Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a time-lapse of watching paint dry ...
It's a shame EastEnders can't do a time-lapse, the way tonight's episode dragged on and on and on and on and on ... It was a filler episode, the likes of which only the incompetent HollyOaks reject Perrie Balthazar can write, complete with Sharon doing the ubiquitous Miss Piggy impersonation opposite Toad Jnr, minus the talent of Kermit the Frog.
Simply put, what the hell is happening to EastEnders? Something is wrong when I can count on my right hand characters in whom I have some sort of interest and concern and still have fingers left over.
Tonight was just bits and bobs of spare parts cobbled together to create what Lorraine Newman is a warm, fuzzy sense of community. It doesn't. It just emphasises what characters are waffling about aimlessly in ever-decreasing circles in vignettes which have no relation to any other sort of storyline ... wait ... storylines?
Aye, there's the rub ... there are no storylines, just a window to watching people go about their daily, mundane and ordinary lives, with a lot of chav expostulating.
In other words, watching fucking paint dry.
A Word to the Wise Is Sufficient ... Wait - This is Bianca.
Here's some timeworn advice for Liam ... and Tamwar ... and Lauren ... and silly-ass Abi.
A mule, a fish and a pig ... you'd find all of those in the Butcher household: Bianca, Liam and Morgan Le Fatter.
Of course this is the opening salvo for the Comic Relief BBC Paedophile-Hiding Tory Mouthpiece Organisation's comment on gangs and gang culture - except that their gang depiction will be more West Side Story and less Afro-Caribbean and Asian youth-oriented.
Could this be Comic Relief's gangabanga ... more ballet than brickbats? I think so ... Maybe Liam could take dancing lessons in those elusive trainers we keep hearing about from Ben?
Liam bunks off school. Bianca and Carol bunked off school. So did Ricky. So did Kat. And Shirley.
Winners, everyone. As Shirley so blithely pointed out, every kid does it. I daresay that would be Bianca's attitude as well, and the only thing putting a rocket up her arse about Liam's truancy is the fact that she could go back to jail, thus paying the price for Liam's actions. In fact, her head's been so far up her mangy arse, getting the stall up and running, drinking all day and most of the night with Kat, baiting Roxy and thinking she's so fucking high and mighty.
Bianca is an abysmal mother. She may love her children, but love is not enough. She does absolutely nothing to curb their bad behaviour. The heavy work is left to Carol. In fact, without a Carol, a Pat or even a Ricky. Bianca decompensates. Mentally and emotionally, she's a child, herself, and a tedious one - unable to curb her anger and violent outbursts.
It's-A-Shame-About-Ray crops up, just dropping a new pair of football boots for Morgan Le Fatter, in which to waddle up the pitch. Parenting by presents is Ray's method, and so arrogant is he in his confidence that he readily volunteers to talk to Liam "man-to-man", which is a specious euphemism for offering fatherly advice.
Liam is right. Ray isn't his father, and a "man-to-man" chat about truancy over scrambled eggs when the kid is already late for school is more than a bit incongruous - especially Ray's snide and subtle dig at Ricky's absence by remarking that if Liam were his kid, he wouldn't be bunking off school, implying Ray's hand would be raised to ensure he was attending.
This is basically Liam's problem, and Carol alluded to it in an effort to enforce Bianca's entitlement and victim status by referencing her "rubbish" boyfriends. Ricky wasn't a rubbish dad. In fact, he was deprived of the knowledge that he had a daughter until she was six years old. He took on all of Bianca's brood, and it was Bianca, egged on by Carol - that's the same Carol who told Bianca that her marriage-ending affair with Dan Sullivan was a "youthful indiscretion." Well, for all of you who are too young or too thick to remember how seriously Carol took that youthful indiscretion, feast your eyes on Carol's and Bianca's little talk they had, after the shit hit the fan. Oh, and Bianca, even then, was playing the eternal victim, although Patsy Palmer wasn't phoning in her lines:-
And whoopidooo ... look who was writing for the Brannings even then! A bit more watchable than the tripe we have now, n'est-ce pas? And maybe La Balthazar should have askedPantsAshdown for some pointers, because in Bianca's little preamble to her argument with Liam, she spoke about how long she and Liam were together before Tiffany came along.
