The Irredeemably Evil Beales - Review:- Friday 05.06.2015

Jesse O'Mahoney earned his stripes with this episode. A perfect ten.

Grindr.

There's a new type of love triangle in the offing, and it's coincidental with another more traditional type ... and Jay's on the case in the former.

In the traditional corner, we have Pam-Les-Claudette. With Paul on the case in this one. Pam is not only hung over, she's upset about something, and Paul thinks he knows the reason. It comes from Pam's emotional outburst during her party the night before, so Paul's a man on a mission to put the mockers on Les's affair with Claudette.

Les is shitting himself - as the man says two funerals and a cremation on a hangover is no one's idea of a good day.

Les might be a hammy sort of guy. I thought gurning and white-eyed eye-rolling went to New Zealand with Lauren, but that aside, he's essentially a decent man; so he ends his affair with Claudette, another Class-A-type entitled bitch, who subtly refuses to believe that Les is actually dumping her. Who the hell is she to say he can't end their affair, that he would never sustain it?

Girlfriend, you are the other woman. Suck it up. He loves his wife, yet she has the audacity to tell him he'd be back to her. (Look, this is soap; he'll be foolish enough to get back with Claudette, and Claudette will probably be arrogant enough to allow Claudette to discover the affair).

However, the usually boring Coker vignette gave us the opportunity to get a bit of backstory on Paul's relationship with his grandparents, as well as uncross the wires that have remained crossed for years.

Something's been lost in translation between Pam and her grandson. We know that Paul took off and left because he witnessed a moment of intimacy between Les and Claudette and presumed correctly that they were having an affair. Pam presumed he left because he couldn't forgive her for aiding his father in committing suicide, and Pam has believed this and berated herself for it for years.

I like Jonny Labey. He's more than the requisite pretty face with the looks of a boy band idol or a Continental footballer with his Alice band. He's genuinely good at the role. Yes, we know he went from being a name on a piece of paper to the contingency plan after Sam Strike struck his tent and left. He's a sensitive lad, comfortable in his sexuality, who loves and is devoted to his grandmother. 

Forget Phil and Sharon, forget the over-emotional Beales and their cruelty, the most poignant scene tonight was the moment shared between Pam and Paul, when Pam related how eaten up and angry with guilt she had been since Laurie's death, blaming herself for that and for Paul leaving. She was upset the previous evening because she took Paul's moodiness to mean he couldn't stomach being around her after what she'd done.

When Paul told her that he thought she was amazingly strong in character to have assisted Laurie in ending his life. In fact, he admired her for doing that, and thanked her for helping ease his father's pain and forgave her. 

That doesn't mean he's still not giving the fish-eye to Les, whom he has in his sights. Just don't forget that Claudette is a rank bitch, and she hates Paul.

In the non-traditional corner, we have Abi, Ben and Paul.

The first scene of Abi and Ben traipsing through the market after having had a night of sex in The Arches was reminiscent of the fateful scene of Lucy Beale and Lee Carter running barefoot through the market having been discovered in flagrante delicto by Ian. Yet it was slightly skewed. Abi was clutching some sort of longish cardi around her and giggling about not being able to believe she was actually naked under the piece of clothing.

I couldn't believe it either. Abi was fully clothed in jeans, a top and a teeshirt when she seduced Ben. What happened to her clothes? Duh, you do wake up in the morning, even if you play away, and you always have the clothes you wore the previous day to hand. This was just a bit of contravention to emphasise the fact that, you know, Abi and Ben slept together.

They have to run into Jay and regale him of their adventures. (I still get the impression that Abi really wants to advertise her relationship with Ben, most especially, to Jay.)

Of course, Jay knows better, and he's got the measure of both Ben and Abi, especially Ben. Is it normal for someone to sleep with a girl and then spend hours trolling his Grindr (here known as Crusadr) app, looking at pictures of hot gay men? This is what Jay wants to know, and Ben tries to explain that this is something very normal and it's what most men do nowadays.

Really, Ben?

Jay's reaction was classic, and very astutely put.

That's not normal, that's desperate. And Abi? She's desperate too.

Jay and Abi were together for years, and evne though they've split, he still cares about her and doesn't want to see her hurt; nor does he want to see Ben trying to convince himself that he's anything other than gay, for whatever reason to please Phil. (Interesting, also, that when Ben found out about Phil's plight, he wasn't sympathetic at all). If Ben is serious about loving Abi, he'll prove it to Jay by deleting the Grindr/Crusadr app from his phone completely.

Ben does, but when he gets a text from Paul wanting to see him, Ben's response is a very positive definitely.

Ben looks like the cat who's caught the canary. He'll swing both ways, until Jay catches him with Paul and makes good his promise to tell Abi.

This clock is ticking.

The Notting Hill Gang.

It was well-deserved karmic comedy seeing Phil Mitchell on his back foot, forced to sleep at Roxy's and dashing off without breakfast, desperately seeking Sharon. Sharon's having a business meeting with Vincent, who - curiously - becomes a lot more bearable and low-key when you separate him from the likes of Kim or Ronnie. Vincent appreciates Sharon's business experience, but at the end of the day, she's Phil's wife. How can he trust her?

