Well, I leave it to the French to sum it up in the most Gallic of ways ...
Good God, EastEnders! What is happening to this programme. I'll tell you what's happening ... nothing. There's not a single storyline going on at the moment in which any but the most plebeian of viewers (that's you, xTonix) or even the newly risen mystery baiters who write in text-ese and defend this programme to the hilt in a way curiously reminiscent of the professional plant, installed in an opinion forum to encourage positive comments by bullyboy methods (that would be IceDragon1), would enjoy.
Nothing is happening. Absolutely nothing. And for the audience, it's like hanging around waiting for paint to dry and thinking the next wonderful thing is just around the corner. I'm not sure if there are any characters left that I like.
The stench of Brookside looms closer.
Still in mediaeval mode, I was thinking today that the Plantagenets left us with the daddy of all whodunnits, one that has yet to be solved; but given unto the hands of the retcon Queen Emer Kenny, she who holds history of no import since it happened before she was born, I'll bet she could write an episode that would solve the mystery of the Princes in the Tower ... This'll sound familiar.
(Setting: Ye Borough of Walloughford, 1483 ... a dark and dirty figure slinks through the fog and into one of the hovels off King Edward Square).
Voice from the darkness: 'Ello Ma.
Dame Dot: Oooh, I say, Nick! Wot you doin'round'ere? You know the 'igh Sheriff's forbid you from comin' round.
Nick: I know, Ma, but I'm on a mission fer one o' The Lord Protector's family.
Dame Dot: Who? Lord Max?
Nick: Not 'im. 'Is bruvver.
Dame Dot: Oh, the Bishop. Now there's a holy man. The Bishop Jack's always about doin' the Lord's work. Why, 'e's took in that bawd Roxanne what has the child who don't talk. Ever so 'elpful, he was ... but 'ere, Nick ... I ain't one to gossip, but you know I was down the market the other day and 'eard tell that them two young Mitchell princes ain't been seen playin' on the Tower ramparts for days now.
Nick (nervously): Shhh, Ma! You don't wanna be talkin' that much now. 'Ere, I been to the Tower, meself. You ain't gonna see vem kids no more either.
Dame Dot: Wot you mean, Nick?
Nick: They're toast, Ma. Somebody didn't watch'em too close ... and they fell off them ramparts.
Dot (suspiciously): Nick ... wot d'yer mean ... fell? It was you that did it, wasn't it? You did it fer Lord Max. Oh, poor King Philth. Poor Queen Sharon. Poor young Ben and Dennis. Dead.
Nick: It ain't fer Lord Max, Ma. I did it fer yer'oly Bishop. Bishop Jack had an axe ter grind with King Philth. And any and all in the land will say that King Philth killed'is own son and 'is wife's one.
Dot: Oh, dear ... pour me a Malmsey, will yer, Nick? For medicinal purposes, you understand. 'Ere, 'ow's Dottie?
Nick: Ain't you 'eard, Ma? They burned 'er at the stake last monf fer witchcraft.
Oh,well .. onto the real episode ...
The Branning Girls Deserve a Slap ... Same Old Same Old.
I decided, watching this, that one day I hope Max lashes out and smacks the living shit out of both Lauren and Abi.
I hate this high-minded sanctimonious attitude they take whenever they perceive Max has done something wrong, an attitude which always ends with them telling him to leave, which is what happened in this episode.
Lauren is a particularly bad piece of skank. (May I echo the sentiments of a commentator from a national paper today in saying that Jacqueline Jossa is, without a doubt, the. worst.actress.ever.)
Here's Lauren pouring a generous serving of white wine early in the afternoon - remind you of anyone else? - and when Max remarks about that, she pointedly tells him that he doesn't tell her what to do.
Well, that's fucking big of her. Especially since the day before, she broke Usain Bolt's record in sprinting across the Square to cadge money off Max. They needed Max, the pair of them, when Granny Goodwitch Cora the Bora took all the money Mommie Dearest left for their upkeep and spent it on booze and fags. That's when Max comes in handy. So what he should have done when he was summarily ordered out of the house tonight was to tell them not to come to him with hands extended wanting money for school trips and the like.
