Friday, July 5, 2013

Bullies, Retards, Pieces of Shit and Mutton Dressed as Lamb - Review: 05.07.2013

So EastEnders was late tonight. Very late, thanks to that English-hating miserably ugly piece of rude flesh called Andy Murray and his putrid mother. For two pathetic weeks of the year, the English go tennis-crazy and forget that Murray the Mouth and his pushy, stringy-breasted mother from hell are Scots' Nationalists who hate the Sassenachs. The English bimbo is just arm candy, and if Mouth Murray lost his talent and fortune tomorrow, she'd step on him with her stilettos and spit in Ma Murray's eye.

Deeply unpleasant people, just like the ones we saw tonight on EastEnders, because make no mistake, this week's offerings have been as bad as last week's were good.

The verdict has almost been unanimous, except for Digital Spy's resident village idiot. 

Guess who? I'll give you a clue.

Tonight's show was good. LOL

Shirley and Bianca were great, LOL. It was funny how they were talking to Jean. LOL.

I'm a girl and I think Lucy is hot. LOL Where's Jac Jossa? I want her in my bed. LOL.

If you don't like the show, turn it off. LOL. It's not real. LOL.

What does klepto- thingy mean? LOL.

I am way past 12 years old, even though I act like a 12 year-old and spell like a 6 year-old. Who am I? LOL. Brain cell? Do brains have cells? LOL.

Sadly, the Digital Spy Village Idiot is the target audience of Lorraine Newman and tonight's pisspoor writer, Fiona Peek, a Yorkshire lass with a Cambridge degree, who invested and injected as much disdain for this programme in tonight's storyline as you would expect an Oxbridge-educated Northerner to have done.

LOL ... Not.

The Bullies.

Two dominant, one recessive tonight.

Isn't it strange how Jean, who not only suffers from a medical condition (bi-polar syndrome), but who is also thick as pig shit and vulnerable in her abject simplicity - meaning, she's not very bright - is constantly being bullied by people who are either her family or who purport to be her friends.

First of all, in the cold, light of day, Shirley and Bianca know exactly what they've done, especially Bianca, the putridly vile Retard of Albert Square. She's already out on licence, for the second time. If it's discovered that she illegally entered Ian Beale's restaurant, stole wine, and was party to setting the place on fire before leaving the sprinkling system to flood the place (laughing all the while), she would be back inside so quickly, her feet wouldn't touch the ground.

She knows this, and she's scared, shitless. Shirley knows, too, that she could be arrested for much the same, which is why they're desperate to find Jean, who's gone off radar.

Bianca and Shirley, at the moment, are despicable. Bianca is terminally skint. Boo-hoo. Cry me a fucking river that every spare wad of money she gets, she has to buy "stocking presents" for her urchins. (Cue sad music):-


And Shirley is still mourning fat Heather, the friend whose memory she betrayed by protecting the man who protected the kid who killed Heather for several months. I'm talking about Phil, not Ian.

Both these women are in their thirties and fifties. One is a grandmother. Boo-hoo again, the father of poor Bianca's children is (in her words) "a million miles away" - ne'mind, she kicked  him out, herself, and made her bed hard. Instead of staying at home with her children, instead of visiting her daughter and grandchild, both these two asshats prop the bar up in the Vic, nightly.

Somehow, between them, they're trying to prevent Jean, who genuinely has a conscience and is ashamed of what she's done, from confessing to the crime and ensuring their skanky arses are fried. In their mindset, as Bianca remarked, Ian Beale deserved this.

Hang on ... deserved to have his business vandalised, robbed and destroyed? This is his livelihood. This is something he strove to put together. The gist of all this is pure jealousy. Ian actually grafted to get this up and running. Forget finding Derek's/Carl's money. (And make no mistake, had he given that box, intact, to Carol, neither Joey nor Alice would have seen one red copper penny of that. Carol and Bianca would have kept and spent the lot).

This is jealousy that Ian, who lost virtually everything, including his sanity and self-respect last year, has clawed his way back, when both Shirley and Bianca live on their faux moral entitlements, thinking the world owes them sympathy and a living. Bianca is poor, and everyone is mean to her - ne'mind she's blatantly rude to all and sundry, ne'mind that she's wantonly bullied Tamwar and bullied and blackmailed Mr Lister. Ne'mind she lied to the police about Liam's involvement in mugging Tamwar. In fact, Liam's truancy was more about Bianca's fear of going to jail than about concern for her son.