Dog's bollocks!
Bianca slept with Ricky and dumped Liam on him for two years whilst she left to find herself and found Nathan Dean soon enough to palm Tiffany off as his child.
Liam was rude to Bianca at the end, but that's the price you pay for raising your kids with a rude, mouthy, entitled and dishonest dimwit chav as a mother. Liam sees what a loser his mother is, and maybe she even equates him with his father, so Liam is a self-fulfilling prophecy for her. As I said, Bianca and her brood are the Billy Mitchells to the three families with whom she has ties - the godalmighty Brannings, the Beales and the Butchers.
Cart Liam and ugly Tiffany off to Ricky, hand Morgan Le Fatter back to Ray, who'll buy presents for him to keep him happy whilst Ray makes love with himself in the mirror and let Twitney get married. Then send Bianca back to jail. Don't let her pass GO and don't let her STEAL £200 quid.
Oh, and the idea of Shirley now popping up at opportune times to hand over timeworn placebos covering as advice to women who are well on their way to the altar of Shirleydom (in other words, slags and slappers) is laughable. First she's the Ghost of Christmas Past come to advise Kat how to "fight" for Alfie on Christmas Eve, and now she's the Good Witch of the East, complete with collagen filler smoothing out her face and the bags under her eyes with Bianca, in McKlunkeys. Bianca even does her signature crying scene.
Give me a break, and get rid of cash cow Patsy Palmer.
(Psssst ... the goods Bianca got from her mate to sell for fifty quid? They're stolen.)
Patrick's Only As Old as The Woman He Feels.
Patrick isn't feeling his age. He tries to put a curtain up.He falls. What else can I say, except now we learn that Anthony Trueman is a doctor in Scotland. Only last spring, Patrick was visiting him in Cambodia.
Les Miserables (Tamwar and Lauren)
Let's get this straight: Tamwar is no Jean Valjean and Lauren simply isn't Fantine. They're two lazy, self-pitying, entitled, miserable, idle assholes with no direction in life. Tamwar has no respect for his father, who has to push, cajole and connive him into putting one foot in front of the other one each day.
Just what does Tamwar want to do? He's cleverly avoided being ranted at by Masood by shouldering Syed's blame for ruining the family finances. He wasn't keen on running the restaurant, and when he didn't get into Oxford, he shelved university. He's shelving it now, the excuse being the cost. That's bullshit. Tamwar just can't be arsed. He wants to lie around the Masood household, making Masood feel guilty and sniping with Ajay.
Masood should just kick his arse out. Seriously.
As for Lauren, she is simply the most unlikeable character on the show, bar Kat, at the moment. The house is a tip, and neither Cora the Bora nor skanky Lauren cares. There's alcohol on tap, so she doesn't give a damn.
Besides this, there's the usual shitty performance rendered by Jacqueline-Worst-Actress-Ever-Jossa.
Actually, here's the actress Jossa wishes she were but isn't - so she can only ape her style - Academy Award nominee Jennifer Lawrence:-
And here's who she really is ... remember this stunning performance ... not?
Baby Love.
Abi and Jay. Abi goes from trying to do her homework to thinking about how she'd like to lose her virginity to Jay on the basis of him cleaning the dishes. All thoughts of uni have flown from her mind, just hearing Jay talk about them having their own place. Oh, and Jay's skint, so that won't be anytime soon. And just as Libby Fox intellectually outgrew Darren Miller who stayed on the Square to sell cars, do you seriously think a woman with an advanced professional degree would spend the rest of her life with a functionally illiterate garage mechanic? Apart from being good with his hands, she'd soon be off and bored.
But then, we all know Abi won't make it through her exams. This is a poor attempt to recreate Sonia and Jamie; but Jamie died and Sonia had ambition and (for awhile) common sense, both of which Abi lacks. Another one who phones in her performances.
