Bruvvas - Review:- 28.11.2014

One of the two weakest writers for the show, Katie Douglas, hanging about like a bad smell. The plotline does her false justice, but this episode belonged to Diane Parish and Jamie Borthwick. I'm not the biggest fan of Borthwick's, and I'm not overly fond of Jay, although I realise a certain tranche of fan wants to see more of Jay front and centre. I wouldn't mind seeing more of this Jay, but haven't we been here before with him? I know Jay is a lost soul, with no connection at all on the Square, save the morsels thrown from Phil's table, and I know it won't be long before he's back being a Mitchell Step'n-Fetchit yet again, but he took his own soul and existence to risk tonight when he hurled some home truths at Ben.

The Stepford Frump and Oedipus Rex. I was punching the air for Denise tonight. Everyone, take note ... this is a strong woman. Denise is one of the best female characters ever created for the Square. Yes, she's got appalling taste in men, but Denise is a true survivor. She just gets on with life. Something knocks her for six, and she picks herself up, sometimes a bit slowly, but she faces the world again. She is the very antithesis of Janine, but she and Janine share very similar characteristics in that they are survivors, strong women in and of themselves, and they don't have a man dependency. At the moment, I would say that Denise is the most positive depiction of womanhood on the Square.

Denise, as well, had the common decency to take her discovery to Ian first of all, instead of phoning the police and giving them the information which Patrick had imparted about Peter. She wanted Ian to know first, rather than have it handed to him second-handed by Keeble. And Denise, although she wasn't implying Peter's guilt, she was warning Ian what to expect -as any decent person would have done.

Ian's total reaction simply indicated the absolute worse aspects of Ian as a human being, a deeply unpleasant, weak, ineffectual, weaselly man, who's a craven manipulator with an Oedipal complex. His first reaction is to assume that Patrick - Patrick! - either knew about or had something to do with Lucy's murder, only to be reminded that Patrick was in Trinidad at that time, but the real umbrage was taken when Peter's name was mentioned.

Peter is the best man I know!

Really, Ian? Because the night of Lucy's death, Peter was just your average Joe, nothing special, certainly not as special as Lucy. Ian's reaction to the fact that Peter might be, even tangetially, linked to Lucy's death was pure Ian. Ian allows no man or woman to disparage him or his family. He has a high regard for himself, which is why he would never have tacitly acknowledged silly Cindy's tales of Auntie Gina's horror stories about Ian dumping her on her aunt as the truth. More than anyone, Ian disdains Gina, and he'd be quick to right his reputation in Cindy's eyes, which is why last night's fiasco was a bit of a retcon. But tonight, we witnessed Ian Beale in all his smarmy glory.

Poor Denise, who can't do right for doing wrong in Ian's eyes. Of course, the supercilious Jane takes things in hand and whisks Denise off to the kitchen where, we find, that there's been a bottle of whiskey hidden all along by Jane, of which Denise had imbibed on occasion.

Ian and Jane deserve each other. Jane is the ultimate mommy figure for Ian, who's always treated him like a recalcitrant schoolboy by day and then fed his Captain Beale fantasies by night. Yuck. Jane's fooling herself that she's only with Ian for Bobby's sake; Ian's pushing the same meme to hide the fact that he hopes that somehow he might win her around again. Masood was right. Ian uses his grief as a manipulatory device - how long would it be before Captain Beale came to Mommy for some comfort?

(Hint: It wouldn't surprise me if they slept together that very night, and if Jane didn't whip out a tit with which to nurse Ian).

So now Denise knows exactly what happened under that roof, on the front room floor when she was still Ian's fiancée, and she hands Jane her arse, aptly describing her:-

You pretend to be everybody's friend, but you're really sly.

Too right, that snide, judgemental, hypocritical, undermining bitch! And Denise didn't stop there - cue one for Masood, who was royally done over by Jane the last time she was in Walford - the bitch was even referring to Masood's home as hers! And here he is, trying to protect her and make excuses for Ian.

Full marks to Denise for shooting down Masood's stock excuse and the excuse by which Ian Beale's managed to manipulate the whole of Walford into thinking he is deserving of their sympathy - that Lucy wasn't a nice person at all, that she was a spoiled, rude, arrogant, entitled, little madam. That's the elephant that's been skulking in the room since the day she died and before. 

Does that make Denise a suspect in her killing? No, but I'm sure it was meant to get people to think.

Another thing noticeable tonight was the amount of booze and booze references between Denise and the Beales. Denise took a swig of whiskey in the Beales' kitchen and then headed for the wine at Patrick's. Ian's answer to a tricky situation with the police was a choice of white or red, before puking. Well, he might puke - he should be ashamed of himself.

