Christmas Week:- A Cain and Abel Christmas - Review:- 26.12.2014

Once again, the Boxing Day episode exceeds the Christmas Day extravaganza in events and in acting. This was a better episode by far and one perfect ten.

From small to large ...

Moon Muck. Well, now we know. It's as I said - 2015 will be spent with Kat fucking up and fucking around and Alfie picking up the pieces in an effort to win her back.

Don't bother, Alfie. She isn't worth it. We already know that she's going to be dropping her underwear, once again, for a stranger, and this is the same Kat who gave Whitney the dirty-girls-can-turn-it-around pep talk back in the summer of 2013 in what was, arguably, the best episode Lorraine Newman produced. But that was BDTC (get it - instead of "Before Christ", we have "before Dominic Treadwell-Collins") ...

You do know "Dominic" is another name version of "God ..."

Anyway, that was before the current EP took over, and as it seems that everything before his arrival has been pretty much wiped out, I guess that pep talk didn't happen, and Kat is still a dirty girl.

Whilst I know it's fashionable to hate Alfie, she is still coming across as a judgemental bitch. How many times must it be reiterated, that Alfie did something stupid out of desperation, that the intense fire and explosion was an accident, more to do with Big Mo than Alfie, and that he didn't know Kat had returned? FFS, he was the one who rescued her. Whereas everything she's done to him - the psychological abuse, the public humiliation, the repeated infidelities, not to mention Alfie assuming the role of father to the son she got by sleeping with his cousin.

Yet Kat's allowed to sit in judgement on Alfie and allocate a mere hour on Christmas Day for him to spend with his children.

So in 2015, the big Moon story we have on offer is Alfie pursuing Kat again, when we just got over a year of Kat mooning (pun intended) after Alfie. 

What is this? Two thousand variations on Kat-and-Alfie-break-up-to-make-up? Because if that's the only storyline DTC can manage to produce for this couple, then maybe it's time he summoned up enough courage to break free of both of them.

That's right - both of them. Kat is a woman in her mid-forties with three young children. She shows no sign of gaining any wisdom from the mistakes she's made in life, and the brief, ridiculous Mother Teresa blip Newman had her undergo in her so-called "journey" was all for nowt. Stacey shows more maturity and inisght than Kat will ever know, and a Kat without Alfie is just another bad combination of Bianca and Roxy, bumming around the market stall, dropping her trousers for various men, whining about feeding her kids and Stacey, like Carol or Ronnie, will have to be on hand to pick up the pieces.

Kat was right that Alfie only sees what he wants to see, forgetting that what he saw in her was someone worth saving through love and appreciation; she also forgets that when Alfie sees what he wants to see, he has a curious way of making his perception into reality.

So, yeah, at the end of this storyline, the Moons should bow out. They were once an iconic couple, and now they have the singular distinction of being the only iconic characters created by a soap and ruined by that selfsame soap.

Thank Bryan Kirkwood for that.

Cotton-Eyed: The Living Dead.

Watching events unfold at chez Cotton is like watching a gothic horror comedy tinged with poignancy. What's so creepy about the set-up is how Ronnie has virtually moved in and assumed command in Operation Get Rid of Nick. She dictates and the family obeys.

And what's happened to Charlie Cotton's balls? As a matter of fact, what's happened to Charlie Cotton? Here was a once-interesting and intriguing character, someone who may or may not be bad, but once he's tasted Veronica, his manhood's sapped to a dry twig. People used to say that Jack sucked the life out of Ronnie; well, it may have been the other way around, because Ronnie's certainly sucked the life out of Charlie. 

He's a mere shadow of himself, quietly deferring to Ronnie's obsessive judgement. She decides that, instead of waiting until Boxing Day, as planned, Nick needed to go today - ne'mind that Nick is Dot's son and in Dot's house. Ronnie lays down the law, 

Tonight's episode saw two mothers with tragic histories dealing with wayward sons. Dot's scenes with Nick were totally moving. Having watched the Dot-Nick dynamic unfold from the beginning, watching what he was capable of doing to her and what she never failed to do for him, it was evident tonight that, as warped as certainly Nick's actions have been toward Dot, the two have genuine love for one another.

Dot's taking leave of Nick, with the line I've only just got you back, and now I'm losing you again really brought a lump to my throat, as did Nick's response ~ Never mind, Ma; you got Charlie now and he's a better man than me~ . Not only Dot, but Yvonne and Charlie were affected Nick's going, everyone but Ronnie, who sat sullenly in her chair and pulled bored faces.

It matters not that Nick is Dot's only son, and this is Dot for whom she was supposed to feel some sort of fondness, but in recent times she's tried to manipulate. She cares nothing for what Dot might feel or, indeed, for what Charlie might feel about losing his father. She only wants Nick out of the way to suit her own purposes, and this storyline is so convoluted that I can't remember what her purposes are, except to keep Charlie out of prison.

