The Stacey Stench - Review:- 10.02.2014

Oo-ooh that smell ... can't ya smell that smell?

Smells like a murderer to me, and the stench has pervaded EastEnders properly since we glimpsed the porcine features of that eminent television thespian, herself, the one-trick-pony that is Lacey Turner as Stacey Slater.

After having spent a couple of years portraying Stacey-Slater-as-a-young-wife-and-mother-on-a-BBC-artyfarty-production-which-no-one-watched, she then played Stacey Slater-as-the-bride-of-Frankenstein, then Stacey-Slater-does-comedy-horror in an episode of Being Human. There followed Stacey-Slater-plays-a-witch-on-a-Sky-One-programme-which-nobody-watched and then Stacey-Slater-does-horror on Bedlam, rounding those performances off with Stacey-Slater-does-Afghanistan-and-the-army. Lately, she was seen in an episode of Call the Midwife, subtitled Stacey-Slater-does-the-1950s.

And now, she's back as Stacey Slater again. Well, not yet, really, but she's been sighted and one sight of the icon that she's not is enough to send Kat into a paroxysm of tit-jiggling hysteria.

Scores of fanbois and cheerleaders are eagerly awaiting her return, just to see DTC think up more men for her to fuck while she thinks of Bradley (not), Max, more marriages to break up, Max, more babies to have who aren't the children of whoever she's with at the time (I predict she'll be loved up by Dean and have a baby by Tamwar, then cry rape and blame her bi-polar syndrome), Max, bi-polar episodes, which will be used to exonerate any and all bad behaviour, and finally another murder.

But, honestly, it won't be Stacey's fault, because she didn't mean to do it, she just lost her temper about the way that person looked at her, so please don't put her in jail because there won't be anyone to look after poor Lily and anyway that person she killed was probably a bad person anyway and deserved to die, but really, it wasn't Stacey's fault, it was just loving Bradley that made her do that.

Same shit, different day.

The Stupid Women of Walford.

I. Kat Moon - Who's That Girl?

Kat and Alfie are reunited, so it behooves the Messiah to think of clever ways in which to prise them apart. Kat is damned lucky that Alfie loves her so much. Many men wouldn't have given her the time of day the amount of times she's cheated on him.

So not having seen him for a month, and en route to a romantic reunion, she allows herself to get totally, utterly and obsessively side-tracked by the sight of her first cousin once-removed, with whom she was never really that close, walking down a London street. So obsessed, that she can't even think of how wonderful it is to see the man who loves her.

She's not interested in his trip, what he's done, how much money he brought back, the evening he had planned for them ... nothing matters but Stacey and finding her. 

After having charged into the expensive salon she saw her enter and not finding her, she bullies Alfie into returning there, shouting the odds about wanting a name or a telephone number. The subject of Stacey dominates the entire evening. She neglects to tell Alfie she has a scan date - that's not important, she has to find Stacey. Alfie has to ask to see his son, and Kat is too distracted to even think of that.

Everything pales before finding Stacey Slater. Murderer.

I daresay that there will be a fair few people in Walford wanting to find Stacey too - but they'll have to stand in line behind the Mitchell sisters and Lauren Branning.

Instead of going to fetch Tommy, Kat leaves Alfie and makes a beeline to Max Branning's house, where she tells him - guess what? She's seen Stacey.

The last time Kat and Stacey were together in Walford, they spent the time slapping their way around the Square when Kat wasn't encouraging Stacey to break up Janine's marriage. The last time Max and Stacey were together in Walford, Max was beating a hasty retreat from his Christmas dinner, excusing himself and telling everyone from Tanya to Vanessa to his children that he loved Stacey and was fleeing with her.

And so begins a tale of secrecy and sneaking around, concerning Kat and Max, both of whom have brilliant form in infidelity, enough to arouse Alfie's suspicions, in the quest to find Stacey.

But Kat isn't the only one with secrets, as the mysterious "I miss you" text on Alfie's mobile showed.

We know that Alfie is returning with what seems to be the stock unimaginative phrase from EastEnders for 2014 - a "dark secret" (the 2013 phrase having been "so-and-so's world comes crashing down around them"), and the first thought is that this "dark secret" is that he cheated on Kat whilst in Australia.

That would be interesting, and totally the sort of mindless, man-hating drivel the writing room at Elstree would produce. Let Alfie cheat and let Saint Kat take the moral high ground - except that Alfie Moon isn't a cheater. It would never enter his mind to cheat on his partner. Had Kat not returned and had he stayed with Roxy, he'd never have cheated on her either. If DTC goes this route with Alfie, he's no better than Bryan Kirkwood and should be smacked.

Alfie is, however, a con man, and I think this text has something to do with a con he effected whilst in Australia to get money. Maybe something went wrong and the object of his con developed a crush or an obsession with him.

I believe Alfie and Kat are an endgame couple, but they don't need another mire of secrets, lies and Stacey Slater interfering in what should be a romance which is working and which is meant to be.