For all his criticisms of the Mitchells, he's linked to them by Ben, and he's distracted from making his discovery known to the police by the convenient interference by Ben. It's not rocket science - Ben's and Jay's prints were all over Lucy's gear. Ben's lie doesn't add up either - and we all know it was a lie, right? Hell, even Ian knew it was a lie - Lucy's bag was found by her side on the Common - yet Ben maintained that he (later amended to he and Jay) found the bag in the middle of the street, reached in, took the purse and phone, pocketed the cash, and then suddenly, whilst on the Tube, realised that this stuff belonged to Lucy.

As. If.

This is all a crock, but then Ben does what Ben does best with Ian - he appeals to family. Lucy was family, ergo, Ben is family - and then, like Ian, he begs him not to tell the police about that night, about Ben's attempted robbery, about everything, because it will mean Ben will go back inside.

And, like that, Ian complies. He really is the most ball-less man. Another person who now knows something that she shouldn't is Keeble. She's too smart not to think something is amiss when she's called out by Ian with a tale of new evidence, only to arrive to be told that he wanted to apologise for being off with her that day.

Another oddity was how eager Jane was, after Keeble had gone, to get rid of the phone and purse. Is there something in the theory that Jane killed Lucy? And what is it on this amazing SuperPhone, whose battery still can be charged after lying for months in wet earth, that so shocks Ian?

Denise owned that one. I wanted her to smack Jane.

Ben There Done That. Jay had the absolute line of the night. Ben's well into family, himself, as a means of manipulation. He knows that Jay has no one, and before and even now, found that as a source of strength in his controlling of Jay. He knows that Jay realises that he exists as part of the Mitchell set-up as long as he's in Phil's good graces. If Ben wanted Jay out of Phil's good graces, he'd be gone. The first thing Jay did after the Heather ordeal was change his surname back to Brown.

Things have changed for Jay since Ben's been away from Walford, and until now, Ben's had the upper hand with Jay - ordering him about, speaking harshly when the chips were down, dwelling on Jay's perceived fear of going to prison when they get in danger, when - I imagine - it's Ben who's been the one afraid to go back.

Whatever Ben's done, Jay knows about it. I don't want to think that DTC would bring Ben back just to have him revealed as the killer, but on the other hand, I can very well see that happening. Whatever happened that night would mean a prison stretch for both of them. Ben used all his old tricks to worm his way around Jay.

I'm doing this all for you, trying to protect you. I've been inside. I can handle it. You can't.

Really, Ben? Jay has lost every family member he's ever known, and he's still standing. Alone. What about you?

I know what you're like. You were the one crying over Heather!

Can Ben be any more callous? This is really as rogue a Mitchell as Ronnie, totally psychopathic and without compassion. I'm glad Jay still cries over Heather. It doesn't show he's weak, it shows he's human, that he has empathy. 

And then the final coup de grace ... We're brothers!

Once upon a time, that may have resonated with Jay, but not anymore. Jay knows, and states, that whenever Ben's around, Jay ends up getting into trouble. Jay's the one with the conscience, not Ben. And, like Denise before him, Jay addresses the other elephant in the room:-

No! I'm not your brother. Ian's your brother, and you've ruined him!

The last image of Ben, barrelling out of the Mitchell house, trolling down the deserted Square, only to meet Johnny and beg a drink off him. When Johnny refuses and Ben tries to sneak a snog as a prelude for some sympathy sex, Johnny, wisely, jumps back.

I want to know what Ben's done. He's a pejorative character, but I find Harry Reid good in the role. He's the wrong kind of hard Mitchell.

Sweet Johnny, Lovely Lola and Insipid Abi. Johnny was the only Carter in the show tonight and I'll miss him. And how sweet was Lola. Abi treated her like shit, and Lola wouldn't be dismayed. She kept trying to mend fences, assuring Abi that she wasn't with Jay and that Jay didn't dump Abi for Lola - Lola's too nice to state the bleeding obvious - that Jay dumped Abi because of Abi's stinking, smug attitude. She is her mother's daughter. She looked like the cat who stole the cream when she told Lola she had a new boyfriend.

The scene between Lola and Abi produced one of the most hilarious lines of the night from Lola, when told by Abi that Ben was her new hunk.

Ben? Ben who?

It also highlighted Abi's obvious ignorance of life. Ben can't be gay, because he slept with Lola, and now he's with Abi. Well, yes, Abi, he can be, especially if he's in denial, again, about his sexuality.

The other great line of the night came from Sweet Johnny.

Lola: Once you're gay, are you, like, always gay?
Johnny: I was the last time I checked.
Ben and Abi so deserve one another. 

The R Word - Review:- 27.11.2014

The Godawful Beales. I have to dive right in, because this lot of dysfunctional wotsits had me SCREAMING at the television. If we ever needed any reminder of just what awful parents Ian and Jane are, how clueless and hypocritical she is and how self-serving he is, as well as how flaming entitled any child under that roof turns out to be, it was all there tonight in front of us. 

