean Garry Hobbs? That boat was almost in bits and little more than a hobby fishing boat when Garry left Walford in 2010. Is he still with Dawn? If so, are we to assume that Garry, Dawn and six-year-old Summer are living on the boat? Jay used to visit them after they left Walford. Maybe they've got a bigger boat. Still, that was a blast from the past and a weird surprise to find that "Uncle Garry" was still living on a boat. Garry, Minty and Gnomi had a mortgage on the flat where they lived. Gnomi walked away from it (being scared out of Walford by Mad May), Garry walked away from it, and Minty walked away from it too. I guess it was repossessed, huh?

- Honey has a plane in four hours. Why isn't she on her way to the airport? Check-in for international flights asks that you be there at least three hours before departure. And with children and the security procedures you have to follow, that's about right. So ends Billy's week-long major storyline, resulting in Billy keeping Janet, and William going with Honey. I suspect that, within a year's time, we'll hear that Honey's met someone in Canada, will be marrying and William will stay. So now, Billy's got a daughter, a granddaughter and a great-granddaughter for whom to fend. I guess his squat will grow another bedroom and all.

The Carters That Should Matter.

Mick and Linda are re-treads. If you don't believe me, check out the Vic ca 2003 and then again ca 1985. Mick and Linda are Alfie-Moon-Marries-Angie-Watts. But consider this: Every couple who's ever fronted the Vic have, at some point, split up - Den and Angie, Frank and Pat, Wicksy and Sharon, Grant and Sharon, Peggy and Frank, Peggy and Archie, Alfie and Kat.

Why should this couple be any different? True, they've been together, literally, since they've been kids, but it's obvious to the discerning viewer that, at least on Mick's part, familiarity is breeding contempt, and this contempt is being fueled and fired by none other than Mick's old unknown scrote of a Ma, Shirley Queen of Scrotes.

- Linda gets undermined again. I love Kellie Bright. I love Linda Carter. She's the best new character on the show. Mick can call her "baby" all he wants, and I've no doubt he loves the bones of her, but he bows from the waist to his sisters, and he shouldn't do that. Tonight we saw "Shirley the Matriarch." No further comment on this marmite character, except to say that, subtly goaded by Shirley, who was openly rude and derisive of Linda's efforts to put her stamp on the pub, Mick moaned about the portrait sign costing 500 quid, but laughed away the fact that his sister defaced it. Ah, but the fire brigade came in to spend 500 quid in drinks that covered the portrait. Maybe they spend a grand, and that would cover Dean's secret deposit and all.

Put it this way, if my husband's sister or mother had spoken to me the way Shirley Queen of Scrotes spoke to Linda, my husband would see to it that they politely left my premises never to return. Mick is a wimp. There, I said it.


- Two Alfie Moons. Spot Mick morphing into Alfie at the dedication, and spot Alfie morphing into Mick when he gently advises Bianca against her new venture. He was adamant that Kat not be involved. Close your eyes, and the characters of Alfie and Mick are interchangeable.

The Murder Mystery Spouts Incongruencies.

Spot the holes in the cream cheese.

- Has the surgery flat grown, shrunk or what? When Mad May and Rob lived there, I thought it was a one-bedroomed affair, yet when Heather moved in with George, it was more of a bedsit, with George's bed and Heather's mattress in the main living area. But now there's Cora, Dexter, Abi and Lauren living there? Houses/flats spring up/lose rooms at will. I thought at first Aleks's flat was two-bedroomed, hence the need for a flatmate. Then Tosh moved into what, presumably, is the box room, which she shares with Tina. The mind boggles.

-The look of innocence. I'm actually surprised Jake is still being held at all, especially if the police have told him that evidence shows that Lucy wasn't killed at the flat. Has there been any DNA evidence linking Jake? And once again, Lauren is the person who gave enough evidence to the police that enabled them to think that Jake needed questioning again, and she's allowed to visit him? More than anything else, the lack of feasible continuity is risible in this programme. There's dramatic licence, yes, but this isn't it. Not when Janine, the wife of a murder victim and the chief witness, is allowed to visit the woman accused of Michael's murder, then Peter, the brother of a murder victim, isn't allowed to visit the man accused of her murder because of his relationship with the deceased. Days later, Lauren, a witness in this investigation, and the person whose statement and evidence led the police back to Jake for further questioning, is allowed a visit. That's not dramatic licence, that's sheer, utter fantasy with more than a twinge of sensationalism.

I can buy Phil connecting with Jake. As far as alcoholism goes, Phil's been there and done that. He, more than anyone, would be able to identify a violent drunk as opposed to a sad, self-pitying drunk. (e.g., Time was, drink made Billy violent; that's when he used to abuse Jamie. Drink makes Phil self-pitying and reflective, just like Jake). Phil got a gut feeling about Jake's innocence, but Lauren's reaction when she shopped Jake was, chiefly, all about Lauren and more that Jake was still trying to get in contact with her.

