This was a seriously good episode, and the viewing figures showed it, but maybe that was due to the fact that it's November, it's dark, and the weather's bad.
There's a difference in the writing quality and the pace of the episode, but there are still some major problems which Dominic Treadwell-Collins will most certainly have to address - two of which are Marmite characters and men.
Male characters in the show have been abysmally written for the past ten years. Truthfully. Even Max Branning, the last nuanced character ever to be written, has devolved into a caricature of himself. Me, I'm old enough and have watched the show long enough to remember when Phil Mitchell was the nice, reasonable brother and Grant the one who hit first and thought later, but even Grant was likeable and vulnerable to a degree. I can remember Nick Cotton's anguish when he watched his son die. I remember when Alfie Moon was a breath of fresh air and men and women, alike, welcomed his character.
Mostly, I can remember when the central focal point of the Square was the multi-faceted Alpha male who fronted the Vic - Den Watts, Frank Butcher- a little dodgy, a bit hard, but compassionate, although flawed.
Lately, as Daniel Coonan, who's watched the show from its beginnings and worked on it as well, says, the show's now more about love and deceit, with a gaggle of mouthy, gobby women who see "loud" as a euphemism for "strong" yet who become terminally dependent of weak men who suffer from varying degrees of spinelessness.
At no time can I ever remember the show with more unlikeable or poorly written characters, even those of long-standing status. I can just about muster liking David (although they are turning him into the Wise Man of Walford, something he never was) and Patrick (when he's not drinking around with Cora). I like Peter Beale and my ultimate favourite, Janine.
But if DTC's stunt casting, Danny DIRE, reckons he's the saviour of the show and that the viewing figures will rise because of his arrival,alone, then perhaps Mr Treadwell-Collins needs to explain to him the meaning of an ensemble piece and teamwork. Personally, I think DIRE is a mistake. Any man who regularly peppers his language with the c-word and who advised someone in print to cut up a woman's face is no positive reinforcement for the BBC's flagship programme with viewers having to pay his wage by remit of stealth tax.
In recent days, he has disrespected the soap genre as a whole and his co-workers and his new programme in particular. Someone like that doesn't deserve to be the centrepiece of the show.
He's another Marmite character and actor. People either like him - and I seriously question people who view him as a role model - or hate him, and I've seem plenty who say they are turning off when he arrives.
Dominic Treadwell-Collins doesn't need any new misogynistic male; he needs to beef up his current crew of male characters and tone down the despicable women.
And there are a few who definitely need culling.
You and Me Against the World.
Awwww, a song for Denise and Ian ...
Welcome to the world of the Beales, Denise, where wives are chief cooks and bottle-washers, where Ian's house is Ian's house, where Ian's kids are Ian's kids and where wives and partners come and go at the drop of a hat.
Being the other half of Ian Beale means you can expect to be lied to on a regular basis, not only by Ian but by his terrible twins as well. You'll be the last to find out anything - except for hairy Cindy the Greek, who's really not a Beale at all and who'll probably be despatched back to Devon by DTC once her balls drop and she starts developing a beard proper.
Denise is following fully in the footsteps of Jane, who, initially, loved lording it over all of Walford, first as Ian's squeeze and then as Mrs Beale. Jane looked down her nose at everyone, including Ian's niece; but Denise is taking the moral high ground.
Denise is upset because because she found out that, instead of acting on his conscience and saving Max from a jail sentence, Ian was forcibly kept from testifying. Worse, she discovered - from the toxic tongue of Nana Carol, Walford's most promiscuous granny, that Ian was being blackmailed by Carl into perjuring himself, that the only way Ian could literally save his financial bacon and cancel the debt with Carl was by lying about Max. She also discovered that not only the twins, but Uncle David knew what Ian was up to - that's virtually the entire Beale family, bar Bobby, who's a kid and hairy Cindy the Greek, who's neither a Beale nor a girl.
There's a difference in the writing quality and the pace of the episode, but there are still some major problems which Dominic Treadwell-Collins will most certainly have to address - two of which are Marmite characters and men.
Male characters in the show have been abysmally written for the past ten years. Truthfully. Even Max Branning, the last nuanced character ever to be written, has devolved into a caricature of himself. Me, I'm old enough and have watched the show long enough to remember when Phil Mitchell was the nice, reasonable brother and Grant the one who hit first and thought later, but even Grant was likeable and vulnerable to a degree. I can remember Nick Cotton's anguish when he watched his son die. I remember when Alfie Moon was a breath of fresh air and men and women, alike, welcomed his character.
