I've heard of the lull before a storm, but this week has been on a hiding to nothing. This was filler of the quality of egg-and-mayo, and it was an exercise in drawing attention to the singular phenomenon known as The Weak Men of Walford.
The Weak Men of Walford are usually in thrall to a woman who thinks she's the strong one, and usually proclaims as much from the rafters; oft as not, a Weak Man of Walford will openly tell her how strong she is and how weak he is, but she's really as weak-willed as he is. Because the Gobshite Female variety has terminal man dependency. If she ain't got that third leg in her life, life just isn't worth living.
Walford is a welter of co-dependency steeped in passive aggressive bullying.
Tonight, one of three of the only strong male characters in Walford left. Of the two left behind, both are septuagenarians, one is dying and the other confined to a wheelchair as a result of a stroke. The one who left is only nineteen.
The Only Adult in the Room.
This is true. Johnny Carter is the only adult in the whole shabang of a family consisting of people thrashing through various stages of childhood arrested development. Kids, trapped in the bodies of adults, children who started having sex when they were children, thinking that pregnancy and breeding proved adulthood, when all it proved was that this was an advanced form of playing house, with the real household head being the one true parent of the lot and acting as such.
Children begat children and sought to keep the offspring in a terminal state of childlike innocence, so that even as they grew and physically matured, they still bore the aura of unspoiled and innocent childhood.
Lee may have been in the army and in Afghanistan - and is he still a serving soldier? -but he's still very much the temper-tantrum boy who goes through girls like a whirling dervish. He's supposedly Whitney's boyfriend, but blink and you'd miss it. You seldom see them together, and whilst Whitney is away, Lee's more at home with Fatboy, one of her many exes.
Then there's Nancy, who's twenty-one (again) and who acts, a lot of the time, as if she's twelve years old, with a little girl sing-song voice and all. It's no wonder Tina's been the eternal five year-old forever.
But not Johnny. Maybe it's because he's in the process of getting an education, but he's decided he wanted to do something and he's going to do it. This started a couple of weeks ago, when he determined to get a scooter and stood up to the parental opposition.
Now, he's leaving to take a year off and travel with his boyfriend Gianluca.
(Here's the silly part, and, really, Lauren Klee and DTC should really have done their homework: Johnny is leaving for Italy on the 23rd of December to spend Christmas with Gianluca's "massive family". Christmas Day is two days away. It's December.
Johnny's travelling all the way to Italy on a Lambretta scooter, clad only in a denim jacket, an open-faced helmet, jeans and carrying a backpack.
Really? Really? In December? On a Lambretta?
OK, ride a Lambretta in the streets of Rome or Bologna or even Napoli in December ... that's believeable; but travelling across France, on their motorway systems, in December, when it's cold, when whatever rain there is might turn to snow as you approach the Rhones-Alpes region, when there's sure to be snow at either the Monte Bianco or Fréjus Tunnels, through one of which you have to travel in order to arrive in Italy, and there's no way he's going to get to Italy by Christmas Day, if at all.
That farewell scene reminded me of the silly homecoming scenes in American soap operas during the Seventies - when someone would return from four years of university with one small suitcase.
If Johnny were heading off to Italy on his bike, it should have been a 1000 cc tourer, and he should have been suited up in thermals and leather. Not in denim and on a Lambretta, a machine designed for the streets of a city, not the motorways of Europe and not for travelling in the dead of winter.
Johnny's reason for leaving is to make room in the Carter Inn for the new arrival. He's gone from being the Sausage to being the Sacrificial Lamb.
The most unusual scene of all with Johnny was the one he shared with Nancy.
The Sibling-Friend is a concept introduced by John Yorke and concerning the Slater sisters, who pervaded all parts of Square Life, without ever integrating into other dynamics or making friends with others outside their family dynamic. The Fox sisters (Libby and Chelsea) continued this meme, and the Mitchell sisters made it an art.
I get it that Nancy and Johnny are close, but how sad is it that a 21 year-old girl, who's never worked outside her home or away from her family in her entire life, has no friends. Even her so-called engagement and attempted marriage to Wayne in the matching chav tracksuit was one of a spoiled child stamping her foot to have her way, a cry for attention from Daddy, who strode in, hoisted her over his shoulder and took her away. The fact that Nancy can't bear the thought of her sibling breaking free of the family mould and fleeing is a testament of how her character has been repressed in a child-like state, utterly dependent, at twenty-one, on her parents for sustenance. Yes, I get it that Nancy has epilepsy, but people in the highest echelons of power and commerce suffer from this condition and lead normal lives. That Nancy is so dependent on Johnny (and using the whine of having to babysit) is evident of her obvious immaturity, however much she might kiss, cuddle and frolick with Dexter.
I get the impression that Sam Strike's departure was rushed and ill-conceived. That's odd, because surely TPTB would have been aware that Strike hadn't intended to renew his contract some months ago. From his interview, I gather the EP isn't best pleased with Strike, and if this low-key exit is a form of petty punishment in writing off the character, it sucks. The door's been left opened, yes, and they aren't going to re-cast, and whilst on the one hand that might be an indication of warm renewal, it also reeks a little bit of "we-hope-you-fail-and-come-crawling-back" more than necessary.
Good luck, Johnny. I hope you make Italy on time for Christmas.
Consellor Squatter.
Before I get into the praise for Lacey Turner and Kellie Bright, let me indulge in a moment of suspension of reality here.
Yes, I know that Dean is a rapist and that Stacey should leave him, but Stacey kicks Dean out of his own flat? Seriously? Not only that, but she quits her job.
O-kaaay ... that means Stacey, her child, Kat the Bitch and her children are living in Dean's flat and now living off the meagre prospects of Kat's stall. Stacey is now unemployed, Kat's earnings are sporadic. Kat's now gone from squatting with Alfie to squatting with Stacey.
Does this make sense?
You wouldn't want to see two single women and their kids homeless on Christmas Day? Stacey asks Dean after she's inexplicably dumped him - well, inexplicable to Dean.
Well, yes, Stacey, in a word, he would, because Dean is not a very nice person, and Dean doesn't take rejection easily. So, expect a call to the police and another eviction sometime in the very near future.
Stacey is now officially homeless and squatting (hoping that Dean keeps the rent up and looks the other way) and jobless, without a pot in which to piss.
Actually, she should have told him why she was doing the dumping, because Dean is clearly deluded, judging by his conversation with Linda - either that (meaning he genuinely believes their sex to have been consensual) or he's still trying to manipulate her into thinking that she'd done something to encourage his behaviour.
Once again, the scene between Stacey and Linda in the park was probably the highlight of another mediocre episode. This is not only solid advice for Linda - really, she has to tell Mick - but it fleshes out the dilemma Stacey went through the last time, although at the time of her rape, she was no longer married to Bradley and didn't tell Bradley until they had got back together and she found she was three months pregnant. No one - not Jean, not Charlie, and certainly not Bradley - had any idea Stacey had been raped. (Pssst ... not even Lacey Turner and Larry Lamb knew either, but that's beside the point).
So now we know that Mick is as violent as Shirley can be. Violence has a strong toehold in the Carter family, and they also seem to be able to wiggle their way out of being reported for the crimes they've committed. Mick damned near kills a man for pawing Linda, and Linda manages to talk the victim out of pressing charges. Shirley shoots Phil and Mick manages to talk Sharon and Phil out of pressing charges.
See the pattern?
Dean's little bombshell is the least important of the Carter secrets to be aired, but it's a warning shot to Linda of just what Dean is capable of doing. Linda is pregnant, and she told Stacey that she isn't sure whose baby she's carrying. She'll never be sure, and this is the gist of what she was asking Stacey. Stacey thought she was pregnant as a result of Archie raping her, until she found out from Ronnie that Archie was sterile as a result of chemotherapy. but even when he thought the baby was Archie's, Bradley took on the responsibilty of the child. Linda, without telling Mick, would be forever reminded about what happened whenever she looked at her child. Telling Mick is a bigger risk, not only because of what he might do to Dean, but how he might react to a child which may or may not be his.
Same Shit Different Day.
Summerhayes now takes her place in the pantheon where Tanya, Vanessa and Kirsty dwell - yet another woman who promises herself that she's not going to be in thrall to anything Max Branning promises, but who ends up sharing a kiss and believing the lies he tells.
You're strong, Em. I mean ... look at me. I'm weak. I'd never be able to do the job you do ...
How the hell many times have we heard that one before?
I never meant to do that to ya, Tan. You're the strong one here, you're holding this family together.
Cue Tanya/Vanessa/Kirsty/Summerhayes to hesitate slightly, as if knowing they shouldn't respond the way he wanted, before ... they respond the way he wanted.
This will never end happily.
Of course, it won't, Summerhayes, and Tanya, Vanessa and Kirsty have said those exact same words, before they kissed Max and climbed into bed with him.
Hasn't Summerhayes lost her job? So, by showing Lauren the video, what did she hope to achieve? Some sort of confession? Lauren told her she sought Lucy out that night because she was tempted to drink at the party, but hadn't Lucy left by then? Or wasn't she in the midst of quarrelling with Ian? And why is Lauren so shirty about talking to the police if she has nothing to hide (except her ever-increasing baby bump)?
It's evident from the trailer that Summerhayes has the mobile number and knows the person whom she accuses of killing Lucy. That would include the Beales (Ian and Peter), Max, Abi and Lauren ... and Cameron Bryant. Just saying.
More than anything, however, this vignette showed Max at his most passive-aggressive, giving her the Geico Gecko sad-eyed look that tells her he knows he's been a naughty boy. He tells her he misses her, even though she's been gone only a day, and then he bigs up her faltering ego by telling her how strong she is, compared to how weak he is. Max gets women this way all the time, basically because the women he attracts all have self-esteem issues and massive egos waiting to burst forth.
For the first time tonight, as dumb as she is, I actually liked and felt sorry for Summerhayes.
Under the Christmas Mistletoe.
The Masood men, freed from the yoke of Zainab, want a Christmas tree. As you do in the Muslim faith, except Big Bad Shabnam refuses to comply. Kush the Lad has a bet to score twice over - against Fatboy and the smell AKA Dexter - that he can kiss Shabnam properly before the day is out, and against Mas and Tamwar that he can make Shabnam smile regarding one Christmas tradition in order to secure the tree.
Shabnam, ex-pole dancer and secret partier, has prematurely aged into a stick-in-the-mud. This was a silly storyline leading to a predictable conclusion. Shabnam failed to be impressed by Christmas crackers, paper hats and children singing Away in a Manger, but really liked ... I mean really, really, lick-your-lips liked Kush's kiss under the mistletoe.
An assinine, anodyne storyline which everyone predicted would happen as soon as Kush laid eyes on Shabnam and she started bickering with him, which emphasised, yet again - how many more times? - how childlike and feckless the male characters are (Tamwar and Masood), in thrall to the stern mummy figure, who only needs the kiss of a goodhunk man to make her see the error of her ways and awaken her latent man-dependency.
And Kush? Well, this time next year, Shabnam will be leading him around Walford on one of Lady Di's pink leads.
Horniness. Ian's horny, but he gets nowhere until Mrs Moral Conscience decides that she's horny too, after listening to Kush extol his Adventures in ShabnamLand.
And on the sofa in the front room as well.
Same old same old.
The Weak Men of Walford are usually in thrall to a woman who thinks she's the strong one, and usually proclaims as much from the rafters; oft as not, a Weak Man of Walford will openly tell her how strong she is and how weak he is, but she's really as weak-willed as he is. Because the Gobshite Female variety has terminal man dependency. If she ain't got that third leg in her life, life just isn't worth living.
Walford is a welter of co-dependency steeped in passive aggressive bullying.
Tonight, one of three of the only strong male characters in Walford left. Of the two left behind, both are septuagenarians, one is dying and the other confined to a wheelchair as a result of a stroke. The one who left is only nineteen.
The Only Adult in the Room.
This is true. Johnny Carter is the only adult in the whole shabang of a family consisting of people thrashing through various stages of childhood arrested development. Kids, trapped in the bodies of adults, children who started having sex when they were children, thinking that pregnancy and breeding proved adulthood, when all it proved was that this was an advanced form of playing house, with the real household head being the one true parent of the lot and acting as such.
Children begat children and sought to keep the offspring in a terminal state of childlike innocence, so that even as they grew and physically matured, they still bore the aura of unspoiled and innocent childhood.
Lee may have been in the army and in Afghanistan - and is he still a serving soldier? -but he's still very much the temper-tantrum boy who goes through girls like a whirling dervish. He's supposedly Whitney's boyfriend, but blink and you'd miss it. You seldom see them together, and whilst Whitney is away, Lee's more at home with Fatboy, one of her many exes.
Then there's Nancy, who's twenty-one (again) and who acts, a lot of the time, as if she's twelve years old, with a little girl sing-song voice and all. It's no wonder Tina's been the eternal five year-old forever.
But not Johnny. Maybe it's because he's in the process of getting an education, but he's decided he wanted to do something and he's going to do it. This started a couple of weeks ago, when he determined to get a scooter and stood up to the parental opposition.
Now, he's leaving to take a year off and travel with his boyfriend Gianluca.
(Here's the silly part, and, really, Lauren Klee and DTC should really have done their homework: Johnny is leaving for Italy on the 23rd of December to spend Christmas with Gianluca's "massive family". Christmas Day is two days away. It's December.