II. Carol Jackson - I Know Him So Well (I Think)

There's SuperCarol, a few hours off chemotherapy and having run a lap of the Square in her pyjamas and smelly old fleece,dressed to the nines and quaffing champers in the pub, celebrating her engagement, finally, to David Wicks.

Comfort sex now becomes comfort marriage, except that Carol is too stupid to see it.

She's been thinking of David for thirty years? Really, Carol? When you were engaged to Garry, Robbie's dad? And when you were having that one night stand with Terry Cant, the one who gave you Honker? How about Alan Jackson? He married you and gave all your various sprogs his name. Then there was Dan Sullivan ... let's see. You told Bianca in 2012 that Dan was your one opportunity for happiness. Musta been that BMW convertible he drove.

Since then, there's been Lewis the soldier, Connor the kid on the BMX bike, Eddie Moon, Steve the probation officer and Masood.

But all the time you were thinking of David.

Sorry, but I don't think he was thinking of you. You see, Carol, had he been thinking of you, he'd have moved heaven and earth to have found you. Wouldn't have been hard, because you'e the unimaginative type and never strayed far from Walford. Nope. The truth is, he didn't want to find you. Just like he didn't want to stay with Lorraine and their two kids. Just like he wanted to sleep with Sam Mitchell and then Cindy Beale. his brother's wife.

You see, Carol, and you should know this by now, David never does anything for anyone unless that someone is himself. He didn't marry you because he loved you - oh, I don't doubt he's fond of you - he married you because he can use your illness as a pity party selling point to drum up business for himself.

I'm Team Max on this one. This will all end in tears. The celebration shows David to be the big benevolent I AM, and especially in front of his brother, who's also involve in a hapless, hopeless relationship. It's one-upmanship time again for the Beale brothers, prompting David to break out the champagne and Ian to scurry home and passive-aggressively bully Denise into setting a wedding date, just to spite David.

The most ironic scene from this entire vignette was the spectacle of Carol attempting to give Max relationship advice, and that advice amounted to nothing more than the fact that now he'd got rid of Tanya and Kirsty and now that the girls were on an even keel - are they, Carol? Abi about to sit her A-Levels and Lauren a recovering alcoholic who's just broken up a marriage, herself - Max should get out there and put it about some more. Ya see? When Carol is getting fucked regularly, she wants the whole world to fuck with her. Well, she's going to get fucked, all right. Fucked up and over. As for Max, there's a stench fast approaching.

Surprise of the night was actually seeing Jay for a moment or two, only to have him summarily dispatched by Abi to "talk to Max" after Max told Carol some home truths about David and stormed off.

Here's another surprise and something infinitely creepy from 1995. Watch a teenaged Bianca ask her very young father to put sun cream on her bikini'd back about two minutes in:-

III. Lucy Beale - Money

So Danny Pennant has been embezzling from Janine all along, and now with a kiss and a drink, he inveigles Lucy Beale to do the same.

I hope DTC finds his balls and gives Hetti Bywater her marching orders. Jossa apart, I don't think there's a weaker actress on the show. Her delivery is bad and unintelligible, she is incapable of showing any sort of emotion at all, and she has the annoying habit of hanging her mouth open in an unattractive pout.

This is obviously Gary Lucy's leaving line, and you know? I couldn't give a rat's arse.

IV. Denise Fox - I Don't Know How to Love Him.

Denise doesn't love Ian, and it's weighing heavily on her. It's brought home to her twice over in this episode - first by Aleks, who, independently, cannot believe Denise is with Ian Beale; then, she's scared shitless by the fact that Ian has given Fatboy a job in the restaurant.

We had another incidence of heavy overshadowing tonight when, whilst helping Bobby with his spelling lesson, the next word on the list to learn was "disaster."

In Ian Beale's marital history, this is just same shit, different day.

V. Whitney, Nancy and Shabnam - Look at Those Stupid Girls

How many times has the world of cyber dating been breached in EastEnders? This is the newest edition. Shabnam has indulged. It seems her "dark secret" is named Muneer and he wants to meet her.

Meanwhile, back at the Vic, Nancy and Whitney, whose knowledge is abundant, both reckon that Johnny, who's young and gay and socially immature, needs to delve into the internet dating world. He's reluctant, but they won't be told. What's wrong is that both girls aren't really doing this with Johnny's best interests in mind. They're doing it to prove a point to Linda, thinking that by seeing Johnny in a relationship with a male, Linda would be forced into accepting his sexuality. Of course, they've never stopped to think that Johnny could meet an unsavoury sort of character in these exploits and that he could be hurt, raped or even killed. But, hey, it's a laugh, especially when his ad has a response from someone known as "The Walford Wonder," who, I bet, turns out to be Dexter Shitbreath.

Speaking of which, this was a pretty shitty episode.

So, there you go ...