A Branning in Every Pot: Review 05.03.2013

We witnessed history in tonight's episode. Tonight, for the first time, we saw an iconic character go from the sublime to the ridiculous in the space of less than thirty minutes.

To paraphrase Dickens, it was the best of Sharon, it was the worst of Sharon, in what was one of the poorest written episodes of the year.

The Lola-Lexi storyline has served its purpose. Lola, introduced as a pointless, chav-ridden character, exhibiting the worst characteristics of chav society, light-fingered and lying, mouthy and with rude attitude, has now become the victim she played so cleverly each time she was called up on her bad behaviour.

She loves her baby, that's unquestionable; but she has a defiant and willful attitude against any sort of figure or emblem of authority, she's wantonly aggressive and she has anger issues. Her child will be no better than the entitled, mouthy brats Bianca sends into society and uses every opportunity to blame any authority figure for her children's failure except herself. If Lexi has trouble reading, it will be the school's fault. If Lexi headbuts some other kid in her class, the other kid asked for it. Anyone who's perceived to slight Lexi in any way, will answer to Lola's temper and her fists. Lola was right in one assessment tonight: it's almost inevitable, if she doesn't clean up her act and curb her temper, that Lexi will end up in care one day.

People are seeing this storyline in terms of black and white, when it's more than that. It's more than just Phil wanting Lexi to "replace" Ben. No one can ever replace Ben. Or Louise. On this level, it's more about Phil seeing Lexi as a means of atoning for what went wrong with Ben. Phil lost Ben the first time, figuratively, when he was a baby - when Kathy, especially after Ben's meningitis, totally devoted herself 24/7 to Ben, shutting Phil out completely. At that point, Phil had done nothing wrong. He'd married Kathy and fathered their child, and he was a willing father, kept away from his son by a suddenly over-protective mother. In frustration, he turned to drink and developed an alcohol dependency.

In order to save his marriage, he began attending AA meetings, where he met another recovering alcoholic, Lorna, and they had an affair, which led to the end of his marriage. When Ben was two, Kathy emigrated with him to South Africa. Later, when Phil was heavily involved with Lisa, Kathy wrote him from South Africa, sending him a picture of Ben in a Christmas card, and at the same time, informing him that she was marrying again, and wanted his permission for her new husband to adopt Ben.

Such timing. Such tact.

And that sent Phil spiralling downward in a welter of angst toward Lisa, who - unbeknownst to him, got pregnant. Subsequently, as we know, Phil lost his daughter when Kate aided Lisa in taking her away.

When Ben returned to live with Phil, he was already troubled and psychologically vulnerable. That doesn't exonerate Phil completely for what happened with Ben, but the seeds had already been sewn. Lexi offers Phil the opportunity to begin again with a child who isn't going to be taken away from him and whom he can raise in order to prove to himself that he can do well by a child of his.

That still doesn't excuse the way he's been treating Lola, but - as well - I can see why he doesn't trust her with Lexi. Lola is young and she is stupid. She lives with Billy, and he's not the brightest lightbulb in the pack.

When she arrived in Walford, every time she behaved inappropriately - being mouthy to Ian Beale, nicking stuff etc, Billy praised her for "being a real Mitchell." When Lucy sacked her from the chippie, she broke in, stole the chip fat oil and vandalised Max Branning's office and forecourt because he asked her not to sit on the cars. Lucy called the police, and when she was arrested, Billy's plaintive whine was that this wasn't fair, it wasn't her fault, she was only fifteen, she was pregnant, she'd been in care yadda yadda.

Lola has become another victim. Even today, even now that Trish Barnes has softened her tone and shown herself to be more on Lola's side, even complimenting her progress and encouraging her, Lola displays nothing but rude, aggressive attitude toward her. I can understand her despairing behaviour at the court in view of the shock of Phil actually telling the truth, but this is not the sort of behaviour that impresses judges and people in authority. If Lola behaves this way in public, it tells the relevant children's legal authorities and social services that she has anger issues, and isn't yet mature enough to handle a small child. The fact, too, that her support system - with Billy - isn't exactly up to par is another thing.

Billy stole from his friend and employer in order to provide Lola with the finest of baby items. He's lucky Janine didn't press charges. Instead of taking Lexi to the local GP for her nappy rash, where she would have been able to get cream for free, again, they stole from Janine. Billy is unemployed. One wonders how they afford the rent on that flat, or are they still squatting?

On another level, the storyline is, most obviously, a vehicle to enhance and further the renewal of  Phil's and Sharon's twenty-year on-again-off-again romance. So it's a massive plot device. How's that? A plot as a plot device.

And please ... shut up about Dennis Rickman. You know who knows about Phil's words with Dennis? I'll tell you.

Dennis (dead). Jonnie Allen (dead). Danny Moon (dead). Peggy (gone). Grant (gone). And Phil, who actually wanted to tell Sharon about what he'd said, but was discouraged in doing so by Peggy. For anyone who thinks Jack Walking-Wooden-Penis Branning is omniscient enough to know about that situation, then you're buying into what would probably be one of the biggest retcons of all time.

Fat Barbie or Rag Doll.

How Sharon went from this:-

To this:-

I think the second video sums her up nicely:-

I'm a bimbo girl
In a plastic world

Yes, that's Sharon, who went from Old Sharon to Bimbo Sharon in the space of 30 minutes. And that's down to Terminal Jack.

From the end of Lola's outburst at the court, with Sharon's reaction to Phil's telling the truth selectively for his own advantage, what we saw was old Sharon - the Sharon the Mitchells respected, the Sharon who didn't fear them or anyone else, but who stood up for what was right and just. In light of this, her telling Phil that he disgusted her was totally in character. 