If Ben is desperate, Phil's even moreso. Desperate enough to barge into the Fox-Trueman house and interrupt the proceedings, offering Sharon a bigger and better bar in a better location, but Sharon's having none of it. Vincent simply watches, bemused. When Sharon storms out of the house, Phil confronts Vincent.

Phil: You know the deal. You got The Albert, and you were to leave my family alone.
Vincent: It seems like your family can't leave me alone, Phil. Look at you. You're a mess. You're all over the place.

He's right. As soon as Sharon's caught Phil in a humongous lie, as soon as she reacts against Phil's perceived type, he loses control. Yet he's like this as well, when Ronnie goes on a rampage. Sharon's been controlled to a point before; but lying to her about her birth father is trying to prevent Sharon from knowing herself.

Phil has his reasons.

This time, he gives her an address in Notting Hill, and she's confronted with a huge mansion in a well-appointed part of the neighbourhood. 

This is very interesting. When Sharon arrived and got out of the taxi, she walked to the gate, looking at the upstairs window. There was a single shot from above, looking down at Sharon as she stood, peering through the gate, as if from the view from the upstairs window. I got the impression that someone was looking at Sharon, and that someone knew who she was.

Was it Gavin? Or Kathy? Phil said, when he gave her the address that he had never met her birth father, and I can't remember if Phil actually met Gavin or not.

However, when Sharon returned home, the conversation she and Phil had was more than a bit skewed as well. Sharon making the pilgrimage to this address gave Phil some wriggle room. He knows Sharon well enough to know she wouldn't barge up to the door, knock and introduce herself. This is the woman, who, when she found Carol Hanley, sent Michelle Fowler ahead as a reconnaissance party to suss Hanley out as a person. She wouldn't be so presumptuous, and Phil knows it.

The yarn he spun about seeing the mansion and being overwhelmed by it, the spiel about if he lost a business, he'd graft, even doing manual labour, to re-build his assets, but realising that the Notting Hill house represented real wealth, he was afraid Sharon would leave him for that and he'd lose her.

(That's it, Phil, play the victim and make Sharon feel guilty). Sharon then admitted that she felt the same sense of insignificance upon seeing the area, and felt that she belonged there, with Phil). We even got Sharon apologising for using Ben and bringing up the K-word, when the K-word was probably eyeing her from that upstairs window. Phil's sly smile when he hugged Sharon and welcomed her back to the fold showed his deceit. 

That address was one of two things:-

- it was either a bogus address, chosen by Phil because he knew Sharon well-enough to know that if she were slightly intimidated by Carol Stretton Hanley's comfortable middle class existence, that she'd be totally intimidated by this mansion and its inference of natural wealth.

- it really was where Gavin and Kathy are holed up, and Sharon was intimidated for the above reasons. And she was being watched.

I believe the latter.

Can Someone Put the Beales Out of Their Misery, Please? All of Them. 

I have to admit. This was extremely difficult to watch tonight. Not because it as badly enacted; it wasn't. It was just such a horrible and realistic depiction of abject cruelty, it made me wonder what Kathy is going to make of the shower going down at the Beale household.

I can't see any redemption for either Ian or Jane in this instance. They were both abominable. It's obvious that Ian's mental breakdown of a couple of years ago wasn't just a blip and that Ian has had severe mental issues for years now, probably since his youth and certainly since his sham marriage to Mel.

Ian and Jane were actually proposing to hold Cindy prisoner, locked in the house until she allowed them to proceed with Beth's adoption. I don't know if either of them, in their infinite arrogance and entitlement realised it, but what they were proposing to do was against the law, so let's add false imprisonment to the Beales' collective rap sheet, because that's against the law too.

Psycho Bobby, however, up and about in his killer pjs, knows that Cindy's been out and about for hours. You have to get up really early to fool Cindy.

I am totally glad Cindy brought Carol into the equation and insisted that she stay throughout all her conversations with Ian, even to the point of begging her. I thought Carol was particularly shaken when Ian got cruelly personal with Cindy in the Jackson-Butcher front room, trash-mouthing Cindy's mother - who, when he's in a certain frame of mind, is the love of Ian's life and whose children possessing the Cindy gene have received special treatment from Ian. He was verbally attacking Cindy in the most malicious way possible, and when she ran into the kitchen, intent on telling Carol about what happened to Lucy, when Ian got physical and started twisting her arm, Carol was appalled as was Liam. I really thought at one point in the episode that Ian and Jane were going to start beating Cindy.

Kudos to Cindy for standing up to Ian, which only enraged the weaselly coward further. Ian and Jane weren't worried about protecting Bobby, they were worried about covering their own fat arses. Cindy isn't phased at all by Ian's threats. Her cry of freedom:-

I'm not afraid of you!

But Ian was afraid of her and the havoc she'd wreak if she let rip with the truth. In fact when Ian returned home without Cindy, he and Jane were shitting themselves at the prospect and shat themselves some more when Cindy returned. They'd been wondering if Carol would have called the police. (She would have). They could barely contain themselves when Cindy drew the moment out before she told them that she didn't tell the truth. She kept it to herself. But she still won't be moved.

