You live on a street in a working-class neighbourhood. There's a bloke who lives in the end of terrace, much tattooed, hair perfectly coiffed, in love with himself and knowing he's a babe magnet. He gets involved with a nice young woman, leads her to believe he loves her, then bins her for someone else. He finds out the ex is pregnant, then bins the new girlfriend to move in with the old and raise their child.
The child is born, and before long, the bloke is seeing the other girlfriend, whilst living with the mother of his child.
Not good form, you say. Then, the current girlfriend announces she's pregnant. In neither case is there a proposal or an engagement ring or any voiced avowal of commitment.
The bloke is 23, the women, each, are 21.
Were this a story from your street or from the tabloids, all parties would be roundly condemned, especially the man involved, who neither could keep his dick from over-exposure nor could he commit to either mother of his children. At the very best, both women involved would be pitied for their stupidity.
Still, an incident like this would lead to most people sucking on their teeth and describing it in one word.
Common.
The Only Way Is Essex is a scripted reality show with people of little intelligence, no talent and a desire to be rich and famous without working for it. The men on the show are shallow and self-obsessed, and the women are likewise.
Jacqueline Jossa is a very young, very naive, functionally illiterate and spoiled youngest child of an embezzler and graduate of a fame academy. Note, I said "fame academy," not drama school. Drama schools admit via proven talent; fame academies admit by cheque. Jossa is the self-proclaimed leader of EastEnders' Brat Pack, a talentless actress who is all too aware of the camera, and who is and whose character on the programme is the very embodiment of Millennial entitlement, shallowness and self-obsession.
She's pregnant by the stud dude from TOWIE, whose ex-girlfriend, with whom he lives, has his 8 month-old son. Yet instead of eyebrows being arched, people are rushing to congratulate them both. Dan Osborne walked from the mother of his child, and his relationship with Jossa has been jagged from the beginning.
For the record and for the benefit of the rude person who labelled them thus, you can live with someone for donkeys' years, but if you ain't got that piece of paper, honey, he can walk anytime.
Just ask Jeri Hall. Or as Beyoncé says, if the respect and the commitment is there, "put a ring on it.."
And I'm not talking about the appendage wherein lies most of Mr Osborne's dubious talent. And if I were Jossa, I'd be getting checked for STDs.
Down to the review.
Monday 11.08.2014 - Emotional
First of all, it was easy to fathom that the overall theme was emotional blackmail, and the best scenes were with the Moon/Slaters. Once again, Stacey stole the show. I have to say it yet again - her initial return sucked, but from the moment Stacey took responsibility for her actions, she's become one of the best characters on the show. Lacey Turner is awfully good at playing Stacey, and showing Stacey maturing is very good as well. It's good the actress has found her niche and is comfortable enough in character to want to stay indefinitely.
The rest of the show was infuriating, and I have to say it, the Carters are beginning to become a bit rank at the moment.
First things first: Alfie and Kat are back to where they should have been all along before the Kirkwood fuck-up. It was a joy to see them dealing with the newborn twins and the house a welter of baby things and the confusion that inevitably surrounds newborns. It's also good to know that "Bert and Ernie" are only temporary names.
I felt sorry for Stacey's dilemma, being hit hard from both sides by, first, Alfie's emotional blackmail and then Jean's. It's a bit disconcerting that all of the kerfuffle around getting Stacey to appeal comes from the ability or inability to cope with poor little Lily. Of course, Alfie has a point. He and Kat have three children, two of whom are infants. I wanted to scream, however, when Alfie used the line asking Stacey if she realised exactly how hard Kat was working, because I wanted to shout back to Alfie You should be working and all!
Then Jean rocked up, and I thought Stacey was pretty accurate in her accusations of Jean manipulating her, because that's exactly what Jean did, even though she originally denied it; she subsequently, practically admitted that she cut her wrists without thinking, as a means of making Stacey reconsider, and at least she eventually admitted that she couldn't cope with Lily.
The line of the episode goes to Stacey, the only one of two adults in the room at the moment (you'll be surprised who the other one is):-
I just want to serve my sentence and be a good person.
Of course, the appeal storyline is hard to swallow in its unreality. It is EastEnders' Tracey Barlow moment, when Corrie, some years ago, decided to imprison an important legacy character on a charge of murder she actually did commit. Three years down the line, when they wanted the character to return, they had to invent an equally unreal technicality.
