There's a thread on Digital Spy at the moment, started by that ubiquitous Cora-shipper-in-chief, vaslav37, which wonders what the point of Ava and Cora is. In fact, it doesn't take too many replies to establish the thread as posing the question of what, indeed, is the point of Ava, herself? The fabois and cheerleaders hailed Clare Perkins's arrival as one might expect them to look forward to an Academy Award-winning actress joining their ranks. That she had experience was beyond doubt; but she's now been a part of this programme since last autumn, and the only thing we see is Ava the Rava, late Deputy Head teacher at a junior school some fifteen minutes from Walford, no suddenly plopped in what looks curiously like the Community Centre, supervising smart-arse kids and Whitney. When she's not there, she's prowling the streets of Walford at all hours, snarling at her little Cock of a son (another useless character) and using very bad grammar, which wouldn't be tolerated amongst the educated professionals with whom she cohorts. Ava is the ubiquitous Angry Black Woman, complete with cornrows, single parenthood and a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air-duplicate stereotypical black urban yoof son. But what is her point? Her point is that she has no point. Not yet, anyway, because - give her a chance - Lorraine Newman hasn't really had a chance to sit down with Simon PantsAshdown and think of a storyline involving her, much less a character arc and a backstory. Simon's too busy worrying about the diminishing Brannings even to consider a satellite, and Lorraine's busy pasting Kat and Alfie back together. This is the honest truth: Ava was ever only supposed to be a character for five episodes. This was a mini-storyline where Tanya finds her long-lost half-sister, we explore Cora's dilemma at giving birth to a biracial child in the 1960s, she confronts her daughter and is rejected, sadly. Maybe the original storyline was supposed to be a softening device for the brittle, old, drunken crone which Cora the Bora has become; but things changed at the casting session for Ava. Lorraine Newman liked her on sight, cast her - a black, instead of a biracial actress - and immediately declared that Ava would be a permanent character, and she would have a son. OK, great. But what's the purpose? What's her direction? Both of these questions harken back to Kirkwood and his haphazard castings. From him we got the Moon Goons. They served no purpose except to attract silly young girls to their perceived testosterone. Their characters were inconsistent and they had no talent. Ava completes a triumvirate of racially stereotypical women on the show. Denise is the sensible, hard-working, yet suffering black mum, who gets little thanks for her effort. Kim is the silly, black woman with exaggerated sexuality. Ava is the pushy, angry black woman, someone you'd see at the forefront of any protest. Even her son is a racial stereotype. If EastEnders were being truly realistic, Ava's little Cock would be a leading member of Liam's gangabanga, instead of strutting around Walford with munitions haul around his neck. If Ava has any purpose, it's to make the Brannings multi-racial. That leaves the question of her direction. She is supposedly a well-educated, professional in a position of trust in the community ... like Yusef ... like May ... like Stella ... like Lucas. If Lorraine can't find anything warm and cuddly for Ava to do, she'll start wielding an axe.
Evening, peeps ... the Troll Blog is back for a Saturday edition, catching up on the week's reviews. Of course, it's not a Troll Blog ... that's the name Bullyboi Bex has given me, simply because, like her iconic heroine Kathleen Moon, Matron Saint of Stupid Girls, she doesn't like to be called out on her bullying, her hectoring and her intractably narrow mind. I say "her" only giving the benefit of a doubt to the fact that she's the female she purports to be. I believe otherwise; but then, if she really is a female, she's a disgrace to the gender, believing women have the entitlement to behave anyway they want with no modicum of responsibility required - the fault will always by assumed by the man. She and the other Bullyboi of Walford Web, wee willie Will Slater-Mitchell, should just re-define the Book of Morality according to Kat Moon. We'll see what state society would assume then. Like the song says, they're ....
A Bit About Retconning. Christopher Reason should know better. He's been with the show for a significant enough amount of time to remember when the programme actually had a Research and Continuity Department, instead of making up the past to fit the storyline. It has always, only and ever been established that Katshit Slutter Moon slept with The Living Dead once, in a drunken one night stand, and conceived her son. In fact, it was established in 2010, that she had been sent to the Spanish flat of The Living Dead, where the drunken deed occurred and from whence she fled the next day. It was a One. Night. Stand. Fast forward to Janine's wedding day, and the ONS - still a one night stand, mind you - was the blossoming of love, until five minutes later Mr Living Dead simply became the man who knocked her up. Now, let's skip to Christmas, where Mr Living Dead is convincing Alfie to stay with Kat and let her fuck around all she wants - because that's what men should do, right, ladies? Only then, it seemed that the one night stand had grown - like Topsy - to be bigger and bigger and that it lasted all summer and took place in the Moons' flat, in the marital bedroom. For the record, this is how it happened. When Kat returned to Walford in September 2010, she was six months pregnant. If she had been fucking about with Cadaver-Face, all summer, that psycho skag-end piece of shit would have noticed that she was pregnant. Everything uttered at Christmas and in Thursday's episode is a lie. Kat went directly the next day from Dead Man Walking to Martina's, where she stayed until the thugs chasing her caught up with her, and she scarpered. Martina confirmed that in 2011. On film. In the archive.
