It was the best of episodes, it was the worst of episodes. It was an episode showing great performances, it also showed the worst performances. There were characters you loved to hate, and there were characters you simply hate. There were things which happened, which were suprising ... and things that were drawn out almost to oblivion. The big surprise reveal of a lie fell flat. Blink and you would have missed it. I'm not even sure I caught it.
We also have two adolescent girls who need to be smacked, not once, not twice but literally bounced around the Square.
When the most interesting character in an episode turns out to be Max Branning, a formerly nuanced character turned into an actual foot-dragging caricature, something's not firing on all cylinders.
Still, there's always Leave It to Beaver Bobby ..
The Truly Awful Beales. They're like a horror show, aren't they? They're truly so bad, that you can't help rubbernecking in horror at what a dysfunctional, co-dependent set-up they are. Pathetic Ian, clueless Jane, tarting themselves up as caring, sharing parents, preening about bringing their children up so properly when, in the classic words of Sonia, they can't even bring up phlegm.
By the way, what happened to that declaration that parents wouldn't be seen through the eyes of their children? There was plenty of that perception tonight.
Firstly, let's get something straight about dear, departed Lucy - or should I say dire, deceitful Lucy? Are they doing a post-mortem whitewash of her character? Because I can't ever remember Lucy being a nice person. From early adolescence, she caused Ian (and Jane) nothing but grief. As for Jane, she and Christian. both of whom had never been parents, consistently ridiculed Ian's attempts at seriously parenting his children and undermined him, Christian, openly encouraging Lucy to backchat Ian and go against the grain.
The entire home truth scene in the Beale abode infuriated me, because of the way things were twisted against what actually happened in real time in recent years. Clever of DTC to tie in one of Adam Woodyatt's panto breaks in the past (the excuse given was that Ian had to rush to Devon because the twins had been in a car crash) as the crash having been caused by Lucy's cocaine habit. Then there was the mention of Lucy's Devon friend, who was "heavily into it" - could this have been the briefly-mentioned Leanne, about whom Lucy castigated Peter upon his return?
Then there was Lucy's habit, itself - or as Pathetic Peter the Posh Petulant Prick (who was doing his damnedest to sound common tonight) put it ...
She took it in the morning, before meetings, at family meals.
Hel-looooooooooooooooooooooo?
Lucy had to be one of the most lackadaisical character ever to appear in the soap. The way she amblingly loped across the square, languidly crossing one long leg over and in front of the other, catwalk style, shoulders drooped back, chin lowered and pelvis thrust forward, was the epitome of slow deliberation.
Cocaine is a stimulant. Why wasn't Lucy constantly wired, if her usage of the drug was on a daily basis? Why didn't she have a red, runny, congested nose? Why wasn't she inattentive at work? Janine was no slouch. She'd have noticed something was amiss. She showed absolutely no signs or symptoms of drug use, whatsoever.
Then there's the sudden transformation of Peter, from responsible all-around nice guy to a drippy, condescending, class A prat of an arsehole. Blaming Ian's breakdown for Lucy's return to drug use? Pardon me for remembering, but Lucy was so strapped for cash when Ian went walkabout that she was lucky to have a pot to piss in, much less money for Charlie (and I don't mean Cotton ... but then, again, maybe I do - who knows?). She sold Bobby's toys and games to pay the bills, not the shills. But I guess that's changed now too. However, it's more than a bit rich for Peter to blame Ian for Lucy's problems again, as if Ian planned on having a mental breakdown - even more horrible and disturbing for this pratty little piece of posh shit to suggest that Ian would have called the police about Lucy, had he heard of her drugs' problem.
I'm no fan of Ian Beale, but I know his character a damned sight better than Peter does, and certainly better than Jesse O'Mahoney does. The last thing Ian Beale would ever have done is shop his daughter to the Old Bill. He'd have locked her down to go cold turkey, even paid for rehab, but there is no way in hell he'd have called the police. And, sorry, Ian was such a horrible parent that Lucy felt she had to retreat to cocaine, a stimulant? Really? When a person was that edged by a life situation, you seek to mellow out. I'd have thought cannabis would have been more the drug to which Lucy turned.