When she went back to Jack's flat and she objected to his controlling treatment of her, likening herself to a rag doll, pointing out his bizarre, controlling behaviour and asserting her right to do what was right for her and her own and asserting her interest in Lola as a person, once again, the writer was digging deep and giving us old Sharon.

But Sharon doesn't know Jack. As much as she says she walked into their relationship with her eyes wide open, she didn't; and many long-term viewers, especially those who know Sharon from the 90s or even the 80s, know that Sharon doesn't do one night stands, they know that Sharon doesn't sleep with a man in order to get a roof over her head. They know that Sharon doesn't do provocative banter with strangers, however attractive they might be. So Sharon's behaviour with Jack was incongruous to her character, just as their attraction was totally incongruous.

Sharon reckons Jack is like her "ex, " and that "ex" is assumed to be Phil, but there were so many - Duncan, Simon Wicks, Grant, Phil, fat Ross and Fireman Tom, and Saint Dennis. To which ex does she refer? She reckons to equate Jack with Phil, when Jack is more like some of the pejorative qualities Grant (1990s Grant) exhibited than anything Phil was. Jack is controlling in a way that Grant was as well, conniving like Grant (always thinking he knew what was best for Sharon) and Grant was a pretty dab hand at playing up the poor-pitiful-me routine. Like Grant, Jack's an ex-uniform guy. Grant was army, Jack Old Bill.

One thing Phil never tried to do was control Sharon, or manipulate her the way Jack has. If anything, Phil, during her last tenure on the show, respected her. In fact, Peggy apart, Pat Evans and Sharon were probably the only two women for whom Phil Mitchell had complete and utter respect. Sharon asks that of Jack, five minutes after Jack seemingly relents and allows her to visit Lola. 

Allows.

She's not there five minutes before he's ringing her phone, wanting to know where she is. He still doesn't trust her.

And then we have the tedious angry sex routine as well. When two people start slinging valid home truths at one another, the obvious diversion is to have an anger fuck and that will make everyone feel better. The sight of Jack lolling on the couch with his belt undone and Sharon with something blowsy, floral and frilly thrown over her was quite sickening and insulting.

Because all of a sudden, Sharon's gone from old, strong Sharon to simpering Bimbo Sharon, the one who nestles up against Jack's purposely exposed hairy chest and coos and simpers, and says nothing when Jack demands, not asks, demands total commitment and then lowers the ultimatum that if Sharon is committed to him, she must break with Phil entirely.

Observation: Jack spoke about the Ice Queen tonight, and Sharon, uncharacteristically, is jealous. Jack says Ronnie couldn't be happy because there was something dark about her. Yet, this is the woman with whom he was prepared to run away with rather than have her face prison. Jack loved Ronnie even after she carried out the worst possible deception on him. He should realise by now that Ronnie was obsessed with him and having a baby. And Sharon should realise that she's the rebound from Ronnie divorcing him because she's the closest thing to a blonde Mitchell there is around at this time.

Jack wants to be a family with Sharon and Denny? Last week, he included Amy in that equation, but she seems to be conveniently forgotten along with Jack's other two children in France and Portugal whom he never sees and never references. Tell me, does Sharon know that one of Jack's children's mothers is Sam Mitchell, Phil's sister and her own former sister-in-law? I don't think so.

You know, if Glenda had stuck around, Jack would have fucked her; and if Sharon hadn't returned, he'd have scraped the bottom of the (faux) Mitchell barrel and settled for Shirley.

Another Observation: There's no disguising the fact that Letitia Dean has put on a hefty amount of weight. Not even the colour black can help her now, but the full-length flowing coat she wore tonight didn't do her any favours and made her look like a balloon. The hair was right, however.

Oh Denise Dooby-Doo

Ian's latest song. (Wonder if he sings this under his breath on the stall)?

So now we know that Patrick's storyline, a relevant one of the difficulty of caring for an elderly relative, is really a - yes - plot device in the development of Ian's and Denise's slow-burning love affair. This week, they're friends; next week, they kiss. Well, at least unfunny Kim has now elevated Ian to the position of "nice prat".

The Wrath of Dot

Another "Oh Grandma" elderly storyline, with Dot's obsessive concern about items missing from her home worrying Poppy and Fatboy about maybe perhaps Dot, you know, losing it because of her age. Mind you, Dot's sharper than Poppy will ever be.in her prime, but I suppose it is a genuine concern - especially since Dot's convinced that Cora's the culprit and has made a copy of her key. The clue is with Fatboy, who's got his own key from a copy made by Poppy.

This is a filler storyline which, eventually, is supposed to be funny and gives us the worst of June Brown, in unfunny, head-bobbing, cartoon mode.

(Jeez, as a Southerner, I'm bloody glad the Yankees didn't look and act like this.)

This is Billy's song, however.

Let's remember a few things about Billy Mitchell as he trots off to make Phil Mitchell listen (because Sharon couldn't make Phil listen today because she had to go home and fuck Jack):-

• Billy was an abused child who grew up to be an abuser (his nephew Jamie).
• Billy was an ex-drug pusher, who hooked Steve Owen and who caused Beppe di Marco to have a heart attack.
• Billy is the runt of the Mitchell litter.
• Billy's inaction and inability to deal with a potential eviction situation made his family - Honey and their two small children - homeless at Christmas. Peggy had to take them in.
• This happened after Billy had stolen money from Peggy's charity box.
• Billy stole extensively from Janine's credit card, abusing his position of trust.
• Billy was stealing money from the post (a storyline which was inexplicably dropped after Billy found a horde of cannibis in the post - the inference being that Billy was going to go back to dealing drugs.)

And, most importantly of all, it was Billy who suggested that he and Lola go to Phil for help when Social Services took Lexi into care. They decided to disclose Lexi's paternity to Phil, which was all Phil needed to embark on his warped journey of atonement.

