I was going to begin this blog with that celebrated song from The Wizard of Oz, substituting the word "witch" with "bitch," but one mustn't speak ill of the dead, even if the dead are ficititious soap characters.
Wait ... I will, Here's a different version to honour the death of Lucy Beale and the impending death of Tina McIntyre of Corrie (otherwise known as MancStacey, as she was shoehorned into virtually every storyline.
Ding dong
The bitch is dead
Which blonde bitch
The East End bitch
Ding dong the skinny bitch is dead ...
She's gone where stick insects go
Belooooow below below
Yo Hoooo
Let's open up and sing ...
Ding dong
The bitch will die
Don't know how
And don't care why
Ding dong the orange bitch will die
She'll fall from a massive height
Ker-splatt with all her might
That's right
Let's all rejoice and sing ...
Ding dong those nasty girls
Big dark hair and golden curls
Won't be 'round
To bore us all to tears
Ding dong designer wings
Catwalk clouds and heavenly things
Ding dong
We hear the angels sing
Ding dong they're down below
That's where all the bitches go
Soapdom's two annoying girls are dead.
The Funeral from Hell.
In an otherwise magnificent episode, the funeral and all things Beale generally stunk the place up. One wonders if anyone ever taught Dominic Treadwell-Collins about the dangers of over-egging, but every episode since Skeletor died has featured an over-the-top performance of Ian Beale crying.
The Beales' grief has been selfish,self-centred and cruel in its honesty. It was awash in self-pity, both re Ian and Peter. Their true manipulative, ugly, self-centred characters have come to the fore, and innocent people will suffer. The irony of the entire piece is that it took the death of someone who looked down her nose at the people in her neighbourhood and whose family were generally disliked behind closed doors, to show us all, especially in Ian's case, how deeply unpleasant this family is.
Let's be honest about Lucy Beale. She liked no one better than herself. She hated her father,and her relationship with her brother was tense. Her so-called friendship with Lauren was a joke. They shared men and talked about themselves at each other without ever hearing a word the other said. When Lauren remarks that she didn't really know Lucy, she's right. She never listened to anything Lucy said, because she was too busy hearing her own voice. But then, Lucy never really knew Lauren either for the same reasons.
Lucy has caused enormous trouble for her family. She was responsible for her stepmother being shot, she harboured a boyfriend who mugged Patrick, she trashed her father's house in an impromptu party and when he reprimanded her, she smacked him full in the face. She got pregnant, promised the baby to childless Jane and then had an abortion. She cheated on her GCSEs. She never listened to or respected any of Ian's authority. She simply didn't give a rat's arse about anyone but her.
And her funeral was significant for those people who didn't attend as much as for those who did. Dot didn't go. Nor did Alfie and Kat. Carol wanted to go, but David and Bianca, Lucy's uncle and cousin, discouraged her. Honker didn't even show up to represent all that's left of the Fowler tribe in Walford.
Yet everyone is remembering this totally recreated angel of love and understanding, when most of them hated her as much as she hated them.
At least, Whitney was honest in her indifference. She didn't like Lucy, and Lucy didn't like her. They hung out together for Lauren's sake, and that's that.
But as much as this was the funeral of a stick insect, it was more about Ian and his incredible regression from weak man to spoiled child,and the root of all his problems lies in his longing for his mother and his unquelled desire for Cindy the Dead.
I'd so much reached saturation point with Ian's self-pitying and cloying exhibition of grief, I almost laughed at his physical appearance on Tuesday. He looked so corpulent in that suit that at times he resembled an annoyed John Prescott ...
... or rather, Harry Enfield doing his stock impersonation of Prescott, when he used to wear a shirt with the neck too tight. Mostly, this was Ian doing an impersonation of Harry Enfield doing John Prescott acting like a spoiled brat wanting either his mummy or his Maypo.
Really, Ian's mummy issues were all over the place again last night, compounded by his finding out that Max had been boning Lucy. And Abi as the phantom e-mailer puts her in the same light as Lauren was in Stax, able to harbour a secret until it has to come out.
In the end, the funeral, like this entire storyline has become all about Ian's self-pity, his fear of losing grip with his tenuous link with Cindy and his mummy issues coming to the fore. Now we know why Ian has always needed a woman. He's gone past the trophy wife stage to the point where he needs a wife as a mother figure-cum-household drudge. She's someone who needs to know that she lives in Ian's house, takes care of Ian's kids and gives prominence to Ian's businesses.