The most ironic line of the night came from the Beale house of horror when Jane exclaimed:-

I won't be held hostage by a teenager.

But that's exactly what the Beales were proposing to do with Cindy. Hold her hostage until she bent to their will. They cared nothing for her, she just had something they wanted, and they would be willing to "allow" her to remain under their roof out of some sort of warped gratitude for bestowing a child upon them.

Ian's whiney resignation remark We've lost her was the height of entitlement and simply pathetic. Lost her? As if the baby were a prize in a competition. It also angered me that, at the end of the episode, Ian was still referring to Beth as "our little girl." No, Ian. She never was your little girl. She was Cindy's daughter, Cindy Beale's granddaughter and also the granddaughter of Nick Hammond. Nothing to do with you and you had no right to her.

Rather than suffer seeing Cindy put the child with strangers, Jane the Bovine Queen calls Bianca and Terry, and we got a fleeting glimpse of Terry Spraggan coming to take the child. Poor kid - not even TJ was excited at the prospect, but - as Cindy, who was visibly distressed at the child going, but not giving an inch at the overt guilt trip Jane was laying on her, observed, Terry was a good man. This also gave Ian an opportunity to trash mouth his own niece as inadequate enough to bring up the child. His worst assessment was that Beth would be brought up in - his words - a house full of children.

Well, at least none of those children have committed murder. 

Speaking of which, the putrid little psycho-killer gave Cindy the look of death, immediately before Ian kicked her out, with nothing but the clothes she's stood up in.

Ian and Jane are two of the cruellest and most hateful characters on this show. Shirley at her most vile would never have reacted in such a way.

Were I Cindy, I'd go directly to Carol, tell her what happened that night in the Beale house, and call the police.

When karma bites the Beales, I hope it bites hard. They've got ample room between them for a big bite.

Ian and Jane were like a couple of sulky kids whose favourite toy had been taken away. They are supposed to be the adults. 

Sharon Back in the Building - Review:- Thursday 04.06.2015

I usually don't rate Jesse O'Mahoney, but he was spot on tonight. Somehow, for some reason, the writers seem to have channeled Sharon and her true character, because previously, when O'Mahoney wrote for Sharon during the appalling Branning period, she was wooden and dull, but suddenly, Letitia Dean has found her mojo, and the Sharon who stared the Mitchells down is back.

And the other star tonight was Mimi Keene. The Cokers and their predicament put paid to what would have been a perfect ten of an episode, but I do like Paul and the fact that he's dead onto Les.

Team Cindy! Mimi Keene came into her own tonight. For all that episode should have had emphasis on Sharon and her mind games with Phil, Keene stole the show with a well deserved duff-duff and the only two words which could conceivably cause Jane and Ian to shit their pants ...

I know.

I hope all you astute viewers saw as well the psychopath known as Bobby and his eerie behaviour - his frightening, low-outched monotone delivery, with a subtly threatening undercurrent as he sat playing violent video games, as well as his covert threat directed at Cindy regarding Beth remaining with the Beales.

She better not cause any trouble.

No, because we know what happened to the last young woman who caused trouble in the Beale household, who met her end right where Bobby was sitting on the Beale sofa. If you think about how much emphasis and visual importance has been placed on that sofa and its surrounding area since the reveal, you can understand the total horror that's abiding within the Beale house.

And it's all come to a head with Cindy's situation.

Ian and Jane have behaved appallingly, and the social worker was equally as stupid and obtuse in siding with them and seeing Cindy as some unbalanced, little chit of a schoolgirl who would perhaps harm her child.

She's a kid. She had sex on a whim and got pregnant her first time. She allowed herself to be easily coerced into having a baby by the child's father, who was too young to cope with fatherhood, himself, and when faced with the prospect, he walked away. She realised all too late that having a baby set her apart from her peers. She's far too immature to be a mother, and she recognises that. She wants the best for this baby, but she doesn't want to be forced to watch her grow up daily in a situation where she's considered to be both her sister and a built-in babysitter whenever Ian and Jane decide to put their own interests first and the novelty of having a baby in the house wears off.

Ian and Jane have been the worst sort of bullies - one psychologically manipulating Cindy whilst the other belloweathers and issues threats. There's scant compassion in the pair, for all the numberof times they refer to her as "love." There simply is no love there. They're obliging her because she has something that they want - the child. Bobby wants a baby sister as much as he might want a new toy. Jane wants a baby to which she feels entitled, and Ian wants yet another chance to throw money at a child for a peaceful life and then wonder why he's failed.

I loved the fact that Cindy had and has both the Beales pegged solidly. She played a game with them, pushing the parameters - coming in late, demanding that she never babysit or be alone with Beth anymore and garnering the attic bedroom that both Bobby and Peter share. Whatever she asks for, they hasten to oblige.

She's cowered at first by the Beales in the presence of the social worker, who's clearly only interested in the child and how well she'll be cared for by the oh-so-middle-class Beales. I know social workers get a rough rap on EastEnders (remember Trish Barnes?), but how this woman could have seen Cindy as the danger to the child and the Beales as people eminently qualified to give Beth a loving and stable home, especially after Ian's rant about Cindy's demands,is all evidence of her stupidity.

