Thursday, April 3, 2014

Smoke and Mirrors - Review:- 01.04.2014

Did you realise that the Carters aren't what they are supposed to be?

No, they aren't. They're a smokescreen. A sleight of hand. A con. Despite his man crush on Danny Dyer (hence all the hairy top shots and clips of Dyer in his boxies, all to titillated DTC's palpatations - can't you just see him giggling and getting all excited?), Treadwell-Collins always knew Dyer would be a fly-by-night, someone to love him and leave him to return to his first love - failed gangsta films.

In less that two years' time, Mick and Linda will be a forgotten force. They'll be gone, at least one of their kids will be pushing up daisies, and DTC will have achieved his dream - the divisive, scrotey, bitter, old alcoholic bitch - yes, Mona, I said b-i-t-c-h, like you! - Shirley will properly be front and centre of the production.

After all, wasn't EgoBoy's very first tweet after his appointment as EP, relevant to Shirley - "Why not?" - implying that Shirley deserved to be the show's central character.

Clearly, Shirley is the man DTC wants to be ...

Too much of nothing is right. We saw it last night with perpetual retconning and miserable characters, plus the return of the Brat Pack, just when you thought things were improving.

Timothy West showed everyone up.

Daddy Cool.

The quality of Timothy West as an actor stands head and shoulders above the rest of the pedestrian Luddites who populate this show. For anyone thinking that West will become a fixture - think again. West is 80 years old and, apart from three months last year in Corrie, has never done a genre as gruelling a the soap genre. Plus, his much-loved wife is suffering from Alzheimers. If he's there three months, EastEnders will be blessed.

I'm intrigued by Stan. He's very much a man of his time, and that's not saying that he's a nice man. Blunt, yes; but I'd love to know what he's done to his family which makes Mick and the Scrote hate him so much, but doesn't affect the Court Jester at all.

The Court Jester ...

... is swift to remark that Mick always sides with Shirley. Indeed, that's true. In fact, Mick almost always sides with and defends his freeloading and feckless sisters, who really have no business horning in on his home and his business.

The Court Jester, like that sour-faced old scrote of a sister, needs a resounding smack from Linda, who - when she tried to intervene in Stan being brought to stay at the Vic - was succincty told by The Court Jester to shut the fuck up, Stan was their father and none of her business.

Really, Tina?

Linda has been your brother's wife since he was no better than a boy. She's a part of his life. You've horned into her home, disrupted her family, undermined her position and stolen from her. She should throw your sorry, retarded arse into the gutter from whence you came.

Several interesting items arose during Stan's brief visit - his claim that his wife would never have left, had it not been for Shirley. (If Shirley were my daughter, I'd leave also). Then there was the curious allegation that Stan had saved Mick's life one time - something that hit a raw nerve with the Scrote, who had to leave the room. That came before the tawdry joke about Lee coming back in a body bag - he's not, he's sat in Stan's front room sharing a cuppa with Dean.

Mick's Shirley-esque decision to leave his frail, injured father on a streetcorner in a wheelchair in Stratford was cruel beyond belief. Yes, he's a bitter old manipulator,who speaks as he finds; but if Mick's going to abandon his old man like that, he should return return the money he and his siblings weren't too good to con off the old man.

And while we're at it, Shirley's abandonment issues, inherited from her mother, and her alcoholism, inherited from her father, should be addressed. Forthwith.

BratVille Revisited.

Just when you thought we'd got over the atrocious bratpack of whining, mumbling, entitled youth who have dominated our screens for the past three years ... they're back! Yest, DTC has given the show a whole new perspective on Millennials, especially for Millennials, because Millennials, those self-obsessed and spoiled overgrown children who want 24/7 entertainment on tap, are DTC's target audience. Secretly, when he's not wanting to be Shirley, he's wanting to be a Millennial, and it shows.

We have a new dynamic, with a few old familiar faces, like ...


Lauren, whom he's trying to make sympathetic and responsible. And Bag O'Bones Beale, Walford's resident stick insect. She's about to die, but before she does so, DTC is going to give her a shot at being an inferior version of Janine. But she's not. After all, Janine killed rather than be killed. Then there's Shitney, the Walford Mattress, whom DTC prefers in victim mode - at least Newman gave her a job and unbelieveable qualifications.

New to the mix are sweet Johnny Carter, who looks as though he's either challenging Lauren to a gurning contest or suffering from interminable constipation or even that he's shat himself and can't stand the smell ... I can't decide which. And finallly, there are Lola and Peter, removed from the giggling, snorting and farting Abi the Dough-Faced Girl, who's beginning to bore Jay.

Because he didn't cast him, DTC doesn't like Peter Beale, the most mature, nicest and most level-headed of the youngsters, played by the best and most experienced actor. Under EgoBoy, Peter's become a pushy oaf, tactless, socially gauche and passive-aggressively bullying Lola, who's suddenly developed a bout of poor self-esteem in his association.

But above all of that, they are patently stupid, unthinking, selfish assholes, Why?

Well, it was rather dumb of Johnny, to abuse Sharon's trust, after she'd recently hired him as bar staff, to invite the rest of the numpties back to the as yet unopened Albert, for a private party, then spend the rest of the evening nagging them to put everything back as they'd found it, not drink the booze and to keep the music down.

