Nosferatu the Camp Vamp - Review: 31.10.2013

Remind you of anyone?

Let's have a close-up ...

It's the ears. Nosferatu. Michael Moon with British teeth.

I always said Moon reminded me of a bloodless vampire, a walking cadaver.

And I felt utterly vindicated today when Steve John Shepherd openly stated today in an interview that Michael Moon was a functioning psychopath and added the prime characteristic of a psychopath as evidence of this - the singular lack of empathy. Michael, he explained, doesn't care anything about anyone. There is no love for Scarlett. There's obsession.

Lest we forget, the character of Michael Moon identified himself as a functioning psychopath, by means of explaining to Jack that Jack's ex-wife was, herself, just like him - in other words (his words) a functioning psychopath.

That would mean that Ronnie shows no empathy - she doesn't, as evidenced in final scene with Alfie on Tuesday night. And she doesn't love Roxy; she's psycho-sexually obsessed.

One psychopath departs, another remains.

Sinister Swansong ...

Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells" notwithstanding, which will forever be associated with The Exorcist, it was a stroke of genius, on someone's part, that the signature piece of music dominating this storyline was Schubert's Schwanengesang - translation: Swansong.

For the Luddites found on Digital Spy cesspool and Walford Web Bullyboy Emporium, and especially for xTonix, who thinks "patriarch" is a made-up word, a swansong is a final gesture, effort or performance given immediately prior to one's death or retirement. In this case, it's the former.

The audience knows Michael is going to die, because we've all been told that Steve John Shepherd is leaving, and that his character is being killed off. Many of the Michael-shippers will interpret this as Michael knowing that somehow this would be his end, and he would eventually offer himself as a sacrificial lamb for the good of his daughter Scarlett,

(Sigh) ... it's disheartening how many people will go to the greatest length to defend reprobate people who deserve no defence. Psychopaths are incurable, and if they channel their psychopathy into pejorative measures, there's no hope for them. They simply cannot be helped.

Michael isn't sacrificing himself for anyone. His swansong related entirely to Janine. This would be Janine's final performance.  Was he frightened? No. He was, as he said to Alice, raging inside, and I believe that. The outburst in Monday's episode, the screaming into the cushion on Tuesday, every action is brilliantly evocative of psychopathic behaviour.

The vomiting scene at the beginning of the programme wasn't Michael being nervous or uncertain or even Michael showing some sort of nervous reluctance to follow through with the act, or even remorse at sacrificing Alice, because that's exactly what he's doing. It was an eruption of the rage within, his impatience to be rid of Janine, who isn't playing along with his games.

Janine has trust issues, and Michael's treatment of her last year compounded those issues. She's wary of Michael. 

The episode was rife with camp irony - Janine speculating about dressing up as a witch on Hallowe'en. She's suspicious of Michael's motives, especially his assertions that he wants to salvage their relationship. Before that, the scene where the camera pans out on Michael as we hear Janine's voice reading about Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, which would be Big Bad Michael.

Also, whoever wrote and directed this, relished the scenes of Nosferatu MIchael,seated in his leather chair of power.

There was an air of finality to his scenes, especially with Alfie. Of course, the audience knew and might be hoping that these scenes of farewell meant Michael was prepared to die. No, it didn't. 

This is an elaborate double ruse. Michael is setting Alice up. All his promises of having a new life with her and Scarlett, being a family, right down to the assertion tonight that, with Janine dead, they could even stay in Walford, which is a lot of bunkum. If Alice were to successfully murder Janine, Michael wouldn't be seen for dust, and Alice would be left to cop the blame.

But Alice is setting Michael up too. Because she's going to reveal to Janine just what Michael is planning to do. Wherever she was for two days, Alice was putting together a plan to foil MIchael, and part of that plan was to return ready to do his bidding.

Maybe Alice isn't so dumb after all.

Interesting interaction between Michael and Alfie, from Alfie's reluctance to have Michael attend the Hallowe'en bash. for fear of him mouthing off, to Michael's attempting to extend the hand of friendship to Alfie, wanting to know if they could be "mates" (after Michael's ultimate deception) and even telling Alfie he thought him to be the best of the Moons. Michael fully expected to be leaving Walford that night, alive, with his wife dead and Alice in custody for her murder.

Surprise performance tonight was Joey. As an infrequent character and taken away from the incestuous cousin relationship and/or sex symbol for the older teens, Joey is quite likeable as the concerned and caring big brother of Alice. He's clearly concerned at her relationship with Michael and worried for Alice, who's suddenly conflicted by Joey's concern. A Joey thus, would be acceptable to staying.

It's still mind-boggling how many characters tonight are leaving and how many who should be leaving are staying on.

Oh, and the blood on Alice's hand ... Hey, it's Hallowe'en, and, as we've seen at the Beale house, Hallowe'en's the stuff of horror play - slime and fake beheadings and phoney blood.

Michael should know better.

The Beale House of Horror.

What is EastEnders these days without the requisite teen shite? Since when does the likes of Lucy Beale, rising twenty, hang out with that chubby little gigglesnort Flabi the Dough-Faced Girl. I can understand Peter wanting Lola, who looked lovely, around, but Lucy was the gooseberry whilst Danny was shitting himself over the prospect of telling Dot he'd lost her charity money.

One thing on which I'll agree - hairy Cindy the Greek is a nuisance and surplus to requirements. She's clearly an alumna of the Jossa School of Watching the Camera Film MeMeMe, and the sitcom element of trying to get rid of someone who's clearly unwanted in the family dynamic was as contrived as hairy Cindy the Greek and Bella Whatever scaring the older (and not so older) teens.