Cindy may not want Beth around her, she may not feel ready to be reminded that she's a mother; but she may also not want Beth brought up in a household where a beetle-browed, monotoned, psychopathic little killer has whacked his sister to death, the sociopathic stepmother colluded in dumping the body on the Common and keeping it a secret the better part of a year, and the weak-willed, Oedipal weasel at the head of the household is caught in the selfsame maelstrom of lies, deceit and murder.

And Carol is naive to believe that she warned the Beales of what Cindy was planning to do because the creepy couple and Carol want what's best for her.

I felt immensely sorry for Cindy - bullied by the Beales, who would only play nice until they got Beth in their slimey little hands and then who knows what would happen to Cindy? They couldn't let her go; she knows too much. So what happens when she starts to "cause trouble" in the household? Does Bobby strike again? What happens when Beth starts teething and "causing trouble" for the household?

It's clear who calls the shots in Casa Beale.

Still, I'm happy she played her trump card. It's worth remembering what a Hammer House of Horror Ian Beale's house has become and how deeply ingrained he's become in concealing his daughter's killer and accomplice.

Go, Cindy. And don't forget that even though TJ might have walked away, his dad wanted to step up to the plate.

Young Love. Here's the message EastEnders is imparting to the viewers about the gay community: when you fall out with your partner or when things aren't right on the love front, revert to good old-fashioned heterosexual sex. When Sonia was dismayed by Tina, she ran to have sex with Martin. Ben's got a crush on Paul and he can't requite this crush in public, he's annoyed by Phil and ends up shagging Abi on the floor of The Arches.

Abi really is a sublimely stupid girl. Years ago, when she sought to seduce Jay and pop her cherry, she left a trail of transluscent candles all over Booty and up its staircase to a curiously flammable duvet on the floor - not to mention all those highly flammable beauty oils and hair sprays; now, tonight, she spreads the same bundle of transluscent candles - which must have cost a fortune - all over the garage, with the same sort of highly flammable textiles on the floor. 

Really, Abi? All that naked flame in a place positively redolent of petrol and engine oil?

Abi was pathetically funny tonight, with all the emphasis on the pathos. Abi, Ben just isn't that into you. He's more into the photos from Grindr on his phone, particularly that of Paul Coker, so Abi seeks advice from her former friend and current nemesis, Lola, the most pitifully underused character on the programme. 

Lola's facial expressions were a portrait of "too much information" and comically so, as Abi floundered about, thinking that a fumbly one night stand which produced Lexi would make her expert enough to tell Abi what Ben "liked." He likes boys, Abi, and the things boys do together sexually.

And what he had with you in the Arches, Abi, was frustrated, angry sex.

I dread the smirk she'll have on her face on Friday, and I'm a bit worried. DTC likes babies, and whenever Ben dips his wick into a heterosexual situation, he seems to leave the lady with child.

Watch this space.

The Croakers and the Snakey Bitch. Well, we got it early, so I suppose DTC et al have it out of their system. I'm talking about the ubiquitous topless shot of the latest piece of male beefcake on the show - Paul Coker. 

That said, I like Paul. He's the one redeeming part of a truly awful family - overacting Les, nosey, hyperactive Pam (I've never seen a character gasp with excitement as much as Pam Coker).

(Gasp!) There's my grandson, Paul.
(Gasp!) I don't know whether to hug or kiss you!
(Gasp!) It's my birthday! Breakfast in bed!
(Gasp!) Ooh, The Albert! All this for me!
(Gasp!) I don't want to dance anymore, Shrimpy!

He's onto Les, and he's got no time for Claudette's shenanigans as well. Speaking of which, she came across as one preening, slimey bitch tonight, the way she sidled into the bar, admiring Vincent's "accomplishment." All his bar? All his and Kim's bar? I think not.

I notice that Claudette is quick to trashmouth Paul, who knows exactly what's been going on between her and his grandfather. 

Do I care? Do the viewers? No. The Cokers are an atrociously boring couple, played by two hammy actors, but Paul is their ace in the hole. There's a mother out there someplace, who'll return someday, and I suspect she, Pam (the lesser of two evils) and Paul will set up some sort of household.

Les and the abysmal Claudette can go fall down a hole someplace. Get Paul away from these crypt-like people and into an affair with Ben that will bite Abi hard.

Sharon's One-upmanship. That's one-nil to Sharon, and boy, was that done with panache and style. That was Den's daughter, who isn't afraid to use a person remorselessly and hit below the belt in order to achieve what she wants.

And this time, Phil was genuinely stymied because Sharon kept up the pretence flawlessly about Gordon being her dad. Phil's head was spinning, but Sharon was one-up on him all the way. In what appeared to be a sleepless night for everyone in Walford, she even had Phil there.

Phil orders that Gordon be gone by morning?

Sharon: You can forget about seeing one penny of that money if you're gone by the time I wake up!

Cooking a fry-up, taking him on a tour of Walford and for a drink in the Vic, Sharon was in her element, and Phil was clearly confused and uncomfortable. Sharon wanted one thing - she wanted to hear Phil admit to her face that Gordon wasn't her father. 

