Bullies, Retards, Pieces of Shit and Mutton Dressed as Lamb - Review: 05.07.2013

So EastEnders was late tonight. Very late, thanks to that English-hating miserably ugly piece of rude flesh called Andy Murray and his putrid mother. For two pathetic weeks of the year, the English go tennis-crazy and forget that Murray the Mouth and his pushy, stringy-breasted mother from hell are Scots' Nationalists who hate the Sassenachs. The English bimbo is just arm candy, and if Mouth Murray lost his talent and fortune tomorrow, she'd step on him with her stilettos and spit in Ma Murray's eye.

Deeply unpleasant people, just like the ones we saw tonight on EastEnders, because make no mistake, this week's offerings have been as bad as last week's were good.

The verdict has almost been unanimous, except for Digital Spy's resident village idiot. 

Guess who? I'll give you a clue.

Tonight's show was good. LOL

Shirley and Bianca were great, LOL. It was funny how they were talking to Jean. LOL.

I'm a girl and I think Lucy is hot. LOL Where's Jac Jossa? I want her in my bed. LOL.

If you don't like the show, turn it off. LOL. It's not real. LOL.

What does klepto- thingy mean? LOL.

I am way past 12 years old, even though I act like a 12 year-old and spell like a 6 year-old. Who am I? LOL. Brain cell? Do brains have cells? LOL.

Sadly, the Digital Spy Village Idiot is the target audience of Lorraine Newman and tonight's pisspoor writer, Fiona Peek, a Yorkshire lass with a Cambridge degree, who invested and injected as much disdain for this programme in tonight's storyline as you would expect an Oxbridge-educated Northerner to have done.

LOL ... Not.

The Bullies.

Two dominant, one recessive tonight.

Isn't it strange how Jean, who not only suffers from a medical condition (bi-polar syndrome), but who is also thick as pig shit and vulnerable in her abject simplicity - meaning, she's not very bright - is constantly being bullied by people who are either her family or who purport to be her friends.

First of all, in the cold, light of day, Shirley and Bianca know exactly what they've done, especially Bianca, the putridly vile Retard of Albert Square. She's already out on licence, for the second time. If it's discovered that she illegally entered Ian Beale's restaurant, stole wine, and was party to setting the place on fire before leaving the sprinkling system to flood the place (laughing all the while), she would be back inside so quickly, her feet wouldn't touch the ground.

She knows this, and she's scared, shitless. Shirley knows, too, that she could be arrested for much the same, which is why they're desperate to find Jean, who's gone off radar.

Bianca and Shirley, at the moment, are despicable. Bianca is terminally skint. Boo-hoo. Cry me a fucking river that every spare wad of money she gets, she has to buy "stocking presents" for her urchins. (Cue sad music):-

And Shirley is still mourning fat Heather, the friend whose memory she betrayed by protecting the man who protected the kid who killed Heather for several months. I'm talking about Phil, not Ian.

Both these women are in their thirties and fifties. One is a grandmother. Boo-hoo again, the father of poor Bianca's children is (in her words) "a million miles away" - ne'mind, she kicked  him out, herself, and made her bed hard. Instead of staying at home with her children, instead of visiting her daughter and grandchild, both these two asshats prop the bar up in the Vic, nightly.

Somehow, between them, they're trying to prevent Jean, who genuinely has a conscience and is ashamed of what she's done, from confessing to the crime and ensuring their skanky arses are fried. In their mindset, as Bianca remarked, Ian Beale deserved this.

Hang on ... deserved to have his business vandalised, robbed and destroyed? This is his livelihood. This is something he strove to put together. The gist of all this is pure jealousy. Ian actually grafted to get this up and running. Forget finding Derek's/Carl's money. (And make no mistake, had he given that box, intact, to Carol, neither Joey nor Alice would have seen one red copper penny of that. Carol and Bianca would have kept and spent the lot).

This is jealousy that Ian, who lost virtually everything, including his sanity and self-respect last year, has clawed his way back, when both Shirley and Bianca live on their faux moral entitlements, thinking the world owes them sympathy and a living. Bianca is poor, and everyone is mean to her - ne'mind she's blatantly rude to all and sundry, ne'mind that she's wantonly bullied Tamwar and bullied and blackmailed Mr Lister. Ne'mind she lied to the police about Liam's involvement in mugging Tamwar. In fact, Liam's truancy was more about Bianca's fear of going to jail than about concern for her son.

Shirley, the woman who forced her so-called best friend - the one she'd drop at a moment's notice if she fancied a man, instead - to choose between their friendship and Heather's fiance; the woman who lied to the police about Phil Mitchell's involvement in covering up the fact that Ben killed Heather. Now she's angry and bitter towards Phil. And now she's blaming Ian for Heather's death, because Ben confessed to him, months after he'd killed Heather, tipping Ian's already fragile mind over the edge.

Their treatment of Jean tonight was reminiscent of another time when Jean was bullied and coerced by the people closest to her - when Jean was caught for housing benefit fraud, when it was really Big Mo who was collecting benefits in her name. Between the three, Big Mo, Alfie and Kat coerced her into taking the rap for something she didn't do, with Alfie playing good cop and feigning a text message from Saint Slater, just because all three of the others had criminal records.

Tonight, the two dumbasses tried everything - even patronising Jean by telling her she was hungover, that the whole ordeal consisted only of a wet floor and a couple of broken glasses, and Alfie would make it all better with a couple of paracetamols, until eventually, they got ugly, very ugly in the pub, making it abundantly clear that Jean's conscience should be directed only in the purpose of preventing Bianca from going back to jail and Shirley from getting arrested.

Bullshit. If Bianca doesn't want to go to jail, she should learn to act responsibly and to act her age and not her fucking shoe size. She deserves to have her kids taken into care. And Shirley deserves to die in the gutter, the abysmal way both women are written.

Shirley originally was a strong woman, with a hint of promise of turning into this generation's version of Pat. Since being paired with Phil Mitchell and since being dumped by him, she's turned into the epithet she flings so freely at others - a doormat. She only exists now to whinge and make acerbic one-liners, for no reason, at an uncaring Phil Mitchell.

Bianca was a successful and ambitious young businesswoman at one time, and a responsible mother. Since her return in 2008, she's shown poor judgement as far as allowing a paedophile into her home, trying to pimp her fifteen year-old stepdaughter out to a twenty-one year-old lad, and she's bought luxury goods on the never-never and let her kids starve.