This is the principal problem with EastEnders nowadays - the fact that the writers are lazy, don't give a fuck and write what they want to fit whatever cack-handed storyline they are given from a storylining team headed by a schoolkid to whom history means nothing. Oh, we'll make a one night stand a summer affair. Nobody will notice. They know that the only people shipping EastEnders at the moment are lowest common denominator tweenies who share a braincell or fruitflies like
... and man-hating bullybois like Bex (the only man she likes is Jack the Joke) and wee Willie Slater-Mitchell, he who wishes to morph into Kat Slutter. In other words, it's become The Children's Hour for people who don't think. And as people who tend to like a programme like EastEnders, often identify with it in some way, there must be a helluva lot of stupid girls around. Katshit. Pretty will-you-fuck-me girl, silly as a lucky girl, Pull my head and suck me, girl ... stupid girl! Maybe if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back, Push up my bra like that ... I don't wanna be a stupid girl! I know there are some female viewers, and many with common sense, who like and are intrigued by Michael Moon. Whilst I think the actor who portrays him does the character justice, I can't stand the character. Tonight, it was made patently obvious that he is a psychopath. He is also a loser, but more of that later. He has no conscience, no compassion and no idea of remorse. He disdains Alfie, and in the entire interaction between him and that skank piece of shit thrown from the Vic the night before, there was never a mention of the child they allegedly created. Nor any concern. Why Michael seemed to think it was the done thing to go for a victory fuck after your partner tells you he wants a divorce because you, the perp, have been serially unfaithful, is beyond me? Kat wakes up the next day feeling guilty. Kat always feels guilty after the fact. Maybe he was trying to tell her that that feeling was no good anymore. What's done was done and it was her own making. Interesting that he thinks that she and Alfie are addicted to each other. That's only partly true. I would say that Alfie loves Kat - deeply and truly loves her to the core. I would also echo the opinion of someone from the Walford Web Kindergarten and say that Kat loves only Kat, that she suffers from Narcissistic Victim Disorder - and here, Michael's partly right again. She's got to be the drama queen, the diva, the centre of attention. When something isn't all about her, she makes certain that it becomes so. Of course, there are countless numbers of other women like this in Walford at the moment - Tanya and the recently-departed Zainab spring instantly to mind - but Kat's the mother of them all in being narcissistic. Alfie loves her and knows her and accepts all her foibles. He's there to pick up the pieces. As for Katshit, Alfie is the dependable bloke who brings order to her world, but when he's been found to look away from her altar - like, you know, to make a living - she goes AWOL, feels guilty and promises to be a good girl, because this really isn't her fault at all. She's just a dirty girl. Cadaver-Face Moon told the slut tonight that she brought all of what happened onto herself, and now she was free of a marriage she destroyed, she shouldn't feel guilty anymore. He disdains his cousin searching for his estranged wife, out of concern and knowing what had transpired the night before, even sending her voicemails. He disdains that because his own wife doesn't do that to him. Well, she did, but he undermined her intelligence and her self-esteem and battered her psychologically until he destroyed her and she abandoned Walford and her much-loved baby daughter, broken in spirit. You weren't dumped, Michael. You destroyed a person, but have no fear ... the Queen of the Night will rise again, and I fear for you and Katshit.
Lauren. Go to Fred Segal's, you'll find them there Laughing loud so all the little people stare Looking for a daddy to pay for the champagne (Drop a name) Lauren is a lazy little fuck and easily the most unlikeable female character in the show. Wait, that's not entirely true. Massed at the top of the Hate List for most viewers are:-
Kat (from hero to zero, a despicable bitch)
Tanya (yummy mummy hypocrite)
Lauren (spoiled, entitled, directionless and self-obsessed)
Whitney (another self-perpetuating victim)
We got treated to Lauren being typically lazy and directionless and still committing incest with her cousin, Jah-WAAAAH, who is still a mouth-breather - make that mouf-breaver - and totally unintelligible.
Just to think ... this week, we were treated to the acting talents of Tyler Moon, the Little Cock son of Ava the Rava and Jah-WAAAAH ... brought to you by the Conservative Party's Care in the Community. In Thursday's episode, Lauren, in connection with her essay on Feminism in the British Cinema from 1947 to 1974 (nice to know that Lauren is taking a course which will be really useful to her in the future), inadvertantly offers some sage home truths to Kat - that Kat is the product of her own self-victimisation, or - in other words - everything that happens to Kat, everything bad and adverse, like the situation with Alfie, is brought upon herself. Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings ... If an 18 year-old girl can see that, then everyone (except Kat and Lorraine Newman) know that Kat isn't the victim. Even Jah-WAAAH opines that if Kat hadn't broken her marital vows, then she wouldn't be in half the trouble she's in right now. That entire scene offered proof of Kat the Narcissist. Sod it, that Lauren was in the middle of writing an essay, Kat just enters the room with no compunction and starts a homily about poor memememememememememememe ... Then Lauren's immaturity comes to the fore when she shrugs off Kat's guilt at fucking The Prince of Darkness, saying it was a step up from Derek; but really, she doesn't understand fuck-all, and neither does Kat. Kat fucked Michael to make herself feel good after being handed her arse on a plate. Now, her interpretation of taking control of the situation, is to march into the Vic, demand her son and tell Roxy, in the presence of Alfie and the pub, that she'd slept with Michael and reprise a scene from 2010, only this time, she's advising Roxy that Michael is more of a man in bed than Alfie and could teach him a few things. I wanted Roxy to smack the shit out of the skank. NewsFlash! In writing this review, I've just learned that Scott Maslen has quit the show. Shame it wasn't Jessie Wallace. Can her character get more hateful? The Bullyboi Brigade must have been out in force Thursday, gloating about how "pathetic" Alfie was. Alfie isn't pathetic. Kat is, and the community knows it. As Alfie says, Kat has no friends. Now we know why. Abi the Non-Virgin What happened to the dreams of a girl president? She's dancing in the video next to 50 Cent. OK, since when did the house where the two spoiled brats are being starved out of existence by the vicious and drunken old man in drag
who is their fetid grandmother, belong to Max Branning? Jack Soon-to-be-Gone Branning bought the house and rented it to Tanya. Then he rented it to Max, when he was alone and with Vanessa. Then he threw Vanessa out and re-rented it to Tanya. Since the electric bill is in Max's name, it's assumed Tanya handed all the household bills and utility authority, including the rent, over to Max, her husband in all but name. There you go. These three assholes want nothing to do with Max unless they need money. Were I Max, I'd give them the stiff middle finger. What I really wanted was for him to shift his size sevens into the shank of the old hag as she tottered down the stairs (off to stink up the Vic, most likely) and put an end to her. Abi may have popped her cherry (and here's betting she's pregnant and will come running to Daddy to fix it), but she still acts like a spoiled ten year-old. When Kirsty accosts her, she acts as though Kirsty is the Whore of the Western World, when she's not - that's Tanya on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and Katshit during the rest of the week. Kirsty has a cunning plan to get Max's daughters talking to him again, only she frightens St Abigail the Miraculous Self-Perpetuating Virgin by appearing in a staid black dress, with the skirt hiked into her tights and showing her crisp white Spankies. Abi didn't know there were women like that and that one of them was her stepmother.
