Well, they're here. The Carters have arrived. Even without looking, I can hear the orgasmic squeals of delight from the poor benighted souls who'll take the slightest crumb from the high table as evidence that EastEnders is on the upturn, even if that crumb (pun intended) is Danny Dyer.
I wasn't keen at all with the news of Dyer's arrival. His reputation preceeded him, and I didn't like the braggadocio inherent in his early interviews, where he claimed to be the one to save EastEnders and to turn it around. And then there was the insult to Emmerdale and the ensuing Twitter war between him and the actor who plays Andy Sugden.
Today's episode was the first that really featured the Carters, exclusively Dyer, whom - I gather - is a favourite, already, of the new Messiah, DTC. The husband-and-wife team were introduced to us gradually, but we knew the Carter Sugly Blisters well ahead of time.
With two other siblings (one another "hunk"), an elderly father, an auntie and a mother-in-law only mentioned today, there's room already for the clan to grow to Branning-esque proportions. Then there's Carly, Deano and their respective partners.
I think this is what's frightening most established viewers with this new clan - the fact that they're a product of this EP's ego and that they have every potential to grow.
My jury's still out.
The Carter Family
I'll be blunt. Although she's a strong actress, I don't like Shirley. I find her hard, brittle, bitter and twisted. I abhor the fact that she walked out on three small children, two of whom were not fathered by her husband, and we've yet to know why she did that. I hate the fact that she's a stinking alcoholic, and that's never been addressed either, and that she's obsessed with Phil Mitchell.
I agree with Sharon. She's pathetic. She was an abysmal friend to Heather, whose memory she betrayed the moment she elected not to shop Phil Mitchell to the police for covering up Ben's part in Heather's murder. I hate the fact she'd sleep with him in a New York minute and that Heather has been all but forgotten.
But why shouldn't we forget her? After all, we now have skinny Heather, in the form of Shirley's irresponsible, near-retarded, retconned sister, Tina, who dresses like a court jester and behaves like a twelve year-old.
Tina's got a twenty year-old daughter, the blue-haired Zsa Zsa, who probably brought herself up and went traipsing off to Spain three years ago to find her mother who, at that time was fine, fifty, heterosexual and living with her Spanish boyfriend.
Does Dominic Treadwell-Collins think the viewers, apart from the lowest common denominator of nitwit, wouldn't pick up on the obvious retcon - as well as the suddenly-mentioned brother from out of the blue, both of them decades younger than Shirley and whom she allegedly brought up when she wasn't being married to Kevin, dealing with the disabled James, sleeping around on Kevin and dropping kids for him to raise, before buggering off to party down with Heather.
Shirley is also a grandmother. Remember her glazed smile when gazing at her grandson last year? Yet, rather than stay with her daughter, she loped back to Walford to obsess on Phil.
The family who run the Vic are the powerhouse family of Walford - or they were, until Bryan Kirkwood fucked up and fucked over Alfie and Kat Moon and moved the centrepiece of action from the Vic to Max Branning's front room.
That bothers me, Shirley being part of the front and centre action, is how even more obnoxious she is when she's in a position of power. Who can't help but recall her strutting around Walford when she was living with Phil, demanding of people "Do you know who I am?" just to get her way.
She was up to that again tonight, first blowing vile smoke in Sharon's face and lording it over her because she got the Vic. Bullshit. Her power play previously came from her association with Phil, now it comes from her brother- nothing for Shirley, herself. Then she went about trying to bully Alfie into making contact with the suppliers to provide them with sufficient booze and crisps in which to open the pub, having sold all the stock the previous day. (Pardon me, but Mick Carter is supposed to be an experienced landlord, so why didn't he think to check out the stock on hand before his opening day?)
I hated her remark to Alfie ...
You owe him.
Er, no, Shirl, sorry. Alfie Moon doesn't owe your brother the skin off his arse.
I hate Shirl the Enforcer, Shirl the bully and above all, I hate Shirl the drunk. And I want to know why she's so unnaturally close to her siblings to the point that she hates her brother's wife, but she doesn't give a rat's arse about her own children.
Tina needs to grow up, ditch the weird clothes and either admit she's special needs or just act normal. Tina is DTC's combination of skinny Heather and Kim, who's suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth, so we have yet another Village Idiot with which to contend. At least she doesn't look like a man in drag, unlike her sister.