These mis-characterisations have all occurred since 2010, the magic year of Kirkwood's tenure. And they're continuing. The most common adjective used to describe Bianca is "vile." Both women are extremely unlikeable and show no signs of character progression.

Tonight, they were worse than despicable. I'm actually not surprised by either. Jean, for Shirley, has become Skinny Heather, and this is the way Shirley would often bully and belittle Heather into line. Bianca is just stupid and unlikeable.

If the writers want to salvage these women, they need to do something fast. For example, we've never actually seen Shirley as a mother, never delved in depth into the reasons why she abandoned her children. Casting Kellie Shirley and Matt di Angelo again would add two more characters to a particular age demographic that's sadly lacking in numbers, and di Angelo's Dean could just about tip the character scales for hard young lad with a vulnerable centre, having spent time in prison.

As for Bianca, Patsly Palmer has openly stated she wants Sid Owen to return as Ricky Butcher. TPTB reckon Ricky never worked without Bianca, and Bianca certainly doesn't work without Ricky.

The recessive bully on show tonight was Kat, strutting about, offering unsolicited advice whilst her fat wobbly tits dominate the screen, like great shanks of white lard.

The one difference between dippy Jean and Heather is that Heather, on occasion, would stand up to and defy Shirley's bullying.

One thing they don't bank on or realise is Janine's involvement in the restaurant. Once again, I'm disappointed that Denise misinterpreted Ian's concern for Jean when she showed up at the wrong moment and burst into tears, when he was sharp with her. Of course, he'd be sharp with her. He had just discovered his business in tatters, and she was near collapse as well. Apoligise to Jean, yes, as per Denise's advice; but her other advice was wonky - call Whitney back.

Why, exactly? Whitney was totally out of order with Ian. She called him a "perv" and implied he'd been sexually improper with Jean. If Jean had taken her grievance to the police, Whitney's "evidence" could have seen Ian imprisoned. Denise's judgement and particularly her confidence in and judgement of Ian is appalling. Does she think that, because she slept with him last night, she'll be able to control a man whom she sees as socially gauche to the point of being almost embarrassing as a partner?

If that's true, then Ian certainly deserves better.

And, yes, Bianca, Ian might not want to call the police, because he's firmly convinced that Carl White did this, but Janine isn't too fine to report this.

The Retard Parade.

Yes, folks, they were all out in force tonight, the Parade of the Village Idiots.

Billy Mitchell

Village Idiot Association: Mitchell Village Idiot.

Has had two wives who were certifiably Village Idiots in and of themselves. Has a granddaughter, who's in line to achieve the same accolade. His saving grace has been his friendship with Janine, even though he's tried this friendship by committing credit card fraud behind her back, and blatantly stealing from her. One of the high points of this week came when Billy planted a heartfelt, affectionate and fraternal kiss on Janine's cheek, and she was touched by it.

Jean Slater

Village Idiot Association: Moon and Slater Families Village Idiot.

Jean is bi-polar, which doesn't mean she's stupid. Some of the most intelligent people in the world suffer from bi-polar disorder. But Jean is simple-minded and sees the wrong thing in black and white. Blindly impervious to any faults exhibited by her imperfect children and slavishly devoted to Alfie and Kat. In fact, there was a time Kat devoted more attention to Jean than to Tommy, especially at bathtime. I fear she's being singled out to be this generation's New Age Dot, with her dependence on kitsch horoscopes and women's mag pop psychology. Prone to screeching and flailing her arms about. Like Dot, another bad cartoon character.

Bianca Beale Jackson Butcher

Village Idiot Association: Village Idiot, collectively, of the Beale, Branning and Butcher families.

Niece of Ian and Max, daughter of Carol, wife of Ricky, granddaughter of Pete Beale and Pat Evans. Destroyed a business in whom the place of honour was met by a portrait of her grandfather on his market stall. She didn't even realise. Functional retard. Suffers from terminal headuparsitis complicated by a big mouth and an awful voice. No common sense. Emotionally and psychologically twelve years old. Always the victim. Thoroughly vile bully.

(Not Present but Accounted For ...)

Kim Fox

Village Idiot Association: Fox-Truman Village Idiot.

Functional alcoholic, lazy, conceited, suffers from terminal headuparsitis. Manhunter. Epic fail at comedy.

Ajay Ahmed

Village Idiot Association:- Masood Family Village Idiot.

Lazy, lying, dozy, with a headphone permanently attached to his left ear. Tactless, drunken, horny, good-for-nothing and charmless. Hasn't done a damned thing in the one year he's been in Walford.

Pieces of Shit and Mutton Dressed as Lamb.

I don't give a damn either, about Ava, Sam or Dex-TAAAAAA. More precisely, I don't give a rat's arse.

Look, let's stop this pretence right now that Ava is a teacher. Even the lame attempt at around noon of carrying a laptop case around the Square doesn't wash it. She was supposed to be getting ready for work after crawling home from a night of fucking Sam at two in the morning, and she was having a cozy cup of tea with Cora the Bora instead.

I also hate this sudden motherhood that Cora the Bora's foisted upon the character.

What is it about a psychological need daughters have to lie to their mothers?

Shut the fuck up, you drunken old trout, you are not her mother. You shat her out, that's all - because that's what the character of Ava and Sam the Sham and Cock amount to - three turds. Pieces of shit.

Not only that but Clare Perkins is ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. IN. EASTENDERS.

First of all, the fact that this character is even a teacher is a joke. She's not even the Magic Negro anymore. She's just some weak, lying piece of shit, who's raised a co-dependent rude, entitled little shit of a son, who can't even talk properly. She's afraid to tell SonnyBoy, that she's fucking around with his father, with whom they shared a squat twenty years ago when both were well-paid professionals, because of Dex-TAAAAA's so-called anger issues, which probably are as frightening as the fabled anger issues of Tyler Moon (yawn).

This is a teacher with no common sense - well, who would live on a sink estate when you make upwards of 60 grand a year? - and a terrible parent who tells barefaced lies to her son. When her putrid, drunken birth mother demands she "give Sam up, " we get a pathetic whiiiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeee like this ...

Ah cahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn't.

What a load of ... well, a load of steaming shit. And all this darting and dashing about for a quick  fuck is the staple of their relationship.

