Friday, December 6, 2013

The End - Review: - 05.12.2013

Cometh the end of Lorraine and love and warmth.

People question whether or not the recent spate of watchable episodes is really entirely down to Lorraine Newman, arguably one of the worst Executive Producers EastEnders has ever had, experiencing a late surge of creativity, or whether this is the fabled saviour Dominic Treadwell-Collins injecting his genius into the fix.

Difficult to call, but considering that the writer of tonight's episode was the infamous Jesse O'Mahoney, one of the weaker writers and that most episodes are written and signed off months in advance of their filming, most of this surge was down to Newman. Whether or not the previously dire (pun intended) writers decided, suddenly, to pull their fingers out of their collective arses and impress the new boy on the block is always a moot point for discussion.

Speaking of new kids, it was announced last night that none other than that noted thespian, Lacey Turner, is returning to reprise her role as Stacey Slater, which means that three years after spending time playing Stacey-Slater-Does-Comedy, Stacey-Slater-Does-Horror and Stacey-Slater-Joins-the-Army, the roles have dried up.

Yes, *Betty*, stop stamping your foot, we know that Stacey-Slater-Does-Afghanistan has been commissioned by the BBC for a five-part series, but that's more than likely a one-off deal. The pull-out from Afghanistan begins next year. The truth is, whilst Turner is awfully good at what she does (which is playing Stacey Slater), she's really not a versatile actress at all, and at 26, she's getting a bit long in the tooth to be playing piquant (but mouthy) Cockney sparrows. She'll be back in her comfort zone.

And that begs a question of DTC's ego. After all, he's brought back botox queen Sam Janus Womack, and now Turner is returning for a redux of The Stacey and Ronnie Show, which dominated our screens entirely from 2007 until 2010 and beyond. One wonders whether such returns are an indulgence of this EP's ego, but speaking as someone who is neither a fan or the porcine-featured Stacey Slater nor the porcelain-featured botox mask known as Ronnie Mitchell, I have to say that Slater's return is infinitely more viable than Ronnie's ever was.

I'll blog more about that this weekend - on with the review.

The Evil Woman of Walford.

People say Alfie Moon is weak, but tonight proved just what a weak and spineless coward Phil Mitchell is. Alfie was right when he asked Phil if Ronnie were making his business decisions now. Because she is. As the estate agent was explaining the timescale involved in the sale of the pub, all that poker-faced, cold-blooded psychopathic bitch wanted was Alfie, Kat and Tommy on the street. Not just on the street, but out of Walford altogether.


For jilting Roxy? If anyone is still sticking up for that piece of stinking cold turd shit, Ronnie Mitchell (and that includes the Ronnie-shipper who shows up occasionally on this blog to tell me how "sick" poor Ronnie is and was, cop this line from the episode spat out by Ronnie to Alfie:-

I don't owe you! That's how forgiveness works!

Really, Ronnie?

Because I was always raised to think that if someone you'd wronged had afforded you an apology, you were forever morally indebted to them. If Kat had stolen a Mitchell baby, the Moons would have been ridden out of Walford on a rail - and I don't mean courtesy of Walford East station either.

Phil's a stickler for family, sure, but even he wouldn't go as far as selling the Vic because someone dumped one of the runts of the Mitchell litter, and for all Phil says he "has plenty," the Vic is his major moneyspinner. The Arches? That's an archaic anomaly - a backstreet garage which originally serviced old bangers, but which now services late model cars, without properly trained and certificated mechanics or computerised mechanics. The R and R? That place is so small, they only get about four customers nightly.

The fact that Phil and Ronnie had kept all this from Roxy is also an anomaly, because out of that trio in this episode, Roxy was, clearly, the adult in the room. As things stand, even though Alfie dumped Roxy, she is still the manager of the pub, but Mummy Turd wants the Moons out now, this instant, set onto the street ...


Me-and-Roxy-me-and-Roxy. Me and Roxy can run the pub. Me and Roxy can run the R and R. Me and Roxy can raise Amy. Me and Roxy can sleep together. Me and Roxy can love each other.

Put a lid on it, please. Phil at least knew a bit about the law to know if he did things her way, he'd be hit with a lawsuit. Roxy's reaction was brilliant, and the scene between her and Kat was electric - Roxy wanting to talk to Alfie and Kat reckoning, rightly, that Roxy felt bad about what had happened because of the fact she wanted to talk to Alfie.

But the scene of the episode was that between Alfie and Phil, with Shitface trying to interject enough manipulation to try to scare Alfie off. I really wanted him to smack the shit out of her porcelain face. Who does this bitch think she is? She owes him nothing? That scraggy-haired manipulative whore took his child and paraded him around Walford for four months. The only reason she was crying and shitting herself was the fear of getting caught and losing Jack, whom she's since binned.

And where was the moral conscience of Phil Mitchell, whose son murdered a harmless citizen of the community, when she was saying all of this? The Mitchell hypocrisy is beyond belief, but the moment of the night came when Alfie sussed that Peggy knew nothing of this, and thus, he revealed the real power behind the Mitchell throne; because Peggy would never have allowed things to go this far. Another thing that neither Phil nor Shitface ever considered is that whoever bought the freehold of the Vic just might want to re-negotiate the leasehold again with Alfie, and there'd be nothing the Mitchells could do.

