Insult to Intelligence Week - Review:- 01.09.2014-05.09.2014

I am conficted. After the week, we've just had and getting an inkling of what's coming up in September, I need to ask myself two questions:-

• First, how can something be so good, yet so bad to the point that it's the antithesis of what the show is supposed to be?
• And second, is it time I called it a day in watching the show, in general?

For those of you who haven't yet seen it, here is the much-touted BBC trailer pushing everything that's happening in the show for September:-

OK, so let's recap. We've got a big bang explosion, which causes the Slater/Moon house to burn down (again), then we've got the welter of lies and deceit around the wedding of Sharon and Phil - she's trying to fleece him, he's unfaithful to her - Phil! Unfaithful to Sharon! With Shirley! The whole gaggle of retconned Mitchells and the old non-Mitchell coot that is Auntie Sal ganging up on Phil, along with NuNuBen, who looks like a raffish, teenaged Clark Kent, urging him to ditch Sharon.

After all, bellows Sal, she chose yer bruvva.

Not quite true, Dom - do try not to retcon history. Sharon cheated with Phil on Grant, after she'd married Grant and after he'd beaten her a couple of times. There was never a choice between Grant and Phil from the getgo. It was always Sharon and Grant. When Grant returned from prison, rather than leave him for Phil, Sharon chose to remain with her husband.

There was never a choice, but there was a tissue of lies the bruvs told Peggy, making Sharon out to be the n-word in the woodpile, who broke up some brotherly love.

Then, there was that monumental scene from the Bryan Kirkwood era (which doesn't count, except that Dominic Treadwell-Collins is as much a Shirley-Phil shipper as Kirkwood was), when Shirley discovered Phil's infidelity with Auntie Glenda and asked him to promise her complete fidelity - remember, they were about to be married as well?

Phil refused to promise that. 

I can't. That's the way I am.

When Shirley asked him if he would ever be unfaithful to Sharon, he looked at her as if to imply that he never would.

Along with the wedding shenanigans, we've got a rape. This time, Dean - the first of a gaggle of pretty boy bland characters who've graced the Square since 2007 - rapes his sister/auntie Linda. (Think an evil Wicksy raping Angie).

As someone pointed out to me, we've had Deano Wicks, Callum Monks, Danny Mitchell, the Moon brothers, Joey Branning and now Lee Carter - all shallow, cheeky boys hired mostly for looks and easily forgotten. However Dean returns, minus the "o", and takes his former character to both a new level and a new depth. And what do they do? The box him into a corner as a rapist and, I'm pretty sure, they'll despatch him in a box. As if that isn't enough, he'll sew his seed in the immensely unlikeable Tosh, giving matriarchal Shirley yet another grandchild in which to invest her venom.

Because this trailer, ultimately, is about the real star of the show, Shirley. The central attention of the trailer is all about her, and the end of the thing features a single gunshot ... but who's been shot? Certainly not Phil again? Shirley by Sharon to make us more empathetic to poor, pitiful Shirley and to make us hate Sharon even more?

And where, pray tell, is this Sharon Watts of Old, promised us by Dominic Treadwell-Collins, who also promised us no "greatest hits" and no sensationalsim?

Because, peeps, that's all September is - one big, enormous mishmash of sensationalism.

Its bums-on-seats time in the run-up to Christmas. Ian's away, and there's nary a mention of dead Lucy, a-mouldering someplace in her grave.

For those who would care to remember, the key elements of DTC's last tenure as second-in-command, were comebacks, retcons and sensationalism. Well, add to that, the surprise return. Don't worry about Dean's short shelf-life, when we have the wonderwet that is Ryan returning. That's right, Ryan of the eternal bumshot, an actor who, like the actor who plays Dean Wicks, did not have his contract renewed.

Far more worrying than the retcons and the sensationalism are the storylines contrived to arrive at the point where the big reveal/the big bang/the big death occurs. They are, quite simply, an insult to the viewers' collective intelligence. I'm all for dramatic licence, and I could just about take the total unreality of Stacey's instant appeal; but the farce that's surrounding the Slater/Moon situation is cruel and demeaning, to the characters it concerns, the actors who portray them, and the audience, most of whom know better. All in all, that's just a contrived hatefest, enabling this executive producers acolytes amongst the viewing public an opportunity to rant at Alfie Moon, who's become the fashionable figure of hate about at the moment, and giving Dominic a self-satisfying giggle.

It's all about re-writing history and reality. 