And since when did Phil Mitchell become Murder Incorporated?

I mean the scene in the Vic where Phil reminds Ronnie of the set-up at the Cottons with whom she's getting involved, citing her baby's heritage - the grandson of a thief and a junkie (and also a murderer), and the great-grandson of a bigamist and con artist. Phil didn't mention Charlie's contribution to that collective gene pool, although he alluded to Ronnie, when he as good as offered to kill Nick, and Ronnie demurred.

This time last year, you didn't break sweat.

Unusual scene, but not without a reason. Phil Mitchell may be many things, but he's no killer. The death of the kid in the car lot was a tragic accident, but Phil couldn't kill anyone. He couldn't kill Archie, and he's admitted that he's no killer, so why the line? Was that a subtle allusion and suggestion to what Ronnie should do to Nick? Because I can't imagine Phil Mitchell doing that. That would be the pinnacle of disrespect and patronising of Dot, as well as an evil act in and of itself.

Nick isn't that easy to get rid of, as a cancelled ferry proved, because Nick, money scammed by Ronnie from Ian Beale, stayed put in Dot's front room, and Ronnie's face was a picture.

Mothers and Sons.

This was the aftermath of what happened before, and that's stating the bleeding obvious. For everyone who complained about last night's episode being underwhelming, it was always only ever leading to this. 

It's debatable which reveal takes precedence over the other - Linda's rape or Mick's parentage. It doesn't matter, really, this ultimately came down to being all about Mick and the destruction of his world as he knew it. In one fell swoop, everything he'd recognised as warm and familiar had changed - the sad, demented woman in the corner whom he thought of as his missing mother turned out to be his grandmother, his sister is now his mother, his father is his grandfather, his other sister his aunt, and some geezer he'd only seen once in his life, Buster, is his real dad. And the rapist is his brother, not his nephew.

The only thing left constant in his life is Linda, and she's been raped by Dean.

The twist in the tale for me is the fact that Mick's initial reaction to Shirley being his mother is rejection, captured so perfectly in response to Shirley's whine about seeing "her two boys" at each other's throats ...

I am NOT your boy.

Very deliberate, very serious and very meaningful. 

Mick is having a TMI moment. He's been fed too much information about who he was when he's spent 38 years thinking he's someone else. The penny dropping for Stan was an exercise in acting without uttering a word, but I recall the episode of the drowning reveal, when Stan came close to telling Mick that Shirley tried to drown him and ended up saying it was Mick's mother. Irony, or did Stan know, himself, that Shirley really was Mick's mother.

As if to confirm things, Sylvie suddenly had a moment's worth of lucidity attesting that Mick wasn't her son, he was Shirley's ... with the caveat but don't tell anyone. And we learned more about the secret birth. Present in the miniscule caravan at the time were Shirley, Sylvie, Babe and Tina as a toddler. And that the ultimate plan for Sylvie and Stan to raise Mick as their own was organised by Babe, as Sylvie, she asserted, wanted the baby put out for adoption.

So is that why Sylvie left?

Line of the night goes to Stan, looking directly at Sylvie and demanding to know the truth about Mick, when Babe suddenly intervenes:-

I'm talking to the organ grinder not the bleedin' monkey!

The only way Mick can deal with this is to compartmentalise what has happened. The only thing definite that he knows he wants is Dean out of his sight. He also wants to know that Linda is OK. And until he can deal further with Shirley's repercussions, he wants her out of sight too. Linda lays down the law there before Mick can say anything. She knows what Shirley's suffered must have been difficult, but all the same, she wants her out of the pub. With reason. Shirley's position as Mick's mother now reinforces her potential dominance.

Mick's prime concern, however, is Linda and opening time being ten minutes away. In the middle of their crisis, Linda is distracted by greetings from Sharon and Phil, and she determines that the pub needs to be opened with business as usual.Both she and Mick need to know that each other can get through this emotionally, and Linda charges Mick not to tell anyone about the rape. No one must know, not even the kids. She knows, Mick knows, Shirley and Dean know, but no one else could know. 

There was another outstanding scene between Stacey and Linda, when Linda came looking for Mick. Stacey wonders why Mick would come to the flat in which she's squatting (because she is), and Linda says she thought he'd be looking for Dean. Then she tells Stacey of the ways Dean has manipulated her, almost to the point where she wonders if Dean really believes that the act was consensual.

Stacey assures her that, deep down, Dean knows what he did was rape and wrong. He's trying to convince himself that a lot of this was down to Linda, but calling upon her time in prison, she says that most people inside assert their innocence, because they don't want to admit to themselves that they are capable of committing bad acts.