My singular distaste for Ian went from bad to worse when he subtly psychologically manipulated Denise into taking a taxi to the funeral with Patrick and Libby, whom he barely acknowledged. Libby's face at Ian's relief that Denise would not be in the "family" car instead of Christian, plus the very poignant picture of the three people of colour, still part of Ian's family dynamic, shoved aside in favour of the lilywhite adopted uncle who, at that moment, was the tenuous link to the mummy figure Ian wanted, but who hadn't arrived just yet, was representative of something simmering below this entire storyline. Libby recognised it for what it was.
And there she was ...
Jane horned in again. After telling Christian she couldn't attend the funeral, she slopes along and sneakily keeps a watch outside the church, until horning in on the Max moment and further planting herself into Ian's sphere of hope, before pulling out yet again. Jane seems to make a living on giving vulnerable men some sort of hope. It's obvious that although she loves Ian, it's almost a maternal love and not at all the sort of love that exists between spouses. Besides, when they were together before, it was more a marriage of convenience, with fondness, but no real love. Now Ian only loves Jane, because he misses her mommying, but when he can't have her, he's now begging Denise to stay, playing the little boy act again.
I hope Denise is strong and leaves him. She's right. He doesn't want her. He hasn't wanted her for ages, and now the only reason he wants her is because Jane has gone.
Watching Ian and Peter the way they've treated Denise and Lola throughout this ordeal has been pretty ugly. Ian tries to slot in with Denise once again, after Jane goes away, and Peter surreptitiously slots in beside Lola after discovering that Max was boning Lucy. Lauren was part of the Branning dynamic, after all, but he's still interested, and now Lola realises it.
As for the eulogy, two observations:-
1. Either Ben Hardy will leave within the next 18 months and go onto other things, judging by his performance in the eulogy tonight, or:-
2. He'll stay and become the natural successor to Adam Woodyatt as the resident crying male.
Sorry, but "Lucy was amazing when Ian was ill?" What? Lucy was the one who shacked up with and moved Joey into the Beale house and refused to have Ian in the house unless he signed the house and all his businesses over to her. That was amazing? That she couldn't show one iota of compassion for her father's illness then and afterward in the way she and Joey treated him? If anything, this is proof positive of the wiping clean of anything that happened during Kirkwood's or Newman's tenure. Sorry, but that was wrong.
Big highlight of this was Masood handing Jane her arse in a dignified way. Jane thought she was in for an easy forgiveness. She thought wrong. And latest mystery to compete with Abi the Mystery E-Mailer was Tamwar's discovery. Did Shabnam write the "Rot in Hell" card? Short answer? Probably.
A Man of Constant Sorrow.
Max is now the pariah of the Square, warned out of town by Sheriff Phil Mitchell and his Deputy Alfie Moon - yet another pair of characters whose bitter Newman-based feud has been forgotten.
Many people think Max's sexual association with his daughter's best friend both wrong and unseemly. Many of these people don't remember that Den Watts impregnated the 16 year-old best friend of his daughter Sharon and that Sharon and Michelle remain friends until this day.
More importantly, consider this: Several people think, and rightly so, that Max's and even Den Watts's sexual associations with Lucy Beale and Michelle Fowler, wrong because the men in question had known the women as children. They had watched these women grow up.
Well, Ian Beale, who objected so vociferously to a single older man having an affair with Ian's daughter, who'd been around the block more times than he'd care to admit, had sex with Janine Butcher, whom he'd watched grow up on the Square. Ian paid Janine for sex, the same way that Max paid Lucy for her favours.
The Carter Family.
I give credit where credit is due, and this episode was owned by the Carters. I found them totally more interesting than the tedious, self-obsessed pity party that was Lucy's funeral, complete with rivers of tears and the OTT exposure of Max as (one of) Lucy's lover(s).
I was willing that duff-duff to be what it was, and it was worth it. Now we know at least that Sylvie left the family fold before this happened, and that Shirley tried to drown Mick. Now let's find out why. I even liked her scene with Dean. Matt di Angelo has come so far as a young actor. He's really a pleasure to watch, and - bar Ben Hardy and Maddie Hill - he's head and shoulders above the other fair-to-middling youngsters attempting to act on the programme. It was nice to see two emotional ships collide with Dean finally breaking ice with Shirley at the same time Shirley's realising that it may be mete to break the ice with her old man. How lucky is di Angelo to have benefitted from acting masterclasses with Robert Vaughan and now Timothy West.
Now I want to know why Shirley tried to drown Mick.
I'm not a Shirley fan, but Linda Henry played a blinder tonight, as did Kellie Bright, in a more subtle and nuanced way. Linda Carter is arguably the best new character on the programme, and if anything, Nancy's simple line near the end of their storyline, where Linda was struggling to come to terms with Johnny wanting to go the gay club, was beautifully poignant, when she asked What's the matter, Mamma? and Linda hugged her close.
We knew the outcome of this situation, but it was still powerful, all the same.
