That just about sums this episode and the problems the show still has to a tee. Days - and now, even weeks - of watchable episodes, and suddenly up pops sheer tripe, which is what tonight's episode was.
Yes, it was a filler, but it was a filler in the mode of Newman or even Kirkwood, and it stank. Every bit of it.
The Cow Comes Home.
Rattle, rattle, rattle
Here comes the cattle ...
Yes, you guessed it ... Jane is back in Walford, and I still cannot fathom why Peter summoned her or why she came - especially when she couldn't be bothered to visit before, especially since Jane has a child who lives with Peter.
But there she stood in the doorway tonight, smiling that dorky, smug bovine smile like a mother smirking at a recalcitrant adolescent.
The visit accomplished nothing, absolutely nothing, except to make Denise feel even more like a spare part than she's been feeling lately. Jane fusses over the kids, and that entire sequence is a joke, because this is the first time Jane's seen those kids since she left - in point of fact, it's the first time she's actually seen Peter and NuBobby.
Ian's dilemma is that, yet again, he's "settling" for a woman he doesn't love. Oh, he's fond of Denise, and she's good with the kids, so he thinks. (Cue Lucy's snide remark:- Denise is Denise.) Denise is a hard worker and a sensible woman.
But he doesn't love her.
Just like he didn't love Jane.
I suppose he's afraid Denise will fall out of love with him, the way Jane did, but Denise, like Jane, doesn't love Ian either. Like Jane, Denise is wanting a safe, nice dependable bloke (the mainstay of EastEnders is always the dependable bloke - Alfie, Fatboy, Billy Mitchell, Ian - give it two months and Mick Carter will be a member of that club).
Whilst Ian runs off to sit and rock back and forth on his haunches in the darkened restaurant, Denise is sharing a drink at the B and B with the latest offensive racial stereotype, Wayne, boyfriend of Zara Phillips Nancy Carter, and filling him up with all sorts of gratuitous advice about standing his ground with his girlfriend's dad, following his dream yadda yadda, even using the latest urban lingo Yolo ..you only live once.
Maybe she's listening to what she's saying because, if Denise were uncertain about Ian before,the appearance of Jane threw all that out the window tonight.
Then there was the totally bizarre scene of Jane visiting Ian in the restaurant and criticising eveything from the name of the place to the decor, when that's nothing whatsoever to do with her. We learn that she's got a new man, and his name is Iain, spelled I-A-I-N, the posh version. She's got a late model car, a good job and she tells Ian that his future is Denise. As if to add insult to injury, she tells Ian's kids that they should have gone to Denise instead of her, that she was no longer a part of the family and, by the way, see you soon.
How soon is soon? How long is a piece of string? Bobby is Jane's son, so she's content to pop into his life only from time to time to say hello and be called mum and then to refer him back to Denise.
She does, however, stick around long enough to run into Max and to comment on how he'd "downgraded" from Tanya and to inform him that Tanya, too, has a new man.
Well, we know that Tanya never lets grass grow under her feet. His name is Tim (Nice-but-Dim to get with Tanya), and - according to Jane - he's a "keeper" who treats her the way she deserves to be treated. Translation: He's got a fat wallet and is used to keeping a woman for sex, as in "kept woman." So Tanya's really what she's always been - a money-grubbing whore.
I hope this is the last we see of Jane-la-Vache.
Should He Stay or Should He Go?
AJ's got a job in Birmingham, and cheated on the coin toss to decide if he should stay or go.
I guess he didn't really want to stay with Masood, after all. A quota'd character played by an experienced actor, who wasn't used to his potential.
He won't be missed, but it should have been Tamwar who left and not AJ.
All Change at the Vic.
This is a con, right? It's DTC's vanity piece to pack the pub with assorted yokels, just to show the viewers how much more popular the Carters are running the Vic as opposed to Kat and Alfie. And for good measure, we'll have Kat and Alfie show up to give the Carters their blessing.
Plenty of banter about Billy pulling a lesbian, Max showing up to be accosted by Kirstie waving her divorce papers and wanting a drink, and to top it all off, there's an arm-wrestling competition, and Dexter, that foul piece of flesh who's still stinking up the place, is eyeing up Linda Carter's arse, only to find out from Zara Phillips Nancy that Linda used to get her tits out for the lads in the tabloids many years ago.
The big question is - did Denise accept Ian's proposal because she loves him or because he's a safe, financial bet?
Awful episode.
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