If Cindy the Greek really wanted to shock the bejesus out of them, she should have just borrowed a moment from The Crying Game when the central character's love interest is revealed to be a male in drag.

Poppy, another departee, was not funny. The line about werewolves being big puppies was just indicative of her idiocy.

Billy the Hero.

Why? Did he hide the money? Or did it somehow find its way into a football sock? Billy's remark about honesty was a joke, right? Because we all know that Billy has a record of stealing not only post, but also charity money from Peggy's charity box.

My guess is that Billy took the money to make Danny look bad and in a snit for not starting him in the game. Then, when he scored a hattrick (in a loss), things looked different, but he still wasn't allotted hero status or respect. That's when Billy remarkably found an envelope of money that moved from someone's jacket to someone's sock.

Danny's now onto Billy, which is essential, as he'll probably be Billy's boss, when Janine leaves.

Pointless drivel.

Odds'n Ends.

I liked Sharon's and Sadie's friendship, but I hope DTC finds it in his heart to remember that Sharon is not a background character. She was brought back for a purpose, and she has miles of potential left, unnecessary child notwithstanding.

And, finally, Roxy looks good as a brunette.

Potentially good episode, ruined by teen and football tripe.

Take a Bow, Mrs B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At times we disagree and we may not be on each other's Christmas card list, but this woman gets EastEnders and understands how it's lost its brand.

Take it away, Nurse Ratchit ... AKA Mrs B:-

Probably in a minority of one here, but I find Steve John Shepherd's performance completely unconvincing. His version of contained menace is all twitches and that peculiar 'blink and you miss it' grin of his. As for his screaming into a cushion, that was borderline hilarious. They've ramped up his supposedly superior vocabulary to heighten his 'weirdness' but none of it is quite hitting the mark. This could have been a chilling tale of how a psychopath uses seduction and power to get a person to agree to murder yet it all feels slightly ludicrous; as if the production is conducting the entire scenario with a knowing wink at the audience. 

I have no idea what the future holds under DTC, but I am praying it is an improvement . When even a supposedly dark storyline seems ridiculous and poorly depicted in every way, it is time for a major reboot.

I presume/hope that Ronnie is deliberately being pitched as a cold hearted, remorseless woman? That she will perhaps take the Michael mantle of strange dissociated person on the Square.  

Has Whitney actually kept her job after referring to a pupil as a 'brat'?!

Bravo! Couldn't have said it better, myself. Thing is, Mrs B and I are the viewers who've watched fom Day One and who are forced to stand on the sideline and watch a formerly brilliant show pander to the lowest common denominator. We're the viewers who see the obvious flaws and dumbing down, but we're also the viewers the show should value.

Instead, we are the viewers TPTB disdain and count as irrelevant.

They'll miss us when we're gone. 

Two for the Price of One

I feel vindicated, especially with Steve John Shepherd's exit interview.

Specifically, this:-

"Michael is a functioning psychopath and he has a clinical lack of empathy. He doesn't really care what you think or feel.

Excellent. SJS knows his character and knows what a "functioning psychopath" is. In fact, he's identified himself as one to Jack and in the same conversation, identified another character on the show as a psychopath.

Ronnie.

In that fabled conversation in the portacabin a few weeks ago, Michael explained, painstakingly, to Jack the reason why he hated Ronnie.

Because I recognise her, she's just like me. She's a functioning psychopath.

Lest anyone be left in any doubt, she revealed this when she threatened Alfie in the last episode, saying she doesn't care what happened in the past. She wouldn't. She has no empathy, or else, she wouldn't even have returned to Walford. She doesn't give a rat's arse about what anyone thinks of her, and she obsesses as much over Roxy as Michael does over Scarlett. That's nothing to do with love, that's control. It was the same with Ronnie and Jack. She thought the only way she could exercise control over Jack was by having his child. Now she's got rid of that particular obsession, Jack was a sex toy and nothing more.

People on the show are making the same excuses for her as they did for Michael, and I want her found out.

Michael knows what she is. It takes one to know one.

Bully Culture - Review: 29.10.2013

Albert Square, the place where bullies and fools are ascendant.

The sense of community is symbolised by football. No one has a nice word to say about anyone else. No one takes responsibility for their actions. Everyone's got an excuse. Everyone's mean to one another. Psychopaths are pitied, pampered and worshipped by people who should know better.

In Walford abused people become abusers. Think about that in connection with Whitney's misbehaviour toward Denny in retaliation for his misbehaviour. Denny is a child of seven, unable to reason. Whitney is an adult in a position of authority and control. As a so-called educational professional who has a duty of care in loco parentis during Denny's school hours, she could, in theory, after her astoundingly viscious, vindictive and cruel verbal meanderings about the child to authorities and to the child's mother, she could so easily be as guilty of abuse - albeit different from the sort she suffered - of a child in her care. 

Even worse than EastEnders' wanton depiction of this incident as a vindication of Whitney, one of the vilest and most entitled characters in the show, are the reactions of several so-called enlightened members of the viewing public - including the insipid ilovenicnacs commentator who purports to work with children but who revels in calling various of them "little gobshites" and is all for corporally punishing Denny, or the increasingly irrelevent bucolic troll vald, another advocate of child abuse, and the example of the lobotomic target audience of EastEnders, xTonix, who can see that Denny is a brat, but won't accept that Whitney the Walford Mattress is the worst sort - because she's an adult who'll bully a child.

