Monday, February 11, 2013

Eastenders (For the Moment): Life's a Bitch - Review 11.02.2013

The Pope resigned today. The job was just getting too much for the old bloke. He was punching above his weight in a world which saw the Church exposed for child abuse, the Magdalen launderies, women's rights and gay marriage. He knew when to bow out.

It's a shame that someone else who's punching against her weight doesn't know when it's time to bow out.

In the South, where I come from, it's said a lady always knows when to go ... are you listening, Lorraine?

On the day the Pope resigned, Lorraine gives us a masterclass in how to redeem one spent character at the cost of sacrificing another.

Rattle Rattle Rattle, Here Come the Cattle: Bianca and Katshit.

Cue Bianca's Theme:-



Bianca is still poor. Not only is she still poor, she has ugly kids. Not just ugly kids, but ugly obnoxious kids. Tiffany is rude, overbearing, entitled, spoiled and demanding. She's the typical kid who was a cute youngster, but who's growing into a gingery, whiney, plain-faced adolescent. Tiffany wants a new bag.

Morgan Le Fat has had a haircut. Now that we can see his face, he's Morgan Le Fatter. So much for birth father Ray's involvement with his son. He seems to avoid him like the plague now. And even though Morgan is a year older than fey DamienDen, Morgan is still scribbling on walls with magic marker - you know, like Kamil or Amy might do.

So there you go. Tiffany is ugly and unpleasant, Morgan is fat, Whitney is the original dirty girl (as in she always looks as though she needs a bath), and poor pitiful Liam just looks embarrassed  to be on the verge of turning seventeen and playing a kid who's just turned fourteen. He's sprouting facial hair, and I suppose Bianca can say that he really takes after his grandad Frank, because Liam's balls have dropped and he sounds like a man; and his grandad's voice was so damned deep, his balls must have been dragging the ground.

I know some indignant member of the thought police, or maybe *Betty* will probably get all hot, bothered and self-righteous about what I said above, but it's the truth, and I'm only saying what a lot of people think but refrain from saying because of the bully fanbois. I don't give a rat's arse. The Butchers are an unpleasant family who deserve all the bad luck that befalls them. They have a feckless mother who, on a good day, possesses half a brain cell, and who can't cope with parenting, herself, without having someone older, more experienced and more grounded to do the heavy work.

Bianca can't speak below a shrieking pitch, and the continuous story of her poverty is getting boring - basically because it's all so unrealistic, and also because she's so fucking ungrateful, rude and entitled, herself. Twitter was awash a few weeks ago with unfounded rumours about Patsy Palmer being pregnant again. I really hope that's true, because I'd love to see this woman who treats this programme like an occasional cash cow, leave for good. And I hope she's not asked to return.

Since Bianca's returned from prison, she's attempted hairdressing and cleaning and failed miserably at both. Now she's on a market stall again and basking on her past glories. It's not long before she pinches some of her stock as a "gift" for Whitney (which she'll re-sell again as new), she's patching a hole on Tiffany's bag with masking tape, and she's grabbing the offer of a sub from Kat to help pay for  Liam's school trip.

Noble Bianca.

She even tells her probation officer that she takes the minimum in benefits. Even nobler Bianca. Call Me Dave Cameron would be proud - and EastEnders is preaching the Tory mantra of reduced benefits and self-help. EastEnders has now officially become a Tory mouthpiece.

Of course, we had a contrived faux comedy introduction of Carol to Steve, Bianca's probation officer who - surprise surprise - happens to be roughly Carol's age. Forget about any bonding she might have with Masood. That simply won't happen. Here's money which says sometime int he near future we see Steve again, giving Carol the fish eye and imagining her shower moment.

As for Liam, I'm sorry, but I can't see what all the gushing fuss is about on some of the fora about James Forde, Walford Web Kindergarten in particular. He has a monotone delivery and looks gormless at the best of times. When his purported Comic Relief gangabanga storyline occurs, it will be like the Pillsbury Doughboy attempting West Side Story.



And with the gang most likely being white, middle-class wannabes from the portals of Sylvia Young, Anna Scher's or Olivia Conti's, the gang will most likely be more at home doing this sort of gangland activity ...



Now we have the other bovine beauty - Kat the slut. As Bianca is so poor and looking increasingly dowdy, Kat is never seen nowadays in the same outfit twice. A different coat every day, new and less revealing dresses, various fashion boots. 

Ach, who am I kidding? She still looks like a man in drag. In fact, EastEnders should do an episode where they have actual drag queens play various parts - Cora, Kim, Kat, Shirley and Sharon. You wouldn't know the difference.

Kat is another entitled bitch. She misses Alfie, as she finally admits to him in her deception at calling him over for Tommy's sudden "illness." 