Then there's Peter's curiously arrogant assertion that he bought drugs for Lucy in order to "control" her addiction. You what? It seemed that the very idea of "controlling" Lucy's addiction was for Lucy to demand that Peter buy her drugs and for him to do so, even having the pushers deliver the stuff to the Beale house. If I recall correctly, when Peter returned from Devon, he was quite critical of Lucy and her treatment of Ian, even upbraiding her for the way she spoke to him; yet shortly after all of that, even when he was living with Lola, he was buying drugs for her? Did he have the pushers deliver it to Billy's flat, with Lexi there? Peter wasn't controlling Lucy's habit at all. What he was doing was what everyone did for Lucy - when she said "jump," they would ask "how high." And didn't Lucy plant drugs on Mandy in order to bring her into disrepute with Ian?
The effort to present Ian as a clueless parent went further when Peter purported to know about Leave-It-to-Beaver-Bobby's bullying in Birminham - how alliterative was that? So Peter was in constant contact with Bobby that Bobby told him all about it, and Peter never once thought to clue Ian in? Even worse was yet another example of Jane's totally abysmal parenting skills. Bobby was being name-called and intimidated at school to a serious extent, and she didn't tell Ian? More to the point, she offered the pathetically weak excuse, using that same sad-eyed "don't-blame-me" face she always uses, that she didn't want to worry Ian.
Ian is the child's father. He has a right to know when the child is being tormented to the point that he doesn't feel safe at school, and all Jane can do is lie to him and withhold the truth, whilst Peter gets physically obnoxious, physically poking and prodding Ian, getting in his face and accusing him of the worst kind of shouting and intimidating behaviour with his children. Sorry, but the only obnoxious arsehole I'm seeing here is Peter.
Ian isn't a perfect man - by no means; and he's certainly a bad parent. Ian spoiled all of his children, lavishing them with money and state-of-the-art toys and gadgets, if only to buy him a peaceful life and a fleeting promise of his children's good behaviour. He was more concerned, at times, with finding a woman to share his bed and mother him, never mind his children. But Ian loved his children, and - like Phil - he put his children and their welfare before the importance of any of his wives - especially after that disastrous lie he told about Lucy's faux cancer in order to get Mel onside romantically.
Ian allowed Lucy to take the lead in protecting Steven, even allowing him into their home, after his having shot Jane. He fully supported Lucy in her assertion that she was too young to have a child, and in doing so, he lied to Jane. That's right. Ian chose his children over Jane. What was particularly disgusting and ugly was the way Peter treated Ian, manhandling and shouting at him, driving Ian to tears and then demanding that he shut up, calling him all manner of names for expressing such a troubling emotion.
Who is this shit? And has he forgotten that Ian had a significant mental breakdown, something he didn't choose to happen, and when he returned to the Square, couldn't even live in his own home without being tricked into signing over his assets to Lucy, who ran rampant with Joey Branning. The nervous affectations commonly associated with his breakdown - the scratching of his arm and his shuffling gait - are back, not that Peter would notice, because when he wasn't wafting off to New Zealand, he was off around the Brannings sucking the gurn off Lauren's face.
Finally, there's the wonderful sylph that is Cindy - a misfit horned in through her own volition into the Beale dynamic. In fact, it's Cindy who calls the shots in the household, and - just as Peter (and Ian) enabled Lucy's behaviour, Ian and now Jane enable Cindy's arrogance. She accuses Ian of speaking to her as if she's a servant? Pardon me, but it wasn't Ian who slammed the babycom down on the shelf on Tuesday night and ordered Ian and Jane to mind her kid whilst she went to the shops.
Peter can dish the shit out, but he simply cannot take it - like the coward he is. After everything he said to Ian, all he wanted was for Daddy to forget everything he said, show up at the Brannings and act as if nothing had happened. But Ian's inner Pauline and Lou surfaced. In Ian's mind, Peter's behaviour was sneaky, undermining and could very well have been the underlying and indirect cause of Lucy's death. Even more arrogant was Peter's casual assumption that he'd have this row with his dad, and he could just return home as if nothing had happened, and I used to cringe at Ian Beale allowing these deadbeats to live under his roof. Not only Peter, but also Jane, begged Ian not to say anything at the bum-clinchingly awful public proposal, but I'm glad Ian did.