And nice to know that Yummy Mummy Tanya isn't answering phonecalls even from her children. Selfish cow.
East Is East and West Is West ... Masood Meets Carol.
Here's a song for the love affair that isn't - or it shouldn't be, and I'll tell you why ...
Masood is being nice, and Carol is being lonely (and, being Carol, horny). Masood is a practicing Muslim. Carol is a practicing heathen - a woman who's had four children by four different men and when one comes along who strikes her fancy, no matter his age, she'll bed him and think about the repercussions later. In Masood's culture, a woman like Carol would be deemed a whore. An untouchable.
For all the Luddites outcrying, read what I said for comprehension: he'd have more chances of having a relationship with the stunning but bland Ayesha than he would Carol. Or Denise, for that matter. Or anyone but Dot, and she would be proscribed because of her blatant Christianity.
It seems to me, more and more, now that all the established couples on the show have been blown to smithereens, that Lorraine Newman is frantically gadding about, trying to re-create new couples, cobbled together with whoever is there. Fatboy goes with Poppy. Masood's a fifty-something, so we'll put him with Carol. Denise is just about the right age for Ian. Sharon's an attractive blonde former Mitchell, we'll make her the Branning Satellite of Lurve for Jack. Anyone who's left out is toast (i.e., Shirley).
Do you realise the only married couple on the Square at the moment are Max and Kirsty?
The Muppet.
Remind you of anyone?
What was the purpose of that scene tonight? I know the curtain-hanging scene at the beginning of the episode was a lead-in to Patrick's mini-storyline that's about to unfold, but both this one and the R and R wedding venue fiasco only served to show that David Witts doesn't have to take his shirt off to be shown as a sex symbol. Can't see the attraction, myself; nor can I see TPTB's incessant need to tart Sharon up as a cross between Miss Piggy and a washed-out country western singer.
The sooner she's away from the Branning Big-Haired Influence, the better.
Dire episode. Simply dire.
It's a shame EastEnders can't do a time-lapse, the way tonight's episode dragged on and on and on and on and on ... It was a filler episode, the likes of which only the incompetent HollyOaks reject Perrie Balthazar can write, complete with Sharon doing the ubiquitous Miss Piggy impersonation opposite Toad Jnr, minus the talent of Kermit the Frog.
Simply put, what the hell is happening to EastEnders? Something is wrong when I can count on my right hand characters in whom I have some sort of interest and concern and still have fingers left over.
Tonight was just bits and bobs of spare parts cobbled together to create what Lorraine Newman is a warm, fuzzy sense of community. It doesn't. It just emphasises what characters are waffling about aimlessly in ever-decreasing circles in vignettes which have no relation to any other sort of storyline ... wait ... storylines?
Aye, there's the rub ... there are no storylines, just a window to watching people go about their daily, mundane and ordinary lives, with a lot of chav expostulating.
In other words, watching fucking paint dry.
A Word to the Wise Is Sufficient ... Wait - This is Bianca.
Here's some timeworn advice for Liam ... and Tamwar ... and Lauren ... and silly-ass Abi.
Of course this is the opening salvo for the Comic Relief BBC Paedophile-Hiding Tory Mouthpiece Organisation's comment on gangs and gang culture - except that their gang depiction will be more West Side Story and less Afro-Caribbean and Asian youth-oriented.
Could this be Comic Relief's gangabanga ... more ballet than brickbats? I think so ... Maybe Liam could take dancing lessons in those elusive trainers we keep hearing about from Ben?
Liam bunks off school. Bianca and Carol bunked off school. So did Ricky. So did Kat. And Shirley.
Winners, everyone. As Shirley so blithely pointed out, every kid does it. I daresay that would be Bianca's attitude as well, and the only thing putting a rocket up her arse about Liam's truancy is the fact that she could go back to jail, thus paying the price for Liam's actions. In fact, her head's been so far up her mangy arse, getting the stall up and running, drinking all day and most of the night with Kat, baiting Roxy and thinking she's so fucking high and mighty.