Silly Abi throwing a strop and refusing Max's money tonight will give her ample opportunity to blame Max for her failing her exams, when the other week she was electing to run around with Lola, Jay and the Little Cock, rather than study for her exams.
Lauren's little lecture was a treat, considering it was about respect, something about which she knows nothing. It's about time someone apprised these kids of their mother's behaviour - like how she came to meet and marry their father in the first place. Let's see how they would react to the fact that Mommie Dearest deliberately got up the duff so that Max had to abandon his wife Rachel and his son Bradley. It might be interesting to get them to consider what Bradley thought about Tanya - pretty much the same thing they're feeling about Kirsty now - except that Tanya was, then, the other woman, and that's exactly what she is now.
So Abi needs to wise up and both need to be apprised of something, now that the penny's dropped and Lauren's realised that Kirsty is actually Max's wife. Here's the truth once again, for what it's worth:- Tanya cheated on Greg with Max. Tanya led the girls to believe that Max had talked her into it, when it really was six of one and half-a-dozen of another. And Max, rather chivalrously, allowed them to believe it, even allowing them - yet again -to order him away from Walford.
Now the clincher, O Abi of the One Braincell: Your dad was divorced when he left Walford, just like your mother was when she married Gormless Greg.
So basically, it was OK for Mommie to marry again, but not Daddy; because Max met Kirsty and fell in love. As you do. And they married. And, just for good measure, Kirsty understands and accepts Max in a way your scrubbed-up white trash mother never did.
The truth is: Max has moved on. He doesn't love Tanya anymore. He never really loved her. He was comfortable with her and was fond of her as she was the mother of his children. Her latest behaviour and Kirsty's predicament caused him to have an epiphany and realise that he loved Kirsty.
As for Lauren's throw-away line about London being so small, she's fucking lucky she's been spoiled rotten and surrounded by a family willing to give her sanctuary when she's in trouble. Lauren should learn what it's like to be really alone. I hope she does.
These little bitches need a slap to help then suck it up. And as they're both so skint, who gave them money for the chips they were gobbling as they mourned on the Square?
The Toad Is Dead. Long Live Toad II.
Well, we all saw it coming, and one has to wonder if some of the writers keep a wary eye cocked towards various of the discussion fora abundant on the internet. Pete Lawson wrote tonight's episode, and gave the line of the night to Michael Moon to Joey Branning:-
Blimey, you know, you're boring.
Sorry, the lines of the night ...
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Yep, Derek dies and his spirit enters Joey's soul. Actually, no it didn't. It was always there. It's patently obvious now that the only woman about whom Joey really gives a damn is is sister. Lauren the lip - (AKA "Laaaawwwn" in Joey-ese) - is just a fuckbuddy related by blood.
Yuck.
He treats My Aa-aaass like a dimwitted child, but who's the dimwit now? He finds earrings in her bag - and what's he doing snouching through her bag? - and assumes that not only is she working for Michael Moon, she's sleeping with him too.
I'm not the biggest fan of Michael, and I detest what he did and what he's about to do to Janine, but I'm glad he took dumbass Joey down a peg, at least.
Shitney - Who Cares?
Not only does this awful and uninteresting storyline make me realise how redundant Whitney, with her ingrained permatan and her new hair extensions, is; it also makes me realise how much of a gypsy she is, and one wonders why Lorraine Newman is plucking these two bores from the background to where they were consigned for a year, and forcing them down our throat again.
I mean, is it every Valentine's Day approaching that we have to suffer Whitney and Tyler?
The only other observation I'd like to make is how awful Bianca and Carol were in this instance. Whitney is 20 years old. The truth is, she can get married and leave the Butcher abode, if she wants. Yes, Bianca was married when she was twenty years old; and the very next year, she was fucking her mother's fiance' - whom she started fucking when she was really fifteen and he was a man in his thirties ... and that was rape. This was also the same Bianca who was hot for a fifteen year-old Whitney to sleep with twenty-one year-old Callum Monks.