Still, that anecdote serves as an ice-breaker when they all sit down to stab fish and chips, in the Branning front room. Watching the Brannings eat is real entertainment. Max must stab at a chip about six times, the girls about three times each. Still, like every other fabled Branning eat-up (and there have been so many since Christmas), it's interrupted.
Yummy Mummy has returned. The Return of the Native. Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back. Masood likes Carol. Carol likes Masood. They're having a cooking date and dinner for two. Masood's even chased Ajay and Tamwar, who gave a brilliant, geek-infested comeback to Bianca's motormouth, away from the premises, when his plans are scuppered by the return of the most stunningly beautiful bore in soap opera history ... Ayesha. And finally ... Why Michael Moon Is a Loser.
He is living in a house owned entirely by his absent wife.
He tried to scam a vulnerable woman and was rumbled.
He nabbed Derek's horde of stolen goods and counterfeit money and endeavoured to get a juvenile to sell the stuff for him.
He has no friends and no one likes him.
He even treats his family like shit.
He's landed Phil Mitchell with counterfeit money and thought Phil would get in on the scam. Phil's smarter than that.
Janine is coming home. She's Old Walford, the daughter of Frank Butcher and the step-daughter of Pat Evans and also Peggy Mitchell. Janine gonna kick some skinny arse.
My prediction? The Prince of Darkness will be gone by Christmas, and Tommy is not his son.
Well, that could be a song for the Bullyboi Brigade of Bex, Will Slater-Mitchell, *Betty* and Peege or Pooge or whatever the name of the delectable piece of detritus ,,, flotsam and jetsam ... man-hating perfection to drop from the nearest tree - you know, like the apple not falling far ... Having just watched Tuesday's episode, I'm certain they all stamped their petulant little feet at the thought of Roxy telling Kat a valid home truth that needed saying: That Kat is not the victim in this never-ending charade, Alfie is. There were two people in the Moon marriage, and only one of them cheated on the other - cheated regularly and with impunity, unwilling to give up the security of a marriage behind which she could hide and plead that none of what happened was her fault. No, she is the eternal "dirty girl," forever condemned to drink, party, club and fuck to her heart's content, and no one dare remonstrate with her because she was a sex abuse victim, you know. Roxy's words that Kat's cheating and that alone, broke up her marriage to Alfie hit home with Kat so hard, her only response was to smack the shit out of Roxy, not once but twice. Real class act, that. It only reinforces the fact that this woman, this slut, is a vicious, vindictive, and vengeful bully, who used her husband as an inconvenience, and who uses her child as any sort of emotional shield she needs. Alfie was right too: Kat is an abysmal mother. When she lived in the Vic, Tommy was usually seen in the care of Alfie or Jean. Kat only took notice when she was in the throes of Shaggerman, and she didn't want to sleep with Alfie, so she took to sticking to Tommy like glue. Even now, Tommy is more at the Vic than with her. Yet the Bullyboy Fanboi Brigade will deem Roxy a slut. They've always deemed her a slut. JackShipper-in-Chief Bex keeps accusing Roxy of "having sex with her sister's man." Is this character for real? People don't own one another, and at the time Roxy and Jack had their angry sex, Jack and Ronnie were not a couple. Ne'mind that The Ice Queen still harboured thoughts of interest in the walking piece of wood, she was not entitled claim Jack Branning. He was a free agent, and he did what free agents do. The Bullyboi Fanboi Brigade also have deemed Roxy a homewrecker in the past - citing her attempt to seduce Max and her moves on Alfie. In the first instance, when Max blew her back, she accepted he wasn't interested and didn't pursue. When she bared her soul to Alfie, he was explicitly honest with her, and - again - she didn't pursue. That's hardly homewrecking, In fact, on the Tanya Cross Branning Jessop Cross Scale of Homewrecking, that ranks about a -143. Pretty low. It was pretty low the way she tormented and ridiculed Tamwar Masood on his first day at work. Yes, Tamwar is socially gauche. He's depressed, he's lost his wife (who was his only ever girlfriend), his mother and little brother have left, his siblings are gone and he's totally at a loss as to what to do with his life. His self-esteem and his confidence are low. What Bianca and Kat did was total and abject bullying. It wasn't even funny. And if someone had tried to do that to Bianca's precious Whitney or to Zoe Slater, there'd be a smackfest from one end of the Square to the other. And hypocritical psychopath Michael Moon can shut the fuck up telling Roxy to show some compassion. He had no qualms about bedding the skank he'd caught in a vulnerable and drunken moment before for a fuck again. This is not a great love affair, and the smile on his face literally screamed that he'd manipulated her again. One wonders one thing ... if he'd tolerate a Janine who treated him the way Kat treats Alfie and Michael expects Alfie to endure? As for Michael telling Kat she was the best mother in the world to a son whose existence he's virtually ignored, when he's the sort of father who was ready to run out on his very sick infant daughter, whom he rarely sees now. Michael behaved like an absolute prick, even scamming Jean because he couldn't bear the thought of marrying a rich woman with a bit of clout. He felt he wasn't - dare I say it? - a "manly man." So Michael always punches down in manipulation - vulnerable creatures: Jean, Alice, Ronnie, Roxy because she was lonely and willing. He fucked Kat because of the same reason she told Alfie last year when she confessed to the knee-trembler in the alleyway with the drayman: he smelled the slut on her. Last month, he wanted the same favour from Kirsty Branning. She might have the smell of the slut about her, but she has one thing that differentiates her from Kat: moral principles. Kirsty is not a victim. But I posed the question: Why are we waiting? Because Lorraine "The Liar" Newman promised us that this year she would redeem Kat, turn her into the loveable yet flawed figure she previously was and rescue Kat and Alfie, restoring the magic that Newman, as Series Producer signed off on destroying two years ago. It's said that Newman couldn't understand the vitriolic hatred for Kat that had grown in the past two years, culminating in near everyone's wish (unless you were Bex or *Betty* or Will Slater-Mitchell or Peege/Pooge/Punge and bullying your way up the greasy pole in the Kindergarten) that Kat be totally expunged, that her shame be exposed and that she leave Walford, allowing Alfie to flourish in his new relationship with Roxy - a character who's played second fiddle since her first appearance in 2007. Newman promised us that within weeks of finding out that Kat was shagging greasy Derek, a man so redolent of her Uncle Harry we have to wonder why she fucked him, that we would know the reasons behind her affair. We still don't. Instead, we've heard her blame Derek entirely, when we know that is an abject lie. Then we heard her blame Roxy. Now she blames Alfie. She needs a reality check with the mirror ...