Shall I say the absolutely dreadful word that everyone hates to hear? I will.

RETCON.

There. Suck it up. Here's the retcon, in case you don't remember or you weren't around to watch it.

Cindy's story about Auntie Gina was a total retcon. All those stories Auntie Gina told me about you ... about you dumping me with her and not coming back for me.

WTF?

I know Gina was a flake, but it was Gina who wanted Cindy in the first place. Ian gave Cindy to Gina to raise because Gina couldn't have children. He made a big speech and spiel about it at the time, at the same time he, himself, named the baby Cindy. He didn't "dump" Cindy on Gina, Gina wanted the child and he gave her to her. Ian and Cindy were divorced - there was a big custody hearing for custody of the three Beale children (Steven and the twins) right before it was discovered that Cindy had tried to have Ian killed - and it was a well-known fact that Cindy Jnr was the spawn of Nick Hammond, who dumped her mother when he found out she was capable of hiring a hit man.

So either Gina was on the sauce or off her rocker or that line was a total retcon, and Christopher Reason should know better.

I know a lot of people hate the word "retcon," and many aren't averse to seeing the past changed to suit whatever storyline is currently in vogue, but there are some facts that never change just as there are some parts of a person's character that never changes. One of the most fragile egos on the Square belongs to Ian Beale. He hates, more than anything, anyone, either above or below him in the general scheme of social things, maligning either him or his family. However much Ian wanted to manipulate CindyBoy into convincing Jane to stay as her own personal, unpaid babysitter, he'd have blown a gasket upon hearing such a blatant lie about how CindyBoy came to be raised by her aunt and her grandmother, and not by Ian, who's no relation to her at all.

The dialogue isn't open to interpretation, but if anyone wants to believe that it is, then that's perfectly fine with me. I hope all such who do have managed to get their letters to Father Christmas in the post, as he doesn't read e-mails.
Both Ian and Jane slay me the way they allow children to dictate the odds to them. Jane hasn't changed much in her handling of Bobby since the days she let him destroy the house with a bottle of ketchup. Bobby wants to come back to London, and Ian is eager to encourage that, and when that doesn't work with the awful Jane, he enlists Cindy - has there everbeen a less interested mother in the programme?

I find the dynamic of Ian and Cindy Jnr creepy at the very least. They remind me of Humbert Humbert and Lolita. If living with Auntie Gina looks more appetising than sticking around lairy, leery Ian, then let this disrespectful, condescending and rude little bee-yatch be on her way. The sooner, the better. Why is she even there? She swans around, doing and saying what she wants, and Ian is cowed by her; because she's quick to tell him that he has no judisdiction over her. This is true. She was sixteen this month. She can do as she pleases, so maybe she should shove off. My guess is that sometime in the next year, she will, leaving the baby - the Cindy-gened baby - with Jane, who's always wanted an infant.

Ian is a smarmy, self-serving git, and at least this girl was quick to see through his ruse about getting Jane to stay - use her as a babysitter, which is par for the course for Ian. After all, Jane has experience in that - she spent the first few years in her relationship with Ian as an unpaid skivvy - looking after Ian's kids, working in Ian's businesses and cleaning Ian's house, with Ian quick to tell her then that she held no authority within the Beale domain. So now, he hopes for Saint Cindy's child to appeal to poor, pitiful Jane's denied maternal instinct - a biological function denied her by the fact that Cindy Jnr's brother shot Jane in the stomach, a fact concealed by Cindy Jnr's now-dead sister and by Ian, himself, from the police - in order to secure her services as an unpaid babysitter so Jane would stay with Ian.

Ian really is a craven, pathetic man.

And Jane is just as bad. I'm actually glad she ran into Phil and ranted about Rainie. A couple of things I picked up about the Rainie rant, both at Ian's house and at Phil's. First, the idea that sanctimonious, judgemental, po-faced Jane had to go to the Clap Clinic after being spoonfed gossip about Ian and Rainie from her toxic friend, Tanya, was a joke in and of itself, especially since Tanya never bothered to go to any sort of clinic when Max was putting it about, and considering Tanya, herself, happened to sleep with the biggest male slut on the Square, Jack. Pot, meet kettle. And second, that the fragrant Jane was so morally offended by Ian going with a prostitute, that she was actually astounded that Phil reminded her of her own hypocrisy in sleeping with Grant Mitchell whilst still with Ian.

Very true. 

Jane slept with Grant. Ian found out and continued their relationship. When Ian slept with Janine in 2009, Jane left him for a month. She later tried to seduce Masood. When Ian found this out, he had an affair with Glenda (at the same time Phil cheated with Glenda on Shirley).