The real reason behind their indignation at Whitney daring to get engaged, if the look on Carol's face is anything to go by, is sheer jealousy.
I really want this lot - Shitney and Bianca - to leave.
The Rude Masoods.
Ayesha left everything for last, didn't she? After weeks of coming across as a wet blanket crossed with a stalker, she finally lets rip to Zainab about her feelings for Masood, and how badly Zainab treats Masood. I wish someone would do the same to Kat, about the way she treated Alfie; but like Zainab, Kat would only make herself the victim - the way Zainab did tonight, asking Ayesha to leave and then playing up the situation to Masood.
I know everything.
It's a shit ending for Nina Wadia's character, and she showed tonight why she's one of the strongest actresses on the show. She'll be missed.
Observation: Scene of the night was Tamwar and Kamil in the cafe. Kamil's a cutie, and he'll be missed too. And he talks, unlike Amy.
Stars of the Show: Denise and Lucy. How ironic that it's a second time around for Lucy Beale to have a cancer scare, although I doubt many viewers, much less the writers, would remember the Millennium episode and Ian's shortest marriage ever. I loved Denise's strength for Lucy, and thought Hetti Bywater played a blinder.
And for the sage on Digital Spy who reckoned that Lucy meant Ian wasn't "there" mentally for her, she didn't. She actually did mean that Ian wasn't there. He is in America.
Get a grip. And that goes for EastEnders too.
Good God, EastEnders! What is happening to this programme. I'll tell you what's happening ... nothing. There's not a single storyline going on at the moment in which any but the most plebeian of viewers (that's you, xTonix) or even the newly risen mystery baiters who write in text-ese and defend this programme to the hilt in a way curiously reminiscent of the professional plant, installed in an opinion forum to encourage positive comments by bullyboy methods (that would be IceDragon1), would enjoy.
Nothing is happening. Absolutely nothing. And for the audience, it's like hanging around waiting for paint to dry and thinking the next wonderful thing is just around the corner. I'm not sure if there are any characters left that I like.
The stench of Brookside looms closer.
Still in mediaeval mode, I was thinking today that the Plantagenets left us with the daddy of all whodunnits, one that has yet to be solved; but given unto the hands of the retcon Queen Emer Kenny, she who holds history of no import since it happened before she was born, I'll bet she could write an episode that would solve the mystery of the Princes in the Tower ... This'll sound familiar.
(Setting: Ye Borough of Walloughford, 1483 ... a dark and dirty figure slinks through the fog and into one of the hovels off King Edward Square).
Voice from the darkness: 'Ello Ma.
Dame Dot: Oooh, I say, Nick! Wot you doin'round'ere? You know the 'igh Sheriff's forbid you from comin' round.
Nick: I know, Ma, but I'm on a mission fer one o' The Lord Protector's family.
Dame Dot: Who? Lord Max?
Nick: Not 'im. 'Is bruvver.
Dame Dot: Oh, the Bishop. Now there's a holy man. The Bishop Jack's always about doin' the Lord's work. Why, 'e's took in that bawd Roxanne what has the child who don't talk. Ever so 'elpful, he was ... but 'ere, Nick ... I ain't one to gossip, but you know I was down the market the other day and 'eard tell that them two young Mitchell princes ain't been seen playin' on the Tower ramparts for days now.
Nick (nervously): Shhh, Ma! You don't wanna be talkin' that much now. 'Ere, I been to the Tower, meself. You ain't gonna see vem kids no more either.
Dame Dot: Wot you mean, Nick?
Nick: They're toast, Ma. Somebody didn't watch'em too close ... and they fell off them ramparts.
Dot (suspiciously): Nick ... wot d'yer mean ... fell? It was you that did it, wasn't it? You did it fer Lord Max. Oh, poor King Philth. Poor Queen Sharon. Poor young Ben and Dennis. Dead.