In this respect, as Stacey has reiterated, the police and judicial authorities know she was in command of her faculties and not having a bi-polar episode when she killed Archie. That much was established, and she would have been thoroughly examined when she confessed to ascertain that. How this appeal hinges on alerting the authorities to a history of bi-polar syndrome in her family, how she grew up caring for her mother who suffered from the condition and how she subsequently developed the condition, herself, would be money for old rope in real time and wouldn't even be considered.
But you know - and I'm a purist's purist when it comes to EastEnders - with the show being overrun and our being force-fed situations like the Carters, fronted by an outright bully, I welcome a character like Stacey, and if this is the only way she can return, then I grant them their dramatic licence. It could have been accomplished in 2010 by sending her to prison and having her being released on licence right about now. Still, she's back and I'm glad.
The other adult in the room tonight was - wait for this ... are you sitting down?
Lauren.
At first, I was astonished that she was even palling around with Johnny and Nancy. There has been some friendly banter with Johnny, and if they're thinking about mulling a friendship between Lauren and Nancy, I hope that they pull Lauren up to her standard instead of Lauren bringing Nancy downto hers.
With all the angst and wordless blame hitting fever pitch in the Carter household, it was supremely adult of Lauren - considering the behaviour of all of Walford - to cast aside everything that happened and hang out with Johnny and Nancy, and actually, tactfully ignore the situation.Fat chance of that with Shirley's menacing glare greeting her, and all it took was a joke from Lauren about Nancy forgetting to remove her rubber gloves to get Nancy to put the proverbial pugilistic gloves on and blame Lauren's nan for the current situation.
The simple truth is this - that whilst the ultimate blame for this situation lies with Ian's penchant for kerb-crawling, Mick didn't have to agree to cop the blame for Ian's crime. Even good intentions and Good Samaritan-style deeds often have bad repercussions, but Mick wears his suffering like a Christian martyr. Has there ever been such a saintly character?
This is getting extremely melodramatic - the noble Mick the good brother; his partner Linda, chin held high and suffering with dignity and evil brother Dean, determined to corrupt the virtuous woman - all whirling around Mamma Shirl, daring anyone to cross her family.
Actually, I'm getting a bit browned off with all this "fairmly" stuff.
I'm a Mitchell!
She's a Slater!
Us Beales stick together!
We're the Carters, we stick togevvah and front it out!
Ironically, the most obnoxious family of the lot, the Brannings, never pulled this family bunkum - probably because they realised they were obnoxious. Of course, Sharon doesn't have that problem either, but let's hope that DTC remembers that Walford is Sharon's manor, by virtue of the fact that she is Den Watts's daughter.
Of course, the Carter-Cross conundrum is six of one and half a dozen of another. The scene between Cora and Lauren, when Cora is force to explain to Lauren the identity of the prostitute in question, was priceless.
The Carters are annoying me. If Mick gets any saintlier, he'll ascend into Heaven to sit at the right hand of God.
This is London. I can't imagine that a place like that would be small-minded enough to gossip and giggle about a landlord's indiscretion. And instead of whispering behind their hands as Linda does the requisite walk of shame, you'd think all the sympathies would be with her. She's so caught up in keeping up appearances and belligerantly fronting it out, she's doing herself a disservice and forcing people to talk. Instead of putting themselves so front and centre, and making their front a challenge to the community they are supposed to serve, they'd better just to keep it subtle and carry on, business as usual. This way, it looks as though Linda is throwing down the gauntlet to the community and viewing them as almost the enemy in this instance.
The scene between her and Denise was ironic, considering that Denise's partner is responsible for Mick's predicament and doesn't know about what Ian's done, but - Lordy! - when did Mick become a pillar of the community? He's not been a part of that community five minutes! Patrick's a pillar of the community, even weaselly Ian, who should be exposed, but Mick? Not yet.
And Linda, herself, is so caught up in this dilemma that she's actually paranoid. She's worried about Shabnam's initial reaction in the Square. Shabnam would rather eat her fingers rather than enter the pub. She's not a customer, not a regular; and no matter what any of the Carters did, Shabnam would always judge them. There's a difference between Shabnam's judgement, considering that her father was once ready to run off with a woman young enough to be his daughter, and Lauren's non-judgement which earned her a pissy comment from Shirley regarding Max's conduct. Shirley has no right to make such judgemental comments, herself, after some of the shit she's dished.