When Jane has to accept relationship and parenting advice from Phil Mitchell, you can readily see how clueless she is. Phil's advice is that a boy needs his dad and that Ian loves Bobby, as well as the fact that Ian is a prat. Yet we all know that Ian's children are his possessions, and that he will go to any length to retain his possessions. 

And now we have Bobby coming along in the same deceitful mould as Ian. He's deceived Jane already. People complain about Dennis Rickman Jnr, but Bobby is yet another spoiled, entitled little brat who demands and gets exactly what he wants, insisting that he and Jane move to London tomorrow. He insists again and again and again. I half expected him to start stamping his feet, but he didn't have to do so - as he smugly expressed in that cheesy, group hug moment with his selfish father and ineffectual, clueless mother, he got exactly what he wanted.

What a smug, little prat!

Jane is moving to London, determined to live close by Ian. Has she employment, or does she expect to work for Ian for a share of the profit from the restaurant about which we hear less and less? Rents in that part of London are more than a grand a month. We all know the bleeding obvious - the Beales, a family which has become far more co-dependent than the Brannings, are back in action.

They are truly an awful, awful family, an infuriating family, an unlikeable family ... eminently watchable, but also very unsympathetic.

Jane is still as judgemental, sanctimonious, disdainful and hypocritical as she's ever been. If Lucy ran rings around her, Cindy will shred her to bits.

Not-so-Gentle Ben. NuNuBen's the motivating force behind Jay's bad judgement. Keeble knows something is up with Ben. She knows exactly what he was up to the night Lucy died, and she suspects something. Moreover, Phil suspects she suspects something.

NuNuBen is quite frightening, actually - another Mitchell infected with the psychopathic - or at least, sociopathic - gene. Somehow, Ben, with Jay in tow, acquired Lucy's purse and phone, and entrusted Jay to get rid of the damning evidence - this comes just days after that cosy scene where Ben fixed the cafe's toaster and commiserated with Ian about not being there more for him, Lucy and Ben - this is the same Ben, who - today - referred to his older niece as "Lucy Beale" in the same way as Bianca used to refer to her uncle as "Ian Beale."

NuNuBen is well aware of Patrick's disdain of him, after his killing of Heather - good continuation there - and despatches Jay, a favourite of Patrick's, to wheedle his way into the house and steal the items before Denise could go to the police. Actually, I was quite amazed that Jay suffered no moral qualms about this, but I suppose he was in survival mode and thought to get rid of damning evidence. 

I was glad Denise showed up in time to retrieve what was necessary, and I want to hear Ben's story about how he's come by Lucy's things.

All Things Denise. Once again, Denise and Patrick were the stars of the show, and we've subtly had introduced yet another red herring into the fray - nay, two. Tonight, we get the first intimation that Patrick entrusted Peter with looking after his allotment - not that posh Pete would have ever deigned to get his expensively manicured, middle-class hands dirty - but, there you go. Peter's brought into the frame as a possible suspect, by dint of the possibility that Denise thinks he may have buried the purse and the phone. We also learn that Peter has a bad temper, and that's not surprising either, since we already know he's a snobby, manipulative, little passive aggressive bully.

Denise posits a plausible scenario for the possibility that Peter could have killed Lucy - in a fit of pique, the way Ben struck out at Heather and killed her unintentially: confrontation with her about her cocaine habit (subtle hint pointing elsewhere) or anger about her relationship with Max (again, another subtle hint pointing even further elsewhere), but we know what Peter heard in Lucy's and Ian's argument that night, and we still don't know where Peter was.

Although Peter is high on my suspects list, I don't think he did it; nor do I think that Ben is the killer, although I can actually see bringing Ben back to be revealed as Lucy's killer is something well within the ken of this EP. Ben as the killer would have the sort of maximum impact I think DTC is trying to achieve.

A Carter-less episode, infuriating at times, but a good one - apart from a bit of a retcon moment. 

Family Fortunes - Review:- 25.11.2014

I know the unpleasant Beale family was supposed to be the focus of this episode, but, for me, Denise and Patrick stole it. The murder mystery is ongoing, but far more relevant to contemporary life, is the situation which Denise and Patrick are facing. Diane Parish and Rudolph Walker owned this episode and made the histrionic antics of the Beale household look plebeian, embarrassing and trite.

Leave It to Bobby. I had a curious sense of déja vu with tonight's appearance of Bobby III. I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd seen this Bobby someplace before in a different place and time, and then it dawned on me ... (TimWil will appreciate this).

Bobby Beale is the English equivalent of The Beaver. This Bobby is the total anti-thesis of Bobby II, who was posh, well-spoken and constantly smirking. (Well, his older brother and sister are and were posh, well-spoken and constantly smirking). Even though Bobby II was made to dress, on occasion, like a Dickensian street urchin, this Bobby had the language, the grammar and the syntax of the same. In fact, he was so much a stage school kid, portraying an EastEnd working-class child of a snobby, upwardly mobile, tactless, greedy dad, I expected this ...