Nick: It ain't fer Lord Max, Ma. I did it fer yer'oly Bishop. Bishop Jack had an axe ter grind with King Philth. And any and all in the land will say that King Philth killed'is own son and 'is wife's one.
Dot: Oh, dear ... pour me a Malmsey, will yer, Nick? For medicinal purposes, you understand. 'Ere, 'ow's Dottie?
Nick: Ain't you 'eard, Ma? They burned 'er at the stake last monf fer witchcraft.
Oh,well .. onto the real episode ...
The Branning Girls Deserve a Slap ... Same Old Same Old.
I decided, watching this, that one day I hope Max lashes out and smacks the living shit out of both Lauren and Abi.
I hate this high-minded sanctimonious attitude they take whenever they perceive Max has done something wrong, an attitude which always ends with them telling him to leave, which is what happened in this episode.
Lauren is a particularly bad piece of skank. (May I echo the sentiments of a commentator from a national paper today in saying that Jacqueline Jossa is, without a doubt, the. worst.actress.ever.)
Here's Lauren pouring a generous serving of white wine early in the afternoon - remind you of anyone else? - and when Max remarks about that, she pointedly tells him that he doesn't tell her what to do.
Well, that's fucking big of her. Especially since the day before, she broke Usain Bolt's record in sprinting across the Square to cadge money off Max. They needed Max, the pair of them, when Granny Goodwitch Cora the Bora took all the money Mommie Dearest left for their upkeep and spent it on booze and fags. That's when Max comes in handy. So what he should have done when he was summarily ordered out of the house tonight was to tell them not to come to him with hands extended wanting money for school trips and the like.
Silly Abi throwing a strop and refusing Max's money tonight will give her ample opportunity to blame Max for her failing her exams, when the other week she was electing to run around with Lola, Jay and the Little Cock, rather than study for her exams.
Lauren's little lecture was a treat, considering it was about respect, something about which she knows nothing. It's about time someone apprised these kids of their mother's behaviour - like how she came to meet and marry their father in the first place. Let's see how they would react to the fact that Mommie Dearest deliberately got up the duff so that Max had to abandon his wife Rachel and his son Bradley. It might be interesting to get them to consider what Bradley thought about Tanya - pretty much the same thing they're feeling about Kirsty now - except that Tanya was, then, the other woman, and that's exactly what she is now.
So Abi needs to wise up and both need to be apprised of something, now that the penny's dropped and Lauren's realised that Kirsty is actually Max's wife. Here's the truth once again, for what it's worth:- Tanya cheated on Greg with Max. Tanya led the girls to believe that Max had talked her into it, when it really was six of one and half-a-dozen of another. And Max, rather chivalrously, allowed them to believe it, even allowing them - yet again -to order him away from Walford.
Now the clincher, O Abi of the One Braincell: Your dad was divorced when he left Walford, just like your mother was when she married Gormless Greg.
So basically, it was OK for Mommie to marry again, but not Daddy; because Max met Kirsty and fell in love. As you do. And they married. And, just for good measure, Kirsty understands and accepts Max in a way your scrubbed-up white trash mother never did.
The truth is: Max has moved on. He doesn't love Tanya anymore. He never really loved her. He was comfortable with her and was fond of her as she was the mother of his children. Her latest behaviour and Kirsty's predicament caused him to have an epiphany and realise that he loved Kirsty.
As for Lauren's throw-away line about London being so small, she's fucking lucky she's been spoiled rotten and surrounded by a family willing to give her sanctuary when she's in trouble. Lauren should learn what it's like to be really alone. I hope she does.
These little bitches need a slap to help then suck it up. And as they're both so skint, who gave them money for the chips they were gobbling as they mourned on the Square?
The Toad Is Dead. Long Live Toad II.
Well, we all saw it coming, and one has to wonder if some of the writers keep a wary eye cocked towards various of the discussion fora abundant on the internet. Pete Lawson wrote tonight's episode, and gave the line of the night to Michael Moon to Joey Branning:-
Blimey, you know, you're boring.