Amidst all of this confusion, two things happen that are significant:- when Stan attempts to make sense of the reveal and to assert to Mick that nothing need change, except the fact that Dean now has a brother, prompting Mick to tell Stan and a remarkably mature Tina that Dean raped Linda, and he wants nothing to do with Dean - all told as Linda eavesdropped outside. Mick has betrayed her yet again. Then we had the ubiquitous exchange between Mick and Shirley, with Mick referring to Dean as "that thing", prompting Shirley to sweep to Dean's defence, alleging that the rape allegations were all lies on Linda's part because she wanted to keep Mick.

Amidst all of this was yet another poignant mother-and-son scene, the final reconciliation between Dean and Shirley. Dean's lost everything, he's even lost the flat he still rents. (Squatters' rights, anyone?) He does what a boy does when he doesn't know what to do - he turns to his mother. At last, and in the wrong circumstances, he reaches out for Shirley and she is there, and Dean is reduced, once more, to a child looking for his mother, even referencing Jimbo's death leaving him missing and wanting a big brother.

Finally, we had the ritual Christmas destruction of the Vic, but done in a different way and for a different reason. This Vic demolishment was done during business hours, with a gaggle of people herded from the pub when Mick hoisted the Queen Vic bust into the cabinet behind the bar. (That bust has been cracked over Archie's head, through Phil Mitchell's window and now against the glass cabinet in back of the bar. Glasses were shattered, hands burst through glass-framed pictures and all because Mick had discovered that Linda had left him. Left him and left behind the replica Lady Di engagement ring.

Linda has left Mick. Again. And she reminded me vaguely of Peggy, striding from the Square, in her stilettos, dragging her pink suitcase behind her.

Good episode. The Carters are a world away from who and where they were a year ago.

The credits in this episode go to Matt di Angelo, Linda Henry, Danny Dyer and Kellie Bright.

Final Observation: The Brannings are pigs, especially Max, dictating to Emma, whom I'm beginning to like more and more, about what exactly her role is in his dynamic. Emma wants to cart Lauren down to the copshop, she comes to him first. Well, Lauren, as she reminds us often, is an adult. So now Max is going to destroy this footage of Lauren going to the Beale house, which, on second sight, doesn't appear that she turns around and walks away.

Carol and Sonia kissing Billy under the mistletoe and Fatboy's comical look when Mick went on a rampage? Really?

Christmas Week:- Secrets and Lies - Review:- 25.12.2014

I started to give this an 8/10, then I thought again and gave it a 9 rating. I watched this, live online, away from the family who were arguing about other thingson television. After all the hype, I wanted to give this my undivided attention, and after that, I wanted to think about it.

Was it a good Christmas episode? In a word, yes.

Was it sensationalist? Again, yes, but as I've said so many times, there are several shades of sensationalism, and this was but one of them. And although I enjoyed it, I don't think the overladen gaggle of secrets and lies laden on the shoulders of the Carters is the way to go in the future - at least not so much over-egging, which has always been the weak point of this EP - he simply doesn't know when to stop when he's onto a good thing, and that can be as disastrous as putting too much whiskey onto the fruitcake and lighting a match nearby.

Did it have its weak points? Most definitely, as well as some incongruous situations.

At the end of the day, 90% of the acting was good, and at least some damned secrets and lies started to unravel. Not being as much of a Carter-shipper, I have to say that I enjoyed their debacle more than the infuriatingly smug Beale-Branning bunfest and the macabre zombie Christmas at the Cottons.

Home for Christmas.

Wow ... loss of innocence much in CarterTown?

You had all the signs, all the obvious indications that this was all going to end messily and that things wouldn't go, well, according to plan. 

Mick saying, almost at the beginning, Vis is gonna be the best Christmas EVAH!

Well, you just knew otherwise.

Shirley panicking that Sylvie might blurt out to Stan that Mick wasn't his son, and Babe reassuring her Don't worry, that won't happen. As soon as she's had her dinner, I'll whisk her back home.

I mean, it's written in the stars, innit?

Even on Christmas Day, Mick is still packing two more major secrets - the fact that Sylvie's coming to dinner, never thinking about Stan having invited Cora, and the fact that he's going to propose to Linda, never imagining that she's been raped by Dean - or, indeed, that Dean's his brother.

And speaking of that, we've had hints galore.

Mick: I always fancied a baby bruvvah to kick around. Guess a nephew ain't so bad.

Shirley: You don't know how long I've waited to see the two of you sat round the same table. (But not Jimbo and Carly, eh, Shirley? They don't count as much, do they, Kevin's disabled son and the daughter who wasn't fathered from the fragrant loins of Buster).

And finally, there was Shirley smiling, Shirley happy and Shirley content, and you know that is absolutely a prelude to disaster.

We had the Carter extravaganza that DTC gleefully promised us - the good, the bad and the ugliest of them all. They were all there, one year on from their first appearance, even a Skype call from Johnny, who miraculously seems to have reached Italy in the dead of winter on his Lambretta. Christmas miracles do happen!