Shirley, the woman who forced her so-called best friend - the one she'd drop at a moment's notice if she fancied a man, instead - to choose between their friendship and Heather's fiance; the woman who lied to the police about Phil Mitchell's involvement in covering up the fact that Ben killed Heather. Now she's angry and bitter towards Phil. And now she's blaming Ian for Heather's death, because Ben confessed to him, months after he'd killed Heather, tipping Ian's already fragile mind over the edge.

Their treatment of Jean tonight was reminiscent of another time when Jean was bullied and coerced by the people closest to her - when Jean was caught for housing benefit fraud, when it was really Big Mo who was collecting benefits in her name. Between the three, Big Mo, Alfie and Kat coerced her into taking the rap for something she didn't do, with Alfie playing good cop and feigning a text message from Saint Slater, just because all three of the others had criminal records.

Tonight, the two dumbasses tried everything - even patronising Jean by telling her she was hungover, that the whole ordeal consisted only of a wet floor and a couple of broken glasses, and Alfie would make it all better with a couple of paracetamols, until eventually, they got ugly, very ugly in the pub, making it abundantly clear that Jean's conscience should be directed only in the purpose of preventing Bianca from going back to jail and Shirley from getting arrested.

Bullshit. If Bianca doesn't want to go to jail, she should learn to act responsibly and to act her age and not her fucking shoe size. She deserves to have her kids taken into care. And Shirley deserves to die in the gutter, the abysmal way both women are written.

Shirley originally was a strong woman, with a hint of promise of turning into this generation's version of Pat. Since being paired with Phil Mitchell and since being dumped by him, she's turned into the epithet she flings so freely at others - a doormat. She only exists now to whinge and make acerbic one-liners, for no reason, at an uncaring Phil Mitchell.

Bianca was a successful and ambitious young businesswoman at one time, and a responsible mother. Since her return in 2008, she's shown poor judgement as far as allowing a paedophile into her home, trying to pimp her fifteen year-old stepdaughter out to a twenty-one year-old lad, and she's bought luxury goods on the never-never and let her kids starve.

These mis-characterisations have all occurred since 2010, the magic year of Kirkwood's tenure. And they're continuing. The most common adjective used to describe Bianca is "vile." Both women are extremely unlikeable and show no signs of character progression.

Tonight, they were worse than despicable. I'm actually not surprised by either. Jean, for Shirley, has become Skinny Heather, and this is the way Shirley would often bully and belittle Heather into line. Bianca is just stupid and unlikeable.

If the writers want to salvage these women, they need to do something fast. For example, we've never actually seen Shirley as a mother, never delved in depth into the reasons why she abandoned her children. Casting Kellie Shirley and Matt di Angelo again would add two more characters to a particular age demographic that's sadly lacking in numbers, and di Angelo's Dean could just about tip the character scales for hard young lad with a vulnerable centre, having spent time in prison.

As for Bianca, Patsly Palmer has openly stated she wants Sid Owen to return as Ricky Butcher. TPTB reckon Ricky never worked without Bianca, and Bianca certainly doesn't work without Ricky.

The recessive bully on show tonight was Kat, strutting about, offering unsolicited advice whilst her fat wobbly tits dominate the screen, like great shanks of white lard.

The one difference between dippy Jean and Heather is that Heather, on occasion, would stand up to and defy Shirley's bullying.

One thing they don't bank on or realise is Janine's involvement in the restaurant. Once again, I'm disappointed that Denise misinterpreted Ian's concern for Jean when she showed up at the wrong moment and burst into tears, when he was sharp with her. Of course, he'd be sharp with her. He had just discovered his business in tatters, and she was near collapse as well. Apoligise to Jean, yes, as per Denise's advice; but her other advice was wonky - call Whitney back.

Why, exactly? Whitney was totally out of order with Ian. She called him a "perv" and implied he'd been sexually improper with Jean. If Jean had taken her grievance to the police, Whitney's "evidence" could have seen Ian imprisoned. Denise's judgement and particularly her confidence in and judgement of Ian is appalling. Does she think that, because she slept with him last night, she'll be able to control a man whom she sees as socially gauche to the point of being almost embarrassing as a partner?

If that's true, then Ian certainly deserves better.

And, yes, Bianca, Ian might not want to call the police, because he's firmly convinced that Carl White did this, but Janine isn't too fine to report this.

The Retard Parade.

Yes, folks, they were all out in force tonight, the Parade of the Village Idiots.



Billy Mitchell

Village Idiot Association: Mitchell Village Idiot.

Has had two wives who were certifiably Village Idiots in and of themselves. Has a granddaughter, who's in line to achieve the same accolade. His saving grace has been his friendship with Janine, even though he's tried this friendship by committing credit card fraud behind her back, and blatantly stealing from her. One of the high points of this week came when Billy planted a heartfelt, affectionate and fraternal kiss on Janine's cheek, and she was touched by it.


