The Christmas Story - Review: 25.12.2013

This was good. I mean, it was seriously good, the first EastEnders' Christmas episode that I've enjoyed in a long time. Did I like everything about it? No, I didn't. The main part of the storyline angered me, but the piece was well-written, well-enacted and well-presented. The parts that angered me chiefly concerned characters who have been angering me lately, but as far as holding my interest, it was a brilliant episode.

First off, hats off to the brilliant Charlie Brooks and Michael French. They carried this episode in its entirety. Brooks played an absolute blinder and French matched her step for step. Did I like the ending Janine received? No. Absolutely not, and I disliked how what she did to Michael Moon apparently has been glossed over to suit the "evil Janine" narrative that's been the meme of the show for the last ten years and which has driven it for the past five, pandering to a demographic who is so narrow-minded and intellectually bereft that they are unable to conceive the idea of a person being a complicated character filled with good and bad parts.

But I take heart from the fact that this isn't the last we'll see of Janine, and that the twist in the tale, whatever it is, is yet to come.

Janine killed in self-defence. Janine married a psychopath who sought, from the birth of their daughter, to undermine and belittle her self-esteem whilst spending all of her inheritance. Janine didn't drive Michael to do anything. She simply had a possession he wanted - Scarlett, whose name he couldn't even utter until Janine returned - and he was willing to kill her, pin the blame on a lame-brained girl who was infatuated with him, and leave with the child.

For those of you who may have forgotten, Michael and Alice plotted to drug and kill Janine and take Scarlett. This plan was enacted after Michael had attempted to strangle Janinen, resulting in her taking an injunction against him. The night he died, he tried to strangle her again, which resulted in Alice stabbing him. He would have killed Janine, himself, but Janine grabbed the knife before he did and killed him ... in self-defence.

And Alice is not entirely innocent. She has confessed, not only to murder, but to plotting murder and abduction. On the home front, she's betrayed Janine, just as everyone else had.

If anything, this episode proved to me that something can make me angry, but I can still appreciate it. That's called critical thinking - something everyone should learn to do, including teachers.

Things That Made Me Angry about this Episode

The David and Janine Show, Featuring Granny Carol.

For anyone attempting to point out that Simon Ashdown can, indeed, write Branningless episodes, think again - Carol is a Branning, and Joey featured briefly - really, this was all about redeeming one Branning.

Janine is right - David is, indeed, a horrible man; she was also right in calling him out for the selfish, greedy asshole that he is. David let his caring image slip when he uttered - or rather muttered a telling line ...

I used to be somebody around her - silk suits, keys to a Merc. Now I'm competing for change with Max Branning.

Which is exactly why he wanted quarter of a million pounds off Janine - for himself. Carol's cancer was a convenient excuse to throw at Janine to make her look small. It failed. I hate the way the Butcher-Beale-Jacksons have treated Janine, treating her like shit until they need some sort of financial recompense.

Janine owes this family! exclaimed David to Carol.

Really? Janine bought the house in which they live and rented it to them for a peppercorn, ensuring that they had a roof over their head. Otherwise, the house would have had to have been sold to clear Pat's debts. As it was, Janine cleared Pat's debts, and David wasn't too proud to ask her to pay for Pat's funeral.

For David to self-righteously claim that he was doing this for his "family," then to reiterate to Janine her utter moral worthlessness (something that Michael did regularly) and even to finish it off by grabbing her by the neck literally sucked shit for the character. David's driving force is jealousy.

He's jealous of Ricky Butcher and of his own brother Ian Beale for the part they held in Pat's affections, the fact that they were better sons to his mother than he would ever be. And he's jealous that Janine turned her life around in the wake of Pat's death. The motivating force behind his blackmail wasn't out of concern for Alice or Carol or wanting to look after Bianca, it was because Janine turned down his request for finance when he originally wanted to buy the car lot.

The most tragic thing about all of this as far as Janine was concerned is that David, a link with Pat, becomes the ultimate person to betray Janine's trust and one of a long line of people whose behaviour reinforces the poor self-esteem Janine sees in herself. Even Pat, herself, committed perjury to send Janine to prison for a crime she didn't commit - Laura Beale's accidental death - because Pat thought Janine should be punished for another death which wasn't even a crime, that of Barry Evans.

I cannot believe TPTB would want to see Janine, arguably the most nuanced and interesting character in recent years, carted off, crying in the back of a police car charged with murder.

Wait a moment ... the confession - sorry, (David's words) the forced confession of her killing Michael was privately taped without her knowledge, in exactly the same way that Lauren taped the forced confession of Stacey Slater regarding Archie Mitchell's murder ... is inadmissable evidence in a court of law. Besides, Alice has already pleaded guilty to murder.

Am I missing something here? We'll have to wait until this has been tied up, but the absolute brilliant scene of the night was the two-header at Janine's house between her and David. Janine was totally right - David is just as greedy, just as selfish and just as devious and dishonest as she is, and he'll suffer.

Which leads me to the David and Carol retcon.

As you know, I'm no fan of Carol, even though I applaud the actress who plays her. I find her character narrow-minded, amoral, judgemental and hypocritical. Yes, she's awaiting results of a biopsy to determine if she's got breast cancer, but she doesn't know the result. Based on her family history, yes, she could have the disease; but equally, the lumps could be hormonal manifestations of the menopause from which she is suffering.

The truth is, Carol wants to be "loved up" by a man - when has she not wanted this? - and at the moment, since she's had to confess her fears to David and he seems understanding, and he's also a familiar face from her past, this is the comfort sex moment. Mas is an unknown quantity, but he's also loyal, mature and someone who would be more of an emotional and psychological support and buffer than David.

I actually find the familial dynamic of Carol, Bianca and David laughable, considering that both women actually look older than Michael French, himself.

Joke line of the night came from Carol to David:-

You're a good dad ...