... or something of that sort.

On the continuity track, it's nice to see DTC has kept the remnants of a particularly odious storyline involving Tiff and Bobby - remember the walkie-talkies and the pre-pubescent Romeo and Juliet?

The whole "Bobby-goes-missing" contrivance was the biggest load of bunkum in the Lucy mystery storyline. The real discovery lay at the allotments, a bubbling cauldron hotter than the flask of soup sent to Denise by Patrick via Jay, who just happened to be responsible for placing the figurative can of worms just dug up by Denise.

Instead, we get an embarrassing melée of dross served up on a trowel by Ian, Jane and rude remarks by Cindy, who proves, once again, that - like the people with whom she lives - she's really not a very nice person.

I felt hugely sorry for Bobby when he left the last time, in the wake of Ian blurting out at him at the breakfast table that he wasn't Cindy - meaning he didn't have he Cindy Snr gene. Bobby left, and Cindy Jnr, a child with no blood relationship to Ian at all and a living reminder of the fact that her mother once tried to have Ian killed.

Here's some food for thought: Cindy and Ian don't address each other as an adolescent would address an adult, much less the way an adolescent would address an adult in a paternal or avuncular position in her social dynamic - and vice versa. Ian doesn't speak to Cindy as though she were a teenager. They speak as adults to one another. And for the past couple of weeks, Ian and Cindy have been sharing Ian's house on their own. Nothing untoward, mind you, but Ian rushes home to goo-goo-da-da over Cindy's baby, and Cindy treats Ian as though it's Ian's paternal right to care for the child.

She was nothing less than rude today to DI Keeble, yet she wasn't reprimanded in any way. I don't like this kid. There's no charm or insouciance about her, apart from the ever-present open-mouthed pout we haven't seen since Lucy and Joey Branning left the screen. It's not attractive, and she really isn't a sympathetic character. She's finding a baby hard work? Welcome to the real world, sunshine. No one told you to get pregnant, and if you're going to experiment with sex, do so responsibly. She misses school? Why hasn't Ian made arrangements for her return? Basically, she sees her peers out having a good time, and she's horrified at the thought that now she has this baby, who won't go away. My guess is that she will, and the baby will be left with Jane and Ian ...

Then there's Jane. I'm not the biggest fan of Jane, since her return earlier this year, although I do like Laurie Brett; but somehow, her acting was way off mark in this one. I cannot fathom Jane allowing Bobby to hoodwink her the way he did. The seminal line of stupidity for the night was Jane belloweathering after Cindy had been dispatched to rifle through Bobby's bag only to find a folder of clippings surrounding Lucy's murder investigation ...

He's been planning this and all this time I thought he was upstairs with his Harry Potter stories!

Considering the fact that at the age of four, Bobby could totally floor Jane with a bottle of ketchup, I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised that Bobby would want to come back to London, even to a father who thinks him third best to his twin half-siblings and to someone who's no relation at all but who carries the dint of Beale royalty in being descended from Saint Cindy, or that he wants his mother to return to the fold as well, if only because Ian can look after her incompetence.

The emotional scenes shared by Ian and Jane as "worry" about Bobby didn't ring right at all. It was as if they were conscious of playing a role for a viewing audience. Yes, Adam Woodyatt does emotion very well - it's his party trick; and sometimes Laurie Brett does as well - I'm thinking of the time she bared all about her marital difficulties to the members of the book club preparing for a night out at Zainab's whilst Ian hid in the understairs cupboard, but she fell flat tonight. Totally panto, that was, especially with Cindy sniping comments from the peanut gallery. That was embarrassing. Even moreso, Ian, especially, behaved like a prick to the police. They should be extremely grateful that the Met police took such an immediate interest in this case, and Keeble was only trying to phrase the suspicions of a paedophile in words that wouldn't allow either Ian or nitwit Jane to jump to the obvious conclusion.

Masood is truly a nice man, that he would take such an active interest in Jane and concern for helping her with Bobby, after the shit she dished him the last time she was there. Jane should feel ashamed of her behaviour with him.

And now that Denise is out of the equation, it's a different kettle of fish for Jane to consider staying in London with Ian now. Even though she balked at the thought of sticking around, she'll soon be back on board Captain Beale's vessel. Awful woman. Really embarrassing melodrama, and the fact that Bobby was found, sleeping rough in a sleeping bag on a London common next to the spot where his sister's body was found, I found to be more contrived than poignant. 