First, we had it drilled into us that the Carters are, really, nothing more than overgrown children aping at being adults - well, at least the older family members are. There was the Court Jester, suited up in children's onesie pajamas with an Inca-style woolie hat atop her head, there was Mick asking Nancy to hold the fort under threat of making her a bridesmaid for his and Linda's wedding and wearing a pink, creampuff dress, and Nancy, the proverbial, stereotypical tomboy of 21 going on 12, making a face and responding with a funny sound; there was Linda, jumping up and down in a paroxysm of childish delight and demanding her present from Mick.

Watching this all with the unmistakeable sense of dread, we all knew the whole shabang would be in tatters after an hour.

Of course, there were some bleeding obvious things to note here - like the fact that Mick's Christmas present to Shirley was a bottle of vodka, which, she informed him, she intended to crack open right away -and this was Christmas morning.

So there we have Peter the enabler of addicts across the Square, and Mick unwittingly enabling Shirley's addiction first thing Christmas morning, because, people, Shirley is an alcholic, make no mistake, and the sooner TPTB man up and address this, the better. We also caught a whiff of Dean developing an alcohol dependency as well, starting with a shot of booze at Patrick's and then proceeding to knock back the whiskey at Mick's as he listened to Mick's secret plan to propose to Linda, complete with the real deal replica of Lady Di's sapphire and diamond engagement ring. Turns out that all along that clunker Linda's been wearing on her finger is as phony as her marriage to Mick.

Dean's out for revenge, but he ends up, initially, helping Mick find Linda's ring and listening to Mick wax lyrical about his love for Linda; however, Dean wonders why Mick's never managed to marry her before, and Shirley, overhearing, is touched at Mick including Dean as a part of the family. 

Matt di Angelo and Danny Dyer played blinders tonight. Di Angelo was so convincing in even swerving viewers into thinking that he'd thought better of his revenge motif and was actually touched at Mick's affection, but the next scene, as Mick scattered rose petals on Linda's bed brought out Dean's real motif, when Dean suggested that Linda was basically an easy touch, offending Mick, who thought Dean was drunk. Equally, earlier, we had a foretaste of Dean's manipulative side, when he told Linda that he didn't intend to tell Mick anything, that Linda's guilt would do all the talking, that she felt guilty for what she'd done and was now using that.

Not true, but then, there is an element of guilt which Linda is feeling and that has to do with the child. Dean was still using tactics of mind control to make Linda doubt what actually happened, but Linda's guilt lay with the child she's carrying and not knowing who the father was and always wondering.

Linda never intended telling Mick today of all days, but once she learned that Dean was upstairs, the die was cast, especially that brief scene where she was sitting in the Carter kitchen, at the table where the rape occurred and Mick's Pretty Flamingo wafted through from their bedroom. Of course, that was their song and the song playing the night Dean raped her.

The confession scene was good, but I felt Kellie Bright carried that scene. Dyer played it well, but I thought his emotions were a bit OTT, and I never cease to be amazed at how sexually aware the Carters seemed to be as children, with Mick's tale of the first time he'd seen Linda as he was playing football. Since Linda had the make-believe house-playing wedding with Mick when she was twelve, that would have put Mick perhaps at twelve when he first saw her and Linda at eleven. Prepubescent sexual longing. 

It actually surprised me that she told him, there and then, about the rape and that he believed her. I believe him when he said that he truly loved her and that he would never not want her, but I caught a glimpse of hesitation in his face when she told him that she wasn't sure who fathered her child. That will prove to be an obstacle in their relationship.

The other thing which surprised me was that he actually told Shirley and told her to find Dean and tell him never to come around again. I never believed Shirley would buy Mick's word, alone. Shirley, until the last frame of the episode tonight, is the only person, bar Babe and a demented Sylvie, who know that Mick and Dean are brothers, and Shirley would definitely want to hear Dean's side of this story, especially as there's no love lost between her and Linda anyway.

(Don't forget that Shirley's told Linda that Linda's children hate her and want her gone, and that's wishful thinking on Shirley's part).

We had the wonderful scene of Linda and Mick sitting on the sofa, with Linda in the exact same position where she sat when Dean was upset, going over everything with Mick and even promising to go to the police after Christmas, then finishing it off with another example - this time a real one - of strength in womanhood: Linda virtually forces Mick to sit with the family and eat Christmas dinner as if nothing had happened, and Mick is barely able to do this because the revelation that his wife has been raped has so phyiscally affected him. I can sort of understand Linda not wanting to disrupt Christmas Day anymore with this coming out into the open and involving police, but I was more than just a tad amazed that she'd insist on going through the ritual of mingling with the family, amongst them Dean's mother, after that shit had hit the fan.

