Monday, November 25, 2013

The Royal Wedding - Review: 25.11.2013

How about a little soothing but classy wedding music? Take it away, Pachelbel ...

Anybody can have Handel. Anybody can have Mendelsohn. But who has Pachelbel?

Not Roxy.

It was undoubtedly the wedding of the year, however. Well, it was a Mitchell wedding, and how many of those last? Phil has had three, and survived none. Peggy's first husband died, her second absconded with all of her money, and her third was a psychopath who got brained in the bar. Grant's first wife fell in love with Phil, stayed with Grant and got thrown under the proverbial bus by both - watch this space; that story isn't over yet. His second wife got mown down by Peggy's second husband whilst running away from Grant. He literally binned his third.

Billy's been through two village idiots. Psycho Ronnie went through all sorts of lies, machinations and manipulations - from pricking holes in condoms to paying Sam Mitchell thirty grand to leave Walford with Jack's baby - before she divorced Jack, refused to see him in prison and only reached her talons out to claw him back when he was literally at the altar with another woman. Oh, and then she dumpe him too.

(Aside: Please, stop saying this woman is mentally ill, that she's psychotic or that she's still suffering her insufferable tragedies. She's a psychopathic bitch, who's hell-bent on control and psycho-sexually obsessed with her sister).

And then there's Roxy ... who married Sean. And who still may be married to Sean.

Yes, yes, yes ... I know that, after two years she would be entitled to apply for a divorce based on desertion, but only after all efforts had been exhausted in trying to find Sean. Correct me if I'm wrong, but none of the Mitchells seemed at all bothered about his whereabouts, and neither did his own family. Both Jean and Stacey merely let him go, simply because no one could contain Sean when he put his mind to something and he was determined to leave after the set-to over Amy's paternity.

We've heard nothing about a divorce. At least, Janine mentioned her and Ryan getting divorced, even if it were retconned as there was no way they could have divorced before September 2011, and we all know Ryan was whereabouts unknown and on the run for murder at that time. TPTB had to address the issue because Janine was marrying Michael the very next year.

Come to think of it, we've heard absolutely zilch about a Ricky-Bianca divorce either, so she can bleat all she wants about Terry's ex-wife, the question is ... is Bianca Ricky's ex-wife ... officially? And is Terry's ex-wife Nikki really the ex- or is she the current Mrs Spraggan?

Time will tell.

This was a good episode. Apart from the bad smell of sulphur and burning plastic.

Love's Unkind.

A song for Roxy sung by a much younger Diane Butcher trying to be Donna Summer. (No kidding, I didn't know Sophie Lawrence recorded this).

The wedding we know isn't going to take place, and the morning after the night before when two people kissed.

Line of the night has to go to Bianca:-

Who went in for lunch first?

Actually, in my opinion, Bianca stole the show in this episode. This is the Bianca I actually like, as opposed to the loud-mouthed, screeching banshee chav, wailing about her misbehaving kids and strutting her stuff as the current Official Walford Village Idiot.

Bianca knows, in her heart, that Kat loves Alfie, and she's convinced from Alfie's behaviour the night before, that he loves Kat as well. It's with Bianca's encouragement, really, that Kat visits Alfie with the pretext of collecting Tommy's suit for the wedding.

(Of course, this wedding will come to nought - Alfie and Roxy spent the night together. Isn't it bad luck for the groom to see the bride on the day of the wedding before they're hitched?)

That's when Alfie knocks Kat back. Alfie is conflicted. He knows he loves Kat, but he still wonders if he can trust her. Once bitten, twice shy, and Alfie - who is genuinely fond of Roxy - is determined to move on from Kat, unwilling to risk being hurt again?

There were so many things said in this episode that were right, so many things that I have said all along - the first of which emanating from Kat, who said that the only way she thought Alfie could have a go of happiness with Roxy is if she weren't around; and anyway, she couldn't abide seeing Alfie and Roxy together. Kat realises - finally - that the breakdown of her marriage was down to her repeated infidelities. Yet it's mete to realise that Kat does know that the only way Alfie could have a successful marriage to Roxy would be without her around. She's making a sacrifice and, at the same time, knowing that Alfie really loves her as well.

I thought it interesting what Ian had to say to Alfie as well, when they were getting ready at the Beale house, reiterating back to his first two trophy wives - Cindy and Mel - how it was a mind-bending high to have such beautiful women as your wife, but how you crashed to the ground once you found out they'd been unfaithful, once they started cheating, mentioning shifty looks and dodgy behaviour.

