EastEnders: The Weaning Process - Review: 23.04.2013

When was the last time you watched an episode of EastEnders when the only Branning visible was Carol?

I'll bet you can't remember. A hattrick of watchable episodes, and this one the first without any visible major Branning.

Could this be the beginning of weaning the writing room and production team off the great tit that belongs to the Branning family?

Hope floats.

A Tale of Three Bitches, or Life's a Bitch and So Is ...

Janine.

Here's the lady's song:-

Really, Janine could have written this song about herself, referring to Michael or any man, when you examine the lyrics.

Yesterday I cried
Must have been to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I’m a bitch I’m a lover
I’m a child I’m a mother
I’m a sinner I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell I’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean, you’ll have to be a stronger man
Jused to shooter, when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extreme’s
Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing

Simply put, Janine is one of the most nuanced, multi-faceted characters ever to descend upon Walford, and anyone who sees her simply as a bitch or "evil Janine" either hasn't watched her metamophosis from the beginning - that's 1989 - or if they have, they haven't been paying attention.

Janine's entire psychological being is tied up with her father issues, the feeling of being outside the family dynamic, the consistent and sudden abandonments by her father, the fact that her mother died when Janine was very young, and - chiefly - the fact that everyone she's ever trusted or was supposed to be able to trust has let her down in a major way. Just as important as Frank's shortcomings, was Janine's love-hate relationship with Pat. On the one hand, she felt Pat had displaced her one chance to be a part of the Butcher family, yet on the other hand, Pat always fought her corner - even though she knew Janine would throw that defence right back in her face - until almost the very end of Pat's tenure on the Square (the summer of 2011) when Bryan Kirkwood totally fucked up the Pat-Janine dynamic only to recapture it on Pat's deathbed.

Janine is now alone. Pat is dead, Diane is in France, Clare is in Australia and Ricky is exiled from Walford. Because of her hormonal, emotional, and fragile psychological state in the wake of Scarlett's birth and afterward, she was emotionally and psychologically abused and manipulated to such a degree she did what was totally unthinkable and abhorrent to her, something she hated Frank for doing all her life - she abandoned her child, after having her self-confidence and self-esteem drilled into the ground by her psychopathic husband.

To those people who scoff at Janine's PND, I say this: post-natal depression affects different women in different ways. To even suggest that Janine didn't have at least a smidgeon of this is totally ignorant and obtuse. I'd love to remind certain people that when Tanya attempted to murder Max by burying him alive, all the Tanya-shippers crawled out of the woodwork to point out how all of her behaviour in the wake of the Stax reveal was down to post-partum hormones, as she'd only given birth to Oscar a few weeks before Christmas.

Ach, but with Janine, it's something different. It's just sheer bitchery, and Michael is the poor victim.

He's not.

Once again - and I can't say this enough - Michael is a psychopath. Psychopaths don't love. They're incapable of it. Yes, a lot of his issues mirror Janine's - daddy problems, loss of a mother at a young age, feeling of displacement and abandonment issues and lack of trust; but Michael's put all of these things to work pejoratively, and targeted vulnerable women, in particular, as a reaction to what he perceives as his mother's defection in death.

For everyone talking about how poor, pitiful Michael loves 'Scarlett and how he's bonded with her, that's a load of bollocks. How many remember the episode earlier in the autumn, when the baby was crying and he put her upstairs, closed the door and turned the volume on the television full blast? (Corrie later reprised this same scene with Kirsty near the end of her tenure).

Michael tried a nanny, then he used Whitney occasionally (although he disdained her because of her prostitute past). However, since prior to Christmas, most of Scarlett's hands-on care was effected by Roxy, whom he convinced to move in with him for that purpose, and after Christmas, by the insipid Alice, with occasional babysitting stints by creepy Jean. Michael had an easy life, in retrospect.

I see people on various fora giving Janine a hard time because she "accused" Michael of all sorts, including having an affair during her post-partum period; but this is the man who tried to run out on a sick baby, who confessed to Katshit Queen Bitch Slutter that he neither loved Janine nor the baby, and Katshit couldn't wait to accidentally on purpose reveal this confession to Janine when she was at her lowest. 