I spewed my tea when I heard that. David Wicks, a good dad? He's the boy who lied to his dad about a French trip in order to get 200 quid to give to Carol to abort Bianca. He's the man who came onto his daughter before he knew she was his daughter and also admitted to having feelings for her. He's the man who walked out on his marriage to Lorraine, leaving two small children and who never even knew that Karen, his younger daughter, had been killed. He's also the man who ran out, again, on his mentally ill teenaged son, leaving the boy crying after him in the rain. And since then, he's had no contact with Joe, no mention of him. Instead, it's all about Bianca. And suddenly, he's a "good dad," because he's swanned onto the family scene like Daddy Warbucks, making the kids laugh and saying the right things to  his Village Idiot daughter.

But that's Carol's stupidity all over - a man she finds attractive kisses her, and she goes all gooey at the knees and they start to spread. Same old same old.

I'm glad she found the phone, because it showed her exactly what a dishonest scrote David is - the lies he was telling her were amazing, and showed her, yet again, that she's only on his mind now for comfort sex and his sympathy. What I didn't like was the fact that she gave Joey the phone.

Alice is not innocent. She broke an injunction, she plotted to murder a woman and take her child ... and she stabbed a man.

In the end, Janine is as she ever was - isolated and alone, but she's never more dangerous than when her back is to the wall. And she's never one to forget.

What does worry me now is what happens to Scarlett. I hated the fact that Queen Bitch Carol reached out for the child at the end. The child has no business with that family. She has a blood aunt in France, who's an educated professional nurse, with a grown son and in a stable relationship with her partner. She also has another blood aunt in Australia in a stable marriage and having raised children. Her paternal grandfather is also alive. She has nothing but a marital connection to Bianca, two of whose children are her cousins. She is nothing to Carol, and I would be sorely pissed off if the Jackson-Beale-Butchers got their chavvy mitts on Scarlett - or Janine's money - which isn't gone, by the way. If she didn't get the Vic, she still has the proceeds from her sale of 40 per cent of the R and R to Phil as well as other assets.

I hope she returns an avenging angel and I do hope she makes Wicks suffer.

The Bitchells and Meales.

I think it's time that Phil and Ian stopped this absurd feud. Why is it still going on? It started when Ian threw a hissy fit about Phil marrying Kathy Beale, Ian's mother, and inlaid into the mix is Phil's fear of Ian's claim on his son, who's Ian's half-brother, and his granddaughter, who's Ian's niece.

That dinner party was appalling. 

And I really wanted Denise to reach down that table and smack the fetid shit out of that blonde-haired psychopath who talked to her as though she were a turd.

Ronnie seriously needs to go back to Roswell, Arizona.

Phil was just being a pig, and he proved what a total, inveterate coward he is by demanding that Ian do his utmost to break Peter and Lola up, and then to let it be known that it was always, ever Ian who disapproved, never Grandad Phil, because Grandad Phil risks losing access to Lexi if he's exposed as the hypocrite he is.

So he doesn't want to see Lola with a Beale?

I'd love to know what the Beales have done to Phil Mitchell? This is absurd, puerile and stupid. Of course, everyone knows that the more the two are prised apart, the closer they'll cling. But then, is he seriously hoping his own psycho son will go straight (sexually) and heave up with Lola, or does he expect her to remain celibate all her life?

Seriously, the Mitchells are turning into a joke. They are in a sad and sorry state when the only two who have any sort of moral compass are Billy and Lola.

Christmas with a Village Idiot.

Bianca really is too stupid for words.

And Terry wants his cake and he wants to eat it too.

I love Nikki Spraggan. She's a woman who loves her children. I loved the line that cut that bitch Bianca short:-

You've got my husband and my kids here in this house. With you. What more do you want?

Bianca wants Nikki to let go, which means that she wants to bully Nikki out of her children's lives, the way she and Carol bullied Ricky out of Liam's and Tiffany's lives. But Nikki's made of sterner stuff - she's the best parts of Sam Mitchell and Mandy Salter rolled into one, and she's not going to roll over for Bianca.

She's telling the truth - Terry asked her for Christmas Day, otherwise, he wouldn't have asked Bianca the way he did. He heard his daugther's wish to Santa, and acted upon it - she wanted to be with her mum and her dad on Christmas. Bianca's muttered remark about Rosie getting only the One Direction teeshirt being achieveable was callous. Terry should see what kind of person she is based on these remarks, but I'm not sure what he wants.

He knows his kids miss their mother, yet he blames her for ruining what he had with Bianca. The solution is simple. Terry stays with Bianca and the kids go with their mother, visiting him regularly. To deprive them of contact with their mum is cruel and selfish on his part. Yesterday, Nikki remarked that Terry was still begging her not to leave him, today she said she "let him go" three years ago. Why? I want to know what transpired. In her original visit, Nikki implied that Terry was an impulsive man who fell in love with other women easily.

Bianca's behaviour tonight was totally in character with the childish, self-centred, puerile chavvy bitch she is. What was karmic was her eventually admitting, in little girl fashion, that she really didn't know Terry at all. She just got with him because he was nice to her. Like mother, like daughter. 

What an appalling woman she is.

And as much as I like the character of Terry Spraggan, he needs to be in small doses, because the man cannot act.

Things I Liked about This Episode

Moon River.

You just knew that Kat's gift was a cornucopia of successively small packages which would eventually result in a pregnancy test.

I'm happy for the Moons. I love them as a couple, and I hope they go from strength to strength in their new direction. Alfie is one of the few genuinely nice characters in a soap filled with people it's become all to easy to hate.

Another good and subtle power transition was the understated scene between Shane Richie and Danny Dyer. At the end of the day, it really is all about the Queen Vic.

What Surprised Me about This Episode.

A Legion of Whispery-Voiced Men.

In the beginning, we had Phil Mitchell's rasp. Then came Beppe DiMarco, followed by Steve Owen.

Then came the Manc brigade of Jase Dyer, Tony King and now Jake Stone.

A legion of whispery-voiced men, speaking softly and probably wishing they carried a big phallic stick.

Enter the newest member of that fraternity - Danny Dyer as Mick Carter.

Very subtle introduction to a new character played by an actor heretofore known for having a sewer for a mouth and for playing a gangster.

Understated, with a few interactions - and a passing of the torch from past EastEnders (the "transfer of power" with Phil ...