This isn't EastEnders anymore. This is dumbing down.

Monday 01.09.2014 - A Cheese and Onion Filler

The Moons.

Yeah, andWhitney needs a bath as well as being a snide bitch, filled with her own self-importance and suffering from incurable headuparse-itis. Stacey has issues? Really, Whitney? Have you looked in the mirror, yourself? Stacey's messed up? Really, Whitney?

Stacey killed a man, and that's something with which she'll have to live for the rest of her life. She's spent the majority of her life, looking after a mother with bi-polar syndrome when she was just a kid, herself. But Stacey has acknowledged what she's done, confessed her crime, shown remorse, and has learned from her misdeeds. She's returned to Walford now, intent on settling down, finding work and making a life for herself and her daughter.

But Stacey, according to that eminent judge of character, Whitney, has issues.Ne'mind the fact that Simon Parker Ryan DripHead, her brother, is on the run for murder - didn't you accuse Stacey of going on the run, Whitney? - and didn't he arrive in Walford, having stabbed a man? He was a grifter, a drug dealer and a cheat. He had no morals and had the backbone of an amoeba. If Whitney thinks Lily would, in any way, benefit from association with Ryan, she's deluded. Ryan barely acknowledged Whitney's existence, once he' dipped his wick in some girl's knickers.

It's not up to Whitney to decide what to tell Lily about her father, if anything. That's down to Lily's mother, but then, Whitney overrode Bianca, Morgan's mother, in that same situation too. But then Whitney always knows better than any parent.

The fact that she's been using the hospitality of the Moons, accessing Lily for the purpose of making Ryan aware of the fact that she was back in Walford, is nothing less than scurvy. Ryan's rights to Lily depend on Stacey, her mother, and what does Stacey hope to achieve? Ryan can't even use his given name, and he must be nearby for Whitney to arrange to meet him.

Stacey was well within her rights to prohibit Whitney from seeing Lily. Whitney is undermining Stacey's position as Lily's parent and principal care-giver, and she's abused the hospitality of Kat and Alfie.

You have to wonder at Whitney's stupidity. At the worst, Stacey had been sentenced to five years; she would have been out, after 2-and-a-half years. Did she think Stacey wouldn't come back for Lily?

The weak link in this storyline was the dialogue in the cafe between Stacey and Kat, where Kat started sounding like a clinical psychologist spouting textbook analogies, yet, it was in the cafe where Stacey renewed her acquaintance with Dean(o), both comparing their respective prison releases. That was the only bit of bad continuity to be found in the show - Dean referring to his release being one big celebration.

Nope. Dean returned from prison angry and aggressive. He secured the services of a prostitute and made Shirley pay, he took money from Shirley, verbally abused her and left, blaming her for his woes. Hardly a celebration. When Stacey threatened to smack Whitney, I punched the air. Stacey might need to wash her hand afterward, as much as Whitney looks as though she needs a good scrub.

Whitney and Lee - bleah! And Lee had such promise, initially, as a character.

Just an observation, but it appears that the council correspondence regarding the Moons' arrears are in Big Mo's name. That means she is the principal tenant. Surely, she must realise that the rent is not being paid, unless she assumes that the Moons are doing that for her; but I didn't think Mo was that obtuse. (This is the beginning of the dumbing-down, people).

The Non-Beale BabyMama. 

Amongst many things, this was the beginning of the end for the Spraggans. It started with the return of Cindy from hospital with the baby, overseen - in Ian's weaselly absence - by Sharon and Phil (whose own storyline is about to be resumed). TJ's gone from being the force behind CindyBoy who was subtly encouraging her to go ahead with the pregnancy, promising to stand by her, to yet another weak-willed male who wants nothing to do with parenthood. 

Or is he?

TJ was potential university material and was keen on staying on in school, when this brouhaha burst. Over the period of time CindyBoy has been gone, he's had time to think. Not honourable and a bit too late to admit you're too immature to be a parent, but -hey - the boy and his folks are leaving, moving to Milton Keynes.

I'm still not warming to Cindy, who seems to be the only person missing Ian and who still looks like a hairy manchild in drag. That scene on the couch with Peter the Prick was simply that of two well-spoken, upper middle class kids, the older of whom was instructing the younger on why they should be looking down their noses at the less-than-salubrious working class relative of one of the two. Poor Peter's frightfully middle class sensibilities have been stung by the revelation of Ian's kerb-crawling because this actually makes his family as base as he reckons Lola to be, the pukeworthy little cur.