The Carter second son, whom we've seen first, Johnnie, is a cross between Jamie Mitchell and Jay Brown. We know that he's secretly gay, so we've got the first coming-out storyline since Syed the Gay Muslim. We also know that, rather than deliver us a love triangle (which Newman adored), DTC likes to go one step further, so we're going to have a love square featuring Lucy-loves-Danny-loves-Johnnie-pretends-to-love-Whitney.
The reveal to that should be enough to send Bag O'Bones Beale screaming from Walford and Whitney the Walford Mattress doing her bike routine again.
We met Linda Carter, or L (why?) last week. I like her, if for only the reason that she hates Shirley's guts. Good taste, that woman. Scrubbed up, she looks like a classier version of Roxy Mitchell, but I preferred her scrubbed down, with no make-up and running around Walford in her dressing gown and curlers, although her main function tonight was to establish the fact that there's a third Carter child serving in Afghanistan, and he'll be cast as soon as the EP finds the
After a rocky start, she did bond with Sharon, and I'm glad of that. Sharon needs a friend who isn't a Branning.
And finally, the big star, himself.
Well, suffice it to say, I wasn't as offended by his presence as I thought I'd be. Danny Dyer has the face of a rat and the loping body of an orangutang. Whoever reckons him to be eye candy is in serious need of a visit to SpecSavers.
And guess what? He's another whispery-voiced man - following in the tradition of Phil Mitchell, Beppe di Marco, Steve Owen, Jase Dyer, Tony King and Jake Stone. Only he's got a genuine Cockney whisper.
Oh, and he's Alfie Moon without the shirts. A family man who's a cheeky chirpy Cockney. Shirley and Tina become an acidic Nana Moon and an even more moronic Spencer.
I hear Dyer is finding the daily scripts a struggle, but I also hear he's trying to base his character on Mike Reid's iconic Frank Butcher. He should be so lucky. First impressions were meh, but they could have been worse. I'm prepared to give him a chance.
Harvest Moons.
Line of the night goes to Kat, gazing at the empty leather chair, formerly occupied by Michael:-
That Dracula chair has got to go. It gives me the creeps.
You can tell Alfie is worried about how he's going to support his family, but Kat is encouraging; however, she, Ian and others are a bit Micawberish in their insistence that "something will turn up."
I really feel for the Moons, because there was no real need to oust them from the pub - not only doing that, but selling the pub altogether, Phil doing that on Roswell Ronnie's sayso.
The fact that Alfie is a genuinely nice guy wasn't lost on someone like Mick. Alfie could have left him to stew in his juices with no supplies. Instead, he managed to get some stock to tide him over and also to round up some yokels so the new landlord would know his clientele.
I know it's fashionable to hate Alfie by some of the dumbasses on Digital Spy, but these people don't have the brain capacity to remember when Alfie first arrived on the Square and the remarkable chemistry he had with Kat. Alfie's problems this time around are the same problems faced by the likes of Ian and Phil - crap writing for male characters.
The Case of the Meales and the Missing Money.
So Hairy Cindy the Greek has been swanning around Walford with ten grand in her purse? WTF? As if ... any other person would have stashed the cash in some hiding place, but not this boy girl. At least, they've remembered the story of the missing money, and now Peter is demanding of his cowardly father that he return to dough to Phil (obviously to make it possible for Peter and Lola to canoodle again.
And after that, please can hairy Cindy the Greek leave? Especially now that Rebecca the Honker is arriving.
Memo to Ian: a free cappucino won't mend a broken heart.
The Other Sugly Blisters.
I just realised something else I hate about Roswell Ronnie - that awful little-girlish singsong voice she uses whenever she speaks to Roxy. It's the sort of patronising voice people who don't have children use when they're talking to kids - except Roxy isn't a kid. She's a woman in her late thirties, sneaking out from under her sister's domination in order to have some fun with a dodgy man.
She's gone from being understanding of Alfie choosing Kat over her, to being petty and malicious, making snide and petty remarks about him scouring the HelpWanted ads in the cafe. Why? Because she's seeing a man on the sly as an act of rebellion against a psychopath sister.
Ah, but these Sugly Blisters are the pretty ones, and so the viewers are supposed to afford them any kind of excuse to behave badly.
Amy continues to be a creepy, non-speaking kid. Does anyone realise that she's five years old?
A Twist in the Tail.
Sharon's, not Shirley's.
Who saw that coming (bad pun)? Phil and Sharon comfy in bed and enjoying every minute of it.
Just like old times ... More Phil and Sharon, please, and no contrived love triangle with the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
Headline News: Creature from the Black Lagoon Takes Over Queen Vic.
Oh, and the dog was adorable. Shame about Shirley.
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