Tina, go. Just go. Your incongruent remarks are neither endearing or charming. They're just dumb.
Wait ... I will, Here's a different version to honour the death of Lucy Beale and the impending death of Tina McIntyre of Corrie (otherwise known as MancStacey, as she was shoehorned into virtually every storyline.
Ding dong
The bitch is dead
Which blonde bitch
The East End bitch
Ding dong the skinny bitch is dead ...
She's gone where stick insects go
Belooooow below below
Yo Hoooo
Let's open up and sing ...
Ding dong
The bitch will die
Don't know how
And don't care why
Ding dong the orange bitch will die
She'll fall from a massive height
Ker-splatt with all her might
That's right
Let's all rejoice and sing ...
Ding dong those nasty girls
Big dark hair and golden curls
Won't be 'round
To bore us all to tears
Ding dong designer wings
Catwalk clouds and heavenly things
Ding dong
We hear the angels sing
Ding dong they're down below
That's where all the bitches go
Soapdom's two annoying girls are dead.
The Funeral from Hell.
In an otherwise magnificent episode, the funeral and all things Beale generally stunk the place up. One wonders if anyone ever taught Dominic Treadwell-Collins about the dangers of over-egging, but every episode since Skeletor died has featured an over-the-top performance of Ian Beale crying.
The Beales' grief has been selfish,self-centred and cruel in its honesty. It was awash in self-pity, both re Ian and Peter. Their true manipulative, ugly, self-centred characters have come to the fore, and innocent people will suffer. The irony of the entire piece is that it took the death of someone who looked down her nose at the people in her neighbourhood and whose family were generally disliked behind closed doors, to show us all, especially in Ian's case, how deeply unpleasant this family is.
Let's be honest about Lucy Beale. She liked no one better than herself. She hated her father,and her relationship with her brother was tense. Her so-called friendship with Lauren was a joke. They shared men and talked about themselves at each other without ever hearing a word the other said. When Lauren remarks that she didn't really know Lucy, she's right. She never listened to anything Lucy said, because she was too busy hearing her own voice. But then, Lucy never really knew Lauren either for the same reasons.
Lucy has caused enormous trouble for her family. She was responsible for her stepmother being shot, she harboured a boyfriend who mugged Patrick, she trashed her father's house in an impromptu party and when he reprimanded her, she smacked him full in the face. She got pregnant, promised the baby to childless Jane and then had an abortion. She cheated on her GCSEs. She never listened to or respected any of Ian's authority. She simply didn't give a rat's arse about anyone but her.
And her funeral was significant for those people who didn't attend as much as for those who did. Dot didn't go. Nor did Alfie and Kat. Carol wanted to go, but David and Bianca, Lucy's uncle and cousin, discouraged her. Honker didn't even show up to represent all that's left of the Fowler tribe in Walford.
Yet everyone is remembering this totally recreated angel of love and understanding, when most of them hated her as much as she hated them.
At least, Whitney was honest in her indifference. She didn't like Lucy, and Lucy didn't like her. They hung out together for Lauren's sake, and that's that.
But as much as this was the funeral of a stick insect, it was more about Ian and his incredible regression from weak man to spoiled child,and the root of all his problems lies in his longing for his mother and his unquelled desire for Cindy the Dead.
I'd so much reached saturation point with Ian's self-pitying and cloying exhibition of grief, I almost laughed at his physical appearance on Tuesday. He looked so corpulent in that suit that at times he resembled an annoyed John Prescott ...
... or rather, Harry Enfield doing his stock impersonation of Prescott, when he used to wear a shirt with the neck too tight. Mostly, this was Ian doing an impersonation of Harry Enfield doing John Prescott acting like a spoiled brat wanting either his mummy or his Maypo.
Really, Ian's mummy issues were all over the place again last night, compounded by his finding out that Max had been boning Lucy. And Abi as the phantom e-mailer puts her in the same light as Lauren was in Stax, able to harbour a secret until it has to come out.
In the end, the funeral, like this entire storyline has become all about Ian's self-pity, his fear of losing grip with his tenuous link with Cindy and his mummy issues coming to the fore. Now we know why Ian has always needed a woman. He's gone past the trophy wife stage to the point where he needs a wife as a mother figure-cum-household drudge. She's someone who needs to know that she lives in Ian's house, takes care of Ian's kids and gives prominence to Ian's businesses.
My singular distaste for Ian went from bad to worse when he subtly psychologically manipulated Denise into taking a taxi to the funeral with Patrick and Libby, whom he barely acknowledged. Libby's face at Ian's relief that Denise would not be in the "family" car instead of Christian, plus the very poignant picture of the three people of colour, still part of Ian's family dynamic, shoved aside in favour of the lilywhite adopted uncle who, at that moment, was the tenuous link to the mummy figure Ian wanted, but who hadn't arrived just yet, was representative of something simmering below this entire storyline. Libby recognised it for what it was.