Bianca is an abysmal mother. She may love her children, but love is not enough. She does absolutely nothing to curb their bad behaviour. The heavy work is left to Carol. In fact, without a Carol, a Pat or even a Ricky. Bianca decompensates. Mentally and emotionally, she's a child, herself, and a tedious one - unable to curb her anger and violent outbursts.
It's-A-Shame-About-Ray crops up, just dropping a new pair of football boots for Morgan Le Fatter, in which to waddle up the pitch. Parenting by presents is Ray's method, and so arrogant is he in his confidence that he readily volunteers to talk to Liam "man-to-man", which is a specious euphemism for offering fatherly advice.
Liam is right. Ray isn't his father, and a "man-to-man" chat about truancy over scrambled eggs when the kid is already late for school is more than a bit incongruous - especially Ray's snide and subtle dig at Ricky's absence by remarking that if Liam were his kid, he wouldn't be bunking off school, implying Ray's hand would be raised to ensure he was attending.
This is basically Liam's problem, and Carol alluded to it in an effort to enforce Bianca's entitlement and victim status by referencing her "rubbish" boyfriends. Ricky wasn't a rubbish dad. In fact, he was deprived of the knowledge that he had a daughter until she was six years old. He took on all of Bianca's brood, and it was Bianca, egged on by Carol - that's the same Carol who told Bianca that her marriage-ending affair with Dan Sullivan was a "youthful indiscretion." Well, for all of you who are too young or too thick to remember how seriously Carol took that youthful indiscretion, feast your eyes on Carol's and Bianca's little talk they had, after the shit hit the fan. Oh, and Bianca, even then, was playing the eternal victim, although Patsy Palmer wasn't phoning in her lines:-
And whoopidooo ... look who was writing for the Brannings even then! A bit more watchable than the tripe we have now, n'est-ce pas? And maybe La Balthazar should have asked
Dog's bollocks!
Bianca slept with Ricky and dumped Liam on him for two years whilst she left to find herself and found Nathan Dean soon enough to palm Tiffany off as his child.
Liam was rude to Bianca at the end, but that's the price you pay for raising your kids with a rude, mouthy, entitled and dishonest dimwit chav as a mother. Liam sees what a loser his mother is, and maybe she even equates him with his father, so Liam is a self-fulfilling prophecy for her. As I said, Bianca and her brood are the Billy Mitchells to the three families with whom she has ties - the godalmighty Brannings, the Beales and the Butchers.
Cart Liam and ugly Tiffany off to Ricky, hand Morgan Le Fatter back to Ray, who'll buy presents for him to keep him happy whilst Ray makes love with himself in the mirror and let Twitney get married. Then send Bianca back to jail. Don't let her pass GO and don't let her STEAL £200 quid.
Oh, and the idea of Shirley now popping up at opportune times to hand over timeworn placebos covering as advice to women who are well on their way to the altar of Shirleydom (in other words, slags and slappers) is laughable. First she's the Ghost of Christmas Past come to advise Kat how to "fight" for Alfie on Christmas Eve, and now she's the Good Witch of the East, complete with collagen filler smoothing out her face and the bags under her eyes with Bianca, in McKlunkeys. Bianca even does her signature crying scene.
Give me a break, and get rid of cash cow Patsy Palmer.
(Psssst ... the goods Bianca got from her mate to sell for fifty quid? They're stolen.)
Patrick's Only As Old as The Woman He Feels.
Patrick isn't feeling his age. He tries to put a curtain up.He falls. What else can I say, except now we learn that Anthony Trueman is a doctor in Scotland. Only last spring, Patrick was visiting him in Cambodia.
Les Miserables (Tamwar and Lauren)
Let's get this straight: Tamwar is no Jean Valjean and Lauren simply isn't Fantine. They're two lazy, self-pitying, entitled, miserable, idle assholes with no direction in life. Tamwar has no respect for his father, who has to push, cajole and connive him into putting one foot in front of the other one each day.