Of course, you knew what Dean would tell Shirley - that this was consensual sex, that Linda didn't tell Mick because she was afraid of getting found out, herself (and not because she was afraid of what Mick would do to Dean), so it's easy for Shirley to surmise that Linda was lying to save her own arse and to land Dean in it.

This has to be the "Shirley-Has-Dean's-Back" dilemma to which Matt di Angelo referred some months ago, but Shirley wants to have this out with Linda right now, but she's pre-empted from doing so by Mick losing his cool and beating the shit out of Dean ... only for Shirley to scream out that Dean was Mick's brother.

Dramatic moment? Yes, well, it was, but was that line really congruent with the scheme of things? She should have shouted It was Linda or Remember your parents are here or something else. I know that the two are brothers and that the aim of this episode was to bring that secret out into the open, but it just seemed an odd thing that would make Mick stop bombarding Dean.

Now the secret's out, let's see the aftermath tomorrow.

As for the new Sylvie-Stan-Cora triangle that's emerging, not good. The actress plays Sylvie well, and Cora is suspicious that Sylvie is just a manipulator. Well, Alzheimer's patients can manipulate as well as anyone. Sylvie is attracted to Mick, but she doesn't know why, and Mick accepts that her condition means she won't recognise him; she may not even recognise Tina. But that's the beauty of Sylvie - you never know when she's telling the truth or when she's confused.

Like the incident of the necklace - she told an elaborate tale of it having belonged to Diana Dors and Stan traipsing all the way to the West End, stinking of fish, to buy it for her. When Cora gives Stan the fisheye, Stan protests that the necklace was bought cheaply at a local market. Stan is as befuddled as anyone with Sylvie's appearance, and actually, that was quite tacky of Mick to bring her along, when he knew full well that Stan had arranged to spend the day with Cora.

She does remember snippets, as photos seem to jog her sleeping memory - like Tina at ballet lessons - and she's great with the incongruent and often truthful lines ...

Sylvie to Nancy: Is that why you dress like a boy then?
Nancy: I don't dress like a boy.
Sylvie: Are you a lesbian?

Sylvie's right here. Nancy does dress like a boy. She doesn't even dress like an adolescent boy, but rather an 8 year-old off he playground.

Cora's uncomfortable with Sylvie and jealous in the bargain and walks away from the situation, which is about to result in Sylvie backing up Shirley's unwitting confession.

Well, it lived up to its hype, I suppose. Lady Di was cute.

The Bizarre Beales.

The Beales and the Brannings are spending Christmas together on the strength of two of their most self-obsessed members being in lurve. Max is reluctant to cosy up to Ian Beale, and the Beales are at their affluent smuggest. Ian's just fronted money to Ronnie the Bully to fund Nick's departure from Walford, and Bobby the Beaver Brat is anxious to open all the presents that have been lavished on him, whilst sullen Cindy the Greek is sighing about "just putting Beth down."

OK, we get it. She's bored with motherhood, but that's her own sorry fault. I hate this character immensely, but what I hate most about her is how in almost every episode in which she appears, we get the toss of the hair, the rolled eyes and the bored sigh accompanied by the line, 

I've just put Beth down.

Pardon me, but that sounds like she euthanised the kid.

Tonight we got a double bill of tossing hair, widened eyes and all too obvious knowledge of the camera being upon them with Lauren and Cindy sat again at the same table. Both of these actresses are acutely aware of the camera being present, which is why we get hair tossing, head flicking and over-exaggerated facial expressions. 

Ian and Jane were both insufferably smug tonight, Ian wanting to lord it over Max by serving a five course meal - "one of the first things they taught him in catering college". Of course, the Brannings come laden with gifts, and there's a weird one under the Christmas tree for Beth, which appears to be musical. It's Lucy's jewelry box, which Ian had donated to the charity shop, meaning someone who knew this to be Lucy's jewelry box must have bought it for the purpose of leaving this under the Beale tree.

Before the package was noticed and just after the Brannings arrived with their bounty, we got a brief hint in the fact that Ben had dropped by and left some presents under the tree.

OK, let's recap:-

Ronnie has been at Ian's a couple of times bullying him into raising money for Nick's departure.

Jane made a vague remark to Cindy about "some people" had left gifts with her for Beth.

The Brannings arrive with gifts.

Ben has just dropped by to leave some gifts.

Ronnie has been at Ian's a couple of times bullying him into raising money for Nick's departure.

She's still high on my suspect list, but Ronnie isn't the type to frequent charity shops, and she wouldn't have known that this item belonged to Lucy Beale.

Jane made a vague remark to Cindy about "some people" had left gifts with her for Beth.

Jane's remark didn't quite ring true for me. There are only a few people in Walford close enough to the Beales to warrant giving Cindy's sprog a gift, and most of them wouldn't have left the gift with Jane. Jane, however, knows what Lucy's jewelry case looked like and could have spotted it in the charity shop window. She could be spinning a yarn about the vague people to take the scent away from the fact that she put that present there.

