Oh dear ... what's wrong with EastEnders? Two weeks before the start of what the Messiah touts as the storyline to bring down the house at its reveal next February, and the show is like a wet fish.
Yes, we know he's a very naughty boy, who lets his ego get the best of him. One wonders how hard it was even to impose a three-month suspension on one of his personal favourites, Ricky Norwood, caught playing with himself in the nude and smoking a spliff, whilst Skyping a glamour model he'd met online.
Norwood is either very arrogant or very stupid, which doesn't say a lot for him either way - and at least, the public got to know his real age in all this kerfuffle. At 28, he's no youngster, and he's been on the show and should be street suss enough to know that you never strip down and shake your booty in someone's webcam, especially if that someone is someone you only met online.
Norwood's been suspended, and if past events are anything to go by, that fantabulous one-year contract the Messiah offered one of his favourite disciples will come to nought when it's renewal time. No need to explain Fatboy's three-month absence from our screens. No one misses him anyway.
And as one door closes, another opens, with the imminent arrival of Lee Carter, played by someone with the name Danny-Boy Hatchard. Who the fuck names their child Danny-Boy?
It seems Lee's going to arrive before Dean, he's going to have the ubiquitous secret, he's going to sleep with Bag O'Bones Beale, be accused of her murder, and he's ugly, which makes a change from all the catalogue and underwear models we've been served up in the past.
In case you don't realise, Lee is the latest amalgamation of Grant Mitchell and Sean Slater. For Grant's Falklands and Sean's Iraq, read Lee's Afghanistan, even though that venture is winding down significantly.
Oh well, what better way to integrate the Messiah's royal family more into the Square than to have Number One Son accused of the murder of a legacy character played by an anorexic pisspoor actress?
Who-Who-Are-You?
Mick's nursing a shiner, after being assaulted by someone we all thought was Dean on Friday night. Queen Shirley the Scrote, when she hears of the attack, thinks it's Dean also. The family sits at the breakfast table, cheek-by-jowl, and eats Tina the Court Jester-cum-Village Idiot's burned eggs, except for Linda, who sits in her curlers and applies her make-up at the kitchen table during mealtime.
Why is it nearly every female on the show, from Cora right on down to Tiffany, is shown applying slap at the kitchen/dining room table? There's surely such a thing as a bedroom or a bathroom.
Something's bothering Mick about the smack he got, and we don't realise what it is until he happens upon Max and they have a heart-to-heart.
Max works well in the avuncular male counsellor role. At least, with another man, he's not apt to reach out and tongue him. Something about Max bonding with Mick over "lost boys" - Bradley and Lee - brings out Mick's confession. Mick thinks the kid who smacked him one was Lee. Same height, same build, just something about him reminded him of his son.
Even though Max assures him that a father never stops looking for a "lost boy" (and Lee's alive to Bradley's being dead), Mick can't quite shake the feeling that this was Lee, which would mean something was wrong as he wasn't where he was supposed to be - i.e., Afghanistan and the army.
There's something else to consider, which I daresay Mick can't get his head around. Dean was staying with Stan. Now it looks as though the Mystery Man who might be Lee was staying with Stan also. Two grandsons, whom he hasn't seen in years - maybe never, with Dean - and yet they choose to turn to him, when they may be in trouble, rather than their parents.
It seems that Stan is as big a liar as Shirley or any of the other Carters, considering the yarn he spun Mick. What I want to know is why Stan's so vilified? Yes, he put two very young children in care, rather than trust his barely adolescent daughter to care for them. But by the time they'd returned to his house, to be cared for by Aunt Babe, Shirley, Madame Maternal, was off married to Kevin, having James and sleeping around and getting two more children whom she dumped on Kevin and left to party with Heather. So much for Shirley "bringing up" Mick and Tina. At least we know that Stan didn't diddle, although he did many other "bad things." Mick remembers him as "never being there," but the Court Jester loves him.
She loves him so much, she brings the old boy right back to the Vic, where she and her mooching sister live by the grace and favour of the brother of whom they take advantage.
Really, who allows any able-bodied adult and feckless aunts, one an amoral old scrote and the other a retard, to live with their family, especially since these two dumbarses have burned down a business and have robbed them blind?
Now onto Sweet Johnny, who seems to have got by since coming out, with making funny faces in response to his mother's off-the-wall racist and homophobic remarks, and little else. He's well on his way to ending whatever law career he hopes to have before it starts, because he's gone from being the mole for his mother working in Sharon's new venture, to suggesting that the Brat Pack - that odious triumvirate of Shitney, Bag O'Bones Beale and the Gurning Girl plus pretty Peter Beale and Lola - come back with him for a private party at the as yet unopened Albert bar.
