I remember a time when the BBC would do anything to accommodate EastEnders. It mattered not that there were World Cups or rugby games or FA Cup ties or any of the assorted reasons we've got lately whereby EastEnders has been shunted from pillar to post.
Time was, this was the BBC's flagship show. Now it can't even make the cover of the soap or TV mags. Look at those publications and all you see is Corrie or Emmerdale, and that stands to reason. Coronation Street, which is recently coming off a long bad stretch that was Stuart Blackburn and emerging into the daylight provided by the woman known as Queen Kate - oddly enough, Blackburn's re-surfaced as a writer on Emmerdale; and Emmerdale is just, quite simply, good.
That's something that genuinely cannot be said about EastEnders at the moment. It simply isn't good. The easiest assessment would be merely to say that the show has lost its way.
There, I said it. It's lost its way. Really and truly. It meandered through unchartered territory for a year or so as Bryan Kirkwood channeled Hollyoaks. It tried love and warmth with Lorraine Newman. Then it allowed DTC and Alex Lamb to gut its soul and re-write established histories to suit their own agenda, but Sean O'Connor?
I don't know what he wants to do. Characters were unlikable under DTC's regime; they're even moreso now. It wasn't enough for DTC to re-set, unbelievably so, the backstories of Sharon, Phil and Kat; it wasn't enough for him to trash the characters of the show's most important original and/or iconic characters. O'Connor went one step further. He not only re-cast a character who should never have been re-cast at all - because to many a viewer, Michelle Fowler is Susan Tully's interpretation - he had to make her a statutory rapist and sex offender. Because of this, the fact that viewers who have known this programme only since the Millennium will now forever think of MIchelle Fowler as a neurotic, weak and wavering woman who slept with an underaged child.
And that's disgusting.
Both episodes were predictably bad, with many bad performances, but a few, odd good moments, and I suppose that this is all we have to look forward to now as viewers - the few, odd good moments in amongst a lot of detritus.
Ben and His Gang. At the risk of being shouted down, I have to say that Jamie Borthwick stank in both these episodes, but as I said, he had his odd, good moment - and that came when he ran into Star/Linzi at Ben's birthday party - sorry, at the 'owse pah'ee.
I can't believe we spent the better part of the first scene between Ben and Jay with a mindless discussion about the definition of the term "house party", pronounced 'owse pah'ee. In fact, that scene boiled down to a competition between the two of them to see who could sound the most Cockney; and in the end, Jamie Borthwick gave up and just spoke ordinary Estuary.
Mixed up with the party piece was the involvement of the yoof contingent, featuring Sniggle and Snaggle and their assorted schoolboy thug mates. And, of course, Rebecca RedNose.
There were some definite positives about the Ben segments of the two episodes - the re-appearance of Star/Linzi and the introduction of a new character, a dodgy friend of Ben's and Jay's about whom we've never heard - Tom.
First the return of Star, who was formerly a close friend of Rebecca's and who's come to Rebecca's aid in offering her the hand of friendship they previously had. We learned tonight that Star was, herself, the object of collective bullying and humiliation by the likes of Sniggle and Snaggle and their creatures. For Rebecca's benefit, she puts a new take on the bullies' ire: They're simply jealous of Rebecca; after all, she's bagged not only Shakil (as if he would be a catch) and what they perceive to be a hunky American.
Star knows Jay will be at Ben's party; it's basically the reason she goes, and just as she arrives, we see Jay chatting up none other than the brainless Sniggle, but he stops in his tracks as soon as he sees Star.
There is something highly ironic about these episodes, in that each episode featured a registered sex offender and their respective victims. In the first episode, Jay was brought face to face with Star, whilst he was in the middle of chatting up yet another underaged girl, whose age he never bothered to question. What stops him from going any further with the brainless Sniggle is seeing Star, who - at least - is honest enough to admit that she wanted to see him. Jay reminds her that he's on a sex offenders' list because of her and wants her to leave. Then Star hands him his arse.
You want to kick her out and all? (Indicating Sniggle)
Because the girl you were chatting to is fifteen. You knew what you were doing, and you're doing it again.