Mostly, I can remember when the central focal point of the Square was the multi-faceted Alpha male who fronted the Vic - Den Watts, Frank Butcher- a little dodgy, a bit hard, but compassionate, although flawed.
Lately, as Daniel Coonan, who's watched the show from its beginnings and worked on it as well, says, the show's now more about love and deceit, with a gaggle of mouthy, gobby women who see "loud" as a euphemism for "strong" yet who become terminally dependent of weak men who suffer from varying degrees of spinelessness.
At no time can I ever remember the show with more unlikeable or poorly written characters, even those of long-standing status. I can just about muster liking David (although they are turning him into the Wise Man of Walford, something he never was) and Patrick (when he's not drinking around with Cora). I like Peter Beale and my ultimate favourite, Janine.
But if DTC's stunt casting, Danny DIRE, reckons he's the saviour of the show and that the viewing figures will rise because of his arrival,alone, then perhaps Mr Treadwell-Collins needs to explain to him the meaning of an ensemble piece and teamwork. Personally, I think DIRE is a mistake. Any man who regularly peppers his language with the c-word and who advised someone in print to cut up a woman's face is no positive reinforcement for the BBC's flagship programme with viewers having to pay his wage by remit of stealth tax.
In recent days, he has disrespected the soap genre as a whole and his co-workers and his new programme in particular. Someone like that doesn't deserve to be the centrepiece of the show.
He's another Marmite character and actor. People either like him - and I seriously question people who view him as a role model - or hate him, and I've seem plenty who say they are turning off when he arrives.
Dominic Treadwell-Collins doesn't need any new misogynistic male; he needs to beef up his current crew of male characters and tone down the despicable women.
And there are a few who definitely need culling.
You and Me Against the World.
Awwww, a song for Denise and Ian ...
Welcome to the world of the Beales, Denise, where wives are chief cooks and bottle-washers, where Ian's house is Ian's house, where Ian's kids are Ian's kids and where wives and partners come and go at the drop of a hat.
Being the other half of Ian Beale means you can expect to be lied to on a regular basis, not only by Ian but by his terrible twins as well. You'll be the last to find out anything - except for hairy Cindy the Greek, who's really not a Beale at all and who'll probably be despatched back to Devon by DTC once her balls drop and she starts developing a beard proper.
Denise is following fully in the footsteps of Jane, who, initially, loved lording it over all of Walford, first as Ian's squeeze and then as Mrs Beale. Jane looked down her nose at everyone, including Ian's niece; but Denise is taking the moral high ground.
Denise is upset because because she found out that, instead of acting on his conscience and saving Max from a jail sentence, Ian was forcibly kept from testifying. Worse, she discovered - from the toxic tongue of Nana Carol, Walford's most promiscuous granny, that Ian was being blackmailed by Carl into perjuring himself, that the only way Ian could literally save his financial bacon and cancel the debt with Carl was by lying about Max. She also discovered that not only the twins, but Uncle David knew what Ian was up to - that's virtually the entire Beale family, bar Bobby, who's a kid and hairy Cindy the Greek, who's neither a Beale nor a girl.
Two things are incongruous about Denise's reactions:-
- She didn't seem to understand why David did what he did. It wasn't to humiliate Ian, it was simply the only way Ian could be prevented from testifying without Carl taking revenge on him - or more precisely - his children.
- Denise seems to forget that she was in a similar position about five years back when Patrick was mugged in his shop and her darling daughter Chelsea identified Sean Slater as the culprit, when he wasn't. She and Dean Wicks stole the CC-TV footage of Craig, the chippie boy, doing the deed; and Denise - Denise - and Kevin Wicks attempted to destroy the evidence. In short, Denise accused Ian of being cowardly enough to allow an innocent man to go to prison, when Denise was willing, herself, to see an innocent man imprisoned, when telling the truth would mean that Chelsea-baby would serve time for perverting the course of justice.
Same shit, different day.
So Denise's moral high ground is the height of hypocrisy. As is the same attitude of ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS.
Confronting the Beale twins she gurns exclaims:-
You were willing to see my dad rot in prison just to save yours?!