Linda even imagined that Sharon was blanking her, and if that were so, this is yet another example of yet another writer who doesn't understand Sharon. Sharon doesn't know about Ian's behaviour, and she probably was off to help him with his appeal; but, given the right writer, she'd be more sympathetic to Linda's position, considering what she lived through with Angie and Den. The remark Shirley made likening Sharon to a witch on a broom was pukeworthy. A broomstick and a pointed hat would suit Shirley very nicely, and I hope when Sharon finds out the true extent of Shirley's association with Den, that she metes Shirley the same punch she gave Chrissy, and publically too.
Linda's on a hiding to a massive self-pity trip, and that's exactly what Dean wants to see. Misery loves company, and Dean is intent on keeping Linda company. The secret smile and the caressing of the wineglass as Linda left the salon was nothing short of creepy. And EastEnders seems to dwell a lot on creepiness at the moment.
Watchable episode, but the Carters are beginning to grate on me for the moment.
Tuesday 12.08.2014 - Secrets and Lies
Better than Monday's, but there are so many secrets and lies swirling around various citizenry that it's difficult to keep track of everything. The Carters dig themselves deeper into a hole with the situation surrounding Saint Mick the Sin-Eater.
The Carters keep secrets from their kids and each other. They probably keep secrets from themselves and don't realise it. So now Mick and Linda are keeping yet another secret from the kids and presenting a lie to the public in order to cover Ian, whilst Mick resorts to telling Stan a lie when Stan's about to suss the truth. Pretty soon, no one in that family will know what the truth is anymore. Prediction? Stan will probably present what Mick's told him to Dean as the truth, giving Dean reason to think he's in like Flynn with Linda.
Speaking of Linda, this is probably the first time since she's been with Mick that he's let her down, and you can tell that she thinks he has. Saint Mick is too selfless to be believed. He'd rather sacrifice his own reputation to the public and to his children to cover for someone whom he's only known briefly in compassion for the fact that Ian's lost a daughter. Linda, on the other hand, takes the humiliation personally, and is offended that Mick would put a stranger's needs before the emotional security of his family. Here are the first cracks in the Carters' pseudo-marital armour. Linda feels let down and disappointed by her hero Mick, Mick is disappointed in Linda's behaviour, and isn't above using a bit of emotional blackmail in order to get Linda to back off her moral quest.
An important point to note is that there has now been a secret witheld by one Carter from another. Ian busted Linda's little secret visit to Mick. You can just hear the chinks in the armour begin to rust.
Ian's more worried about Linda revealing his sordid little secret than about the press conference concerning his daughter, and Phil is suss enough to realise that he's hiding something. And it was obvious that the police deliberately leaked the information about drugs to the press for exactly the same reason Phil told Ian. The police suspect Ian or someone within the family. 'Twas ever thus when they do those press conferences in real life. Ian blubs again - something that's getting old. The Beales have not come out of this smelling of roses, and Peter is rich, the way he he's ignoring Lola to subtly hanker after Lauren, whose five minutes of my good graces were up last night. Trust Whitney to be the one to point out to Lauren that Lola's behaviour toward her had something to do with Peter being Lola's boyfriend. Ian not only had to have a cuddle from Peter, he had to bring along a whole army of support. One wonders what Sharon's reaction would be to the fact that it was Ian, not Mick, who kerb-crawled. Or Denise.
Finally, Ann Mitchell and Timothy West stole the show again. Cora was brilliant in her dignified assertion that she knows Mick was guilty of his crime. She wasn't a witness, and she's basing it on Rainie's character. She's wrong, of course, and she's tragic. Everyone is wrong, and it's going to lead to a bigger wrong.
Ian should employ Alfie to run his cafe.
Thursday 14.08.2014 - Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard
I gave this episode a 7. I would have given it an 8, but I didn't and here's why (and, no, it's not because of the Carters).
The Brat Pack, specifically Whitney, Abi, Jay and Lauren. For good measure, I'll add Peter the Deadbeat Moocher to the equation as well.
I know they were there for a purpose tonight, but I'm still trying to figure out what the purpose is. Their remit was twofold - to emphasise the fact that Lauren has a crush on Dean, and to emphasise the fact that Peter the Deadbeat Moocher is also Peter the Deadbeat Moocher Condescending Cad, because he was jealous of the attention Lauren was giving Dean.
