Eastenders' Hattrick in Reverse: Bianca, Kat and Now Sharon

If media consultants ever wanted a masterclass in How to Turn an Iconic Character from Hero to Zero, the consultancy should, perhaps, hire Bryan Kirkwood, with Lorraine Newman in reserve.

Kirkwood plotted and then achieved the break-up of the classic couple that were Ricky and Bianca, only to turn Bianca into the vilest of chav petty criminals, complete with entitlement and anger management issues. She left Walford for jail (again) in the back of a police car, and if we never see her mingeing face in Walford again, it would be too soon. I don't miss her, nor do I miss her despicable demon-child Tiffany.

Then, we all know what he's done to Kat. She left a totally redeemed character, secure in Alfie's love and loving him unconditionally, her demons conquered. Now she's returned a totally horny bitch, slapping, strutting and bullying her way about the Square, a physical and emotional abuser of her husband, an abysmal mother and a cheat. She is, without a doubt, the worst species of whore. I hope her karma is swift and hard. Where people once loved Kat, now she's reviled.

In two weeks, Sharon returns - a character who personifies Walford and Eastenders: daughter of Den, ex-wife of Grant Mitchell, on-and-off lover of Phil Mitchell, friend of Ian Beale, widow of Dennis Rickman and mother of his child.

And what do they do?

Well, if the Week 33 spoilers are anything to go by, they're wasting no time in getting Sharon cosied up to the Brannings. Max is attracted enough to offer her the loan of some of Tanya's clothing, so we've set up Bouncy Tan to look down her cleverly made-up chav nose at real Walford royalty. Then, I gather, from the spoilers, it looks as though there's going to be a dalliance with Jack, who offers her a place to stay.

Just like Pat's death, this return is being used as a vehicle by which to promote the cancer that the Brannings are becoming. Pat's death featured bullying by Derek and a visit from Max and Tanya, who'd never said two words to Pat in all their time on the Square. The two weeks afterward and her funeral was all about the Derek-David feud.

Now, it seems as if we're going to have Sharon getting jiggly with Jack and moochy with Max, when if Lorraine Newman would pull her head out of her arse or wherever she's mislaid it and remember, Sharon wouldn't touch either of these men with a barge pole. To begin with, she'd never pursue a man in a committed relationship. If she did, that would make her no better a hypocrite than Bouncy Tan. And as for Jack, besides the fact that he's ex-Old Bill, she prefers a bit of rough, Mitchell-style. Anyway, she's a mum now, FFS. Aside from the fact that Sharon is the sort of person who would cling to familiar faces in a return to the place where she grew up, she's not the sort to bond that easily with new people, and she's certainly not the sort to horn around after a man the way Kat does.

It's now almost obvious that this return is yet another notch in the belt of the Branning family. As it probably eliminates Max and Jack from the list of Shagger suspects (of Kat, anyway), that really narrows the suspect list down to two - Ray and Derek ... and based on the Branning leverage, it's obvious who the Shagger is going to be.

Derek the Shaggerman, Max and Jack lusting after Sharon, Joey living with Lucy and indirectly involved in Ian's return (and he was found by Max and Tanya), Cora midwifing Chavvy Lola ... can we have Alice working at the Minute Mart and silly Lauren working for Zainab at the Argee Bajee?

Why not just call the damned show "Branning Place" and be done with it.

Like a bad rash they are ... Still, I knew I had reason to suspect Sharon's return.

Nice one, Eastenders ... a hattrick in reverse. I'm beginning to wonder if Lorraine Newman isn't the closer for this show?

Songs for the Shaggerman: Suspect Number 3

A psychopath is someone suffering from deep-seeded attachment issues, usually which occurred during the first five years of his life: Michael Moon re Eddie Moon


A psychopath is someone who, because of the above, lacks total empathy: Michael Moon


A psychopath is a master manipulator, a con man: Michael Moon


A psychopath is someone who always has to be in complete control of events surrounding him and his own emotions: Michael Moon


A psychopath feels that the world doesn't appreciate him for what he is, that he's not being noticed for the genius he is and that he isn't someone. He feels grossly and unjustly unappreciated: Michael Moon


For what it's worth, I don't think Michael is the shagger. He wouldn't go there again, not since he's now focused on manipulating his wife, Janine, who isn't psychopath, but a sociopath.

This song's the one for Michael.

Songs for the Shaggerman: Suspect Number 2

He fancies himself a gangsta, but he's really DelBoy on steroids, with a choice of two Rodneys. He punches down to the point that he's a bully - but he always seems to bully women and schoolgirls. Got a violent edge. More importantly, he's as horny as Kat is and really her moral equivalent. He's been without a woman's touch since he was in prison, and he likes a skanky girl. Well, he had Rainie Cross, who's almost as much of a dirty girl as Kat is. Bah ... the only thing dirty about either one of them is their knickers. And given a chance, as much as he banters her, he'd have Shirl in a minute.