These things never end well. Think Shirley, Jean and Bianca at Ian's restaurant.
Is he really that stupid? Are they? Do they not realise that, even with a key, this is breaking and entering? Do they really think Sharon's that stupid not to notice what's been messed up, broken etc? You'd actually think Peter Beale would know better, since he's previously been presented as a young man of uncommon good sense.
And Shitney is falling in love with Johnny ... what could be worse?
The Shaggerman Returneth.
First Newman gave us Who Shagged Kat? Now DTC gives us the sequel Who Shagged Lucy? That's easy to find out. Just get Jake or Max to strip and examine the bruises on their body obtained from lying on the bones (because there's no flesh) of Lucy Beale.
We're going to get the prime suspect shortly, when scurvy little Lucy sleeps with ugly Lee Carter. Of course, everyone is going to suspect the battle-scarred, looney-tune soldier, but have you noticed the suspects lining up ... Billy Mitchell, Jake Stone, Max Branning, Lee Carter ...
That can only mean one thing - the killer is a woman - Lauren, Ronnie, Denise, Jane ...
But really, who the hell cares? Lucy has always been a totally unlikeable character, and now she's an unlikeable character played by an actress with no talent. Hetti Bywater seriously looks like a starving little girl who'se dressed in her mother's clothing and who forgot to take the outfits off the coat hangers. No matter how much crimson lipstick they slap on her mouth-breathing face, no matter how much they might coil her straw-like rat-tailed hair, she still looks like a bratty entitled kid playing grown-up.
Lauren, the Gurning Girl, is even worse ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.
Whoever thinks dumb Lucy and even dumber Lauren can strike a business deal is the target one-brain-celled aim of DTC's EastEnders. These two twenty year-olds hardly emanate business nous. If anything, Lucy's out to prostitute herself in order to get business.
If Lauren kills Lucy, I hope she goes to prison and away from the show. The actress who plays Lauren is either too dumb or too arrogant to realise that once Lauren kills, she's toast, herself.
Axe, please.
Hair.
Carol's losing hers. And she's spent one day sick in bed. You'd think, however, she'd have apprised her grandchildren of the side effects of chemo. They must wonder why she spent that day in bed, but she's back running about as normal. Nowt's changed here. She's angry with David, but shallow enough to make things right when he buys her a silk scarf.
Pretty awful episode redeemed by Timothy West, CBE.
Yes, we know he's a very naughty boy, who lets his ego get the best of him. One wonders how hard it was even to impose a three-month suspension on one of his personal favourites, Ricky Norwood, caught playing with himself in the nude and smoking a spliff, whilst Skyping a glamour model he'd met online.
Norwood is either very arrogant or very stupid, which doesn't say a lot for him either way - and at least, the public got to know his real age in all this kerfuffle. At 28, he's no youngster, and he's been on the show and should be street suss enough to know that you never strip down and shake your booty in someone's webcam, especially if that someone is someone you only met online.
Norwood's been suspended, and if past events are anything to go by, that fantabulous one-year contract the Messiah offered one of his favourite disciples will come to nought when it's renewal time. No need to explain Fatboy's three-month absence from our screens. No one misses him anyway.
And as one door closes, another opens, with the imminent arrival of Lee Carter, played by someone with the name Danny-Boy Hatchard. Who the fuck names their child Danny-Boy?
It seems Lee's going to arrive before Dean, he's going to have the ubiquitous secret, he's going to sleep with Bag O'Bones Beale, be accused of her murder, and he's ugly, which makes a change from all the catalogue and underwear models we've been served up in the past.
In case you don't realise, Lee is the latest amalgamation of Grant Mitchell and Sean Slater. For Grant's Falklands and Sean's Iraq, read Lee's Afghanistan, even though that venture is winding down significantly.
Oh well, what better way to integrate the Messiah's royal family more into the Square than to have Number One Son accused of the murder of a legacy character played by an anorexic pisspoor actress?
Who-Who-Are-You?
Mick's nursing a shiner, after being assaulted by someone we all thought was Dean on Friday night. Queen Shirley the Scrote, when she hears of the attack, thinks it's Dean also. The family sits at the breakfast table, cheek-by-jowl, and eats Tina the Court Jester-cum-Village Idiot's burned eggs, except for Linda, who sits in her curlers and applies her make-up at the kitchen table during mealtime.
Why is it nearly every female on the show, from Cora right on down to Tiffany, is shown applying slap at the kitchen/dining room table? There's surely such a thing as a bedroom or a bathroom.
Something's bothering Mick about the smack he got, and we don't realise what it is until he happens upon Max and they have a heart-to-heart.
