Newman's Ghost - Review:- 10.04.2014

I wonder if EgoBoy feels he's being haunted, haunted by the ghost of Lorraine Newman, lurking around every corner and in every nook and cranny in Elstree. He must feel this way. Does he wake, shivering in his bed at night, to the vision of Newman standing at its foot, grinning malevolently with fire-and-brimstone eyes and mouthing the mantra, "Love-and-warmth-love-and-warmth" and "shit-storylines-shit-storylines"?

He must. He simply must, because the only thing consistent about Treadwell-Collins's EastEnders, since February at least, is that if you took his name off the credits, there isn't one iota of difference in his EastEnders and that of the much-reviled Lorraine Newman - with the possible exception of Daran Little.

The fanbois praise the current version of EastEnders for one reason and one reason only - the initials DTC, or "Dom" as one infamous fanboi fondly and familiarly refers to him. Seriously, take the name off the credits, and take the good Carters out of the equation, and you have Newman, all over again.

Same shit, different day.

Psycho ... Again.

Here's a suggestion: EgoBoy ... or "Dom" should have the opening riffs of "Psycho Killer" played as the Botoxed features of the vinegar-faced alien resident psychopath makes her usual understated entrance.

You know ... just to remind those people who still get excited and cream their knickers or their boxies or their nappies or whatever at the sight of Ronnie's sour lips and wide hips traipsing across the Square, that this woman is not a victim, that she was not justified in what she did, and that she is not a nice person. She is a cold, manipulative and cruel psychopath, sexually obsessed by her sister and possessive in the most sinister way of both her and her niece.

Anyone who enjoys everything Ronnie does or, indeed, everything Michael Moon did should high-arse it right away to your GP and ask to be sectioned.

What baffles me is Roxy, who does, indeed, have some sort of conscience, or did in the past. Is she that fucking infantile and - I'll say it - retarded that she's blithely forgotten that her sister killed a man in cold blood on the promise of a new house and various trips "up West" to shop? I knew Roxy was shallow, but I didn't think she was that amoral.

Watching the psychopath murderer strutting her stuff in the Square, manipulating her thirty-six year-old sister is creepy. I thought lairy Jake with his massive tongue leering at Lauren was the worst kind of creepiness. Watching Ronnie's psycho-sexual obsession with her younger sister is worse still. Yeah, right, Ronnie. Roxy is a woman who needs looking after by her sister, that same sister who interferes in Roxy's private life to the extent that she destroys any chance of adult happiness she might have, and then convinces her that only she, Ronnie, can pick up the pieces and kiss it better. Roxy's having a problem at the Tube station, so Ronnie has to rock up whilst getting her rocks off at the thought of rescuing Roxy. This scenario made for the climax of the episode, as well as one of the worst stunts ever engineered by EastEnders, and a smack in the smug face of Dominic Treadwell-Collins for the giggling, little liar that he is for re-hashing plots.

Travelling at a speed of some 10 mph, whilst talking on the phone to her own personal damsel in distress, Roxy, Ronnie hits Lola - not only runs down and runs over her, but does it in the same spot where Janine hit that dumb fuck, Danielle, standing there staring at Janine like a dimwit deer in the headlights.

Stay with me ... do you see where this is going?  Remember this?

Now Ronnie has a new obsession - Danielle Lola. She's blonde, she's dim, and she's a Mitchell. She even has a daughter - and don't forget that Ronnie went with Danielle, unbeknownst that Danielle was who she was, in order for Danielle to get an abortion. Roxy ... NuAmy ... Lola ... Ronnie's building a bevy of blonde Mitchells to protect from men who'll only mess them about. Speaking of which ...

So the plan of action was one date with Aleks to make Roxy feel better, then have Aleks dump her, in order to make her feel bad and blame herself, so Ronnie can work her magic. That magic is to hand Ronnie a wad of money and tell her to buy something to make herself feel better, much the same way you'd do a child, or buy a present. Then you promise them a treat - for Roxy, she gets a night out on the town with Ronnie. Whoop-de-doo!

Aleks read exactly what Ronnie was, and I shudder to think what she said she'd do to him, or what her look said she'd do to him when he tried to stand up for her. He knows, at least, that she's capable of getting someone (in another case, him), to beat the shit out of him if he went against her wishes. One of the things we did hear Ronnie tell Aleks is that she didn't want him "messing her sister about." But Aleks had no intention of doing that. He genuinely liked Roxy, but he genuinely fears Ronnie.