I know the Beales are Walford royalty and that, even with the Mitchells' presence, the Beales are probably the First Family of Walford. That doesn't detract from the fact that, as people, they aren't very likeable - and the ultimate irony was that the lead they needed for Bobby's whereabouts came from Bianca and Tiffany, the Beales' chav relatives, about whom they don't like to think.

The Real First Family. Dot and Nick were absolutely hilarious, Nick especially. I'm enjoying John Altman's return this time, simply because he's so obviously enjoying it and making such a tour de force of his performance this time around. The Saga of the Cigarettes was a hoot, and the absolute line of the night belonged entirely to Nick:-

They say I'm a psychopath!

This entire storyline was, once again, pure pantomime, coming right before the real pantomime season begins. Dot's exaggerated reactions and facial expressions ...

Dot: you ain't no psychopath!
Nick: If I am, what does that make you!
Dot: You don't get that from me!

Or this hooter:-

Dot (to Nick about Ian): You ought to be more careful, Nick. What if he'da heard you?
Nick: Then Ida had to have killed him.

The measures to which Dot had to resort in order to get a cigarette was hilarious, resorting to phoning a woman with whom she wasn't on speaking terms to ask that she buy her cigarettes, only to have them snatched by Nick and having to chase him down the hall. Equally funny was Nick's reminding Dot, in his own inimitable way, that she really was as big a liar as he was when expediency determined it.

Nurse Ava. Does Sonia ever go home? She was around Carol's having a sandwich and plotting surreptitiously what to do with the money she'd fleeced from people for the charity calendars, when she could just as easily have left from her own home. When does she see her child? When does she work, indeed?

Is this a 21st Century version of Arthur Fowler's desperate scam? Please go, Sonia. Fly far, far away. You won't be missed.

The Stars of the Show. This episode belonged entirely to Rudolph Walker and Diane Parish. Denise is unraveling. She's worked to a frazzle, doing all hours at The Minute Mart, caring for Patrick. She has no support and no one to whom she might turn for emotional support and help. Desperate, she takes out her frustration on Patrick, who's only focused on the fact that the Council want to take his allotment from him, which frustrates Denise, who's worried about her own employment situation.

The Masoods came up trumps tonight, especially Shabnam, who's developing into a prickly, but compassionate character. The actress even has Zainab's mannerisms down to a tee; it's like watching a younger Zainab. Interesting to note the shift of laborial power at The Minute Mart as Shabnam, Denise's employee, takes charge of the situation to enable Denise to function and give her some breathing space. I do wish Denise would have taken Shabnam's offer of doing the earlier shifts, in order that Denise could spend more time with Patrick.

Food for thought (pun intended): Denise goes off to the allotment to gather some of the vegetables Patrick planted in the spring. You what? It's the end of November. Those crops would have been harvested in September, early October. As for digging potatoes, she's lucky to get the ones she got and that they hadn't been rotted by the autumn rains and excessively wet soil. Still, it had to be done, because Denise had to find Lucy's purse and phone, planted (again. pun intended) there by Jay, who happens to be on the way to the allotment with a surprise for Denise. He's about to get a surprise, himself.

Pot-Pourris. Sharon floating by - dropping by the Beales to offer words of comfort and support to Jane's crocodile tears and issuing fleeting orders to Jay and Ben to troop up to help Johnny at The Albert.

Then, there's the reconciliation between Johnny and Ben, and we get a soupcon of what might have been, had Sam Strike not decided to leave. Ben's gone back into the closet, but not for himself - for Phil. As he reminded Johnny, Your dad's not my dad.

Decent enough episode, but the main storyline was the weakest link.

The Cow Comes Home - Review:- 24.11.2014

Do you know why I gave this episode an 8 out of 10? Simply because of the divine Denise and Patrick. There were some very good bits and scenes in the piece, but there were also some extremely stupid bits, especially at the end. I guess the central theme throughout the episode was bad parenting.

We saw some pips. In the vernacular of internet slang ... SMDH.

Good Son Bad Son. Oh Mick, you silly, deluded man! When will you ever learn never ever to tell Shirley a secret? She may keep many of her own, many of which you have a right to know, but she's got a mouth like the Blackwall Tunnel (probably with breath to boot), and she can't help inadvertantly letting slip something she shouldn't have.

It's nice to know that some things don't change, and Shirley is one who doesn't. As well as Johnny being the only adult in the room as far as the Carters are concerned (and he's about to leave), Mick sometimes takes the occasional responsibility. You have to ask yourself who the older person here is, because there's Shirley, sulking like an adolescent and pissed that Mick grassed the deplorable Buster up to the authorities, effectively prohibiting Shirley, Buster and Dean from riding off into the sunset to play 'appy fairmlies. (Nice to know that Kevin has been so conveniently laid to rest as in "forgotten" in all this mess).

