The World Cup is upon us, and that includes - in less that two weeks' time - a head-on collision with Coronation Street. Monday 23rd June, the two go head-to-head.
Whoda thunk it?
Who's going to win that battle? I think we all know the answer to that. Already, I imagine the fanbois are racking and fracking their collective brain cell to come up with a viable excuse for the tankfest that will occur that evening, when the explanation is simple:-
As bad as it is, as much damage as he's done as producer, Stuart Blackburn still hasn't managed to destroy Corrie's brand, to make it totally unrecogniseable and unpalatable to people who have known and watched the show for years. The reverse has happened to EastEnders, and that slow slide to unrecogniseability started with the new century and John Yorke, hit the heights under Louise Berridge and Kate Harwood with the Shannis fiasco and the gangstas, and went into freefall under the sensationalist Santer, Bryan Kirkwood and the inept Lorraine Newman.
Although the show was left in a better state for WonderBoy ...
... by Newman, to restore the show to its original grittiness and reality is proving difficult, especially with so many flawlessly beautiful young people in the cast. That's not real, for a start.
I suspect that DTC's answer to bringing the show back to 80s and 90s quality is to bowdlerise all the classic storylines and re-vamp them Gangnam-style.
Already, we've had a simmering version of "You're not mah muvvah" put on hold for a future date, and I suspect that Treadwell-Collins's version of Sharongate will be Lindagate, with the reveal of Dean's and Mick's real relationship as an added bonus.
It's obvious that Shirley, Queen of Scrotes is the matriarch to end all matriarchs, an amalgamation of Pat, Peggy and Pauline, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. She'll sneak Phil right out from under the comatose Sharon's nose, probably even pulling the plug on her life support. Because there's nothing Phil likes better than mutton dressed as lamb - wrinkled skin, sour puckered lips and breath that reeks of a combination of whiskey, stale fags and vomit.
Sharon will die, and Shirley will take over The Albert, arranging for Denny Rickman to be sent to a children's home - well, it was good enough for the boy's old man. She'll deliver Kat's babies and become their godmother. She'll cure Carol's cancer, convert Shabnam to Christianity and set her up as a prostitute with Shirley as her pimp. Then she'll single-handedly solve Lucy Beale's murder - finding out it's Ronnie, she'll frame Ian Beale and then take over his empire.
And the show will be known as ShirleyVille.
That's DTC's vision of EastEnders.
And Tuesday's episode was a steaming pile of shit. If Lorraine Newman's name were on the masthead after that shower, she'd be being slated.
Everybody Goes to Beale's - Play It Again, Dom ... And Again and Again ...
How About Tina the Needy?
Get ready for it. Here it comes - the story that's set to sustain viewers during the World Cup - the great Tosh-Tina-Honker love triangle.
Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
First of all, I'm not surprised Martin stood Honker up. Martin isn't stupid, even if Honker is arrogant enough to think so. He may only work in a supermarket, but fucking Honker is an educated professional and can't even be bothered to speak properly, enunciate clearly or use good grammar. If I were in hospital and I heard my nurse say
Ah fink hit ain't so bad terday ...
I'd want the National Health Service gutted.
Martin probably knows Honker's been trash-talking him. After all, he's had Tina the Retarded Court Jester being verbally abusive to him on the phone, and he's not even met this woman.
I do wish they'd stop talking about Martin as if he were just around the corner or in the next room. Because he isn't,and James Alexandrou has moved on. There was no explanation offered as to why Martin failed to show up for Lucy's funeral. Shit, Honker couldn't even be arsed to go (and have you noticed Cassidy's rapidly expanding arse? That liposuction was well worth the money; she'd have been better off getting her adenoids removed).
It's not impressive when a producer can think he'll score points by mentioning an obscure Irish relative from the wrong side of the blanket at the time of Lucy's death and not even give a reason why her cousin, who, apparently, lives right around the corner, couldn't make the event.
It's simply lack of common sense.
However, if he's intending to show the complex nature of what he wants to be an abusive relationship, he's doing it, but it's not interesting because most of the viewers think the overgrown Court Jester who acts and dresses like a forty year-old five year-old is neither interesting, appealing or likeable. In fact, most viewers would line up to give the dishonest, feckless and odious Tina a smack.