The last scene was a corker. Ian's manned up and who's crying now? Peter the Prick. And here's the irony - the twins were always bigged up, one way or another, because they carried the Cindy gene. Remember back in April when Bobby told Ian he still had him, Ian replied that Bobby wasn't Lucy, meaning he didn't have the Cindy gene? Well, now both the CindyKids have turned out rotten to the core, and plain little Laura's son is now the focal point of Ian's world, for better or for worse - probably worse.
Oh, Ian, while you're busy casting out the Cindies, cast out the other one who's filched herself into your domain.
The Truly Dreadful Brannings. To everything, gurn, gurn, gurn ... There is a reason that I gurn. And gurn she did. Who was the worst - Lauren, trying to act mature now that she's got a proposal under her belt (actually, what she had was a poorly concealed baby bump) or the atrocious Abi?
Absolute line of the night goes to Max Branning:-
Abi, you ain't goin' out wiv no gay, convicted murderer!
Wow! Ya think?
Leave it to Dummerhayes to let the cat out of the bag by saying that Lauren's boyfriend was, at least, better than Abi's, and then disclosed she'd been seeing Ben. Arguably, the most surreal scene of the night was Max's intrusion into Mitchell territory, with some unintentionally hilarious dialogue.
Phil: Whaddayou got against Ben seein' Abi?
Max: Well, 'e's gay, for a start.
Phil: 'E ain't gay no more.
Max: Oh, and that's the way it works, is it?
All of that played out against Jay's increasingly astounded looks of disbelief. Phil's so desperate for the Mitchell heir to be hetero, that he's deluded himself into believing that "prison straightened Ben out" (Ben's words, which were also unintentionally hilarious). It was rather sadly poignant that Phil's clutching at straws so much that he remarks how nice it is that he and Ben can talk like this again. I wonder where Sharon and Denny were in all of this? She was obviously at The Albert, but Denny should have been there with his stepfather at least.
Phil's desperation to believe Ben's homosexuality was a phase is poignant and sad, but Abi's is just willful ignorance and pride. She honestly reckons that Ben's not gay because she thinks he fancies her? Honey, scores of gay people start out adult life married to someone of the opposite sex. Some even have children. Abi needs to get out more, and she seriously needs her arse smacked. She thought she was being clever cluing Dummerhayes in on Max's propensity for serial adultery, claiming that all Max wants was someone to show him a little affection and promising to be there with a broad smile on her face when Max cheats on Dummerhayes.
Abi needs to what what she says, because karma has a way of biting your arse, and Abi's is a prize target. Just wait until Ben dumps her because ... well, because he's gay.
Here's the fleeting bit ... Lee's seen someone who was someplace they shouldn't have been on the night Lucy was killed. I thought, from the blurbs, this would turn out to be Whitney, but it appeared to be Lauren, and it concerned Lee that Lauren had said she was someplace when she didn't appear to be where she said she was. She was going into the Beale house. Why? I just watched that clip again, and Lee's perturbed, but gets interrupted. This is going to be interesting. Does this bring Lauren into the frame? Maybe one of her windmill arms not only clipped Lucy on the back of the head but propelled her all the way to Walford Common. Or maybe Lucy was frightened by the screechy voice and the gurning?
Max thinks Peter is a good kid? Someone who would provide an addict with the stuff to which she's addicted? Has he forgotten that his daughter is also an addict? Think twice, Max; besides, you'd only end up supporting the pair of deadbeats.
Speaking of deadbeats ...
Sorry Sonia. Sonia embezzled the charity money to fly to Bulgaria for gastric band surgery. As you do. Do I care? She's spent almost a year trash-mouthing Martin, and she thinks he hasn't touched her because she's fat? No, Sonia. He hasn't touched you because you probably treat and speak to him like shit. And he's fed up with being called names by a stranger screeching down your phone.
Tina the Court Jester promises to fix Sonia's debt, for which she's scathed over poor Pam, and also to fix Martin. I wouldn't trust Tina to fix a cup of tea. Sonia's father-in-law went to prison for doing much the same as Sonia did, minus the gastric band surgery. Sonia needs to go to prison too. And, Sonia, when you go to a foreign country, the signs aren't in English.