Max works well in the avuncular male counsellor role. At least, with another man, he's not apt to reach out and tongue him. Something about Max bonding with Mick over "lost boys" - Bradley and Lee - brings out Mick's confession. Mick thinks the kid who smacked him one was Lee. Same height, same build, just something about him reminded him of his son.
Even though Max assures him that a father never stops looking for a "lost boy" (and Lee's alive to Bradley's being dead), Mick can't quite shake the feeling that this was Lee, which would mean something was wrong as he wasn't where he was supposed to be - i.e., Afghanistan and the army.
There's something else to consider, which I daresay Mick can't get his head around. Dean was staying with Stan. Now it looks as though the Mystery Man who might be Lee was staying with Stan also. Two grandsons, whom he hasn't seen in years - maybe never, with Dean - and yet they choose to turn to him, when they may be in trouble, rather than their parents.
It seems that Stan is as big a liar as Shirley or any of the other Carters, considering the yarn he spun Mick. What I want to know is why Stan's so vilified? Yes, he put two very young children in care, rather than trust his barely adolescent daughter to care for them. But by the time they'd returned to his house, to be cared for by Aunt Babe, Shirley, Madame Maternal, was off married to Kevin, having James and sleeping around and getting two more children whom she dumped on Kevin and left to party with Heather. So much for Shirley "bringing up" Mick and Tina. At least we know that Stan didn't diddle, although he did many other "bad things." Mick remembers him as "never being there," but the Court Jester loves him.
She loves him so much, she brings the old boy right back to the Vic, where she and her mooching sister live by the grace and favour of the brother of whom they take advantage.
Really, who allows any able-bodied adult and feckless aunts, one an amoral old scrote and the other a retard, to live with their family, especially since these two dumbarses have burned down a business and have robbed them blind?
Now onto Sweet Johnny, who seems to have got by since coming out, with making funny faces in response to his mother's off-the-wall racist and homophobic remarks, and little else. He's well on his way to ending whatever law career he hopes to have before it starts, because he's gone from being the mole for his mother working in Sharon's new venture, to suggesting that the Brat Pack - that odious triumvirate of Shitney, Bag O'Bones Beale and the Gurning Girl plus pretty Peter Beale and Lola - come back with him for a private party at the as yet unopened Albert bar.
These things never end well. Think Shirley, Jean and Bianca at Ian's restaurant.
Is he really that stupid? Are they? Do they not realise that, even with a key, this is breaking and entering? Do they really think Sharon's that stupid not to notice what's been messed up, broken etc? You'd actually think Peter Beale would know better, since he's previously been presented as a young man of uncommon good sense.
And Shitney is falling in love with Johnny ... what could be worse?
The Shaggerman Returneth.
First Newman gave us Who Shagged Kat? Now DTC gives us the sequel Who Shagged Lucy? That's easy to find out. Just get Jake or Max to strip and examine the bruises on their body obtained from lying on the bones (because there's no flesh) of Lucy Beale.
We're going to get the prime suspect shortly, when scurvy little Lucy sleeps with ugly Lee Carter. Of course, everyone is going to suspect the battle-scarred, looney-tune soldier, but have you noticed the suspects lining up ... Billy Mitchell, Jake Stone, Max Branning, Lee Carter ...
That can only mean one thing - the killer is a woman - Lauren, Ronnie, Denise, Jane ...
But really, who the hell cares? Lucy has always been a totally unlikeable character, and now she's an unlikeable character played by an actress with no talent. Hetti Bywater seriously looks like a starving little girl who'se dressed in her mother's clothing and who forgot to take the outfits off the coat hangers. No matter how much crimson lipstick they slap on her mouth-breathing face, no matter how much they might coil her straw-like rat-tailed hair, she still looks like a bratty entitled kid playing grown-up.
Lauren, the Gurning Girl, is even worse ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.
Whoever thinks dumb Lucy and even dumber Lauren can strike a business deal is the target one-brain-celled aim of DTC's EastEnders. These two twenty year-olds hardly emanate business nous. If anything, Lucy's out to prostitute herself in order to get business.
If Lauren kills Lucy, I hope she goes to prison and away from the show. The actress who plays Lauren is either too dumb or too arrogant to realise that once Lauren kills, she's toast, herself.
Axe, please.
Hair.
Carol's losing hers. And she's spent one day sick in bed. You'd think, however, she'd have apprised her grandchildren of the side effects of chemo. They must wonder why she spent that day in bed, but she's back running about as normal. Nowt's changed here. She's angry with David, but shallow enough to make things right when he buys her a silk scarf.
Pretty awful episode redeemed by Timothy West, CBE.
No comments:
Post a Comment