As for Sam the Sham ... can we stop with the stereotypical Negro talk, please? This is not Gone with the Wind and I know no Afro-Caribbean person, apart from retards like Dex-TAAAAAA, who say "dis" and "dat." Funny, but for the first few weeks, Sam was a reasonably well-spoken character, hammed out by Cornell S John who seems to be intent on reminding us that he's striving to be an English James Earl Jones (and failing by over-acting). Now, all of a sudden, he's sounding like Big Sam, the foreman from Gone with the Wind.

Now if he starts referring to Ian and Janine as "Mist'Ian" and "Miss Janine," I'll know something's rotten.

And Dexter ... it seems to me Dexter is hankering after a white family. Doesn't he already have middle-class white grandparents? But then, I guess Cora the Bora is just too cool for school and compliments his bling. And where did all this "Au'ghie Tanya" come from? Tanya never gave him the time of day, and after the novelty of having a black sister wore off, Tanya never went out of her way with The Magic Negro the Piece of Shit either.

Oh, please ... get rid of these dire, shallow, uninteresting and poorly portrayed characters in whom no one is invested. Dex-TAAAAA's "anger issues" will only mean his awful voice will go one octave higher and he'll sound even more like he's on helium. Khali Best is 26 in real life - have his balls dropped yet? Because it doesn't sound like it.

And Ava's confession of a relationship with Sam, emphasized by Sam's extended hand was simply butt-clinchingly awful and embarrassing.

Intertwined in all of this, is the hoary old drunken trout, who's trying to replace her drunken weak-willed daughter with her lazy, dumbassed retconned daughter and grandson. And when Cock prefers to have lunch with the Piece of Shit, Cora the Bora does what she does best, uncork the wine mid-day.

She's just an old lag drunk, and one who can't get through a day without a drink. Why Patrick, a real gentleman, would want to waste his time with a common piece of trash like that is anyone's guess - but I know that when she decided, at Abi's prompting, to accompany Patrick to the ballroom dancing class, she looked like a man-in-drag dressed up for Hallowe'en.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEk!

Wait ... it gets worse. Here's the REAL thing:-

Run, Patrick, run!

Betty Spragg looked nicer.

Godalmighty, can't these AWFUL people leave Walford. Unlikeable, uninteresting and overblown.

The Prince of Darkness and The Queen of the Night Play Mind Games.

Michael thinks he's snookered Janine into returning to Walford. Janine knows Michael wanted her to return and knew he was watching for her the night she did come back.

Billy - Billy - actually tricked Michael into admitting that he wanted Janine back because she was the mother of his child. Janine's back, but Scarlett's with the nanny.

Now, here's something funny: Billy, relegated to his office in the broom closet, tells Michael that Janine is actually quite a compassionate character and really wants to be loved. Whether or not that's a planned scheme on Janine's part is anyone's guess, but I'd say she wants him to think she's vulnerable again, which I think he does, before she - quite rightly - pulls the carpet from under his feet.

Janine and Michael, together, generate a lot of sexual chemistry, but this game of one upmanship over child custody is beginning to be boring. It's turning into EastEnders' specialty piece of writing the same scene differently for each episode. And it's a long time until Christmas.

Insert into this Mother Superiour Saint Kat of the Wobbly Titties doing her social worker bit ...

You gorra come togevah for the kid ...

who refers to Janine as "that thing."

I take exception to this,and I'm waiting for Janine to nut Kat before Janine then has to go and wash the tango off her own forehead. Whatever Janine's done in her life is never as bad as what Kat's done - and at least Janine is a bitch and owns responsibility for everything she does. Unlike Kat, another bully and victim.

Writers might go scurrying for a Thesaurus every time they write for Michael, but one needs to remember that Michael, the psychopath, also has a university degree and a highly elevated and narcissistic opinion of himself. He'd tend to use a higher grade vocabulary as a means of intimidation and making other people feel inadequate. I'm guessing the lowest common denominator of brain dead tweenie keeps a dictionary by his/her side as he watches Michael, whilst creaming his/her knickers. Can't find the words, diddums? How about learning to spell then?

I never found Michael appealing. I find him less so, with his facial twitches and cadaverous smile. Here's hoping, however, all the silly fangirls longing for a relationship with a psychopath like Michael find the psycho of their dreams and live to tell the tale.

Awful episode.

Rattle Rattle Rattle, Here Come the Cattle - Review: 04.07.2013

With news out today that Jamie Lomas's character, Jake Stone, is going to be romantically involved with the ...

SECOND. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. IN. EASTENDERS.

I say ... PUKE.

I know TPTB are pushing Jossa as the go-to girl and ingenue of the moment. I know when she returns to the screen sporting a Mexican tan and highlights in her hair, we'll be asked to root for and be sympathetic to poor, misguided Lauren; but the truth is, she's the most unlikeable, immature and entitled person on the show, and I can't see a thirtysomething like Lomas's Stone is supposed to be falling for a nineteen year-old lazy, rude, entitled little bitch.

It's obvious TPTB are channelling Tiffany Raymond maturing from material girl into sweetness personified, who had to endure Grant Mitchell as a husband, before tragically meeting her end; but Lauren isn't Tiffany. She isn't anywhere near to Tiffany.

I would have tagged Lomas as Roxy's squeeze after being dumped by Alfie, but it looks as though Roxy's also being sacrificed at the altar of the Branning non-virgin.

The only good things that will come of this will be (a) that Peter Beale won't be romantically linked with Lauren yet again. That could be good, and that could be bad. He could become an item with Lola, which may work to Lola's ultimate good; or he could be paired again with the dirty skank most undelectably orange Whitney.

The other good thing is that this, surely, will mean the departure of Walford's resident Mouth-Breather-In-Chief ...

Joey Branning.

Such a shame Lauren can't leave as well.

Onward to tonight's fare ...

Two Village Idiots and a Bitter Bitch.

EastEnders definitely has a recurrent theme of man-hating, making men appear weak, gormless and ineffectual.

The four main male characters in the show at the moment are (or should be) Phil Mitchell, Ian Beale, Alfie Moon and Max Branning. They should be the principal male leads - not perfect, genuinely flawed, but veering towards the positive. Instead, especially since the Kirkwood era, the writing for three of them (Phil, Alfie and Ian) has been abysmal, and Max has been turned into a cartoon.

They've not just been presented as tragically flawed, they've been presented as pejorative beings. Phil's a wanton thug and a villain (something he's never been). Alfie is a doormat (not even conceivable in his previous stint). Ian has got to be co-dependent on some female who's sleeping with him to the point that he's bullied by his atrocious daughter (Ian Beale has lost his acerbidity). And Max cannot love whatever woman he's with until this symptom turns out to be a sad joke.