I must say, I'm Team Mick in this situation, especially regarding his remark about the way Buster played the room. Buster is just Derek without the Barnet and whistle, as Mick would say. I'm sure Max would say just that, had he seen him; and Shirley's idea of riding off into the sunset with a man on the run was puerile in the biggest sense of the word. 

The next step in the procedure was Shirl to pull out the pity party piece. She can't stick around because she's now become, once again, a spare part - ne'mind Mick reminding her of the fact that, thanks to certain people in the community, Shirley actually has her freedom - why worry about getting banged up for perverting the course of justice for the sake of Buster? But poor, pitiful Shirl ... boohoo ... she can't stick around ... she's a spare part. Ne'mind, she's got her name above the door. Tina has Tosh, Mick has Linda, Phil has Sharon.

Seriously, are we supposed to feel sorry for this woman? No wonder Mick's so apt a passive aggressive bully. He must have learned this skill from Shirley, or else it's in his genes - speaking of jeans, Mick implores Shirley to stay. Seeing out Stan's last days doesn't move her - why should it, the way she's treated the old man? But finding out that Linda is pregnant hits the spot. 

Now ... forgive me if I'm wrong, but didn't Linda swear Mick to secrecy about this pregnancy? And didn't Mick agree to tell no one, not even the kids - and, let's be fair, they have the right to be told first? Instead, Mick can't resist telling Shirley, just to keep her close by. Sorry, Mick, you've got a life partner and other children. Shirley is big enough to look after herself. In reality, she can't bear to stick around Walford and see Phil with Sharon - that's a coward for you. Let her go. She's ruined one business you've had, and she's just about rain havoc down upon your happiness now.

In case you didn't know, this is the way Shirley operates. Phil knows it, Sharon knows it and so does Ronnie - she comes in, makes a bloody shambles of a situation and then runs off, leaving someone else to pick up the mess. That coy, knowing little smile she gave you as she cooed that she wouldn't change nappies was sickening. I would hope Linda wouldn't let her within an inch of that child.

And, Shirley, Buster isn't Dean's "dad." He isn't even Mick's dad. He's the geezer who acted as sperm donor, resulting in two sons whom two other men raised as their own. Don't pull that daddy mess, and Dean should know better.

Speaking of Dean ...

I'm beginning to wonder if he isn't emotionally stunted in some way. He certainly is his mother's son, considering the way he spoke to Lola in the salon, and bravo Stacey, for putting him in his place. Stacey should take heed: when she warned Dean that if he didn't change his snide attitude, she'd ditch him, he professed that he couldn't care less. She should take him up on his word and ditch him. How dare him rebuke her for using that tone of voice in front of a client? He shouldn't have belittled Lola in front of the same client, and Lola reacted brilliantly, not being phased at all. That behaviour was typically in the Shirley mould. It would also do Stacey a world of good to realise that Dean was going to walk away from her - not only her, but his business, to go on the run with his feckless mother and the man who donated sperm to create him.

Prior to that, we had the irony of Shirley producing a Shirley-esque reaction and mode of behaviour in Dean: jealousy. After all this time, all it takes is Shirley bigging Mick (the secret son who's about to become a father) as the fount of all wisdom, for Dean to see black.

Shirley: I know going on the run would have been nice, but Mick was right when he sais that it wasn't the best idea.

Really, Shirley? You were buggering off anyway, without a thought of Dean and without Buster until Mick told you his secret. So much for your other son by Buster. And Dean is 26. Kevin is dead, but does his memory really mean that little to him? Does he have this harebrained, childish idea of running away with the mother who would abandon him at the drop of a hat with the man who impregnated her, living in a caravan, fishing in streams and eating ice creams? Does he not realise how quickly Buster would get bored with both of them? It's not enough, in an adult sense, to visit this man in prison and get to know him, as Mick suggested it. Even now, Shirley is wanting Dean to be a more intricate part of her readymade family, unbeknownst of the secret havoc Dean has wreaked, just like his mother. When Shirley almost told him about Linda, initially, giving everything Mick had on his plate as reason for Dean to stick around for moral support, you knew, you just knew that before the episode ended, Shirley would have told Dean, and tell him she did.

But even more ironically, who would have thought that it would be Denise, in one of the most genuinely poignant scenes of the episode, when Dean sought her out in the Minute Mart - Denise, who's emotionally crumbling, herself, from the strain of dealing with Patrick - who inadvertantly set Dean up to find out that which he shouldn't have. Denise understood Dean's feeling of isolation, of being on the periphery of a situation. She admitted that she missed Kim, and encouraged Dean to get to know that family and inadvertantly opened a can of worms.

Shirley couldn't keep it zipped, and Dean couldn't resist targeting Linda. Line of the night.

Congratulations.

The die is cast now. Dean knows, as much as Linda might deny it, that there's every possibilty that child could be his, and furthermore, he knows that Linda knows this as well. "Who's the Daddy" starts here.