It's all there. You'll find I'm an honest man.

to a brief exchange with the daughter of another iconic landlord, Janine Butcher. 

And his original scene with the current landlord, Alfie Moon, who declared the pub, fondly, the best boozer in London.

As Matthew Robinson, the last REALLY GOOD executive producer said, the Queen Vic is the real star of the programme.

Something That Puzzled Me

I am always bemused by the way assorted characters manage to amass so much in actual cash in hand. Years ago, I bought a new car from a dealer and completed the transaction in cash. It took days to arrange for that much money to be handed over to me in notes, physically, and several forms of identification, and I banked with the bank in question.

Not only did Janine manage to accumulate £250,000 in cash on Christmas Eve, presumably through the sale of property and share assets - a fact that would be physically impossible in normal circumstances to achieve in one day, much less on Christmas Eve, when most of the institutions necessary to achieve such a feat would be closed for Christmas; but Phil managed to sell the Vic, for a cash price, with no contractual exchange, no solicitors and no legally controlled transaction. Phil didn't even count the money, which, at last count, should have been £1,250,000. That not only begs the question, how did Mick Carter accumulate all that cash, it also begs the question of how something like the sale and transfer of business licence for a concern like a pub could have taken place in the short period of one day, never mind that day was Christmas Day - a day when EVERYTHING is closed.

DTC ... still suspending reality.

Here we are now, entertain us.

A Christmas Carol - Review: 24.12.2013

Ding dong, merrily on high and all that. 'Twas the Night before Christmas and the battle for the number one soap at Christmas is beginning. Will Downton pare away EastEnders' dominance? Who knows? The soap has had a rough time this year, and it's packing everything in the package labelled "Danny Dyer" for tomorrow night's entertainment.

Yes, the show is turning the corner, but Monday night, its ratings slipped perilously low again. The Chelsea-Arsenal match took some live viewers, but even with the horrendous weather, the show failed to attract a decent following again. Probably because most people who would have watched were trying to make their way home amidst motorway and railway chaos.

There are many things about which I'm still not happy with the show and some of it is the direction in which Dominic Treadwell-Collins is taking the show, especially if it means we're in for a more sensationalist take on things. I do understand why he's bringing back assorted people from the past, and I would hope it was an effort to re-establish the show's brand.

But with Sonia? And re-introducing the Stacey-Ronnie emphasis? The sensationalism is going to lie in watching Ronnie become a certified psychopath, but this is a show which had girls of lesser intelligence wanting to be treated the way Michael Moon treated Alice. 

This is the Twenty-First Century, FFS, and women want to be belittled and humiliated by men, and EastEnders is promoting this?

This is what makes me wonder about the new Messiah.

The Avenging Angel.

It's hard to believe Janine is leaving us, but ask me whom I would back in a confrontation between her and David Wicks, and I'd back her all the way. She had that look on her face as she left the car lot, after her confrontation with David, uttering the line of the night:-

You don't want to mess with me, David.

David Wicks should heed her words, because Janine is always the most dangerous when she's got her back against the wall, fighting for her life.

David is seriously underestimating her, but one thing worries me about this characterisation of David Wicks. Yes, he's smarmy and dodgy and essentially dishonest. And jealous, essentially of the fact that his younger brother, Ian, was raised knowing their father, and David wasn't.

But David was never intentionally cruel. Feckless, yes, and a commitment-phobe. But never callously cruel, the way he's been to Janine. Truth is, if Pat were alive and aware of this scam on David's part, she'd beat his arse.

I love Janine, I love the way she shoved her vulnerability aside tonight to fight right back at David's deception, using her remorselessly in order to be able to buy that "scuzza" car lot.

He should realise that Janine would never acquiesce this easily. And what was interesting was when Janine unwittingly engaged Billy in her counter-plan, she, essentially, told him the truth about the situation in which she found herself - that David had taped a remark she'd made out of context and was using it to blackmail her. When Billy, a Mitchell no less, suggested going to the police, that's when her self-preservation instincts kicked in and she hatched a plan based on the lie that David was threatening Scarlett, knowing that this would resonate with Billy, getting him onside.

I want him gone.

You know, as watchable as Michael French is, I kinda want him gone too, for doing this to Janine. I don't buy the obsession with Granny Carol or the doting Dad routine with Bianca, both women looking considerably older than David Wicks, himself. I think what he's doing to Janine is despicable.

One thing was made abundantly clear about David tonight - he really is all about himself. Janine has, essentially, been isolated since David's Carol and her banshee Village Idiot daughter effectively exiled her brother from Walford.  They've been nothing less than ungrateful for the affordable roof over their heads she provided for them. The fact that David was indeed practically Janine's brother, meant nothing to him; and you have to wonder, as well, how much Pat actually meant to him. The home truths at the cemetary hit David hard, very hard; and a lot of what he's doing now is anger at Pat, misdirected at Janine. 

He's now, no longer, the man who slept with his brother's wife. He's the man who destroyed and blackmailed his step-sister.

Awful man. I hope Janine wins this one.

The UnHoly Martyr.

I know I'm in the minority, but I find it very difficult to feel any sort of sympathy for Carol at the moment. Yes, I know Lindsey Coulson is a brilliant (soap) actress. I know she regularly "knocks it out of the park" at every opportunity. I know everyone is supposed to love Carol because she's so brilliantly flawed, and she's matriarch material; but the truth is, I don't like Carol very much.

I think she's the most horrendous bully and emotional blackmailer of her children. In the wake of the Dan Sullivan affair, she effected a truce with Bianca, but was more than willing for her and her children to sleep on the street rather than help her out. She carries a grudge to the grave. She cut Sonia cold for putting her child up for adoption, and cut Robbie cold for failing to convince Sonia otherwise.

She's one of the most promiscuous characters on the Square and puts the likes of Roxy Mitchell to shame. Since her return in 2010, Carol's been through Lewis the recruiting officer, Connor (Billie's friend), David Wicks, Eddie Moon, Steve the Probation Officer and Masood.But then, why change the habit of a lifetime? She's been fucking around since she was fourteen years old.