Do you know how I think Lucy's blood sample got in Aleks's flat? Consider that we're talking about something so miniscule that it took police forensics to find it. I think Aleks is responsible for bringing this into the flat. That does not mean I think Aleks killed her. In fact, I don't think that. But I do think that he may have come into contact enough with her killer so that some smidgeon of Lucy's blood ended up on his person. 

Maybe it's Jake, but how young does Lauren look? And who, exactly, is supporting Lauren now, as, IIRC, she was shutting down LB Lettings? Oh, wait ... Max is a bad dad, and what he's done now is probably the worst thing he's ever done (in LaurenWorld), but I bet she stilll expects Dear Old Dad to pay her way. Actually, Lauren, this is not the worst thing Max has ever done. Sleeping with your brother's ex-girlfriend whilst he was married to your mother, really bad; sleeping with your mother when he was married to Bradley's mother and dumping her and Bradley to marry Tanya, really, really bad; living with Tanya when he was married to Kirsty and making Tanya believe he would marry her, when he was still married to someone else,scuzzah bad. But sleeping with Lucy, a twenty year-old single women, when your old man is single, himself, and when Lucy consented to the relationship? Creepy, yes; not nice, yes. But certainly not the worst thing he's done. At least he's never slept with his cousin.

The Star of the Show

Dot:  Yes, she was, and I'm saying that as someone who's not the biggest Dot fan. Dot was right to hand Sonia her arse about her simpering after Tina. FWIW, Tina loves Tosh, and I don't think Tosh comes across as particularly needy, but Tina does. She needs to be the centre of attention, which is why she dresses like a Court Jester and acts like a child. If Tina didn't love Tosh, she wouldn't have gone to the trouble she went to to regain her affection in tonight's episode. You could tell that the pair of them had eyes only for each other, and Bianca clocked Sonia's behaviour.

From the get-go, Dot was 100 per cent right - admonishing Sonia for not telling Martin about her disciplinary at work. Horse hockey to her obvious lie that she didn't want to worry Martin, I'll bet there's plenty she hasn't told him. But the loo scene, where Dot reminded Sonia that her priorities were her husband, her daughter, whom she was lucky to get back after adoption (in another suspension of reality storyline) and her mother who was ill, instead of snogging around with another woman. She can protest that it was "just a kiss," but it was cheating, and cop this: it also means that Tina cheated on Tosh too, and now Tosh knows it.

I get that DTC wants the public to be Team Tina, but why am I finding Tosh the more sympathetic character? Shirley's remarked that Tosh has hit Tina, but then both Tina and Tosh have said that Tina gave as good as she got, and - you know - I can believe that.

And, please ... I'll regurgitate my dinner if I hear Sonia refer to Carol as "Mummy," one more time. It's far too pretentious.

Tosh, Tina, Sonia .... GO. AWAY.

Dean manipulating. I like that, but it's not Tosh who's the needy one. Tina sought Tosh, and Tina's the one who's been unfaithful.

The First MEH of the Week - Review:- 05.06.2014

Thursday's episode was written by Daran Little, my absolute favourite writer on the show. 

I guess he must have been having a bad day because this episode had more bad points than good. It's obvious that this is "Billy Week," amongst other things, the week that saw the end of BGT and the preface to the big bazooka, the World Cup. This was also the episode which went head-to-head against Emmerdale and proved one thing:- that Emmerdale still wins out, which leads me to believe that there are still scores of problems which the show has to rectify. Yes, viewers are coming back, but viewers are still turning off.

A Few Minor Niggles about Billy Week:-

- Does Billy still squat at that flat? Originally, he and Julie moved in as squatters, and he blagged his way around the Social whilst the estate agent was banging on the door with prospective tenants. Billy's working at the chippy, for minimum wage, Lola's unemployed, and it's never been established whether or not Peter pays anything towards the upkeep. Even for - what? - a two-bedroomed basement flat in London, the rent would be exhorbitant. It was also established that Billy sees his kids twice a month at most and pays next-to-nothing for their maintenance, only giving Honey money on her birthday or Christmas. Billy had a pretty decent job with Janine, and he didn't contribute toward his children's financial maintenance?

- This move is all about Honey. Yeah, it is. It's more about her seeing the world and having "adventures" than what's best for her children, and what's worse is that she'll be having these "adventures" financed by her very young son, in the transient and self-obsessed modelling world. She also waxed lyrical about how good this would be "for William," yet little was said about Janet. I'm glad Billy reminded her of what a mare she was at the time of Janet's birth, hoping to abandon the child, then wanting her to be put into care because she was less than perfect.