She might be surprised. But as much as Will Slater-Mitchell snidely snipes that Alfie's head is way up his arse, he might want to take a look at Kat. She has a pretty broad enough backside to fit the enormously entitled head she's grown. It's so much easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility. We were told Kat was going on a journey. Yes ... from bed to bed, back fucking a married man who, himself, bullied his vulnerable and hormonal wife who'd just given birth into leaving the area. And we were told Kat would laugh again. All we've seen is her name-call and bait Tamwar Masood in the cruelest way. If this be redemption, I'll stick with the sinners. Newman's a liar, and Kat is a loser. And a whore. And a slut. There, I said it. So she can belittle Alfie all she wants - he's looking after her child (who seems to be always poorly, with "sniffles") and works on a stall he financed. That's her repayment, and her accusation of Jean as a cheerleader when Jean did nothing but state the bleeding obvious: that nothing belies Kat's despicable behaviour towards Alfie, makes her as common and low-lifed as Michael Moon. Newman should read the fora polls. People hate Kat's skank arse. She should go ... or get killed off. I'm so sick and tired of the Lexi-go-round, I just want it to end. Another circular storyline whose interminable end we await. A storyline where nothing happens. Why is Sharon stupid? When did she have a lobotomy? Didn't she suss just the other night in the Vic that Phil's reason behind this entire fiasco wasn't for Lola's benefits, but to remedy his failure with Ben. He even made that patently obvious tonight, yet Sharon wittered on about Phil doing what's best for Lola. As for Lola, the only interaction in which I like her is when she's engaging with Sharon; but Phil reads her like a book, and you can understand his concern for his granddaughter being brought up by a mother like that - kicking the door in and threatening to vandalise Phil Mitchell's garage accomplishes nothing - except this time a custodial sentence and loss of custody of her child. The surprising fact of the episode came when the Fresh Cock of Walford with the Yoda ears actually said something sensible and intelligible: that kicking off against Phil's wind-ups accomplishes nothing. Wonders never cease. I wish this storyline would. Carol and Masood make a cute couple, and I didn't think I'd like them. Liam's missing his father and a man's presence in the household. Of course, he won't respond to Masood. He wants Ricky, and the increasingly phased-out Ray is now an unpaid and unseen babysitter. One of these days, Ray will be no more than a name, like Mr Popadopoulous, and someone we'll scarcely remember. Still, Carol uttered the truest line of all the dialogue - that Bianca was thirty-five and had the mentality of a teenager. If anything, this episode was rife with home truths which were largely ignored. And if people are going to carp and criticise Alfie, I want to know if the Bullyboi Fanboi Brigade, who worshipped at Zainab the Pure, are levelling the same criticisms at Masood for moving on so fast after Zainab's departure. After spending an evening listening to him talk about his marriage, Carol thought so, but Masood was quick, in a "Mr Cuddly cowardly sort of Will Slater-Mitchell way", to assure her he was ready for some action. I hope they thrive as a couple, although it would mean bringing the remaining Masoods into the toxic Branning dynamic, but it's good to see Carol smile and be something other than a Mother Hubbard to a gaggle of ungrateful grandchildren and a daughter with the emotional maturity of a six year-old. The storyline with Patrick should be relevant and should be dominating the proceedings. At a time when the government is vastly altering how the elderly are cared for in the community, all we get is Kim playing Chinese whispers with Denise about having to take Patrick to the toilet. There's a wonderful device with which the NHS will provide a gentleman who is unable to go to the toilet unaided. It's called a urinal. All Kim would need to do was empty it and wash it.
This is not a warped milk bottle, but it's time for Newman to stop taking the piss. Kat should be axed.