And before anyone calls me callous, I'm a breast cancer survivor, myself, and - at least this time around when they tackle a cancer storyline, they're being more realistic about it than they were with Tanya's cancer cold. We saw the mammogram procedure and the biopsy. We heard the doctor tell Carol what they found, what it meant and what she would have to go through to obtain a diagnosis. We saw all of that, rather than the hospital outpatients' waiting room, and Tanya hyperventilating before she would toddle off on her Jimmy Choos to guzzle drink at the Vic or to scarf fish and chips.

Well, now she's told David. Not because she wanted to, mind, but because she had to do so, and thus, the great retconned love story continues; but only the more astute and few remaining long-term viewer will assess that this sort of calamity is the foundation upon which Carol's and David's relationship, as it were, is based.

Comfort sex.

David's shunned by Walford for having slept with his brother's wife, and Carol's feeling fragile after discovering that Alan had been unfaithful ... comfort sex.

Pat dies ... comfort sex.

Even Connor was comfort sex.

Carol has cancer. Suddenly, the thought of David being under the same roof is appealing. After all, the kids would love it, and she could bonk her troubles away, thinking David would be there to love and guide her through the mess. As if.

Based on what the doctor told her at the consultation - the fact that not one lump, but a series of lumps had been found in her breast - she's right. She most likely does have cancer. And she will have to have an aggressive treatment consisting of, probably, a radical mastectomy (at worst) or a major lumpectomy (at best) with removal of the lymph node under her arm, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Get used to seeing a sick Carol for a long time.

But who am I kidding? This is the lead-in to the return of Honker, herself, the appalling Sonia.

And let's see how soon Carol callously kicks Mas to the curb.

I'm sure Lindsey Coulson will do this storyline justice, and it's a public service storyline of which the public needs to be aware (again); but Lordy, does it always have to be a woman and does it always have to be breast cancer? How about a man with prostate cancer? Several candidates on the Square for that - Patrick, Phil Mitchell, even Alfie. Or lung cancer - Max is still a heavy smoker. How about leukaemia with a younger person?

Nope, this has got to be breast cancer, and it's got to concern the numpties' favourite, Granny Carol, and she'll be cured and then she can go on bonking and being rude to people, which is her usual temperament.

God is Dot's Shield (and Her Attention-Getting Device).

For all he says he's the man who doesn't do re-hashes, this storyline is a re-hash. For Abi the Dough-Faced Girl, read Sonia the Honker originally. This is a donkey of a tale.

At least Daisy Coulam had the chutzpah to include a line from Dot about having been through such a scam before.

Here's the gist. Dot gets prideful about her actions with the church, waves her church fund about, gets done over by a con man, loses her faith, goes around being rude to people, hides in the house and gets set straight by one of her step-granddaughters.

Been there, done that.

This time, it took two people to see her right - Poopy-La-Dim and Abi the Dough-Faced Girl.

I can buy Abi planning on going to Midnight Mass with Dot, as she's always been close to her. So we see Abi with Dot, whilst her amoral sister chews the face off the local Manc perv down an alleyway, as you do. Like mother, like daughter. But I thought Poopy was Jewish.

That was certainly established when she and Jodie Gold were doing TOWIE impressions on the show three years back. But now, Poopy's been retconned into a good Christian Anglican girl who went to Midnight Mass with her parents. Oh well, they forgot Lisa was Jewish as well.

So June Brown gets thrown a scrap just so the audience can ascertain that Dot is still relevant, she has a panic attack, confesses to the local airhead, and listens to her granddaughter spout pop psychology and it's enough to make her realise her importance to the community once again and get her ringing that bell of Christianity.

We won't see her again for months.

The Greatest Gift.

It's Kat's and Alfie's last night in the Vic and the go out in style, including a speech from Alfie, which was true to and from the heart. It hasn't always been the best of times for him there, but he did meet Kat, whom he's now acknowledged as the love of his life. Phil's done a dirty  here, and for no real reason (well, the reason was that the EP wanted his ego assauged and so he's stunt casted a one trick pony into playing a common version of Alfie Moon.)

Alfie and Kat left with their dignity intact and a surprise visit from Charlie Slater. The return of Big Mo and Charlie's re-appearance makes one realise the wide dearth of elderly characters on the programme. At the moment, there's only the appalling Cora the Bora and Patrick, who's an excellent patriarchal figure, when he's not drinking with Cora. Charlie and Patrick were mates, and Big Mo can certainly hand Cora her ample arse. Besides, Big Mo has a link with the sorely missed Pat - they were sisters-in-law. I know many are against Charlie Slater returning, but as a background character á la Roy Evans, he'd be fine.

Besides, Kat's present to Alfie is going to be a new baby.

Again, I'm in the minority, but I like Kat and Alfie and I like them together. The one thing Newman did get right was getting the Moons back together, even at the expense of the Mitchell spoiled child-woman.

The (New) Dirty Girl.

Furtive looks exchanged in the pub, snogging down the alleyway, chasing married men. I know Jake's got a beard and looks like he stinks, but he ain't Jesus, and Mary Magdalene had more class. She didn't put on funny voices and gurn around, which is what ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS 

did tonight. Sat across from Jake, who's being presented as the hen-pecked husband of the domineering Sadie - a stranger from nowhere who's suddenly demanding a Christmas Day Street Party (as if), we're listening to Sadie bemoan the fact that their oven's broken and therefore, Jake must cook their family dinner at the restaurant and bring it home. Max is having turkey troubles as well. Who wants to bet that the Stones and the Brannings end up breaking bread (and heads) together on Christmas Day?

You know, I think DTC would be wise to give up on Jacqueline Jossa. An unappealing character played by a grossly untalented actress, she's been paired in two love relationship storylines and neither have worked. The actress wants to go to proper drama school. Show her the axe and send her there.

The Real Thing

Peter and Lola. End of. Who kinda love each other.

The (Un)Holy Family.

It's not enough that Bianca is totally annoying in her ignorance and intransigence. It's not enough that the appalling Tiffany's insouciance is slappable, they have to enter into that mix, yet another child with an irritating voice and mannerisms you don't want shoved in your face.