- What is this "career" that Honey "gave up" for her children? Modelling? She was, at best, a wannabe. Her portfolio consisted of simpering shots taken by Billy atop the washing machines in the launderette. IIRC, she wasn't with Billy long before she fell pregnant. She went into labour with Janet on what was to have been their wedding day. Thereafter, she was mainly a mum, and she fell pregnant again, the year after Janet's birth. Maybe she pulled the odd pint in the Vic, but I want to know what her "career" was.

MAJOR FORESHADOWING ALERT!!!!!!!!

Yet again with the great Linda Carter - "a marriage is nothing if you don't have trust." True. This is the second time Linda's waxed lyrical about the perfect marriage she had with Mick - the first time being in the same cafe in January when she told Sharon succinctly that she'd only ever been with Mick and couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Sounds like the trust element is going to bottom out of the Carter marriage and someone will cheat. This is EastEnders, after all.

In the Wake of Daddy Warbucks's Departure ...

- Carol is still selfish and Bianca is still stupid. Line of the night goes to Carol re Sonia:- Did you ever think how we're going to manage if she can't cover my shifts? I don't get it, Carol. You're younger daughter has been burning the candle at both ends, literally putting her professional career on the line, a career she fought against all odds to attain (in a time when the youngsters on EastEnders actually wanted to make something of themselves), and all you can do is bellow about what happens if she has to give up doing your shifts. Then she moans at Sonia, actually more than implying that Sonia should use the pity card and tell her supervisor that Carol has cancer. I'm sure the supervisor will be very sorry to hear that, but it doesn't belie the fact that Sonia has been late for her shift several times because of attending to Carol's shift - punctuality is important in a nurse's career, because the beginning of their shift is given over to taking a full report by the charge nurse of the status of every patient on the ward; and she's fallen asleep whilst on duty, which doesn't help her duty of care remit. Besides, her ward sister probably clocked her hiding her face the day she fobbed off to go to Carol's non-wedding.

If this is the beginning of Bianca's leaving line - selling dodgy knock-off gear and going to prison again because of it, please kill me now. Not only would I love for Bianca to swan off into the sunset with Ricky for a happy ending in Australia, I want her to take the kids.

It's actually just dawned on me that Bianca is a selfish, grown-up Lil'Orphan Annie, with David as her Daddy Warbucks.

Something about the Beales.

-Peter isn't allowed to see Jake on remand because he's a close relative of the murder victim, yet Janine was allowed to visit Alice when Alice was on remand for Michael's murder, and not only was Janine the wife of the murder victim, she was also, at the time, the prime witness. Go figure that one.

- Ian is a little too close-minded about Jake being the murderer. And that's suspicious. Phil spoke the truth tonight. He's been around the block enough times to know when someone is telling the truth and when he isn't. Ian took Jake into his own home and gave him a job when Jake was in a very dark place. It's never been said that Lucy was a victim of any sort of sexual violence, and the police would have taken a DNA sample from Jake. As I've said, in the real world, the first two suspects the police would try to eliminate would be Ian and Peter, because most murder victims know their killer. It seems as if Ian's taken one thing to heart that Phil and Sharon told him: If Jake is released, the police will be around Ian's house asking more and more questions, and soon that flimsy alibi Ian's got about Good Friday will be blown apart. Just when the murder mystery is losing a bit of momentum, that little element of creepiness pops up again.

A Lot of Old Tosh.

Or should I say, "a lot of old, rank Tina?"

I know this is supposed to be a story leading up to domestic abuse, but why is the so-called "abuser," Tosh, coming off the more sympathetic of the two? More importantly, why is she attracted to a woman who is forty and dresses like a five year-old on the way to fancy dress? Why does Tina act like a retarded 8 year-old on the verge of a hissy fit?

Tosh asks Tina not to bring what is effectively non-essential junk into the boxroom they share, Tina gets stroppy, Shirley Queen of Scrotes steps in, and Tosh relents. Tosh asks her partner to buy a nice frock for her firm's do and Tina spends the day moaning about having to do this, getting in a frazzle, getting drunk and puking on Tosh.

Listen, Honker is attracted to this loser. I guess she'd rather be puked upon than burped at.

Then we find out that Tosh really wants a family and children. Does she know how Tina treated her daughter?

I really hate Tina. Really. Seriously.

Peaks and Pig Troughs - Review:- 03.06.2013

Well, well, well ... at the risk of raising the ire of the bully fanbois, that didn't take long, did it?

I'm talking about the tanking on Tuesday night. Head-to-head against Emmerdale and below 5 million in viewing. With the World Cup starting up next week, meaning alterations in schedule with the programme all over the place, with the good weather here and incipient, with the school holidays upon us soon and with the Commonwealth Games, to score less than 5 million in a sitting at the beginning of June is a pure tut-tut moment.

Still, let's move the goalposts, shall we? Whereas last year, with the failure that was Lorraine Newman, with figures like that, the fanbois would have been baying for her blood, but with WonderBoy - yes, I said it, WonderBoy! Kill me now, scrotes! - they, curiously, seem to cut him some undue slack. I wonder why?