Mr Derek Branning ... He's my choice for the Shaggerman. He's not particular, and he has a bone to pick with Alfie, who scammed him and stood up to him. Derek lost face, and what better way to humiliate Alfie than by doing his missus? Hell, he may even be doing him a favour, and Derek would reckon that. Any outcome wouldn't phase him at all. If Alfie threw Kat to the gutter, which most people hope he does, Derek would step on her to avoid getting muck on his shoe.

Derek reckons he's Mr Cool, like Kat reckons she's the female equivalent. Thing is, the only person who does reckon Derek is cool, edgy and dangerous ... is Derek.

I hope he's the shagger. He and Kat deserve each other.

Derek's theme:-

Songs for the Shaggerman: Suspect Number 1

Here's a song for Ray Dixon, who I don't think is Mr Shaggerman. Ray's too much in love with himself and the idea of himself to love or commit to anyone else, which is why he's never married any of the women with whom he's had children. Ray not only loves his body, he loves his own mind, which is why his idea of parenting is lecturing about good nutrition (but failing to see Morgan only eats chicken nuggets and Sasha's always stuffing her cake hole with chips) and giving the kids treats or presents.

This song's for Ray, who always loves the one he's with, which is his right hand. (That explains why he was so upset when Kim cut the tip of his finger off).

A song for wankers everywhere:-

A rose in a fisted glove for you, Ray ... probably from Kim, considering the fist.

Shame Richie

The BBC is a corporation funded entirely via the licence fee paid by viewers. That is no less than a stealth tax, but it means that any and all personnel, from cleaners to international stars employed by the BBC are paid with money from our wallets. Quite simply, if we don't pay to have a television licence, we simply cannot watch television, and we can even be prosecuted and/or imprisoned if we don't comply.

If we pay money into a service, we are entitled to complain to the provider if the service is less than satisfactory and/or if the personnel are not performing adequately. This applies to he BBC. And it applies to the programmes they broadcast.

The cast of Eastenders is funded by us. Our licence fee monies pay for their expensive holidays, their big homes in posh neighbourhoods, their botox, their nail jobs, the school fees for their kids, the holiday homes and yachts moored in Spain and Florida, the expensive cars and the nannies.

Therefore, when we are less than satisfied with service rendered - as is the case with many who find Eastenders sub-standard at the moment - we are entitled to complain.

It's not just a matter of turning off or switching the channel. The licence fee continues to fund lifestyles of the rich and famous, who owe a lot of those lifestyles to us and who thinks this gives them the entitlement to behave badly and boorishly in public.

Now that it's been revealed that the BBC actually advised its stars to use offshore accounts to avoid paying taxes that the plebs who fund them have to pay, I think it's even more important that such people be revealed for the assholes that they are.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Shane Richie, who plays cheeky, chirpy, lovely jubbly and cuckholded landlord Alfie Moon - the man all Eastenders' fans are supporting against his bitch of a wife. When I posted a blog yesterday about not giving a shit about Lola's baby, in which I remarked that one of the reasons I didn't give a rat's arse was because the actress, herself, is pretty dire, I got a tweeted stream of abuse, whcih I include below:-

Click to enlarge, including the remarks from an American political commentator, a media professional who was less than impressed with the way Richie, another media professional, reacted to criticism from a viewer.

Someone's got an icon complex and pretty thin skin. And someone needs to be reminded of the people who put him where he is today - or maybe he's like to go back to the Daz Doorstep Challenge.

Let's Hope Roxy Puts the Mangy Old Kat Out

Roxy's attraction to Alfie always spurs all sorts of discussion. First, there are those people who are dead convinced that Roxy is nothing but a common slut (as opposed to Kat, who's the very embodiment of the Virgin Mary. Not). Then there are those people who are convinced that Roxy is still child-like in her immaturity, that she would never be attracted to Alfie, that their age difference is too great ... yadda yadda.

Let's put to bed a few myths that have evolved around Roxy and look at her for the positive character she always has been.

First of all, Roxy's emotional and intellectual development was stymied and stunted by her control freak of an older sister, Ronnie. (Even as I type, I can imagine the indignation of various souls at the Walford Web creche and the Digital Spy moral cowards banging their keyboards at someone even daring to criticise Saint Ronnie). It's not a criticism; it's a fact. Ronnie's excessive control over Roxy may, in part, have stemmed from Archie's removing her child from her, but Ronnie inherited a great deal of Archie's mannerisms and behaviour, as Roxy so often pointed out, and which Ronnie hated.