As for Cindy, she elicits less warmth than Melissa Suffield's Lucy. Her speech, movements, rolling eyes and open-mouthed pout denote a great boredom with everything happening around her, including the baby. I didn't feel there was actually any love or affection for the child, she just appeared to be going through the necessary motions.

Denise Denise. 

Oh, Denise, oobeedoo, Ian don't love you, Denise oobeedoo ...

I'm glad someone remembered Denise, and that those characters who did, were intrinsically involved with her from many years back. Shabnam is the daughter of one of her best friends, Dean is her stepson. I was glad that when Shabnam called on Dean to help Denise, he stopped what he was doing and went to help. Dean isn't all bad, and finding out the rape storyline about to ensue, I wonder if this is going to be as straightforward as has been hinted in the latest release.

Oh Carol. 

Oh, Carol ... you are but a fool.

She's back, and reality has just set in. Initially, Carol's return (with a great pixie cut), gave us another weak wobble of dialogue, in the scene where Carol waited outside the Butcher/Jackson kitchen, only to overhear Sonia's public service announcement about a post-op patient's state of mind.

However, her scenes with Dot were lovely. The one occasion when Carol wanted distraction from the kids, and she's left to contemplate her own fate. Typical Carol to postpone important appointments out of fear of what might be said, only to lie to Sonia, as per usual. Interesting that she chose to seek out Dot, who was sincere in her help, concern and interest, until the arrival of Charlie, and thereupon another storyline is touched upon - Charlie is afraid too - that Carol had told Dot the truth about Nick being alive, when Dot had only got emotional about Jim in the wake of Carol's confession of fear. Nice, subtle reminder that Carol still has Charlie pegged. Carol knows Nick is alive, Max has rightful suspicions that Charlie isn't a policeman. Who's going to cop the blame in the eventual reveal? Not Charlie.

(Sigh) CarterVille and SuperShirley - Kiss It Better.

(Sigh) This is DTC's remit for Mamma Shirl - to kiss it better for everyone. I hope the world and Walford likes the taste of stale cigarette blended with vodka.

 Linda's gone and Mick can't even wash a pint glass without cutting his thumb. Ne'mind, his sister/mommy is always lurking about, like an avenging angel, in the background. Boo-hoo ... Mick wants her back. In this instance, I agree with Phil. If Mick hadn't chosen to get involved in Ian's problem, Linda wouldn't have left.

These were scenes interjected for no other purpose than to remind the viewer that the Carters are there, in the pub, and, therefore, very important. And with SuperShirley there on hand to do everything but wipe Mick's nose, this is the beginning of an attempt to re-mould her as the new-age Pat. She isn't.

Danny Dyer is beginning to bore me now. The saintly image was wearing thin, the exposure of his passive-aggressive side sealed my dislike.

The entire gaggle of Carters can slope off, with the exception of Linda and Nancy.

Tuesday 02.09.2014 - When All That Is Bad Seems Good.

Family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first family first.

Do you think you've got the message from Tuesday's episode? Jesus Christ. The writer must have a degree in stating the bleeding obvious, because if we'd all had a pound coin chucked from the screen every time someone said that phrase, we'd be rich. That wasn't repetition for emphasis, that was dumbing down. Again.

That wasn't the worst part of the episode, because there were some genuinely good bits, but this was one episode where the bad outweighed the good. Having the characters repeat that line like a mantra (because "family" has always been the ethos of this show) was annoying, but there were other bits that grated.

What Was BAD about This Episode

1. The Reappearance of Ryan - Hello, It's Me.

 You know the surprises are getting thin on the ground when they drum up Ryan Malloy as the next surprise. Puke. Santer made three mistakes during his tenure on the show - Callum Monks, Danny Mitchell and Ryan Malloy - and since DTC, his acolyte, seems to think anything from his time on the show, created by his team during his first stint is better than anyone from the Kirkwood and Newman eras, I shudder to think that there might be a surprise visit from Vinnie and Callum or Danny Mitchell somewhere down the line.

Ryan was just about the wettest, drippiest example of a sex symbol there ever was - that sad, hang-dog look wasn't edgy or tragic, it was just awful. As bad boys go, he stank. Make him a grifter, make him a fence, make him a drug dealer, he just came across as a loser. Oh, mercy me! I just remembered he's another victim of Lauren's lack of chemistry too.

Besides, just like his sister Whitney, he always looked as though he needed a scrub.