We're well into almost half a year away from "the Big Reveal," and already, several of the more literate commentators on various fora are expressing boredom - with the murdery mystery, because the characters are so unlikeable, in the cancer storyline, because the characters are so unlikeable, and in the Coronation of the New Royal Family of Walford, because Shirley, Queen of Scrotes is so detestable.

Yes, Biffo and your little band of acolytes, I said it, so go try to whine innocently in offense.

I have a feel that the "Big Reveal" isn't reallt about who killed Lucy at all, but about Crown Prince Mick discovering that that sour-beaked, old scrote who emotionally blackmailed a share of the pub from him, is his sainted mother.

Shirley's Coat-of-Arms

Life's a Bitch and So Is Honey.

So this is the big storyline promised to Billy, which will be done and dusted by the end of this week?

Honey's taking the kids to Canada, because William's been spotted for modelling work. It's only for a year, but hands up, who doesn't believe that, within a year's time, Billy will get word that Honey has met and married some Canadian lumberjack and is staying. Just picture it.

(Sigh) ... Wouldn't it have been a lot simpler had Honey been revealed to have met someone else whom she was going to marry and with whom she was going to emigrate? It's difficult enough to emigrate to Canada - they have to prove to their labour department that there's no Canadian qualified to do the work for which they import a Brit or a Russian or whatever. There are plenty of cute blonde boys in Canada. 

Modelling, or modewing (as Honey calls it) is very important to someone as shallow-brained and shallow-minded as Honey. Who can forget those ridiculous pictures Billy took of her simpering atop the washing machines in the launderette.

Honey's a model, all right - the very model of a Village Idiot and a first class bitch.

Phil's busy playing Hart-to-Hart with Sharon, trying to suss Ian's little white lie, Ronnie's not been seen for dust, so the two runts of the Mitchell litter put their heads together to try to sort the problem of Honey moving abroad. The solution results in a bit of subtle passive-aggressive manipulation by Roxy and Billy still clinging to the hope that he could talk Honey around.

If Phil had been on hand, I would hope he'd have suggested Billy contact Ritchie Scott or Jimmy wotsit, because Honey cannot move the kids out of the country for a protacted length of time without Billy's consent. Lola was right. Billy does have rights. This topic was certainly brought up back at the end of 2008, when Tanya and Jack were planning on moving the Branning kids to France without Max's knowledge.

Honey's determined to go, and I wonder how much this does have to do with "seeing the world" because the first thing she said to Billy about it was that the money was really good, so, yes, what Roxy mentioned (tactless though it was) about Honey living off William's earnings held credence.

Line of the night, however, does go to Honey:

Roxy: I didn't have you down for a red wine girl.

Honey: Well. we weren't exactly bosom bunnies.

Sometimes Honeys' malapropisms were contrived, but this one was quite good.

Something else she said was interesting as well - that she was doing very well now, better, financially, than she ever did with Billy. So, what exactly is she doing? Not modewing, surely? Besides that cack-handed attempt, the only other job she had was pulling pints and pushing out babies - one paid minimum wage and the other paid benefits. So, I want to know what Honey's done with two kids during the past seven years wherein she acquired a brain?

Hart-to-Hart with Sharon and Phil.

I have a niggle with this storyline. Sharon's getting better, but the writing is still not right for her.

I have no problem with Phil bonding with Jake Stone's experience as an alcoholic, but Sharon has a similar experience in her life as well. She'd be well familiar with alcoholics and their black-outs, having lived all her alcoholic mother all her life, even nursing her through her final illness; yet Sharon seems obtuse in trying to understand Jake. Yes, she was obtuse and needed convincing from the Mitchells when Sam was in prison, screaming her innocence from the rafters about her involvement in Den's death, but that was Sharon's father.

Still, this storyline gave us the best scenes of the night between Sharon, Phil and Ian, three of the programme's best and longest-serving characters in the programme.

Someone mentioned the possibility of Ian seeing Ben on the night Lucy was killed. Considering the cryptic phonecall he made after Sharon's and Phil's visit, I think this is most likely. IIRC, from the time scale that Ritchie offered when she told Phil that Ben had been released, it appears that he may have been released just before the time she got killed. We know he's contacted Jay, and it's feasible that he'd probably contact Ian and that Ian would most certainly keep this encounter from Phil if that's what Ben wanted.

Phil reminded Ian that if Jake Stone proved not to be a suspect (and since the evidence they hold against him is circumstantial, it can't hold water), then the police would be asking Ian a lot more questions. Ian's lied to the police (and this isnt' the first time, if you recall what happened with Steven in 2007), and that's quite serious. But more to the point, in real time, before the police even considered Jake Stone, their prime suspects would have been Ian and Peter. They'd have been all over the family like a bad rash, examining intra-familial relationships etc. So it was interesting to hear Ian say tonight that (a) he sometimes didn't like Lucy and (b) he wished he'd stood up to her more.

