Friday, May 2, 2014

Dick Wicks - Review:- 01.05.2014

Christopher Reason wrote last night's episode. It was rife with history, fact, the odd retcon, and - regrettably - the odd Scrote.

Uncle Dave the Dick.

 Forget your Mitchells joining forces. They might ignore and revile each other at the best of times, but when the going gets tough ... those Beale boys get wily.

Max is more like David than he'd care to admit, and Ian is more like his brother than he'd care to admit.

Consider the following:-

-Shocked that Ian would accuse his brother of having clandestine sex with Lucy, David's niece? On the face of it, David had an affair with Cindy Beale, Lucy's mother, but cast your mind back to 2009, when Ian turned 40 and bought himself a leather biker's jacket to celebrate his lost youth. He ponced and paraded it about the cafe, asking Bianca for her opinion. Something she said made him think she was coming onto him and he was proud of himself, egging it on.

Ian, I'm your NIECE! Bianca shrieked at the time, and that put paid to that. So even if David never ever thought to be sexually attracted to his niece, Ian thought his niece was sexually attracted to him. And before he even knew she was his daughter, David was coming onto Bianca.

-Good mention of Sam Mitchell tonight. As I've pointed out before, prior to his prolonged affair with Cindy Beale, David Beale Wicks had a protracted relationship with Sam Mitchell. There are a whole series of clips from the bit trip to Spain featuring Grant and Phil, Ricky and Bianca, David and Steve Elliott, with Sam cropping up being picked up and bedded by David. But Ian isn't averse to younger flesh either. In fact, Ian can quite happily bed, or attempt to bed, women whom he knew when they were small or young children and when he was a young(er) adult. Janine, for example, or Clare Bates.

- And, of course, kudos for David's mentioning that Max was cut from the same cloth as David. As I've said before, David Beale Wicks was the precursor of Max Branning. Without one, there wouldn't have been the other. David ****** his sister-in-law, Max ****** the girl who subsequently married his son, twice. But Max was just as astute in reckoning that David hadn't really turned over a new leaf. Foreshadowing much?

Listen, as a sage soul pointed out to me earlier today, let's be honest about David and Ian. They're brothers, and there's no escaping the fact, but the ghost of Cindy who haunts Ian, won't ever be able to allow him to fully forgive his brother and welcome him into the family fold. Their mothers may have buried the hatchet and bonded over the body of their father; the Mitchells and the Brannings may have been able to play Pass-the-Parcel with Sharon or Tanya, and the Bitchell Blisters and Sam Mitchell may all share children who are at once cousins and siblings because Jack Branning is their daddy, but David's affair with Cindy the Dead makes him Prime Suspect Number One when Ian finds out that his pet stick insect daughter had been having "clandestine trysts" (and how I laughed that WPC Hollyoaks had to explain the meaning of "tryst" to Ian Beale - c'mon, Ian! It's what you used to have with Janine for money and Glenda for spite).

Both the Beale boys do like young and/or firm flesh, and Ian isn't averse to snuggling up sexually with a woman whom he watched run about the Square as a small child. As I said, just ask Janine and Clare.

But Ian obviously isn't thinking straight, because there's another man in the Square who likes young flesh - especially young flesh who's associated in some way with his children.

Max the Nonce.

It would never register with Ian, never in a million years, that Max might have been boning his bony daughter. After all, Max has had form in boning his dead son's porcine-featured wife ...

Stacey Slater

(Hyshe-ye, you'll soon be hearing the fanbois hit'em up in style in righteous indignation. Fuck of and wank yourselves over Stacey).

Ian may be numb to the guilty vibes emanating from Max or maybe he just doesn't smell the farts of fear and indignation polluting the portacabin, but David does. David knows something's rotten in the state of BranningVille. But how?

Because of the long-dead Karen Wicks. Were he a spiritualist, David might believe his deceased daughter is, indeed, his spirit guide, that she's standing someplace in the murky fog of the other side, her skinny cousin by her side, frantically trying to get her father's attention ... I can hear her now ...

Dad, Dad! It's me, Karen. Dad, I'm here and I'm trying to tell you something! Lucy's with me. Tell Uncle Ian she's fine, but she needs you to know that she was having it off with Max. She says you need to look at the CCTV ... what's that? Wait ... oh yeah, Nana Pat and Auntie Pauline are here too. Auntie Pauline says you want to cut down on the sweets because you're getting a bit broad about the middle, and Nana Pat wants to know why you're still skanking about that slapper Carol Jackson ... Oh, yeah ... Grandad says nice one for your conversation with Uncle Ian a few months back, and Frank Butcher says ta for saving his baby girl and that Merc on the forecourt is a cut-and-shut.

Since the Millennials are all into this fantasy shit, why not write a scene into the programme like that one?

Still, it was nice to get a mention of Karen.