The Brannings arrive with gifts.

Was there really any need for them to buy gifts for the whole family? Lauren and Peter, yes, and a bottle of plonk for mein host, but nothing warranting a bagful of presents. That's another red herring. Still, Abi acted just ... weird throughout the whole episode, and she was seen holding Beth in the background, as Cindy opened the package. Clue?

Ben has just dropped by to leave some gifts.

We know that the picture frame which killed Heather ended up in the charity shop and that Ben kept it hidden under his bed beforehand. Ben has a way with wanting to keep trophies. We know now that Ben popped in earlier to deliver some presents. Ben has form in this sort of thing ... or is he a red herring.

I'm inclined to believe now that someone around that table might be responsible. First of all, Lauren needed a smack, or at least, a goblet full of water thrown in her direction, for the way she spoke to Emma at that table. Emma may no longer be on the police force, thanks to Max, but she still thinks like a copper, and she knows that receipt of that gift must be reported to the police. Instead, Ian - led by Peter and Jane - wants everyone to forget the incident and move on. Lucy would want them to celebrate.

You what? Lucy would be crying out from the depths of hell to catch that asshole who brained her and send them down there to deal with the Devil and with her.

In no way do I think Ian did it. I just think he's afraid of finding out who did. Because it's someone he knows.

And correct me if you think I'm wrong, but Jane assuring Lauren that she saw her turn and leave the Beale's house that night, as she looked out Masood's window, doesn't ring true somehow. I'm sure Lauren did exactly as she said she did, but Jane was almost coaching her in what was an obvious lie. Is Jane guilty? After all, she has hidden evidence, after persuading Ian it was better to get rid of a clue than to inform the police.

Summerhayes is right to be suspicious, and the way Max spoke to her was also disrespectful and rude. She is right. Lauren made a false statement to the police and needs to rectify that as soon as possible before someone - like Lee Carter - gets to the police first with this evidence. If Lauren corrected her statement and told the police why she lied, it would be a matter of nothing; but she doesn't want to go to the police and Max is near as damn it threatening Emma.

I'm looking forward to the penny dropping for Emma, because this is looking as though a Branning might be involved ... or a Beale, as in Jane.

Cotton-Picking. I feel sorry for Dot. And Charlie. They've allowed Ronnie, unintentionally wielding a knife, to move in and run the show.This is turning into a farce of great proportions, especially the ritual emasculation of Charlie Cotton. Ronnie thinks a knife will deter Nick? Nick's killed with a knife and in the Square.

Dot's just glad he's there for Christmas, and Ronnie's giving no thought whatsoever to a woman for whom she's supposed to feel great fondness. Nick is Dot's son, and he's Charlie's father. They're bonding over family photos, and Charlie feels a part of a dynamic at the moment. Unfortunately for him, the snobby, cold fish psychopath who's the mother of his child shudders at the thought of a Mitchell being a part of the Cotton crew.

Good episode.

Christmas Week: The Night Before Christmas - Review:- 24.12.2014

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you DTC's version of Love-and-Warmth EastEnders and its cast ...

Didja spot the Mick? Didja spot the Alfie?

Tomorrow is the bumper day we've waited all year to view. Tomorrow, boys and girls, is CarterDay Christmas Day, 65 minutes pitted against Downton Abbey for the biggest, loudest, most sensational Christmas Day around Walford way since the Stax reveal, except now we're getting a BOGOF from the Carters - two for the price of one, when Mick finds out that Dean raped Linda and then finds out that Dean is his baby brother.

Take that, Corrie! (And just as there are seven shades of grey, there are also seven shades of sensationalism, all of which in some way we shall see exhibited tomorrow.

But tonight? Tonight was a filler, with a smidgeon of a clue inserted about a very important storyline, a milquetoast build-up for tomorrow, and a bit of love and warmth. I guess DTC has to show us that he can even do love and warmth better than Lorraine Newman.

Dean's Dilemma. I give credit where credit is due. When Dominic Treadwell-Collins does something well, he does it bloody brilliantly; and he's presented us with the portrait of a rapist which sets out to and succeeds in confusing and conflicting the viewer.

Precious few people could fail to feel a smidgeon of sympathy when Linda confronted Dean with the absolute reason why he had chosen to tell her family that she and Mick weren't married - because he, Dean, was alone and had no one.

This is Dean's ethos, and whilst the rape is entirely his fault, his view of his immediate world, is down to one thing and one thing only - his mother's perceived rejection. 

Dean returns to Walford to find the mother who abandoned him, shacked up in the Vic, the premier power establishment on the Square, her name above the door and cosying up to relatives he hardly knew. She's doting on the man who appears to be his uncle. She's at home and comfortable with these people in a way she never was with him. Of course, he feels left out and isolated. And rejected. Again.