Funny that, because Mel was unfaithful to Ian once - in Brighton with Steve, and that was totally unplanned, although Mel and Steve had been lovers before she was keen on Ian. The reason Mel actually split with Ian (on their wedding day) was because of Ian's dishonesty with her. Ian, knowing that she wasn't in love with him and was having second thoughts about the wedding, lied to her and told her Lucy had cancer, in order to prey on her sympathies and get her to marry him and remain in the marriage. Even when she confessed to  having slept with Steve, Ian still wanted her to remain.

Shall we re-live another great EastEnders' wedding that wasn't?

I'm not the biggest lover of romcom injections which seem to have become part and parcel of EastEnders since Santer's regime (especially with Denise). but I'll let the trick pulled by Bianca in getting Kat to the church on time to see Alfie reluctantly say "I do" a masterpiece of genius, even if it does echo Alfie's interruption of her aborted wedding with the seriously short Andy Hunter and, before that, Louise Raymond's interruption of Terry Raymond's wedding to Irene Hills.

How about some more wedding music?

Seems appropriate.

Send In the Clowns.

Well, that would be Bianca, the heroine of the piece - from her disarming question about who went in first for lunch regarding Alfie and Kat kissing, to her snatching Terry's cab to drive Kat to the "airport," she was a hoot.

Who knew Bianca could drive? When did she learn, and why has she never had a car? Another question - did Whitney even think to return the car Fatboy bought her when she dumped him for Tyler?

The clip where Bianca's driving Kat away from the Square and hits the curb was real and genuine EastEnders' humour vintage 80s and 90s style and it worked. Even the dialogue was amusing.

Kat: Are you sure you know how to drive this fing?
Bianca: Oh, I'm all right once I get going.

Even the scenes back at Butcher Manor, with Terry getting dressed for a wedding where he knew no one, ending in him not going at all, to David's subtle stirring of the shady facts surrounding Terry's marital status, resulting in Bianca discovering that Terry's "ex" and he always shared Christmas together, for the kids' sake. This sort of thing, according to Terry, just "happened," as if by accident. Maybe it just happened because they've always spent every Christmas together because they're actually still married?

Still, this was a subtle lead-in to a another storyline, as was the accidental encounters between Lauren and Jake, especially with his family. Just why the Stones were invited to this wedding is beyond my ken. She's done little more than have a couple of drinks in the Vic, and he's only just arrived. I supposed it made for a dramatic moment when Max and Lauren entered the church and Max initially sought to sit with Jake and Sadie. I suppose this is what is known as dramtatic irony.

Couldn't quite figure out why Abi the Dough-Faced Girl wasn't there and Joey was? Are you kidding? Alfie made his peace with Max the other night at the stag do, when Max was cognizant of the fact that Alfie might have been uncomfortable with him there,considering Alice being accused of Michael's death, but Joey?

Joey has had little to nothing at all to do with either Roxy or Alfie, and his sister is the one accused of Michael's murder. And why was Janine not invited? She is, after all, related to Alfie by marriage. And no Dot. Or Cora - she wouldn't turn down a knees-up. Or Patrick, for that matter, and he's close to Alfie. 

Fatboy and Poppy were there, however, in full force. And tonight I decided that Poppy cannot leave quick enough for me. She is a caricature of all the clueless and shallow-brained females who are slaves to celebrity culture in Britain today, and she is also an insult to anyone with half a brain and the ability to think critically who comes from Essex. Fatboy is not funny. To quote a contributor on Digital Spy forum, I cannot believe an actress of the calibre of Keirston Wareing has been sacked, and Ricky Norwood's contract has been renewed.

The Dark Side of the Moon.

Well, there we are with the duff duff showing Alfie saying a hesitant, "I do," following a brilliant previous shot of Kat in the taxi, with the reflection of the church clock tower in the window of the cab, and Bianca encouraging Kat to stake her claim, telling her she had every right to claim Alfie's heart until the ring was on his finger.

By the way, Alfie is a man who's twice divorced,and if Roxy is divorced as well (and that's dubious), how can they marry according to Church of England rites? And this was not the local church either, but one further out in the country.

We all know Alfie is conflicted about this, but I can almost understand why he allowed things with Roxy to go so far. Roxy proclaimed her love for Alfie back in March 2012, when Kat was away, and this proclamation came on the heels of Roxy pursuing another man in a committed relationship - Max Branning - who knocked her back. Also, Roxy made damned sure she was well on hand and near enough when Alfie finally decided to shift Kat out when he discovered she'd been sleeping with Derek Branning.

At that point, Alfie was at his most vulnerable emotionally. He'd have been feeling the weight of Kat's betrayal and what seemed to be her rejection of him. Having a younger, lissom blonde woman holding out her arms to comfort you must have been a dream for Alfie, even though Big Mo and Jean tried to warn Roxy into giving Alfie space to grieve his relationship with Kat. Besides, not only was it entitled for Roxy to believe she had a right to Alfie's love previously that year, it was also the height of entitlement for her to pursue Max when he was living with Tanya and she was undergoing cancer treatment.