You get the impression that Tosh has been through all this shit before, but it's not Tosh who's coming across as needy. Tina used that word exclusively, describing her feelings for Tosh, all the while Honker was sitting behind her table glowering.
That night was the busiest I'd seen Beale's ... like, forever, with the customers being all recognised characters, bar one extra couple. An upmarket burger joint is just the place to revive a flagging romance.
So needy is Tina for Tosh that she agrees to anything Tosh wants to stay together - and that includes starting a family.
Does Tosh know about Zsa Zsa and how she was raised?
How About Honker the Weedy?
Honker doesn't give a shit about Martin. Burping at the table offends her, but puking in public and lying turns her on.
Still, at least Bianca's on hand to blame for Tosh finding out that Honker hankers after the resident retard on the show.
How About Aleks the Seedy?
Aleks is easily one of the best characters introduced under The Messiah's tenure, which means the actor won't stay very long.
He's interesting, he's got a glint of the Alpha male about him, and he clearly does love Roxy, who's another infuriating childwoman who's leaving her daughter to bring herself up or be brought up by a psychopath.
He was deft at diffusing the situation concerning Roxy's orange face, which was caused by Bianca selling knock-offs, by offering Roxy sex on the side.
I suspect Ronnie will probably kill him.
How About ...
THE WORST ACTRESS EVER TO APPEAR IN EASTENDERS?
Whoda thunk it?
Who's going to win that battle? I think we all know the answer to that. Already, I imagine the fanbois are racking and fracking their collective brain cell to come up with a viable excuse for the tankfest that will occur that evening, when the explanation is simple:-
As bad as it is, as much damage as he's done as producer, Stuart Blackburn still hasn't managed to destroy Corrie's brand, to make it totally unrecogniseable and unpalatable to people who have known and watched the show for years. The reverse has happened to EastEnders, and that slow slide to unrecogniseability started with the new century and John Yorke, hit the heights under Louise Berridge and Kate Harwood with the Shannis fiasco and the gangstas, and went into freefall under the sensationalist Santer, Bryan Kirkwood and the inept Lorraine Newman.
Although the show was left in a better state for WonderBoy ...
... by Newman, to restore the show to its original grittiness and reality is proving difficult, especially with so many flawlessly beautiful young people in the cast. That's not real, for a start.
I suspect that DTC's answer to bringing the show back to 80s and 90s quality is to bowdlerise all the classic storylines and re-vamp them Gangnam-style.
Already, we've had a simmering version of "You're not mah muvvah" put on hold for a future date, and I suspect that Treadwell-Collins's version of Sharongate will be Lindagate, with the reveal of Dean's and Mick's real relationship as an added bonus.
It's obvious that Shirley, Queen of Scrotes is the matriarch to end all matriarchs, an amalgamation of Pat, Peggy and Pauline, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. She'll sneak Phil right out from under the comatose Sharon's nose, probably even pulling the plug on her life support. Because there's nothing Phil likes better than mutton dressed as lamb - wrinkled skin, sour puckered lips and breath that reeks of a combination of whiskey, stale fags and vomit.
Sharon will die, and Shirley will take over The Albert, arranging for Denny Rickman to be sent to a children's home - well, it was good enough for the boy's old man. She'll deliver Kat's babies and become their godmother. She'll cure Carol's cancer, convert Shabnam to Christianity and set her up as a prostitute with Shirley as her pimp. Then she'll single-handedly solve Lucy Beale's murder - finding out it's Ronnie, she'll frame Ian Beale and then take over his empire.
And the show will be known as ShirleyVille.
That's DTC's vision of EastEnders.
And Tuesday's episode was a steaming pile of shit. If Lorraine Newman's name were on the masthead after that shower, she'd be being slated.
Everybody Goes to Beale's - Play It Again, Dom ... And Again and Again ...
How About Tina the Needy?
Get ready for it. Here it comes - the story that's set to sustain viewers during the World Cup - the great Tosh-Tina-Honker love triangle.
Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
First of all, I'm not surprised Martin stood Honker up. Martin isn't stupid, even if Honker is arrogant enough to think so. He may only work in a supermarket, but fucking Honker is an educated professional and can't even be bothered to speak properly, enunciate clearly or use good grammar. If I were in hospital and I heard my nurse say
Ah fink hit ain't so bad terday ...