Dean is 27 years old - closer to the age of someone like Janine Butcher and the almost exact contemporary of Stacey. The female members of the Brat Pack acted like a bunch of screaming schoolgirls tonight. He would never, in a million years, show an interest in them for anything more than for what he could get sexually. Drunken Abi (who went straight onto alcohol after imbibing five coffees) snorting and giggling more than usual; Whitney shrieking encouragement like a fishwife, and Lauren doing her self-perpetuating virgin act tonight.
They stank up the place. I actually felt sorry for Lola again - much younger than the rest of that gaggle, apart from Abi. Peter persuaded her that he loved her, and now he openly treats her like a nuisance. She was trying her best to be there for him. Sometimes, it's very difficult to offer support to someone who's lost a family member, but Lola is so young, and we have to remember that, for all the beatifying Peter's doing for his not-so-nice sister, Lola, directly, doesn't have any nice memories of Lucy at all.
Granted, at the time, Lola was acting pretty badly, herself, and Lucy was struggling to keep Ian's businesses afloat, but it seems that Peter is ashamed of the fact that he's got himself involved with someone so socially inferior, when he can have, instead, a spoiled, entitled, self-obsessed attempted murderer, who has already broken up one marriage and think herself a moral arbitre. He seems to resent the fact that Lucy is dead, whilst Lola is alive.
What he doesn't perceive is that Lola is more perceptive than he is. She honed in right away on the fact that Peter, who wanted some quiet time, suddenly wanted to stick around a packed pub once he saw Lauren was around; she also perceived that he left in a jealous huff when Lauren started flirting with Dean.
Oh, and Nancy's and Lauren's snide exchanges were equally as bad as the other. Lauren bitchily remarking on how immature Nancy was acting was cancelled out by Lauren's giggling twelve-year-old-girl-with-a-rockstar-crush routine with Dean.
Apart from Lola, those brats offer nothing, not even Jay, whose subtle passive-aggressive intimidation of Abi regarding her university career is appalling. Of course, that's him in the video, and he knows it, for all the red herring honing ins on Les, Dean (who hadn't even come to Walford) and Billy; but he's scared shitless because he's afraid Phil might recognise him and want to know what he was doing on that bus. Easy ... going to see Ben. I reckon that's how Ben's whereabouts will come to be known.
So now Phil knows about Ian and Rainie, his old crack cocaine partner-in-crime. And Phil just happens to have retained Rainie's mobile number after all these years. Pull the other one. It always amazes me how everyone on the Square has everyone else's cellphone number, but you'd think that Phil would long ago have wiped any contact with Rainie from any device. Ian being blackmailed by a prostitute whom he knows is a staple of EastEnders, and it's almost comical.
This murder storyline has done nothing for either Peter's or Ian's characters.
Another observation: As much as I want to believe that Phil was morally outraged at the Carters using the Lucy appeal as an added bonus to their Two-for-the-Price-of-One drinks night, I think there was a fair amount of financial concern involved in that as well, especially since he'd found the publicity for their drinks' campaign and reckoned they were pinching The Albert's trade. Standing the moral high ground and shaming the yokels from the pub was amusing. The pub has nothing to do with the Mitchells anymore, and yet it does. It's laughable - almost as laughable as Mike's watery threat. The most effective threat Mick could hope to make to Phil would be to tell his sister-mommy on him, and then, to his surprise, Shirley would reveal herself to be Team Phil.
As for Sharon, please, DTC, style her hair to be worn up off her shoulders. Other than that, she played a blinder. For a moment, I was worried that she was having second thoughts about Phil, but I'm glad she's putting herself before being impressed with the compassion Phil showed Ian. She has herself and her son to consider, as well as remembering the fact that Phil thought nothing of scaring the piss out of her in order to get his own way.
The final scene where Phil is informed that Sharon will be late had a twist in the tale, as when Phil pulled out his phone, I thought for sure he'd be ringing Saint Shirley. Instead, he's going to phone Rainie.
The truth and lies are getting so confused at the Carters, it's mind-boggling. Mick's going to lie about being with a prostitute so much that he's going to begin to believe it. Mick's concern is for a "mate" who fell off the morality wagon on the night his daughter died. Linda's concern is for herself and her image in the community.
The Carters are quarrelling, probably as they've never quarrelled before -over the truth he told Linda and the lie he told Stan, who believes it to be the truth and who's passed this version of the truth onto Dean, which gives Dean some sort of ammunition which turns out to be blanks.