By Jay's estimation, Star had ruined his life, but did she? She deftly pointed out to Jay how precipitious he was, imposing himself on a girl with a view to chatting her up and never imagining to ask her her age. For some unbelievable reason, Jay thought Sniggle was a student at university. It wasn't Star who ruined Jay's life. She was just a kid who was caught up in the attention given her by an older lad. Jay's life was ruined by never having the gumption to ask, during all their association, what Star's age was.
Second positive: Tom. I don't know who he is; we've never heard of him in relation to Ben or Jay, but it seems to me that he's more or less a permutation of Micky Miller, the way he was when he was first introduced. He's a chancer, a dodgy lad - the typical cheeky, chirpy chappie who comes by things which have fallen off the back of a lorry or acquired from a man behind the bar of a pub.
Are there still people like that today? He seemed like someone from the 80s, but you know what? I liked him, and that just shows you how much this show is crying out for new characters - Konrad, the Polish shopkeeper, Panit the Cockney Thai cook, Tom the dodgy bloke ... anyone who'll relieve us from the gaggle of onerous numpties we're forced to watch four times a week. Of course, the comedy was forced with Tom - he took a shine to Abi, whom he called "Blondie" because he couldn't remember her name, which prompted Abi to dump him there and then.
Another reason this character intrigued me is because his introduction reminded me of how EastEnders used to introduce characters. The characters of Nigel Bates, Tiffany Raymond and Mickey Miller all began as incidental, recurrent characters who started out as friends of various established characters (Grant Mitchell, Bianca Jackson, Spencer Moon). They showed up here and there and as the public responded positively toward them, they were given permanent slots on the show. I hope we see Tom again.
There was another positive about this segment, and that was the scene outside the café where Kathy gave Ben Albert Beale's St Christopher's medal, telling him that it belonged to Pete's and Pauline's father. Immediately she did this, it hit me that Ben isn't actually a part of the Beale family and that he recognised, immediately, Ben protested that Ian should have this, but Kathy insisted that this was her gift to Ben.
I know a lot of people don't like Ben, but I do; and I like him with Kathy; and once again, the prickly nature of his relationship with Phil was brought out, even with Phil not there - the fact that he was waiting all day for a phone call or acknowledgement from Phil, and he thought none had come, only to find out that Phil had dropped his phone and couldn't remember any telephone number except the landline at the Arches and had been trying to reach Ben all day. Ben got the ubiquitous envelope of money, most probably provided from Coker and Sons' petty cash.
The downside of this segment, part of which lasted over two episodes, was the non-romance between Ben and Johnny being drunkenly consummated, only to find that in the light of day, the morning after, neither wanted a relationship.
That's all fair and good - a Ben-Johnny pairing would have been too obvious; but they should have parted as mates in the café and that was that. Instead, when Ben deems Johnny "too square" for his liking, there arises some ridiculous challenge where Ben dares Johnny to steal cutlery from the café, and then they end up nicking traffic cones.
Go figure. From maturity to immaturity in one, inexplicable fell swoop.
Oh, and Rebecca got drunk on a school night and appeared to be fully recovered, no hangover, the next day. These two episodes further served to remind me that, whilst she did a passable performance with the bullying storyline last week, Jasmine Armfield is yet another very weak actress.
LindaLite and the Hubba Hubbards. Whitney rigged a pub quiz because she knew Kim, as the winner, would be likeliest to invest in a bottle of bubbly (in the fridge) and have the Vic's till ringing off the hook.
Yeah, sure.
On the one side, we had a ridiculous pub quiz featuring Kim and her inane answers - thinking a football season was "season" as in summer, winter, spring or autumn. I really cannot see how Vincent puts up with her. And Denise must have the GCSE which covers every aspect of English literature right up to doctorate level, as she's able to identify quotes by obscure poets as part of her agenda.
I hate the Fox sisters, O'Connor's designated successors to the dead Blisters. I don't know what's worse - the pair of them fighting on and on about the same damned thing, or the pair of them bickering in what we're supposed to think is a comic way, but eliciting no laughs, about what boils down to Kim wanting to drink and have fun and Denise who wants some sort of higher pursuit, but who ends up drinking in the company of Kush.
