If media consultants ever wanted a masterclass in How to Turn an Iconic Character from Hero to Zero, the consultancy should, perhaps, hire Bryan Kirkwood, with Lorraine Newman in reserve.
Kirkwood plotted and then achieved the break-up of the classic couple that were Ricky and Bianca, only to turn Bianca into the vilest of chav petty criminals, complete with entitlement and anger management issues. She left Walford for jail (again) in the back of a police car, and if we never see her mingeing face in Walford again, it would be too soon. I don't miss her, nor do I miss her despicable demon-child Tiffany.
Then, we all know what he's done to Kat. She left a totally redeemed character, secure in Alfie's love and loving him unconditionally, her demons conquered. Now she's returned a totally horny bitch, slapping, strutting and bullying her way about the Square, a physical and emotional abuser of her husband, an abysmal mother and a cheat. She is, without a doubt, the worst species of whore. I hope her karma is swift and hard. Where people once loved Kat, now she's reviled.
In two weeks, Sharon returns - a character who personifies Walford and Eastenders: daughter of Den, ex-wife of Grant Mitchell, on-and-off lover of Phil Mitchell, friend of Ian Beale, widow of Dennis Rickman and mother of his child.
And what do they do?
Well, if the Week 33 spoilers are anything to go by, they're wasting no time in getting Sharon cosied up to the Brannings. Max is attracted enough to offer her the loan of some of Tanya's clothing, so we've set up Bouncy Tan to look down her cleverly made-up chav nose at real Walford royalty. Then, I gather, from the spoilers, it looks as though there's going to be a dalliance with Jack, who offers her a place to stay.
Just like Pat's death, this return is being used as a vehicle by which to promote the cancer that the Brannings are becoming. Pat's death featured bullying by Derek and a visit from Max and Tanya, who'd never said two words to Pat in all their time on the Square. The two weeks afterward and her funeral was all about the Derek-David feud.
Now, it seems as if we're going to have Sharon getting jiggly with Jack and moochy with Max, when if Lorraine Newman would pull her head out of her arse or wherever she's mislaid it and remember, Sharon wouldn't touch either of these men with a barge pole. To begin with, she'd never pursue a man in a committed relationship. If she did, that would make her no better a hypocrite than Bouncy Tan. And as for Jack, besides the fact that he's ex-Old Bill, she prefers a bit of rough, Mitchell-style. Anyway, she's a mum now, FFS. Aside from the fact that Sharon is the sort of person who would cling to familiar faces in a return to the place where she grew up, she's not the sort to bond that easily with new people, and she's certainly not the sort to horn around after a man the way Kat does.
It's now almost obvious that this return is yet another notch in the belt of the Branning family. As it probably eliminates Max and Jack from the list of Shagger suspects (of Kat, anyway), that really narrows the suspect list down to two - Ray and Derek ... and based on the Branning leverage, it's obvious who the Shagger is going to be.
Derek the Shaggerman, Max and Jack lusting after Sharon, Joey living with Lucy and indirectly involved in Ian's return (and he was found by Max and Tanya), Cora midwifingChavvy Lola ... can we have Alice working at the Minute Mart and silly Lauren working for Zainab at the Argee Bajee?
Why not just call the damned show "Branning Place" and be done with it.
Like a bad rash they are ... Still, I knew I had reason to suspect Sharon's return.
Nice one, Eastenders ... a hattrick in reverse. I'm beginning to wonder if Lorraine Newman isn't the closer for this show?
Kirkwood plotted and then achieved the break-up of the classic couple that were Ricky and Bianca, only to turn Bianca into the vilest of chav petty criminals, complete with entitlement and anger management issues. She left Walford for jail (again) in the back of a police car, and if we never see her mingeing face in Walford again, it would be too soon. I don't miss her, nor do I miss her despicable demon-child Tiffany.
Then, we all know what he's done to Kat. She left a totally redeemed character, secure in Alfie's love and loving him unconditionally, her demons conquered. Now she's returned a totally horny bitch, slapping, strutting and bullying her way about the Square, a physical and emotional abuser of her husband, an abysmal mother and a cheat. She is, without a doubt, the worst species of whore. I hope her karma is swift and hard. Where people once loved Kat, now she's reviled.
In two weeks, Sharon returns - a character who personifies Walford and Eastenders: daughter of Den, ex-wife of Grant Mitchell, on-and-off lover of Phil Mitchell, friend of Ian Beale, widow of Dennis Rickman and mother of his child.
And what do they do?
Well, if the Week 33 spoilers are anything to go by, they're wasting no time in getting Sharon cosied up to the Brannings. Max is attracted enough to offer her the loan of some of Tanya's clothing, so we've set up Bouncy Tan to look down her cleverly made-up chav nose at real Walford royalty. Then, I gather, from the spoilers, it looks as though there's going to be a dalliance with Jack, who offers her a place to stay.
Just like Pat's death, this return is being used as a vehicle by which to promote the cancer that the Brannings are becoming. Pat's death featured bullying by Derek and a visit from Max and Tanya, who'd never said two words to Pat in all their time on the Square. The two weeks afterward and her funeral was all about the Derek-David feud.
Now, it seems as if we're going to have Sharon getting jiggly with Jack and moochy with Max, when if Lorraine Newman would pull her head out of her arse or wherever she's mislaid it and remember, Sharon wouldn't touch either of these men with a barge pole. To begin with, she'd never pursue a man in a committed relationship. If she did, that would make her no better a hypocrite than Bouncy Tan. And as for Jack, besides the fact that he's ex-Old Bill, she prefers a bit of rough, Mitchell-style. Anyway, she's a mum now, FFS. Aside from the fact that Sharon is the sort of person who would cling to familiar faces in a return to the place where she grew up, she's not the sort to bond that easily with new people, and she's certainly not the sort to horn around after a man the way Kat does.
It's now almost obvious that this return is yet another notch in the belt of the Branning family. As it probably eliminates Max and Jack from the list of Shagger suspects (of Kat, anyway), that really narrows the suspect list down to two - Ray and Derek ... and based on the Branning leverage, it's obvious who the Shagger is going to be.
Derek the Shaggerman, Max and Jack lusting after Sharon, Joey living with Lucy and indirectly involved in Ian's return (and he was found by Max and Tanya), Cora midwifing
Why not just call the damned show "Branning Place" and be done with it.
Like a bad rash they are ... Still, I knew I had reason to suspect Sharon's return.
Nice one, Eastenders ... a hattrick in reverse. I'm beginning to wonder if Lorraine Newman isn't the closer for this show?
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