Tonight we saw various sorts of bullies at play. Because, even with the positive backroom changes announced today by the Saviour DTC, the show is becoming a cesspit of bullies and chavs.

This is not EastEnders.

The Jackson-Beale-Butchers: The Bullies Relax and Celebrate at Home.

Let me make it abundantly clear: David Beale Wicks doesn't love Carol. She was a quick bunk-up behind the bike sheds which resulted in Bianca. After that, it was just comfort sex - when he was being ostracised by the then-decent Square for bonking his brother's wife, and years later when he was grieving his mother's death, and Carol was willing.

But then, Carol has always been willing, for whoever is male and finds her attractive meat at the moment. Her yougest son's friend, a married recruitment officer, Eddie Moon, a probation officer, Masood, there have been so many.

For all her step-granddaughter has proven to be a right little entitled strumpet in her guise as the Walford Mattress, Carol can be viewed as an old bike. Worse than what she calls herself (a 4 x 4), she's anybody's, really. Sort of a human version of the Dartford Tunnel, shepherding any manner of sexual intercourse from Kent into the bowels of Essex.

She's a great model of morality for her children and her grandchildren, and any success her children might enjoy in life, they do so in spite of and not due to Carol.

Let's be honest: she is an old boot.

David Beale Wicks is a player, a commitment-phobe who hasn't changed in all the years of his life. Witness his first stint on Albert Square. He spent the best part of his time getting out of emotional entanglements with his standard excuse line of "It's what I do."

What he's after now is a permanent home, rent-free, food cooked on the table, the kids as buffers and comfort sex until someone like Roxy Mitchell or Sadie Young or Kirsty Branning catches his eye. 

This is why I can't buy the "grandad" routine. What summed up my disgust was skanky Whitney's smug sugary sweet remark about it being so nice to spend an evening as a family, before adding ...

After all, my job's safe now ...

But of course, if her job hadn't been safe, the family evening wouldn't have been worth it. Equally cheesy was Tiffany, the despicably spoiled child, putting on the sweet sincere face to ask if they could all stay in with Grandad.

Must I point out that Grandad's popularity is relative to the wads of cash he seems to carry about in his pocket and liberally distribute. Remember Whitney didn't warm to David until he crossed her palm with a fistful of money. Because that's what this family is all about - from Whitney robbing the Millers' Lottery ticket to Bianca stealing from the stallholders.

Masood deserves better than a skank like Carol.

The Bully as a Victim.

Can we agree that the one psychopath to remain in the Square - she who confirmed today that she's sticking around to mould the show into The Ronnie Show - is actually a passive-aggressive bullying bitch?

Alfie, the only person concerned with the awful babyswap storyline - you know, the one which doesn't matter because Tommy doesn't remember? - has been cajoled, coerced and passively bullied into accepting Ronnie into his home, inviting her into his home and to his table.

Of course, into all of this, Alfie's been presented as the big bad bugaboo, implying that if someone commits a heinous criminal act against yourself or your person, if there's a soupcon of forgetfulness on the part of the victim, the crime doesn't matter. Alfie's been implored to move on and to move on by embracing the woman who put him through hell for four months.

One side observation ... last night, when Alfie returned, Kat remarked that Alfie couldn't solve his problems by running away, which was absolutely rich coming from her. I seem to recall that the mad dash on instant holiday last year, which the Moons effected, was instigated by Kat in a mad rush to stop Alfie from finding out who Shaggerman was. So Kat ran away from that situation.

I suppose it's what they do - you know,like Grandad Wicks running from commitment when it becomes all too boring.

Of course, Ronnie the Functioninc Psychopath witnesses a bit of banter between Kat and Alfie and saves it for a moment in which to threaten him with whatever should he break Ronnie's heart. Oh, and she doesn't care what's happened before.

This woman is rich. Who the fuck does she think she is? She's invited into the house of the man whose son she kidnapped and kept for four months. She admits that Alfie is marrying soon, but also tries to manipulate Roxy into believing that she's marrying too soon as well.

And that may very well be true, because ... is Roxy really divorced? Sean disappeared on New Year's Day 2009. That's little over three yeas ago. A de facto divorce via abandonment can't be effected until nothing's been heard from the abandoning spouse for seven years. No one knew or knows where Sean is - not Stacey, not Roxy and certainly not even Jean. 

So how can any divorce papers have been served?

This is another instance of EastEnders being sloppy with numbers and facts. Yes, it's damned too soon for Roxy to be marrying again. She needs to either find Sean and wait six months for the decree absolute or wait four more years.

But Ronnie's arrogance beggars belief. It's none of her business what Alfie feels for Roxy. There will always be a bond with Kat because of Tommy and what they endured. Ronnie doesn't give a rat's arse about anyone else. Just ask Joel Reynolds's wife and kids when she broke up his family because of something she wanted.

I hate this bitch.

Yet another manipulative bully who'll be presented as a character for whom we should root.

The Psychopath and His Acolyte.

Right, so Michael becomes increasingly weird, speaking in Zen-like riddles and confusing everyone in the bargain.

It amazes me how pigshit thick people like Kat are, who are snookered into thinking that Michael is a nice person, a lost soul in need of a friend, a good father to Scarlett, when he's nothing of the sort.

Michael's (a)moral dilemma tonight was that he was faced with the fact that, in the absence of Alice the Acolyte, he would have to kill Janine. He would have to seize the moment and drug her coffee or, grab the kitchen knife and plunge it deep into her body.