Ryan came after Dennis and Sean. And failed. 

And there he was on Tuesday, folks, slithering around the corner of that building - and I'm surprised he wasn't on his belly - to look longingly after his sister, Stacey and Lily. Know what? He still looked like a sad loser.

I have the awful feeling that, since the McBusted boy won't commit to the show, that somehow, Ryan (who stabbed one man and is on the run for the murder of another) will slime his way back into this so-called "close community" and settle down with Stacey. She deserves better, just when she's being likeable again. He brought out the worst in her, the nadir of their relationship being their having sex on the bonnet of Dot's car with Lily asleep on the backseat, only to have him return home immediately to Janine, his wife, and bonk her, without as much having had a shower between taking the two women.

Dean is going to be branded a rapist - someone who is a much more interesting character played by a much more talented actor - and will leave the series, whilst drippy Ryan, a murderer (maybe twice over), a drug dealer and a cheat, takes up residence. Go figure.

2. Whitney Rhymes with ****ney. Shut up. Just shut up. First, she needs to wash her hair. Then she needs to shut the whining up and dispense with the self-pity. Why TPTB persist in forcing this pejorative and spent character played by one of the laziest actresses in the show is beyond my ken. She's never been considered anything less than one of Bianca's own since the get-go, and Bianca has repeatedly told her that, even though the snide little beeyatch has undermined Bianca's position as a parent, and stormed off in a huff when Bianca went to prison the first time, because Ricky refused to turf Carol out - remember, Carol, whom Whitney hated because her latest badboy Connor preferred a granny to her?

Pissed off that Stacey called her out on overstepping the mark, she wallows in a mudmire of self-pity. Whining about Bianca and Sonia helping out with Carol and complaining about that - Carol is their mother, and Whitney lives in that house, earns a wage and doesn't even think to contribute to the housekeeping. The most ironic line of the night came when Whitney whined about all Bianca thinks about is herself.

Really, Whitney? And you don't? Those kids consider you their sister, nothing less, but now you have no one, according to you. Worse still, she gets the hump with Lee because he can't drop everything and run to her beck and call, because he's promised his dad he'd help him out at the pub, and all that gets is a sarc-arsed remark from her about his putting family first. Ah, but Whitney isn't appreciative of the fact that Lee's family have bee through major emotional trauma that caused his mother to need some space away from his father for the moment.

If Whitney and Lee are candidates in EastEnders' relentless search for the latest Love's Young Dream, it's another epic fail, at least for Whitney. She's been with so many boys - Todd and dropping Todd for Billie Jackson, Peter Beale and dropping Peter for Connor, Fatboy and dropping him for Tyler, Tyler and cheating on him with Joey - that she's a joke, an even bigger joke than Lauren, whom they regularly present (at the beginning of each or her romantic foibles) as the self-perpetuating virgin. No one cares about Whitney or whom she's with, because she'll be with someone else soon enough.

I liked Lee when he first arrived on the show, but I'm not so sure now. That he moved so seamlessly from the tragedy of Lucy's death into relentlessly pursuing Whitney indicates that he's either amazingly shallow, emotionally immature ... or a psychopath. Take your pick. Any normal girl would be seriously worried or affronted at a man who binned her for a girl who was brutally murdered only to fall back on her as second choice, but not Whitney. She's bagged her man. Mission accomplished.

3. Carter Mathematics. Please. Get your damned stories and backgrounds straight. And your maths. Sitting on a bench at the allotments, nursing bottles of cider, Shirley reminisced with Mick about the time she and Kevin took Mick to "Viccy Park" and got him drunk on cider. Mick asked Shirley how old he was - she reckoned sixteen, he reckoned thirteen.

Well ...

Shirley is fourteen years older than Mick, so if Mick were sixteen, then Shirley was thirty. By thirty, Shirley had long left Kevin. She's 52, he's 38, four years older than Shirley's oldest son with Kevin. So she was 18 when she had JAMES, 21 when Carly was born and 24 when Dean came along, and she left when he was still a baby. Besides, when Mick was 16, he was a dad, the inference being he's too young to drink but not too young to be a father. If Mick's recollection were correct, it would fit in more with the timeline of when Shirley was still with Mick.

Not being a Shirley-shipper, I didn't mind her that much in this episode. Soften her abrasiveness, and she's almost likeable.