Just what does Tamwar want to do? He's cleverly avoided being ranted at by Masood by shouldering Syed's blame for ruining the family finances. He wasn't keen on running the restaurant, and when he didn't get into Oxford, he shelved university. He's shelving it now, the excuse being the cost. That's bullshit. Tamwar just can't be arsed. He wants to lie around the Masood household, making Masood feel guilty and sniping with Ajay.
Masood should just kick his arse out. Seriously.
As for Lauren, she is simply the most unlikeable character on the show, bar Kat, at the moment. The house is a tip, and neither Cora the Bora nor skanky Lauren cares. There's alcohol on tap, so she doesn't give a damn.
Besides this, there's the usual shitty performance rendered by Jacqueline-Worst-Actress-Ever-Jossa.
Actually, here's the actress Jossa wishes she were but isn't - so she can only ape her style - Academy Award nominee Jennifer Lawrence:-
And here's who she really is ... remember this stunning performance ... not?
Baby Love.
Abi and Jay. Abi goes from trying to do her homework to thinking about how she'd like to lose her virginity to Jay on the basis of him cleaning the dishes. All thoughts of uni have flown from her mind, just hearing Jay talk about them having their own place. Oh, and Jay's skint, so that won't be anytime soon. And just as Libby Fox intellectually outgrew Darren Miller who stayed on the Square to sell cars, do you seriously think a woman with an advanced professional degree would spend the rest of her life with a functionally illiterate garage mechanic? Apart from being good with his hands, she'd soon be off and bored.
But then, we all know Abi won't make it through her exams. This is a poor attempt to recreate Sonia and Jamie; but Jamie died and Sonia had ambition and (for awhile) common sense, both of which Abi lacks. Another one who phones in her performances.
And nice to know that Yummy Mummy Tanya isn't answering phonecalls even from her children. Selfish cow.
East Is East and West Is West ... Masood Meets Carol.
Here's a song for the love affair that isn't - or it shouldn't be, and I'll tell you why ...
Masood is being nice, and Carol is being lonely (and, being Carol, horny). Masood is a practicing Muslim. Carol is a practicing heathen - a woman who's had four children by four different men and when one comes along who strikes her fancy, no matter his age, she'll bed him and think about the repercussions later. In Masood's culture, a woman like Carol would be deemed a whore. An untouchable.
For all the Luddites outcrying, read what I said for comprehension: he'd have more chances of having a relationship with the stunning but bland Ayesha than he would Carol. Or Denise, for that matter. Or anyone but Dot, and she would be proscribed because of her blatant Christianity.
It seems to me, more and more, now that all the established couples on the show have been blown to smithereens, that Lorraine Newman is frantically gadding about, trying to re-create new couples, cobbled together with whoever is there. Fatboy goes with Poppy. Masood's a fifty-something, so we'll put him with Carol. Denise is just about the right age for Ian. Sharon's an attractive blonde former Mitchell, we'll make her the Branning Satellite of Lurve for Jack. Anyone who's left out is toast (i.e., Shirley).
Do you realise the only married couple on the Square at the moment are Max and Kirsty?
The Muppet.
Remind you of anyone?
What was the purpose of that scene tonight? I know the curtain-hanging scene at the beginning of the episode was a lead-in to Patrick's mini-storyline that's about to unfold, but both this one and the R and R wedding venue fiasco only served to show that David Witts doesn't have to take his shirt off to be shown as a sex symbol. Can't see the attraction, myself; nor can I see TPTB's incessant need to tart Sharon up as a cross between Miss Piggy and a washed-out country western singer.
The sooner she's away from the Branning Big-Haired Influence, the better.
Dire episode. Simply dire.
Forgive my departure from EastEnders commentary here, but since I saw your Swinging On A Star reference, I haven't been able to get the theme tune for an ancient sitcom, which I used to watch when I moved to the States as a kid, out of my head. A daft show starring a teenage alien called Evie.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you remember the show, but the theme tune was based on that song... and your post has instantly taken me back approximately 24 years! I've remembered all the theme tune lyrics since and they've been going round my head for hours. I may have to remove my head now in order to get rid of the damn song.
Bad Emilia! ;) Great review though!
Apologies for the off topic trip down memory lane!