The whole brouhaha, which resulted in Ian's latest business venture going up in smoke came about via the absolute stupidest of misunderstandings. So stupid that it's reflected in the even more innate stupidity of the witnesses to the occurrence.

I'm Team Ian on this all the way.

Jean is a blithering village idiot, an annoying screeching bag of hot air, New Age philosophy and precious little common sense. And dumb as fuck. In fact, she's so damned dumb, she makes Heather (who got a mention from Shirley as she wallowed in self-pity) look like Einstein.

Anyone present earlier in the day (read: the last episode), when Jean produced the perfect souffle', would know that Ian wasn't sexually harassing Jean in the least. He was pleased, suprised and grateful that her attempt had turned out so well. He was kissing her, on the cheek, with delight at her effort.

Is Ian a demanding boss? Yes, but being a sous-chef is a demanding job, as Ian should have realised when he offered this position to Jean and something she should have realised as well when she took it.

Jean totally overreacted to Ian's behaviour, based entirely on that shitty horoscope, which she believed, word for word, and on Ian's "little treat" of giving her a glass of wine.

In fact, Jean's overreaction is precisely the way a lot of sexual harassment cases begin - in total innocence on the man's part. 

What was either stupid or low or both, were Poopy-La-Dim's and Shitney's interpretations of what happened. As I said, anyone with a modicum of common sense could see the context in which Ian kissed Jean. Poopy, as we know, has her shallow-brained head entrenched so far up her skinny arse, that she would interpret this situation differently. At the moment, she's caught up in her ego and image as a part of nouveau management in her own little empire, and I imagine sweet Poopy is something of a passive-aggressive little bitch in her own right.

As for Whitney, she's clued up enough to know exactly what Ian was about in his approach to Jean, and her reaction was simply malicious - as were her rude comments about Ian being a "perv." Ian, whether she cares to admit it or not, is family, and he's actually giving her a second chance and an opportunity to save for her wedding by giving her this job. The old Ian Beale wouldn't have had her within throwing distance of his restaurant.

Even worse that all that, was Denise's reaction, believing the bevy of Jean, Poopy-La-Dim and Whitney over Ian, himself. Ian is still fragile emotionally and psychologically, and to treat him the way she did, even suggesting that they split, is sheer stupidity.

Arguably the best scene of the evening came between Ian and Denise back at the B and B, when he was explaining to her how he came to value success - with plenty of good continuity and past reference. It's true that Pete Beale was less than ambitious. His life's plan never extended past running the family fruit and veg stall and, as Ian described, putting in the hours and then putting your feet up. It's also true that Pete thought catering an effeminate profession, and - in a coincidental reference to what became the first instance in which Julia's Theme was used - how he used to seek solace from his grandmother Lou Beale. This was one of the first times, if not the first, where Ian Beale totally explained how he became fixated on money and financial success - as a means of proving his father wrong.

Another aspect of the new and improving Ian Beale, is admitting that he is actually punching above his weight with Denise and admitting that he was always worried that his relationship with her would end, sooner rather than later, even grimly accepting what he thought was the end of his romance with Denise. Adam Woodyatt stepped up to the plate tonight.

Meanwhile, back at the Bitch Ranch, Jean's solution to her so-called "sexual harassment" is to de-camp to the Vic and drink an assortment of colourful cocktails, in the company of Shirley and Bianca. 

Shirley makes minimum wage working in the Minute Mart and pays a sixty-quid-a-night room in the B and B, quickly becoming the local dosshouse.; Bianca is terminally poor, working on a tat stall for a pittance to keep her puling brats in chicken nuggets. So both of them are seen propping up the bar in the Vic, as you do, listening to Jean, bolstered by Whitney, witter on and on about Ian's behaviour, linked inextricably to her horoscope from the previous day.

Here's an observation: Tuesday's episode centred on the lunchtime fare at Scarlett's, and the souffle' was for Carl's lunch. Now all of a sudden, in this episode, it's evening time, and Carl's got the souffle for his dinner. So the entire action in today's episode takes place in the evening of the same day as Tuesday's episode.

As I said, time and drunkenness pass quickly in Walford. Go figure.

Since Jean insists on showing Shirley and Bianca her latest horoscope, which is in her bag back at the restaurant, tanked up, they re-enter the empty restaurant to search for the bag, first lighting a plethora of candles and eventually finding a bottle of wine to drink. As you do.

This is another rank stupidity. Shirley is a fiftysomething grandmother, who's bitter, twisted and with enough of misplaced entitlement to vandalise someone's hard-earned establishment, taking whatever isn't nailed down. Even more stupid, is Bianca. She's illegally entered a closed establishment and helped herself to goods without paying for them. That's stealing, and that means, if Ian were to return, she could be arrested and summarily sent back to prison. Once again, you'd think she would have known better.

Instead, they sit about, drinking Ian's wine and trash-talking Ian, with Bianca taking the high moral road of telling about Ian paying for prostitutes, and bitchily remarking about Janine having been a prostitute. Er, really, Bianca? What about your grandmother Pat? Or even Whitney? And even though she didn't actually charge money for it, Bianca certainly put it about a bit, as well as  being guilty of GBH and theft.

The discovery of Ian's special bottle of whiskey also becomes Shirley's bitter soliloquy about her real dislike of Ian Beale - the fact that he knew what Ben did and then did nothing. Once again ... really, Shirley? It's so totally unjust that, a year after Ian's monumental breakdown, he's got this trophy restaurant, whilst she's stuck in one room in a doss house.

Even the putridly retarded Bianca is in agreement that Ian doesn't deserve his success, not that she's above working hard for such a goal. Nope, things have to be handed to Bianca.

So Shirley now includes Ian in her blame game for Heather's death. Ian said nothing about Ben's involvement, unbeknownst to Shirley, because he was being horrifically bullied by Phil into keeping schtum about Ben's involvement. And Shirley really should look in the mirror, because she betrayed Heather also, by not revealing Phil's involvement in Heather's murder. Phil's free, and he's ended his relationship with Shirley. Ian's worked to overcome his problems of the last year; Shirley had the opportunity to build a new life with her daughter and grandson and chose to return to live in a sordid doss house and work at a dead-end job ... and this is Ian's fault? For this, Ian deserves to be robbed and vandalised?

Jean acquiescing to Shirley's convoluted, drunken and self-pitying rationale was bad, the fact that, after the fire had started, the damaged enhanced by the sprinkler system starting, all three of the women left, screeching and laughing; and a drunken Kim spotted the water damage and simply shrugged and walked on.