4. Not Romeo and Juliet. No, they're TJ and Cindy. I suppose it's actually realistic, but, presented with their predicament, she seemed immensely bored with the fact that she suddenly had a baby, and he's naturally terrified. All very well and good wanting a life after the fact that you've wantonly created another life whose existence now becomes your responsibility. I'll miss TJ, who's a good little actor and bears an uncanny resemblance to David Scarborough, and I'll miss Terry too, but Cindy comes across as a rude, snotty, little upper-class madam with no warmth whatsoever. I get it, we're suppose to empathise with her efforts to be a parent, but she's been such a rude and entitled little wotsit, I feel nothing towards her. I gather she's eventually going to get paired of with Liam. A 21st Century version of Cindy Sr and Ian. She'll run rings around him.

What Was Actually GOOD about This Episode

5. Detective Carol. 

Even though she's got worries enough of her own, Carol's still got Charlie's number, and she wants proof that he's really who he says he is. The dialogue between Charlie and Carol at the kitchen table was electric and poignant at the same time, from Carol's end. Charlie is trying to convince her that, for the first time in his life, he's part of a family (that wo again), and his grandmother was such a warm, kind and loving person. Carol agrees, but reminds him that she's keeping a heart-breaking secret from Dot. Just as Whitney had no right to decide what's good for Lily, Charlie has no right to decide what's right for Dot. Maybe Charlie is sincere about his feelings - he's another Whitney type on the outside looking in - or maybe he's a master manipulator for a reason. Very watchable actor and very intriguing storyline.

6. The Moons. Well. welcome to the world. Albert and Ernest. Traditional, old-fashioned English names. This time, form was followed. Unmarried mother and father both register the boys' names, and set a wedding date. I know Alfie's a popular hate figure, but it seems as if Mo is the principal tenant, and most likely, Alfie may have told her he'd sort the rent out. He's lying to Stacey.

7. Bye Bye Bianca. This is the beginning of the end. I know she's mostly been loud and vile, but I'll miss her. She's been a part of Square history for a long time and is connected to three of the Square's most important families, an important legacy character.

8. The New Improved Stacey. Brilliant character direction. The only adult in the room. The fact that Stacey approached Whitney and apologised for her outburst made Whitney look small. Surprisingly, Stacey was very nice and mature about the entire ordeal, reminding her gently that it was Stacey's place to explain to Lily about Ryan, and also explaining to Whitney that sometimes family ties didn't involve blood kinship either. Stacey's proving bery watchable - just don't bring Ryan back to mess her up again.

9. Denise Denise. The more I think about this scene, the more I'm sorry that Dean is being dispensed with by TPTB. He's genuinely fond of Denise, and so, in her own quirky way, is Shabnam. Denise, like Charlie and Whitney, is having her own moment of isolation and doubt and feeling alone. When Dean gave her a kiss on the cheek, it was really sweet, but is she finding Patrick too much, and will she seek solace in drink? Yet another one to add to Walford's growing list of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thursday 04.09.2014 - Begin the Beguine of Unreality.

The Moons for the Misbegotten. Well, now we do know that Big Mo is the principal tenant. There's been no transfer of tenancy, and this begs the question that if Dot is only allowed one lodger, why isn't Mo? Why does no one shop her? 

I imagine Alfie told Big Mo that he'd take care of the rent and didn't, but now he's saying that Mo would take care of the rent. It's difficult to know who's at fault here, considering Big Mo has been known to cheat on benefits, herself.

What's sad about this whole brouhaha is to see the point to which the Moons have descended. I know Alfie is a popular hate figure at the moment, but people forget what he was like when he first arrived in 2005, which was why I thought the pub scene between him and Mick was so significant. Alfie was the prototype of Mick. Mick is what Alfie was. The scene in the market tonight could have easily been Alfie as Mick helping out a desperate Billy, for example.

The fall of Alfie is down to three people - Bryan Kirkwood, Lorraine Newman and, yes, Dominic Treadwell-Collins. Kirkwood returned the Moons as two strangers in an unbelieveable situation, which only got worse. The Alfie of 2003 had an edge and a darker side to him. Alfie 2010 was a blubbering, crying doormat, who allowed himself to be physically and emotionally abused by Kat, who'd been re-booted as a thoroughly unlikeable bitch.

But whilst Newman forsook everything else to redeem Kat, Alfie was abandoned to a lazy writing room, who found it far easier to write for Shane Richie than to write for the character Alfie Moon, who wasn't Shane Richie and wasn't supposed to be. Enter DTC, with bigger fish to fry than the Moons, who get lumbered with the usual DTC standard - babies - and the usual loser end-of-the-road storyline of financial difficulties, which beset so many characters consigned to the background of eternal hopelessness.