Er, well, yes, Lauren, that's the general idea. You see, Ian is their dad, just like Max is yours, and this time last August 2012, you were banning him from Walford. If the shoe were on the other foot, you would have done exactly the same thing, and when the Beale twins confronted you, you would have curled up your collagened lip and told them to stuff it.
Besides, Max, himself, willingly lied, dumped Kirsty and stayed in prison because Carl threatened Max with the same threat with which he threatened Ian and with which we saw he threatened Phil in this episode - he threatened to harm Max's children, specifically, the gurning girl, herself.
As for Ian Beale and his characterisation, enough is enough. Ian's made out to be the bad guy in this situation. OK, he's a weasel, but he's just been through an episode of mental illness - does his brother know about this? - and he was keen to re-launch himself into the business world. He regained his businesses in the same manner in which his daughter snookered them out of him, whilst he was vulnerable. Maybe he should have handed Derek's money over to his children, but he didn't - but then, maybe Phil and Shirley shouldn't have stolen Roxy's money.
He did what he did, and constantle reinforcing the image of Ian as an increasingly lower form of coward and weak man is an insult to one of two remaning original characters in the programme. Yes, Ian never learns from his mistakes, but he also immensely capable of rising from the ashes of his own defeat, again and again, like a phoenix.
Branning Swansong.
And here's a song for Max and the remaining Brannings:-
So, could this be the beginning of the end of Kirkwood's and Newman's signature family?
Derek dropped dead last Christmas, Tanya had a pointless departure, Jack had a non-ending and Alice and Joey will soon be dust. That leaves Max, Abi the Dough-Faced Girl, Lauren, Cora-the-Bora and - when Sam and Ava depart, the introduction of Black Bradley, for that's what Dexter will be.
Carol will be part of the Butcher-Beale dynamic, for all she might bleat on and on about David financially helping in Alice's defence. David is Janine's step-brother, after all; and it was very interesting to note tonight, Janine's defence of her other step-brother, Phil, in her consternation that Max had beat a rap for a crime.
I know she's a popular character, but I've never been the biggest fan of Carol, least of all now, watching her ego rise inexorably at the sight of Masood and David locking horns over a woman who, in true parlance, is little more than an old boot. If Zainab could see the object of Mas's desire, she'd drop-kick his arse twice around the Square before she pussy-whipped him with a wet noodle. David's after comfort sex and the competition. Once he gets the prize, the first sight of supple-skinned Sadie will send him reaching for the aftershave.
On the other side of the coin, we've got what is arguably the worst couple in the history of the show, even worse than Sharon and Jack - Lauren and leery Jake.
People talk about Michael French always having scenes in which he's eating, well, lard-arsed Jamie Lomas is always stuffing his fat face. If he's lost an amazing amount of weight (according to him), he must have been seriously obese, because he is a tub of lard.
Carol will be part of the Butcher-Beale dynamic, for all she might bleat on and on about David financially helping in Alice's defence. David is Janine's step-brother, after all; and it was very interesting to note tonight, Janine's defence of her other step-brother, Phil, in her consternation that Max had beat a rap for a crime.
I know she's a popular character, but I've never been the biggest fan of Carol, least of all now, watching her ego rise inexorably at the sight of Masood and David locking horns over a woman who, in true parlance, is little more than an old boot. If Zainab could see the object of Mas's desire, she'd drop-kick his arse twice around the Square before she pussy-whipped him with a wet noodle. David's after comfort sex and the competition. Once he gets the prize, the first sight of supple-skinned Sadie will send him reaching for the aftershave.
On the other side of the coin, we've got what is arguably the worst couple in the history of the show, even worse than Sharon and Jack - Lauren and leery Jake.
People talk about Michael French always having scenes in which he's eating, well, lard-arsed Jamie Lomas is always stuffing his fat face. If he's lost an amazing amount of weight (according to him), he must have been seriously obese, because he is a tub of lard.
Lauren loves Jake. Seriously? She looks like a fourteen year-old who needs to wash her hair and he looks and sounds like a creepy perv who is in dire need of a bath.
The couple have zero sexual chemistry, abetted by the fact that neither of them are remotely likeable. The fact that Lauren is Max's number one defender as opposed to perennial Daddy's Girl Abi the Dough-Faced Girl (Note to director: Please do not include any full-length shots of Abi's thunder thighs) is, quite honestly, a joke. One of the most ridiculous scenes in an otherwise good episode was Abi, grinning idiotically, walking into the Branning front room to announce, with a snort and a giggle:-
He's just eating breakfast.