This boiled down to a hyper game of Blink.

Sharon proposes that she and Phil pay to renovate Gordon's house, and Phil sat stolid, but uncomfortable at Sharon piling thousands of pounds in Gordon's hands. He even tried to run away with the money, because Gordon was as bemused and uncomfortable as Phil. It seems Gordon was "supplied" by Ritchie.

All it took was Linda being introduced by Phil to Sharon's father to send Sharon weeping into the toilet, where Linda found and confronted her, having heard about The Albert. When Sharon asserted that Gordon wasn't her dad, Linda misunderstood and thought she meant that he wasn't what she thought he'd be, but then Sharon revealed that this was a man whom Phil had paid to impersonate her father. She asked Linda what she'd have done had Mick ever pulled a trick like that, but Linda can't fathom, because Mick would never have done that.

Sharon has to hear Phil admit, himself, what he'd done, so she does what only a daughter of Den Watts would do - she uses the thing closest to Phil's heart and hits below the belt.

What a huge surprise to hear Sharon stride from the Ladies' to meet Ben and announce that she wanted Gordon to tell Ben about Kathy. I thought Phil would gag a maggot at that one! But she only wanted to push the right buttons to force Phil's hand. She kept prodding Gordon about his memories of Kathy, how Kathy was kind to him when he'd nick fruit off the market ... on and on until Phil was forced to admit, and publically ... and loudly ... that Gordon wasn't Sharon's father.

Sharon made him repeat it. Repetition for emphasis and all that. And not only is Sharon visibly disgusted and annoyed, but Ben is also. He cannot fathom why Phil would have done that.

To Gordon, in another day and age known as Nick the Greek, goes the optimum line of the night as he departed:-

You lot are twisted!

Back at chez Mitchell, when Phil confronts Sharon, she's righteous. She didn't want to involve or hurt Ben, but he had to hear Phil admit what he'd done. She's confused as to why he's done this, but she issues a Lysistrata ultimatum. She's going to get her bar back and find her father, and she doesn't want Phil near her until she does so. She can't even admit anymore to Linda that she loves Phil, and is this any wonder.

I've no doubt Phil has his valid reasons for keeping Gavin's existence a secret from Sharon, but this has all come across to her in the wrong way, especially since it's been tainted by his sacrificing her business at the altar of Roswell Ronnie's arse.

Sharon's being served with some great one-liners in the past two episodes, and she got in another tonight when Phil returned home to find she'd packed his bag for him.

Well, what did you expect? Your dinner on the table?

You go, girlfriend. Someplace Den, Angie and Pauline are pissing themselves with laughter.

Character Studies - Review:- Tuesday 02.06.2015

This was a brilliant episode, owned by Lorna Fitzgerald, Mimi Keene and, of course, Letitia Dean. This one was one for the ladies, and one for Paul Coker als running theme throughout the episode was how one person, usually the weaker link in a relationship, turns a situation to their own advantage and makes the stronger party squirm.

The Bullying Beales. Believe me, there isn't a creepier household on the Square than the Beale household. The way Ian and the sociopathic control freak, Jane, and their beetle-browed psychopath of a son, Bobby, have put the controlling mockers on Cindy Williams, all for want of her baby, is beyond belief, sinister and with a strong undercurrent of cruelty.

I'm not a fan of Cindy's. I never have been,but in this instance, I admire her character greatly. She got pregnant and had her child for all the wrong reasons, and now she realises that she isn't ready to be a mother and wants her child adopted. For various reasons, the Beales seem to think they have a God-given right to this child - Jane, probably, because she was made infertile by an accident in which Lucy Beale played a significant part. Therefore, when she's presented with a baby in the Beale household, going up for adoption, it's hers by right - or so she thinks. 

For Ian, Baby Beth is a second chance to redeem himself for all the parental mistakes he made with Lucy.

The worm turns when Jane confides to Ian that Carol told her Cindy wants someone other than the Beales to adopt her child, and the horror show on offer after that is purely disgusting. Between themselves, Ian and Jane plan an evening filled with a quiet meal and peaceful passive-aggressive bullying of Cindy into submission, but Ian just can't pull it off.

Cindy is onto their ubiquitous game of good-cop-bad-cop - Jane, being all nice and reasonable (and phonily so) and Ian belloweathering and threatening Cindy; but for all they go on and on at the girl, they aren't interested in anything she has to say or any opinion she might have on the subject of Beth,who is, after all Cindy's child.

Yeah, Cindy might whine about people not listening to her, but guess what? No one does. You cannot force someone to allow you to adopt their child. It's coercion, and, really, it's a form of abuse. Also, the Beales- apart from Bobby - don't give a rat's arse about Cindy; she's only at the dinner table because she's "gifted" them Beth. They pretend not to understand how difficult it would be for Cindy to remain a part of a household where she sees her child every day and is told to consider her her sister. They pretend not to understand that Cindy doesn't want that, and Cindy is of an age where she has a right to interject her own opinion over what should happen to her child.