We also have two adolescent girls who need to be smacked, not once, not twice but literally bounced around the Square.
When the most interesting character in an episode turns out to be Max Branning, a formerly nuanced character turned into an actual foot-dragging caricature, something's not firing on all cylinders.
Still, there's always Leave It to Beaver Bobby ..
The Truly Awful Beales. They're like a horror show, aren't they? They're truly so bad, that you can't help rubbernecking in horror at what a dysfunctional, co-dependent set-up they are. Pathetic Ian, clueless Jane, tarting themselves up as caring, sharing parents, preening about bringing their children up so properly when, in the classic words of Sonia, they can't even bring up phlegm.
By the way, what happened to that declaration that parents wouldn't be seen through the eyes of their children? There was plenty of that perception tonight.
Firstly, let's get something straight about dear, departed Lucy - or should I say dire, deceitful Lucy? Are they doing a post-mortem whitewash of her character? Because I can't ever remember Lucy being a nice person. From early adolescence, she caused Ian (and Jane) nothing but grief. As for Jane, she and Christian. both of whom had never been parents, consistently ridiculed Ian's attempts at seriously parenting his children and undermined him, Christian, openly encouraging Lucy to backchat Ian and go against the grain.
The entire home truth scene in the Beale abode infuriated me, because of the way things were twisted against what actually happened in real time in recent years. Clever of DTC to tie in one of Adam Woodyatt's panto breaks in the past (the excuse given was that Ian had to rush to Devon because the twins had been in a car crash) as the crash having been caused by Lucy's cocaine habit. Then there was the mention of Lucy's Devon friend, who was "heavily into it" - could this have been the briefly-mentioned Leanne, about whom Lucy castigated Peter upon his return?
Then there was Lucy's habit, itself - or as Pathetic Peter the Posh Petulant Prick (who was doing his damnedest to sound common tonight) put it ...
She took it in the morning, before meetings, at family meals.
Hel-looooooooooooooooooooooo?
Lucy had to be one of the most lackadaisical character ever to appear in the soap. The way she amblingly loped across the square, languidly crossing one long leg over and in front of the other, catwalk style, shoulders drooped back, chin lowered and pelvis thrust forward, was the epitome of slow deliberation.
Cocaine is a stimulant. Why wasn't Lucy constantly wired, if her usage of the drug was on a daily basis? Why didn't she have a red, runny, congested nose? Why wasn't she inattentive at work? Janine was no slouch. She'd have noticed something was amiss. She showed absolutely no signs or symptoms of drug use, whatsoever.
Then there's the sudden transformation of Peter, from responsible all-around nice guy to a drippy, condescending, class A prat of an arsehole. Blaming Ian's breakdown for Lucy's return to drug use? Pardon me for remembering, but Lucy was so strapped for cash when Ian went walkabout that she was lucky to have a pot to piss in, much less money for Charlie (and I don't mean Cotton ... but then, again, maybe I do - who knows?). She sold Bobby's toys and games to pay the bills, not the shills. But I guess that's changed now too. However, it's more than a bit rich for Peter to blame Ian for Lucy's problems again, as if Ian planned on having a mental breakdown - even more horrible and disturbing for this pratty little piece of posh shit to suggest that Ian would have called the police about Lucy, had he heard of her drugs' problem.
I'm no fan of Ian Beale, but I know his character a damned sight better than Peter does, and certainly better than Jesse O'Mahoney does. The last thing Ian Beale would ever have done is shop his daughter to the Old Bill. He'd have locked her down to go cold turkey, even paid for rehab, but there is no way in hell he'd have called the police. And, sorry, Ian was such a horrible parent that Lucy felt she had to retreat to cocaine, a stimulant? Really? When a person was that edged by a life situation, you seek to mellow out. I'd have thought cannabis would have been more the drug to which Lucy turned.
