Apologies for the tardiness in reviews this week. First, there was a new puppy to welcome into the household, then there was the news that Danny Dyer was joining the cast of EastEnders as the landlord of the Queen Vic.
Then there was a thunderstorm, as if to emphasise my feelings about Dyer's inclusion in the cast.
I'm not happy about it, and what's the most unusua thing is seeing peope who, four years ago, when Dyer was first approached about joining the cast, when the rumour flew out the window, viewers responded with a resounding groan at the thought. Now, many of those people are welcoming this git with open arms, as if he's the saviour of the moment.
I know the show's in a sorry state, but Dyer is not the answer. As someone on Walford Web Bullyboi Emporium rightly pointed out, this is a stunt casting, and stunt castings always end in tears. Think Michelle Collins in Coronation Street. Think Anthony Newley, who was cast in EastEnders for a couple of episodes before he died (in real life). Think David Essex.
Dyer is actually a one-trick pony of a bad actor, something the show doesn't need right now. One thing he isn't, as some misguided soul on Digital Spy sought to point out (and there are so many misguided souls on that forum), is a major film star.
He simply isn't.
Gary Oldman, brother of Laila Morse, joining the EastEnders' cast is a major film star. Robert Carlyle joining the cast is a major film star. Hugh Grant joining the cast is a major film star. Robert Pattison or someone of the ilk of Dominic West is a major film star. Hell, even the original diamond geezer, himself, Ray Winstone, rumoured a decade ago to be joining in the role of Sonia's father, would be a major major film star.
But Danny Dyer?
No.
He's not a diamond geezer, although he likes to pretend that he is. He's not even a geezer. He's just a rat-faced, pot-bellied common-and-garden cartoonish oiker with a foul mouth, who happens to be a misogynist. Some say he's also a gay icon, which would explain a lot in casting him anyway, as the show seems to be pandering to the fanboi base and sad adolescents of lower intelligence.
The description of his character makes him sound like DTC's version of Alfie Moon - cheeky, chirpy Cockney family man, swanning about the house in a silk dressing gown. The wife sounds like an earther version of dippy Honey Mitchell, whom DTC (in a former life) axed as not belonging in EastEnders.
I know Alfie's tenure in the Vic has been difficult this time, but that's not Shane Richie's fault. It's the fault of Bryan Kirkwood, who collectively ruined Alfie and Kat as characters. It's the fault of Lorraine Newman and her treatmet, as well, of the pair. And it's the fault of a poor writing room, for writing Alfie Moon as Shane Richie - the height of lazy writing.
As for the new central conglomerate of Carters who will take centre stage around the gobby, miserable, rough-hewn bitch known as Shirley and her carbon copy sister, be careful what you wish for. This lot are set to be DTC's Brannings - another gaggle of mouthy, co-dependent women and weak, gormless men, shouting the odds - characters you haven't seen in that part of London in half a century. Dereks of a different type.
Dyer's character, Mick Carter (pronounced Cah'urgh) is 38 and has been married to his wife for 20 years. Twenty years. That's 1993. Who, in their right mind, working class or not, married at eighteen, especially a man, in 1993? For thirty years now, people of all classes have been marrying later and later. This is a couple from the Fifties transplanted to the 21st Century, which shows how grounded in reality this show is.
It's enough to make a long-term viewer turn off.
I just may. And I won't be the only one, I daresay.
For Danny Dire:-
Rubber Balls.
Ladies and gentlemen, David Beale Wicks, the man with the rubber balls. Beat'im up, kick'im in'em and he'll bounce right back up, usually landing somewhere in the vicinity of Carol Jackson, if he's physically or emotionally bruised because he knows what a mug she is.
Has Walford stopped gossiping? Or has the fact that Carol is now Dot's step-daughter given her a skein of protection to stop the local yokels from blathering about her past? You'd think Masood would have known of her track record. Being a Muslim, you'd have thought he would have cared. And at her age and with her wealth of experience at being snookered again and again by David, you'd think she would know better.
The truth for David is that he has nowhere to go, and Carol is living with his daughter and grandchildren in his mother's house, which is owned by his step-sister. So, in his usual entitled way, David feels that he may as well stay there; but first, he has to get his feet under the table, and the easiest way to do that is to charm the youngest (and most obnoxious) grandchildren - the awful Tiffany, who's desperately trying to be cute and failing miserably, and Mowgan Le Fat, whose table manners are atrocious. Chicken nuggets and pasta should not be on his dietary plan. Has EastEnders not heard of childhood obesity? Have the real-life parents of this child not heard of this?
David knows Walford. He has family there - some who aren't so enamoured of seeing him - and he figures that he may as well stay and stay with Carol; so his first objective is to rattle Masood. And he knows just how he can manipulate Carol, by appealing to their commonground - their common and garden Village Idiot retard daughter Bianca. (Does David know she's had a lobotomy since he was last around?)
