Nosferatu the Camp Vamp - Review: 31.10.2013

Remind you of anyone?

Let's have a close-up ...

It's the ears. Nosferatu. Michael Moon with British teeth.

I always said Moon reminded me of a bloodless vampire, a walking cadaver.

And I felt utterly vindicated today when Steve John Shepherd openly stated today in an interview that Michael Moon was a functioning psychopath and added the prime characteristic of a psychopath as evidence of this - the singular lack of empathy. Michael, he explained, doesn't care anything about anyone. There is no love for Scarlett. There's obsession.

Lest we forget, the character of Michael Moon identified himself as a functioning psychopath, by means of explaining to Jack that Jack's ex-wife was, herself, just like him - in other words (his words) a functioning psychopath.

That would mean that Ronnie shows no empathy - she doesn't, as evidenced in final scene with Alfie on Tuesday night. And she doesn't love Roxy; she's psycho-sexually obsessed.

One psychopath departs, another remains.

Sinister Swansong ...

Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells" notwithstanding, which will forever be associated with The Exorcist, it was a stroke of genius, on someone's part, that the signature piece of music dominating this storyline was Schubert's Schwanengesang - translation: Swansong.

For the Luddites found on Digital Spy cesspool and Walford Web Bullyboy Emporium, and especially for xTonix, who thinks "patriarch" is a made-up word, a swansong is a final gesture, effort or performance given immediately prior to one's death or retirement. In this case, it's the former.

The audience knows Michael is going to die, because we've all been told that Steve John Shepherd is leaving, and that his character is being killed off. Many of the Michael-shippers will interpret this as Michael knowing that somehow this would be his end, and he would eventually offer himself as a sacrificial lamb for the good of his daughter Scarlett,

(Sigh) ... it's disheartening how many people will go to the greatest length to defend reprobate people who deserve no defence. Psychopaths are incurable, and if they channel their psychopathy into pejorative measures, there's no hope for them. They simply cannot be helped.

Michael isn't sacrificing himself for anyone. His swansong related entirely to Janine. This would be Janine's final performance.  Was he frightened? No. He was, as he said to Alice, raging inside, and I believe that. The outburst in Monday's episode, the screaming into the cushion on Tuesday, every action is brilliantly evocative of psychopathic behaviour.

The vomiting scene at the beginning of the programme wasn't Michael being nervous or uncertain or even Michael showing some sort of nervous reluctance to follow through with the act, or even remorse at sacrificing Alice, because that's exactly what he's doing. It was an eruption of the rage within, his impatience to be rid of Janine, who isn't playing along with his games.

Janine has trust issues, and Michael's treatment of her last year compounded those issues. She's wary of Michael. 

The episode was rife with camp irony - Janine speculating about dressing up as a witch on Hallowe'en. She's suspicious of Michael's motives, especially his assertions that he wants to salvage their relationship. Before that, the scene where the camera pans out on Michael as we hear Janine's voice reading about Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, which would be Big Bad Michael.

Also, whoever wrote and directed this, relished the scenes of Nosferatu MIchael,seated in his leather chair of power.

There was an air of finality to his scenes, especially with Alfie. Of course, the audience knew and might be hoping that these scenes of farewell meant Michael was prepared to die. No, it didn't. 

This is an elaborate double ruse. Michael is setting Alice up. All his promises of having a new life with her and Scarlett, being a family, right down to the assertion tonight that, with Janine dead, they could even stay in Walford, which is a lot of bunkum. If Alice were to successfully murder Janine, Michael wouldn't be seen for dust, and Alice would be left to cop the blame.

But Alice is setting Michael up too. Because she's going to reveal to Janine just what Michael is planning to do. Wherever she was for two days, Alice was putting together a plan to foil MIchael, and part of that plan was to return ready to do his bidding.

Maybe Alice isn't so dumb after all.

Interesting interaction between Michael and Alfie, from Alfie's reluctance to have Michael attend the Hallowe'en bash. for fear of him mouthing off, to Michael's attempting to extend the hand of friendship to Alfie, wanting to know if they could be "mates" (after Michael's ultimate deception) and even telling Alfie he thought him to be the best of the Moons. Michael fully expected to be leaving Walford that night, alive, with his wife dead and Alice in custody for her murder.

Surprise performance tonight was Joey. As an infrequent character and taken away from the incestuous cousin relationship and/or sex symbol for the older teens, Joey is quite likeable as the concerned and caring big brother of Alice. He's clearly concerned at her relationship with Michael and worried for Alice, who's suddenly conflicted by Joey's concern. A Joey thus, would be acceptable to staying.

It's still mind-boggling how many characters tonight are leaving and how many who should be leaving are staying on.

Oh, and the blood on Alice's hand ... Hey, it's Hallowe'en, and, as we've seen at the Beale house, Hallowe'en's the stuff of horror play - slime and fake beheadings and phoney blood.

Michael should know better.

The Beale House of Horror.

What is EastEnders these days without the requisite teen shite? Since when does the likes of Lucy Beale, rising twenty, hang out with that chubby little gigglesnort Flabi the Dough-Faced Girl. I can understand Peter wanting Lola, who looked lovely, around, but Lucy was the gooseberry whilst Danny was shitting himself over the prospect of telling Dot he'd lost her charity money.

One thing on which I'll agree - hairy Cindy the Greek is a nuisance and surplus to requirements. She's clearly an alumna of the Jossa School of Watching the Camera Film MeMeMe, and the sitcom element of trying to get rid of someone who's clearly unwanted in the family dynamic was as contrived as hairy Cindy the Greek and Bella Whatever scaring the older (and not so older) teens.

If Cindy the Greek really wanted to shock the bejesus out of them, she should have just borrowed a moment from The Crying Game when the central character's love interest is revealed to be a male in drag.

Poppy, another departee, was not funny. The line about werewolves being big puppies was just indicative of her idiocy.

Billy the Hero.

Why? Did he hide the money? Or did it somehow find its way into a football sock? Billy's remark about honesty was a joke, right? Because we all know that Billy has a record of stealing not only post, but also charity money from Peggy's charity box.

My guess is that Billy took the money to make Danny look bad and in a snit for not starting him in the game. Then, when he scored a hattrick (in a loss), things looked different, but he still wasn't allotted hero status or respect. That's when Billy remarkably found an envelope of money that moved from someone's jacket to someone's sock.

Danny's now onto Billy, which is essential, as he'll probably be Billy's boss, when Janine leaves.

Pointless drivel.

Odds'n Ends.

I liked Sharon's and Sadie's friendship, but I hope DTC finds it in his heart to remember that Sharon is not a background character. She was brought back for a purpose, and she has miles of potential left, unnecessary child notwithstanding.

And, finally, Roxy looks good as a brunette.

Potentially good episode, ruined by teen and football tripe.