And there she was ...
Jane horned in again. After telling Christian she couldn't attend the funeral, she slopes along and sneakily keeps a watch outside the church, until horning in on the Max moment and further planting herself into Ian's sphere of hope, before pulling out yet again. Jane seems to make a living on giving vulnerable men some sort of hope. It's obvious that although she loves Ian, it's almost a maternal love and not at all the sort of love that exists between spouses. Besides, when they were together before, it was more a marriage of convenience, with fondness, but no real love. Now Ian only loves Jane, because he misses her mommying, but when he can't have her, he's now begging Denise to stay, playing the little boy act again.
I hope Denise is strong and leaves him. She's right. He doesn't want her. He hasn't wanted her for ages, and now the only reason he wants her is because Jane has gone.
Watching Ian and Peter the way they've treated Denise and Lola throughout this ordeal has been pretty ugly. Ian tries to slot in with Denise once again, after Jane goes away, and Peter surreptitiously slots in beside Lola after discovering that Max was boning Lucy. Lauren was part of the Branning dynamic, after all, but he's still interested, and now Lola realises it.
As for the eulogy, two observations:-
1. Either Ben Hardy will leave within the next 18 months and go onto other things, judging by his performance in the eulogy tonight, or:-
2. He'll stay and become the natural successor to Adam Woodyatt as the resident crying male.
Sorry, but "Lucy was amazing when Ian was ill?" What? Lucy was the one who shacked up with and moved Joey into the Beale house and refused to have Ian in the house unless he signed the house and all his businesses over to her. That was amazing? That she couldn't show one iota of compassion for her father's illness then and afterward in the way she and Joey treated him? If anything, this is proof positive of the wiping clean of anything that happened during Kirkwood's or Newman's tenure. Sorry, but that was wrong.
Big highlight of this was Masood handing Jane her arse in a dignified way. Jane thought she was in for an easy forgiveness. She thought wrong. And latest mystery to compete with Abi the Mystery E-Mailer was Tamwar's discovery. Did Shabnam write the "Rot in Hell" card? Short answer? Probably.
A Man of Constant Sorrow.
Max is now the pariah of the Square, warned out of town by Sheriff Phil Mitchell and his Deputy Alfie Moon - yet another pair of characters whose bitter Newman-based feud has been forgotten.
Many people think Max's sexual association with his daughter's best friend both wrong and unseemly. Many of these people don't remember that Den Watts impregnated the 16 year-old best friend of his daughter Sharon and that Sharon and Michelle remain friends until this day.
More importantly, consider this: Several people think, and rightly so, that Max's and even Den Watts's sexual associations with Lucy Beale and Michelle Fowler, wrong because the men in question had known the women as children. They had watched these women grow up.
Well, Ian Beale, who objected so vociferously to a single older man having an affair with Ian's daughter, who'd been around the block more times than he'd care to admit, had sex with Janine Butcher, whom he'd watched grow up on the Square. Ian paid Janine for sex, the same way that Max paid Lucy for her favours.
The Carter Family.
I give credit where credit is due, and this episode was owned by the Carters. I found them totally more interesting than the tedious, self-obsessed pity party that was Lucy's funeral, complete with rivers of tears and the OTT exposure of Max as (one of) Lucy's lover(s).
I was willing that duff-duff to be what it was, and it was worth it. Now we know at least that Sylvie left the family fold before this happened, and that Shirley tried to drown Mick. Now let's find out why. I even liked her scene with Dean. Matt di Angelo has come so far as a young actor. He's really a pleasure to watch, and - bar Ben Hardy and Maddie Hill - he's head and shoulders above the other fair-to-middling youngsters attempting to act on the programme. It was nice to see two emotional ships collide with Dean finally breaking ice with Shirley at the same time Shirley's realising that it may be mete to break the ice with her old man. How lucky is di Angelo to have benefitted from acting masterclasses with Robert Vaughan and now Timothy West.
Now I want to know why Shirley tried to drown Mick.
I'm not a Shirley fan, but Linda Henry played a blinder tonight, as did Kellie Bright, in a more subtle and nuanced way. Linda Carter is arguably the best new character on the programme, and if anything, Nancy's simple line near the end of their storyline, where Linda was struggling to come to terms with Johnny wanting to go the gay club, was beautifully poignant, when she asked What's the matter, Mamma? and Linda hugged her close.
We knew the outcome of this situation, but it was still powerful, all the same.
Tina, go. Just go. Your incongruent remarks are neither endearing or charming. They're just dumb.
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