Kush must be some sort of masochist. Shabnam, as much as I like her, could be a tough nut to crack; his mother, a self-absorbed Queen Bitch who shows no quarter and now, he's linking up with the most arrogant, self-entitled, disdainful and ungrateful characters on the Square.
On the management side, we get to see Whitney pretending to be Linda, and Mick bantering cosily with her whilst putting Linda off on the telephone. She acts as though she's mistress of the house and landlady at the Vic already, and no matter how much of a moral high ground she assumes, she's ready and willing for Mick to drop his guard and invite her into his bed.
Whitney and Lauren Talk at Each Other Again. It dawned on me tonight that for all her extemporaneous moralising, Whitney is jealous of Lauren, and Lauren is doing the same thing with Whitney that Tanya used to do with Jane.
Tanya had an obvious drink problem and would often find herself drinking alone at odd times of the day. Countless times, she used Jane to go on a bender to mask the fact that she had to binge drink. Tonight, Lauren used Whitney as the gooseberry in her attempt to find the photocopier bloke who gave her his number.
You see where all this is leading?
Lauren lost her phone, so she couldn't call or text Josh; but Mick found the phone whilst tidying up the pub, down the cushions of a booth and put it in the Lost Property box. Who's to bet that Steven happens to see the phone, recognise it as Lauren's and ring the number?
Anyway, Lauren is in what's supposed to be a committed relationship with a man who's devoted to her and to her son. Lauren is bored by her domestic situation and feels that, apart from her son, she has nothing to live for. Like all the other Brannings, she's selfish and puts herself and her own needs first. She's so bored with Steven, she can't even be bothered to answer the questions he directly asks her. She feels he doesn't give her the attention she feels she deserves.
I have no doubt that he loves her, albeit for all the wrong reasons; and I still think he's closeted. You cannot ask an audience to reset their mindset about a character whose coming-out a decade ago was a pretty big deal, as well as his quirky mental instability. But her sense of entitlement infuriates me. For example, when she informed Steven that she and Whitney were having a girls' night out - indeed, they were making a whole day of getting ready together - Steven ventured a question about Louis, and Lauren replied:-
I've told Kathy she could babysit Louis for the day.
Sorry, but she told Kathy? Kathy isn't her servant at her beck and call. She isn't even Steven's grandmother, but she is, indeed, Louis's great-grandmother, and she shouldn't have to be told to do anything by Lauren. It's not her remit to look after this child, and the way Lauren worded this, it was clear that Kathy didn't volunteer for this, she was told by Lauren.
Lauren needs to understand one thing: There is no more territorial person in Walford than Ian Beale, moreso even than the Mitchells. And the only thing tying Lauren to any obligation on Ian's part is Louis. Ian's fond of Steven again. Indeed, he's the only one of Ian's children who will give him the time of day, so if Lauren goes messing him about, she's out. And Louis? Well, Ian would fight tooth and nail for the custody of that child because and wouldn't stint on portraying Lauren as unfit.
Lauren's in a relationship and looking for sex on the side; Whitney is hankering afer a married man. She's jealous because Lauren is throwing aside everything she has with Steven and is taking a risk of losing it, running after a strange bloke. Whitney has literally made herself Mick's wife in all ways but one. She cleans the kitchen, irons his clothes, banters with him in the Vic with the same tones and intimations that Linda uses.
In remonstrating with Lauren on Lauren's behaviour, she's really ticking herself off because of the feelings she has for Mick.
In the meantime, she bins Steven off to spend time with Max, who can't even be bothered to meet him in the Vic. It's Steven who helps him deal with Ricky and Amy and swears that he's serious about continuing with Lauren.
Actually, Lauren doesn't deserve Steven, and Linda needs to come home.
The Return of the Prodigal. This story goes on stinking up the place. I'm beginning to believe that Michelle lives in her own little fantasy world, where she didn't commit a crime with Preston and where she's still capable of entering the world of professional education.
She must be maxed out on credit cards by now because she's on the phone begging for more time to pay something. She's also waiting to hear from a potential interview as a teaching assistant when Prestonovich returns and wants to go out, but Michelle is skint.
He strips down for action - hot sex in the Mitchell house just at the time when the kids could return from school, when she gets word that her interview has been cancelled because she's "over-qualified."
Once again, it's the realisation that her professional life is at an end that brings her down to earth about what her association with Preston has achieved, and she rejects him. He reacts like a spoiled child and storms off, but not before snaking a six-pack of beer from the Mitchell fridge, which isn't supposed to be there anyway. In short, he acts like a spoiled brat.
Michelle, in the meantime, tries to talk to Tim, when Dennis returns from school and overhears her arguing with Tim for money. Once again, Bleu Landau steals the show. Their dialogue is priceless.
Michelle: How long have you been there?
Dennis: Long enough to know that you're a loser.
Michelle: Go to your room!
Dennis: This is my house. You can't tell me what to do.
Michelle: Get upstairs, now!
Dennis: Stop telling me what to do, or I'll call the police. (Pause) I know what you are.
Wow, has he got her pegged! So whilst Preston saunters off to get drunk and chat up Rebecca, Michelle grabs a bottle and goes to cry and drink at the allotments,where she meets Martin.
She whines about being middle-aged and useless yadda yadda, but it still bloody stumps me that Martin has never once queried why she's here and why she has left Tim. He must know Tim, and he'd surely be curious about what ended her marriage, at least her side of the story. And siblings are nosy enough to have rung Tim or Mark and to have got to the bottom of why she's there. Instead, they have him doltishly accepting that she's returned to Walford after an absence of twenty years. That's just one of the many weaknesses of this story.
At least the continuing theme of Preston's misadventures emphasized the fact that he still is too young to buy booze or be served at a bar in this country - Rebecca immediately wanted to know how he was able to buy the beer he had, and Mick was quick enough to turf him out of the pub because he was underaged. Again, how would Mick know this? He was introduced to Walford as a friend of Mark's so naturally people would assume he was twenty, yet Mick knew he was seventeen.
Again, go figure.
Time was, this was the BBC's flagship show. Now it can't even make the cover of the soap or TV mags. Look at those publications and all you see is Corrie or Emmerdale, and that stands to reason. Coronation Street, which is recently coming off a long bad stretch that was Stuart Blackburn and emerging into the daylight provided by the woman known as Queen Kate - oddly enough, Blackburn's re-surfaced as a writer on Emmerdale; and Emmerdale is just, quite simply, good.
That's something that genuinely cannot be said about EastEnders at the moment. It simply isn't good. The easiest assessment would be merely to say that the show has lost its way.
There, I said it. It's lost its way. Really and truly. It meandered through unchartered territory for a year or so as Bryan Kirkwood channeled Hollyoaks. It tried love and warmth with Lorraine Newman. Then it allowed DTC and Alex Lamb to gut its soul and re-write established histories to suit their own agenda, but Sean O'Connor?
I don't know what he wants to do. Characters were unlikable under DTC's regime; they're even moreso now. It wasn't enough for DTC to re-set, unbelievably so, the backstories of Sharon, Phil and Kat; it wasn't enough for him to trash the characters of the show's most important original and/or iconic characters. O'Connor went one step further. He not only re-cast a character who should never have been re-cast at all - because to many a viewer, Michelle Fowler is Susan Tully's interpretation - he had to make her a statutory rapist and sex offender. Because of this, the fact that viewers who have known this programme only since the Millennium will now forever think of MIchelle Fowler as a neurotic, weak and wavering woman who slept with an underaged child.
And that's disgusting.
Both episodes were predictably bad, with many bad performances, but a few, odd good moments, and I suppose that this is all we have to look forward to now as viewers - the few, odd good moments in amongst a lot of detritus.
Ben and His Gang. At the risk of being shouted down, I have to say that Jamie Borthwick stank in both these episodes, but as I said, he had his odd, good moment - and that came when he ran into Star/Linzi at Ben's birthday party - sorry, at the 'owse pah'ee.
I can't believe we spent the better part of the first scene between Ben and Jay with a mindless discussion about the definition of the term "house party", pronounced 'owse pah'ee. In fact, that scene boiled down to a competition between the two of them to see who could sound the most Cockney; and in the end, Jamie Borthwick gave up and just spoke ordinary Estuary.
Mixed up with the party piece was the involvement of the yoof contingent, featuring Sniggle and Snaggle and their assorted schoolboy thug mates. And, of course, Rebecca RedNose.
There were some definite positives about the Ben segments of the two episodes - the re-appearance of Star/Linzi and the introduction of a new character, a dodgy friend of Ben's and Jay's about whom we've never heard - Tom.
First the return of Star, who was formerly a close friend of Rebecca's and who's come to Rebecca's aid in offering her the hand of friendship they previously had. We learned tonight that Star was, herself, the object of collective bullying and humiliation by the likes of Sniggle and Snaggle and their creatures. For Rebecca's benefit, she puts a new take on the bullies' ire: They're simply jealous of Rebecca; after all, she's bagged not only Shakil (as if he would be a catch) and what they perceive to be a hunky American.
Star knows Jay will be at Ben's party; it's basically the reason she goes, and just as she arrives, we see Jay chatting up none other than the brainless Sniggle, but he stops in his tracks as soon as he sees Star.
There is something highly ironic about these episodes, in that each episode featured a registered sex offender and their respective victims. In the first episode, Jay was brought face to face with Star, whilst he was in the middle of chatting up yet another underaged girl, whose age he never bothered to question. What stops him from going any further with the brainless Sniggle is seeing Star, who - at least - is honest enough to admit that she wanted to see him. Jay reminds her that he's on a sex offenders' list because of her and wants her to leave. Then Star hands him his arse.
You want to kick her out and all? (Indicating Sniggle)
Because the girl you were chatting to is fifteen. You knew what you were doing, and you're doing it again.
By Jay's estimation, Star had ruined his life, but did she? She deftly pointed out to Jay how precipitious he was, imposing himself on a girl with a view to chatting her up and never imagining to ask her her age. For some unbelievable reason, Jay thought Sniggle was a student at university. It wasn't Star who ruined Jay's life. She was just a kid who was caught up in the attention given her by an older lad. Jay's life was ruined by never having the gumption to ask, during all their association, what Star's age was.
Second positive: Tom. I don't know who he is; we've never heard of him in relation to Ben or Jay, but it seems to me that he's more or less a permutation of Micky Miller, the way he was when he was first introduced. He's a chancer, a dodgy lad - the typical cheeky, chirpy chappie who comes by things which have fallen off the back of a lorry or acquired from a man behind the bar of a pub.
Are there still people like that today? He seemed like someone from the 80s, but you know what? I liked him, and that just shows you how much this show is crying out for new characters - Konrad, the Polish shopkeeper, Panit the Cockney Thai cook, Tom the dodgy bloke ... anyone who'll relieve us from the gaggle of onerous numpties we're forced to watch four times a week. Of course, the comedy was forced with Tom - he took a shine to Abi, whom he called "Blondie" because he couldn't remember her name, which prompted Abi to dump him there and then.
Another reason this character intrigued me is because his introduction reminded me of how EastEnders used to introduce characters. The characters of Nigel Bates, Tiffany Raymond and Mickey Miller all began as incidental, recurrent characters who started out as friends of various established characters (Grant Mitchell, Bianca Jackson, Spencer Moon). They showed up here and there and as the public responded positively toward them, they were given permanent slots on the show. I hope we see Tom again.
There was another positive about this segment, and that was the scene outside the café where Kathy gave Ben Albert Beale's St Christopher's medal, telling him that it belonged to Pete's and Pauline's father. Immediately she did this, it hit me that Ben isn't actually a part of the Beale family and that he recognised, immediately, Ben protested that Ian should have this, but Kathy insisted that this was her gift to Ben.
I know a lot of people don't like Ben, but I do; and I like him with Kathy; and once again, the prickly nature of his relationship with Phil was brought out, even with Phil not there - the fact that he was waiting all day for a phone call or acknowledgement from Phil, and he thought none had come, only to find out that Phil had dropped his phone and couldn't remember any telephone number except the landline at the Arches and had been trying to reach Ben all day. Ben got the ubiquitous envelope of money, most probably provided from Coker and Sons' petty cash.
The downside of this segment, part of which lasted over two episodes, was the non-romance between Ben and Johnny being drunkenly consummated, only to find that in the light of day, the morning after, neither wanted a relationship.
That's all fair and good - a Ben-Johnny pairing would have been too obvious; but they should have parted as mates in the café and that was that. Instead, when Ben deems Johnny "too square" for his liking, there arises some ridiculous challenge where Ben dares Johnny to steal cutlery from the café, and then they end up nicking traffic cones.
Go figure. From maturity to immaturity in one, inexplicable fell swoop.
Oh, and Rebecca got drunk on a school night and appeared to be fully recovered, no hangover, the next day. These two episodes further served to remind me that, whilst she did a passable performance with the bullying storyline last week, Jasmine Armfield is yet another very weak actress.
LindaLite and the Hubba Hubbards. Whitney rigged a pub quiz because she knew Kim, as the winner, would be likeliest to invest in a bottle of bubbly (in the fridge) and have the Vic's till ringing off the hook.
Yeah, sure.
On the one side, we had a ridiculous pub quiz featuring Kim and her inane answers - thinking a football season was "season" as in summer, winter, spring or autumn. I really cannot see how Vincent puts up with her. And Denise must have the GCSE which covers every aspect of English literature right up to doctorate level, as she's able to identify quotes by obscure poets as part of her agenda.
I hate the Fox sisters, O'Connor's designated successors to the dead Blisters. I don't know what's worse - the pair of them fighting on and on about the same damned thing, or the pair of them bickering in what we're supposed to think is a comic way, but eliciting no laughs, about what boils down to Kim wanting to drink and have fun and Denise who wants some sort of higher pursuit, but who ends up drinking in the company of Kush.
Kush must be some sort of masochist. Shabnam, as much as I like her, could be a tough nut to crack; his mother, a self-absorbed Queen Bitch who shows no quarter and now, he's linking up with the most arrogant, self-entitled, disdainful and ungrateful characters on the Square.
On the management side, we get to see Whitney pretending to be Linda, and Mick bantering cosily with her whilst putting Linda off on the telephone. She acts as though she's mistress of the house and landlady at the Vic already, and no matter how much of a moral high ground she assumes, she's ready and willing for Mick to drop his guard and invite her into his bed.
Whitney and Lauren Talk at Each Other Again. It dawned on me tonight that for all her extemporaneous moralising, Whitney is jealous of Lauren, and Lauren is doing the same thing with Whitney that Tanya used to do with Jane.
Tanya had an obvious drink problem and would often find herself drinking alone at odd times of the day. Countless times, she used Jane to go on a bender to mask the fact that she had to binge drink. Tonight, Lauren used Whitney as the gooseberry in her attempt to find the photocopier bloke who gave her his number.
You see where all this is leading?
Lauren lost her phone, so she couldn't call or text Josh; but Mick found the phone whilst tidying up the pub, down the cushions of a booth and put it in the Lost Property box. Who's to bet that Steven happens to see the phone, recognise it as Lauren's and ring the number?
Anyway, Lauren is in what's supposed to be a committed relationship with a man who's devoted to her and to her son. Lauren is bored by her domestic situation and feels that, apart from her son, she has nothing to live for. Like all the other Brannings, she's selfish and puts herself and her own needs first. She's so bored with Steven, she can't even be bothered to answer the questions he directly asks her. She feels he doesn't give her the attention she feels she deserves.
I have no doubt that he loves her, albeit for all the wrong reasons; and I still think he's closeted. You cannot ask an audience to reset their mindset about a character whose coming-out a decade ago was a pretty big deal, as well as his quirky mental instability. But her sense of entitlement infuriates me. For example, when she informed Steven that she and Whitney were having a girls' night out - indeed, they were making a whole day of getting ready together - Steven ventured a question about Louis, and Lauren replied:-
I've told Kathy she could babysit Louis for the day.
Sorry, but she told Kathy? Kathy isn't her servant at her beck and call. She isn't even Steven's grandmother, but she is, indeed, Louis's great-grandmother, and she shouldn't have to be told to do anything by Lauren. It's not her remit to look after this child, and the way Lauren worded this, it was clear that Kathy didn't volunteer for this, she was told by Lauren.
Lauren needs to understand one thing: There is no more territorial person in Walford than Ian Beale, moreso even than the Mitchells. And the only thing tying Lauren to any obligation on Ian's part is Louis. Ian's fond of Steven again. Indeed, he's the only one of Ian's children who will give him the time of day, so if Lauren goes messing him about, she's out. And Louis? Well, Ian would fight tooth and nail for the custody of that child because and wouldn't stint on portraying Lauren as unfit.
Lauren's in a relationship and looking for sex on the side; Whitney is hankering afer a married man. She's jealous because Lauren is throwing aside everything she has with Steven and is taking a risk of losing it, running after a strange bloke. Whitney has literally made herself Mick's wife in all ways but one. She cleans the kitchen, irons his clothes, banters with him in the Vic with the same tones and intimations that Linda uses.
In remonstrating with Lauren on Lauren's behaviour, she's really ticking herself off because of the feelings she has for Mick.
In the meantime, she bins Steven off to spend time with Max, who can't even be bothered to meet him in the Vic. It's Steven who helps him deal with Ricky and Amy and swears that he's serious about continuing with Lauren.
Actually, Lauren doesn't deserve Steven, and Linda needs to come home.
The Return of the Prodigal. This story goes on stinking up the place. I'm beginning to believe that Michelle lives in her own little fantasy world, where she didn't commit a crime with Preston and where she's still capable of entering the world of professional education.
She must be maxed out on credit cards by now because she's on the phone begging for more time to pay something. She's also waiting to hear from a potential interview as a teaching assistant when Prestonovich returns and wants to go out, but Michelle is skint.
He strips down for action - hot sex in the Mitchell house just at the time when the kids could return from school, when she gets word that her interview has been cancelled because she's "over-qualified."
Once again, it's the realisation that her professional life is at an end that brings her down to earth about what her association with Preston has achieved, and she rejects him. He reacts like a spoiled child and storms off, but not before snaking a six-pack of beer from the Mitchell fridge, which isn't supposed to be there anyway. In short, he acts like a spoiled brat.
Michelle, in the meantime, tries to talk to Tim, when Dennis returns from school and overhears her arguing with Tim for money. Once again, Bleu Landau steals the show. Their dialogue is priceless.
Michelle: How long have you been there?
Dennis: Long enough to know that you're a loser.
Michelle: Go to your room!
Dennis: This is my house. You can't tell me what to do.
Michelle: Get upstairs, now!
Dennis: Stop telling me what to do, or I'll call the police. (Pause) I know what you are.
Wow, has he got her pegged! So whilst Preston saunters off to get drunk and chat up Rebecca, Michelle grabs a bottle and goes to cry and drink at the allotments,where she meets Martin.
She whines about being middle-aged and useless yadda yadda, but it still bloody stumps me that Martin has never once queried why she's here and why she has left Tim. He must know Tim, and he'd surely be curious about what ended her marriage, at least her side of the story. And siblings are nosy enough to have rung Tim or Mark and to have got to the bottom of why she's there. Instead, they have him doltishly accepting that she's returned to Walford after an absence of twenty years. That's just one of the many weaknesses of this story.
At least the continuing theme of Preston's misadventures emphasized the fact that he still is too young to buy booze or be served at a bar in this country - Rebecca immediately wanted to know how he was able to buy the beer he had, and Mick was quick enough to turf him out of the pub because he was underaged. Again, how would Mick know this? He was introduced to Walford as a friend of Mark's so naturally people would assume he was twenty, yet Mick knew he was seventeen.
Again, go figure.
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