The final thing to say about the Queen Shirley-centric episode was her encounter with Sharon. Shirley really is one of the vilest characters ever created for this show. As some characters develop upward, even the addition of a family to surround her, it's degenerated, rather than regenerated her. That's what happens with marmite characters. Were we supposed to think Sharon the bitch of the piece in this? Forgive me, if I'm wrong, but it was Shirley who slept with Sharon's fiancé and Shirley who would have revelled in Sharon's humiliation, in front of her small son. And it was Sharon who made it possible for Shirley to face her in the street just now. She really has no shame. Sharon was right to remind her that, were it not for her, Shirley would be in a prison cell someplace.

Actually, Shirley was wrong to think that Sharon did this entirely for Phil. Phil was a part of it, but Ronnie made her see sense in the presence of the gun. I'm glad Sharon got the last word with Shirley. 

Poor Denise. Diane Parish played a blinder. She was the star of the show, as well as Rudolph Walker, who really could have been a stroke victim. From the initial scene, the viewer could see that caring for Patrick was beginning to wear on Denise, from the surreptitious way she gupled down those tablets followed by a swig of water, and the way she finished off the dregs of a glass of wine as she left for work. I'm surprised that she's left Patrick on his own whilst she works, but at least she opened up to Shabnam and told her about the difficulties she was having.

She's drinking heavily, and instead of what Shabnam suggested - that perhaps Patrick was lashing out at her in anger - there's a clear and present danger that Denise may do that to Patrick, from the remark she made to him about a child would be better to manage. Not only is she drinking heavily, she's pilfering drink from the shop.

It didn't help matters when Ian was earwigging her conversation with Shabnam and pithily offered her a muffin for free and some money to help out with Patrick. That's pure Ian. Tactless and guiltridden, and seeking to appease his conscience for the scurvy way he treated Denise, then trying to manipulate her into accepting his guilt money by telling her he cared for her.

She should have told him to stuff his money.

Brilliant performance.

Silly Cindy. This is another character, for whom, I gather, we're supposed to have sympathy. Forgive me if I don't. All the crocodile tears in the ocean from this silly little tart wouldn't evoke one bit of compassion for me. I feel sorry for the kid. Yes, Cindy, babies are hard work. You should have thought of that when you had unprotected sex with TJ and then decided to keep this child. Babies aren't dolls. They pee, poo and need changing. They need feeding, sometimes at night. They cry.

This is a salutory lesson that Cindy misses school. Of course, she would. Her contemporaries are studying for GCSEs and thinking of jobs and university. She's thinking about changing nappies. This is it, but she doesn't stint on taking advantage of Ian's good humour (and the fact that her daughter bears the Cindy gene) in getting him to look after the baby. When she opens up to Liam about her difficulties and Ian offers compassion, the first reaction she has is to lean in for a kiss. Kudos to Liam for fending her off. He's right. Her head is all over the place, and the next thing Liam might be facing is another teenaged union of taking on Cindy and her child, only for TJ or some other hunk with ripped abs to come along and turn her head.

I'm wondering if Cindy's talk about waking up in the morning and finding that she has a daughter like a bad dream, even questioning her love for her child is foreshadowing? She spoke about walking away from the baby. I wonder if that's a possibility in the future. Hell, I'll bet it is, leaving Ian and supercilious Jane to have the baby of their dreams ... with the Cindy gene.

That wouldn't surprise me.

Comic Relief. Masood and Kush. Both deserve better. When did Masood morph into Alfie?

Two Bad Brothers and a Bad Mother. The other interesting scene of the night occurred between Ian and Ben at the cafe. I would suspect that Ben is the latest red herring in the Who Killed Lucy, considering what Ben knows about what's buried in the allotment (in Patrick's particular allotment, to be precise), and the sneaky way he insinuated the question about the authorities being any close to finding Lucy's killer. I can't see Ben being re-introduced just to be revealed as Lucy's killer, but I am interested in knowing how he came about her purse and phone.

And Jane is back, looking for Bobby. Bobby is missing. Bobby is eleven years old. I bloody ask you ... who would put an eleven year-old, on his own, on a train from Birmingham to London, on the child's say-so that he'd been e-mailing and in contact with his father? A mother without one modicum of common sense, that's who. Didn't Jane ever think to follow up Bobby's word with a phone call to Ian, confirming that the visit was OK before Bobby's journey? And in this day and age, who would trust sending a young child like that on his own on an inner-city train to London? Is she sane?

Obviously not, considering she entered Ian's home by the backdoor (after repeatedly calling his phone, which he'd left behind and put on vibrate), with the same look on her face that she had the day Bobby demolished the house, at the age of four, with a bottle of ketchup.

Ian should sue for full custody.