Having said all that, Billy talked a good talk and made many valid points, but - because this was Billy - Phil didn't listen. His mind was made up. Basically, I think his prejudice towards Lola stems from the fact that she's from Billy's branch of the Mitchells - the runts of the litter, the ones who couldn't cope and who resorted to dumping their children in care. Lola screams Billydom and Loserville, and that's why Phil's determined to keep his grandchild.

Awfully written storyline.

Another meh episode. Is anything ever going to happen again in Walford?

MyAlice: Don't Mess with the Queen of the Night

People's inability to think critically constantly amazes me.

Take, for example, the situation with Michael Moon and MyAlice, the dimwitted daughter of a man who consistently tortured Michael from the time he was a child.

This is not a mutual attraction.

People are forgetting that Michael Moon is a manipulator of vulnerable people. He's done this to Katshit, he's done it to Jean and now he's doing it to MyAlice.

Bluntly put, he knows how naive and stupid she is, and he's preying on her good nature, encouraging her to wear Janine's clothing, giving her pretty little compliments, feeding her ego, before shitting all over her in the end.

The best that could happen is that he takes her virginity and then leaves her cold, after months of not paying her wages (because he's skint). The worst that could happen is when the Queen of the Night, herself, returns next month to find this Branning lass attached at the hip to her husband and taking care of her baby.

Expect to see Michael Moon stand by passively as Janine bitch-slaps MyAlice all around the Square. His only retort to Alice would be to raise his eyebrows and remind her that he is a married man.

The Shallow End of the Market

Just to summarise what to what kind of viewer TPTB are pandering at the moment, a shallow little soul on Digital Spy named klendathu (go figure) has this to say about the current crop of younger actresses on the show:-

So to summarise EE is jam packed full of gorgeous actresses 
Alice, Poppy,Lauren , Lola,Lucy,Whitney we live in good times 

Yep, he's correct. The show is currently chokka with perma-tanned, silky smooth, round-arsed, superslim, blow-dried, perfectly coiffed, false eyelashed, boob-enhanced sweet young actresses.

It's such a shame none of them can act.

Such a sad turn of pass when one realises that such people as Susan Tully, Natalie Cassidy and Belinda Owusu would have no place at all in EastEnders today, except as comedic or pathetically sad characters for whom we would be expected to feel sorry.

I shall say it again, Brookside went down the slippery slope when it started emphasising tits and arse over talent, and I most certainly smell the stench of Brookside about this show. 

Branning Brigade: Bye Bye Baby - Review 04.03.2013

This is the beginning of LolaWeek, and the Brannings are still skulking around. Looks like it's cold in Walford. Have you ever noticed that when it's cold, so cold that the women of Walford need to wear gloves, they always swan about in the cold with gloves on their hands, their coats open and their tits virtually hanging out. Maybe Katshit and Tanya ought to invest in nipple warmers...

Sheepskin Nipple Warmers for Tanya

Possum Fur Nipple Warmers for Katshit

Well, what were you execting? Mink? This is the skag-end of the market, remember?

This is supposed to be the week where we finally see resolution to Lexigate, but it seems the Brannings are pervading every aspect of the storyline and other storylines as well.

Here's a song for Lola ... or maybe Phil ... or even Alfie to sing to Roxy ...

Brannings to the Left of Us: Silly Billy, Lola, Miss Piggy and Big Bad Phil

Billy's back. Are we all pleased? We haven't seen Billy since the week before Chistmas, and I'll bet we probably won't see much of him in the aftermath of this, but it's nice to know Perry Fenwick hasn't been surreptitiously axed and demoted to "recurring character." Oh wait ... maybe he has. Who knows?

Billy is still giving skewed advice to an even more skewed Lola, showing us just how ... well, skewed ... his moral values have become. Who remembers when Lola first came to live with Billy? How she stole from local traders, rammed a car through Ian Beale's chippy window and blamed Fatboy (and got a job in the bargain), how she stole from Roxy at the salon, how she was rude and inveterately aggressive, only to be told proudly by Billy how much of a true Mitchell she was?

Well, now, after learning the hard way that you can's lip up to authority and live by your own rules, after being made to see you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, and after Lola's made such positive progress in minding her temper and in behaving in a more mature and responsible manner, Billy tells her to be a rude, gobby mare in order to make people sit up, take notice and listen to her.

Yeah, sure, Billy. And how long has it been since you've seen William and Janet? It's no wonder, with behavioural advice like that, that Honey keeps them close by her side.

Note the new toned-down Trish Barnes too, after the abysmal portrayal of a social worker which  the writing room forced on us earlier; but note also, that stubborn, recalcitrant Lola gobs off, yet again, at her and Billy and runs off. OK, we get it. She's nervous, but these are people who are trying to help her and she goes out of her way to alienate them. Trish is right. Lola's biggest enemy is her temper. And the fact that she's easily distracted.

I'm not the biggest Lola fan. In fact, I dislike the character immensely, and hate the obvious spin job TPTB have done on the character, positively begging the public to forget all her previous rude and inappropriate behaviour, and pull for her now that she's a mother. Sorry, but being a mother doesn't automatically excuse rude behaviour. Still, I find the actress infinitely more watchable than Lorna Fitzgerald or Jacqueline Poor-Man's-Jennifer-Lawrence-Without-the-Talent Jossa.

Meanwhile, Phil and Sharon are preparing for court as well. Note the new toned-down Sharon - understated hairstyle, nicely-styled black ensemble, subtle make-up. She looked nice, and her lines and behaviour around Phil were much, much more natural than the forced and frantic attitude she assumes around Jack.

Speaking of which ... here comes the Brannings to the Left of us. Jack is sitting morosely on a bench, feeling sorry for himself. Tanya, the Yummy Mummy, who's supposed to be taking DamienDen to school, saunters upon him, hands gloved against the cold, coat open to reveal her cleavage. Tanya witness Jack witnessing Sharon give Phil a peck on the cheek. So Tanya takes Jack, with whom she used to sleep and with whom she spent a godawfully obnoxious year tormenting, bullying and humiating Max, home for some manual labour and her version of good advice. 