The Monday Episode discussion thread on the Walford Web kindergarten has devolved into a contest between two of the biggest Katapologists and Katshitshippers in the world, Will Slater-Mitchell and Bex, to see who can come up with the most pejorative adjectives to fling against Alfie. You see, they're not Kalfie shippers. No. They, especially the insidious Will Slater-Mitchell, purport to be avid fans of Kat Slater as was - the iconic female figure from the 2000-2005 period - the mouthy tart-with-a-heart who never does anything but good (even when she's doing wrong) and who, for some reason, deserves better than someone like Alfie - whom they see as a drip, a doormat and a dishrag whose very existence as such gives Kat relevance to behave as she wants. They excuse the fact that she absolves herself of any responsibility by citing wicked Uncle'Arry's abuse as an excuse to be the "dirty girl" she describes herself as being, every time she slopes off to fuck some random stranger in an alleway because the husband whose love she said redeemed her and made her feel clean again when she married him almost a decade ago. The abject truth is that Bex and Will Slater-Mitchell, the latter of whom sports a Kat avatar, are simply Alfie-haters - and for "Alfie", read man-haters, who would like Walford to evolve into an Amazonian society of loud, gobby, rude and smacking females - which they would mistakenly recognise as feisty and strong. They're wrong. Their chief complaint on the thread is how "pathetic" Alfie's reaction to Kat, post-split, has been - how he hasn't stopped looking after her or caring for her, how his behaviour has willfully led her to believe he still cares and how he's deluding Roxy. The ambiguous screen names and dubious female avatars might make some lurkers believe these are extremely bitchy women pushing some pretty inappropriate behaviour in a fortysomething woman who should know better, and actually excusing infidelity in a woman when such behaviour would be condemned in a man. They aren't women. They're men, and their sexism regarding their own gender is both fallacious and disgusting. For them, Alfie has always been a doormat. They practice a double standard that's pernicious to the nth degree, and the ironic fact is that they're too obtuse to realise that, in accusing Alfie of cowardice in the face of Kat, by refusing to answer the viable and relevant points raised by one prominent forum member, Nebraska, they are pretty big cowards, themselves - especially the loquacious Will Slater-Mitchell. Check out pages 2 and 3 of the thread, and you'll see what I mean. For in their jaded opinion, Alfie is damned whatever he does. He would have been damned if he'd chucked Kat when she crawled back to Walford, pregnant with his cousin's child, after a one-night stand - and, bozos (and I'm speaking to Bex and Will, here, who also happen to be two of the biggest bullybois Walford Web has ever produced), please note: a couple is a couple until they are divorced. Any separation of a couple, unless it's by divorce, means they are still married; so when Kat slept with the Living Dead, she was still married to Alfie. If you don't believe that, check out the goddamn law. Yes, if Alfie had refused to honour his serially unfaithful wife and assume parenthood for another man's child, he would have been condemned. As it is, he's condemned for doing so. Thus, in the world of Bex and Will, he is not a "manly man" - although they never actually make it clear what a "manly man" should do in this situation. I guess that also makes the likes of Patrick Truman, Ian Beale, Kevin and Brian Wicks and Garry Hobbes not "manly men," because they've taken on other men's children and raised them as their own. Hell, even Phil Mitchell's done that. Alfie would have also been condemned if he'd slung Kat out into the street when he first found out about her knee-trembler with the delivery man. They would have screamed their disgust at such treatment. As it was, they failed to understand how someone could so completely love another person that they live in hope that their behaviour might one day change - such unconditional love, makes a man a doormat and that's what they labelled Alfie. They need to remember the way Grant Mitchell behaved when his wife was unfaithful with his brother. They would have condemned the prolonged response of bartering her off as a whore to his mates, culminating in forcing her to sign divorce papers by marching slowly around the kitchen table, systematically smashing dishes until she was terrorised into signing the papers and leaving town. They would also have condemned Ricky Butcher for running after the feckless Bianca in the wake of her infidelity with Dan Sullivan, desperate for a future with his wife. And lately, this week, they condemn the way Alfie asked Kat for a divorce. He was measured, compassionate and kind. He was reasonable. He told her he loved her and would always love her; but because he no longer trusted her, there could be no marriage, and he would have to move on. Compare that with the way Grant Mitchell forced divorce upon Sharon. Or think about that other "manly man," Ian Beale, flinging Wife Number Three, Laura, out into the cold on a Christmas Day, because he didn't think he fathered her child. Or think of the original divorce action on the programme - Den serving Angie with papers on Christmas Day after discovering her deception. Maybe they were "manly men," but I suppose they would probably condemn those men as assholes, themselves. Takes one to know one. Alfie's civilised approach smoked out Kat's entitlement and arrogance. First, she used Tommy as a weapon (as she usually does). That didn't work. Then she grasped at straws, reminding him that he did say he loved her and promising him they could build on that, even promising him she would change (always a sign of someone on the losing end of something). And that would work until she got bored or felt she was being slighted by not being worshipped 24/7 by Alfie. The fact that Kat responded in her totally typically entitled way - mindful of the fact that since her latest perfidy, she has blamed Derek, she has blamed Roxy, she has even blamed Alfie for her infidelity, but never herself. Never. Never. She was angry because Roxy, Jean and the Walking Dead (Michael) knew of the impending announcement before she did; and if Kat hadn't chosen to stick her head up her backside and listen to the wisdom of Bianca (never a good thing to do), then she would have twigged that the "serious subject" which Alfie wanted to discuss was anything but a reconciliation. How could she even imagine that someone might want yet another chance at marriage after yet another heartbreak? Alfie had had enough. And as much as she thought her public humiliation of him belittled him, she was the one left looking small in character. The tetchy point which Nebraska keeps force-feeding these two cheerleading bullies has to do with a comparison between Alfie and Kat and Max and Tanya. Kat's immoral behaviour is exonerated. Her serial adultery condoned, celebrated and blamed on Alfie. Poor Kat is a victim. On the other hand, Max's serial cheating on Tanya is viewed as appalling. Poor Tanya, who puts up with this repeatedly, believes his lies, irons his shirts and carries on loving him and taking him back, deserves better. Max knows exactly what he's doing when he chases a new piece of skirt while Tanya stays at home. He's a bastard, and he owns it. But nobody calls poor Tanya a doormat. Not anyone. Certainly not Will Slater-Mitchell or Bex. And since they're reluctant to define their idea of the "manly man" they insist Alfie is not, then perhaps, rather than calling out snide insults the way Slater-Mitchell told Nebraska to take a chill pill, they'd be better off, sloping off to worship at the altar of someone whom they may consider a paragon of a "manly man". Someone who really knows how to treat a woman ... Oscar Pistorious.