We finally got more of David's feeling of loss for his daughter. When he mentioned to Ian that he was a dad also, I had a feeling he wasn't talking about Bianca, but about Karen, and listening to him compare Ian's open feelings of rage, guilt and grief over Lucy's death, with his same feelings which he still harbours because he wasn't around when she passed, was one of the most poignant, yet gripping (considering the context) scenes of the piece.

David made the first open accusation tonight, based on what he knows about Max's reputation, which preceeds him, and the fact that David probably knows that Lucy wasn't all that different from her mother in sneakiness and personality. Good call, but it isn't Max.

The Mystery of Lucy Beale.

So now we know that Lucy was murdered. Even though the Millennials, incapable of all critical thinking, take as literal truth and piece of PR blurb shite that emanates from the Messiah's mouth ...

Cut the bullshit. This is murder, pure and simple. Always has been, always will be. So let's shut the fuck up (to quote a sage completely without shame) about any sort of accidental death or someone not knowing that he or she killed Lucy Beale. The fact that this was a staged mugging with her purse and her phone being conveniently stolen - as if those aren't the things a real mugger wouldn't steal,

It now transpires that Lucy Beale wasn't killed on the suddenly-discovered Walford Common at all; in fact, she was killed elsewhere and her body dumped, like the bag of bones she was, on the ground.

I didn't think that Lucy had been killed on the Common, so now it devolves to her murderer being someone capable of moving her body from the place of death and placing it on the Common, because I don't think she made it on her own there. That would mean that either the killer is a man (and Jake would normally spring to some people's minds) or someone who either had the help of another person in order to move the body (hence, Ben Hardy's two-person theory) or who had form in moving a body from one place to the next without detection. There's a person on the Square who fits that bill as well.

Consider this:-

Lucy's phone is missing. Psychopaths often take something as a trophy from a person they've killed. Now ... who has a penchant for taking phones from someone they've topped? Of course, this murder is drug-related, and of course, there's one person who hasn't even entered into the frame of events as a suspect, and she had a little help from a friend too, who provided her, not only with manpower, but with an alibi.

The two-person theory, I'm buying, because wherever Lucy died, her killer would have had to move her body to the Common. The lack of blood at the site where her body was found tells forensic experts that this is not where she died, but where her body was dumped. Knowing that her business interests were involved with the nearby flats, that would be the first place police investigators would look, would search with a fine-toothed comb for any DNA evidence that would indicate Lucy was killed there, but the management of moving her body might prove a problem.

Ever hear of the phrase "dead weight?" It means exactly what it says - that a dead body, no matter how thin and frail that body is, becomes heavy. The blood doesn't flow, instead, gravity makes it drop to the point closest to the earth. Heavy to carry. Quite a different matter from moving a stocky, semi-conscious man from an flat on the Square to the nearby Arches.

I know the Millennial fanbois and cheerleaders will gnash their teeth and chew the carpet at the thought that Ronnie, a murderer, would do something like this. (She would). Someone whines about Ronnie not being able to kill a blonde 20 year-old girl - it would bring back too many memories of wishy-washy Danielle. I mean, remember this utterly pathetic piece of tripe?

The simple answer is that Lucy wasn't a Mitchell, and Ronnie is now completely a psychopath. She's totally amoral and would think nothing of selling cocaine (because that's exactly what she's doing) to the daughter of a neighbour who's got a long connection with the Mitchells.

Were I WPC Hollyoaks, I'd be searching the Mitchell gaff right now - they'd at least find Carl's phone, which is probably knocking around in Roxy's coat pocket as Roxy's knocking around. Then I'd rock by the boxing club. That's the perfect place to whack a person round the head and kill them. Just another drop of blood on the floor.

Watch this space.

As for poor Jake Stone, Jake Stone is not the killer. He's neither a cocaine addict nor a dealer. He's just a sad and lonely man, who's lost his wife and daughter due to his own stupidity, and who's quietly sucking from the bottle again. But gurning Lauren, weakest part of the piece tonight, hit the nail on the head when she wondered if Lucy's dealer could have been responsible for this. Keep on that track, Lauren, and you'll be heartily surprised whom you'll see standing at the end of the road.

The Awful Truth.

Oh, finally ... TEAM MASOOD! No need for Masood to feel guilty. Yes, Ian has lost a child, but he used the death of that child to get into Jane the cah's knickers, then tried to use another child, whom he subsequently demeaned, to get her to stay. Yes, Ian is suffering from the murder of his child and the discovery of some shocking secrets about her. But the other side of the truth is that Ian is simply not a good man - he's not an evil man, mind, just weak, dishonest and weaselly. He used a lie about Lucy having cancer to get Mel to marry him back in 1999, and he's using Lucy's death to get Jane to give him some comfort sex, which he'll use as a springboard to try to get her back. I hope Denise finds out. 

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