These women suck. Truly, and I wouldn't blink if all four of them were shown the door. Vile bitches. And stupid.

The Prince of Darkness in Waiting.

Personally, Janine's and Michael's mind games are beginning to get a bit boring. This is a major problem of EastEnders. They latch onto an aspect of a story and ... lather, rinse, repeat. Again and again and again. Ad infinitum.

I think we're in for much of the same with Michael and Janine. In fact, so confusing is this harebrained action that no one is sure who's being played. On the face of it, Michael expects his instructions to Janine not to return to Walford, would be taken as an open invitation to return. That's too easy to anticipate. 

On the face of it, again, it seems Janine has snaked an admission from Michael, taped illicitly, that he wants her back in Walford because she's the mother of his child. So the entire hiring-firing-hiring facade with Billy was a ruse, and Billy Mitchell - Billy Mitchell - has one-upped Michael Moon.

Yes, so the question in this instance is, who's zooming whom? We'll never know, and by the end of the storyline, I suppose we'll be thoroughly bored with it.

Interesting scenes, however, between Michael and Jack Branning tonight, as Jack did a bit of midnight cleaning in his flat. Jack Branning actually admitted to being a crap parent, calling himself a weekend parent. He's not even that. It's been a couple of years since he's seen Penny, and he hasn't seen Richard since he was born, although the mention of the one child who did count, James, was notable foreshadowing that James's mother is returning imminently.

Even more prescient was Michael's remarks about a father being around for the child's birth, then assing off for eighteen years, leaving the mother with the hard work, and deeming the mother of said child a "horrible mother." 

This wasn't just a reference to Janine. Michael has serious, very serious mother issues. I fear his leaving line will have much to do with this, but it won't be suicide - at least, not intentionally.

The Most Pointless Characters in the Show.

Ava and Sam. Leave. Leave now. You're neither attractive, interesting or provocative. And, you're portrayed by bad, seriously bad, actors, including ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. IN. EASTENDERS.

Both characters are uninteresting and ridiculous, skittering about Walford, having clandestine sex because The Magic Negro is too afraid of her spoiled, half-Klingon son to face up to what she wants.

Another fine bit of bad continuity was the scene in the pub where Ava was sat in the booth next to the booth where Bianca was sitting. Considering the closeness which developed between the two women during Liam's gangabanga, it was weird how neither woman acknowledged the other, almost as if they were strangers.

Ava, Sam and Dex-TAAAAAAAA, otherwise known as Newman's Negroes ... epic failures.

Max in Mourning.

Max looks like a sad gecko. Kirsty looks like her hair could do with a wash. She misses Max, Max misses Tanya. Same old same old.

Carey Andrews: Purveyor of Sucked Shit. Some watchable sucked shit, but sucked shit all the same.

Same Old Same Old - Review: 02.07.2013

Carey Andrews does it again. Gave us a plonker of an episode. A little bit of this, a little bit of that and not much of anything of substance, which pretty aptly describes EastEnders these days. In other words, the same old same old.

Hardly surprising that the central focus of the episode, and the most watchable portion, were the scenes between Janine and Michael, and even that was frustrating.

Andrews is another writer who needs to fly the coop.

The Queen of the Night, The Prince of Darkness and the Court Jester

Janine makes a welcome return. She's been missed. Oddly enough, an iconic female character the current/recent powers that be haven't managed to fuck up. Charlie Brooks is immensely watchable. She doesn't shout, she doesn't throw coniption fits, she doesn't drink excessively.

But I find that, after a year, this game of cat-and-mouse with Janine and Michael, with the custody of their daughter as the ultimate prize, is a little low. For all of those fangirls creaming knickers on Digital Spy - chief amongst them being the curiously inarticulate and semi-literate being known as Pricksilla - who bleat on about how wonderful and devoted a father Michael was ... bollocks!

The man is a psychopath, a control freak, devoid of emotion and narcissistic. Ironic that this tale should be borne out during Wimbledon week, that EastEnders' two sleekest thoroughbreds clash in competition over their trophy daughter.

Dippy Alice actually understood exactly what was going on - both are playing each other, because both get off sexually playing one upmanship with each other. Janine wants Michael, but she wants him to want her, and she knows exactly which button to push.

And pushing that button, makes him wants to respond in kind. Their quirky romance, from early 2012, was all centred around their shared daddy issues and the way each would play up the other's insecurity to score points - Michael bringing up Frank, as he did tonight; Janine, bigging up Michael's mother complex, which she did a few months ago.

There's a difference now, however. 

In order to draw Michael into her lair, Janine uses her court jester, Billy.

I love the Billy-Janine dynamic, even though she ended up sacking him tonight, he'll be re-instated by the next episode. But something was off-kilter about Michael and Janine tonight - it was too contrived, too quirky rom comish.

Janine used Billy in such a way that she knew he would fuck up and Michael would, literally, come running.

Once again: Michael hasn't been mourning and mooning Scarlett. He's lost his meal ticket, his sympathy card. He's also lost the possibility of moulding a vulnerable personality - his child's - to his own specification, which - of course -meant that he'd raise her to hate her mother. His assessment that Janine wants revenge on him for abandoning her and Scarlett shortly after the baby was born. He even admitted going AWOL for awhile.

But that's not what's irked Janine. Janine remembers the absolute hell he put her through when the baby was brought home, when Janine was alone, isolated, still mourning Pat and suffering from PND. He remorselessly bullied her psychologically and emotionally, and she was an emotional wreck when she left, her self-esteem in shatters and her confidence undermined to an extent that she actually believed herself to be a bad parent. Add to that, the bullying she endured in the run up to her wedding - from Cora and Rose, from Jean, who believed she was behind Michael's scam, and from Michael, himself, who forced her to tear up the pre-nup on her weddingday.

That was a load of shit, because Janine would only have had access to a copy of the pre-nuptual agreement. Her solicitor holds the original, and that hasn't been torn up.

And Michael's narcissism showed itself in his scene with the insipid Alice, when he asserted that Scarlett loved him best. The kid is only one year old. She's lived with her mother, quite happily, for some months now, and has been with her, away from Walford, for weeks. She seems perfectly at ease with Janine, and as for the nanny, as Alice said, she, herself, was just the babysitter, whose role it was - in her words - to take care of Scarlett in order that Michael could do whatever he wanted.