This is the funniness of those teenaged love affairs coming home to roost - Billy Mitchell, a great-grandfather in his fifties, David Beale Wicks looking more the age of Tiff's, Morgan's and Liam's dad than grandfather.
One of the highlights of tonight's episode was the scene between David and Sharon. Although they had little interaction during his past stint in the 1990s, including this scene, which is a precursor to David's return episode this time around and features Sharon in red, Grant with hair and David with a mullet.
I know that scene was a sop to the long-term viewers, but it was rife with continuity - Sharon's first serious boyfriend was Simon Wicks, who betrayed her with Cindy, and she and David knew each other way back when she was Sharon Mitchell. No retconning here, as with her and Janine, David's step-sister for whom she and Simon used to babysit.
The writer for this episode was a new name, and this person seemed to get the characters of David, Sharon and even Sharon's interaction with Dot down perfectly.
Another good piece of continuity was Peter apprising Liam and Whitney of David's past actions - yet once again, it's not mentioned, by Peter or anyone, of David's relation to Ian. David is Peter's uncle. Of course, he'd have known the whole story of David's affair with Cindy, his efforts to help her escape to Milan with Steven and Peter, and his abandoning of their affair. Peter would also know of the emotional devastation this caused Ian. Peter would also have heard from Ian of David's sleeping with Simon's wife subsequently as well.
A lot of people have trouble understanding why Whitney and Liam would not have known this, but I don't. David is Bianca's father, for what it's worth. There are some dark family secrets that are kept from children for ages, although Whitney had no right to take the moral high ground and call David out for his sins, especially in front of Morgan and Tiffany.
That girl is really insufferable.
Yet by the time of the duff-duffs, we see David's achieved his manipulative goal of getting Carol to let him stay. The look on his face should have told the intelligent viewer that David doesn't love Granny Carol, with her salt-of-the-earth ways, her perpetually openlegs heart, and her chicken skin neck; but she's a body to warm Pat's bed until he finds a younger, more willing model.
Hambone
Dot's back on the ham again - not the stuff she accused Cora of stealing, but the hammy acting. June Brown was in head-bobbing heaven tonight in what was supposed to be a comic vignette, but which served to show that in her own self-righteous way, Dot is as bad as Sharon.
So many of the resident Sharon-haters look for every opportunity to nitpick every slight or comeuppance they reckon this badly-written version of Sharon deserves. People who have watched the show from the getgo will easily see that Sharon suffered this time around from extremely bad writing, from being plopped amidst a gaggle of characters whom she didn't know simply to feed the vanity of a writer who wanted to justify the existence of an over-large family of his own creation long past their sell-by date; whereas Ronnie's and David's returns surrounded them in the midst of people with whom they were heretofore associated.
Dot can be self-righteous, arrogant, proud, vain and selfish - all the time attesting to her Christian virtues. And she was all of that tonight, basking in taking credit for Sharon's ideas and volunteering Sharon, basically, to do her fundraising role because Sharon "doesn't work during the day." Well, we know that she does, and even if she didn't, she would have to sleep.
Good assessment of Dot on David Wicks, however, that whilst she liked him, she didn't trust him; but surely Dot was living with Nick, Ashley and Ashley's mother when David was on the Square in the 1990s?
Poop-Deck Papping.
So it's finally established what I sussed long ago about Poopy-La-Dim - she's a passive aggressive bully and shallow as hell. That may explain why she's a favourite with so many bullybois.
Poopy has always been like this - tactless, rude, selfish - but clever enough to hide it behind a perpetually smiling and falsly nice facade. Remember how she landed Lola in trouble at the Salon? She's always been a fast-talking little oiker, managing to get her way only by talking faster and louder than the person to whom she's talking.
Look at the many times she's upstaged Dot in her own home, belittling her about her age and mannerisms, always under the pretence of dimwitted, well-meaning niceness. We've seen her literally push Dot out of her home for the evening in order to turn the place over to Tamwar and Alice, as a proect in Poopy's fairytale BarbieGirl romance world.
Now, she's as materialistic as she is shallow, pushing her ideas onto Fatboy without any consideration for what he wants. (Although, I must say Fatboy's cackle reminds me of something stereotypical from the era of shucking and jiving. Like something from the save quarters in Gone with the Wind.)
Another good piece of consistency was this writer's remembering Fatboy's and Peter's friendship from the past, with Peter sensing what Poopy was doing to Fatboy and encouraging him to stand up to her and tell her what he wanted.
Once again, we got to see Poopy's bullying side, determining Fatboy's actions in life - i.e., giving up drinking so she could have the house that she wanted near her parents. I hate how she witters on about nothing and how she's got everything planned out. She's nothing more than a whopping big spoiled brat, and I'll be glad to see the ass-end of her. Awful character and an insult to women.