I do believe Alfie genuinely loves Roxy - not in the same way he loves Kat and certainly not as much - but he loves her. I believe his feelings for her equate to the feelings Max Branning has for Kirsty - and for everyone booing Alfie as the bad man in this piece, spare some boos for Max in the way he's treated Kirsty.

Alfie dithered in this situation, between Kat and Roxy; and in the end he, mistakenly, chose Roxy, because he couldn't bear the risk of possibly being hurt by Kat again, even though she's the love of his life. He chose the comfort of feeling fondness for Roxy over the unconditional love, which has hurt him in the past, for Kat. Max, on the other hand, dithered between Tanya and Kirsty - loving the safety of Tanya and their bond with their children, yet feeling responsible for Kirsty who loved him and who was all alone. He forsook Tanya when he thought Kirsty was pregnant and ditched her when it became apparent she lied; but when Tanya dumped him, he fell back on Kirsty as second best. An If-you-can't-be-with-the-one-you-love-love-the-one-you're-with moment. Now, he realises that, whilst he's fond of Kirsty and feels for her genuinely, he doesn't love her enough to stay married to her.

And Alfie's about to realise this with Roxy.

Could Alfie and Roxy have made a go of it? I believe they could, but only with Kat out of the picture.

Someone accused me in a comment the other day of changing my tune regarding Roxy and Alfie. Let me make myself abundantly clear: I have always believed Alfie and Kat were an endgame couple - the way I think that Ricky and Bianca were and still are - Terry Spraggan is a likeable blip. The way I think Grant Mitchell was the real thing for Sharon as opposed to fey Dennis Rickman, and who may even be the real thing for her once more (fingers crossed).

I thought Roxy and Alfie, initially, sans Kat, had enormous chemistry. It was the first bona fide genuine adult relationship Roxy had, and the first to develop when she was free of the sick, controlling thrall of her psychopathic sister. But, yes, I do feel that Newman sacrificed Roxy at the altar of Kat's redemption, because Newman made saving Kat and re-uniting the Moons her priority, which she will have achieved.

As much as the Alfie-haters hate the thought, Alfie and Kat belong together, and they will leave the show when one or both of them call time, and if one leaves and the other remains, the departing character will leave in a box.

One thing developing throughout this episode is the rising of Alfie's dark side. Louise Berridge and Tony Jordan, who created him, always maintained that he was not 100% the cheeky, chirpy, chappy he seems, that there was a dark side to him; and people forget that Alfie had two spells in prison and lived amongst hard cases.

In Friday's episode, Billy made much of the fact that Alfie was "becoming a Mitchell." Therein the Mitchells think they are like royalty. When a female member of the clan marries, they absorb her husband and make him a "Mitchell." Sean escaped that fate. And even though Roxy and Sam Mitchell have Branning babies, they are "Mitchells." Phil's call-out tonight that Alfie was "almost a Mitchell" now was the turning point for Alfie and gave him that inner boost of strength we'll see him have tomorrow night.

The absolute scene of the piece for me came when Alfie confronted that botoxed, plastic-faced bitch of a psychopath in the alleyway, when she demanded - not asked, but demanded - that Alfie walk away from marrying Roxy. I loved Alfie's ultimate put-down - and no, Ronnie-shippers, he wasn't lying when he said that he loved Roxy.

Do you think if I didn't love Roxy for one minute that I'd put up with you?

Fan-bloody-tastic! Someone sees this cold-hearted, emotionless bitch for what she is - a manipulative, obsessive, cold-hearted bitch with no empathy. Credit where credit is due to Samantha Womack's plastic surgeon, who's managed to stretch her botoxed and reconstructed face within an inch of movement. Her lips are too wide for her face and she looks like a blonde, blanched Michael Jackson with the noseless nostrils to match, but it's the perfect emotionless face of a psychopath. Roxy should be afraid. She should be very afraid and simply disappear with Amy. I wouldn't trust that bitch within an inch of a child.

Roxy Should Hold That Home Truth.

For anyone who ever thought Max and Tanya had a co-dependent relationship, the Mitchell sisters have the ultimate depraved one.

Whenever Roxy's freed from Ronnie's domination - i.e., when she was involved with Sean Slater and now when she's involved with Alfie Moon - she sees Ronnie exactly as what she is, and she told her this evening: a pathetic control freak who thinks nothing of Roxy except how much she can control her. Yes, Ronnie has leverage here because she realises that Alfie still loves Kat, but Ronnie broke up Roxy's relationship with Damien, who seemed to love Roxy, because she thought he was ugly; and she was hell-bent on breaking up her relationship with Sean Slater, whom she thought to be the father of Roxy's child. Remember how she whisked Roxy away to Ibiza, telling her they didn't need Sean and they would raise the child together?