By the way, Mimi Keene rose to that scene. Anyone who thinks that a youngster in those circumstances wouldn't raise their voice or flick their hair about, really isn't paying attention.

Ian orders Cindy about like a skivvy, and even after she flounces out of the house, the creepy couple are still plotting about how to bring Cindy around to their persuasion.

Enter psycho Bobby, wearing the same pyjamas in which he killed Lucy, glowering at Ian and intimating that Cindy and Beth had both better stay ... implying, or else. (Why else? Ian and Jane the Queen would be too big for psycho Bobby to batter about. Cindy and Beth are much easier targets for Bobby's murdering tendencies.) Bobby hates arguments. He reminds me of another sinister psychopath kid. 

Years ago, there was a television programme in the US called The Twilight Zone. One episode stands out in particular, about a creepy little kid who was a lot like Bobby ...

The most sinister part of this entire portion of the programme came at the end of the Beales' lot, when Ian and a curiously dispassionate Bobby were rapt in playing a violent video game, and Jane returned from having scoured the streets looking for Cindy. She was still worried about what Cindy might say to the social worker scheduled to visit the next day, when Ian puts her mind at rest. Everything is under control. Why? Well, he leaves Bobby to reassure Jane.

Dad says nobody is going anywhere.

Run, Cindy, run ... and take Beth.

Abi. Abi is the new Sharon. That's Sharon as was twenty-odd years gone past, when she'd just got involved, neck-deep, in Mitchells. I'll say this for the writer of this episode. He's done his homework,because every one of Ben's lines he used on Abi were, almost word-for-word, sophomoric lines of false assurance uttered to Sharon by either Grant or Phil in years gone by.

Abi suspects something isn't right about Ben the moment she clocks that he "smells different." The smell is a soupcon of aftershave used by Paul Coker, which rubbed off on Ben from his close shave with Paul. Abi's been in total denial about Ben's sexuality from the getgo. She fell back into his arms after Jay dumped her for her atrocious behaviour at the time of Sharon's wedding and also when Lauren was having, first, a relationship with Dean and then Peter, Abi was jealous and felt left out. Yet there's always a lingering doubt at the back of her mind.

It's been amusing for the past few days, watching Abi play up cosy domesticity to the point of forcing Ben to her will, whilst Ben lamely protests and skulks around looking at Grindr. I can't believe that Abi actually brought Ben to her firm's do, the only significant other present, simply because she wanted to show him off. Line of the night goes to Abi's boss, assessing her strengths as receptionist at his veterinary practice:-

She's very good with dead pets.

Yep. Just ask poor Tramp.

You have to admit, Abi would have to be a fool not to have noticed Ben's overt behaviour - the way he refused to sit with her at the dinner, his constant eyeing of Paul Coker, the messages from Paul on his phone, and the way Ben was intent in his attention to his messages whilst everyone else was waiting for Sharon.

Very interesting scene when Abi finally confronted Ben and asked him if he'd kissed Paul, that Jay was earwigging, with a frown burrowed deeply on his forehead, as he listened to Ben feed her verbal placebos and promise her that she was, indeed, the one for him and had always been. 

Abi hasn't always been the nicest character. At times, you've wanted to throttle her, but now that she's ingrained into the Mitchell dynamic, and at such a young age, she'll feel the full force of Ben's betrayal very deeply, and for that, I can feel sympathy for her.

Paul. Early doors, I like him. He's confident and seems like a nice lad. He also has the full measure of Les and hates to see him deceiving Pam. I don't like the Cokers much, and I think Les's hammyness makes June Brown's head-bobbing look divine.

Paul knows about Les and Claudette. Les knows that Paul knows and isn't too keen for him to stick around. So this has nothing at all to do with Laurie's death and Paul'sanger at Pam for having euthanised his father. Oh well, another backstory changed somewhat. 

Paul's sticking around, and no doubt, we'll see his mother put in an appearance, probably about the time that Les and Pam are written out of the series.

And Finally ... Sharon. Ladies and gentleman, Walford's real Princess has come home. Finally. It's taken since 2012 and it's been torturous, but at last, a writer has finally got the measure of Sharon and her understanding of the Mitchells.

The very arrogance of Ronnie. thinking that Sharon should give up her business and her livelihood just to save Ronnie's worthless rawhide arse. The remark she made about Phil being unable to "control" his wife just tells you that Ronnie's understanding crux of what relationships are all about is simply control. She seeks to control not only Roxy, but her husband; and she thinks this should be the crux of Phil's relationship with Sharon.

And, actually, this isn't Phil's understanding of his marriage at all. What the Mitchells fear is someone shopping Ronnie to the police about her killing of Carl White, which would bring the entire dynamic down, considering that Phil, Roxy, Sharon and now Charlie are part and parcel of that secret.

It was good seeing Sharon back to her true self. She knows the Mitchells as well as she knows herself, and immediately she returns from Phil showing her her "father," she isn't swayed by his mollifying words about how she belongs with him, however sincere he may have been. Her first priority, however, is to see Vincent. Alone. Without Phil.