Haters gonna hate, shippers gonna ship ... Reading the Kindergarten page tonight, I see that the Katapologist fanboi cheerleaders who yearn to be Kat (or someone like her) or thirst to be suckled by Tanya are out in force in the form of Will Slater-Mitchell and Bex. You know, the usual suspects. They deem Alfie's behaviour in that entire debacle of 30 minutes as "pathetic." In fact, no matter what Alfie dies, for those fanbois, Alfie will always be pathetic. However, I leave it to a worthy adversary of mine to hand them back their - dare I say it? - pathetic arses, in accurately assessing exactly what Alfie has done, why he's behaved this way and why it's correct. I give you Nurse Ratchit:-
Glad to see a hint of backbone from Sharon but frankly disappointed by Kirsty having to play the whore with Max. Phil is as usual infuriating and angry making, I only hope this is leading to some crisis and redemption for him because he is just monstrous now.
I disagree that Roxy was relishing Kat and Alfie's demise; she is in a difficult and vulnerable position without any female friend or support in sight. Personally I feel she shouldn't have moved in with Alfie so soon, but her feelings for him are genuine and I don't think she is enjoying his or Kat's pain at all. How is Alfie useless? He is trying to do the decent thing, he isn't the one who slept with Michael or Derek and his removing her from the circus ring of the Vic was understandable; his total devastation with Derek looking on in triumph was played out in public. Why the hell should he tolerate being screamed at by Kat after everything that has happened? He said he loved her but can't trust her. Totally understandable. If he rolled over and took Kat back I'd agree he's useless and his own worst enemy but so far he is trying to protect himself and move on.
This lady and I are often adversaries, but when she is right, she is bang on the mark. Thank you, Mrs B, for putting it so succinctly.
I was too ill to watch this on Monday evening. Too ill to watch it on Tuesday and still too ill to watch on Wednesday. To tell the truth, I was avoiding it. Sometimes, it's nice to be surprised.
This was a watchable episode - if only for Shane Richie's and Jessie Wallace's performances, alone; but the rest of the crew slotted in nicely - with a few noticeable exceptions, which I'll name. Suffice it to say that the most noticeable phenomenon which stands out in tonight's episode is the fact that Max Branning and Alfie Moon are two mediocre men saddled (literally) with wives who dress like streetcorner sluts. The difference between the women is one knows exactly from whence she came and owns it; the other is the eternal dirty girl, who only admits responsibility in a desperate attempt to get back what she so wantonly threw away. Kat and Alfie: From Here to Eternity
Kat and Alfie ... Kat and Alfie ... has the same rythym to it as "Love and Marriage", doesn't it? Which is why, of course, one would always think that Kat and Alfie would be a Walford marriage etched in stone, one that would last ... well, from here to eternity. You'd be forgiven for thinking that after the send-off they got in 2005, wouldn't you? Kat and Alfie were the couple you wanted to succeed, the one love match you wanted to last forever. When he returned for her in the snow on Christmas Day, you knew she'd buried all her demons, and that she'd found her man in the moon and that the loved each other unconditionally. Then Bryan Kirkwood got hold of the tale and turned it into a horror story. For the pas two-and-a-half years, we've watched Kat go from hero to zero. We've seen the abuse victim become the abuser - and before I go any further, I'm going to wag a cyber finger under the bullyboi noses of Walford Web Kindergarten Katapologists Bex and Will Slater-Mitchell and advise them that some victims of abuse learn to use their awful experiences as a means to justify inappropriate behaviour in the future; and some abuse victims become abusers, themselves. Kat did and became both. We've watched her systematically abuse her husband both physically and emotionally. We've watcher her humiliate him publically and belittle his masculinity. We've watched her cheat on him without compunction and certainly with impugnity - always getting caught and always so terribly sorry (that she got caught, that is). Alfie was right to throw her out when he found out about Derek at Christmas. I know the bullybois will say that he should have kicked her arse out in October, when he first discovered the affair. There are those who wonder why he only did it when he found out she'd been shagging Derek, after their affair had ended. The reason Alfie did what he did when he did it can be summed up in two simple words:- She lied. That's right, Kat lied. Even when she was forced to confess she had been having an affair in October or September or whenever the hell it was, she still lied to Alfie. She told him that he didn't know Shaggerman. She told him Shaggerman lived in Catford. She told him they didn't meet on the Square. All lies. When Alfie discovered the real identity of Shaggerman, even if the affair hadn't continued, he knew that Kat still couldn't be trusted. I've said before that, when he's used correctly, Shane Richie is one of the strongest actors in EastEnders, and he showed as much in this episode. He's full of inner conflict, and it's written all over his face. He loves his wife, but he's with a woman who loves him and who is consumed with insecurity in this relationship because the first wife always seems to be in the face of the man she loves. Yes, Alfie still loves Kat, but he can no longer trust her, and a marriage is nothing without trust. He has to move on with his life, and the only way he can do that is to end it with Kat. I'll admit and I still do, that I don't like the way this storyline is going - the aftermath of the reveal has been told totally from Kat's point of view, presenting her as the sympathetic victim, instead of the heartless, dislikeable slut who just ripped apart her marriage. The viewers are smarter than Lorraine Newman reckons. After all, in forum poll after poll, Kat regularly tops the list of most hated characters, and now that Derek's dead, she's the mamma. But Newman wants Kat saved, so we have to buy this version now which sees poor Kat, desperately loving Alfie from afar, wanting nothing but to be his wife and be together with him and having to suffer him being openly affectionate