Anyway, Ronnie used Roxy as a surrogate child. She indulged and encouraged her irresponsible and immature behaviour and made sure she was always there to clean up whatever mess Roxy made. She also laid the mother of all guilt trips on Roxy by reminding her incessantly that this is what she, Ronnie, did - clean up Roxy's mess, pick up the broken pieces.

The result of all of that was that Roxy was encouraged to act far younger than her years until well into her thirties, which she did. When Roxy arrived on the Square, she was a 29 year-old child woman, under the thumb of her older and more manipulative sister. She dressed like a poor man's WAG, but she had a terrific sense of humour and delivered some cracking one-liners. Then her impulsive behaviour got her into trouble and she ended up sleeping, on the spur of the moment, with Jack Branning, the Sperminator, who, at the time, was not involved with Ronnie, although even if he weren't involved with her, Ronnie thought that he should have been behaving in full purity of thought with her in mind.

As a result of this entanglement, Roxy got pregnant, complicated by the fact that she was also sleeping with Sean Slater as well. So she really didn't know who her baby's father was.

As far as sluttery goes, Roxy simply isn't one. In the five years she's lived on the Square, she's slept with Jack Branning twice, had a relationship and married Sean Slater, slept with Jase Dyer once, had a relationship with Al Jenkins, which ended when he left the Square, and had the weirdest sort of relationship with Michael Moon. That's roughly one man per year. Hardly promiscuous.


For those people crying foul at her having slept with Jack - the common cry is that he was "her sister's man" - well, he wasn't. Their first encounter occurred when Ronnie and Jack were definitely in their early off periods of coupledom. If I recall correctly, Roxy had informed Ronnie that she saw Jack rogering his ex-wife across the desk in the office of R and R, which put paid to Ronnie's relationship with Jack. The second time occurred when Jack had only just received his divorce papers from Ronnie. As Rita Simons stated, herself, Roxy would never sleep with Jack while he was Ronnie's husband. Both instances occurred when Jack and Roxy were single.

Some folk cry out that Roxy deceived Sean. She didn't, really. I actually think that Roxy didn't know whether Amy's father were Sean or Jack. She'd slept with Jack once; she was having a no-strings-sex-only romp with Sean at regular intervals. She'd be forgiven for thinking Amy's dad was Sean. And as her feelings grew for Sean, she hoped and believed he was the father of her child - until Jack bullied her into sneaking a DNA test, which Archie and Suzy Branning revealed.

In fact, Suzy's home truths moment was a classic one, wasn't it? Shall we relive it?

Other criticisms of Roxy from various people include her perceived thickness, with everyone pointing out how Phil managed to steal £20k from her. Actually, he gave it back surreptitiously. He planted the money in Glenda's room, making it look as though Glenda had taken it all along and thus further alienating Roxy from Glenda and isolating Roxy.

But almost from the moment Alfie and Kat arrived back in Walford, there's been a chemistry between Alfie and Roxy. Now it appears that that chemistry is blossoming into love. For those of you who may have forgotten, Alfie and Kat were the closest of friends for the longest time before they fell in love. That was back when Kat was likeable and had a great heart. Now she's simply unlikeable and in possession of a great, insatiable twat.

And since Ronnie's departure, Roxy's grown up a great deal. Before anyone points me in the direction of Amy's accident, let me refresh your memories. For anyone with a small child, being with that child 24/7 without the stimulus of adult conversation can be stultifying. Roxy had no support unit with her child. She was living apart from Phil and Shirley, who were indifferent to her; and she got precious little support from the Brannings. Once when she needed a babysitter, she actually had to remind Carol that Carol was Amy's aunt.

On the night of Amy's accident, Roxy literally had to beg Jack to look after Amy. Jack, you'll recall, forgot all of the various other children he'd dropped about the place, to mourn for James. Jack was sulking and reluctantly agreed. He was late and she left Ben in charge of Amy until Jack returned. Even when Jack did return, he didn't dash upstairs for his daughter. Instead, he went into his flat to play loud, juvenile music.

During the custody battle with Jack for Amy, Roxy endured all sorts of bullying from various Brannings, from anger-management queen Bianca to Derek. For everyone slamming her for flirting with Max in the wake of that, Roxy was lonely. She was lonely, vulnerable and not really thinking straight after her ordeal in the courts. Part of her come-on to Max was a revenge motif; part of it was wanting a bit of fun. The fact that Max was even remotely tempted and flirted with her by text speaks far more volumes for Max, who was supposedly in a committed relationship then, than it does for Roxy, who - when he knocked her back - stopped the pursuit.