From the getgo, everyone knew that Alfie never worked well on the market, but there he was, on the market, after getting ditched from the pub. For the record, I'm Team Alfie, when it comes to the market situation. Aleks has absolutely no right to take the moral high ground. He's shown himself to be a cheat in more ways than one (pocketing Bianca's and Kat's pitch rent), involved in illegal selling on the market (Bianca's spray tan). He's dishonest, but hate being put in the humiliating situation of having his dishonesty discovered.

Alfie pulled a sickie. Who hasn't? He followed the prescribed procedure and left a voicemail, which should have been logged by either Aleks or Tamwar. The call was, in fact, being logged by Tamwar, until Aleks wiped the tape. As a gesture of revenge for Alfie finding out that he was married and playing Roxy.

Why is Tamwar even in that job, considering that he was caught hacking into Aleks's computer? That's gross misconduct. He openly opposed Aleks in the proposed closure of the market. Again, gross misconduct. Yet he couldn't think to stand the moral high ground over Alek's gross misconduct. Tamwar is a moral coward.

I dread the upcoming fire storyline. I wish the Moons had left after leaving the pub, and for the record, I don't think Kat, who's about to be a disfigured mother of three children under five, eking out a living on a market stall, would work in any other way other than to devokve into the next Bianca.

Just a final word about Alfie's rant to Aleks, which was neither racist nor xenophobic, but the rant of a man, who knows he's been outsmarted by someone just that willing to bend the rules even more for his own purposes, someone in control.

I don't know how many people remember Alfie's initial stint on the programme, where the copper who arranged to have him jailed for credit card fraud appeared. It transpired that the policeman was a bent copper, himself, and that the charges with which Alfie was encumbered were trumped. He put Alfie into an impossible situation, the way Aleks has. In fact, testing memories and listening cognition even further, as someone else pointed out to me, did anyone realise that Aleks actually started Alfie's rant by pointedly remarking "you English". That's as pejorative a remark as any, and I'll bet - in fact, I know - that most of the people who were belloweathering Alfie as a racist, a xenophobe, a candidate for UKIP or even a fascist, have been on the receiving end of some sort of slight to your country or your nationality which makes you want to go onto the defensive. Just saying that Aleks isn't lilywhite.
Oh Carol. I think this is the new, adjusted ending to a storyline that was supposed to emphasize and educate people about genetic cancer. Instead, Carol's cancer is now ending, it's gone - poof! - along with Carol's boobs. The cancer wasn't hormonal (really? She was menopausal), so there won't be any need for chemo or radiotherapy, and it seems to have been conveniently forgotten that Sonia inherited the BRCA gene, so there's no mention of her couselling or any therapy or preventitive examinations, mammograms. Nothing.

Because now begins the non-storyline of Bianca leaving with Terry, whom she now loves. Bianca and Ricky were the ultimate endgame couple, and when Patsy Palmer returns in about three years' time, which she most likely will, what will have become of Terry? Will he be another loser who abandons her and the kids, or will he be a victim of a road crash in which he's copped it, because I can't see Terry Alderton being invited back, as nice as Terry Spraggan is.

And there's the trendy vicar again, complete with body art and placebic comments of comfort, complete with the gift of a copy of the Bible, with instructions that she an "use it as a doorstop." Sorry, I'm not a believer, but I'd have scant faith or trust in a vicar who treats a book of doctrine by which he's supposed to live his life as little more than a doorstop. I hope this is the last we see of the Easy Rider biking vicar. Carol had an epiphany with David - she needn't live her life on the lookout for another man. Her priorities lie elsewhere.

The better part of this vignette centres on her suspicions about Charlie and the grandparent DNA test. I'm pretty sure Charlie is a psychopath, but he's a charming one (they often are), and he's put Carol off her stroke by willingly going along with her request for this test, even though he reminded her that more of this type of DNA testing was unreliable than was proveable - so if the test is inconclusive, he can point this out to her. Dot's discovery of Carol's doubts was downplayed, so certain Dot is of Charlie's goodness. Nick's return is yet another signature long hello, without the mysterious sightings.

I'll be glad to see the back of Tiffany, the 13 year-old done up to the nines, make-up-wise, and playing an eleven year-old. I hope she never returns.