Not a bad episode.
Then there was a thunderstorm, as if to emphasise my feelings about Dyer's inclusion in the cast.
I'm not happy about it, and what's the most unusua thing is seeing peope who, four years ago, when Dyer was first approached about joining the cast, when the rumour flew out the window, viewers responded with a resounding groan at the thought. Now, many of those people are welcoming this git with open arms, as if he's the saviour of the moment.
I know the show's in a sorry state, but Dyer is not the answer. As someone on Walford Web Bullyboi Emporium rightly pointed out, this is a stunt casting, and stunt castings always end in tears. Think Michelle Collins in Coronation Street. Think Anthony Newley, who was cast in EastEnders for a couple of episodes before he died (in real life). Think David Essex.
Dyer is actually a one-trick pony of a bad actor, something the show doesn't need right now. One thing he isn't, as some misguided soul on Digital Spy sought to point out (and there are so many misguided souls on that forum), is a major film star.
He simply isn't.
Gary Oldman, brother of Laila Morse, joining the EastEnders' cast is a major film star. Robert Carlyle joining the cast is a major film star. Hugh Grant joining the cast is a major film star. Robert Pattison or someone of the ilk of Dominic West is a major film star. Hell, even the original diamond geezer, himself, Ray Winstone, rumoured a decade ago to be joining in the role of Sonia's father, would be a major major film star.
But Danny Dyer?
No.
He's not a diamond geezer, although he likes to pretend that he is. He's not even a geezer. He's just a rat-faced, pot-bellied common-and-garden cartoonish oiker with a foul mouth, who happens to be a misogynist. Some say he's also a gay icon, which would explain a lot in casting him anyway, as the show seems to be pandering to the fanboi base and sad adolescents of lower intelligence.
The description of his character makes him sound like DTC's version of Alfie Moon - cheeky, chirpy Cockney family man, swanning about the house in a silk dressing gown. The wife sounds like an earther version of dippy Honey Mitchell, whom DTC (in a former life) axed as not belonging in EastEnders.
I know Alfie's tenure in the Vic has been difficult this time, but that's not Shane Richie's fault. It's the fault of Bryan Kirkwood, who collectively ruined Alfie and Kat as characters. It's the fault of Lorraine Newman and her treatmet, as well, of the pair. And it's the fault of a poor writing room, for writing Alfie Moon as Shane Richie - the height of lazy writing.
As for the new central conglomerate of Carters who will take centre stage around the gobby, miserable, rough-hewn bitch known as Shirley and her carbon copy sister, be careful what you wish for. This lot are set to be DTC's Brannings - another gaggle of mouthy, co-dependent women and weak, gormless men, shouting the odds - characters you haven't seen in that part of London in half a century. Dereks of a different type.
Dyer's character, Mick Carter (pronounced Cah'urgh) is 38 and has been married to his wife for 20 years. Twenty years. That's 1993. Who, in their right mind, working class or not, married at eighteen, especially a man, in 1993? For thirty years now, people of all classes have been marrying later and later. This is a couple from the Fifties transplanted to the 21st Century, which shows how grounded in reality this show is.
It's enough to make a long-term viewer turn off.
I just may. And I won't be the only one, I daresay.
For Danny Dire:-
Rubber Balls.
Ladies and gentlemen, David Beale Wicks, the man with the rubber balls. Beat'im up, kick'im in'em and he'll bounce right back up, usually landing somewhere in the vicinity of Carol Jackson, if he's physically or emotionally bruised because he knows what a mug she is.
Has Walford stopped gossiping? Or has the fact that Carol is now Dot's step-daughter given her a skein of protection to stop the local yokels from blathering about her past? You'd think Masood would have known of her track record. Being a Muslim, you'd have thought he would have cared. And at her age and with her wealth of experience at being snookered again and again by David, you'd think she would know better.
The truth for David is that he has nowhere to go, and Carol is living with his daughter and grandchildren in his mother's house, which is owned by his step-sister. So, in his usual entitled way, David feels that he may as well stay there; but first, he has to get his feet under the table, and the easiest way to do that is to charm the youngest (and most obnoxious) grandchildren - the awful Tiffany, who's desperately trying to be cute and failing miserably, and Mowgan Le Fat, whose table manners are atrocious. Chicken nuggets and pasta should not be on his dietary plan. Has EastEnders not heard of childhood obesity? Have the real-life parents of this child not heard of this?
David knows Walford. He has family there - some who aren't so enamoured of seeing him - and he figures that he may as well stay and stay with Carol; so his first objective is to rattle Masood. And he knows just how he can manipulate Carol, by appealing to their commonground - their common and garden Village Idiot retard daughter Bianca. (Does David know she's had a lobotomy since he was last around?)