I certainly hope Janine remembers that moment.

Someone on Digital Spy ventured that Janine's remark about having flings with various men in her travels might just have been a front. In fact, the story about her European and Brazilian travels may also have been a big front. Truth is, she could have been at a health spa or on an organised psychological retreat someplace getting treatment. Her insecurities and PND have, by no means, been cured; but she's back for her daughter.

For anyone who can't see what Michael was doing to her and why, you've simply not been watching the same show. Like Archie Mitchell, Michael is a control freak - remember his shenanigans with Roxy, which she and everyone else seem to have forgotten conveniently? He wanted to convince Janine that she was so incapable that she could easily be diverted with expensive toys, whilst he ran rampant over her fortune. Until there was nothing left.

Michael is a man of straw. He's always been able to raise money, but by unorthodox and very illegal means. He is a con man, who is ruthless. With a rich and powerful wife whom he could chip away at her confidence until there was nothing left, even of erosion, would be the ultimate "fuck you" delivered to a mother whom he considered had abandoned him.

Janine is the one really strong woman resident in the Square. Notice how she never raises her voice nor loses her cool, and ultimately hands the ass in question back to the asshole making assumptions.

Take Fat Barbie for example. In case Sharon hasn't yet realised it, she is the minority shareholder at R and R. Janine is well within her rights to return, re-negotiate contracts with suppliers Sharon has discarded, changes the rules and regulations of the place and, literally, vote Sharon down. For all she's been doing things her way and been allowed to do so, Sharon hasn't really been up to scratch, has she?

She said she did the accounts at the end of each month, but Janine soon found that to be a lie, as here we are near the end of April, and March hasn't even been done. The fact that Sharon had to resort to having Jean help her is proof positive that Sharon's not all the management she's cracked up to be. And although Phil helped Sharon sufficiently tonight, he certainly did nothing to thwart Janine.

Slight niggle: TPTB, or those doing the writing, still haven't figured out that Sharon and Janine knew each other from Janine's childhood, when Sharon used to babysit. Sharon was also close to Janine's step-mother, Pat. Apart from all of that, the two women have an enormous amount of similarities in common - both are daughters of iconic Vic landlords, the little princesses to Alpha males; both have major daddy issues, and both have careers in the recreation industries. Both have an emotional attachment to the Vic, and both have, at one time, been part of the Mitchell family dynamic. It would be nice to see them forge an alliance and become friends. They'd be far more believeable as friends than Sharon and Tanya.

There was a foreshadowing of an association to come tonight, when Janine subtly whispered to Ian that she was all his Christmases come at once, followed by Ian being informed that someone had actually let the emporium's premises. It's not rocket science - Janine is financing Ian's business venture. Last night, she got Billy and Lola onside - and her friendship with Billy almost mirrors the skewed relationship she had with Pat. Tonight, she mended fences - which we'll find out shortly - with Ian. Building relationships.

One thing about the Billy-Janine dynamic. Yes, Billy is a loser; yes, the gripes Billy and Lola had with Janine were more about her leaving them financially in the lurch than her leaving Scarlett; and yes, Billy's regularly taken advantage of Janine's friendship. But one of the first things Janine did when she inherited her fortune, was provide Billy with work. I hope he repays her loyalty.

At least, the solicitor creepy Michael saw tonight was realistic, and I'm glad someone did their homework. It's clear Michael just wants to stick it to Janine, viciously, as a means of revenge and not out of any real love for his child. It's also clear that the solicitor knows that there is more to this than meets the eye. He knows women don't walk out on infants, and something must have provoked this. The fact that he's less than willing to go to mediation just reveals his arrogance and his own belief in his self-superiority and ability to con a judge. (Superiority is a prime trait of the psychopath - remember how Michael encouraged this belief in Janine when he was with her).

Janine is Scarlett's mother. Courts are extemely reluctant to take children from their mothers - pay heed, those who wrote the Lexi storyline. Courts are also aware that there are two sides to every story.