Sonia, in this instance, was almost bearable, but there was more inconsistency in her character. She said she took the morning off her job to accompany Carol, yet when they all returned, the kids had finished school for the day. When does Sonia see her child? Bianca made reference to Sonia sitting about watching television whilst Martin was up to "all sorts," when Sonia seems to be on Albert Square more than she is at home. The obnoxious Tina is back in the frame, binning off any thought of Tosh to pull out a bottle of vodka to swill with Sonia. So Sonia forgets her child, yet again, to neck some booze from the bottle with a one brain-celled court jester. Still, ya gotta get a Carter in a storyline somehow.

Mick infiltrated Alfie's storyline, Tina's now a part of the Jackson-Butcher wind-down, and Dean's a part of Stacey's.

Stacey. Keep up the development. Once again, who does Dean think he is? Obviously, there seems to be a glut on hairdressers in the Square at the moment. Lola's an apprentice, Stacey's become a stylist and a colourist under the name of Jennie Smith, and somewhere along the lines, Dean learned hairdressing.

He's really enjoying lording it over Stacey, but Stacey has the last word always. Loved the way she called him "Dean ... o."

Watching that vignette in the salon makes me angry that Dean is going to be sacrificed at the Carter altar as a rapist. He and Stacey bounced off each other very well, and it would have been interesting watching their banter turn to something else, but I was glad Stacey played the adult and kept her priorities straight - Lily first - but we all know Max is offering her a job for the wrong reasons.

I don't know if the writers intended this (I can't give them any credit because I don't trust them), but the scenes with Dean and Stacey in the salon perfectly illustrate exactly how and why Dean might be acquiring the mindset of someone capable of rape.

Rape is a crime of control and power and exercising that control and power through the sexual act. Thursday's episode illustrated perfectly that Dean is someone who is meticulously in control of every situation. He has Lauren hanging on to provide sex on tap by manipulating her into believing that he wants to be with her. His "trial" for Lola at the salon consisted of getting her to do the most menial tasks in the place - sweeping hair and cleaning; as soon as she ventured to comment on a client's hairstyle, Dean plonked her back into her lowly place. Because he could. On Thursday, he led Stacey to believe he had a post for her and got a day's work free from her. All because he could, being in charge and in control. Every stylist who works for him in his business is a woman, and more than anything on Thursday, he was annoyed that Stacey persisted in calling him "Deano."

Friday 05.09.2014 - The Facepalm Episode.

What Alfie is about to do makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. What can he gain from it? The Council owns the property, so any damage would be claimed by them on their insurance. The only sort of insurance the Moons could have would be contents insurance, but they own nothing of any worth. I know that you can insure your contents up to an amount worth more than you have - people do this, that's why in genuine (and otherwise) bad circumstances, you can net yourself nicer gear than you had before; but if the Moons cannot afford to pay council rent, how can they afford to pay insurance premiums? 

Besides, it's not as if they'd be given a cheque for the inflated value of the contents of the Moon/Slater house,and if Alfie's aim is to get re-housed, the Council won't forget that the Moon/Slaters are in arrears.

Where's Big Mo? She is the principal tenant? I thought she lived in the house with them. Surely, she knows of Alfie's difficulties, and doesn't she get housing benefit? That was the whole ethos of subletting to Eddie Moon and his sons - get a grand in rent and still collect housing benefits.

This storyline is pitted with potholes and it totally, utterly senseless, unless we're being asked to believe that Alfie has taken leave of his senses upon hearing Tosh's insurance scam storyline. He would accomplish nothing.

Look, over 20 years ago, when Sharon and Grant were married, she wanted to re-decorate the Vic, but they had no disposible income and couldn't get a business loan for that purpose because they hadn't been actually in the business for that long. That's why Grant came up with the rat-arsed idea of setting fire to the Vic - a bit of smoke damage throughout, and - Bob's your uncle - Sharon gets to re-decorate courtesy of the insurance company; but the difference was Grant owned the Vic. Alfie owns nothing except a 1983 Capri - a car that, marketed correctly, would bring in a lot more than the 3.5 grand he was asking. Instead of advertising on a cardboard sign outside the house, there is the internet - Auto Trader or E-Bay. He could have netted a small fortune and repaid the arrears if the prices on this website are any guidline.

Look, we all know the endgame of this storyline - the Slater/Moon house going ~boom!~ reminiscent of Mad May's venture and Kat's disfigurement ... or in other words, the return of a staple element of the 2007-2010 Santer regime, of which DTC was a part: senationalism.