Then there's Peter's curiously arrogant assertion that he bought drugs for Lucy in order to "control" her addiction. You what? It seemed that the very idea of "controlling" Lucy's addiction was for Lucy to demand that Peter buy her drugs and for him to do so, even having the pushers deliver the stuff to the Beale house. If I recall correctly, when Peter returned from Devon, he was quite critical of Lucy and her treatment of Ian, even upbraiding her for the way she spoke to him; yet shortly after all of that, even when he was living with Lola, he was buying drugs for her? Did he have the pushers deliver it to Billy's flat, with Lexi there? Peter wasn't controlling Lucy's habit at all. What he was doing was what everyone did for Lucy - when she said "jump," they would ask "how high." And didn't Lucy plant drugs on Mandy in order to bring her into disrepute with Ian?
The effort to present Ian as a clueless parent went further when Peter purported to know about Leave-It-to-Beaver-Bobby's bullying in Birminham - how alliterative was that? So Peter was in constant contact with Bobby that Bobby told him all about it, and Peter never once thought to clue Ian in? Even worse was yet another example of Jane's totally abysmal parenting skills. Bobby was being name-called and intimidated at school to a serious extent, and she didn't tell Ian? More to the point, she offered the pathetically weak excuse, using that same sad-eyed "don't-blame-me" face she always uses, that she didn't want to worry Ian.
Ian is the child's father. He has a right to know when the child is being tormented to the point that he doesn't feel safe at school, and all Jane can do is lie to him and withhold the truth, whilst Peter gets physically obnoxious, physically poking and prodding Ian, getting in his face and accusing him of the worst kind of shouting and intimidating behaviour with his children. Sorry, but the only obnoxious arsehole I'm seeing here is Peter.
Ian isn't a perfect man - by no means; and he's certainly a bad parent. Ian spoiled all of his children, lavishing them with money and state-of-the-art toys and gadgets, if only to buy him a peaceful life and a fleeting promise of his children's good behaviour. He was more concerned, at times, with finding a woman to share his bed and mother him, never mind his children. But Ian loved his children, and - like Phil - he put his children and their welfare before the importance of any of his wives - especially after that disastrous lie he told about Lucy's faux cancer in order to get Mel onside romantically.
Ian allowed Lucy to take the lead in protecting Steven, even allowing him into their home, after his having shot Jane. He fully supported Lucy in her assertion that she was too young to have a child, and in doing so, he lied to Jane. That's right. Ian chose his children over Jane. What was particularly disgusting and ugly was the way Peter treated Ian, manhandling and shouting at him, driving Ian to tears and then demanding that he shut up, calling him all manner of names for expressing such a troubling emotion.
Who is this shit? And has he forgotten that Ian had a significant mental breakdown, something he didn't choose to happen, and when he returned to the Square, couldn't even live in his own home without being tricked into signing over his assets to Lucy, who ran rampant with Joey Branning. The nervous affectations commonly associated with his breakdown - the scratching of his arm and his shuffling gait - are back, not that Peter would notice, because when he wasn't wafting off to New Zealand, he was off around the Brannings sucking the gurn off Lauren's face.
Finally, there's the wonderful sylph that is Cindy - a misfit horned in through her own volition into the Beale dynamic. In fact, it's Cindy who calls the shots in the household, and - just as Peter (and Ian) enabled Lucy's behaviour, Ian and now Jane enable Cindy's arrogance. She accuses Ian of speaking to her as if she's a servant? Pardon me, but it wasn't Ian who slammed the babycom down on the shelf on Tuesday night and ordered Ian and Jane to mind her kid whilst she went to the shops.
Peter can dish the shit out, but he simply cannot take it - like the coward he is. After everything he said to Ian, all he wanted was for Daddy to forget everything he said, show up at the Brannings and act as if nothing had happened. But Ian's inner Pauline and Lou surfaced. In Ian's mind, Peter's behaviour was sneaky, undermining and could very well have been the underlying and indirect cause of Lucy's death. Even more arrogant was Peter's casual assumption that he'd have this row with his dad, and he could just return home as if nothing had happened, and I used to cringe at Ian Beale allowing these deadbeats to live under his roof. Not only Peter, but also Jane, begged Ian not to say anything at the bum-clinchingly awful public proposal, but I'm glad Ian did.