Janine has learned how to deal with this pathetic human being. She knows everything is a game to him; he even admitted that their marriage and her pregnancy was a game of challenge to him. Oh, but he takes the moral high ground with Scarlett, fancying himself the perfect parent, when she was left in the care of an inexperienced nanny and when he couldn't even speak her name. Notice how he tried to suck Janine into his vortex, likening his lack of a family background to Janines but she wasn't buying it.

Janine may have been pushed from pillar to post, but she knows now, in hindsight, that she always had Pat as a point of reference.

All of this poignant farewell to Kat (You've been a good friend, Kathleen), the lingering gazes at Alfie's and Tommy's pictures wasn't a testimony to a suicide attempt; it was Michael's shit-scared realisation that, in his having to kill Janine, he would ultimately be the prime suspect and would likely be apprehended. He was immersed in self-pity.

And so, we're now asked to believe that Alice the Acolyte is now that mad to have gone right to the police, sat for an hour waiting to make a statement about a man planning to murder his wife, and she suddenly has an epiphany that Derek never loved her, never came looking for her ... errrr, Alice, if you'd care to remember, your father left your mother when she was pregnant and he didn't know, so he didn't know about you, Dipshit.

And because of this brilliant epiphany, she wants to help Michael kill Janine.

Either this woman is incredibly stupid, or she's trapping him.

Blowing Bubbles of Hot Air.

Message to EastEnders: Football is not everyone's religion,and presenting cack-handedly bad storylines about amateur football teams will not get bums on seats.

Since when did Danny Pennant know Dot well enough to call her by her first name? How many times were we exhorted to remember that this charity event was all about "Dot's roof?"

Billy scoring a hattrick? Pull the other one. Billy stealing silly Danny's four grand? Maybe. But then Danny could have stolen it too.

And then there's that other well-known thief - hairy Cindy the Greek.

Please, can she leave now? Not only does she look like a boy in drag, she's also a mouth-breather and she simply has no purpose in the show. Danny was right - she's incredibly annoying, and she's only too aware of the camera being on her hirsute face.

An unnecessary character who thinks too highly of herself.

The highlight of the night was Michael Moon describing sports-clad chavs as common.

Thank goodness this is the last of the abysmal Katie Douglas. Och aye.

An Unlikeable Show Filled with Unlikeable People - Review: 28.10.2013

Hmmm ..  why do I keep thinking of the title of this song when I'm thinking of EastEnders recently?

Because the show's in freefall status at the moment.

It wasn't enough to watch tonight's episode - a Katie Douglas special to herald the opening of a week that's supposed to be the beginning of the end of a quirky psychopathic character, but in reality someone who looks like a pantomime villain compared with Dominic Power's mesmerisingly frightening Cameron Murray - and wonder how bad an incipient episode to a dramatic week could get; it was also the fact that I was totally gobsmacked at the number of characters featuring prominently in tonight's episode who will be gone by the end of this year ... or sometime within the next.

Steve John Shepherd will be gone by the end of the week. So will Jasmyn Banks, who wasn't seen but whose character was often mentioned. Rachel Bright is leaving this year. David Witts will go at Christmas. Phaldut Sharma is leaving too.

Did I miss anyone?

Oh, yes ... Charlie Brooks announced today that she would be leaving in 2014, and whilst the actress was at pains to reiterate that this was yet another "so long" instead of a good-bye, we have to wonder how long a "so long" is. Will she return for the 30th anniversary episode? I think not. It's easy to fathom that NuNuBen Mitchell will be released from prison right about that time and will return to Walford to claim his daughter. Or maybe that episode will see the return of the porcine-featured one-trick-pony known as Stacey Slater. (All the millenials who care nothing about the history of the show beyond Lacey Turner's party piece of wreaking havoc seem to want her back, and her sporadic spree of acting work seems to be drying up after producers found there's only so many ways of playing Stacey Slater with another name).

Maybe Brooks will return in 2016 ... or 2020, if the show is still around, but I think this might be the final bow for one of the finest actresses and one of the most nuanced characters the show has ever seen.

Farewell, Janine Butcher, a multi-leveled character with issues a-plenty. Yes, she was and is a bitch, but unlike the gaggle of entitled, self-pitying bitches who use their personal histories as an excuse to deflect responsibility for bad behaviour, Janine owns her bad behaviour. The local yokels go out of their way to disdain her, citing past bad behaviour when a lot of Janine's behaviour was a reaction to people's frustration at her father's consequences. Janine has trust issues, and it's no wonder. But Janine does look after her own, and we've seen, from tonight, how far her family and so-called friends have their heads stuck firmly up their own arses.

The show will miss her. Viewers will miss her. The blonde psychopathic ice queen with the Michael Jackson facelift and nose job won't compensate for Janine, a real legacy character. RoNostril is a retcon. Saint Kat is no comparison, nor are the chav remnants who will be more Branning than Butcher, including the flame-haired village idiot, who's about to return.

Janine is leaving, possibly not to return. I'm predicting similar announcements from Letitia Dean, whose character has been totally eviscerated, and Diane Parish, who's the latest bedmate of Ian Beale, a surefire kiss of death. She'll sleep with his brother and leave in a taxi.

Ne'mind. We've still got Skanky McGarty and Danny Dire.

Listen sharply, and you'll hear the sound of remotes turning ... off.

Yer So Bad.

At the risk of having a thousand trolls descend on me, I'm going to say it. 