Now what did he say about no explosions etc at the beginning of this tenure?

On the upside of this situation - and there's a silver lining in every cloud - Shane Richie played a bloody blinder. I know Alfie is a popular hate figure, whom everyone wants to leave (and well he may), but on his day and used properly, he's one of the strongest actors in the programme. Put it this way, Neil McDermott couldn't have carried those scenes off. Alfie's desperation was palpable.

He's a good man, who's in an utterly hopeless situation that, yes, is his fault, but not entirely. People are too quick to forget that Aleks has a vendetta against Alfie, for exposing him as the dishonest cheat that he is. The final scenes at the barbecue between Mick and Alfie were very good, if for no reason than, juxtaposed, you saw (in Mick) what Alfie was originally intended to be, before a lot of well-meaning EPs panicked and started interfering in the process.

I continue to be impressed with Stacey and the way she handled Max. It was mete that Kat informed her that Max had been bonking Lucy Beale before her death. Stacey now knows that a leopard doesn't change its spots, and she definitely doesn't intend to backslide onto Max. 

As impressed as I was with Stacey, I was even more annoyed with the representatives of the Brat Pack tonight. Abi is bum-clinchingly annoying - snort, giggle. I have a distinct feeling that the move to Bolton won't come about in the end (more's the pity because I think Abi is a character who needs to go),but Jay's apprehension for questioning at the end of the barbecue is a prelude to the return of Ben, because that's where he was going on that night. Meanwhile, back at the Beale Ranch, is it me, or is Cindy bored already with the chores of motherhood? Tough titty. That's what it's all about, girlfriend, and you should have thought about that before you trod the primrose path. She didn't seemed bothered at all, more as if she were waiting for someone like Phil and Sharon, who have experience with small children, to come in and take over. Peter the Prick still has a face like a smacked bum, and who was looking after his stall, pray tell?

As for Emma Summerhayes, the less said, the better. Still say she's the new Stella.

The other good bit about tonight's episode concerned the Jackson/Butchers. Ricky actually got a mention!

Ricky's moved on. How? Where? What's he doing? Is he in another relationship? Because until this time, from Liam's stabbing onward, Ricky has been effectively whitewashed out of existence. At least, they gave us the courtesy of acknowledging that he still exists, because I was ready to explode when Bianca mentioned that she thought she could never trust another guy after Tony, yet when she realised Ricky was "the one", she moved heaven and earth to get him back. Remember how she shopped Sam Mitchell?

Yes, the ending is rushed, and she gets a happy departure with Terry to Milton Keynes, but feck me! Whitney's presumption and arrogance is astounding.

We ain't moving.

As if she spoke for everyone, but it's all about Whitney. It always is. What about Lee? (You know, Lee, the five-minute romance who wants to marry her?) I know Bianca wants all of the kids with her in Milton Keynes, but the truth is that Madame is almost 22 and is an adult. She doesn't have to go to Milton Keynes and can stay with Carol or whoever or Lee, instead of pulling a sulky face for attention.

Bianca and Sonia are as bad as one another, and there were plenty of home truths flying about that room. Carol's just been given the initiall all-clear for her cancer, but she's still feeling psychologically fragile, yet -behind her back - Bianca reconciles with a man, whom she'd brought into the house as a stranger to live with her family, and she was "gonna get round to telling" Carol. When, Bianca? They were leaving the next week. She never once thought to broach the subject the night before with Carol or even to tell Terry that she'd love to come with him and would join him later, when she was certain Carol was coping adequately. Instead, she puts the cart before the horse as usual.

Yet it's true what Bianca said about Sonia. She's jealous that Bianca has someone she loves. I refuse to believe that Martin has become a lout overnight, when we've been through all of this before with Sonia getting bored and looking down her nose at Martin. Carol has every right to be annoyed with Bianca in this situation, but Sonia didn't behave well either.

However, the more interesting aspect is Carol's deepening involvement in the Mystery of Charlie Cotton, who is Charlie Cotton after all, and who is probably a smiling cobra of a psychopath. His attempts to play nice with Carol, showing his concern and his caring side, don't cut any ice with her, and I fear she might subsequently be endangered.

And, finally, we get the ubiquitous Carter scene. Because we rarely have an episode without at least one of the new Brannings and their new matriarch. 


Prelude to an autumn of unreality, retconning and sensationalism.

Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttt.