Guilt, Pride and Diabetes - Review:- Monday 22.05.2017

I gave that episode a solid 5 out of 10 for one reason and one reason only: Linda Henry.

Henry is the best actress in the show, but she isn't served up to us on a plate four times a week, occupying most of the screen time during the 30 minutes or so. The show knows when to use Henry and when to play to her strengths. 

If this producer is choking us on a diet of Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise, he's also tempting us with titbits of Shirley at her best.

As in tonight's episode, it only served to show us what a real gem Shirley's become, in knowing how, when and how much to use the character as opposed to the rank item of overkill the newest star of the show has become.

The Background Bits. O'Connor is a sneak of the greatest proportion. He has little seemingly insigniicant scenes playing along in the background which, we know, will escalate into something of grander proportions later on - or so he hopes.

Some of the things of note:-

• Stacey's suffering morning sickness as Rebecca prepares for her first GCSE. Stacey and Martin have decided to allow Kush weekly access to Arthur. I get the impression that, even though he goes along with what Stacey wants, Martin isn't overly chuffed at the idea. That's understandable. He's known the Kazemis longer, and I think he knows that this is just one step further to Carmel making a stand. I also wonder if Stacey's doing this now that she knows she's having Martin's baby, which makes me think something about this pregnancy is bound to go wrong - and I mean "wrong" as in Lynne Slater wrong. I hope not. At least, for starters, they are only allowing Kush a couple of hours a week at Arthur's bedtime. We'll see where this leads.
• Honey is planning a housewarming party. Billy's got what would seem to be a good-paying job in managing Les's business in Walford, and I don't imagine Less would stint in paying him badly; but it's incongruous that Billy and Honey have to depend on the kindness of their neighbours in furnishing their flat with someone else's cast-offs. I liked the exchange between Honey and Stacey, and I'd encourage that friendship, but Honey taking parental advice from Michelle, who - by all accounts - has been as big a cock-up as a parent as she was a teacher. One child is on the other side of the globe not speaking to her, and the other is in Florida, doing the same. May we never see either again. At least, however, Michelle has swallowed her pride and accepted a job, any job, to get her out in the world and working again.
• Did I hear correctly that Keegan's mother is moving? Where would that be, pray tell? There was mention of a queue of people waiting outside the old Slater house for viewings, but I thought that house had been turned into flats. Isn't that where Shirley and Tina lived with Sylvie? But wait ... does that mean that Keegan is also to move to the Square as part of another brood? He's certainly not part of the Taylor clan, and it's also clear that he has unfinished business with, yes, you guessed it, the star of the show Her Imperial Majesty Queen Denise the Po-Faced. By the way, shorn of the man bun, Shakil looks good.

Two Men, a Baby and Snidely Whiplash. I can't really believe that Dot would expect her grandson, one of the few blood relatives she has, to relinquish custody of his child to the husband of the woman whom he had formerly married and who treated him like a prize piece of shit.

Dot's blood kin in this world are few and far between. We can count them on one hand - her sister, Rose; her nephew, Andrew; her granddaughter Kirstie/Dottie; her grandson,Charlie; and her great-grandson, Matthew.

I'm beginning to think that the only reason she wants Jack to have Matthew is because she can see him every day. This pithy excuse of Jack and his children being the only life Matthew has known, might hold a grain of sand if Matthew were ten or twelve, but he's not. He's a two year-old. In no time, he would adjust to Charlie, Charlie's wife and a new life in Ireland. Just what sort of gentleman's agreement does she expect Jack and Charlie to foment. Jack wants Charlie's son, not just because he's Ronnie's son (although that's a big part of Jack's reason for being fixated on the child) but also because he's transferring all his unresolved feelings for James onto Matthew. As much as Jack can say that Matthew is "his and Ronnie's" child, he's not. This is not a second shot at James, because it's not; and the way things seem at the moment, Jack is investing all his emotion into this child and leaving precious little for the two kids who do, genuinely, belong to him. But those kids are different. One is the result of angry sex, and the other is the result of a mindless fling. He loved neither of their mothers, and although he may be fond of these kids, it wouldn't hurt him half as much if Sam turned up on his door tomorrow to claim Ricky or Glenda took custody of Amy, as much as the idea of Charlie having custody of his own flesh and blood.

I wondered to whom Dot was making that early morning call. Initially, I had thought she was contacting the Rev Mr Stephens, but it seems she was, misguidedly, turning to the villain of the piece, Max. I also hate her repeated assertions that Charlie is a "good man ... deep down."

What the fuck?! Charlie is a good man. He loves the bones of Matthew. He looked after him single-handedly, even when Ronnie had recovered and was bored with the routine of actually being a mother. This was the woman, remember, who forgot her own son's first birthday and had to be reminded of it by Jack. Dot's using the same sort of pithy, pathetic language about Charlie that she used about Nick. Charlie didn't abandon his child; he was made to leave Walford. By Ronnie. Indeed, the only reason Jack has actually lashed out at Charlie has had nothing to do with Matthew and everything to do with Ronnie.

Still, Dot is confident enough and has ego enough to suppose that her fondness for Jack and the fact that she holds some sort of authority over Charlie as his grandmother would make her the perfect mediator and result in Jack keeping Matthew in Walford, whilst Charlie would make the flying visit now and then as "Uncle Charlie."

Is this now becoming, in Dot's mind, all about the fact that she never knew Charlie existed until he was a grown man, and now she hopes to watch a mini version of him, a great-grandchild grow from infant to adult under her realm of influence?

I also got the belated blessing from Dot to Max, always the prodigal son in Jim's eyes, lately bestowing Jim's approval on Max's proper behaviour and support of Jack through the darkest times - if only Jim knew! But the irony isn't lost on Max at all. He wants to be part of the mediation - obviously; he'd be the one surreptitiously to press the wrong button and elicit the wrong sort of reaction from Jack.

As it is, he only gets a patronising bit of thanks from Dot and a virtual pat on the head, and a comment about what a "good boy" this grandfather villain is.

Her Imperial Majesty Queen Denise the Po-Faced Learns from a Cleaner. Oh, my fucking God, please! Virtually an entire episode about one GCSE exam and what amounted to a pedantic teacher's lecture,cleverly masqueraded as an uplifting confession of the intellectual stimulus of reading as a means of stretching the mind.

For the record, yes ... Reading stimulates the mind and develops the imagination. That's part of the joy of reading a book, any book, be it history of fiction. Yes, it stimulates the mind because it increases the vocabulary, never a bad thing. Yes, sometimes readers do feel able to identify with various books or storylines or concepts or even historical figures. And, yes, many authors do use symbolism and imagery as a way of getting across their own outlook on their world and society in general.

But you know something? Most people who like to read, find all of that out over a period of time, usually years. And how early did this GCSE begin? Because the invigilator called time shortly after 9 AM.

Denise seems to be meeting a lot of people in queues lately, people whose antecedents haven't been as fortunate as Denise's yet who have a completely different and more positive outlook on life than this arrogant miseryguts has. The Polish woman she  met at the job centre had had her work contract terminated because of down-sizing and thought nothing of applying for benefits because her work history and contributions to the National Insurance entitled her to that. 

Tonight, she managed to meet a cheeky, chirpy little Cockney lady - a "skivvy"- who, in her retirement, decided to take a gaggle of GCSE qualifications, for no other reason than she could. Her attitude was refreshing. If she passed, she passed. If she didn't, she gave it her best shot. But her simple remark about how amazed she was that she could actually enjoy staying inside and reading a book for a change gave rise to Her Imperial Majesty Queen Denise the Po-Face's soliloquy about the intellectual advantages which reading bestows upon one's mind.

Of course, she may have a pot in which to piss, but she began the day, not only by patronising Kim in he worst way - In a moment of wobble when she thought about throwing a hissy fit and not going to the exam, when Kim recalled Denise's encouragement of Kim attending her driving test - Denise turned up her nose and remarked that this was a different sort of situation. What a fucking intellectual snob! Still, she wasn't too good to grab and gobble the overstuffed bap that Kim had left behind as she scurried off to tend to Pearl.

I have neither sympathy nor admiration for this character. 

As well, she's still hoping for some man-time from Kush. After sending him packing with a flea in his ear, her already enormous ego is further boosted when he tells her that he has confidence that she'll pass her exam. Her royal nose is massively knocked out of joint when Kim tells her Kush is dating again. And why not? Does she expect him to sit around and pine for the Queen to show interest yet again?

I wonder if she squatted and gobbled at Kim's?

Looking Out for Widdle Mick. Wow, Mick's calling Whitney "babe" now, the same way he used to speak to Linda. He's so happy in the morning, you wonder if he dipped his wick in Shitney the night before. He certainly had the look of a man well-laid, but you know, so much happens off-screen, especially the way he asked if Whitney were doing OK. 

Also, the way Whitney simpered and sidled up to Mick at the bar, referring to him as being the "captain on the helm" reminded me of the icky Ian Beale "Captain Beale" remarks, complete with gooey-eyed adoration.

But the star of this was was Shirley. This was all about Shirley's guilt at having sold the freehold of the Vic and her dilemma about telling Mick. Johnny nags her, and Whitney the NuLinda nags her again and again. Whitney even patronisingly remarked that Mick would understand once he knew the reasons behind her deception. Whitney, you may reckon that as NuLinda, you possess the wisdom of Solomon, but Shirley does, indeed, know her son.

Once again, Whitney, ever the one to get a subtle dig in at Linda, wonders why Linda doesn't tell Mick, but Shirley says she promised Linda she would be the one to tell him. Shirley's idea of being a good mum was serving prison time in Mick's name; well, she's actually committed fraud by forging Mick's name on the document signing over the freehold.

The other thing I noticed in this segment was how incredibly stupid Whitney is. First, she assumes that the "freehold" is simply a piece of paper, that nothing would change in the Vic and Mick would still be the boss. Errr ... no. As Shirley explained, Mick is now the leaseholder. He runs the business for the company which owns the building, whatever money Mick makes he has to pay rent and a cut of the profits to these people. If his profits don't add up, the owners can turf him out. Mick doesn't even know that Tracey's been sacked. Instead, he's been told that she's having some time off. 

How much more babyfied can this man be?

Also, Whitney doesn't seem to realise that Shirley has had to forge Mick's signature in order to sell the freehold. Mick and Linda own the building - or they did. The authorities would have to have both their signatures in order to effect a sale. Whitney was suss enough to know that Mick was to be kept in the dark about this. Is she that pig shit ignorant that she doesn't know that, in case of joint ownership, both owners have to sign any legal document. 

Also, in tried and true EastEnders' stating the bleeding obvious fashion, everyone was wanting Shirley to tell Mick the truth before Fi next appeared in the Vic, which - according to Shirley - wasn't supposed to be later in the week, you just knew that Fi would put in an appearance this very evening, which she did.

The Beales Again. How many times are they going to repeat this scene? Now Ian's procrastinating about going to a diabetes clinic? Has Kathy weaned him yet?