The last scene was a corker. Ian's manned up and who's crying now? Peter the Prick. And here's the irony - the twins were always bigged up, one way or another, because they carried the Cindy gene. Remember back in April when Bobby told Ian he still had him, Ian replied that Bobby wasn't Lucy, meaning he didn't have the Cindy gene? Well, now both the CindyKids have turned out rotten to the core, and plain little Laura's son is now the focal point of Ian's world, for better or for worse - probably worse.
Oh, Ian, while you're busy casting out the Cindies, cast out the other one who's filched herself into your domain.
The Truly Dreadful Brannings. To everything, gurn, gurn, gurn ... There is a reason that I gurn. And gurn she did. Who was the worst - Lauren, trying to act mature now that she's got a proposal under her belt (actually, what she had was a poorly concealed baby bump) or the atrocious Abi?
Absolute line of the night goes to Max Branning:-
Abi, you ain't goin' out wiv no gay, convicted murderer!
Wow! Ya think?
Leave it to Dummerhayes to let the cat out of the bag by saying that Lauren's boyfriend was, at least, better than Abi's, and then disclosed she'd been seeing Ben. Arguably, the most surreal scene of the night was Max's intrusion into Mitchell territory, with some unintentionally hilarious dialogue.
Phil: Whaddayou got against Ben seein' Abi?
Max: Well, 'e's gay, for a start.
Phil: 'E ain't gay no more.
Max: Oh, and that's the way it works, is it?
All of that played out against Jay's increasingly astounded looks of disbelief. Phil's so desperate for the Mitchell heir to be hetero, that he's deluded himself into believing that "prison straightened Ben out" (Ben's words, which were also unintentionally hilarious). It was rather sadly poignant that Phil's clutching at straws so much that he remarks how nice it is that he and Ben can talk like this again. I wonder where Sharon and Denny were in all of this? She was obviously at The Albert, but Denny should have been there with his stepfather at least.
Phil's desperation to believe Ben's homosexuality was a phase is poignant and sad, but Abi's is just willful ignorance and pride. She honestly reckons that Ben's not gay because she thinks he fancies her? Honey, scores of gay people start out adult life married to someone of the opposite sex. Some even have children. Abi needs to get out more, and she seriously needs her arse smacked. She thought she was being clever cluing Dummerhayes in on Max's propensity for serial adultery, claiming that all Max wants was someone to show him a little affection and promising to be there with a broad smile on her face when Max cheats on Dummerhayes.
Abi needs to what what she says, because karma has a way of biting your arse, and Abi's is a prize target. Just wait until Ben dumps her because ... well, because he's gay.
Here's the fleeting bit ... Lee's seen someone who was someplace they shouldn't have been on the night Lucy was killed. I thought, from the blurbs, this would turn out to be Whitney, but it appeared to be Lauren, and it concerned Lee that Lauren had said she was someplace when she didn't appear to be where she said she was. She was going into the Beale house. Why? I just watched that clip again, and Lee's perturbed, but gets interrupted. This is going to be interesting. Does this bring Lauren into the frame? Maybe one of her windmill arms not only clipped Lucy on the back of the head but propelled her all the way to Walford Common. Or maybe Lucy was frightened by the screechy voice and the gurning?
Max thinks Peter is a good kid? Someone who would provide an addict with the stuff to which she's addicted? Has he forgotten that his daughter is also an addict? Think twice, Max; besides, you'd only end up supporting the pair of deadbeats.
Speaking of deadbeats ...
Sorry Sonia. Sonia embezzled the charity money to fly to Bulgaria for gastric band surgery. As you do. Do I care? She's spent almost a year trash-mouthing Martin, and she thinks he hasn't touched her because she's fat? No, Sonia. He hasn't touched you because you probably treat and speak to him like shit. And he's fed up with being called names by a stranger screeching down your phone.
Tina the Court Jester promises to fix Sonia's debt, for which she's scathed over poor Pam, and also to fix Martin. I wouldn't trust Tina to fix a cup of tea. Sonia's father-in-law went to prison for doing much the same as Sonia did, minus the gastric band surgery. Sonia needs to go to prison too. And, Sonia, when you go to a foreign country, the signs aren't in English.
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