Lorraine Newman is stating the bleeding obvious in her open and blatant attempts to redeem Kat in the eyes of the viewers, and it's working with the brain dead, like this little fruit flower from Digital Sky fora:-



Kat thinks all she has to do is look pitifully sad, play the Tommy card and Alfie will come running. The fact that she thinks all she has to do is tell him she misses him will make up for all the heartache she's wantonly (emphasis on that word) caused him during the past two years. Why should Alfie want to return to her? She's cheated and lied repeatedly, and she wasn't above using Tommy as a shield to keep Alfie at bay when she was at the height of her affair with Derek. He simply doesn't trust her anymore, and he's still reeling from the betrayal. 

If the shoe were on the other foot, and if Alfie had been repeatedly unfaithful to Kat, the likes of Digital Spy's zombie-fied fruit flower (complete with eaten brain) would be the first baying for Alfie's blood, and the majority of viewers would, rightly, adhere. The most baffling aspect of Kat's post-reveal behaviour is that she still hasn't taken on board the fact that her actions and hers alone were responsible for her marriage breakdown. She's not once acknowledged this, nor has she apologised to Alfie, sincerely, for the hurt she's caused him. And that is not only ignorance, it's sheer arrogance.

And furthermore, it's an insult to the intelligence of any viewer with the capacity to think critically that this shit is foisted on us by someone who's paid a handsome salary with our licence fee money and is clearly clueless about the job she's doing.

What's It All About, Alfie?



One of Walford Web Kindergarten's sages suggests that Alfie and Kat be allowed to separate, divorce and move on - because in the real world, you know, people do that. Well, in the real world, divorced people don't live next door to or across the street from each other. In the early days of separation, they don't flaunt their newest other halves in the faces of their exes.

In short, when an established couple splits, someone moves away from the vicinity (as in leaving the soap?) Until Diederick Santer's reign, this is what happened in Walford. Now, when an established couple splits and they hang around, that's a recipe for reunion, and this is what we know has been decreed for Alfie and Kat.

Does Alfie still love Kat? Yes. Even in the most callous of betrayals, the betrayed doesn't turn love into hatred over night.

Ian didn't stop loving Cindy when she left him for Simon Wicks. He wouldn't have taken her back if he had. Grant certainly didn't stop loving Sharon; it took him years to exorcise her demons; and when she returned briefly in the 90s, he was ready to have her back. He slept with and impregnated her.Ricky didn't stop loving Bianca when she betrayed him with Dan Sullivan.

Even if the line between love and hatred is thin, the emotions aren't that simple. Alfie is hurt. He still loves Kat, but he knows he can't trust her; and without trust, there's no such thing as a marriage. When the truth came out about Kat and Derek - more that she'd not told him the entire truth when he initially found out about her infidelity - he probably felt a profound sense of rejection and his self-esteem took a massive knock.

Alfie, the person who'd always been there to listen to and cheer up someone else in sorrow, the giver, the carer, now needed caring for, himself. And Roxy stepped into the breach.

He's genuinely trying to move on and away from Kat, but he wants to do good by her for Tommy's sake,hence the loan for the stall. At the moment, he's once bitten twice shy with her, but it's been once bitten too many times. I believe he sincerely wants to make a successful relationship with Roxy, but Kat's continuous presence is a hamper to that.

Alfie got a shot in the arm and a new lease on life with Roxy in the spring as a character. He should be allowed to move on, and Kat should have been axed.

The Sacrificial Lamb: Roxy



In case you didn't get the message Newman was filtering out this evening, it's this:-

Life's a bitch and so is Roxy.

Well, here are the facts, even though Miss Fruit Flower of Digital Spy Soap Forum is too up her own backside to acknowledge the reality ... cast your minds back.

Roxy fell in love with Alfie. In point of fact, this is probably the first adult feeling of love Roxy's ever experienced, even though she's in her mid-thirties. She told Alfie her feelings last spring. Alfie was very quick to tell her nicely that he was a married man, with a family and a business; in another place and time, maybe he and Roxy would have had a future, but he was with Kat. And Roxy backed off from pursuit.

She was there for Alfie when Kat betrayed him in the worst way. So shut up about Roxy jumping in Kat's bed, because that's bullshit. How long was Kat away from Alfie, when he went to prison before she fucked the walking cadaver Michael Moon? One bloody night. She couldn't keep her stinky knickers on that long.

Of course, she feels insecure in this relationship. Roxy's been around long enough to know what a rebounder is, and she's hoping this isn't that. Still, she sees Kat every day, sees Alfie talking to her - although she knows they have to communicate; they have a child, after all. 