Advice from a slut like Tanya is like expecting Cardinal O'Brien of Scotland not to diddle priests: pretty shitty.

Tanya reckons Jack and Sharon have "something worth fighting for" or rather somefink worf fi'ghing fer.

What? Sex with a stranger? More sex for a roof over her head,and sex to ensure her son has a bed to sleep in whilst Mummy gets down and dirty with Joker Jack on the sofa nightly? What does Jack really know about Sharon or her past? Precious little. Now we're witnessing poor, pitiful Jack the Victim - Brannings are always victims - even having Big Bad Phil give a little smirk as he passed him in the street after giving Sharon a peck on the cheek.

Because that Phil ... well, he's a scumbag, you know. Not ...

Here are Max, Jack and Joey Branning singing a song about Phil:-

(That's Jack and Joey under the bed, by the way).

Phil wants Lexi. But she's not a replacement for Ben, she's an atonement for Ben. He's wary of Lola, because she's young, she's foolish and - well, she has Billy for a grandfather. She's the runt's prodigy, and she's learned nothing from Billy, who encouraged her in her stealing and petty criminal activity, excused it because she was young, or in care, or pregnant or all three, and even stole, himself, to maintain her. Janine is supposed to be Billy's friend and looked out for him and Lola, yet he repays her by stealing via her credit card.

Phil's upper hand in Lola's situation is knowing exactly what buttons to push to make her react adversely. When she puts a foot wrong, she comes kicking at his door. Noted. When she's supposed to be caring for Lola, she's spending time gossiping with silly Abi. Noted. She shows up out of the blue, making demands and shouting the odds. Noted again. All noted down and relayed to the officiating authority.

This is not unjust. This is just fucking fiction. A means to an end in a story poorly written and researched; but it's the deus ex machina that moves Sharon on from BrannigVille back where she belongs: with Phil.

Observation: Is Poppy fulfilling the role of the wise fool whose simplistic reasonings offer a calming effect and wise counsel? Nah, that's too deep for this writing room.

Brannings to the Right of Us: The Wrath of Dot Be Sore Afraid.

Dot's having a spring clean of the tat Cora the Bora left, when Fatboy comes to call, bringing with him a brown envelope addressed to Dot from Walford Council.

Oo-err. That would be about their investigation into the spot of bother in which Cora the Bora, the drunken and hypocritcal old sodden lag, left her.

Dot hides the offending letter, unopened, in a drawer full of other unpleasant letters. All unopened.

Brannings to the Front of Us: Patrick's Very Good Year.

Here's a song Patrick might like:-

Patrick is smarting from his injuries and his pride being dented by being incapacitated in a wheelchair with a broken leg and arm. Denise is smarting from being accidentally thrown across the room by Patrick. For all the blood from her cheek on Friday, she's healed remarkably well. Patrick's feeling sorry for himself and also feeling ashamed of how he treated Denise. He's also coming to terms with the fact that he's now an elderly man, even though he has the mind and attitude of a young man, when he's ill, he'll take longer to get well; and when he's injured, he'll take longer to heal. 

His carer means well, but Patrick takes umbrage to a foreign carer, who's command of English reminds him that he's an old man.

Step up to the plate, Max Branning - experts in all things important to elderly men who like a flutter at the bookies and a bit too much of the amber nectar. Max makes Patrick sort it with Denise, and the result is Denise and Kim are going to try to care for him, on their own and in their own way.

Ooo-err, as Dot would say.

Brannings Up the Rear of Us: The Queen of the Night Riseth on the Horizon.

Katshit wants the rent she's owed by MyAlice, who's working for Michael Moon, Prince of Darkness, for IOU's (to the amount of £250). In addition to the income from the stall, such as it is, Kat must be garnering the income from the rent being paid by Joey and Alice - neither of which have any dough.

I don't get why Katshit came knocking on Michael's door, looking for Alice when Alice told her she would ask MIchael for her wages. Instead, Michael, prior to something the Kat drug in showing up, tells MyAlice to take Janine's frocks and flog them. And take one for herself. (I thought she picked an appalling frock, by the way; but horny Michael seemed to be impressed. Now see where the manipulation is going? MyAlice is too snowed by what seems to be his appreciation of the way she looks (how dare he say Janine looked "fat" in that awful dress, considering most of the time he was with Janine, she was "fat" from being pregnant with his baby?). But the way MyAlice slithered down those stairs and handed Kat her arse about the rent was a priceless sight.

An even more priceless sight was a picture of Michael and the Queen of the Night on their wedding day, as a precursor to the fact that the lady, herself, returns next month. I can't wait for her to find that insipid little twit, MyAlice, swanning around the Square in her clothes, having been fucked by her husband, whilst babysitting her daughter.

MyAlice, meet a bitchslap from the Queen of the Night ...

Bring it on.

Meh episode.

The Toast Formerly Known as Shirley

Scrabbler's started a thread on Digital Spy fora wondering whether or not Shirley should leave. The poll stands virtually evenly divided, but I'm cynic enough to think that various people opened multiple accounts to try to convince the public of Shirley's relevance, when the character becomes more irrelevant with each day that passes.

Someone reminded me recently that Shirley survived as a stand-alone independent character when she first arrived. This is true, but when she showed up in Walford, her purpose was to re-connect with the children she abandoned when they were small. Her ex-husband lived in Walford. She worked in the pub, so she interacted with and got to know the locals. Shortly thereafter, her friend Heather showed up. She had a romance - first with a Polish builder, then with Vinnie Monks.