I often wonder if Dean's jealous of Mick and what he has is down to his feeling that if he had something similar, then perhaps Shirley would be with him instead of mooching off Mick. That he loves his mother there is no doubt, it's just that he feels she keeps walking away from him.

I had previously thought that Dean knew exactly what he'd done to Linda, and I'm still certain of it; but I think he's trying to convince himself that the sex was consensual as well as messing with Linda's mind about the rape. He's subtly intimating to her that because she didn't resist or put up a fight, and that she's said nothing to date about the rape to anyone (bar Stacey) that she tacitly consented to having sex with him.

Remembering Dean from his previous time on the Square and the problems he had relating to women before (and the ultimate trouble in which he found himself because of this), I can see why he would be delighted - and probably happy for the first time in his life - to have connected with Stacey; and I also feel that he knows exactly what Linda said to her which made her react to him in the way he has. Now, this time, because of Linda, he's known rejection again, and we're getting a pretty good idea of what rejection can do to Dean.

Dean's ultimatum to Linda made it abundantly clear that he knew exactly what had transpired between the two of them, and also that such a claim on Linda's part would be difficult to prove.

Stacey isn't budging, and that's good on her part, but her ultimate rejection has set Dean on a course of no return now, in relation to blowing asunder the fairytale relationship that is Mick and Linda.

Mr Pleasant.

That would be Mick, dontcha know? Mr Crowd-Pleaser, turning every potentially difficult situation into something positive. In reality, just like Dean, Mick is just an overgrown kid, who wants his mother, who's made a living out of playing house and who's gone from being a daddybaby to a babydaddy. Mick has never known adolescence; he's only known fatherhood.

The only difference between Mick and Dean is that Dean knows perfectly well who and what his mother is, and Mick doesn't have a clue. He thinks Mummy Dearest is a batty old lady suffering from Alzheimers who has been secreted away by evil Aunt Babe these past five years and then some. The boy wants his Ma, except his Ma happens to be Shirley, Queen of Scrotes, whom he thinks is his sister.

Once again, the writers have convoluted and constricted the reconstructed Carter timeline that they've twisted themselves again with the maths. Mick recalls pestering Shirley every year about writing letters to Father Christmas - except that, from the time he was a year old until he was five, Mick was in care, and when he got out of care, Shirley was married to Kevin and expecting Jimbo, unless Kevin and Shirley lived with the Carters.

Every year, Mick would wish for his mum to come home.

And now, after thirty-four years, she is! he exclaims.

Hang on a minute ... thirty-four years? Mick is thirty-eight, and it was made abundantly clear that Sylvie had long gone by the time Shirley tried to drown him, and he was still pretty much an infant then. So is Mick really saying that Sylvie left home when Mick was four? Er, wasn't he still in care during that time?

This is mind-boggling and it's what happens when heretofore unmentioned relatives are tagged on. Timelines aren't thought out and people get caught out.

Anyhoo, Shirley's jealous. Aunt Babe is right about that. And try as they might, the writers cannot make Shirley sympathetic. They want to do so, and that doesn't mean Shirley's any less an interesting character ... she's simply not sympathetic or likeable. Maybe Sylvie summed her up most accurately, when she remarked about Shirley constantly having a sour face. The character veers from bitter vindictiveness to crass self-pity, masked by ugly bravado - if that sounds familiar, those characteristics could easily be applied to Kat Slater, another eternal victim who's never to be blamed for anything.

The first of the Carter secrets is out - the fact that Mick and Linda have been playing grown-up for the past 23 (or is it 22, once again, the writers have fucked up on the Carter siblings' ages) years.

Linda has the line of the night.

Of course, I'm angry! The kids were supposed to think we were married.

Really, Linda? Why? Isn't that sorta kinda hypocritical of you? And it's a situation you could have remedied at anytime during the past twenty-odd years, as it seems that Mick has asked you on several occasions and you've declined the honour. What better way to stop your children from being hailed as the bastards at a Peacock family reunion than by legalising your commonlaw status.

(Nancy, the new eternal child, revealed that Johnny was devastated to find out the news. That's right, in the cold dead of night, as Johnny wove his way through a gaggle of asylum seekers surrounding his Lambretta, ploughing his way toward Italy, he receives a phonecall from Nancy:- Johnny (boohoo), I gotta tellya, Mum'n Dad ... they ain't married).

Does Johnny turn around and return? Does he, bollocks.

Lee even wonders whether he's a Carter or a Peacock. (Lee, trust me, you are definitely a pea cock.)

I can't reiterate enough the varying degree of childishness prevalent in the Carter tribe, starting with Linda, whose childlike, romantic behaviour is enabled by Mick and the kids, all of whom she's mollycoddled to such a degree that they behave as if they are years younger than they really are. Linda believes in fairytales, and it was easy enough to concoct such a fairytale marriage on the back of Mick's true love, but you are left wondering why she wouldn't commit fully, when he was ready to do so on any number of occasions. Now, when she's carrying a child of whose paternity she's uncertain, she's willing to take the plunge and pretend again that this baby just might, just might be Mick's.