Johnny's travelling all the way to Italy on a Lambretta scooter, clad only in a denim jacket, an open-faced helmet, jeans and carrying a backpack.
Really? Really? In December? On a Lambretta?
OK, ride a Lambretta in the streets of Rome or Bologna or even Napoli in December ... that's believeable; but travelling across France, on their motorway systems, in December, when it's cold, when whatever rain there is might turn to snow as you approach the Rhones-Alpes region, when there's sure to be snow at either the Monte Bianco or Fréjus Tunnels, through one of which you have to travel in order to arrive in Italy, and there's no way he's going to get to Italy by Christmas Day, if at all.
That farewell scene reminded me of the silly homecoming scenes in American soap operas during the Seventies - when someone would return from four years of university with one small suitcase.
If Johnny were heading off to Italy on his bike, it should have been a 1000 cc tourer, and he should have been suited up in thermals and leather. Not in denim and on a Lambretta, a machine designed for the streets of a city, not the motorways of Europe and not for travelling in the dead of winter.
Johnny's reason for leaving is to make room in the Carter Inn for the new arrival. He's gone from being the Sausage to being the Sacrificial Lamb.
The most unusual scene of all with Johnny was the one he shared with Nancy.
The Sibling-Friend is a concept introduced by John Yorke and concerning the Slater sisters, who pervaded all parts of Square Life, without ever integrating into other dynamics or making friends with others outside their family dynamic. The Fox sisters (Libby and Chelsea) continued this meme, and the Mitchell sisters made it an art.
I get it that Nancy and Johnny are close, but how sad is it that a 21 year-old girl, who's never worked outside her home or away from her family in her entire life, has no friends. Even her so-called engagement and attempted marriage to Wayne in the matching chav tracksuit was one of a spoiled child stamping her foot to have her way, a cry for attention from Daddy, who strode in, hoisted her over his shoulder and took her away. The fact that Nancy can't bear the thought of her sibling breaking free of the family mould and fleeing is a testament of how her character has been repressed in a child-like state, utterly dependent, at twenty-one, on her parents for sustenance. Yes, I get it that Nancy has epilepsy, but people in the highest echelons of power and commerce suffer from this condition and lead normal lives. That Nancy is so dependent on Johnny (and using the whine of having to babysit) is evident of her obvious immaturity, however much she might kiss, cuddle and frolick with Dexter.
I get the impression that Sam Strike's departure was rushed and ill-conceived. That's odd, because surely TPTB would have been aware that Strike hadn't intended to renew his contract some months ago. From his interview, I gather the EP isn't best pleased with Strike, and if this low-key exit is a form of petty punishment in writing off the character, it sucks. The door's been left opened, yes, and they aren't going to re-cast, and whilst on the one hand that might be an indication of warm renewal, it also reeks a little bit of "we-hope-you-fail-and-come-crawling-back" more than necessary.
Good luck, Johnny. I hope you make Italy on time for Christmas.
Consellor Squatter.
Before I get into the praise for Lacey Turner and Kellie Bright, let me indulge in a moment of suspension of reality here.
Yes, I know that Dean is a rapist and that Stacey should leave him, but Stacey kicks Dean out of his own flat? Seriously? Not only that, but she quits her job.
O-kaaay ... that means Stacey, her child, Kat the Bitch and her children are living in Dean's flat and now living off the meagre prospects of Kat's stall. Stacey is now unemployed, Kat's earnings are sporadic. Kat's now gone from squatting with Alfie to squatting with Stacey.
Does this make sense?
You wouldn't want to see two single women and their kids homeless on Christmas Day? Stacey asks Dean after she's inexplicably dumped him - well, inexplicable to Dean.
Well, yes, Stacey, in a word, he would, because Dean is not a very nice person, and Dean doesn't take rejection easily. So, expect a call to the police and another eviction sometime in the very near future.
Stacey is now officially homeless and squatting (hoping that Dean keeps the rent up and looks the other way) and jobless, without a pot in which to piss.
Actually, she should have told him why she was doing the dumping, because Dean is clearly deluded, judging by his conversation with Linda - either that (meaning he genuinely believes their sex to have been consensual) or he's still trying to manipulate her into thinking that she'd done something to encourage his behaviour.
Once again, the scene between Stacey and Linda in the park was probably the highlight of another mediocre episode. This is not only solid advice for Linda - really, she has to tell Mick - but it fleshes out the dilemma Stacey went through the last time, although at the time of her rape, she was no longer married to Bradley and didn't tell Bradley until they had got back together and she found she was three months pregnant. No one - not Jean, not Charlie, and certainly not Bradley - had any idea Stacey had been raped. (Pssst ... not even Lacey Turner and Larry Lamb knew either, but that's beside the point).