But all this has disappeared now. Her children have gone, and according to Lorraine Newman, there are no plans for either Kellie Shirley (Carly) or Matt di Angelo (Dean) to return, although scores of people (myself included) would love to see Dean Wicks back on the Square. Kevin is dead. So is Heather. In the aftermath of Vinnie's departure, since 2009, Shirley devoted herself entirely to Phil, and now that's destroyed too.

I'll be the first to admit, I'd love to see Shirley's children return to the Square. We've never seen her as a mother, and I'm sorry to dispel the horny old troll ...

who's pushing the meme that Shirley abandoned her children "for their betterment," recognising that she wasn't maternally inclined in the slightest; but that's a load of steaming horseshit.

Shirley left her kids because she was bored and selfish. She as good as admitted this to Carly last year - that she got pissed off at having to spend so much time with three small children, one of whom had special needs and as - in her words - clingy. She skipped off to party down the 80s with Heather, a sweet, malleable and simple-minded friend who was terminally locked in a fantasy adolescence. Shirley couldn't mother her own children, so she spent the rest of her life mothering Heather - except she recognised that Heather was an adult, which meant that whenever Shirl got the sniff of a man, she could swan off and leave Heather to wallow in it without compunction.

Still, she never returned to her children's lives until after they were adults, never returned when she heard her oldest had died. She left her husband to do the heavy work of bringing them up on his own - with two of them not even his own children; and she expected to be welcomed back into the family fold.

Shirley also encouraged the worst aspects of Phil's personality. Plainly put, she loved Phil, but he tolerated her. He was her key to power and influence, and to him, she was just a warm and willing body. She wasn't even his type. Knowing that Phil was a recovering alcoholic, when he fell off the wagon and slept with her the first time, she drank with and kept him drunk in order to further the relationship. When Phil sobered up, the only way he ended up in a relationship with Shirley was down to her contrived lie to Social Services to make them think she and Phil were engaged so Phil could get temporary custody of Louise, his daughter. After that, Shirley was just a housekeeper whom his son favoured and who slept with the boss. Phil was unfaithful to her and couldn't promise subsequent fidelity, even though they had somehow managed to get engaged. 

After all of that, he chose to protect his son, who murdered Shirley's best friend. Even when Shirley discovered this, she still didn't shop Phil to the police for his part in the cover-up. Now that was a big betrayal of Heather.

There isn't even a reason for Shirley to stick around to tell Roxy about Phil scamming her last £25k - money Shirley helped to spend as well - because Phil planted £25k on Glenda and made Roxy believe her mum had scammed her money. So Roxy got the money Phil and Shirley stole returned to her, at her mother's expense.

Felixrex, on Digital Spy soaps forum, is correct in assessing that Shirley isn't being developed as a character because the current crop of writers are concentrating on their select favourites - reuniting Alfie and Kat (a year-long process), ensuring that Tanya and Jack (both Brannings) have sufficiently long and drawn-out leaving lines, making certain that Max and Kirsty go round and round in circles and "entertaining" us with that Alpha couple, Joey and Lauren.

I agree with what another poster said - we're being force-fed Bianca and Kat at the expense of Shirley, who has nothing and no one to redeem her, except a pithy job at a fast food joint. She's been relegated to a second-rate chorus figure who pops up here and there either to give sage advice in a one-off situation - to Kat about how win back a husband on whom she's cheated repeatedly (like Shirley really succeeded in that one in her situation) and parenting advice to Bianca regarding Liam's situation (because Shirley was such a great parent, right?). Otherwise, she's baiting Jack to kill Phil, something she's too cowardly to do, herself, basically because she's hating on herself for still loving Phil above everything else in her life. Why else would she have returned to Walford, leaving her daughter and grandson, for a place that harbours nothing but bad memories?

Felixrex is dead-on in his reckoning that Shirley is being abandoned to a background status by lazy writers. I'd also call them shallow, because in the world of beauty and hotness that EastEnders has become these days, Shirley simply isn't interesting because she's not pretty enough. Just like Phil and Max are often dissed, even when they are in the right as opposed to others because they are bald and ordinary.

Phil Hatred

There seems to be an epidemic of Phil hatred about at the moment, both at Walford Web Kindergarten (Home of the Bullybois John Swallow couldn't hope to control) and now on Digital Spy, where this thread has been started, asking how we'd like to see Phil "get his comeuppance."

The original poster confidently states that Phil's nothing less than a scumbag - "always has been and always will be."

Except that that's not particularly true.

Add to the fact that Walford Web Bullyboi Academy Kindergarten has Den, who seems to have somewhat of a pathological hatred of Phil which borders on the obscene.

Here's a fact: It goes without saying that Phil Mitchell is probably the most multi-faceted and nuanced character on EastEnders. Other similar characters, at the moment, are Janine and Max Branning. Max is actually the last really complex character to be introduced. Everyone else - Ian Beale and Dot apart - are pretty much two-dimensional, and that includes Sharon in her current incarnation.

EastEnders is suffering from a generation gap at the moment, and anyone subscribing to the fallacy that Phil Mitchell is "Philth" or Janine is Evil Janine, most certainly haven't watched the show prior to 2000, and if they have, they either weren't paying attentionor were brain-dead.

Phil's personality began to change post-1999, after Grant left. During the 90s, Phil was the more cerebral brother, as opposed to Grant, who swung first and was remorseful later. Phil was truly his brother's keeper, keeping his violent tendencies in check. Grant would act without thinking and often resorted to violence; Phil thought first, figured out a solution that didn't involve swinging fists and baseball bats and only used violence in the last resort.

Yes, Phil slept with Sharon, his brother's wife, who was actually being physically abused at that time by a man, who was not only brought up by an abusive father, but also was suffering from PTSD from having served at Goose Green in the Falklands War. Phil used to sit up with Grant during his nightmares about his ordeal - that was referenced early on in Sharon's association with the brothers, when she lived in the flat next door to theirs and heard Grant's tantrums during the night. Sharon, herself, said she was attracted to Phil because he was like the nicer side of Grant.