On the first point, that's understandable. Lucy, in both her incarnations, showed Ian scant respect and very little affection. I'll never forget the scene when he was away with Jane for a weekend and returned to find she'd had a party and she and her guests had trashed the house. Literally demolished the inside of it. Jay was part of the wrecking crew. Ian blessed her out and she smacked him across the face. He smacked her back and apologised. WTF?

On the second point, especially after the arrival of Christian, Ian was often undermined by Christian in his parenting techniques. Christian encouraged Lucy to backchat Ian and goaded Jane and Peter into being cheerleaders. Admittedly, Ian wasn't the best of parents in the way he spoiled his kids in exchange for a perfect life, but it was revealing to hear him speak of Lucy realistically and in correlation to the way their relationship was always portrayed on screen. Good continiuty.

The Paulinisation of Bianca.

Bianca's end is near, and with every episode closer to her departure, TPTB turn the screws on her character, making her turgid, stupid and even more unlikeable than before.

The lecky bill is haunting the Butchers. There are measures they could use now that Daddy Warbucks has disappeared. Didn't they have a key meter at one time? I seem to recall Derek giving Bianca a dodgy key and she got caught by the electric authority with it. They could resort to this again, legitimately. I'm no fan of Donna's but she had a good comeback line to Bianca tonight about buying her clothes at Poundsavers. This knock-off scam she's going to get involved with - tell me, this isn't the beginning of her leaving line and an even lengthier, indeterminate prison sentence? 

Foreshadowing: Sonia's heading for a fall. The last time she was on the Square, she got disciplined for showing up to work drunk. Now, she's being reprimanded for being late and falling asleep whilst at work. Pretty soon, she'll be on the Square and in the caff full-time, and the nursing career will be forgotten. Note her hesitance to help with the electric bill as she's got a mortgage and a child of her own to raise. I guess when David was forking out Janine's blood money for expensive food and private medical care, the sky was the limit.

Carter Overkill.

Here's the question:- did the Carters peak too soon? They hadn't been on the screen a week before Johnny had come out. Great and poignant episode, but then what? Well, we know what "then what" is ... Ben. The family core of Mick, Linda and their children, plus Stan, is fantastic, but the added additions of Shirley Queen of Scrotes and the latest village idiot make for terrible viewing.

Tina ... ugh! Just go. The "grown-up" references grated against my nerves tonight. You're forty years old; you're not some thirteen year-old stepping out in your first grown-up frock. If' you're not grown-up now, you'll never be. Tosh might be a bully, but it takes two to tango, and I'll bet Tina's hard-going to live with as well. In fact, Tosh can go too.

This is a forty year-old woman, dressing and trying to act pathetically like a child. No wonder Tosh is driven to distraction by her puerile antics. I have to ask myself, is Tina retarded?

More than that, when I think of the fanbois' belloweathering about Newman's penchant for love triangles, I wonder why nothing's been said about the love triangles of Lola-Peter-Lauren (boring), Shirley-Phil-Sharon (appalling) and Tosh-Tina-Sonia (just putrid)?

Johnny's in charge at The Albert, with the trust of his boss, and already, he's abusing that trust again, opening the place early and allowing his feckless aunt to drink up the profits free of charge. Dean was right - Tina is an adult. Why should anyone have to "keep an eye on her?" If The Albert is open early to "family members" only, surely that family is the Mitchell family, as they own the place, and not the Carters, one of whom is merely an employee there? By that score, Roxy had more right to have an early drink than Tina being silly.

And finally ... fee fi fo fum ... I smell the scent of someone who's married with children and cheating on his wife ... with Roxy.

Crawling from the Wreckage - Review:-02.06.2014

Seems as though there have been a lot of things crawling from the wreckage of late, including an annoying little voice crawling from the woodwork, which seemed to have been silenced for a bit, for whatever reason. I should have known it would only be a matter of time before that morally repugnant little cockroach would start their incessant, self-righteous, passive-aggressive whine against whatever I opine. Now that Tanya's gone, she appears to have taken on the mantle of defence of Jane and poor, pitiful Shirley. Odd, that, because I distinctly remember her actively disliking them both. It won't be long, I wager, before her alter ego appears - a different name, a proxy server, but always backing the fruitless argument and subtle bullying of her real persona - gingerly ensuring that she's always morally offended.

I'm watching. And I'm waiting for the personal information to begin.

The Morning After.

It's interesting to see the effect David's departure has had on his family - on his daughter, on Carol and on his brother. The aftermath of David's departure brought, probably, the best scene in last night's episode, as well as a new bonding between Carol and Ian.

If Lucy's death and Carol's cancer have produced anything positive, they've done so via the departure of one of the programme's most important legacy characters: David Beale Wicks.