with Roxy. We have to stomach Roxy being a jealous, demanding bitch; and we have to watch the souring of her relationship with Alfie, which - last year- was one of the bright spots on programme's dim horizion. We know that this will last the better part of a year and end with their reunion at Christmas 2013 - their tenth anniversary. In fact, there was a subtle foreshadowing of that tonight, in the text of Alfie's prepared speech, the one he disregarded, when he alluded to their having been together for almost ten years. So Alfie decides it's time to call time on Kat, but of course, Jean and creepy Michael find out first, which is bad enough; but Kat's got her own village idiot egging her on in the form of Bianca, who convinces Kat that Alfie's real reason for asking her upstairs for a drink later on, was because he wanted her back. It amazes me how no one in this entire debacle has yet to slam it into Kat's face that her behaviour destroyed her marriage, and she really shouldn't expect the wronged husband to want her back only to have her misbehave again. Bianca is like Kat in that she thinks it's OK for her to bonk around with Dan Sullivan, but Ricky had to be kept on a tight lead. She thought of Ricky as a convenient child-minder until he returned home with Sam Mitchell in tow, and suddenly he became the object of her desire. Ricky and Bianca were supposed to have been a forever couple too ... until Bryan Kirkwood got hold of them. Michael Moon's presence continues to irk me, and if I could fast forward all the unpleasant shit that's about to rain down until Queen of the Night Janine returns to smack the cack out of he cadaverous arse and send the Prince of Darkness off to daddy-hunt forgiveness, I would gladly do that. His exchange with Roxy was creepy enough, disdaining her interest in Alfie, refusing to see how or why anyone would be attracted to him. But then he insists on giving marital advice to Alfie, especially about how Alfie and Kat were to be the eternal couple ... what the fuck point was that, when his one-night-stand-great-love-affair-of-the-century-long-standing-affair-depending-on-what-day-of-the-week-who's-writing-the-episode-and-who-the-executive-producer-is did a helluva lot to rip that marriage apart too - for which he's shown no compassion nor asked for any forgiveness from Alfie. He won't and he can't. Because he's a psychopath. Thank goodness, those sorts have short shelf lives. When Michael leaves, I hope he leaves in a box, hissing with sulfur and with a stake driven through his heart. But the last two scenes between Alfie and Kat were their best. Alfie was totally honest - and tender and gentle - in telling Kat how he felt - that he loved her and would always love her, but he couldn't trust her, and so it had to end. He was actually quite cavalier about this, not blaming her, just sadly realising that his vision of them being together forever was just a fantasy. Too much had happened in between. You couldn't imagine a Grant Mitchell or an Ian Beale pulling this off. Maybe Max on a good day. Both of Kat's reactions are typical Kat-the-Victim. Initially, now, at last, she actually admits that everything that led to this was her fault, that if Alfie took her back she'd be the perfect, sweet and faithful Mrs Moon - no more clubbing, nothing of that sort. She'd be whatever he wanted her to be. This was the cry of the desperate - and it was the manoeuvre Kat always makes when caught out - one more chance, and she'd show him how good she'd be ... Now let's go on a sex-filled holiday. Her second reaction was even more spite-filled and typical Kat the victim bitch: finding out thata Jean, Michael and Roxy all knew about this before she did, and blaming Alfie for that. Alfie told Jean because he was forced to do so by Jean earwigging and thinking Roxy wanted her gone. So Kat resorts to her old tricks of ritual public humiliation - calling Alfie pathetic and saying how glad she was to be shot of him. And Alfie gives her her own back - how he'd hoped they could have ended this with dignity and how he was kind enough to afford her that, but he knew deep down, she'd react this way, and her behaviour only convinced him that he didn't love her anymore. There you go, Alfie. Well done, my son. How I wish this bitch were leaving! Max and Kirsty: One for His Baby.
Kirsty's got a day off and Max has to work. Kirsty's all kitted out in leather, but Max isn't interested in sex. He has to work. I imagine the money he makes trying to sell one of four cars on the forecourt pays the weekly rent on the room where he and Kirsty live at the B and B. However, by chance, Kirsty runs into Lauren the Lip, who doesn't work and isn't speaking to her father, in the cafe. Now this is an incongruity. Lauren's grandmother, Cora the Bora (who, thankfully, hasn't been seen for awhile, has spent all housekeeping money on booze and cigarettes, so Lauren has been sent out to forage in the cafe for obliging friends and relatives to cadge her meal. So she finds Kirsty, and immediately ascertains that Max had to work when Kirsty wanted to play. Instead, Lauren the Lip invites her stepma back to the house where her clusterfucking cousin Joey ...
... lives. Joey has told Lauren that she and Kirsty can stay there as long as they want. Joey maybe would like a threesome, but neither would understand what he would want because he's unintelligible. Of course, the first thing Lauren does is help herself to some drink she found in the house. (That must belong to Kat. Joey doesn't impress me as a wine-drinker, and Aa-asss doesn't drink, So that's stealing, right?) If Michael giving relationship advice isn't bad enough, try Lauren out for size, especially when she's overtly trying to spook her father's new wife. Getting all dolled up for Max is what Yummy Mummy would do, until she'd find Max was bedding a girl half her age. When Kirsty replies that she's a different person from Lauren's mummy, Lauren smugly replies that Max is the same, and greedily hordes the booze when Kirsty leaves. Because Kirsty is the mountain - or rather - two mountains brought to Mohammed (as in Max), when she sexes herself up and offers it to him on his desk in the portacabin. That desk has seen some action - Sean Slater and Carly Wicks, Max and creepy Becca, Max and Vanessa, Darren and Lauren ... and now this. You know this will all end in tears. All I will say is: Watch Jack. Phil and Sharon - oh, and Jack: He's Got Her Under His Skin.