I hate the Jackson-Butchers, every chav one of them, and that includes Carol, and that includes David, who's undergone the requisite character transplant to accommodate and pander to the lowest common denominator of viewer (xTonix) and irrelevant old toad (vald).

Yes, Carol, Janine does have the right to enter her house whenever she chooses to do so. She owns the roof over your head - you know, the roof under which you've spread your legs for Bianca's probation officer, Eddie Moon, Masood and your current non-paying guest and for which you pay a nominal rent. You and your lot have, consequently, treated Janine like a piece of shit since she's done that. She bought the house for your benefit. Had she not, the place would have had to have been sold over your heads to pay off Pat's debts, and you would be left with nothing but a dingy council flat on a sink estate, which is no more than you deserve for your ingratitude.

You're too far up your own self worth to ever notice that Janine is alone and isolated,and that your badly behaved grandchildren are her closest relatives; but then, as your obnoxious granddaughter Tiffany points out, Auntie Janine always comes up with the goods when you smarm her for money.

And David would do well to remember that Janine not only loaned him five hundred quid, she provided the fifteen hundred quid last week which enabled him to buy Max's car stock to sell for his own profit. And there he stood today, wantonly telling her a lie and then chuckling about having learned from Frank that the only way to deal with Janine was to tell her what she wanted to hear - and this, after Janine was so grateful to him for seeming to want to celebrate her birthday. What a cruel bastard, but of course, we're meant to cheer him on because he's now associated with that ascendant family of ChavEnders, the Jackson-Butchers.

And as for the Walford Mattress, Whitney ... yes, Dennis lied, but Whitney didn't come off smelling of roses, and I actually felt sorry for Sharon. Is she a good parent? No, but then, neither are Bianca and Carol. Yes, she is overprotective, but if Carol had an ounce of compassion for anyone outside her own poor white sphere of existence, she'd know that Sharon is utterly alone in this world. David would also know of her history. Throw up Whitney's sexual abuse. Let's throw back the fact that Sharon was rejected by her birth mother twice, that she was used as a buffer between her adoptive parents, who were engaged in an abusive marriage, that she lost her father twice, going fourteen years believing him dead, that she nursed her mother through alcoholism and that she lost her husband to a violent murder.

Throughout this storyline, Whitney's neglected to tell how she openly referred to Dennis within his hearing and to his mother, as "poison," that she cornered him outside the school environment and threatened and bullied him, that she spoke to him abusively within his mother's hearing in a manner that frightened him. Her final behaviour tonight was pukeworthy, smugly telling Sharon to her face that her son was a "lying brat." That's rich, coming from the girl who shook Bobby Beale physically in the street some three years ago for allegedly bullying Tiffany. Tonight, Whitney's smug message conveyed this ...

The school thinks your son's a lying brat.

If that's the case, what a piss poor school. When a child that young has behavioural problems that are sudden in onset - because there were no such problems the previous year with Dennis - then the school makes an effort to find out what's behind this behaviour. They work with the parent, even if the parent is difficult, educators are trained to do this. The child lives in a bed-and-breakfast accommodation. His mother has no relatives, which means he has none. She works nights. She loves him unconditionally, but she's had no friend or relative to aid and advise her on the parameters of parenting. If the school is ready, as its smug spokesperson Whitney is so quick to impart, to write Dennis off as a "lying brat," then what hope is there for such people in society.

Way to go, EastEnders. Write a kid off at seven as a loser.

And who the fuck is David Beale Wicks to order Sharon to get her coffee elsewhere when his estranged brother owns the cafe and determines who's served there?

The Jackson-Butchers are not the pillars of society. If anyone would care to remember, Alan Jackson, whilst helping on the Beale's veg stall, found the pension money that David's Auntie Nellie had dropped. Alan wanted to return it, but Carol took the pension money and bought enough food for a slap-up Sunday lunch, reckoning that they were "entitled" to it. Alan paid the sum back to Nellie out of his own wages.

So that's the type of person Carol is, and I'm disappointed in David's head being stuck up his arse.

Total Shit.

So the babyswap has been made totally irrelevant now. Ronnie's the victim again. Poor her. Boo-hoo.

Before I comment, just an observation: Amy turns five next month. Presumably, she's in the entry class at the local school. Yet she looks about the size of a three year-old and Roxy's constantly carrying her about in her arms. Lest you forget, Amy was born in November 2008, making her five next month.

It seems Roxy's and Alfie's agreement is to stay away from the people causing stress in their relationship. First of all, Alfie's reaction to Ronnie is totally normal. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Alfie never denied Roxy could see her sister. He just told her he didn't want to see Ronnie in his home, after her having done what she did. The very first thing he encountered was Ronnie, upstairs in his flat, with Tommy, having a laugh with Roxy. That's what drove him to deny her access to her sister, and that's what led her to continue to lie to him.

It seems that Roxy's demands are that Alfie have nothing to do with Kat, which is an entirely different thing altogether - Alfie and Kat have a child. They have as big a bond as Roxy and her psychopathic sister. But Alfie has never lied to Roxy about seeing Kat.

The dynamic between Roxy and Ronnie is as creepy as that of Michael and Alice, and - at least on Ronnie's part - I think it's definitely psycho-sexual. Ronnie has interfered in every sort of adult relationship Roxy's had - accusing Damien of sexually assaulting her and goading Sean into hitting her. If Roxy's in a relationship and Ronnie's not, then Ronnie acts out and makes trouble because Roxy, fully integrated into a real relationship, is less susceptible to Ronnie's control mechanism.

Let's refresh our memories with Ronnie's abysmally self-obsessed bad behaviour at Amy's christening. Becausse it's all about Ronnie.

This whole glossing over of what was a torturous story, which was difficult to watch and which, inadvertantly, made the male characters more sympathetic than the female participants, is pathetic. Yes, a lot of people turned off during the babyswap, who haven't turned back on again. But showing people that, unrealistically, a woman whose baby was stolen for four months and who was left a dead child in its place, can sit down, have a laugh and a drink with the woman who not only made her life hell, but also who told authorities that the victims of this crime meant nothing to her and thereby negate the awful trash television storyline is totally an insult to the viewers' intelligence and blatant pandering to the fangirls who worship at the altar of Ronnie.

I want someone to tell me that they would forgive someone who took their child for months and left a dead baby in its place. Because that wouldn't happen. Not ever. And certainly not from someone like Kat Moon. That she lectured Alfie on his actions being wrong is just shit,pure shit, and it's yet another example of the blatant pushing of the pejorative male image abundant in EastEnders.

Think about this: Can you imagine Phil Mitchell or Max Branning forgiving the woman who'd put them through hell by snatching their child?

So Ronnie's now fully redeemed, with Alfie inviting her to the wedding. Everyone's happy. The babyswap didn't happen because Tommy didn't remember it. That makes everything OK, then, doesn't it? Because even if Tommy doesn't remember it, his parents will. After all, it was Kat who stood up in court and told everyone how she had to take Tommy even with her to use the toilet, because she couldn't stand him out of her sight after what happened.

Understand that this has to be done because, after all, this is The Ronnie Show. And what's EastEnders without the resident psychopath?

Oh, and poor Ronnie's in bits about Jack leaving, when she was the bitch who drove him away.

PsychoCamp.

Michael's a nice guy ... not.

But as his end nears, he becomes more and more camp, especially seated on his leather throne in the old Slater household like a Hammer House of Horror vampire, complet with Nosferatu pointed ears ...

Not just on the leather chair either. Seated on the couch, doing nothing. I mean, doesn't he have a boxing club to run? Danny doesn't seem to be doing it - he's too busy organising another epic fail of a football story; so who's minding the shop?

I doubt Michael cares, because he's out of control of a situation and that's about to panic him. His "acolyte" is missing, after realising that he wanted her to do his dirty work and pay for it, whilst he absconded. The irony of this storyline tonight saw David Witts, oddly, give his best performance. Like Scott Maslen, David Witts was never a romantic lead, nor did he have the least iota of chemistry with any of the dippy girls with whom he was paired; but he gave a decent performance this evening of a brother concerned with the whereabouts of his sister, siphoning through Michael's obvious lies.

Where is Alice? That's the question he has to answer, and he has to try to use his failing charm on people whom he'd openly disdained, like Poopy-La-Dim, who has seen through his personality since the beginning. Line of the night goes to her:-

Because how long has it been, Michael since you've thought to ask about me or walk me to work? Like never?

I liked how she called him out for being a creep. That struck home, as did Tamwar's reaction.

Tamwar. My name is Tamwar. My friends call me Tam, and you're not a friend.

I'm glad he's succinct in telling Michael that he was no longer involved with Alice and why.

Michael is worried about Alice in the only context that she will be the one, he hopes, who'll commit  his crime for him.

He thinks he's got Janine on the ropes, remembering that this was her birthday. The scene where he was filling out her card was the best of the episode - so much anger emanating from Michael and the way he was addressing her card, speaking aloud through clenched teeth:-

To my wife on her birthday, Love Michael.

Equally amusing was Janine's facial expression when Michael turned his back after she invited him to dinner for the next day.

As for Janine, once again, her ungrateful relatives who sponge off her good will in the Butcher household and Billy, another idiot whom she's financed and who repaid her good will by robbing her blind a couple of years ago, think far too much of themselves than to even remember Janine's birthday.

Funny, three years ago, Billy, who was unemployed, remembered Janine's birthday with a card he could ill afford. Now, football is more important. Janine could have had his arse hauled to jail for credit card fraud a couple of years back.

Unlikeable character. Unlikeable soap. Unlikeable writer.

Where's the hope?

The Shallow Show for Shallow People - Review: 25.10.2013

Daniel Coonan's leaving, and he's singing like a bird. Coonan, who had a short shelf life as Carl White, is a Hackney lad, member of the RSC, who's watched EastEnders from the get go.

What he says has bearing, because people like Coonan, long-time viewers, seem to "get" EastEnders in a way the current crew - since EastEnders 2.0 began in earnest in 2006 - don't.

Add to this that Coonan, a long-time viewer, is also a highly trained classical actor.

Coonan bemoans the fact that EastEnders no longer sports a real bad guy, but his comment confused a lot of viewers because in the next breath, he mentioned that the show was in dire need of someone like Frank Butcher.

But wait ... Frank was never a bad guy. True, but he wasn't a good one entirely either.

And this is what Coonan means ... From the beginning, the show was fronted by an Alpha male figure - not one hundred per cent good, but not really dodgy bad either. This man fronted the centrepiece of the show - meaning, he was landlord of the Vic. Think Den Watts, who was locked in an abusive, loveless marriage, a serial philanderer with a penchant for young girls who were barely legal. His one saving grace was his love for his adopted child, Sharon.