In that singular mention of Peggy's name, Phil's miniscule conscience was pricked, and I think he was impressed at the way Alfie stood his ground. He certainly was surprised that Alfie didn't go down on his knees, as Phil demanded, to beg Roxy's forgiveness.

This isn't what Roxy wanted, and she certainly didn't want Alfie thrown onto the streets with his family. She was the only one of that family dynamic who rose above the rest, and she asserted a subtle bit of independence, too, in standing up to Ronnie.

Roxy wants to leave. She genuinely does, and that's her choice; but leaving means she'll be out of Ronnie's immediate control.

When Ronnie demands to know why Roxy should leave, Roxy then throws something back into her face which she doesn't want to hear - that one day, Roxy will meet someone who'll love her and make all of this seem insignificant; but the only person, in Ronnie's mind, who'll love Roxy and make all of this seem insignificant, is Ronnie.

Because Ronnie has psycho-sexually inappropriate feelings for her sister. And that's the truth.

Kudos to Alfie for shoving the bust of the Queen Vic through the Mitchell front window, and to all the Alfie-haters who are whining about "oh-what-if-poor-Amy-had-been-sitting-there" ... Shut up. She wasn't. Amy is kept out of sight and mind and was probably at school, you numpties. It was a way of Alfie telling the Mitchells to take their pub and shove it up their collective arse.

The Tragedy of Alice the Goon.

I wouldn't say Janine was a psychopath. She's more sociopathic, and they are curable and can show empathy. The nightmares she's having of Michael aren't about guilt, but more about her fear and horror at what he was trying to do to her.

I'm glad Janine is uneasy about her association with Joey, although at first, I think her sexual reaction to him was more in line with a release of shock and grief, much the same as Carol's was with Connor. But the fact remains that Joey's association with Janine from the moment he banged on the Butcher-Beale-Jackson door is nothing more than witness harassment, and he could be arrested and prosecuted for that.

The truth is that Alice is not innocent at all. She's even admitted that she plotted with Michael to drug and subsequently overdose Janine and kidnap her daughter. Yes, she was totally manipulated by Michael, but her having been described anti-depressants, is news to me and a lot of other viewers, just as the presentation of Derek's wife as being an uncaring cow, who refuses to see her daughter or her son, washing her hands of them. Once again, the old demon of inconsistency rears its head, because Joey's initial scenes showed him badgering Alice to come home, on behalf of their mother.

The losers in life get scruffy, seedy solicitors, and Alice is no different. Actually, the solicitor's advice wasn't so bad - plead guilty to manslaughter and be out in a year, but Alice can't fathom that she will, eventually, be guilty of something - like assault, conspiracy to murder and kidnapping.

Another inconsistency:- If Joey reckons Janine is feeling guilt (and not fear) at killing Michael,and if he reckons (quite rightly) that Janine killed Michael because he was trying to kill her ... isn't that self-defence?

Alice should go down, and for a long time, and Janine should get away with this, because this time, she was and had been since her marriage to Michael, the victim of a psychopath - as Roxy is also a victim of a psychopath.

The Other Woman.

I'm surprised that Sadie didn't puke all over the house, what with her lard-arsed husband poncing about, naked under a pinny and sporting the cheapest kind of tattooed body art -really, a Native American?

Jamie Lomas has no screen presence, and no sexual chemistry whatsoever, with Jacqueline Jossa. This storyline, which should be a moral epiphany for Lauren, is nothing more than a poor excuse to move her into young adulthood. It's the beginning of what will probably be a big reveal and one in which Max will not have a moral leg on which to stand.

Decent enough episode on which to depart. Now let's see what Jesus Christ has up his sleeve.


  1. you don't throw your ex's father's murder weapon that your current partner's cousin was responsible for through her window! There is not a scenario where that would be acceptable not even in a soap. Whatever comes next is on Alfie.

    1. You do if your ex's sister is a plastic-faced no-nosed psychopathic bitch. I want to see someone bite that crooked finger she loves to wave around.

  2. Janine would not fall for this tripe with MonkeyBoy.

    1) MonkeyBoy isn't clever enough to actually pull it off.

    2) She is not gullible nor stupid.

    The only way this shagger storyline would happen is if it is Janine who is playing him right back with an end game in mind. Maybe she just wanted to put the final nail in the coffin by turning MonkeyBoy against his own sister.

    What makes it worse is that he is swaggering around the square mugging her off. This 'angle' he thinks he's got with the pills is feeble also as Janine could use this to her own advantage - does MonkeyBoy not realize that to a judge/jury this actually make things WORSE for MyAlice as it shows clear intent to kill - premeditated.

    If MonkeyBoy had a brain he would have gone to the lawyer with his theory instead of playing Colombo.

  3. I thought it was a great thing for Alfie to actually 'grow a pair' for once.

    My only issue is that it could have killed someone not least if Amy had been there [yes I know - not much chance of that :-)] or even Lexie parked up in the pram.