All of this, combined together, has forged a new sort of familial bond between Ian and Carol that's beautiful and poignant to watch.

The best scene of the night belonged to Ian and Carol. I like the new closeness and friendship that's developed between the two of them, and I found it quite touching that Ian was hurt his brother didn't say good-bye and that he'd miss having him around. With David going and Bianca about to go, the Beales are decidedly thin on the ground, and Ian knows that with David gone, there's no one left in his family dynamic from his generation. As sad as he was, he understood Carol's reason for calling an end to her relationship with David, even though Ian understood also that, for David, Carol represented normality. She grounded him, but she couldn't hold him to that, and in the end, the effort proved too much. Beautifully underplayed scene.

... as opposed to the return of ...

'Owmahgonnafedmahkids?

Bianca is back in full whining mode. Pardon me, but doesn't she earn money from the stall? And Janine is supposed to be charging them next to nothing in rent. Doesn't Ricky, the husband who's been white-washed out, contribute to his children's financial support? It strikes me that she wasn't concerned about her mother's emotional health at all, which has a direct bearing on her physical health since she's still on a course of chemo - didn't we see a cold sore on Carol's lip tonight, which is a sure sign her bodily defences are down? Nope, Bianca wanted her father around because he paid the bills and took the pressure off her to provide for her children. Once again, she's become as child-like, as feckless and as puerile as Tina. And once again, the situation was all about Bianca. She was practically blaming Carol for the situation with David, but didn't have a word to say about David filching all the money he'd put into the car lot, leaving Max high-handed.

As for Sonia, she means well, but just ... go. SuperSonia is now taking over Carol's job in the cafe, as she seems to be to nursing what Ava was to teaching - always around, like a bad smell.

An Innocent Man.

Sharon's back. No, I really mean it. She's back. To her old self for one night only. You'd best watch this on IPlayer, because when her big storyline rears its head in a couple of week - you know, the one we've been teased and promised by DTC and his henchman Alex Lamb for weeks - you'll be pleased to know that the storyline is all about ... Shirley and Phil.

That's right. Shirley.

Be prepared for Shirley to be this tenure's Stacey. Shirley is going to feature, albeit tangentially, in every storyline featured this year, but, trust me, the spoilers don't lie. Sharon's attack will all be about garnering sympathy for poor pitiful Shirley in her amourous pursuit of Phil.

Until then, for one night only, what starts out as an idealistic quest by Sharon to get Jake Stone to confess to Lucy's killing, ends with both Sharon and Phil being suspicious about Ian's whereabouts on the night Lucy died.

The other good scene tonight came at the prison where Phil and Sharon (once again, back to her best, given someone who knows how to write for her) visited Jake. Although why Sharon thought she could convince Jake to own up and confess is another something from the realms of fantasy, but I can live with that for the scene it produced. And I thought Jamie Lomas was quite good. He doesn't fit EastEnders, but for this storyline, he comes off quite well. The fact that Jake and Phil connected over the fact that both are alcoholics is significant. What sold Phil was Jake saying that he couldn't remember what happened at his flat until he woke the next morning with a raging hangover; Phil's been there and done that as a drunk, himself. The other thing that sold it for Phil was the fact that the police now know that Lucy wasn't killed at the flat.

Don't be surprised by the next scene featuring Aleks. Aleks is a red herring. Aleks was with Roxy all night, either at Roxy's new house or at Phil's. He admitted that to Lauren and Roxy backed him up. This means someone else was at the flat, because at that time, only Aleks and Jake lived there. Or, it means that someone came back to the flat, who had traces of Lucy's blood on their person. Again, I don't think it's Alex.

Just keep thinking about that incongruent scene in the Vic the night Lucy died, about who left following whom and where they went, presumably, to shag. I'm still sticking with the people we've seen the least in this storyline. As DTC says, this is Broadchurch.

I was wondering when Sharon was going to voice her suspicions about what Cindy told Ian. Actually, I think Ian's absence that night was because he was meeting Ben.

Mrs Malaprop's Purpose.

A lot of people are on a huge downer about Billy Mitchell and want the character axed. I'm a supporter of Billy, simply because he's so much like a lot of people in real life, down-on-the-heel losers who never have any luck or common sense enough to gain some and who resort to desperate measures to stay on the up.

Billy genuinely wants to provide for those whom he loves. He genuinely wants to do well for himself and be accepted fully within his family dynamic; but there's always something holding him back. Newman progressed his character to the point were he was making a good wage and was booted and suited and in a job he loved. DTC has regressed him to the point at which DTC was most comfortable with Billy - the feckless and luckless loser who resorts to stealing post in search of money.

Yes, Billy's compromised the compassion of various people and relatives who've helped him at certain times. He's stolen from no less than Ian, Janine and Peggy; but at no time has Billy ever come out on top of a situation to his advantage, and he doesn't tonight.