Jean Slater

Village Idiot Association: Moon and Slater Families Village Idiot.

Jean is bi-polar, which doesn't mean she's stupid. Some of the most intelligent people in the world suffer from bi-polar disorder. But Jean is simple-minded and sees the wrong thing in black and white. Blindly impervious to any faults exhibited by her imperfect children and slavishly devoted to Alfie and Kat. In fact, there was a time Kat devoted more attention to Jean than to Tommy, especially at bathtime. I fear she's being singled out to be this generation's New Age Dot, with her dependence on kitsch horoscopes and women's mag pop psychology. Prone to screeching and flailing her arms about. Like Dot, another bad cartoon character.

Bianca Beale Jackson Butcher

Village Idiot Association: Village Idiot, collectively, of the Beale, Branning and Butcher families.

Niece of Ian and Max, daughter of Carol, wife of Ricky, granddaughter of Pete Beale and Pat Evans. Destroyed a business in whom the place of honour was met by a portrait of her grandfather on his market stall. She didn't even realise. Functional retard. Suffers from terminal headuparsitis complicated by a big mouth and an awful voice. No common sense. Emotionally and psychologically twelve years old. Always the victim. Thoroughly vile bully.

(Not Present but Accounted For ...)


Kim Fox

Village Idiot Association: Fox-Truman Village Idiot.

Functional alcoholic, lazy, conceited, suffers from terminal headuparsitis. Manhunter. Epic fail at comedy.


Ajay Ahmed

Village Idiot Association:- Masood Family Village Idiot.

Lazy, lying, dozy, with a headphone permanently attached to his left ear. Tactless, drunken, horny, good-for-nothing and charmless. Hasn't done a damned thing in the one year he's been in Walford.

Pieces of Shit and Mutton Dressed as Lamb.




I don't give a damn either, about Ava, Sam or Dex-TAAAAAA. More precisely, I don't give a rat's arse.

Look, let's stop this pretence right now that Ava is a teacher. Even the lame attempt at around noon of carrying a laptop case around the Square doesn't wash it. She was supposed to be getting ready for work after crawling home from a night of fucking Sam at two in the morning, and she was having a cozy cup of tea with Cora the Bora instead.

I also hate this sudden motherhood that Cora the Bora's foisted upon the character.

What is it about a psychological need daughters have to lie to their mothers?

Shut the fuck up, you drunken old trout, you are not her mother. You shat her out, that's all - because that's what the character of Ava and Sam the Sham and Cock amount to - three turds. Pieces of shit.

Not only that but Clare Perkins is ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. IN. EASTENDERS.

First of all, the fact that this character is even a teacher is a joke. She's not even the Magic Negro anymore. She's just some weak, lying piece of shit, who's raised a co-dependent rude, entitled little shit of a son, who can't even talk properly. She's afraid to tell SonnyBoy, that she's fucking around with his father, with whom they shared a squat twenty years ago when both were well-paid professionals, because of Dex-TAAAAA's so-called anger issues, which probably are as frightening as the fabled anger issues of Tyler Moon (yawn).

This is a teacher with no common sense - well, who would live on a sink estate when you make upwards of 60 grand a year? - and a terrible parent who tells barefaced lies to her son. When her putrid, drunken birth mother demands she "give Sam up, " we get a pathetic whiiiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeee like this ...

Ah cahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn't.

What a load of ... well, a load of steaming shit. And all this darting and dashing about for a quick  fuck is the staple of their relationship.

As for Sam the Sham ... can we stop with the stereotypical Negro talk, please? This is not Gone with the Wind and I know no Afro-Caribbean person, apart from retards like Dex-TAAAAAA, who say "dis" and "dat." Funny, but for the first few weeks, Sam was a reasonably well-spoken character, hammed out by Cornell S John who seems to be intent on reminding us that he's striving to be an English James Earl Jones (and failing by over-acting). Now, all of a sudden, he's sounding like Big Sam, the foreman from Gone with the Wind.

Now if he starts referring to Ian and Janine as "Mist'Ian" and "Miss Janine," I'll know something's rotten.

And Dexter ... it seems to me Dexter is hankering after a white family. Doesn't he already have middle-class white grandparents? But then, I guess Cora the Bora is just too cool for school and compliments his bling. And where did all this "Au'ghie Tanya" come from? Tanya never gave him the time of day, and after the novelty of having a black sister wore off, Tanya never went out of her way with The Magic Negro the Piece of Shit either.