Phil stopped Grant from involving Arthur Fowler in a forged MOT certificate scheme; in fact, Phil stopped it altogether. When Michelle went in search for Arthur after Pauline chucked him out, it was Phil who helped her and took up for her during a dodgy session in an unfamiliar pub.

Phil paid for Dot's and Jim's honeymoon. Phil provided Sonia with a laptop for her college studies and looked after her in the wake of Jamie's death (and Sonia repaid him by going to the police - read Marsden in her first appearance - with suspicions about Phil having killed Lisa). And in one of Sonia's last appearances in 2010, she stripped naked and waited for Phil in his bedroom, only to have him sensibly reject her advances.

Think it's unrealistic that the likes of Sharon, Kathy, Mel, Lisa, Kate, Dawn etc have fallen into bed with Phil? Think it totally unlikely because he's podgy, bald and wheezy? Cop this: you don't have to look like George Clooney to be good in bed. I recall when Chelsea Fox, an attractive girl too much in love with herself, was appalled that her boyfriend Sean Slater dumped her unceremoniously for her plainer stepsister, Carly Wicks. Sean's taunt to Chelsea was that at least Carly did something more than just lie there expecting to be pleasured.

Another charge levelled at Phil is that he "ruined" Ben, and I'm sure Phil feels responsible for Ben's ultimate end; but Ben was disturbed when he arrived on Albert Square, and we've never understood what happened in South Africa. Before Phil began to exude any sort of adverse influence over Ben, Ben had already beaten Freddie Mitchell, an infant, for pulling his hearing aid and was more than content that Little Mo should be prosecuted for child abuse, before coming clean.

Here are some other "stranger-than-truths" which are actual facts about Phil, which people refuse to believe:-

• Phil Mitchell has no criminal record. Yes, he's been arrested, charged and even held on remand; but in every instance, the charges against him have been dropped. Ben's accusation of his having murdered Stella, which was a retconned device, because in the aftermath of Stella's death, Phil actually believed that he did push her. It was actually the Old Bill who told him otherwise. Cop this scene with Ben in the wake of Stella's abuse:-

And Phil actually believed that he'd killed Stella, himself, and confessed to it, in front of a packed pub (mostly with people who aren't in the show anymore).

(In case you've forgotten, the bizzies showed Phil CCTV footage of Stella jumping, thus proving Phil's innocence). Den's set-up of Phil's armed robbery was quashed and Phil was released from prison, without charge, as he was when Ben tried to set him up.

• Phil Mitchell has never killed anyone ... knowingly. People keep calling him a murderer for the death of the homeless kid in the car lot fire. Firstly, Phil was extremely reluctant to undertake this venture, which was to be done as an insurance scam to help a cash-strapped Frank Butcher. As a matter of fact, have a look at the actual episode leading up the car lot fire, when Phil was nice, Sharon and Grant were married, David and Ian were on the stall, Mark was still miserable and Pat and a very young Carol were at loggerheads, and Bianca was a teenager.

• Phil Mitchell did nothing - repeat nothing - illegal regarding Dennis Rickman's death. The only thing he did was tell Dennis what Jonnie Allen had said and done to Sharon. A betrayal of trust? Yes, in that Sharon had asked him not to tell Dennis; but hardly illegal. And Dennis was master of his own fate. He, and he alone, decided to react the way he did to Jonnie's action, and he was stupid enough to throw Jonnie the lifeline of a mobile phone, and his fate was sealed. The awful truth for Shannis fans was that Sharon was the more mature, the more responsible and the more intelligent of the Shannis pairing and acted as much like a mother as a lover for Dennis. They way she speaks to Denny is very reminiscent of the way she spoke to Dennis. If Dennis had lived, they would never have lasted as a couple. They were hardly equals. So, shut up, saying Phil committed a crime regarding Dennis's death. He simply didn't.

Finally, for all of you Luddites scratching your heads about the purported lack of chemistry between Phil and Sharon, blame the current crop of piss-assed and lazy writers. Here's the famouse two-header between Phil and Sharon from 2002, the last good year of the soap before it entered into its decade of decline. Everything about this episode is pitch perfect, especially the way Phil and Sharon are written and the obvious chemistry exuding from the pair.

Notice the writer? Tony Jordan. All the difference in the world, and Phil and Sharon would be the go-to couple again.

I know this won't convince most numpties set in their ways about wanting to hate Phil and thinking he's always been the scum of the earth. The truth is, he hasn't; but why change the machinations of a narrow mind. At least you got some examples (which may be before your time) of when EastEnders was genuinely good.

Branning Infestation: Men in Drag - Review 01.03.2013

Who remembers when the biggest retcon EastEnders ever did was make Ian Beale, who was formerly younger, older than Sharon?

Now "retcon" is a way of life in EastEnders. Sharon returns, she's been there since August - she's been there almost six months, and still the names "Michelle" and "Vicky" have yet to leave her lips. She didn't even remark on Pauline's death, and Pat's death got the barest of shoulder shrugs. She calls Tanya, a woman she formerly wouldn't think twice about wiping her shoe on, her "best mate." She sleeps with Jack, a man she hasn't known an hour, on her first night back in Walford. Within weeks, she's moved in with him - this is something Sharon, a deliberate, calculating and discerning character, would never do. Although she bakes a cake on Dennis's birthday, the anniversary of his death passes without her mentioning his name. She uses Ian as an unpaid babysitter, she was non-plussed at seeing Dot again.