Rosie Spraggan is a food-obsessed version of mini-Heather on helium.

She is not cute. And the way she mispronounces "chimney" is not endearing, nor was her self-introduction to Santa Clause and her Christmas wish...

I wish my mum and dad and everyone I love can be together for Christmas.

To be countered with Bianca's adamant whisper ...

It ain't gonna happen.

Bianca's arrogance and entitlement are astounding - that she would actually expect, force two children of whose existence she was never aware some weeks ago, to deny their mother and spend Christmas with her and her lot - now their family is utterly mean and cruel.

I don't know what she expects. She's well pissed when Nikki shows up at Santa's grotto, and even more pissed when the Spraggan sprogs are elated to see their mother. Why wouldn't they be? She is their mother. In fact, it would do me a world of good to hear Liam or Tiffany mention Ricky from time to time - maybe that they miss him at Christmas. Bianca certainly doesn't.

She doesn't give a rat's arse that the Spraggan kids' mum and Ricky, the father of two of her kids and the de facto father of the third, is spending the holidays on his own. But that's Bianca, with her I'm-All-Right-Jack-Fuck-You attitude. There'd be hell to pay if Ricky had the kids, shacked up with another woman and refused to allow Bianca to see them at Christmas.

At least Terry has a conscience, which probably means he's a weak man. He's always spent Christmas with Nikki, even after they split. It makes his kids happy, so he's willing to compromise and hopes Bianca is as well.

And, once again, we see how everything is about Bianca. She's notice Carol's strange demeanor lately and never once has it occurred to her that her mother might be ill or worried about something. No, Bianca is certain Carol's disliking the stranger and his children Bianca's picked up and brought into the home.

Bianca is an awful character. I have to say, Nikki Spraggan makes Bianca look like the chavviest of chavs.

The Forgotten Brannings.

Last year, their old man bowed out, this year, Alice and Joey are departing. It says it all that not one single member of the Branning family bothered to attend Alice's plea hearing. Granted, Carol had other things on her mind, but she could have at least answered his texts and cried off attending with some excuse. She's certainly made a big enough case of Alice being her niece beforehand.

And, arguably, the best performance David Witts has ever made as Joey was his last scene tonight, when his face spoke volumes at seeing Lauren down the alleyway with Jake the Peg.

Alice has pleaded guilty to murder. The "evidence" David has against Janine is inadmissable in a court of law. Alice could get life. That's how much the current regime wanted rid of MyAlice.

Let's hope all allusion to Derek Branning stops here.

Merry Christmas.

The Day Before the Day Before - Review:- 23.12.2013

Or ... this could be A Tale of Three Bitches.

Hmmm ... no, well, how about something a bit Dickensian as in, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Because that's what we saw in this watchable, but ofttimes mediocre episode tonight.

Here are ...

The Highs

Team Janine.

I've always shipped a Janine-Sharon friendship, even to the point that I wanted them to buy the Vic and be joint landladies. Their connection is obvious - both much-loved daughters of iconic Vic landlords, who both had feet of clay. They left their daughters with massive daddy issues and an inveterate love for a piece of brick and mortar, where they both, inexplicably, feel safe.

Sharon and Janine had known each other since Janine was a small child and Sharon a teenager. Sharon was once engaged to another of Janine's step-brothers, Simon Wicks, and she often babysat Janine when Janine was a child. Sharon also fronted the Vic when Janine found herself abandoned by Frank as a teenager.

Yet, for some unknown reason, the Bryan Kirkwood/Lorraine Newman writing room sought to have Sharon introduce herself to Janine as a complete stranger ...

You may not remember me ...

... was the way Sharon began her first and one of a few conversations with Janine.

Yet another of many massive retcons, disrupting the established past of the programme. Sharon and Janine would never be friends, but Sharon and Tanya, strangely, would. Go figure.

Tonight, it was difficult not to feel for Janine, especially as she was played by David, one step-brother, and squeezed to the financial limit by another step-brother, for people forget that Phil Mitchell is also Janine's step-brother.

If the bigger offer Phil received were real and were submitted by the mysterious Mick Carter, he must be money-laden from running a Watford pub, and how quickly can a pub be sold, especially during the Christmas period? The asking price for the Vic was a cheap £850k, but now Phil wants 1.250 million quid.

From the very beginning, we see Janine's trust issues rise to the fore, from her remarks to David, we realise how much she worries about what her actions will mean for Scarlett, and how much she recognises exactly how similar David was to her own warped and vulnerable personality, when she begged David to keep her information to himself.

Because I would use it. If it were me, I'd use it. I'd pick my moment and use it.

Which is exactly what David intended to do. And which was low, even for him. Of course, the tape would have no bearing in a court of law. It was obtained illegally and would be classed as inadmissable evidence. It was quite poignant to see how much getting the Vic really meant to her, the only place she considered home, a place that would bring both Frank and Pat closer to her in spirit.

This whole reveal will absolutely devastate Janine and destroy any element of trust she had tried to build within herself. Yet another family member has let her down, this time in the worst way. Janine will never recover from this psychologically; even now, the only member of the Jackson-Butcher dynamic to ever be civil to her was Whitney, and it will be interesting to see the twist in the tale promised when Charlie Brooks returns to tie up loose ends in the next few months.

The drip, drip, drip of tension rises as Janine realises that she's been played and what David's price is was wonderfully paced. This, and its integrated tie to the new ownership of the Vic will be the major attractions for EastEnders' Christmas Tale.

Will Janine get away with what was clearly something done in self-defence? Will she stitch Alice up? I hope so on both counts, and I hope she someday wreaks her revenge on David.

Because we all know that David is essentially a loser.

HoneyMoon.

Yes, I know they're out of fashion, and people are now gagging a maggot to get the Moons out of the Vic, but I loved their scenes tonight, and now that Newman's achieved her goal to reunite Kat and Alfie, I trust there'll be no more cheating from Kat.