Janine just can't go back to Walford, and Michael just can't go visit his wife in a straightforward way. (Cue the cringing scene with Billy telling Janine that Michael isn't coming, only for Janine to instruct Billy to try a different tack, only for Michael to show up, off-screen in a kitsch dramatic way.

Oh please. These characters are better than this, even though they are not Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant. (I expect Pricksilla will have to look these people up).

That was entertaining social light drama. Tonight's encounter in a London hotel which looked like the sanctuary at Westminster Abbey was nothing of that. Just Michael showing up, as planned, to hurl some invective Janine's way - try to gee up the old Daddy-abandonment issue again, mentioning Frank's name - Janine didn't flinch; then remind her that they were still married, and that he had "rights" - including, in his opinion, rights to half of Janine's fortune.

Sorry, since when did the UK have community property laws? Janine's money is Janine's, and there was either a retcon or a lie on Michael's part, when he said he never spent a penny of Janine's money. He did. He was the one who was seeking to distract her with expensive gifts, whilst keeping her insecure and undermined, so he could rifle his way through her inheritance. And the way he assumed the moral high ground because she left him when he was the one who was clearly driving her away was disgusting.

Still, Janine didn't flinch. As for the pre-nup,all she has to do is produce the intact hard copy her solicitor holds.

It's hard to say who won that round, because Janine wanted to be enticed back to Walford by being told to stay away, which is what Michael did. So he thinks he has the upper hand, and so does she.

I am Team Janine all the way in this, and the fan girls with the wet knickers and bad spelling can go to hell in a handcart. I hope their fondest wish comes true - that they end up with the psychopath of their dreams and that he makes their lives hell.

Cora Tells the Truth.

After peering through the window at a fiftysomething couple fucking, Cora, at first, takes it upon herself to tell Ava that, like her "sisters," she isn't a very good judge of men.

As Ava pointed out, it's a bit late in the day for Cora to assume parental privileges over Ava, played by 

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. IN. EASTENDERS.

It's lunchtime, again, Cora's in the pub, and in struts pineapple-headed half-Klingon Magic Negro, fresh from her patrolling of the Square - another day not in school, Ava? Let's cut the shit about her being a teacher, because this is the biggest insult to the teaching profession ever on this show. Anyway, being The Magic Negro on Walford patrol is thirsty work, so Ava the Rava orders a G & T for herself and one for her old white mum.

Ava's response to Cora's unsolicited advice is that Cora gave up any pretence to that right over forty years ago - well, coming up forty-nine to be precise. And - surprise surprise ...

Yep, Cora leaves her with the parting shot that she, Cora, is just the woman who gave birth to her, which was a compromising position for Cora. And that, gobsmackingly, was the truth.

Cora isn't Ava's mother. She just gave birth to her and gave her up. Doesn't matter what reason, she did; and just because she's "mates" with Cora's little Cock, doesn't give her the right to be judgemental about this deeply boring and awfully ridiculous character.

The sooner Ava and Cora leave Walford, the better.

FrankenPoopy.

Does Poopy-La-Dim even register that Tanya is actually selling Booty, and that when the sale is complete, Poopy will have nothing to self-made manage?

It seems as if even Fatboy is thinking that the sudden promotion has rendered Poopy something of the monster variety...

Let's hope this is not Fatboy's and Poopy's wedding day:-

I guess Poopy must be on her way out, especially as the past two episodes have had her show no remorse or compassion about her employer's plight, instead wittering on about her pay rise and giving the viewers an in-depth report in what a total waste of space Lola is, which doesn't sound surprising at all - Lola turning up for an appointment twenty minutes after the customer has arrived. Sounds as though the self-made manager isn't managing all that well, except to hang around Ian Beale's restaurant and collect money for Dot's waifs and strays.

Not funny. Even less funny was Alice sharing her shallowness.

Dot the Good Samaritan.

Dot does a Pat turn in tonight's episode. I wondered how she'd react to Kirsty's lie, and she came up trumps. She was subtle, yet wonderfully compassionate to Kirsty's plight, who apologised for doing what she did. Dot, surprisingly, didn't want to judge, and told her to hold her head up, that people in the Square had seen worse, and would soon find something else about which to gossip (yes, Ronnie's coming back). However, Dot, being Dot, asked for the booties she'd knitted the non-existent baby, because a church mate of Dot's had a daughter who was expecting ... then the kick in the gut ... a little boy.

That, oddly, reminded me of the time a bi-polar Stacey told Dot that her baby wasn't Bradley's so Dot could stop knitting baby clothes. Dot took the knitting she'd done for the child and threw it in the bin. At least she's giving this away.

The Village Idiot Strikes Again.

The play-up of Jean fearing Ian has feelings for her is twofold - it's the preamble to the fire, which happens on Thursday, and it's also the preamble to Jean's actual romance. It was only two years ago when Jean was actively pursuing Ian Beale as a romantic interest. Remember her offhand treatment of Jane, when Jane was cooking for the pub?

Tonight's tension is set against a backdrop of Jean attempting to make the perfect souffle - and I presume that the unlikely souffle customer to which they're all referring is Carl, come for his freebie meal.

Once again, contrived dialogue to make every utterance from Ian Beale's mouth a double entendre. Example:-

Ian: Jean, you're more than a friend. You're my right hand.

Line of the night, however, goes to Shirley, doing what Shirley does best - zingers:-

Shirley: Now let me get this straight. Your horoscope says "The Moon is in Uranus," and you think Ian Beale has a crush on you?

All it takes is a few illicit chocolates with Shirley and some sharp words from Denise to convince Jean, the Slater/Moon Village Idiot, that Ian is turning to Jean for some sexual comfort after dealing all day with Denise the Dominatrix, which leads to the situation in which Ian, kissing her in congratulations for achieving the feat of a perfect souffle, gets smacked by Jean. Which is assault, technically.

This show is like the Number 10 bus of RomComs. You tune in, expecting to see nothing of this tripe, and you get two for the price of nothing, with a fire thrown in on Thursday.

Poor fare,  made barely watchable by Janine and Michael.

What Sucking Shit Must Me Like - Review: 01.07.2013

Well, that was a short week, folks. As the song says ...

Back to life, back to reality ... and the reality is that Australian Peter Matessi sucks shit as a writer for EastEnders, and the show was back to, well, sucking shit once more.

All the good that was portrayed in Friday's episode went down the drain, and - Jake Wood, aside - we were presented with the total crapiola, bad writing, embarrassing acting and totally negative characterisation that's become the trademark of EastEnders lately.