Besides which, Perry Fenwick is one of the strongest actors on the programme, who never fails, when he's called upon to step it up a gear.

Yes, the Canada modelling agency storyline is farcical, but it's good to see Perry Fenwick getting something again. I'm one of the few people who actually likes Billy Mitchell, chiefly because when he has to, Perry Fenwick can pull off a cracker of a scene. And, after a long time - or so it seems - it's good to see Roxy again. Roxy and Billy really are the intellectual runts of the Mitchell family, with Billy totally misreading Honey's intentions and Roxy, ever the romantic, encouraging his hopes. Lola was the only one of that trio who was cynical about Honey's intentions, and she was right. 

Here's another observation: Honey cannot legally take those children out of the country without Billy's permission. DTC was astute enough to make this part of a major storyline in 2008, which culminated in Lauren trying to kill Max. Well, that seems to have been forgotten in the space of six years and a new head for Lauren, so why shouldn't the law, proper, be forgotten in the interests of a good storyline?

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly Carters.

Shirley fanagled money out of Phil "calling in a debt" of ten grand, which she handed over to Stan for Dean's business venture, yet what did she do to come up with his deposit and first month's rent, which came to about a grand? Dip into the till or the safe upstairs filled with money waiting to be banked? You can't buy your child's affection, Shirley. That's right, the son you left. When Dean finds out your secret and harkens back on your bonded behaviour with your "brother," he's going to take that money and fling it right back into your face. The Young Pretender to your secret Crown Prince. I guess we saw Community Shirley tonight, playing Lady Benevolent to the Court Jester's plight and seeking to win affection and influence with Dean in a way in which she could be able to reveal to her advantage at a later date. Come to Mamma, Dean, she's the one who found you a place to live. Isn't she a good mamma?

I actually loved Dean's greeting to her when he entered the pub.

Oh, hello, and with a shrug of the shoulders.

The Carters pay lip service in niceness to Stan, after he "loaned" them the money they needed, but Shirley apart, they trash-talk him something disgraceful behind his back. Shirley's just downright rude and mean. At least, Dean is honest enough to let Stan know that he needs the money Stan promised, which makes his hypocritical relatives take the moral high ground ... as if their cack doesn't smell in this situation.

Tina and Tosh ... just go. Go now. Tina is a slob - lazy, feckless, irresponsible and forty. Whatever charm she had, left her as soon as she turfed her daughter out to raise herself whilst Tina went her own way. She can't be arsed to keep a kitchen clean or to clear her mess? I'm still at a loss to figure out how she got this far in life.

That said, my favourite Carter is and always will be Linda. She was bloody excellent tonight. Lines of the night go to her and Perry Fenwick:-

Billy: And I was wondering if we could have a bit of table service - you know, bring over a couple of glasses of bubbly and some nipples.

Linda: Nipples?

Billy: Er ... nibbles.

Linda: Smoked salmon or caviar?

Kellie Bright does an excellent deadpan, and her zingers were spot-on as well. The hand model line was hilarious.

Linda Carter is obviously "the good;" the question is: Who is the bad and who is the ugly?

The End of a Non-Affair- Review:- 30.05.2014

Music, maestro, please:-

Pray, silence, please for the end of the affair between Walford's answer to Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr. David and Carol are no more, if they ever were.

2014 is certainly the year for legacy characters to depart. EastEnders are losing a gaggle - the immensely popular Janine, the immensely idiotic Bianca and the immensely unpopular Lucy Beale. And now David Beale Wicks - son of Pete Beale and Pat Evans, grandson of Lou, nephew of Arthur and Pauline, brother of Ian, cousin to Mark, Michell and Martin Fowler ... you can't get any more aristocratic than that. Well, Corrie is losing the daddy of all legacy characters when Peter Barlow bows out this summer.

I'm a bit worried if Bianca's character goes to settle in Manchester. Why? Picture ten years into the future and Bianca stumbles into Walford again. Where's Liam? Liam's wiv'is dad. OK, where's Morgan? Morgan's wiv'is dad.

Well, what about Tiff, Bianca? Oh, 'er. She's only gone an' go'erself up the duff wiv'er boyfriend. They're livin' wiv his stepmum, who's a right cow. Name of Leanne. 'Is name is Simon. Simon Barlow.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Yes, David Beale Wicks has left the building, following on a heart attack which revealed he had an embolism, and winging it away to Florida on what would have been his honeymoon. Despondent, ailing, how long do you reckon it will be before Michelle rings Ian to tell him his brother's dead?

I hope this isn't the case. Legacy characters are thin on the ground as it is, without having yet another meet  his end off-screen, and - I don't know about you, but I hate the thought of the Butchers being left with no one but Liam the Lug's representation or the Fowlers' last person standing being hairy RebeccaBoy.