Sorry, the lines of the night ...
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Yep, Derek dies and his spirit enters Joey's soul. Actually, no it didn't. It was always there. It's patently obvious now that the only woman about whom Joey really gives a damn is is sister. Lauren the lip - (AKA "Laaaawwwn" in Joey-ese) - is just a fuckbuddy related by blood.
Yuck.
He treats My Aa-aaass like a dimwitted child, but who's the dimwit now? He finds earrings in her bag - and what's he doing snouching through her bag? - and assumes that not only is she working for Michael Moon, she's sleeping with him too.
I'm not the biggest fan of Michael, and I detest what he did and what he's about to do to Janine, but I'm glad he took dumbass Joey down a peg, at least.
Shitney - Who Cares?
Not only does this awful and uninteresting storyline make me realise how redundant Whitney, with her ingrained permatan and her new hair extensions, is; it also makes me realise how much of a gypsy she is, and one wonders why Lorraine Newman is plucking these two bores from the background to where they were consigned for a year, and forcing them down our throat again.
I mean, is it every Valentine's Day approaching that we have to suffer Whitney and Tyler?
The only other observation I'd like to make is how awful Bianca and Carol were in this instance. Whitney is 20 years old. The truth is, she can get married and leave the Butcher abode, if she wants. Yes, Bianca was married when she was twenty years old; and the very next year, she was fucking her mother's fiance' - whom she started fucking when she was really fifteen and he was a man in his thirties ... and that was rape. This was also the same Bianca who was hot for a fifteen year-old Whitney to sleep with twenty-one year-old Callum Monks.
The real reason behind their indignation at Whitney daring to get engaged, if the look on Carol's face is anything to go by, is sheer jealousy.
I really want this lot - Shitney and Bianca - to leave.
The Rude Masoods.
Ayesha left everything for last, didn't she? After weeks of coming across as a wet blanket crossed with a stalker, she finally lets rip to Zainab about her feelings for Masood, and how badly Zainab treats Masood. I wish someone would do the same to Kat, about the way she treated Alfie; but like Zainab, Kat would only make herself the victim - the way Zainab did tonight, asking Ayesha to leave and then playing up the situation to Masood.
I know everything.
It's a shit ending for Nina Wadia's character, and she showed tonight why she's one of the strongest actresses on the show. She'll be missed.
Observation: Scene of the night was Tamwar and Kamil in the cafe. Kamil's a cutie, and he'll be missed too. And he talks, unlike Amy.
Stars of the Show: Denise and Lucy. How ironic that it's a second time around for Lucy Beale to have a cancer scare, although I doubt many viewers, much less the writers, would remember the Millennium episode and Ian's shortest marriage ever. I loved Denise's strength for Lucy, and thought Hetti Bywater played a blinder.
And for the sage on Digital Spy who reckoned that Lucy meant Ian wasn't "there" mentally for her, she didn't. She actually did mean that Ian wasn't there. He is in America.
Get a grip. And that goes for EastEnders too.
You write better reviews than any newspaper critic.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Others may not agree and others may filch my opinions and pass them off as their own.
DeleteI see Princess Perfect is still copying the main crux's of your arguments.
DeleteI'm just pleased to see Denise being used more. She has a fantastic maternal air about her and seeing her console Lucy was a joy to watch. If this is their attempt at building ties between her and the Beale family then I couldn't be happier. Maybe they're planning something really radical and -shock horror- building a relationship between two people who already have families of their own without going down the usual wicked-stepmother/mischevious-stepdaughter route. This could be a great move for both the Beales and Denise. Strengthen the Beale unit and move Denise away from being wasted in favour of the absurd Kim. I just hope they don't fuck it up.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note - are they going to give us any explanation as to how Ian can afford to go to the USA to visit Michelle considering he was recently on the verge of bankruptcy? Or is it just another one of those things we just have to accept without explanation?