I'm sure Kat knows she's pregnant, which is where all her cryptic remarks about not needing the Vic to be happy are coming from. Out of all this comes the wonderful Big Mo, back again and living on the Square. The scene she had with Alfie brought tears to my eyes, with the genuine fondness that exists between the two of them.

Of course, the Moons will live with Big Mo. I wouldn't expect anything else, and Stacey will join them in due time.For anyone whining about Alfie finding a job, consider how difficult it was for him to stay on there, whilst the place was sold from beneath him, and working to keep a profit.

As for the Vic's decor, Janine should realise that Phil and Sharon decorated the flat upstairs when the Moons were away on their sudden holiday in the autumn of 2012, when it was discovered that Kat was having an affair. So that decor was down to Sharon's and Phil's taste.

The Mehs

The Eternal Beale RomCom.

I love the pairing of Peter and Lola, but I hate the romcom TPTB have contrived from this situation, including the inevitable inclusion of Denise as a sub-plot to this EastEnd Romeo and Juliet tale.

Well, at last Lola's learned something from the Mitchells, not to make empty threats, and we see how much Phil now scares her - not at all. So why is everyone else afraid of him?

All this kerfuffle contrived to get the Square's current resident ingenue couple to publicise the fact that they are an item and bring their families together. The awful scenes where Peter and Ian would begin a bit of dialogue, only to have the rest of the dialogue choreographed to match and complete the Beales' beginning by Phil and Lola. All it took in the end was Lola threatening that Phil would no longer see Lexi, and Phil rolls over for his belly to be rubbed.

The constipated scenes of Ian trying to be nice to Phil and then Phil reluctantly inviting Ian didn't even come close to being funny. This Beale-Mitchell fiasco has gone on for far too long.

Throw into the mix, Ian making a pig's ear of asking Patrick for Denise's hand in marriage - still no sign or mention of Kim. 

Listen, between them, Ian and Denise have had seven ... SEVEN marriages. And it wasn't that long ago that Denise totally disdained Ian. Now, egged on by Patrick, we have her rummaging through the Beales' Christmas presents in desperate search for the engagement ring and finding nothing but an oven gloves, with ethnic decoration that Denise interprets as racist.

The twist in the tale - tee-hee-hee-ha-ha-NOT - was the fact that Ian really was intending on proposing, and had hid the ring in his jacket pocket. Ian the serial monogamist. How long before desperate Denise cheats with someone else.

The Lows

Bianca is a Bitch.

And Terry is a coward and a liar.

The Spraggan kids, TJ and Heather Jr the odious Rosie, miss their mother. And their mother is going to be on her own on Christmas Day - something that Bianca almost relishes, which is mean in and of itself.

How she can refer to the Spraggan kids as being products of a broken home, when it's obvious that her children, thanks to Carol's bullying and Bianca's stupidity, are products of a broken home many times over.

I thought it was really common how she made fun of Nikki's career as an airline hostess, while Nikki was next door having some quality time with her children. It was even more common for Terry to allow that - after all, Nikki is the mother of his children, and his lie about her being gone for weeks and months before seeing them was an obvious lie as well. His remark about her "buying their love" with presents was pretty callous also. Because that's the sad fact about non-custodial parents  - they are, sadly, the ones who buy the presents.

I adore Nikki. She's the Spraggan Sam Mitchell, out to put Bianca in her place and it's abundantly clear that there's loads that Bianca doesn't know about Terry - like how he begged his wife not to leave him. I'm amazed that she's surprised that Terry's kids would rather spend Christmas with their mother than in a houseful of strangers whom they neither know or like.

And has Ricky's name even been mentioned in all of this? Why has it not been mentioned that Liam or Tiff may want to spend time with him? For all Bianca belittles Nikki, Nikki  comes across the better person, when she puts Bianca firmly in her place when Bianca poo-poohs her offer of duty free from Nikki. At the end of the day, Nikki has a well-paid job, loves her kids and has never been feckless or been to prison.

I can't imagine Terry actually expecting his children to want to turn their back on their mother for a houseful of chavvy strangers. Now you see the fragility of this relationship and you wonder how long it will be before the cracks start cracking.

Morgan and Rosie, however, are seriously obese, and childhood obesity is a subject maybe TPTB should consider tackling - Morgan cadging sweets and Rosie putting together a Christmas menu on her wish list are serious causes for concern.

Buck Up, Carol.

Carol being moodier, hoarding letters about her mammogram, being the subtle diva by burning her Santa's wish list of "I Don't Want to Die," is too maudlin to inspire sympathy. Not in a hard-faced cow like Carol.

There you go ... you shouldn't have bullied your daughter's husband out of Walford, should you have, bitch? Karma bites hard.

Filler ep on the tails of a poor showing from Friday night. Christmas week needs to kick off.

EastEnders Is Back! - Review: - 20.12.2013

It can finally be said. EastEnders is back. It took a long road and a lot of pain, and there are still things I don't like about the show and don't trust about the current executive producer, but Friday's episode showed every reason to believe the show is turning a massive corner.

Of course, I might be wrong. Although I was glad that someone who was a proven storyteller was taking the helm, Treadwell-Collins, to me, wasn't the Messiah in whom a lot of people were investing their hopes.

Fatboy is still there, and he will be for the foreseeable future. Tamwar remains, whilst Ajay, a proven actor whose character was never developed, is leaving. DTC came from an epoque where the essence was to paper over the cracks of a show bleeding viewers. Get  bums on seats by sensationalist plots and incessant returns of old characters. The fact that Ronnie Mitchell is back, and Stacey Slater is returning, two of DTC's favourites point to every evidence that the show will be what it was under Diederick Santer's tenure - The Stacey and Ronnie Show - despite what Treadwell-Collins is saying. And I'm not enthusiastic about Shirley or her charmingly retarded sister taking centre stage in 2014.

And the show's strongest actress is leaving whilst Sonia is returning, arguably the most annoying actress on the show.

There are lots of things of which I'm wary, and I'm wariest of this executive producer's ego, but o the whole, he seems to appreciate the value of a good writer, and now they've taken on board, one Laura Poliakoff, daughter of Stephen, and what a superb episode her writing genes have produced.