Oh, please ... get rid of these dire, shallow, uninteresting and poorly portrayed characters in whom no one is invested. Dex-TAAAAA's "anger issues" will only mean his awful voice will go one octave higher and he'll sound even more like he's on helium. Khali Best is 26 in real life - have his balls dropped yet? Because it doesn't sound like it.

And Ava's confession of a relationship with Sam, emphasized by Sam's extended hand was simply butt-clinchingly awful and embarrassing.

Intertwined in all of this, is the hoary old drunken trout, who's trying to replace her drunken weak-willed daughter with her lazy, dumbassed retconned daughter and grandson. And when Cock prefers to have lunch with the Piece of Shit, Cora the Bora does what she does best, uncork the wine mid-day.

She's just an old lag drunk, and one who can't get through a day without a drink. Why Patrick, a real gentleman, would want to waste his time with a common piece of trash like that is anyone's guess - but I know that when she decided, at Abi's prompting, to accompany Patrick to the ballroom dancing class, she looked like a man-in-drag dressed up for Hallowe'en.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEk!

Wait ... it gets worse. Here's the REAL thing:-



Run, Patrick, run!

Betty Spragg looked nicer.

Godalmighty, can't these AWFUL people leave Walford. Unlikeable, uninteresting and overblown.

The Prince of Darkness and The Queen of the Night Play Mind Games.



Michael thinks he's snookered Janine into returning to Walford. Janine knows Michael wanted her to return and knew he was watching for her the night she did come back.

Billy - Billy - actually tricked Michael into admitting that he wanted Janine back because she was the mother of his child. Janine's back, but Scarlett's with the nanny.

Now, here's something funny: Billy, relegated to his office in the broom closet, tells Michael that Janine is actually quite a compassionate character and really wants to be loved. Whether or not that's a planned scheme on Janine's part is anyone's guess, but I'd say she wants him to think she's vulnerable again, which I think he does, before she - quite rightly - pulls the carpet from under his feet.

Janine and Michael, together, generate a lot of sexual chemistry, but this game of one upmanship over child custody is beginning to be boring. It's turning into EastEnders' specialty piece of writing the same scene differently for each episode. And it's a long time until Christmas.

Insert into this Mother Superiour Saint Kat of the Wobbly Titties doing her social worker bit ...

You gorra come togevah for the kid ...

who refers to Janine as "that thing."

I take exception to this,and I'm waiting for Janine to nut Kat before Janine then has to go and wash the tango off her own forehead. Whatever Janine's done in her life is never as bad as what Kat's done - and at least Janine is a bitch and owns responsibility for everything she does. Unlike Kat, another bully and victim.

Writers might go scurrying for a Thesaurus every time they write for Michael, but one needs to remember that Michael, the psychopath, also has a university degree and a highly elevated and narcissistic opinion of himself. He'd tend to use a higher grade vocabulary as a means of intimidation and making other people feel inadequate. I'm guessing the lowest common denominator of brain dead tweenie keeps a dictionary by his/her side as he watches Michael, whilst creaming his/her knickers. Can't find the words, diddums? How about learning to spell then?

I never found Michael appealing. I find him less so, with his facial twitches and cadaverous smile. Here's hoping, however, all the silly fangirls longing for a relationship with a psychopath like Michael find the psycho of their dreams and live to tell the tale.

Awful episode.

2 comments:

  1. Based on the 1st couple of lines of your review I had to write this.

    Thank God for Sky+. I never watch anything live & so until it came on I just watched something else on my planner.

    I knew it had to be about Murray but haven't seen any of Wimbledon so far & I couldn't care less about AM. Why ? because I have a good memory & I'm a proud Englishman.

    I hate Murray he is on record (@ least twice) as stating that he HATES the English & when asked about playing at Wimbledon he says it means nothing to him & prefers NY.

    Sadly in the quest & desperation to have a 'home grown' player win Wimbledon the majority of the public seem to have forgotten this fact.

    Not that I have a problem with Murray hating the English, I feel exactly the same about the Scottish. Having Brenn brought up in a very football mad home I also remember all those World Cup & European games where the Scottish landlords & bar owners have away free beer for every goal scored against England.

    I can't stand Murray & hope to God he loses in the final because we'd never here the last of it from the gullible English folk hailing a proud 'British hero'.

    Please NOOOOOOO.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It would be poetic justice if, after the fire and water devastation, the only fingerprints that the police find are Shirley's, on the neck of the broken brandy bottle.

    Sending her to jail would be a good way to write her out, hopefully for good.

    ReplyDelete