Or Frank. Frank was a man who fell head-over-heels in love with Pat when they were both youngsters, and he was engaged to June, whom he married. June died, leaving him with three young children, the youngest of whom he farmed out repeatedly. Frank was larger than life, but he didn't know when to stop spreading himself thin, and when the going got tough, Frank got going, abandoning a family to fend for themselves. He left Pat in debt and in danger of losing their house, and he embezzled from Peggy.

Or the Mitchell brothers, with their long association of familial violence and alcohol abuse. Grant was an abusive husband to Sharon, who sought sexual solace with Phil, who loved her.

But the thing about all of these men was that, whilst they may have done despicable things, they were also capable of great kindness and compassion.

The word here is "nuanced."

It can be argued that the last nuanced person like this was Steve Owen, the edgy nightclub owner who stood in opposition to Phil Mitchell in the Square, in the wake of Grant's leaving. We knew Steve could be dark, and he certainly came from an abusive background, but Mel was his redemption.

I think Harwood, with Max Branning, and Santer, with Jack Branning, attempted the nuanced bit, but somewhere along the way, this got lost, so what we got was a serial adulterer locked in a dysfunctional relationship who easily makes do with whatever woman is on hand, and a plank of wood.

Carl White actually had some potential to be such a nuanced character. We knew enough of his background to know his mother was a hard piece of work, his father was weak, and both boys were caught up in the drugs' game. Plenty of backstory there, but TPTB gave up, especially the latest Messiah, and Carl is simply there biding time, amongst a myriad of other characters on whom we've given up because they're either simply too unlikeable or they're leaving.

Ne'mind. It's too tedious to comprehend complexities of personality. Things are so much easier in black and white, and that's the message the show is conveying.

A Girl with Your History.

"A girl with your history ..."

Nice one, Carol. You hit a real winner there, out of the park. Not.

Of course, Carol, you'd be more than aware of Sharon's history, which is damned sight more tragic or just as much so, as any of your motley brood.

Of course, Carol, you were there, dancing with Alan, the night of the Sharongate reveal ...

Of course, Carol, you were part of the great shunning of Sharon in the wake of that reveal, the only people not following the lead dictated by the Mitchells and Kathy being Michelle Fowler and David Beale's mother, Pat.

Of course, Carol, you would know all about shunning and punishment, because you did as much to three of your children - Bianca, for bonking your umpteenth fiance, the fifth man by whom you would have had as many children; Sonya, for daring to put a child up for adoption so she could follow a career dream and so the child would have a better life than she could give her; and Robbie, for failing to stop Sonya from doing that.

When your oldest daughter was on the street with young children and homeless, you put the phone down on her.

So, yes, Carol, how big it was of you to remind Sharon that, apart from Dennis, she was really and truly alone. Did you know how she'd nursed her mother through the last throes of alcoholism? Did you know how she lost her father twice? Or how her husband was murdered when she was pregnant with his child?

So that remark was well out of order, the remark about there being three of the here and three at home. And, yes, it was nice of David to remember that Sharon, being a mother, would be inclined to believe her child. Just look behind the bar at Kat Moon for evidence of what happens when a mother (Viv) doesn't believe a child is being hurt by an adult.

Once again, Sharon would be well within her rights to report this sort of bullying and intimidating behaviour by the family of the woman who's bullied and threatened her son in public.

That's another thing Carol should remember too - that Whitney can be very select and economical with the truth, when it concerns her.

Case in point, see below ...

As you can see from the first clip, Whitney was offering it to Connor on a plate. But by the time the second clip comes around, and she finds out that Connor had been bonking Walford's most promiscuous granny, Nana Carol, she's changed her tune. Now it's big bad Connor.

Whitney's neglected to tell either David or Carol what she's actually done regarding this incident with Dennis. Yes, the child lied, but Whitney didn't do herself any favours by calling him poison in front of his mother and by speaking to him as if he were a piece of shit on the playground the first day. Add to that, her negligence in duty of care when he hurt himself and her bullying and threatening him outside of the school dynamic in a way that can only frighten a child - not once, but twice, the last time within earshot of Ava the Magic Negro, who's duty-bound to tell the authorities what she heard and how she observed Whitney's bad behaviour.

Same old same old with the Walford Mattress. Please note that the one thing which swayed Whitney onto Team David was when he handed her a fistful of money. As Carol says, "money doesn't solve everything," but when you're a chav slut like Whitney, it's all that matters.

David's bought his way into this family situation. Let's see how long it is before he's chasing after a woman who doesn't have a neck and decolletage like raw skinned chicken.

The Clueless Beales.

Operation Make-Denise-Feel-a-Part-of-the-Beale-Family-Whilst-She's-Being-Snookered.

Because she's being snookered from both sides now. Ian's lying to her about his lie for Carl, and Cindy's snookered her into an entire new wardrobe at Ian's expense.

By the way, has it been conveniently forgotten that Cindy scammed £10,000 from Phil Mitchell?

I don't like hairy Cindy the Greek, and I don't feel she has any part in the real Beale dynamic. She simply isn't a Beale, and Ian handed her upbringing over to Cindy's mother and her weird sister. Why is she here? She's a minor. She's fourteen, so there would have to be some legal transfer of parental authority to Ian, such as making him her legal guardian.

I mean what if she cuts herself shaving in the morning, catches her balls in the zip of her trousers hurts herself and has to go to hospital, does Ian have the guardian authority to sign surgical treatment forms on her behalf?

So all the time Ian's paying the little bitch a tenner to hide his lies to Denise,Denise is playing the good cop who wants to be liked and suggests a whole new wardrobe at Ian's expense, because that's what it's all about, innit? It's how you look and how pretty you are, your character doesn't count. That's the message of EastEnders these days.