Yet Alfie is treading on eggshells between the two. He tells porkies to Roxy in order to spare her worrying about him seeing Kat, which is not the thing to do, and when she finds out the truth, it feeds her insecurities that much more and makes her appear desperate.

Think about what Roxy's lost, however: She was incredibly close to her sister, who treated her as a surrogate child. Ronnie is now in prison. Archie, her dad, is dead. Her mother left Walford. Peggy is gone. Phil treats her like a bastard at a family reunion. Christian married and moved on. And contrary to what some would have you believe, Roxy is not a slut; but Newman is one rabbit short of making her a full-fledged bunny boiler in order to save Saint Kat.

In a way, she was right to take Tommy down to Kat, instead of allowing Alfie to do it. Kat's bitchy reaction behind her back was natural; Bianca's was just mean. Roxy offered Bianca a job on the street, and she reacted ungratefully. In reality, Roxy's done nothing to either of these women, most notably, Kat. In fact, Roxy seems to spend more time than Kat does looking after Kat's son, but there's no surprise there.

Roxy's been a part of this programme for six years now, and most of that time, she's spent playing second fiddle to her miserable sister. Now, she's about to be sacrificed, as Vanessa was, just so the show's latest yo-yo couple can reunite.

They even wrote her as Queen Bitch in her dealing with Kirsty, although why Kirsty would think she could walk right back into her old job simply because she was "experienced" barstaff is arrogant, to say the least. When Kirsty left that night - and left suddenly and without notice - she gave everyone the impression that this was it, she was gone for good.To return and be expected to slot right into her old job was presumptuous. Roxy reacted badly, but Kirsty gave as good as she got.

Bullshit.

Pat Is Alive and Well and Living In Walford

That's "Pat" as in "Patrick."

The best scene of the night was when Patrick offered some fatherly advice to Kirsty, in what could have been a porky pie fable about his youthful encounter with cricketing legend Sir Clive Lloyd. It pays to be nice, which is a good lesson for most of the assholes inhabiting the show now, because no one is really very nice, except perhaps Patrick and Alfie.

I love Patrick, and one of the few things that pleases me about Newman is that she seems to have opted for a patriarch this time instead of the ubiquitous matriarch; but then she'll probably fuck it all up by involving him romantically with that smelly, old skag, Cora the Bora.

A "Beaches" Interlude for Denise.

Cue Bette Midler:-



The moment Mas sadly delivers the post to Denise and leaves ... the camera panning slowly away from Denise as she silently realises that Zainab has gone for good .. the way she almost choked on her tears when she told Mas that if Zainab wanted her wages, she'd have to call in the shop for them ... the way she started to cry when she told Patrick that Zainab had left forever.

Two-and-a-Half Men.

The two men being Masood and Tamwar, and the half being ... well, you know, Ajay. Reality has bitten, and Tamwar's taking it in his usual Tamwar depressed way that his mother has left.

I wonder if TPTB shouldn't examine Tamwar's feelings of self-worth, low self-esteem and depression. His wife left him, his business failed and he blames himself for his family's financial predicament. As a result of that, he's lost interest in everything and has to be pushed and prodded by Masood, who uses a sort of encouragement dialogue and technique that you'd use on a small child, in order to get him to do anything. Tamwar, one thinks, would rather be lying in bed, feeling awfully sorry for himself.

So he's about to become the assistant market inspector, just like the previous geek, Bradley ... but without the charm.

Oh well, at least he's not a Branning.

Observation: Lola is still unlikeable, however much she wants to prove herself, her attitude could do with an overhaul. So the unseen Gaynor still works for Tanya. She's worked there for years, so why isn't she left in charge, instead of dippy Poppy, who's been there all of five minutes? And, finally, Rachel Bright proves that Poppy's yet another female village idiot who uses silly voices and puerile observations (Little Mo, Honey, Jodie Gold), but can sound like a proper adult when the occasion arises.


3 comments:

  1. Alfie has been in an abusive relationship for a decade and if he isn't being belittled or lied to he feels uncomfortable its sad but understandable. Roxy is upfront honest with him when she learns of his lies and wants it ironed out then and there Alfie and Kat would ignore the lie for months and then use it as an excuse to hurt the other. Alfie doesn't know what to do with himself in a healthy relationship. The only other person besides Kat we've seen him with was Little Mo and she was scared of sex and a fragile single mom scared of her own shadow so he was the caretaker. With Kat the abused becoming the abuser after getting the reaction of Alfie breaking down she turns back into victim again Leaving Alfie feeling responsibly to roleplay this over and over again until she can excise her demons but like Kat said this wasn't just sex this time it wasn't just fling she actually thought she was falling in love with Derek. She knew Alfie would forgive her a sexual transgression so she needed to commit a worse act to play out her ignored abuser victim cycle that would allow her to feel okay receiving love and affirmations from Alfie. Roxy on the other hand, no doubt largely due to her sister who was born to be a mom like dot said. Has done all she can for Roxy and now being in jail Roxy is on her own like a proper adult for the first time and she's actually soaring. She decided not to be a homewrecker with both Max and Alfie, she treats Jean so kindly(even tho Jean treats her like a stranger who just showed up not the ex daughter in law she is when Jean and Mo were getting protective over Alfie saying he's family uh yeah guess what Roxy was your family for a time once 2 until your son stole Amy and almost killed Roxy on a frozen lake) She was great with Shenice, she stood up to Derek, she has been there for Jack, and still keeps James in her heart all the things she promised Ronnie. She is a single mom, who can provide for her child w/o a man, she doesn't need anything from Alfie other than just him and it freaks him out because he has always had to put himself last in relationships to be the carer but Roxy doesnt need "lookin after" as Kat always claims she does. Remember when "Tommy" died Roxy was the only one, THE ONLY ONE to ask how Alfie was and even tho he screamed this at Kat, that he had lost a baby 2, she still acted surprised a week later to find out he was hurting so much at the loss of "Tommy."

    Sorry for going on too much but arrgh! I know the writers don't see this or remember older storylines are think things through all that much and it drives me crazy that this actually needs pointing out. Kat=abuser/sicko she slept with Derek who looks just like HARRY!!!!, Alfie=Rhiannah honey have some self respect. Roxy= functioning adult, Jean apparently has the memory of fruit fly, every time Jean is around Roxy and acts unfomortable as if Roxy is new in her life I want to scream she was a slater! she tried on ridiculous wedding dresses just to please you and she's Ronnie's sister, you know Ronnie the one who let you throw baby clothes at her as you broke down even tho your daughter killed her father… Roxy's father as well only seconds later to be looking after baby Amy as Roxy screamed for help in the sq. Ronnie forgave you let Stacey go out of respect for Danielle and sat on those stairs with you until you were ready to go to hospital, Kat is not the only person who has ever looked out for you!

    feeling a bit better having got that off my chest, thanks.

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  2. The opposite of love isn't hate - the opposite of love is not caring. Which, if apply that certainly to Alfie's actions towards Kat (who I don't want to see back together, by the way) makes much more sense in terms of your assessment of why he's acting the way he is around her now. He still cares - as did the other examples you gave - and that doesn't die overnight. Sometimes it doesn't die at all, even though the love does. You can not love someone any more any still care (as I know myself - but that's another story) but unless you care enough then love cannot survive. The question being asked by those who have a vested interest in Kat and Alfie is "does he/could he/would he care enough to make a reunion believable?"

    I'm sure you'll call me a self-righteous member of the thought police for saying that, whilst you can dissect the Butcher family as characterised on screen all you like, I wish you would/could leave Devon whatsit's real life physicality out of it. It's an issue for his parents to deal with (and any health professional who may be working with the family) and yes, commenting on his acting (or the lack of it) is fair game, but not something he cannot change unless helped to do so by the adults around him. If he was 10 years older and that weight, then fine - it's up to him to control - but he can only eat what his parents put in front of him (or encourage him to eat). In some cultures it's considered impolite not to eat what your parents cook, and those cultures also value food in a different way to others. If anyone at EE has an issue with it (and I'm sure you'll say they should) then they'll deal with it. But in the meantime, say what you like about Morgan the character, but there is no need (and it doesn't improve your assessment of the family one bit) by bringing in bits of real life that cannot, at present, be helped. You don't like the word, I know, but to constantly refer to someone's weight, especially a child's weight, so often and with a 'humorous' (but only to some) nickname attached is classed as a form of bullying these days. But most of all, take out the nicknames (and, likewise, the swear words) and is your review spoilt by their omission? Is it enhanced by them being there? Does it take away from the quality if they're not there? No x3! That, for some, is a measure of whether words are 'useful' and/or 'necessary', or just a sign of someone indulging their own sense of power, ego and self-importance by including them where they are not needed because they 'can' and they 'want to' and therefore they 'will'.

    I am sure you will take offence at that and probably call me all sorts of names under the sun and defend your right to write your blog in the way you want - maybe not too politely! But the 'why' still defeats me - why you think it (being offensive, that is) adds anything at all to what you have to say? Oh well, it was my choice to put my head in the lion's mouth and ask when I've seen what has happened to others on here who have done the same, but I've asked anyway!

    J.C.

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  3. I don't know why all the fuss about Liam going to the Olympic Park. Firstly, I thought it was just up the road from Walford anyway. Secondly, it's closed until July 2013. Do the writers not even do the most basic research?

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