This is the funniness of those teenaged love affairs coming home to roost - Billy Mitchell, a great-grandfather in his fifties, David Beale Wicks looking more the age of Tiff's, Morgan's and Liam's dad than grandfather.
One of the highlights of tonight's episode was the scene between David and Sharon. Although they had little interaction during his past stint in the 1990s, including this scene, which is a precursor to David's return episode this time around and features Sharon in red, Grant with hair and David with a mullet.
I know that scene was a sop to the long-term viewers, but it was rife with continuity - Sharon's first serious boyfriend was Simon Wicks, who betrayed her with Cindy, and she and David knew each other way back when she was Sharon Mitchell. No retconning here, as with her and Janine, David's step-sister for whom she and Simon used to babysit.
The writer for this episode was a new name, and this person seemed to get the characters of David, Sharon and even Sharon's interaction with Dot down perfectly.
Another good piece of continuity was Peter apprising Liam and Whitney of David's past actions - yet once again, it's not mentioned, by Peter or anyone, of David's relation to Ian. David is Peter's uncle. Of course, he'd have known the whole story of David's affair with Cindy, his efforts to help her escape to Milan with Steven and Peter, and his abandoning of their affair. Peter would also know of the emotional devastation this caused Ian. Peter would also have heard from Ian of David's sleeping with Simon's wife subsequently as well.
A lot of people have trouble understanding why Whitney and Liam would not have known this, but I don't. David is Bianca's father, for what it's worth. There are some dark family secrets that are kept from children for ages, although Whitney had no right to take the moral high ground and call David out for his sins, especially in front of Morgan and Tiffany.
That girl is really insufferable.
Yet by the time of the duff-duffs, we see David's achieved his manipulative goal of getting Carol to let him stay. The look on his face should have told the intelligent viewer that David doesn't love Granny Carol, with her salt-of-the-earth ways, her perpetually open
Hambone
Dot's back on the ham again - not the stuff she accused Cora of stealing, but the hammy acting. June Brown was in head-bobbing heaven tonight in what was supposed to be a comic vignette, but which served to show that in her own self-righteous way, Dot is as bad as Sharon.
So many of the resident Sharon-haters look for every opportunity to nitpick every slight or comeuppance they reckon this badly-written version of Sharon deserves. People who have watched the show from the getgo will easily see that Sharon suffered this time around from extremely bad writing, from being plopped amidst a gaggle of characters whom she didn't know simply to feed the vanity of a writer who wanted to justify the existence of an over-large family of his own creation long past their sell-by date; whereas Ronnie's and David's returns surrounded them in the midst of people with whom they were heretofore associated.
Dot can be self-righteous, arrogant, proud, vain and selfish - all the time attesting to her Christian virtues. And she was all of that tonight, basking in taking credit for Sharon's ideas and volunteering Sharon, basically, to do her fundraising role because Sharon "doesn't work during the day." Well, we know that she does, and even if she didn't, she would have to sleep.
Good assessment of Dot on David Wicks, however, that whilst she liked him, she didn't trust him; but surely Dot was living with Nick, Ashley and Ashley's mother when David was on the Square in the 1990s?
Poop-Deck Papping.
So it's finally established what I sussed long ago about Poopy-La-Dim - she's a passive aggressive bully and shallow as hell. That may explain why she's a favourite with so many bullybois.
Poopy has always been like this - tactless, rude, selfish - but clever enough to hide it behind a perpetually smiling and falsly nice facade. Remember how she landed Lola in trouble at the Salon? She's always been a fast-talking little oiker, managing to get her way only by talking faster and louder than the person to whom she's talking.
Look at the many times she's upstaged Dot in her own home, belittling her about her age and mannerisms, always under the pretence of dimwitted, well-meaning niceness. We've seen her literally push Dot out of her home for the evening in order to turn the place over to Tamwar and Alice, as a proect in Poopy's fairytale BarbieGirl romance world.
Now, she's as materialistic as she is shallow, pushing her ideas onto Fatboy without any consideration for what he wants. (Although, I must say Fatboy's cackle reminds me of something stereotypical from the era of shucking and jiving. Like something from the save quarters in Gone with the Wind.)
Another good piece of consistency was this writer's remembering Fatboy's and Peter's friendship from the past, with Peter sensing what Poopy was doing to Fatboy and encouraging him to stand up to her and tell her what he wanted.
Once again, we got to see Poopy's bullying side, determining Fatboy's actions in life - i.e., giving up drinking so she could have the house that she wanted near her parents. I hate how she witters on about nothing and how she's got everything planned out. She's nothing more than a whopping big spoiled brat, and I'll be glad to see the ass-end of her. Awful character and an insult to women.
Not a bad episode.
Slightly off topic but what breed of dog did you get? (if you don't mind me asking)
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