This isn't EastEnders. This isn't even EastEnders 2.0, which - effectively - ended Friday night when the door slammed on Tanya's fat arse. (It'll be locked solid when Jack leaves). Nope, this is EastEnders 2.01, chocked full of catalogue models posing as young adults who act like entitled, spoiled adolescents, shallow girls with no common sense, bitter old alcholic crones of varying degrees passing judgement, the odd village idiot and the Magic Negro and her shambolic clan.

This, folks, is inconsistency. It's why the writing room needs clearing out, and it's why EastEnders' problems are far from over and why the return of Samantha Womack won't solve them.

Team Branning: Time Someone Gave Abi a Smack.

I praised Abi on Friday because she took her putrid mother to task for lying to Max and absconding with his children. He had a right to know, and she stated it. There are those on various fora who say it wasn't her place to speak to her mother like that and about that subject, but I say it was.

However, tonight, it was back to the same old same old. The morning after, just past eleven o'clock, and already Tanya's found a place to rent in the centre of Exeter.  Clever girl, that Tanya. Wonder what she had to do to achieve that and wonder how handsome/rich/well-endowed the estate agent was?

Anyway, we're back to Abi taking the phonecall from Mummy Dearest, only to look past Max, in the house where Max pays the rent and all the utilities, towards freeloader Cora the Bora and Dex-TAAAAAAAAAA, who's happened to horn in after not being part, parcel and party to Lauren's troubles or really to any personal business of the Branning family. Ignoring Max was bloody rude, but actually blaming him for Tanya leaving was low.

It was Tanya's fault as much as Max's that she couldn't live with or without him. The guilty parties in a co-dependent relationship were both the participants; but Tanya was in two co-dependent relationships - one with Max, and one has to assume she was with Max because the sex with him was so mind-blowing; and one with Lauren, because Lauren was her daughter-girlfriend. Tanya is toxic, and I predict the reason Lauren, fresh out of rehab, will return to Walford on her own, will be because she was being stifled by Tanya's constant presence.

It was Tanya's weakness, her jealousy of the fact that Max would deign to marry another person and then her wounded pride when she found out that Max had left the lying Kirsty that caused her to leave Walford. It was also Tanya's obsession with all things Lauren. Sure, Tanya focusedd on Abi, "her special gel" who was studying for exams, for the past two years; but Abi was never Tanya's special girl. That was all a front to shame Lauren into bucking her ideas up. She wanted Abi to go with her because she was part of the front against Big Bad Dad. And there Abi is, holding down the fort, blaming Max for all sorts.

Where she really was out of order was in her confrontation with Kirsty. Yes, what Kirsty did was wrong and abominable; but Abi doesn't understand half of the adult dynamic that was Max and Kirsty. She doesn't understand or know that Max has feelings for her, that he couldn't even tell her he didn't love her. She knows nothing about Kirsty's background, how she met Max, what attracted the two and how desperate she was to hold onto someone she saw as the only positive thing in her life enough to tell such a lie as she told.

For Abi to confront her on the street in a public situation, screaming at the top of her voice, demanding to know what sort of person would do what Kirsty did is actually worse than Kirsty's behaviour. It's judgemental, hypocritical and wrong. At least, at the end of the day, Kirsty didn't snake a married man away from his child. For once, when I saw Kat put in a brief appearance across the street, I wanted her to come over and smack the living shit out of that spoiled, entitled, bare-faced little brat.

Of course, the fount of all wisdom is there at Abi's side; because Abi has her own Magic-Negro-in-Training, Dex-TAAAAAAAAAA. 

And it just happens to be his day off! So she gets the philosophical Magic Negro treatment of Dex-TAAAAAAAA lecturing Abi about how she only has one dad, and Max is the one, and how they have to stick together - ne'mind he can't follow his own advice; His final assessment is that parents are "mental" - so I guess that includes his friend Lola, who happens to be a parent. Or doesn't he consider her one?

The highlight of Team Branning for me was when Max told Cora the Bora where to go. Like, away. I hope he's kicked her skank arse out of the house. She never contributed a red copper penny to the rent of the house, spent all the housekeeping money Tanya left her when she ran away earlier this year - spent it on drink; and she wasn't above handing Abi a wodge of  brown envelopes to ferry across the street to Max, with instructions that he was to pay them.

Even after Max thought better of his actions and offered an olive branch to the old coot, she couldn't risk showing any gratitude, instead questioning his skills as a father, when she should really be looking in the mirror at the sterling job she did as a parent, herself. And where was she before her afternoon shift at the launderette? Stoking up on the stiff G & T's at the pub. I hope her liver fails. 

Max, of course, was centre stage. Jake Wood, easily has the most emotive face of any actor on the show, but at times, when he's on a sad run, he looks curiously likes the gecko he voices in the GEICO ads:-

And Max is still the same. He's hurt by Kirsty - another reason Abi had no call to assume what she did, without knowing how Max felt about not being a father again, not even understanding the undermining her mother was trying to accomplish by separating his three living children from the assumed newborn, as if they weren't to be related, all the while running all over Walford trying to wipe Ava's arse, out of guilt.

Max has been hurt by Kirsty, but he isn't ready to tell her he doesn't love her. Kirsty was probably right. If Max had told her that he didn't love her, she would have slunk away, never to be seen again; after all, when Max told her he didn't want her, he wanted to be with Tanya and shoved the divorce papers at her, she signed them and left. What killed that with Tanya was that Max couldn't admit that he didn't have feelings for Kirsty. This time, he still can't. As long as there's a chance for Max to love Kirsty, she'll hang on in there, hoping for a crumb from Max's table.

Such is the Twenty-First Century woman of Walford.

Now the Shit That Sucked

The Magic Negro and Dex-TAAAAAA and the Drunken Old Hag.

Here she is ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. IN. EASTENDERS.

Is this woman a joke? She's actually going to school on a day when the kids are on a field trip - only, she doesn't make it because Sam the Sham wants to set up a session of Commando Sex. (And we're supposed to think that is funny).

Seriously, I don't think the mulit-racial Cross clan is working at all. Why? Ava made it abundantly clear in the episodes written for the temporary character of Ava, when she was a well-spoken, well-educated professional, that she had a middle-class upbringing by loving white parents in Surbiton - you know, Surbiton as in Jerry and Margo Leadbetter ...