Who is this woman? She is almost dichotomous. Sucked into the Branning vortex, she assumes their characteristics of shallowness, selfishness, hypocrisy and utter, aggressive bitchiness. Only when she associates with Phil Mitchell does she approximate the character of Sharon that we know, but even then, the writing for her is so stilted that she and Phil seem like inanimate stick figures, puppets on a string in a drama catered for the lower end of the juvenile spectrum and pie-eyed shippers who wouldn't admit how far EastEnders has fallen, did it end up falling into the ubiquitous vat of steaming shit, which is where it's heading at the moment.

As for the perpetrator of all this, Lorraine Newman, she's being given an easy ride, considering the state in which the show was left by Bryan Kirkwood; but she signs off on the wonky characterisation given Sharon, the bad writing, the awful continuity and the perpetual retconning. As Series Producer, she signed off on the ruination of Kat's character, the emergence of Bianca as a feckless chav, and Bimbo Sharon.

One awaits, in dubiious trepidation, the return of Janine.

Tonight was a Branning-centric episode. It seems to be an unspoken truth that at least one episode per week should feature what has easily become one of the most unpopular families ever to be forced down the throats of viewers. Thus the week began with a Branning gathering, and thus it ended. It goes without saying that Thursday's episode was the best of a bad lot, because it featured the least number of Brannings.

He's Just a Jealous Guy.

They say John Lennon wrote this song for Yoko after he smacked the shit out of her for talking with someone whom he thought was chatting her up. He did the same thing with his first wife too. Hey, he was just a jealous guy, you know.

So is Jack Branning.

He was feeling insecure.
She might not love him anymore.

Well, I'm not at all surprised, because he's acted like a fucking pillock, and if Sharon can't see that, after the way he's behaved this week, after the way he's lied and shifted the blame onto Phil (he lashed out against Phil in self-defence) and even Sharon, herself (she made him do it by wanting to take Phil's free 19% share in the R and R).

Phil's decision not to press charges against Jack the Peg, exonerates Sharon from leaving her sugar daddy, and she's still with the prick - cosying up and cooing, the hair back to its flowing, big bouffant cheapness, and looking even more like she should be in a production of Hairspray rather than EastEnders.

Jack still isn't keen on her taking up a share in the club, even though she explains to him, and subsequently to her new BFF, Tanya, that this manoeuvre is more to ensure her son's financial future than anything else, and this is good business, to provide for her child - which is more than Jack does for his various sperm droppings inhabiting three different countries in total.

Jack is not only desperate, he's duplitious - listening to a voicemail left for Sharon by Phil's solicitor overseeing the share transfer and then deciding to hide her passport in the most puerile of gestures. Jack Branning, Mr Control, who treats his "women" as his own personal property. He even lies about it when caught in the act.

This should clearly wake up Bimbo Sharon to what she used to be. She stood up to worse from Grant and survived. Her independence was such, at one point, after her marriage to her brother Saint Dennis, that he resorted to acting like the latent adolescent he was and took to skulking in the depths of the bookies, which she should now own, but has subsequently forgotten about as she's forgotten about all her previous life in Walford.

Jack is just a walking penis, and who can find such a pillock attractive. This is the same Jack who beat the shit out of Max and told him he'd never see his children again. This is the Jack who hauled Roxy out in the middle of the night and left her in the middle of nowhere because she'd witnessed him being unfaithful to Ronnie with his ex.

Jack is not a nice person, and Bimbo Sharon is better off without him. Besides, since when is Jack Branning attracted to a man in drag?

Girls Talk

Now let's get this straight. Sharon's supposed to be looking after Lexie and picking Phil up from hospital later, remember? So, Sharon asks Lola, Lexie's chavmother, to watch the baby whilst Sharon puts herself first and flounces off to have a coffee with Tanya, who doesn't appear ever to work at the salon. After all, it runs itself, just like every other business in Walford.

There are some things you can't cover up with lipstick and powder ...

Like Tanya's hypocrisy in judging and disdaining Sharon's acceptance of Phil's offer of a share in the club. Not that Tanya would ever do anything like that, and for no strings ... Nope. Tanya sleeps with a man, based on what that man can financially and materialistically achieve for her.

If Tanya hadn't met Max by chance - and, no, Luddites, Tanya never babysat Bradley, she was Max's hairdresser when he had hair - if she hadn't met and got up the duff by Max, she'd still be some kappaslappa hairdresser, giving blue rinses to old ladies and living on a council estate someplace, married to some no-mark who kept a meth lab in her kitchen, and she'd be a grandmother by now. (Hold that thought, something's on the rise).

Max got her off the estate and scrubbed her up into a middle class approximation. Jack was going to buy her a villa in France. Greg had a fat wallet and was gormless enough to buy her whatever she wanted. This is the truth: Tanya disdains Sharon taking a free stake in the club, even though she points out (and I do believe this bit is genuine) that this is for her son's sake more than anything else. Sharon is in her mid-forties and doesn't own a pot to piss in - ne'mind, she has the roof over her head provided by her sleeping with Jack. Maybe she's moving away from the bimbo mindless prostitute phase and looking to establish something of her own, which she can pass onto her child. Of course, for Jack the Peg, this signifies independence, and Jack likes his women to be totally dependent on him, even to the point of obsession (Ronnie). 

As for Tanya, she'd never once even think of a legacy for her kids. She's the very embodiment of Branning selfishness - or should I say Branning/Cross selfishness. But she's never achieved anything except off the back (or the dick) of a man.

The ironic part about her looking down her nose at Sharon's association with Phil Mitchell and her appalled horror that lumpy old Phil would even ask Sharon to sleep with him, much less that she would even contemplate it, is that within the next few episodes, Tanya's going to find herself in a compromising position with Mr Potato-Head, herself, the slut.

There are some things you can't cover up with lipstick and powder ...

Line of the night:-

Abi: We made love.