Why does this remind me of the Roxy-Sean fiasco, when Roxy convinced herself that Amy had to be, must be Sean's child?

In fact, Linda seems to think that if Dean just disappeared, the inconvenient and possible truth about her child might never be exposed, which is why she agrees to try to convince Stacey to forget she ever told her what Dean did, to leave her, Linda, to deal with the situation. Mind you, she doesn't actually tell Stacey to return to Dean -she just told Stacey to carry on as normal.

Then there's the regression of Nancy Carter.

What's happened to this formerly refreshing character? She was formerly a breath of fresh air, an ingenue whose head was firmly on her shoulders and not up the anal passage of self-obsession. Now, all we're getting is funny, little girl singsong voices and stereotypical tomboyish behaviour only manifested by twelve year-olds - she and Lee are like two ten year-olds grappling and teasing, and whenever the subject of romance is brought up, Nancy makes a gagging noise and sticks her tongue out. Not only is Tina an overgrown child, it looks as if Nancy is as well, and the charm is wearing thin.

Once again, I blame the parents. Mick is an affectionate father, but he treats his children as if they were ten years younger than they actually are.

Mr Pleasant's achieved his Christmas dream - the woman he believes is his mother is coming home, and he's decided to propose to the mother of his child.

He is about to be shat upon from a great height.

Childhood ends here and now tomorrow, kids. For everyone.

Community Service Announcement. Jane knows what side her bread is buttered on. The Beale sitcom was embarrassing - from the Beale Machine bedroom scene to the cheesy Newmanesque scene of Jane singing "All I Want for Christmas Is You" followed by a proposal on her knees to Ian. Gosh, that scene alone was emblematic of so many things that are creepy about this programme. In a proposal sequence, the person getting on their knees is usually the groom-to-be, begging for the acceptance of a female on a pedestal, who, afterward, will become his chattel? Does this role reversal mean that Jane is deferring to Ian's honour only to treat him as chattel afterward? She already treats his home and his businesses as if they are hers.

This coy romcom non-secret liaison, which the kids - including Cindy, who's very presence in that household offends me - suss almost immediately, followed by Alfie spreading the gossip and eventually talking Jane around to the feasibility of making her romantic association with Ian common knowledge was more than Newmanesque in its insipid nature. But it will be given a bye, because DTC approved it. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and even the brightest and the best drop a clanger.

The fact that everyone and his dog in Walford was happy for the Beale reconciliation also rang untrue. Of course, Ian would garner immense sympathy for what he's suffered this year, but that doesn't mean that he's become a nicer person. If anything, both he and Peter Prick have used their grief as an excuse to behave abysmally, and Ian was never well-liked by the local yokels. He got a modicum of grudging respect for being Lou's grandson and Pete's son, but he was never loved.

The fact that Jane's craven proposal was made to an smarmily smug Ian in front of Denise, whom they both disrespected by their surreptitious bonk, was callous. And I thought Phil had resolved his differences with Ian. Why is he taunting and goading him again? And why are Sharon and Carol now background characters of the piece?

And there's the other rub ... Jane mentions in passing that she'd received "some presents from people for Beth" today. You what? First of all, I don't imagine there'd be a string of people queuing up to give presents to the child of another child whom they barely knew and who treated them all as if they were bad smells. Secondly, there would be few enough people that Jane would remember who gave Beth a present. This could be how the mystery package gets under the tree. On second hand, it could be a clever lie by Jane to explain how that package got under the tree. Remember Jane has hidden Lucy's phone and purse. Thirdly, maybe Ronnie planted it there surreptitiously when she was whingeing to Ian about helping her get rid of Nick. And Abi is babysitting Beth? Seriously? Abi has become the babysitter for that most entitled of children, Cindy Williams?

The Bitch. Shut up, Kat. Of course, Tommy's asking questions about his father, and kudos to Stacey for coming up with a suitable porky pie to save the child anxiety, something of which Kat never thought. So she's going to allow Alfie a time and place to see the children and pretend everything is hunky dory, then she's going to callously break Tommy's heart - all to assauge her own shitty ego.

Shut up, Kat. In case you haven't noticed, you're right back where you started. You've gone from squatting with Alfie to squatting with Stacey, who's jobless. Don't expect Dean to pay rent for you, and you're in competition with Kush and Donna the Poisoned Dwarf on the market, both of whom appear to have better stock than you. In short, you don't have a pot to piss in and neither does Stacey. Let's hope Tommy appreciates that inconvenient truth as well.

I really want the Moons to leave in 2015.

Now for the shit to hit the fan tomorrow. Let's hope it's a good one, as John Lennon said.

Merry Christmas.