I hope Janine succeeds and triumphs. It's absolutely amazing that her re-appearance has done to this programme what Sharon's return was supposed to do and didn't. It's early days, but it's also clear that unlike the epic fails that  Kat, Bianca and Sharon proved to be.

Life's a Bitch and So Is ... Fat Barbie.

Oh, Sharon ... what have they done to you? Yes, I'm afraid Sharon's assessment of Phil's invitation was correct: Dot would be appalled that Sharon had dumped her precious Jack and then taken up with some "new bloke."

But Phil was also right - he wasn't the "new bloke;" Jack was.the "new bloke" and the one who came perilously close to ruining Sharon, so now the damage limitation needs to set in.

First of all, the Tanya bitchery is still there - the snide remark about Max and Kirsty deserving each other, when Sharon knows absolutely nothing about Kirsty, and precious little about Tanya - and even less about Jack the peg, who's crawled off to lick his wounded ego (or get someone female to do that for him). Then there was her attitude to Janine, which was as buffoonish as Michael's assumption that Tyler and insipid Alice were safe in "his" house - the R and R is not "Sharon's" club exclusively.

But at last we heard the magic words from Phil's mouth - he loves Sharon and theirs has always been more than a friendship. It's been a love affair that has been thwarted by various people on hand to throw a spanner in the work, combined with their own particular brand of cowardice - Grant, who subsequently ensured that Phil threw Sharon under the bus; Kathy, who aided and abetted him, only to find out in Paris that Phil still loved Sharon; Dennis, who got a mention by Phil and nary a shrug of the shoulder from Sharon, and Jack.

One niggle - Sharon mentioned Peggy as an obstacle, but please ... Sharon and Peggy resolved their differences in the wake of the discovery that Chrissie had murdered Den and framed Sam. Here's the evidence from Sharon's last days in Walford back in early 2006, before she took her "break":-

Does Peggy look like an obstacle here? Or someone who'd refuse to come to her great-granddaughter's christening because Sharon was there? The research isn't rocket science, it's knowing where to look in an archive of episodes at the writers' and researchers' disposal.

But in the end, this Sharon is true to Fat Barbie bimbo form. Left alone with her son in Jack's flat, what does she do? She runs to Phil, and the duff-duff is them going upstairs hand and hand for a slap and a tickle, a kiss and a cuddle, tiffin what Abi would call "making lurve."

(Someplace in Northern Ireland, a braincell is exploding.)

Interesting observation: The Branning satellite that is the Little Cock, remarked - when Michael was trying to sell Phil his share of the boxing club, an enterprise which would see Phil Mitchell in partnership with Jack Branning, Little Cock piped up and remarked that that place wasn't worth anything and produced nothing. If that's the truth, then why does Jack bother?

Life's a Bitch and So Is Katshit Slutter.

Apart from the putrid old hag hanging out in the launderette, Kat was the worst of the worst tonight. She stank, and her attitude and hatred is just rank hypocrisy.

How quickly she forgets that Michael scammed her beloved Jean (who's now a Judas as far as she's concerned, as she's called her that to her face) out of Jean's money, but also out of the Vic's earnings as well. Now Michael's a "friend," but her friendship now devolves on how she can once again deprive Janine of someone who is hers by right. First, it was Ryan, Janine's husband; now it's her child.

What a rank bitch. Another thing she shouldn't forget, and Janine reminded her of it so civilly, is that another woman wantonly tried to deprive Kat of her child. That ended in Kat forgiving her. What fucking right did she have to approach Janine in the Vic and demand that she let Michael have Scarlett, that Janine do what was "right." What's right is that Janine be reunited with her baby, and Janine knew what she was talking about when she said she didn't want Scarlett anyplace near Michael. She'd grow up as warped as he. As for Kat determining what's right, scores of viewers are still waiting for her to acknowledge the very big part she played in breaking up her own marriage, in lying to her husband and repeatedly cheating on him, expecting him to take her back every time she cried "I'm a dirty girl."