Dean and Linda are an obvious rehash of Sean and Tanya (simiar assonance in the names), but with some sort of sardonic twist. I hope this isn't a rape, because that would limit the shelf-life of Dean's character, and we're low on the number of males in the 25-40 demographic.
The line of the night went to Nancy about her parents:- You two act are worse than teenagers.
That entire lot has the mentality and the behavioral patterns of teenagers.
Watchable episode. Could be better. The "yoof" stank it up.
Friday 15.08.2014 - The Weakest Link
Once again, a weak episode ends the week, the high points being Jay getting antsy about the police wanting to trace the man in the beanie hat and then burning it.
Oh, and Abi's non-results. Abi doesn't get the results she needs, so she comes home and lies to everyone about it. As you do. And thus boxing herself into an impossible situation. Am I to understand that her grades were so bad, she couldn't find a place in clearing? Somehow, I'm sure she'll either end up studying something else at the University of East London, thus remaining on the Square, or she won't go to uni at all and eke out some sort of part-time living on the Square, whilst Max subsidises her. Again, as you do.
Crumbs, I was hoping Abi would leave the Square to study far, far away (snort, giggle). What I want to know is why she lied to everyone? Because, unlike the lies of Mick, Max and her father, which are capable of being twisted and elongated, Abi's lie has a distinctive shelf-life.
This episode was 75% Brat Pack, with nothing happening. The impromptu get-together at the Brannings to celebrate a lie, ends with Jay storming off in a strop because the party had turned into a panel discussion about Lucy Beale - well, he stormed off in a strop because he was bricking it, thinking Fatboy or one of the others might recognise Jay on the bus.
Obviously, the reason the police want to speak to Jay is because the beanie-hatted man was the only passenger on the bus to follow in Lucy's direction. Well, we can surmise why Jay was on that bus and where he was going. This is the first step in the return of Ben.
But at times during these superfluous filler scenes of lather, rinse and repeat (Abi staring hopelessly at grades, hugging Jay; Abi staring hopelessly at grades, hugging Max; Carter brothers bringing party gear to the house; small talk), reminded me of the long Newman summer.
There were all the same old same olds simmering in the background - Jay surreptitiously
Dean deemed the get-together a children's party, and he wasn't far off wrong. Why would a 27 year-old business owner want to pal around with schoolgirls? For the same reason he wants to pal around with Lauren, who isn't far off being a schoolgirl and who suddenly acts as if she's a fourteen year-old with crush, hovering about him. Dean isn't the least bit interested in her, except using her as a sexual release and substitute for Linda.
Speaking of Linda, she's misreading Mick's signals entirely. It says quite a bit that she automatically assumes the bouquet of 12 pink roses was sent by Dean. She's lived with Mick for most of her life, and she never once thought that her partner might just be sending her her favourite flowers as a peace offering and means of saying he's sorry? Crow, meet Linda. Equally, her uncertainty when Sharon dropped by the pub to offer her support and to reiterate that she didn't believe the gossip and to encourage Linda to front it out. Linda needs to remember what Sharon told her about Phil and what Sharon's position regarding Phi actually is.
However, this situation is all about Linda and how she's perceived by the public. The public could care less. That was obvious at the exercise class. Buoyed by support from Sharon and Pam, Linda was fronting it out, until Cora appeared, at the end of the exercise session, and that was like waving a red flag to a bull.
Ian is another one, who's making a murder investigation less about finding Lucy's murderer, than about his own whiffy reputation. In the midst of all this, Ian's worried about Rainie telling the police he was with a prostitute the night Lucy was killed. Shameful, yes, but it gives him an alibi, even if it did mean he lied to the police. So Phil pays her off. He didn't kill her or frighten her, he gave her a wad of money to feed her habit. She'll be back as soon as she runs out of money, but I have a horrible suspicion that Rainie will end up brown bread.
Patrick won't. He's getting better. As Denise says, he'll soon be back to the old Patrick, and that frightens Ian more than anything. Once again, Ian's treating Denise like "the help."
Amusing interval of the night: Max and the flakey Emma Summerhayes, who now knows better than to bonk on duty, and Max sitting alone in the portacabin, drinking whiskey, with the icky white sofa where he bonked Summerhayes prominently in the foreground.
Line of the night is Lee to Max ~ Going out on the pull.
What is the point of Fatboy?
Meh week.