David has gone - not just gone, but gone to Julia's Theme and all. I know that counts for little these days, but I gather Michael French only intended, originally, to stay for three months and extended his duration as a favour. David was never one to be domesticated, but I concur with the venerable Mrs B from Walford Web - I'd far rather have seen Carol leave than David. 

David has more scope. He has a brother and nephew on the Square, to both of whom he's lately loaned his emotional support. He is, at the end of the day, a Beale. After the departure of Bianca and her awful brood, Carol is left with her cancer and Honker ...

... Honker's amazing tits and the silent,  prissy RebeccaBoy. And David was looking for a release through death! 

All in all, this was a brilliant episode. It's only faults were Carol's remarks about David coming and going over the years and that totally schmalzy scene of the dancing in the front room. Carol and David were brought back together over 20 years ago after a teenaged association that was never the romance Bryan Kirkwood remade. They connected during the 90s for a weekend of shagging, which (on David's part) was comfort sex after he became the pariah of Walford - he made reference to that when counselling Max yesterday - and was angry revenge sex on Carol's part, because she did this to counter Alan's infidelity. Fast forward sixteen years to 2012, and David and Carol connected again, having not seen each other in all that time. Once again, this was comfort sex on David's part, because his mother had just died, and it was a Mills & Boon romance. But Carol wasn't the first person whom David left crying in the rain ...

Finally, they connected again in 2013, and this time David really did try to do commitment, but he really couldn't. All along, I've said that both Beale boys had mummy issues as opposed to everyone else in the Square having daddy issues. Both chased trophy women, but wanted to come home to a nesting wren who would treat them like recalcitrant schoolboys and who wouldn't buy any of the shite they dished. Enter Jane and Carol. This is why David keeps returning to Carol, and it's why Ian is whining after Jane even now, without a thought for Denise. They want a yummy mummy. And when Carol pointed out tonight that Pat was the only other person in the world who saw through David's behaviour, he immediately sussed that Carol meant that he was forever returning to that elusive mummy figure. I felt vindicated.

On Carol's part, the moment before she made that remark about wanting to grow up, I was thinking about just how childish Carol really was. Honestly, she hasn't progressed much, emotionally, past the age of fourteen, and it's no wonder where Bianca gets her puerile ways. David is just as immature, but with more charm. They both rush into things without thinking, and sometimes when they're in the thick of it, they occasionally blurt out the truth- as in when David said he'd rather be dead than married to Carol. What he really meant was that he'd rather be dead than commit, and that has always been David's mojo. Carol knew this, and if truth be known, she started to realise that David was distancing himself from her a few weeks ago, as soon as he realised that Carol just might beat the cancer, and the comfort sex and sympathy sex became a commitment in his eyes. Carol knew this much as well when she freed him to go to Miami with her blessing that he'd find a nubile young woman to keep him company.

David lied about leaving hospital because he didn't want to lose his comfort blanket. Carol lied because without David or a wedding on which to focus, the cancer becomes the central focal point in her life, and that means the diva returns. The over-dramatic sweeping out of the consultant's office, the ripping off of the wig - a wig that made her look all the more juvenile - the temper tantrums and her demanding that David leave.

Yesterday, she was accusing him of having a heart attack on purpose, and today she managed to expose David as someone who, whilst generally fond of her because she was the mother of one of his children, was essentially paying lip service. He's the worst kind of con artist - assuring Carol that "breasts or no breasts" he would support her, only to be offering her the chance of reconstructive surgery in Miami - at a cost of thousands of pounds he'd lifted from the business he shares with Max. IIRC, David was jailed for fraud some years ago before returning to Walford. That was an epiphany moment, when Carol realised that "breasts or no breasts", David was a tits man.

They both have to grow up and face the fact that they are now middle-aged people with health issues, confront those issues and move on. The great retconned romance that never was has ended. In between their scant get-togethers, they moved from partner to partner without compunction. For Carol to grow up, she has to rid herself of David and move on from her adolescence and her spoiled brat ways.

The downside of the episode was that cringeworthy last dance in the front room to Dorothy Moore's "Misty Blue". That, and the tears, were too much. Curiously, I wasn't moved, just annoyed at Carol and sad at David's departure. Line of the night goes to Liam:-

I hate that kind of music. 

So do I, Liam, so do I.

I knew David wouldn't go back to the hospital. 

Janine, Lucy, David and soon Bianca. Legacy characters are decidedly thin on the ground on EastEnders. Ne'mind. We got the Carters. The fact that David Beale Wicks stood head-and-shoulder above the rest of the male inhabitants of Albert Square this time around as the closest approximation to the tradtional EastEnders' flawed Alpha Male, is a walking testiment to how weak male characterisation has become on this programme at the moment. DTC and his band of merry men need to man up and rectify the balance. Loud women aren't strong, and we certainly need a man with balls, not Shirley Carter.

Thus endeth the great romance that never was. We'll miss you, David.