Phil's back, and the first to feel his wrath is the Little Cock ...
Walford's very own racial stereotype - the faux cool, unintelligible black urban yoof. The next to know is Lola, the resident chav - and here's another spin the writers are trying to force-feed the viewing public. Faced with a vociferous outcry from professional social workers for the pejorative way in which Trish Barnes was depicted, she's now been watered down beyond recognition, bigging up Lola's qualities. TPTB are doing a hardsell job on Lola for us too - because she's had a baby, we're now supposed to root for her and love her - ne'mind the fact that she's a common little trollope and a thief, that she has no manners and is adverse to authority. Ne'mind that since her baby's birth she's swathed her foot in chemical red paint and daubed her forehead with beauty cream. Ne'mind she only had the kid to get benefits. And ne'mind that, whenever she's caught doing something, it's never her fault because:-
she's a kid (as in, she's entitled)
she's been pregnant
she's been in care
We're supposed to forget all of that and love Lola. Well, I don't, and I'm sorry - even though we now hear how she's been all sweetness and light to the Social and has gained an apprenticeship at the salon. (Not technically true. Poppy promised to speak to Tanya about it, but Tanya's nowhere to be seen).
But now Phil catches up with Joker Jack and Miss Piggy in the pub, and it's clear that his interest isn't only in keeping Lexi, it's keeping Sharon too.
I despair of this storyline, especially since it's being used as a backdrop to the reincarnation of the Phil-and-Sharon romance that was so vibrant in the early Nineties and back in 2001. The writing has been awful, especially for Sharon and Phil. Instead of even friends, they treat each other like business associates. And Sharon looks like a man in drag - even tonight, with her hair styled differently, she looked like a floozy. She's a 43 year-old woman. Fine, if she's going to have long hair. Long hair on women past forty should be upswept or tied back.
Britney-Shitney: Same Old Same Old One More Time.
Whitney has a new job, but I can't figure out where it is. It looks like the community centre and it appears her job is to babysit a bunch of shirty twelve year-old boys. And her boss is Ava the Rava, Walford's own Aunt Esther ...
Yes, yet another racial stereotype from the white, leafy surburban, middle-class minds of the EastEnders' writing room. Ava the Rava and Whitney play a brief game of You Hand My My Arse and I'll Hand You Yours, with Ava (an educated professional who's spent an adult lifetime working with children between the ages of four and eleven) trying to explain the Whitney's role in whatever her new job is, and Whitney being her typically arrogant self in refusing to acknowledge authority and wisdom, and presuming to know more than Ava (whoever she is), because Whitney is that much more of an expert, having a fourteen year-old brother and an eight year-old brother, who are both stroppy, and a ten year-old sister who thinks she's twenty. (No, Bitch, that's not the way to sell your qualities to a seasoned professional. Besides, you forgot to mention that you live with a stepma and a stepnan, one of whom has the emotional maturity of a five year-old and the other who throws hissy fits like a fourteen year-old girl suffering from PMT). So Whitney's given the task of entertaining a group of what looks like twelve year-old delinquents and she decides they're going to write some rap - Whitney has a friend who loves rap, but she neglects to tell them that she slept with the friend until he became too nice and she dumped him, which is what she'll do to any bloke who becomes too nice and too dependable, like Tyler. Until one little wotsit won't respond to Whitney's dynamic teaching skills and she seeks to include him by humiliation, which is actually Bianca's way and doesn't accomplish anything but a kick-off. Enter Ava the Rava, to put the situation right quietly and effectively, and to make Whitney, whom she calls Britney, look small. But in the end, it doesn't matter, because Ava the Rava tells Whitney, in the presence of Cock and Tyler and the entire pub, that Whitney was fab, I mean really fab, and that she loved her name. Please. Stop. Stop now. Observation: Cock and Tyler have now met. They can be unintelligible together. How long before we see subtitles? Dorothy Pulls It Off. Again.
When I was well last week, I sang the praises of Dot the Matriarch. Now that I'm poorly and recuperating, I see things with a jaundiced eye. They're overcoating Dot with matriarch juice (as well as stylish clothes, which aren't Dot) too much. It's curdling. Tonight's pastiche was a situation comedy interlude about a misunderstanding. Patrick thinks the Fox sisters don't want to look after him as he recovers, and they think he doesn't want them to look after him. They consider themselves his daughters, even though Anthony is really his son. We now have our latest piece of retconning. Hands UP, all ye who remember Anthony Truman having a wife and children? Anthony was a missionary doctor in Cambodia, and Patrick has visited him there many times since Paul's death in 2005. There has been no mention of a wife named Sophie, and a man like Patrick wouldn't hesitate to mention grandchildren. In the front room of the B and B, there are pictures galore of Chelsea and Libby, Paul and Anthony, Paul's young daughter, and the Wicks' kids ... but no such pictures of any childen of Anthony Truman. In fact, the last time Patrick visited Anthony in Cambodia was in the wake of Heather's death in his grief. Now we find he's not only acquired a wife and kids, but he lives in Glasgow. You know, this show is classed as a continuing drama. That's continuing, meaning it has a past, a present to draw from the past and (hopefully) a future to draw from both. But when you have writers who make up facts as they go along in order to suit storyline of dialogue, then the show loses a huge chunk of credibility. It may be aiming itself at the younger edge and lower braincelled capacity of Millennials with Emer Kenny doing storylining, but people remember Anthony Truman was in Cambodia, and suddenly didn't sprout a wife and kids in Glasgow. Pull the other one. Anyway, that pastiche achieved its end - Patrick is going to stay with Denise and Kim, and Dot's smiling self-satisfyingly. It's rare when Rudolph Walker and Diane Parish are in a weak vignette, but only the fact that we had to endure the shit about Whitney tonight saved this segment from being the weakest of the lot. Otherwise, the episode was watchable.