So now we know that Mick is as violent as Shirley can be. Violence has a strong toehold in the Carter family, and they also seem to be able to wiggle their way out of being reported for the crimes they've committed. Mick damned near kills a man for pawing Linda, and Linda manages to talk the victim out of pressing charges. Shirley shoots Phil and Mick manages to talk Sharon and Phil out of pressing charges.
See the pattern?
Dean's little bombshell is the least important of the Carter secrets to be aired, but it's a warning shot to Linda of just what Dean is capable of doing. Linda is pregnant, and she told Stacey that she isn't sure whose baby she's carrying. She'll never be sure, and this is the gist of what she was asking Stacey. Stacey thought she was pregnant as a result of Archie raping her, until she found out from Ronnie that Archie was sterile as a result of chemotherapy. but even when he thought the baby was Archie's, Bradley took on the responsibilty of the child. Linda, without telling Mick, would be forever reminded about what happened whenever she looked at her child. Telling Mick is a bigger risk, not only because of what he might do to Dean, but how he might react to a child which may or may not be his.
Same Shit Different Day.
Summerhayes now takes her place in the pantheon where Tanya, Vanessa and Kirsty dwell - yet another woman who promises herself that she's not going to be in thrall to anything Max Branning promises, but who ends up sharing a kiss and believing the lies he tells.
You're strong, Em. I mean ... look at me. I'm weak. I'd never be able to do the job you do ...
How the hell many times have we heard that one before?
I never meant to do that to ya, Tan. You're the strong one here, you're holding this family together.
Cue Tanya/Vanessa/Kirsty/Summerhayes to hesitate slightly, as if knowing they shouldn't respond the way he wanted, before ... they respond the way he wanted.
This will never end happily.
Of course, it won't, Summerhayes, and Tanya, Vanessa and Kirsty have said those exact same words, before they kissed Max and climbed into bed with him.
Hasn't Summerhayes lost her job? So, by showing Lauren the video, what did she hope to achieve? Some sort of confession? Lauren told her she sought Lucy out that night because she was tempted to drink at the party, but hadn't Lucy left by then? Or wasn't she in the midst of quarrelling with Ian? And why is Lauren so shirty about talking to the police if she has nothing to hide (except her ever-increasing baby bump)?
It's evident from the trailer that Summerhayes has the mobile number and knows the person whom she accuses of killing Lucy. That would include the Beales (Ian and Peter), Max, Abi and Lauren ... and Cameron Bryant. Just saying.
More than anything, however, this vignette showed Max at his most passive-aggressive, giving her the Geico Gecko sad-eyed look that tells her he knows he's been a naughty boy. He tells her he misses her, even though she's been gone only a day, and then he bigs up her faltering ego by telling her how strong she is, compared to how weak he is. Max gets women this way all the time, basically because the women he attracts all have self-esteem issues and massive egos waiting to burst forth.
For the first time tonight, as dumb as she is, I actually liked and felt sorry for Summerhayes.
Under the Christmas Mistletoe.
The Masood men, freed from the yoke of Zainab, want a Christmas tree. As you do in the Muslim faith, except Big Bad Shabnam refuses to comply. Kush the Lad has a bet to score twice over - against Fatboy and the smell AKA Dexter - that he can kiss Shabnam properly before the day is out, and against Mas and Tamwar that he can make Shabnam smile regarding one Christmas tradition in order to secure the tree.
Shabnam, ex-pole dancer and secret partier, has prematurely aged into a stick-in-the-mud. This was a silly storyline leading to a predictable conclusion. Shabnam failed to be impressed by Christmas crackers, paper hats and children singing Away in a Manger, but really liked ... I mean really, really, lick-your-lips liked Kush's kiss under the mistletoe.
An assinine, anodyne storyline which everyone predicted would happen as soon as Kush laid eyes on Shabnam and she started bickering with him, which emphasised, yet again - how many more times? - how childlike and feckless the male characters are (Tamwar and Masood), in thrall to the stern mummy figure, who only needs the kiss of a good
And Kush? Well, this time next year, Shabnam will be leading him around Walford on one of Lady Di's pink leads.
Horniness. Ian's horny, but he gets nowhere until Mrs Moral Conscience decides that she's horny too, after listening to Kush extol his Adventures in ShabnamLand.
And on the sofa in the front room as well.
Same old same old.
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