What happens now? My guess is that Roxy, in a move to "have fun" (as she says), latches onto Jake. (After all, Ronnie will be busy mothering Lola.)  Ronnie isn't controlling that, and Jake's a loose cannon. This can only end in one way, and I'm calling that Jake Stone will leave in a box.

Roxy thinks no one likes her. Ronnie assures her that they do. Ronnie certainly does. Just remember that psychopaths are obsessives and control freaks. Now think of Archie and remember what the ultimate and pejorative act of control is.

Still haven't got a clue, Millennials? Awwww, it's terrible to see things only in black and white, ain't it? Here's the word: The ultimate, most terrible and pejorative act of control is rape. It's why new inmates fear the showers in prison. Archie raping Ronnie wasn't about him being a paedophile. It was about control. He was a psychopath with an obsession about his oldest daughter, whom he sought to control. Ronnie is a psychopath obsessed with her younger sister whom she seeks to control. The fanbois will scream and shout at me - they know so much more than I and they're barely out of their teens - but if we had an executive producer brave enough to push the limits, the Mitchell Blisters would go out in a storyline where Ronnie rapes Roxy and Roxy kills her. But that will never happen. TPTB simply aren't brave enough, and besides, they don't want to rile and upset the Ronnie Brigade of demented fanbois and cheerleaders. But ...

There's a reason Ronnie's going to get involved with Charlie Cotton, or whoever he is, a policeman.

Oh, andI see they're still carrying NuAmy around the same way they carried MuteAmy. This one talks, and the dialogue they've given her was contrived in its foreshadowing. But the final scene was beyond repair. I predict that now the psychopathic murderer swanning about the streets of Walford will seek to build upon her army of vulnerable blonde women and girls, whom it behooves her to control and protect. Her promise to NuAmy to protect Roxy and NuAmy was one of the eeriest, coldest, evilest and most sinisterly spoken lines of late in the show.

Mr Passive-Aggressive.

I don't like what DTC is doing to Peter Beale, turning him into a controlling, socially gauche snob, looking down his nose at Lola's choice of career. This is something Peter would never do, especially since he works on a market stall, himself. Before DTC took over, Peter was one of the most mature, responsible and astute young persons on the show. Since this producer has come on the scene, Peter's been incredibly side-lined to the point of non-existence, and when he does appear, it's to make Lola uncomfortable. It wouldn't surprise me at all if Peter accidentally or otherwise killed his twin and then got carted off to prison or whatever. Since this producer seems to be systematically ridding the show of all of Kirkwood's/Newman's castings, either by axing them directly or sidelining them into non-existence. Lola's OK. After all, she's a Mitchell (and we know how fond DTC is of peroxided Mitchell women) and the mother of the Mitchell heiress.

Bringing Jay, another of his creations the first time around, into a relationship with Lola would cement him even more into the Mitchell fold. Someone elsewhere said Jay was a nice guy who's being made to look like a prat. Jay has always had that element of prattishness about him - from the time he called Yolande a racist name, to the way he acted out against Dawn in the wake of Jase's death, to the way he embraced his life as a pseudo-Mitchell, strutting the streets, demanding respect, breaking into the Vic to impress Abi. He's only ever paid lip service to Abi's ambitions, always assuming that she'd choose a life with him over any academic or professional qualifications. And that is a great disrespect to Abi.

Peter actually elevates Lola. He's encouraging her, wanting her to do better with her life. Instead, she'd rather poke about Walford, doing women's nails for cash-in-hand, paying no taxes, but reaping the benefits taxpayers pay for her. When Sadie closed the Salon, she whined because the nearest apprenticeship was in Mitcham in Southwest London. Bullshit! Besides, if Lola isn't interested in what Peter's suggesting, why doesn't she suggest that she look at professional hairdressing qualifications at a college, because ... what's wrong with going to college?

Jay, on the other hand, is attracted to Lola because she disdains academic qualifications and ambition as much as Abi embraces it. Remember that the sole sum of Lola's ambition was to find a wealthy man and settle down with him. Of course, that's unrealistic. But Jay's mores would regress Lola to a point of never progressing upwards - either emotionally, socially or psychologically. And Jay's the kingpin of his world - don't forget, he's learned a lot about bullying and entitlement from the years he's spent fawning about pretending to be Phil's spawn. The moment Lola's interest alighted on her child or her career, Jay would be just as much a prick with her as he was with Abi.

I'm glad Abi's sussed tonight what's going on in his head regarding Lola. He's not bolstering Lola's self-esteem, he's bringing her down to his level. Oh, one other thing. I absolutely love it that one size fits all in Walford still. I used to be gobsmacked when Little Mo and Kat would wear each other's clothes on occasion, but to think that Ronnie's dresses would even come close to fitting Lola is unbelieveable.

I hope Abi dumps the little passive-aggressive thug. A Phil-in-training.

The Missing Link?

Although there was no Lucy in the show last night, her presence pervades the place, because we, the viewers, know she is going to die. I'm still leaning on the suspicion of Ronnie being her killer, but I know that Lee Carter is going to be the prime suspect.

Tonight, there was a very brief scene of Mick and Lee jogging through the market, when Lee briefly catches sight of the psychopathic murderer strutting through the Square. He's struck by what one imagines to be her beauty - if expressionless, botoxed ice queen crossed with a Roswell alien is your type, but then the boy has been fighting a war.

Don't even go there, says Mick. She's a Mitchell.

Well, there's your link between Ronnie and Lee, and that's just a hop, skip and a bonk away from Lucy. I have a feeling Ronnie will ensure that Lee is set up as the main suspect, but not for some time yet. Oh, yes, and she'll fuck him.

Once again, the Carters carried this, apart from the attempt to humanise DTC's personal favourite in that scene with Lee. As Lee has deemed Saint Shirley as "all right," then, why, so should we also. Not. I actually liked the fact that Linda always substituted the word "witch" with Shirley when the kids were small. So Shirley's "all right" by Lee. Is abandoning your children "all right" by you, Lee? You should know that Saint Shirley always relates better to someone else's children rather than her own. How long has it been since she even mentioned her grandson? And she works best, especially when she has the wherewithal to undermine a parent, like Linda.

I'm enjoying Timothy West's masterclass in understated acting. Danny Dyer and Danny-Boy Hatchard rise to the occasion. Mick is clued in totally to Lee, even if Linda is blinkered by the fact that he's serving Queen and Country. I want to know why he can't go back to the army, and what the "something stupid" was that he did. Stan knows, and that's significant.

My favourite tonight was Nancy, telling Terry and his kids that she was adopted, when she was embarrassed by Lee and Linda dancing. I didn't like her at first, but she's really nice now.

Honker.

Bianca, just go. Go now. And take Sonia and the superfluous Rebecca with you. The kid who plays Rebecca is obviously very talented as a young guitarist, which means we're going to see a guitar in every scene as a camouflage that she's another inexperienced young actor who sounds as though she's in a school play. I don't know what I hated more tonight - Bianca's obsessing about her favourite subject, herself, and forbidding her kids to see Terry's, or Sonia's martyr routine.

Tiffany summed her own character up in the reason she gave for liking Terry - he brought her presents. What a shallow, greedy, unpleasant little madam. I hope she goes with her mother.

Sonia's noble sufferer and her obvious subtle insinuations that we're getting about Martin being - not to put too fine a point on it - an oaf, was annoying. Actually, Bianca was right tonight in saying Sonia had the BRCA gene, and that didn't mean she would get cancer. FFS, she's a nurse, with access to medical information and assistance. As a healthcare professional, she should be following a healthy diet and lifestyle, and she'd have easy access - and her GP and Gene Counsellor would make certain of it - that she had very regular check-ups - mammograms, examinations and pap smears, in order to chart and deal with any abnormal cell growth at its incipient stages. Yet we get the last line from Sonia, being having to decide to get a double mastectomy. Please, that is the absolute last resort. Educate, DTC, do not misinform. Oh, and Rebecca wouldn't be tested until she was 18 - David referenced that about Abi to Max, weeks ago. Of course, we know all know this is leading to a Sonia-Tina liaison, and I guess it's established now that all the Beale-Fowler boys are oafish - Ian, Peter, the absent Martin. I guess David's attempted shagging of Nikki weeks ago on the kitchen counter counts as oafish also.

Oh, and Carol can bop and bully about the Square whilst under chemo, and it's good that she's got the word that her tumour is shrinking, but she can't even be arsed to visit Dot, instead cheesily passing her love onto Dot via Charlie. I'm glad he told her bluntly to go see Dot, herself. Since Jack has gone, the Brannings treat Dot abysmally.

This was the Carters' episode. Bar Shirley. The rest were creepy and annoying. 

Emmerdale beat EastEnders last night. What is DTC doing wrong?