Let it be known that EastEnders is the soap with rubber balls.
Now I know that will come as an affront to the insidious little StaceyTurd fanbois who purport to push their opinion as fact (and, yes, I'm looking at you, Hit'Em Up in Style, you supercilious little shit). But, for all King of the ManboiFanbois likes to get his giggles from saying that he's giving EastEnders its balls back, all he's managing to achieve is handing the show some rubber balls. Boomerangs. Or as Carl White's mother put it succinctly tonight ... bad pennies.
Roswell Ronnie: I Am a Woman in Love.
Ronnie's face this time around, seriously, creeps me out. I know the actress botoxes to the hilt, but she's overdone it this time, and I wouldn't be surprised, judging from her profile jawline and neck, that there's been some sort of facelift done during her time away. Her mouth is too wide for her face and the obvious nose job, done years ago, looks even more bridgeless.
I know the stereotypical depiction of a psychopath is some emotionless, cold-blooded person, without emotion, but that's not entirely true. Psychopaths can be some of the most charming people. Yes, it's true they don't empathise, and that was made evident tonight in some of Ronnie's comments and actions, but they mask it well, which is why most psychopaths are able to move, undetected and unimpeded, amongst the general population. Just look at Donald Trump and Lord Sugar.
But Roswell Ronnie is seriously scary. I mean alien scary ...
I wonder if she frightens her children with a gob like that.
The exterior is too brittle, however, and Phil was right. Her front's not good enough. She jumps whenever someone comes upon her unexpectedly or even when they voice an opinion of which she doesn't approve. Witness Dot, and her outburst at her.
That Ronnie is obsessed with her sister is obvious, and whilst Ronnie isn't in love with Roxy - Ronnie's actually in love with herself, as psychopaths are, and thinks herself above others - she's obsessed with controlling Roxy to the point that she's sexually aroused by Roxy. Count the number of episodes in which Ronnie tenderly touches Roxy's hair.
Roxy, on the other hand, is genuinely concerned for Carl's mother. She feels sorry for her, as a mother who is seeking her child and who would never see him again. She thinks the situation is sad. That's empathy, something Ronnie most definitely did not feel tonight. She shrugged off Nora White, the same way she shrugged off how she felt nothing for the Moons during the kidnap ordeal, as evidenced in a tour de force of manipulative psychopathic behaviour, with her guard dropped briefly at the 7:00 minute mark. And note the changes in the face as well.
Ronnie didn't give a rat's arse about Mrs White and expertly manouevered the insipid child-like Roxy into destroying his phone.
Phil's being badgered by Mrs White as well, a woman determined to find her son. Now Phil does have feelings for Mrs White - feelings of fear and concern that yet another murderer is showing up on his threshold for whom he's going to have to give cover. It's bad enough that Ronnie's there. The last thing he needs is the deceased's mummy hanging about asking questions.
When Roxy decides she owes it to Nora White to tell her, simply, that her son had gone and she didn't know where. Nora's got all angles covered. She's as tough as the Mitchells and more. She could probably chew the Mitchells up and piss them out as rust, and she's told Phil as much as Carl had told his brother at Christmas that he was seeing a girl called Roxy Mitchell. And now she knows where Roxy lives.
I hate the "protection" shit that goes on between the Bitchell Blisters. Ronnie "protects" Ronnie - a woman of thirty-six with a child, herself - a child who's willfully and often kept out of school. Why aren't the school authorities onto Roxy for Amy's lack of school attendance? Even more, I hate how Phil gets sucked into treating Roxy like another overgrown child, and, left to his own devices and without Roxy, Phil would disdain Roxy, as he's always done.
So Ronnie thinks she's fooled Nora, but she doesn't reckon on Nora having seen Roxy's picture, and thus Nora's parting words about Carl coming back "like a bad penny," leaves an enduring image of a putrifying, maggot-ridden corpse popping out of a crushed boot in a breaker's yard.
Bring it on.
On an aside, the Lola obsession continues. Why is Lola afraid of Peter finding out that she was arrested and cautioned? DTC has regressed this character to the unlikeable point we found her in 2010. And the way Jay's Neanderthal stare encapsulated her at the cafe, whilst Abi was wittering on about her university applications (about which he clearly isn't interested), we're set for yet another love triangle, and the ultimate side-lining of Peter Beale, yet another legacy character whom EgoBoy didn't cast.
Rawhide Returns.
Rattle, rattle, rattle ... here come the cattle. In this instance, there are three - Jane the Bovine, hairy Cindy the Greek, and Shabnam the Bigot.
Yes, Jane has returned to Walford, to take up her position as Wise Woman of Walford and to basically undermine Denise's position in the Beale dynamic.
I don't know how this producer expects people to find Cindy the Greek sympathetic. She has the most entitled face and attitude of any character I've ever seen. She seriously makes Lauren look good. From day one, she's walked all over Ian's hospitality, and I'll say it again. That snide little bitch has had no punishment for stealing a vast amount of money from Phil Mitchell. In fact, Ian actually put back the money she'd spent.
She speaks to him as though he were a piece of shit. She knows he's not her father, that he has nothing to do with her genetically or familiarly, and Ian knows that as well. So why doesn't he show some balls and call either Bev and Gina Williams or Social Services? Get the hairy little ladyboy out of the house.
Yet into this dynamic, steps Jane the Good, who's shacking up with Masood, as the latest white woman to bear the bigoted wrath of Shabnam - if looks could kill, Jane would be steak for the Masoods' dinner.
Jane organises a conflab between Ian and Terry, with TJ on hand, and whisks Cindy the Greek off to a medical appointment and a scan. So the picture of a bouncing baby boy makes everything all right, does it?
Babies grow. They cry at night, they vomit and shit and piss their nappies. They have to be bathed and fed. They teethe and are miserable. After a year, they start to walk. And because they have to be fed, clothed and given fresh air, they cost money. A lot of it. So who's going to pay? Pa Spraggan? Not when he's got two kids, one wanting to go to university, and other outgoings - well, not that much anyway. Ian? Not his problem. I even wonder if Gina and Bev are contributing to Cindy's upkeep while she horned her way into the Beale household.
This cocky little slut with a face like a slapped bum is no Michelle, and the most poignant and telling scene of the night was when TJ expressed a desire to have his mother there, instead of the screeching banshee called Bianca, who thinks motherhood at fifteen is the most natural thing in the world, as long as someone else is paying for it.
Go Ask Alice.
Is Honker getting fat again? I swear, she distinctly looked podgier when she was having her heart-to-heart with Grandma Dot, in her best smell-the-fart acting technique. Honker's version of that is to squinch her eyes sadly and look off into the distance, pretending she's Sidney Carton.
Three more deeply unpleasant characters tuck their heads up their arses and scurry off to have the test for the BRCA2 gene. Carol still hasn't got puking sick and her hair should be coming out in tufts now, yet she's still scurrying about as rapidly as she was in her SuperShagger days.
In all their pandemonium, they ignore a message received from poor pitiful Alice, who's literally guarding her arse in prison. The news is that Kat has come forward as a witness to say she saw Alice kill Michael, so now - even though Carol doesn't know, and that's only a matter of time - David does, and he's fucking worried.
Why?
Because his new-found wealth with which he's paying for Granny Carol's treatment, is money he blackmailed off Janine. A freed Janine would come after him like an avenging angel, and I hope somewhere along the line, she does.
Meanwhile, Kat's conflicted for having sacrificed Alice for Stacey. More to the point, she's scared shitless that David's found out.
You know, I don't see how any of them figure that Alice is going to walk. She's already admitted to having plotted to kill Janine and to take her child. And she struck the first blow to Michael, which was assault. And Kat's only following the family ethos that everyone else follows when it suits them.
The Dodo (or Not).
So tonight sees the announcement of the demise of one Cotton, Nicholas, Esq, announced by a policewoman who may or may not be a policewoman and a silent, robed figure, whom we'll find out is Nick's long-lost son, Charlie ... or is he?
Is Nick dead, for that matter? John Altman and The Daily Mail, who inadvertantly broke an embargo, don't seem to think so. Yet another Nick-scams-Dot line ...
Rubber balls come bouncing back ... like bad pennies or rotting corpses.
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