As if.

Gee, ya think Mr Law Student suddenly realised that he'd committed a major crime of breaking and entering, vandalism and theft, and that he'd pop his cherry as the bee-yatch of some hairy lairy convict doing a twenty-year stretch up Wormwood Scrubs way?

When Sharon and Phil found out what was going on, she should have phoned the police. That would be one law career out the window, one letting agency that would never get off the ground because its founders would be doing time, and Lauren would finally get the criminal record she so richly deserves.

More than Johnny's actions, the Beale Twins surprised me. Sharon is practically family to them, so why would they even think about vandalising a premises she owned?

This was Millennial behaviour at its worst, capped off by Whitney making the evening all about her, the canting little whore. She can slutshame Peter by cattily remarking that he'd copped off with every girl in the room except his sister, and when he remarked that she'd been with "a lot of guys", she pouts, sulks and tries to kiss Johnny Carter, which was the weirdest event of all.

Firstly, Peter spoke the truth. Whitney has a history of dumping nice guys for a bad boy - Todd for Billie Jackson (who dumped her), Peter for Connor (who dumped her for a grandmother), Fatboy for Tyler. And when Tyler became the dependably nice bloke, she slept with mouth-breathing Joey Branning.

Secondly, she's known from the get-go that Johnny is gay. It was one of the first things he told her, and she's been supportive of his lifestyle. Roxy is supposed to be pigshit dumb enough to believe she could "turn" Christian, but I guess the filthy-looking traveller that's Whitney has enough confidence in her common slut-like sexuality that Johnny would suddenly realise he was hetero. Then she'd dump him for his Neanderthal brother.

She's obviously the "young adult" who's going to stick around, more than the others, because she's a DTC creation. Lola will stay because she's blonde and a Mitchell.

That vignette on Tuesday was neither poignant nor interesting, it was selfish, wanton and stupid. Like Millennials.

But hey ... here we are now, entertain us ...

The Love Affair That Never Was.

Please. Stop re-writing a love affair that never was. I'm talking about Mr Comfort Sex and Mrs MiseryGuts - David and Carol.

David was the precursor of Max - the Max Branning of the 1990s. Yet Newman and now the anti-Alpha Male DTC have de-balled David Wicks to the point of non-existence. Even if she were 100 per cent healthy, there's no way David Wicks would settle for a woman who looks ten years his senior and whose neck and bosom have the consistency of raw chicken skin. And one with such a miserable, gobby disposition too.

Here's the rub: Carol and David were never lovers. Not even star-crossed lovers. Coincidentally, the video bearing proof of this has been deleted from YouTube. I wonder why? Possibly, because it's easier to foist a myth on relatively simple-minded Millennials, prepared to believe whatever they want if it fits a narrative.

Truth is, Carol is a promiscuous fiftysomething woman who was once a promiscuous fourteen year-old. Instead of having this wonderful stars-and-flowers Romeo and Juliet romance with David, she was fucking around with ten other boys. Pat knew this. David knew it, and no one denied it. As soon as Carol told David she was pregnant, he lied to Pete, got some money off him and told her to have an abortion. Then her three older brothers beat him up, he left the area, none the wiser in thinking she'd had an abortion. There was no snogging at a party, no romantic movies, no birthday gift of The Hits of 1977 (because David was gone and Carol had Bianca then).

Stop it. Just stop it. David and Carol was a quick grope behind the bike sheds. And every man with whom Carol's had sex is always "the one." In fact, Carol loves the one she's with.

Dan Sullivan was "the one" until his past and present association with Bianca was revealed. Remember Eddie Moon? Well, he was "the one" for awhile as well, until Eddie saw Carol kicking Vanessa to the curb.

David's trying his best to behave and is seriously looking after that scrotey old ingrate Carol, and she treats him like shit. It took Max, who was more interested in gazing at his cellphone anticipating a message from his latest piece who's the same age as his daughter, to shoo her back to spending an evening with David.

For someone who's having full-on chemo and who's losing her hair, Carol is still able to bop and bully about the Square, quaffing wine and having an appetite too. Really, EastEnders, you need to research better.

It's singularly hard to sympathise with a miserable, old hag like Carol.

The Lady is a Cow.

And so the dinner party from Hell proceedeth. On Monday, Denise had addressed the cow elephant  in the room by admitting that Ian's constant references to Jane, plus her constant presence, itself, was getting on her nerves.

Denise was being doubly double-crossed, because Shabnam, who was helping her, was planning on re-uniting Jane and Ian and keeping this infidel cow away from Daddy Dearest. To Shabnam, however, goes the line of the night and the moment of truth.

Denise is annoyed that Ian keeps talking about how perfect you are. I'd be annoyed too, if it were me.

Quite. Because Jane has done nothing since returning except smile smugly, sort everyone's problems out, interfere and cattily criticise.

So she kisses Masood to prove a point. What point? She's yet another woman using Masood to further her own interests with another man. What a bitch! And Masood is supposed to be her friend. Bullshit! I hope Denise clocks her one.

Awful episode, except for Timothy West, CBE.

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