Give me strength. Still with the arrival of the ridiculously attired, unknown quantity that's the Carter daughter, DTC may be sorely tempted to send Abi off to a univeristy far, far away. Abi is the natural amalgem of everything bad that was Sonia Jackson and Libby Fox.
Arguably, the weakest part of tonight's episode was the Gurning Girl.
She's BACK!
Gurning, screeching voice, and windmill arms - ahhhhh, but we all forgive her (not) because she's entering into her first adult forbidden love affair with scuzza Jake. She's gone from lateral incest to becoming a homewrecker before she reaches twenty, just like her putrid mother.
Oh, and the worst-kept secret in the world clocked by Jamie Lomas's brute-dumb face when Lauren whined about living in Albert Square.
I hope this storyline doesn't last long. I've lost count of the number of times Lorraine Newman has pitifully practically begged us to love and root for her Go-To Girl. I think and hope DTC will focus on a new ingenue, and I think we'll get that in the incipient Lola-Peter romance. The Brannings, Max included, will take a backseat for awhile. I'll bet we'll even see David in the carlot more than we'll see Max, which is a step back for David. I'd have rather seen him look after Janine's interests in her absence.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon and GodSilly.
Well, she really is back then.
I actually thought we got a glimpse of what Carl could really have become, had they bothered with developing his character. In the run-up to finding out what happened to Shirley, he really had Phil spooked, and his assessment of Phil when he left - past it, basically.
It seems that Carl caused Shirley to miss her plane, issuing what is, by now, his standard threat - that if she ever came back to Walford again, he'd harm Lola and Lexi. I thought Linda Henry's weakest point came when she shakingly asked if Lola and Lexi were OK. It didn't sound convincing, nor did her remark about messing up with her own kids, but ensuring that she didn't mess up with someone else's. Quite honestly, that remark cut no ice with me. Lola and Lexi aren't Shirley's responsibility. They aren't even Phil's. And Shirley was offered a second chance with her daughter and her grandson. Being noble and giving up a life in the sun in Greece to "protect" your obsession's grandchild and her mother doesn't make up for abandoning your own children.
And Shirley's now broke? How long has she been gone? She'd stolen/been given enough by Phil to invest in a small bar in Greece, and she's been living in a council flat with her dippy sister and her sister's violent girlfriend.
What happened to the money?
As for the sister ... well, I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't particularly love her, but I didn't detest her either. It's obvious that she's a rough and skinny version of Heather and that she's been horribly retconned - for example, from Zsa Zsa's time, Tina had been married (to a man), got pregnant by another man and was living in Spain in 2010, with someone called Miguel, which was where Zsa Zsa and Leon were headed.
So the tale of her being a "big old dyke, always have been" is more than a big retcon, created, I imagine, to tick the box of "requisite gay character" in order to assauge the rage of vaslav37, albeit this character is a lesbian. This begs the question of whether we're about to see some woman emerge from the closet with Tina lurking about the Square, or will they introduce another character or will Sonia return munching carpet once again?
On a positive note, I have a feeling that Tina's storylines, such as they will be, will be less about her sexuality and more about Shirley looking after Lezza Hevva.
The character was supposed to be a fat, fiftysomething loser - in other words, another one of EastEnders' stock sad, fat clown characters, but the actress who auditioned, convinced them to re-write the character (and Shirley's already established backstory) to fit a 37 year-old with a model's figure, exquisite big eyes and botoxed within an inch of her life, like most of the rest of the female cast.
Having said that, I quite like the character, as long as she doesn't become too silly for words. The actress is established and is from a pretty posh, private school background. That's she's able to pull off the rougher end of Shirley's family is a testament to her acting ability.
As fot the eternally niggling question of Phil loving Shirley, the answer is no, he doesn't. He likes her a great deal, but love doesn't come into it. They weren't a match made in heaven;in fact, they brought out the worst in each other, as it threatened to do so today, with Shirley urging Phil to finish off Carl, who got the last word in de-balling Phil, the same way he emasculated Ian and Max ... he mentioned Phil's child.
Ben.