In subsequent episodes, Ava's led people to believe her parents are still alive. They helped her deal with Dexter when he was in a gang, they sent him presents - most recently a shirt. She spoke of them in the present tense. She made it abundantly clear as well that she had nothing in common with Cora, and why would she? Cora is not her mother. She's the woman who gave birth to her and who gave her up.

Yet Cora's marched around Walford, giving Sam the evil eye, threatening him and telling him to leave. Really, Cora? Like, what could you do? He's a free man in a free country. And she's no claim on Ava; and if Ava really cared about her untalented, unintelligible, poor imitation of Will Smith of a son, she wouldn't want him anyplace near Cora. In fact, no parent should want their child anyplace near Cora. She's not a good influence.

She's rude, she's dishonest and she has poor judgement skills. Does Ava know how she fleeced Dot Branning out of thousands of pounds in rent and almost got her evicted?

I have no interest whatsoever in the pineapple-headed teacher who only seems to roam the streets known as the Magic Negro. Nor her son. Nor her long-lost whatever, who came with a totally retconned past.

Here it is again: Ava recounted how her white middle class parents paid for a top-flight education for her at a good university. She must have started teaching at twenty-two. Later this summer, she'll turn forty-nine and Cock will turn twenty-one, which will probably mean a celebration (yawn). So Ava was 28 when Dexter was born. Hardly a spring chicken, and with at least six years' teaching experience behind her. Living with a man who was a builder - another well-paid profession. 

So what the hell were they doing living in a squat in Croydon when Dexter was born?

The sudden interest tonight of Ava in All Things Cross was pathetic. At best, she's been indifferent to Tanya, and it's always been Tanya who forced herself on Ava - relentlessly at first, as though Ava were one of those speciality black mamma dolls that Tanya thought was a novelty. Then the magic wore off, especially after an afternoon of wine and Tanya telling Ava to "go for it" with Sam, and she was basically dropped.

People wonder why The Magic Negro didn't turn up with words of wisdom and glares at Max on Friday night. She didn't need to be there, anymore than she doesn't need to be judgemental of Max, when all these people are fucking strangers and not her family.

I think it's safe to call the casting of Ava as a permanent character and her unlikeable son an epic fail. Ava and Co are Newman's Moon Goons, characters created and cast on the spur of the moment because the EP liked the actress, with no development arc, no defined backstory and no depth. And Clare Perkins sucks too. There. I said it.

However, taken apart from Ava and the interminable Daddy Issue storyline, Sam, on his own, shows some promise. In his scenes with Jean tonight, he showed humour and real compassion - a nice man. And I'd like to see him stay.

Ava, the sprog and the drunken old coot can fuck off out of Walford, hopefully together. I wouldn't miss them at all. And Cora only brings the wonderful Patrick down to her sordid level.

Those three are top of my list for axing.

Poopy-La-Dim.

Tick tock tick tock.

Poopy's been made manageress of Booty's, which means a serious demeanor, an upgrade in salary and something she wants to witter onto everyone about. Except no one wants to hear. The Walford residents are getting bored with Poopy, and since Tanya's selling the Salon, which Poopy doesn't know, then she'll be out on her arse again shortly. And out of Walford, hopefully.

How long before the Pooper-Scooper arrives for Poopy?

The Mouth Breathers' Association.

OK, I'm convinced tonight that Hetti Bywater is another actress who sucks. She must be painfully aware of how thin she is on camera or else she was so thin that she was freezing the way she keeps her arms wrapped about her, and her delivery is awful.

Joey: You was mean to Lauren.

Lucy: Yeah ... well ... I was .... mean ... to Lauren.

Joey: You was s'posed ter be'er friend.

Lucy: We were ... friends but ... it .... wasn't like ... that.

I got so fed up with her affected glottal stops and her uneven delivery, I kept looking at the clock.

Who the fuck cares about Lauren, Lucy or Joey?

Really, this is another bad, bad example EastEnders have set before viewers, giving young girls the idea that nothing matters unless you've got that godalmighty man. Kirsty would do anything for Max, and Lucy and Lauren would do anything for the incredibly lame-brained and unintelligible underwear model who plays Joey. David Witts, nice lad, is the most talentless actor ever to appear in front of a camera on the show. He makes Tony Discipline look adequate and Liam Bergin look like Laurence Olivier.

As I said about Friday's episode, this is now, once again all about Lauren's love for Joey, which was not only unconvincing, it was gross, as they were cousins. His one chance at happiness? Pull the other one, sunshine. He fucked Lucy Beale to get a roof over his head, snogged Whitney (whom he's about to revisit) and suddenly decided he was in love with Lauren. I'd love to see an episode where he got an STI, where it turned out to be syphilis and it rotted off.

Lucy and Joey should be on the way out of Walford, it doesn't matter if she's a Beale. She's rank. And he's worse. He's rotten.

SuperJean.

Jean's working two jobs as a cook - one at the Vic, and one at the restaurant. I suppose the ethos behind Jean's tale of woe tonight - which will lead into the big fire later on in the week - is that when Jean speaks, no one listens.

Jean is the Slater-Moon's village idiot. She believes horoscopes, because Jean believes all sorts of New Age blather. She's Wicca Dot really. So now we know that when Dot passes, Jean wll bring out the incense and magic mushrooms and dispense loving wisdom to all of Walford.

How many times did she tell Ian tonight that she wasn't working at the restaurant today? He didn't listen, and she wouldn't make herself heard, so she got caught in a melee of meals at the Vic and being expected to cook at Scarlett's, with Ian scared shitless about Carl showing up.

And how many times do we have to see Jean run ragged, arms flailing, voice screeching, head bobbing and legs churning like a comic book character until she stops in the middle of the Square and bursts into tears? Of course, there's always someone there to pick up the pieces - Max or Alfie or in this instance Sam.

Instead of mollifying the situation, we call on another of Jean's stock party pieces - misunderstanding the attentions of an inappropriate man. OK, we know Jean's horoscope probably refers to her future romance with the geezer from The Bill, but Ian's turn of phrase about a "little treat" for Jean to reward her performance as an employee, has her now thinking that Ian's got a crush on her - and where'd she get that idea? Daftly suggested by Shirley, who was encouraging her to mutiny and give up the job. Shirley's jealous because Jean's got two jobs which probably pay relatively well, whilst she's still on minimum wage.

Not good. Not funny.

Line of the night goes to Phil Mitchell about Lauren in rehab ... She's in the best place.

True. Too bad, she's not staying.

Oh yeah ... crap duff-duff too. Totally undeserved and just rank.