Were there aspects I didn't like? You bet. But that has nothing to do with the writing, and more with certain characters written the way they were intended to be.

This most recent episode was like the EastEnders of old. Welcome back.

The Things I Liked

Peter and Lola Go Large.

I don't know if Newman cooked up the Peter and Lola romance or DTC, although I'm certain peope will give DTC the tip-off, but as an ingenue couple, they work.

Once again, this is a couple who happened by chance, and someone saw their chemistry worked. This is what happened with Sonia (when she was likeable) and Jamie, with Bradley and Stacey - one geeky half or a couple, the other a pretty or dynamic one. Here we have Peter, the nice boy, the fixer for his family and a Beale, being attracted to the single mum, whose child happens to be his first cousin, the girl a chav and a product of the care system, and - to top it all off - a Mitchell.

I wish Billy would stop touting the Mitchell aspect of Lola's heritage to her face. In a recent episode, she pointedly declared that she was no Mitchell, and there he was again in this episode telling what a "proper little Mitchell" she was when she declared what she'd do if Peter ever hurt her.

The scenes of a sexual nature in this instance are superfluous. We know, without a doubt, that Peter and Lola are having sex. In the sexual sense, Lola is seventeen going on forty-two, but Peter's brought out an innocence in her and a vulnerability, which has made her likeable. I can remember when Lola was the most frustrating character to watch - her temper, her total lack of morality, her entitlement issues - where now, she's one of the most enjoyable. And one of the show's most gifted young actresses.

But we don't need to be shown Peter and Lola having sex in the backroom of the launderette to realise that they are, indeed, an item and that they are in love. Whatever happened to leaving something to the imagination? This was a stunt scene, meant to shock, and it's one of the quibbles I have with this EP. By not leaving anything to the imagination, he's both disrespecting the long-term viewer and pandering to the shallow end of viewership, the viewers weaned on EastEnders 2.0, the Stacey and Ronnie Show, the Santer era.

And, yes, we also know that Peter and Lola is a reprise of Romeo and Juliet, with the Beales and the Mitchells deputising for the Montagues and Capulets. (Although I have a problem envisaging Fatboy in the Mercutio role; I suppose the obvious Mitchell candidate to be Tybalt would be psychopathic Ronnie, who'll kill him.)

The irony of the situation is the fact that Billy the unwanted Mitchell taking it upon himself to rectify the obvious situation between Ian Beale and Phil Mitchell, and failing mightily. Still, the scene in the Vic between Phil and Ian was brilliant, if only for the evocative past the dialogue established between the two men. Ian is the mouse who roared against Phil the bully.

Good continuity. At least we have one writer on board who respects the past.

Alfie and Kat.

I know it's popular to hate the Moons, rather, it's popular to hate Alfie and wish Kat were a Slater and on her own again, irrespective of the fact that she's now a fortysomething woman with a child (and soon to be two); but I like the Moons as a couple. 

Obviously, in the scheme of things, the Moons will not be front and centre at the Vic anymore. During their first stint there, we never really got the feel of Alfie and Kat fronting the Vic due to Jessie Wallace's suspensions and her maternity leave. Their second stint was ruined by Bryan Kirkwood's interpretation of how Alfie and Kat should be, instead of what they were.

Scores of people, especially the numpties on Digital Spy, want Alfie to leave and predict Shane Richie will depart this year. Listen. Alfie and Kat are an endgame couple. If one goes, the other follows. And if DTC had had no plans for the Moons, then he wouldn't have minced words and told Richie that Alfie Moon bored him. Instead, he's allowing both Richie and Wallace time off to do other projects, and he's keeping them on hand for the upcoming Thirtieth Anniversary. Face it, EastEnders is short on long-term characters, and the Moons are quite possibly the most recent sorts who can be deemed iconic in any way.

It was hard not to feel sympathy for Alfie and Kat tonight, especially remembering the flimsiest of excuses Phil Mitchell had for pulling the plug on their tenure - quoting a line from the tenancy agreement for the ability to sack the licence-holder on the spot for "gross misconduct" was laughable. Whatever it is, dumping the owner's desperate cousin at the altar, when she, herself, knew she'd be playing second fiddle in that relationship might have been bad form, but it wasn't gross misconduct.

The Vic means the world to Alfie, but serving the community means even more, and it was good to see him and Kat step in and resolve the problem caused by Dot's disappearance (see below) by reining in Jake from Ian's domain (and what a good way to integrate the otherwise appalling Jamie Lomas into the community, which means we've more to suffer from him in the future) and putting on the Ritz for the OAP's at the community centre. Actually, Alfie would do well in some capacity for managing the Walford Community Centre in the future.

Another good aspect in this respect was the long-awaited return of Big Mo. Under Newman, Big Mo didn't just fade away, she disappeared. We saw her last Boxing Day and then no more, and we were asked to believe that she was tucked away, unseen, someplace in the nether regions of the Vic. Instead, she arrived tonight, suitcase in hand, and it seems she's been living elsewhere - with Fat Elvis? With Charlie? Who knows? Still, it's good to see Mo back and interacting with the few remaining elderly crew - Cora the Bora and Patrick (again, see below).

I, for one, will miss the Moons in the Vic, and I hope they have a good future.

Observation: Kat was happy because it's "Christmas." I'd be willing to bet she's just found out she's pregnant.

The Stars of Our Show ... The Queen of the Night and Don Giovanni.

Once again, Charlie Brooks and Michael French carry the show to the hilt. After this episode, when Janine finds out David's deception, there will be return for her character. Every trust issue she's ever encountered will be scattered to the wind once she's found out that David will use her confession to blackmail her for money.

Does anyone smell re-hash about this? Of course. Think Lauren taping Stacey's confession to Archie's murder. The fact that David has taped this inadvertant confession would not hold up in a court of law. It's inadmissable evidence. Besides, everything Janine told him was gospel truth, word for word, about what happened that night - that Michael was strangling him, that Alice stabbed him and went to the door for the police. Michael jumped up again and would have killed Janine at that moment, had she not acted first. Yes, she wanted him dead, and it wasn't pre-meditated, it was self-defence.