Shut up. You fucked. That's all, and the fact that you didn't make any kind of comment when Lola, who is

 sixteen going on forty-eight and who's probably had more men than Dot's had fags,  remarked how unrealistic romance in the movies was, where lovers never ever used condoms. Newsflash: They don't use them in Walford either, and someplace down the line, silly Abi is going to run crying to Daddy Max because she's pregnant and she doesn't know what to doooooooooooo ...

Abi's either lying or she didn't go as far with Jay as she thinks, because very few times, especially when it's the first time for both the boy and the girl, does the earth move for someone like her.

Please, can she choke on a chip or something; because she's totally unbearable, and this Jabi shit is just shit for the birds. It doesn't even approximate Sonia and Jamie. Yuck.

The gist of this girl talk was Abi and Lola were so absorbed in Abi's verbal essay entitled "How I Popped My Cherry" that they failed to notice Lola had got hold of a biro and was waving it about. Now this could be potentially dangerous, as Phil found out when he unexpectedly returned.

This doesn't mean Lola is an unfit mother, but it does mean that she's very young, very immature and easily distracted, which could result in her child getting harmed. Oh, and the new backstory of Lola always wanting to be a mum and the shelter in the park she used for her dolls ... plot device for next week. Still, it's nice to see her bonding with Sharon.

I'm not the biggest Lola fan. In fact, I hate her, but I find her much more watchable than the silly, insipid "we made lurrrrve" Abi.

The Demise of the Younger Woman.

This is not Masood and Ayesha.

So Ayesha wants Masood to leave with her, and he's seriously thinking about it. But that begs the question: what happens to the house? Masood, if I recall correctly, re-mortgaged the house in order to finance the purchase of the Arjee Bahjee. Does he propose to saddle the ineffectual and workshy Ajay and Tamwar with perpetual mortgage payments they can ill-afford or does he propose to sell the house over their heads and make his son homeless?

I'm glad he got his reality check and saw Ayesha for the selfish, little bitch she was. She wanted  him to go away with her and just dump his former life, forgotten. As much as his attitude towards women reflected the general Ludditish, thinly-veiled misogyny representative in the likes of the Branning Bruvs, Phil Mitchell and Joey Branning, Ajay drove home a point to Mas. 

This is a midlife crisis. If he wanted to, he could set Ayesha up in a bedsit somewhere and she could get a job. She's gone from being coddled and cared for by her father and now she wants the same from Masood, only with some sex in the bargain as well. This is Mas's reaction to Zainab's leaving - although, we must remember even if he doesn't, that it was Mas who asked Zainab to go; but at the end of this venture, he realises that his son is far more important to him than some fickle girl who would lose interest in a middle-aged man within the next couple of years.

Bye bye, Ayesha, and don't come back. Don't let the tube barriers hit your skinny arse on the way out.

The Wrath of Dot and the Old Grey Hag.

Another mini-storyline is brewing with Dot. Something's missing from her house, and Cora proved just what an ungrateful and selfish old bitch she is tonight, with her disparaging remarks about Dot and her home -the home which might be taken from Dot through Cora's negligence.

Dot's silver or pewter ashtray may have been a nicknack the filthy old hag filled with cigarette ash many times, but to Dot, it meant something. It was a gift from someone who died. And Cora's quick to make a pissy remark about Dot's house being a run-down council property, but as Dot said, it's her home, something which Cora doesn't have. In fact, she's been evicted from every property she's had - evicted from her own rundown council flat for anti-social behaviour, kicked out by Dot for wrecking her home, and only welcomed grudgingly by her own daughter.

As for Cora's remark about Dot's smoking, saying Dot was a slave to her addictions, that's rich coming from someone who can't let a day go by without sucking on a bottle of whiskey, as she proved later on in the pub, when she was trying to trashtalk Dot to Denise, and got blanked.

What a horrible old trout! Dot's not the old trout (and I don't even like Dot most days), but Cora's just a drunken old bitch. Matriarch? My arse.

Cora was the second man-in-drag to make an appearance tonight. I would imagine the fact that Cora's stopped smoking would have something to do with Ann Mitchell's emphasyma.

The Beale Brigade

Just two observations:-

1. It's Ian's birthday, and there's nary a mention of that by Sharon? Nor does he even think to invite her to his do - small wonder, considering he's been treated like unpaid help ever since she started sucking Branning arses. Still, you'd think she might make some effort - even a scene of her delivering a card - considering he went to visit her for her fortieth three years ago, although - according to Letitia Dean - that's not possible, because Sharon's been in the UK for four years. Still, at least we got a mention of Michelle and Vicky tonight, even if it is from Ian. Sharon appears not to remember them, which is odd, since Vicky is her sister.

2. The understated introduction of the new Bobby Beale tonight, and it's obvious why Alex Francis was replaced. EastEnders now have a hattrick of stageschool kids to rival the infamous Simon Barlow on Corrie - Tiffany Mitchell, DamienDen and now Bobby Beale. Francis couldn't handle more than one or two lines of dialogue. This kid is either a budding diva who'll rival Tiffany and Denny - or he's a midget ...

Simon Barlow, Denny Rickman and Bobby Beale as you've never seen them ...

Patrick

Tonight, the sublime became the ridiculous. The storyline is realistic in it shows how difficult it is for younger, working family members to care for elderly, disabled relatives when they have to work, themselves. Denise obviously wanted to attend Ian's birthday do, but there was no reason why she couldn't have brought Patrick along, knowing she couldn't depend on Kim, who was God knows where and totally unfunny. He would have liked the company and could have had a drink at the Vic. Instead, we have a totally silly situation of him upending himself and raiding the rum, in the end, not hurting himself, but hurting Denise. Kim rounded out the hattrick of men in drag tonight.

Kim's prototype ...

Yet another Friday episode which should have been a cliffhanger, making us look forward to Monday and instead only ending up being tiresome. Again.