Actually, those scenes with Sharon made Vincent a tad likeable. Take him away from the awfulness that is Ronnie and Kim's preening and prancing, and he can be quite bearable. He's yet another one who was "Walford-born-and-bred" - still Walford's a sizeable place, but not so sizeable that Vincent hadn't heard of Den Watts. He seemed suitably impressed that Sharon was, indeed, Den's daughter, with Den's contacts.

A lot of people can't seem to fathom Kim's regression back to bad comic type tonight - Shirley's line This is The Albert, not Southfork when Kim overdressed in order to horn in on the business talks Sharon was having with Vincent was an example of how unfunny Kim can be. She's now not content to be just a nappy-changer, she wants an active part. Vincent, however, has other plans, but Sharon softens when she sees how much he thinks of Pearl.

However, we witnessed a bit of Vincent's true opinion of Kim as he starts to change Pearl's dirty nappy. 

You're smelling a lot like your mother now.

Obviously, however, tonight's pièce de résistance was all about Sharon's "father." Gordon Cook, formerly Nick the Greek from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, just couldn't keep the pretence up. You knew the truth was out when he uttered the words I can't do this to Sharon, as she looked her most vulnerable, begging for his acknowledgement, not wanting anything other than to thank him and ask him how he knew Den. That killed it for Gordon, with the twist in the tale coming at the end. However, you felt that Sharon was playing Phil the moment she played sweet and pretty to Phil when she brought Gordon home as her dad.

If there were another deserving line of the night, it was Sharon's succinct and brilliantly honest barb to Ronnie, who was demanding her help in walking up the stairs.

You're lucky I don't kick that stick from under you. And that was before she left her standing, mouth agape, to run back to the kitchen to get Phil away from speaking to Gordon.

Sharon's playing the Mitchells at their own game, and this is what Sharon is really like. Of course, there's a reason Phil doesn't want Sharon to know about her father, GAVIN, but we're going to have to wait for that. In the meantime, Ronnie's due some major Karma. 

The Prodigal Returns - Review:- Monday 01.06.2015

I'm overly generous when it comes to my favourite writer, Daran Little, but tonight I can definitely say that more than any EastEnders' writer, bar Sarah Phelps, he caught the true essence of Sharon's character. Letitia Dean, Lindsay Coulson and Mimi Keene owned that episode.

Sharon-doubters, hark up! Give the lady the right material, and Letitia Dean lights up the screen.

Let's start with the bleeding obvious first.

This Was a Filler Episode for the Cokers. I imagine the current crop of episodes we're about to be served were those which were filmed during Danny Dyer's extended family holiday in the Caribbean around Easter time. Hence, the Mitchell emphasis and the opportunity to forge a backstory with the Cokers.

So tonight Harry Styles came to Walford. Or his double.

Paul Coker has been many things during all the months he's been mentioned and unseen, but he established himself tonight. When he was first mentioned, he was traveling and on a gap year. Tonight we find he's been AWOL since he was 17 and bragged that he'd been holiday repping in Turkey and thereabouts. He had money, he assured Lola - another reason I gave the episode high marks; one can never get enough of Lola.

Pam gave us all the impression that Paul had been angered by the fact that Pam had euthanised Laurie, Paul's dad, who was dying, and this was the reason he'd stayed away from them and failed to contact them. It was implied that he was angry.

Tonight, however, it seems that he was less angry with Pam than with Les, and it would appear that he knows that Les has been having an affair with Auntie Grace, pardon, the absolutely dire Claudette.

(The single worst moment in tonight's episode came when Les was giving the hearse a polish and Claudette appeared and cooed, You look as though you could do with a massage.

The imagery had me gagging maggots, but what was worse was that these two play out their wrinkly passion under the nose of nosey Pam, who's so busy interfering in other people's lives that she isn't aware of what's going on closer to home.)

Another thing that was established about Paul tonight was that he was yet another lurker, someone who clings to the corners of buildings and sneaks around alleyways and behind market stalls, eyeballing people. Walford has a surfeit of women who have been sexually abused by family members, they have a surfeit of people who have daddy issues, and they have a surfeit of people missing a parent who'll turn up on the doorstep sometime or another. They now have a surfeit of lurkers also - Dean, Vincent and now Paul, who also qualifies in the penultimate category, because tonight we learned that his mother walked out on him when he was tiny - shades of Shirey! - and that inevitably means that sometime, sooner rather than later, his mother will surface in Walford to claim her secret son.

Maybe DVO is his mother? Maybe she's Lola's mother also. Maybe Paul and Lola are long-lost siblings. The mind boggles.

Oh, and Paul is gay.

Paul is the Johnny Carter contingency plan, and tonight we saw a glimpse of what he probably was originally intended to be and what he had to be by dint of Sam Strike striking out. I have a felling Paul was supposed to be the too cute boyfriend of Lola, with Johnny Carter being the obvious attraction for Ben. Now with Johnny gone, Paul steps into the breach and literally sweeps Ben off his feet.

I like Harry Reid, but I couldn't help stifle a laugh tonight at the way poor Ben's being henpecked by the desperate Abi. Abi's convinced herself that she loves Ben, but I get the inkling that she's doing a lot of this to rankle Jay more than a bit. Ben's smitten, but it seems to me that Paul's the one who'll love the one he's with if he can't be with the one he loves, who happens to be a few thousand miles away. The look on Ben's face after that passionate kiss was a beaut!