Laura Poliakoff managed to bring out two very important aspects of Janine's and David's characters and linked them with the very essence which binds these two together - Pat.

Pat was the real matriarch of the Square, the lychpin who was related by blood, marriage or friendship to everyone in Walford. Two years on from her death, and her name has barely been mentioned. Sharon shrugged her shoulders with indifference when she learned of Pat's death. Derek Branning, arguably the show's most unpopular character is still being referenced. His children hang about the place like a bad smell.

Tonight, however, was all about Pat's influence on David and Janine. Janine is still convinced that she is an awful person, and this goes back to her abandonment issues she had with Frank passing her from pillar to post. A child comes to view themselves as unwanted in those circumstances, when everything Janine had ever wanted was to be an accepted part of a family dynamic and to be loved. Everyone who should have been there for her has either deserted her or let her down immensely in her life. Her only solace now is in her wealth, but Michael had so played with her mind during his association with her, she now believes that she isn't a worthy mother and that she ruins everything she touches.

David, on the other hand, had the manipulative cemetary scene backfire on him, revealing his own character flaw in the biggest of ways. The writer of this episode isn't afraid to tackle the past on the show and to show continuity, and I commend her for that. David referenced that he will always be known as "the man who sleeps with his brother's wife" in  Walford terms, but he wasn't the first to deserve that epithet. Phil Mitchell, anyone?

When he was attempting (and whether or not that was feigned, I'm not sure) to leave Janine and she asked him why he was going, his reply was totally and utterly from David Wicks 1996 edition ...

It's what I do. Run away.

Think back ... This is what David said to Cindy, when he dumped her at St Pancras station. It's what he said to his ex-wife Lorraine, when he told her he was leaving Joe.

And if you think Carol was the only person David left crying in the Square in the rain, think again ...

All it takes is one damned good writer with an attention to detail. It's an unusual statement that two first-time writers on the show this year, Natalie Mitchell and now Laura Poliakoff, have understood the ethos of this show far more than people whose names we've seen more frequently on the credits, and that includes Simon "Mr Branning" Ashdown.

Do you know something? In all of this, if Pat were alive, knowing the way Michael Moon treated her, knowing what he was planning to do, I think Pat would have backed Janine to the hilt. The imprisonment of Derek's smug and simpleminded daughter would have been just karma to Pat for the ills Derek inflicted on her and her kin.

Speaking of simple minds ...

Things I Didn't Like about This Episode

The Incipient Carter Dynasty.

This, I don't like, and how many still remember that Shirley is a lush? That she has a drinking problem and that it's obvious that Tina has one also. These are women who live for "vodka money" and they aren't above stealing off their kin. After all, at Shirley's instigation, Phil Mitchell stole money from his own cousin.

The episode was big with almost constant allusions to the big star about to join the ranks of what is supposed to be an ensemble piece. With the big star comes the big ego, a stunt casting to match the ego of the current EP. I hope it works, but I deplore the fact that Shirley will, for all intents and purposes, become the face of EastEnders.

She simply doesn't deserve it.

The foreshadowing was embarrassing.

'E's my little bruvver and I miss  him.

How old is Mick Carter supposed to be? If Tina is fortyish and he's in his late thirties, how does that account for  him and his wife having a son who's in the forces and older than twenty-one?

The image of "Mick" calling Shirley's mobile ... If they've not been in touch for fifteen years, then how does he have her mobile number?

Tina the Retard lays a guilt trip on Shirley. She wants "Mickey" to be a part of their family dynamic again. So there they are - two feckless sisters, both of whom have effectively abandoned children, want to reunite with a brother to recreate a childhood dynamic. Has Shirley never grown up?

One of the funniest things in the scene was when Tina approached Cora the Bora, asking if she'd seen Shirley, only to have Cora point out a drunken old lush waiting for the OAP proceedings to begin. Shirley is  a drunk, but we've now achieved an off-screen reconciliation and a gift to Shirley from the big star of eternal vodka money.

Let's say that 2014 is going to be a very interesting year.

For whom? Mick may very well be a likeable character. Who knows? His wife certainly has proven to be on initial impressions, but Shirley is a marmite character, with no redeeming features, and her sugly blister's retarded act is wearing thin fast.

Rehash.

Once again, the clandestine goings-on between Lauren and Jake. This is really Tanya-Max-Rachel meets Stax territory. I can just imagine Tanya, running head over heels after a married Max, arragnging clandestine meetings, wanting to spend all day with him in a posh hotel with a jacuzzi. I can remember Stax as well, the secret canoodling meetings in the light of day - this episode featured them snogging right around the corner from Ian Beale's restaurant.

And Ian didn't find this suspicious? Really? This was in broad daylight in the Square with people Lauren certainly knows milling about.

The couple have no chemistry, and she still looks like an underaged kid. Her ideal of appealing is to gurn, because she is ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.

His idea of appeal is to breath heavy, whisper his lines and look as though he needs a bath. It's a wonder Ian Beale's kitchen isn't under inspection by the health authority.

Cora the Bora.

Yet another drunken old lush, freeloading off an ex- son-in-law she hates, contributing nothing to the household,and inviting waifs and strays to stay at Max's cost. She's a despicable old hag, and I hate how she brings Patrick down to her level. Drunken pensioners are neither funny nor cute.

Dot is Not.

Please, spare us the martyr syndrome. Dot's another prideful beast whose pride always catches her out. People call the character iconic, yet forget in her early days - the first stint before she left the show in a huff due to the way Peter Dean was sacked - she was a comical character, unlikeable and judgemental. Someone says (and they are right) that she lacks a Pauline or a Pat to rein her pantomime hypocrisy in, and hopefully, Big Mo might be the character to do that.

I'm no fan of Poppy's but I hate the way Dot is rude to others when she has been caught out short-handed. She bragged to all and sundry about her fund-raising abilities and waved that money around to such a degree that lowlifes got wind of it. She was hoist on her own petard, and now she's taking it out on Poppy and playing the sympathy card.

I have none.

Excellent episode and an excellent lead-in to Christmas week.