Roxy had a brilliant line for her tonight:-

You don't want me to be happy, you want to control me.

This is abundantly true. For as long as she lives, Roxy will never be allowed to have any sort of normal relationship as long as Ronnie's overshadowing her, and this will also be true of Amy.

The Mitchell sisters have no friends - remember the pathetic hen do Roxy threw Ronnie before she married Jack, the one where no one attended? The sibling-friend motive started in earnest with the Slater sisters. Twelve years and no sisters-in-sight on, and Kat's finally found a friend; but the Mitchell sisters couldn't find a friend if their lives depended on it.

Kat and Ronnie bonded when they were both pregnant victims of child abuse, and Ronnie betrayed that trust by kidnapping Kat's child. Roxy has never had a friend of the same sex. Even Christian cold-shouldered her when he linked up with Syed, of whom Roxy was jealous. Ronnie tolerated Roxy's friendship with Christian because he was gay and couldn't threaten her control of Roxy. One wonders how Ronnie would have reacted to Roxy's brief fling with Al Jenkins. Some fault would have been found, and she would have worked her evil magic to break that up, even if it meant sleeping with Al.

Ronnie loves herself. She's an entitled psychopath, just like Michael Moon, who recognised her for what she was. And she's psycho-sexually obsessed with her sister. If DTC really wanted to be provocative, he'd have Ronnie sexually assault the object of her desires.

As for Roxy, she is so swept up in Ronnie's manipulations, she doesn't even realise she is being manipulated. Roxy will go so far without Ronnie before she's afraid to go any further. Ronnie will pop up like an evil Chuck doll and whisper "I love you" or "I want you to be happy" and Roxy is putty in her hands. Roxy is a childwoman of 36, totally emotionally dependent on Ronnie.

This will all end in tears. A good ending for the Mitchell sisters, in line with pure tragedy, would be for Roxy, eventually, to kill Ronnie.

But DTC would never let that happen to two retconned characters who are, themselves, daughters of a retconned character.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree,and remember Ronnie got violent once with Roxy and left her scarred.

Here's hoping someone shatters that plastic face sooner rather than later and bounces it around the Square. My candidates for the deed are Bianca, Sharon, Kat or Janine before she goes.

Good episode, but I imagine tomorrow's the better one.


  1. "Here's hoping someone shatters that plastic face sooner rather than later and bounces it around the Square. My candidates for the deed are Bianca, Sharon, Kat or Janine before she goes."

    I share your fantasy. All potential face bouncers have their advantages.

    Sharon would be the ultimate victory of real Eastenders defeating Eastenders 2.0 and the original Princess destroying the poor imitation.

    Roxy would be double-sweet because it would hurt the bitch twice over, getting a good leathering and losing her favourite lifesized puppet in the process.

    Kat should still have some subconscious rage leftover from the babyswap which could manifest in a display of extremely enjoyable vengeance.

    Janine could pull the ultimate trick and kick the shit out of Ronnie AND find a way to fit her up for Michael's death.

    Bianca could kill her on the sly and harvest her flesh to appease Morgan's appetite for a week or two.

    Shirley could probably do the most grievous bodily damage.

    Wait, am I getting carried away?

  2. I see Alfie and Kat as this generations Frank and Pat. They will try and move on from one another (Frank with Peggy, Pat with Roy, Kat with Andy, Alfie with Roxy) but ultimately they will end up back together because they are meant to be together.

    I mentioned the fact that Alfie and Roxy are both divorced on DS and that in the Church of England it's not generally allowed(the reason Prince Charles and Camilla were married in Windsor registry office) and was corrected probably by some kid that it was allowed. I know it's not as I am getting married in Church myself so have all the information about it. Also if it's not Walford Church they would have had to regularly attend that Church for at least 6 months and they have to attend a preparation meeting. None of which has been covered. Eastenders have become really bad with getting simple facts correct. But I suppose it wouldn't have been as dramatic if it had been in a Registry Office and Roxy wouldn't have been able to wear that god awful dress that makes her look like something from the Corpse Bride.

  3. Re Bianca driving: wasn't she having lessons with David around the time it was revealed he was her father? I remember that everyone (viewers) knew, don't know if it was through spoilers or just that it was obvious but there was an episode where he took her for a lesson way outside of London and it looked like they were getting so close it was cringeable... she commented about how unusual it was seeing the stars because she was used to the night sky in London being orange from all the lights. I was a teenager at the time and that comment made me go outside to see how orange it was where I lived!