The couple have zero sexual chemistry, abetted by the fact that neither of them are remotely likeable. The fact that Lauren is Max's number one defender as opposed to perennial Daddy's Girl Abi the Dough-Faced Girl (Note to director: Please do not include any full-length shots of Abi's thunder thighs) is, quite honestly, a joke. One of the most ridiculous scenes in an otherwise good episode was Abi, grinning idiotically, walking into the Branning front room to announce, with a snort and a giggle:-
He's just eating breakfast.
Give me strength. Still with the arrival of the ridiculously attired, unknown quantity that's the Carter daughter, DTC may be sorely tempted to send Abi off to a univeristy far, far away. Abi is the natural amalgem of everything bad that was Sonia Jackson and Libby Fox.
Arguably, the weakest part of tonight's episode was the Gurning Girl.
She's BACK!
Gurning, screeching voice, and windmill arms - ahhhhh, but we all forgive her (not) because she's entering into her first adult forbidden love affair with scuzza Jake. She's gone from lateral incest to becoming a homewrecker before she reaches twenty, just like her putrid mother.
Oh, and the worst-kept secret in the world clocked by Jamie Lomas's brute-dumb face when Lauren whined about living in Albert Square.
I hope this storyline doesn't last long. I've lost count of the number of times Lorraine Newman has pitifully practically begged us to love and root for her Go-To Girl. I think and hope DTC will focus on a new ingenue, and I think we'll get that in the incipient Lola-Peter romance. The Brannings, Max included, will take a backseat for awhile. I'll bet we'll even see David in the carlot more than we'll see Max, which is a step back for David. I'd have rather seen him look after Janine's interests in her absence.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon and GodSilly.
Well, she really is back then.
I actually thought we got a glimpse of what Carl could really have become, had they bothered with developing his character. In the run-up to finding out what happened to Shirley, he really had Phil spooked, and his assessment of Phil when he left - past it, basically.
It seems that Carl caused Shirley to miss her plane, issuing what is, by now, his standard threat - that if she ever came back to Walford again, he'd harm Lola and Lexi. I thought Linda Henry's weakest point came when she shakingly asked if Lola and Lexi were OK. It didn't sound convincing, nor did her remark about messing up with her own kids, but ensuring that she didn't mess up with someone else's. Quite honestly, that remark cut no ice with me. Lola and Lexi aren't Shirley's responsibility. They aren't even Phil's. And Shirley was offered a second chance with her daughter and her grandson. Being noble and giving up a life in the sun in Greece to "protect" your obsession's grandchild and her mother doesn't make up for abandoning your own children.
And Shirley's now broke? How long has she been gone? She'd stolen/been given enough by Phil to invest in a small bar in Greece, and she's been living in a council flat with her dippy sister and her sister's violent girlfriend.
What happened to the money?
As for the sister ... well, I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't particularly love her, but I didn't detest her either. It's obvious that she's a rough and skinny version of Heather and that she's been horribly retconned - for example, from Zsa Zsa's time, Tina had been married (to a man), got pregnant by another man and was living in Spain in 2010, with someone called Miguel, which was where Zsa Zsa and Leon were headed.
So the tale of her being a "big old dyke, always have been" is more than a big retcon, created, I imagine, to tick the box of "requisite gay character" in order to assauge the rage of vaslav37, albeit this character is a lesbian. This begs the question of whether we're about to see some woman emerge from the closet with Tina lurking about the Square, or will they introduce another character or will Sonia return munching carpet once again?
On a positive note, I have a feeling that Tina's storylines, such as they will be, will be less about her sexuality and more about Shirley looking after Lezza Hevva.
The character was supposed to be a fat, fiftysomething loser - in other words, another one of EastEnders' stock sad, fat clown characters, but the actress who auditioned, convinced them to re-write the character (and Shirley's already established backstory) to fit a 37 year-old with a model's figure, exquisite big eyes and botoxed within an inch of her life, like most of the rest of the female cast.
Having said that, I quite like the character, as long as she doesn't become too silly for words. The actress is established and is from a pretty posh, private school background. That's she's able to pull off the rougher end of Shirley's family is a testament to her acting ability.
As fot the eternally niggling question of Phil loving Shirley, the answer is no, he doesn't. He likes her a great deal, but love doesn't come into it. They weren't a match made in heaven;in fact, they brought out the worst in each other, as it threatened to do so today, with Shirley urging Phil to finish off Carl, who got the last word in de-balling Phil, the same way he emasculated Ian and Max ... he mentioned Phil's child.
Ben.
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