Of course, Denise will find out she's been doubly snookered. The Brannings' legal bills won't go away, and hairy Cindy the Greek mouthbreather has ten grand ferreted away, which will be handed over in due course, which Denise will find out about and also about Ian's monumental lie.

Why do I see a black taxi for Denise looming on the horizon?

Doesn't this just about sum up EastEnders?

Somebody's Not Comfortably Numb.

Here's an honest question: I know Lunazepam is a made-up drug, but it's clear from the website that it's a pharmaceutical available on prescription. Yes, you can order drugs online, but the websites usually ask for proof of a repeat prescription - the number on your repeat script - before dispensing drugs, so how in the hell were these drugs ordered?

EastEnders, you got some 'splainin' to do.

So now we know what we've all suspected - that Michael will send Alice blithely off to "drug" Janine, leaving a bottle of pills by her bedside, telling Alice that Janine will "think" she took a load of them, when in reality, he's setting Alice up to kill Janine,and planting all the evidence on her - whilst he scarpers, ostensibly with Scarlett.

Hang on ... is Alice that stupid to think Janine is that stupid? If this were a simple drugging, Janine would know full well that she never ordered nor was she prescribed sleeping tablets.

Alice is deluded about Michael, but she is still possessive of enough conscience to respond to a call from her brother, whom she thinks that, after tonight, she'll never see again. (Note: the writer's insistence on referring to Joey as "monkey-boy" allegedly received a fair number of complaints of a racist nature).

Even moreso, she's caught in a fit of conscience at Janine's, especially after that grand Charlie Brooks soliloquy ruminating on her past and, in particular, her marriage to Barry and the fact that Barry really loved her. I would say, however, that I didn't think her second "marriage" to the elderly David was even a marriage. I thought he died before the ceremony was complete.

Another thing that aided Alice's fit of conscience was opening the locket Janine had received in the post, and which Michael had taken mistakenly. It was a gift, obviously from Diane, with a picture of a toddler Janine and a young Diane inside.

I loved Brooks's assessment of her marriage to Michael. She may have loved him once, but she realises now he never loved her, although I would debate her assessment that Michael doesn't love anyone but Scarlett and that he doesn't love himself. I would say that Scarlett is his obsession, the one true human who's a blank slate and whom he's got the opportunity to mould into his own image; and I would say that the only person that Michael does love is himself.

The final scene was purely a revelation that Michael Moon is a functioning psychopath. When he loses control of a situation, he lashes out and reveals his true condescension and disdain for the person whom he's been targeting, in this instance, Alice.

Alice will do just about anything for Michael, but she won't murder. She does recognise that not only is Janine Scarlett's mother (although she was willing to spirit her away), but she's most likely realised that it would be her arse that would rot in prison for this offence. I would hope she would have been appalled by Michael's reaction to her discovery of his indended murder, if only by his choice of words - the fact that murder was brilliant or that he referred to Janine, the mother of his child as "the animal."

That was chilling enough, and I would hope all those clueless little girls begging for a boyfriend like Michael would now realise that you seldom get out of a relationship like that alive.

When all else fails ... (Line of the night, displaying Michael's psychopathy) ...

You're my acolyte!

he resorts to pure insult, but the kind that transfers what his father actually thinks of him to the situation between Alice and Derek - that she's pathetic. (One year on, and Derek is still with us).

Michael's scream of rage at the end may have been OTT, compared to Dominic Power's brilliant end to Cameron Murray on Emmerdale a week ago, but it was befitting the instant rage of a psychopath.

It's just a shame that the show is so fucked up now on all fronts that this won't get the proper viewing figures it deserves, but then, the rest of the show, as evidenced in this episode is, as I said, fucked up.

Poverty, Thy Name Is Branning.

Last year, it was the Butcher-Jacksons, this year, we're all meant to feel sorry for the poor, collagened, boob-enhanced and fat daughters of Max Branning as they struggle to make ends meet whilst their father is unjustly imprisoned.

Does anyone feel sorry for them? How about the performance of ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS ...

I mean, I keep expecting her to burst into Fantine's lament from Les Miserables ...

She's the heroine of the piece, dontcha know? Another of Newman's cack-handedly obvious redemption assignments, whilst the only iconic and original female character left in the show is rendered totally contemptible. Still Lauren is the right side of forty, the right size and pretty in a cosmetically enhanced way, so she's the go-to girl who counts.

And please, how out of order is Cora the Hag-with-the-Fag? She offers nothing to that household, and - by rights - Max Branning should have kicked her skanky old putrid arse out. Yes, she's the children's grandmother, but when Tanya left them with her earlier this year, she used the household money to buy booze and fags. When Abi was left with her when Tanya and Lauren left, she bought no food but partied with Patrick.

Now, she's shouting the odds and dictating to Kirsty, even accusing her of stealing money after berating Lauren for selling off the car lot stuff. Hey ... wait ... she sold the stock for £1500. There was £1400 in the tin at the Branning house, and Joey was splashing out on drinks at the Vic. Am I to assume that Lauren only granted Joey one hundred quid commission?

I couldn't help but notice how many departing characters are now getting dialogue beyond their wildest dreams and for no reason.

Billy and Kat.

Says a lot when the banter between Billy and Kat is one of the highlights of a dire episode. Kat calling Billy "Stumpy" and Billy's eulogy about suffering for football was really quite amusing. Just.