Of course, we know what's bound to happen. Ben will set up a cosy afternoon/evening in bed with Paul and be disturbed by Abi. Bring it on! Abi deserves every bit of karma biting her ample posterior for the entitled way she's behaved all year. She deserves the absolute worst possible for killing poor Tramp. I hope that haunts her every day.

As for the Cokers, they're really there now, more or less, to anchor Paul. The actor who plays Les is the only actor on the programme who's hammier than June Brown. No wonder the pair share few scenes. Pam's cosiness and her nosiness put me right off. And Claudette ... the least said about her, the better. I dislike intensely her entire family.

She's sleeping with Les and pretends to be concerned about his wife's emotional well-being, even telling him that his grandson was an attention-seeker. Who the hell is this woman? She'd be better off looking after her own donkey.

I don't think Paul is a holiday rep anymore than I think Lola is the assistant manager (of sorts) of Blades. I do think, perhaps, he's a rent boy, attaching himself to wealthy gay men for trips around the world.

Saint Carol of the Common Sense. I'm no fan of Cindy's, but I'm totally Team Cindy in her fight against the creepy Beales as they seek to adopt her daughter. I'm glad Cindy's got Carol with whom she can talk.

Cindy has the measure of the Beales and more. As we know, she knows their dirty, little secret. She also knows that she is too young to be a mother to her child, and too distracted to have the child raised as her "sister." When she tells Carol that she's the girl the Beales couldn't get rid of, who only became that much more bearable because she had a baby, she's really meaning that she became more malleable and easier for them to manipulate to their own ends. The Beales want Beth - she's the baby to which Jane thinks she's entitled, and she's Ian's second chance to redeem himself as a parent to Lucy's memory, but as Cindy says, Beth is her daughter and she gets to decide her fate, not the Beales.

How creepy was Jane, floating by the cafe with the new pram, wittering on to Carol about how she wanted to shower Beth with new things and hoped to impress the Social Worker. Well, whatever Carol told Jane, she had no right to do so.

My Sharona.

By the way, Gordon isn't her father.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms Watts has entered the building. How long has it been since we've seen Phil Mitchell with a guilty look on his face?

The scene of the night was when Sharon was sitting at the dining room table and absolutely crucifying Phil with home truths. The very thought that Phil would use the one thing he'd given Sharon, the investment that he'd made in her which she made pay, to bail out Ronnie's worthless cowhide is utterly insulting to her. Sharon knows the Mitchells inside and out, reminding Phil that Ian had urged her not to marry him, telling him that he loved only himself, and maybe his mother and his brother - but then, Phil had it in him always to occasionally treat Peggy like a piece of shite, and now Sharon's in Peggy's position.

I'm glad of the continuity that Daran Little used for Sharon to remind Phil that Ronnie had robbed Phil blind - not once, but twice. All Phil could do was stammer out excuses that he had no choice, that Vincent had found out about Ronnie killing Carl White. The argument for Phil was that with Ronnie's guilt out in the open, that could have brought all of them down - well, at least, Phil, Sharon, Roxy and certainly Shirley, all of whom knew about the murder.

There were two high points of Sharon's confrontation with Phil tonight - the first was when she was berating Phil about his having bailed Ronnie out, when she reminded him that Grant would have done things differently.

Good. Phil needed to hear that, needed to be reminded of the brother whom Sharon married first and who chose him over Phil, and would most likely do so again. Yes, Grant would have done things differently. He'd have bounced Vincent around Walford, made him cry, and then told Ronnie to "do one."

I'm glad she reminded him of his "blood kin" fetish, remarking that this was one time he should have put her first and asking the hypothetical question of giving him a Solomon choice of Sharon and Ronnie hanging off a cliff, which would he choose? As it seems Phil can't resist putting blood kin above his wife, she'll find her father and then take her son and leave.

The other moment tonight came when she smacked the living shit out of Phil in The Albert when she found he'd forged her signature on the sale of the Vic. Line of the night to Sharon:-

Get out from behind my bar, before I drag you out by your cheap weave!

Sharon is right. Vincent doesn't know with whom he's dealing in Sharon. That was foreshadowing. We don't know yet of what Sharon's birth father, Gavin, is like.

Phil reduced to trailing Sharon up the Square, assuring her that The Albert fiasco was only temporary paled beside his next porky pie, although I have a feeling that Phil, wanting to put Sharon off the search for her birth father, is intended to protect her. 

But there it was, a name that's been mentioned once before is mentioned again tonight by a second woman. 

A couple of weeks ago, Phil asked Kathy Does Gavin suspect anything?

And tonight when Phil presented Sharon with an address and telling her he'd found her birth father, Sharon said You've found Gavin?

No matter that Phil told her the man's name was Gordon and that he'd changed his name, this is all a ruse. Present Sharon with the very sort of council house drunken and unkempt chav as her father and hope she'll back off. 

Phil's not realising that after The Albert scam, Sharon is taking everything Phil says with a large pinch of salt.

Good episode.