In one of the most remarkable scenes of late in Eastenders, when Incorrigible Cora the hypocrite called out Max for his part in the flirtation, Roxy stepped up to the plate and assumed total responsibilty. Now that's something you seldom see in Eastenders these days- a woman who isn't a victim and who assumes responsibility for her actions.

Several people seem to have trouble with the potential of a Roxy/Alfie association. They cite age difference. Roxy is 34; Alfie is 48. That's one year less than the difference in ages between Grant and Tiffany Mitchell. Billy Mitchell was more than 20 years older than both of his wives. Garry Hobbs was forty when he left with 25 year-old Dawn Swann.

People refer to the fact that Roxy calls Alfie "Granddad". It's an affectionate term with nothing to do with age. In fact, Kathy regularly called Phil Mitchell "Granddad" as a term of endearment, and she was eleven years his senior.

Others say Alfie isn't Roxy's "type." Roxy had a "type" when she was a party girl, and in point of fact, she's been maturing as an individual ever since she had the relationship with Al Jenkins. The very fact that Roxy approached Alfie and voiced her feelings rather than going the seduction and sex route first says a lot. Roxy was a girl who slept with a guy first and got to know him later. She was totally honest with Alfie, and he was brutally honest, in a kind way, with her. In effect, he basically let her know that he was a married man, and that leaving Kat meant leaving his family, the kids and the business, so it wasn't that simple. Roxy accepted that and backed off.

Her crowning moment came when she handed Kat her ass in proving to her that in all the time she stayed in the Vic, she never slept with Alfie, nor did he try to do so with her.

This is what's spooking Kat. She knows that Alfie doesn't do casual sex, that he learns to love and appreciate a woman through friendship first, the way he did with her; but she demands worship at her altar. She needs to stop and think what she's done to Alfie, to make him concentrate so fully on a mingy football team as an outlet for his feelings for Roxy, which he knows are wrong and to which he hasn't succumbed.

In the end, I hope it's Roxy who triumphs and that Kat gets kicked back to the gutter where she belong, but not after being told a few choice home truths. Speaking of which, here's another home truth moment, this time with Auntie Sal:-

The Babymamma Saga Part II: 23.07.2012

The absolute best part of this episode was Billy's actual run. To watch him run around the Square and see him being saluted by all the major characters in the Square, was really quite inspiring.

I'll be the first to admit that I like Billy Mitchell. I know he's not liked by a lot of fans and many question having him remain in the show, but as a choral character who can cope with background characterisations and the occasional major storyline, Perry Fenwick is in his element. Fenwick is actually a good actor, and it's more than screwing up his face. He was instrumental in dealing with Jay in the aftermath of Heather's death, and although Billy lives for being accepted as a real Mitchell, he knows exactly what Phil Mitchell is and of what he's capable of doing.

Like Ricky Butcher, whom we'll never see on our screens again (if you believe that), Billy is a good everyman figure. He has a good friendship with Alfie and also with Janine. And since tonight's episode was heavy on the foreshadowing element, I'd say he will have something stronger in the future with Jean. Jean was actually quite good tonight. I'm glad she left the Vic early in a rush and left that sour-faced Kat to stew in her own foul juices.

She was the downside of the episode. And once again, she took a moral high ground to which she wasn't entitled in subtly berating Alfie for allowing Roxy to help in the Torch extravaganza, when she wasn't around. Why? Because she rushed off to Shaggerman's flat. And how totally unbelieveable that all five of the presumed suspects would stand across the street and all stare at her. Who is attracted to a woman who dresses as a whore? A woman who dumps her child on anyone just to run off for a quick fuck. "Big Mistake" in lipstick, simply because some man isn't paying total and 100% attention to her sorry,botoxed, narcissistic ass. Everyone in possession of a dick has to pay homage to Saint Kat, patron saint of sluts.

The banter as well by the football team about Kat wearing the trousers in the Moon household is down to Bryan Kirkwood and him alone. Alfie was never like that, and all of them have room to talk - Max, who can't abide living apart from Tanya; Jack, who's a male slut; Michael, who's dependent upon a wealthy woman who doesn't trust him; Ray, whose best lover is his right hand. That leaves Derek, who was the first to leer across the street at Katshite. They deserve each other.

Make no mistake: Kat has to suffer in all of this. She has to be humiliated, thrown out and shunned. She has to lose everything and leave Walford - but whether this EP has the balls to do that remains to be seen.

More foreshadowing with Cora, who's now a midwife, of all things, coaxing Lola the Unlikeable through labour - still no sympathy for the little chav slapper with the bloody doll. Anyone could have screamed and shouted through that; but we had a foreshadowing of the fact that Cora gave up a baby for adoption ... and NO, THAT BABY WAS NOT SHARON.

Lucy and Tanya ... meh. Billy was the star.