Things were going swimmingly, like sperm, until the final scene.
Another pregnancy? Again? Really, Dominic? We've had Cindy, Kat (with twins!), Ronnie, Linda, Kim and now Lauren. We've had the baby with the teenaged mum, the twins, the Bride of Frankenstein baby, the baby as a result of rape. We're about to have the premature baby, and now we'll have the secret baby.
And what a hoot, what a classic piece of irony that we send Jacqueline Jossa off on maternity leave, pregnant with the baby whose father just might be or probably is a killer!
Yessir, folks, the man with the baby fetish gives us ... (drum roll, please) ...
... the killer babyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!
That piece of news spoiled the episode.
Roxy, You've Done It Again.
Only this time, it's worse. Roxy's in a relationship of her own, one in which she played the other woman to perfection and broke up a marriage, and this time - unlike before, when Jack and Ronnie were an on-again-off-again phenomenon - she's fanagled up to no less than her sister's husband. (Wanna bet there'll be a baby sometime in the autumn? Of course, there will be ... this is Dominic Treadwell-I-love-babies-Collins, and this, ladies and gents, is the beginning of the Christmas episode when Aleks finds out his son is really Charlie Cotton's and Ronnie bangs Roxy's head, repeatedly on the kitchen table, whereupon Roxy will scream out, I may'ave slept wiv yer'usband, but at least I ain't killed a man, eh, Ron? Remember Carl White?)
Doof ... doof ... doof-doof-doof ... duh-duh-duh ...
I dismissed all the fora skitter last night about how much chemistry CharlieBoy, the Great Emasculated Man, and Roxy have between them - and that's not the only thing they have between them at the moment. In fact, it's only been since the Bride of Frankenstein went into Igor's hospital that CharlieBoy's reached down inside his Y-fronts and discovered that his balls were still there, and not in a jar on Ronnie's bedside table.
Sure, CharlieBoy loves Ronnie as much as Roxy loves her (and Roxy's love for her sister is singularly almost as unhealthy as Ronnie's obsession is about her), which is why they slept together, or are going to do so, unbeknownst to either The Bride of Frankenstein or Aleks. If I hadn't known better, I'd swear this was why CharlieBoy wanted to keep the Bride of Frankenstein comatosed - to enjoy the fruits of her sister.
Roxy is one of the Square's three most abysmal mothers (Kat and Shirley being the other two), and she's also a woman who, like many others, couldn't be without a man. Yet more than any man, more than even her child, Roxy is dependent emotionally upon her sister. They really do share everything, and now they are, yet again, sharing a man. Uh-oh, will yet another child come into the world of Walford with a cousin who's also his/her sibling?
Watch this space.
Oh, and for anyone relishing the thought of a brain-damaged Ronnie, she'll come out of this coma with a fresh manicure, highlights in her hair, tanned, toned and perfectly normal.
The Dirty Girl.
Yep, she's back, she's miserable, and she's broke.
I'm still labouring to figure out how Kat and Stacey, with nary a pot in which to piss between them, garnered Dean's flat. Originally, Aleks was the principal tenant, with Jake Stone flat-sharing. Then Tosh moved in, then Tina and Dean. Then Jake moved out, then Aleks, then Tina and Tosh, leaving Dean with Stacey.
Alfie's concerned about Kat, and here we go again. Stacey tells him Kat's been cutting down portions so the children would have more to eat. Poor Kat ... she looks so undernourished, especially her tits. Understandably, she won't dip into Harry's fund, but Alfie's getting money from someplace, and she will neither accept money from him nor will she allow him to see his children. (Alfie needs a lawyer, Kat needs to grow the fuck up).
So Alfie gets some grub off Ian and fixes Kat a slap-up lunch, and before long, she's warming to his charms. He even asks her to go to Ian's wedding with him - hey, I thought he'd asked Donna, who'd accepted.
To be brutally honest, I'm very much over the Moons in general. It's not rocket science to know that their so-called big story is going to be just another break-up-make-up variation on Kirkwood's version of the Moons. Kat's skint, but she can scrape up enough money to drink herself drunk, and once again, as the proverbial Dirty Girl, instead of Alfie left caring for the kid, we've got Stacey and Big Mo doing the honours.
Look, get them back together and get them out of Walford. In the run up to the show's 30th Anniversary, let's pause and remember how one of their chosen Executive Producers totally rubbished two iconic characters to the point where they are irrevocably damaged.
The Old Lag.
Dot wants her cake and wants to eat it too. It's understandable that she would love Nick. He's her son, after all, and that love is unconditional. But Nick's been back since October, and already Dot's lied to all and sundry, harboured a criminal, and bought drugs, whilst the husband of one of her oldest friends is set up for murder. You have to wonder what Dot hopes to gain from this. Nick certainly can't stay indefinitely in the ruins of the Slater house next door, and he can't go on hiding out with her. What is definite is that Nick wants a fix, and when Nick is desperate, nothing stops him getting what he wants, even if that means banging on the wall and attracting the attention of Arthur and CharlieBoy.
Another easy lie jumps to Dot's lips - the banging on the wall were "air locks" in the waterpipes next door. And whilst she's reluctant to buy heroin for Nick (something she's bought before), Nick reminds her of what might happen if he doesn't get his
So off Dot trots, bobble-heading all the way, to buy some heroin for Nick, after explicitly lying to Arthur, who follows her, and then she lies to him some more.
She refused to get heroin for Nick, and she's going to call Nick up and tell him that she didn't get him anything (pause for dramatic and sympathy-inducing effect) and then she'd never hear from him again.
The clock is ticking for Old Nick.
The Latest Secret.
As well as babies, DTC loves secrets, and the baby and the secret are one and the same and yet another. Follow me? Now I'm wondering what set Lauren on a binge drinking session - was it finding out who killed Lucy or thinking that she was pregnant or both? Lauren found out that Peter killed Lucy and now she's pregnant by him ... is that it?
You know, with Lauren's facile lie about having spent the night at Peter's and having eaten a dodgy curry would be checked out and fact-checked by Abi, who's hot on her heels, as well as Max, who does yet another shouting session, standing over her in public at the cafe. There's Lauren and her troubles, and then there are the happy clappy Beales, who are so happy and smug in their happiness that you almost want them to be slapped silly back into reality, because somewhere in that room, amongst Bobby the Beaver, Ian, Jane and Peter, there's a killer and his accomplice, and it ain't Ian or Bobby.
I don't know about you, but Peter and Jane looked pretty pleased with themselves. Jane the Queen even deigned to kiss Ian, as she walked across the floorboard hiding DNA evidence of Lucy's death.
But back to Lauren. She takes her troubles to Stacey, after having busybody Pam intervene. As soon as Pam said that Lauren had almost fainted, I smelled the distinctive whiff of yet another pregnancy. Fair dos to DTC, he framed this cleverly - now the question is: Just what did Lauren tell Stacey? Was it just about the pregnancy, or did she tell her about the evidence she'd found.
Stacey now knows something ... but what?
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