I'd want the National Health Service gutted.
Martin probably knows Honker's been trash-talking him. After all, he's had Tina the Retarded Court Jester being verbally abusive to him on the phone, and he's not even met this woman.
I do wish they'd stop talking about Martin as if he were just around the corner or in the next room. Because he isn't,and James Alexandrou has moved on. There was no explanation offered as to why Martin failed to show up for Lucy's funeral. Shit, Honker couldn't even be arsed to go (and have you noticed Cassidy's rapidly expanding arse? That liposuction was well worth the money; she'd have been better off getting her adenoids removed).
It's not impressive when a producer can think he'll score points by mentioning an obscure Irish relative from the wrong side of the blanket at the time of Lucy's death and not even give a reason why her cousin, who, apparently, lives right around the corner, couldn't make the event.
It's simply lack of common sense.
However, if he's intending to show the complex nature of what he wants to be an abusive relationship, he's doing it, but it's not interesting because most of the viewers think the overgrown Court Jester who acts and dresses like a forty year-old five year-old is neither interesting, appealing or likeable. In fact, most viewers would line up to give the dishonest, feckless and odious Tina a smack.
You get the impression that Tosh has been through all this shit before, but it's not Tosh who's coming across as needy. Tina used that word exclusively, describing her feelings for Tosh, all the while Honker was sitting behind her table glowering.
That night was the busiest I'd seen Beale's ... like, forever, with the customers being all recognised characters, bar one extra couple. An upmarket burger joint is just the place to revive a flagging romance.
So needy is Tina for Tosh that she agrees to anything Tosh wants to stay together - and that includes starting a family.
Does Tosh know about Zsa Zsa and how she was raised?
How About Honker the Weedy?
Honker doesn't give a shit about Martin. Burping at the table offends her, but puking in public and lying turns her on.
Still, at least Bianca's on hand to blame for Tosh finding out that Honker hankers after the resident retard on the show.
How About Aleks the Seedy?
Aleks is easily one of the best characters introduced under The Messiah's tenure, which means the actor won't stay very long.
He's interesting, he's got a glint of the Alpha male about him, and he clearly does love Roxy, who's another infuriating childwoman who's leaving her daughter to bring herself up or be brought up by a psychopath.
He was deft at diffusing the situation concerning Roxy's orange face, which was caused by Bianca selling knock-offs, by offering Roxy sex on the side.
I suspect Ronnie will probably kill him.
How About ...
THE WORST ACTRESS EVER TO APPEAR IN EASTENDERS?
She's back and she means business! Just when we thought we'd got rid of Newman's obsession with an actress who is clearly obsessed with the camera being on her and who holds no viable talent - I mean, have you ever known any actor to post as many pictures of themselves from birth to the present? - she's back with a vengeance, determined to prove Jake Stone innocent after providing the police with the means to arrest him.
Lauren and Max make me laugh. She's another self-righteous hypocrite who condemns Max for selfishness when she's one of the most selfish characters ever to appear on the show.
As much as I revile the snorting giggling Abi the Dough-Faced Girl, I applauded Abi's good sense - well, Abi is the one trying to better herself academically, when Lauren has gone from high-powered estate agent to waitress in one fell swoop - when she called out Lauren's stupidity for trying to do the police's work.
Here's certainly proof positive that Lorna Fitzgerald is more intelligent than the functionally illiterate Jossa - Fitzgerald knows that if Abi is ever a killer, she'd have to leave the show. Jossa's too damned dumb and arrogant to accept that fact about Lauren.
So now we get down to the real business behind this non-storyline. Max confesses to Abi that Lucy fell in his office and left blood on the car lot office carpet - so he enlists Abi's aid in bleaching it out. In case you didn't know, this is the lead-in to Max's new romance with PC Hollyoaks (which is this generation's Phil-and-Kate).
The Stars of the Show.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day, and I have to give kudos to DTC for getting Cora pitch perfect at last. Involving her actively in caring for the welfare of her granddaughters, giving sage advice and keeping them close suits her perfectly, instead of mooching around drunk and feckless with Patrick.
It was a stroke of genius, making her a foil for Stan as well, because we get to see two brilliant and classically-trained actors - Timothy West and Ann Mitchell - give a masterclass to the plebs.
More than anything, these two were the highlights of a very mediocre episode.
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