And she's suddenly a legal expert in saying that there isn't a court in the land that would give her Scarlett. Michael has a son he never sees, doesn't acknowledge and doesn't support. I find it difficult how so many people - Alfie, Tyler and Jean - can so willingly forgive him after he fucked them about so seriously in the past. Shit, he planned for Tyler to die, just to get back at Eddie. Eddie left him for good, but Tyler crawled back like a sick puppy.

I wonder if Lorraine Newman now realises how hateful and hated Kat is. That was totally out of order what she did tonight. More than ever, I want Janine to bitchslap that man-in-drag all the way around the Square, and rub her face in dirt, especially knowing that Katshit and insipid Alice are going to conspire with Michael to try to dupe Janine.

You can't kid a kidder, and you can't outbitch a bitch. And anyone hoping Michael gets custody of Scarlett, get over yourselves.

Believe me, Katshit has none of the charm and all the stink of a barnyard. Axe, please.

The Old Drunken Putrid Hag.

For the last time, Cora the Bora is not the Magic Negro's mother. She is the woman who gave birth to her, and why Little Cock is so fascinated is beyond me. I mean, he has white grandparents, who loved and raised his mother and helped in his upbringing. 

But I suppose it's cool to have an ASBO granny, who'll undermine your mother's wishes and seek to influence you pejoratively. I hate them both together, and Cora and Cock should understand what Ava means by wanting space between her and Cora. Hell, if she wanted space, why the heck did she move to Walford?

Two pointless characters and ... Yet. Another. Stereotypical. Token. Black. Character.

The Village idiot, The Gangabanga, The Unorthodox Romance and The Awful Child.

I love the way Bianca has just wiped Ricky from the equation. Liam knows that his West Side Story friends ...

- yes, the Kane gang -  return, there's going to be trouble. They're still after him, and now they're after the truly awful Tiffany. The worst soap nightmare is for Tiffany to grow up and marry Simon Barlow. Tiffany is growing up, and her acting is even worse than before. She's no longer the cute little six year-old, despite the red braids. In fact, she's no longer cute full stop.

Liam offers a sensible solution to the family's dilemma - he'll go stay with his dad, but Bianca will have none of that. It's as if she wants to deny her children access to Ricky, when Ricky specifically said, upon his brief return last June, that he was getting along better with Bianca. He even had Tiffany until the autumn school term ended, and now it's out of the question that her son want to stay with his dad?

I still don't like the Butcher kids or Bianca and her obvious ignorance - the way she treats her stall, bought and paid for by Alfie Moon, like a hobby, and encourages her kids, including her fat youngest child, to scoff crisps. Total chav. Total loser. She is the Village Idiot, moreso than Billy Mitchell. He's the Mitchells' loser. Bianca is the loser who belongs to the Brannings, the Beales and the Butchers.

Go away.

As for Carol and Masood, it's true what someone said today on another forum - yet another example of Newman throwing together two random people and forming a couple who would never work in any other place or time. Masood is still a man of faith and a practicing Muslim, although that will now be retconned to say that Zainab forced him to go to mosque weekly. This is the same man, remember, who stepped over a bleeding and injured man in the street, because he was his son's gay boyfriend. Carol, on the other hand, is the worst kind of infidel - the feckless mother of four children by four different men.

Maybe they should have this theme song ...

They really are the odd couple. That promised drink will see Masood sipping orange juice, while Carol guzzles wine; and don't think Carol will want to see some bedroom action sooner, rather than later - considering the alacrity with which she jumped into bed with Lewis, Connor, Eddie Moon and - if you believe the retconning - creepy Steve ... but then, let's retcon Masood, shall we?

Final Observation: I want to see the look on creepy Jean's face when she finds out Janine is Ian's business partner.

Watchable episode.

Final Final Observation: It pains me to say this but I give credit where credit is due. EastEnders can still engage in subtlety. Witness Cora the Bora's face, after Janine's contretemps with Katshit in the pub tonight, when Janine parted declaring she wanted her baby back and no one was going to keep her child from her. A deep, but flickering soupcon of sympathy crossed Cora the Bora's wrinkled, old alcoholic face. Like Shirley's non-condemnation welcome to Janine, I suppose Cora knows what it's like to be judged about "abandoning" a child.