"Something for everyone" ... sound familiar? It should, fanbois. This was one of many mantras chanted by Dominic Treadwell-Collins, as he sought to
Yes, there certainly has been something for everyone - Billy got a couple of episodes where he got Janet back, and next week he'll get a couple more when it's discovered he's stealing electricity from Aleks.
But we all know (because we've been told) that the storylines to which we should all pay homage are - Lucy's murder, the Carters, Carol's cancer, the Carters, and Shirley's secret and anything else about the Carters Dom-Dom De Luxe throws in the fray. Everything else is transient and temporary, and that includes the crumbs thrown Sharon from the High Table of Shirley Queen of Scrotes. Sharon's storyline is all about Shirley.
Oh, and blackmail is the new black. Raine's blackmailing Ian, Phil's blackmailing Shirley, who's blackmailing him, Alfie is going to blackmail Aleks, and Dean will probably blackmail Linda.
Over-egging. This was always a fault of this wee pixie of a man, who has an enormous ego. Babies and over-egging.
Pun intended.
Two Cons Don't Make a Man.
A very astute viewer of this programme remarked about this episode that it was very much done to justify the continued presence of Shane Richie in the programme. After watching it, I agree. It was also the chance to give Himesh Patel something more to do other than shuffle about in a coat two sizes too small, judging by the shortened lengths of the sleeves.
I feel sorry for Richie, because he's a much much better actor than either the writing room or Dom-Dom give him credit. In fact, he's one of the strongest actors in the show. It's just that, whilst the writers bothered with redeeming Kat's character, they were too lazy to research Alfie again, and, instead, re-wrote him as an even more obnoxious Shane Richie. Besides, since January, why bother writing for Alfie Moon, when Alfie's original persona has been usurped by the man-boobed landlord of the Vic, the simian-browed Mick Carter.
Alfie has become just another loser, dominated by a stringent wife. And - surprise surprise - he's got money problems.
Repetition for emphasis.
Billy has always had money problems - hence, the resort to stealing from everyone. Bianca is now hiding significant finanacial woes. Again. And here's Alfie worrying about how he's going to feed Tommy and the twins.
Over-egging again, especially since it's been disclosed that Alfie will struggle financially after the twins' births.
Alfie and Carol, who will suffer financial hardship, herself, are the new Biancas.
Let's cut to the chase - the moment an EP starts lumbering various characters with storyline after storyline of financial hardship coupled with bungled money-making schemes, it's time for the actor to call time and go. It means that TPTB have no more ideas for these sorts of characters, and don't value them. Wallace and Richie are both pursuing different venues outside the show; maybe they should just leave so Dom-Dom De Luxe can invent some more Carters.
Several well-off and entitled Millennials, supported and sustained by doting parents, think stories of poverty and financial hardship are boring and only affect weaker characters. My advice to them is that they fuck off and read some appalling Ayn Rand, if they can understand her selfish logic, and please don't vote Labour at the next election. In fact, don't even vote Tory. Mark the ballot for UKIP.
I know history isn't important to these people, but some of the most powerful storylines the show has done in the past have revolved around financial hardship and involved anything but weak characters.
- Arthur's mental breakdown and theft of the Christmas Club money to fund his daughter's wedding
- Frank's breakdown where he simply walked off and left Pat destitute
- Ian Beale's bankruptcy, resulting in that classic scene of him on his knees in the street begging Phil Mitchell for money
Powerful storylines. Powerful characters. Powerful thing, history.
A couple of interesting inconsistencies in this storyline - first, if Alfie got in trouble for having Terry, an unregistered trader, helping on his stall, why is it OK that Big Mo is doing the same for Bianca and Kat? Second, November 2013 was, according to Roxy, "a long time ago."
Wow, Millennial EastEnders! Dom Dom De Luxe certainly knows his audience of fanbois.
The ice cream story was stupid, basically a stupid set-up for Alfie (and jobsworth Tamwar) to discover a lever by which - surprise! - Alfie can blackmail Alex. He's married.
Cue the duff-duff.
Gob on You.
Really, that's what I want to do to Ian and Peter. There's a verse from the old Not the Nine O'Clock News song that particularly applies to Peter:-
Sex is boring
Pain is fun
I want to cut my fingers off
One by one
There ain't no point
In being alive
I want to be dead
But I'm twenty-five
First Ian spends weeks on end, blubbing and crying, fucking or cuddling various inappropriate women; now Peter vegetates on the couch at Billy's squat all day long, put out of commission because his "amazing" sister comes to him in his dreams.
Stop. Just stop. Lucy's death was shocking, but people have moved on. In fact, though they'd rather not say it to your face, your daughter and sister was a rancid-eating little self-obsessed bitch. She wasn't nice, not even to the pair of you. She hated Ian and disdained Peter.
The character study surrounding Lucy's death has cropped up Ian and Peter as a pair of First Class farts. Ian's a perv who frequents kerb-crawling, and you needn't think this is some new phenomenon. Ian has frequented prostitutes since he was a young man, some twenty years ago. Peter, on the other hand, has emerged as an entitled, socially gauche, Class A Sloane Ranger prat.
The dialogue between these two was cringeworthingly embarrassing.
We'll get through this together.
Who says that? Far more realistic would be for Ian to tell Peter to get up off his lazy arse and get to work. No, instead, they make lunch together as a bonding exercise. In Billy's house. All the time the fanbois, the cheerleaders and the Executive Producer were treated to a gratuitous shot of Ben Hardy's workout-enhanced arms.
CarterVille.
Monday saw everyone, Linda inexplicably and unexpectedly worried about Shirley's absence.
The best part of this family is Nancy, of whom we don't see enough; but Linda is, arguably, the most nuanced character ever to appear in the programme. She's struggling to accept her youngest son's sexuality to the extent that she can't even say the event he attended during the weekend - Gay Pride.
Knowing what I now know about Linda's background and about the secret that's about to be revealed, I can understand the veneer of immaturity that envelopes Linda. She hasn't progressed past the age of fifteen, the age where she was asked to put away childish things and become a mother - in other words, a responsible adult.
But she isn't a responsible adult. Oh, she's a mum and a caring and loving one, but she's the eternal child, made over and mollycoddled by Mick and her children. She doesn't cook, she dresses like a teenager, she's frightened of clowns and she takes a childish delight in birthdays. Many times, her delightful and down-to-earth daughter takes the lead in curbing her OTT personality.
Dean is definitely interested.
On the other hand, there's feckless Tina, who I now am convinced is a retarded Court Jester. That said, Ian's immediate sacking of her was not only harsh, but illegal. I'd like to see Dom Dom try to sack someone like that - his bony arse would be at Tribunal quicker than he could say "Mitchell."
Tina's sacked and doesn't know what to do. When her younger brother suggests telling Tosh the truth, Tina decides to deal some drugs with Auntie Babe.
I've Done Somefink REALLY Stupid.
Change the record. Bianca's in debt. Again. And this time the bailiffs are coming.
Crap episode.
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