I've just finished watching Philippa Gregory's documentary on the women who shaped and influenced the 15th Century Wars of the Roses. (Luddites of Digital Spy, go Google this historical period; it's primary participants gave you the freeloaders and spongers whose brat you'll be paying for in perpetuity). Except they weren't freeloaders and spongers. They actually governed, for better or worse - usually worse.
The women of that period referred to The Wars of the Roses as "The Cousins' War," because it really was a great, big, humongous family feud, which boiled the future of England down to two horny blokes fighting over a blonde.
Not much has changed, then, especially if you imagine Max Branning as Henry Tudor (well, Henry was ginger, and eventually bald), Carl White as Richard III and Kirstie Branning as Elizabeth of York playing one off against the other.
'Ere, 'Enry, we're good togevvah. Yer go'gha save me from that Dick. I mean, 'e wants ter'ave me. 'Enry, yer know I need ya.
You can almost hear Shakespeare turning in his grave.
This is MAH manor, 'Enry Tudor!
The modern-day "manor" being Walford, you know.
I'm takin' meself off into exile. Ge'a grip, Liz. Bugger the lot o'ya. 'Ere, Squire Jack, look after the livery, will ya?
Plus ca change, plus ca reste la meme.
One thing that makes 21st Century Walford very similar indeed to 15th Century England is the fact that everyone in Walford is so closely related to one another, that kinship is almost certainly forgotten.
I mean, how many people call their great-uncle "Mr Beale?" Ian is Bianca's uncle. He's also Lexi's uncle, but we've seen no attempt on Ian's part to claim custody of Ben's child from her Mitchell minders. Janine Butcher is the stepsister of the returning David Wicks (Ian's brother), but she's also Phil Mitchell's stepsister as well.
Odds are that Roxy Mitchell is probably still Jean Slater's daughter-in-law. Roxy's daughter, Amy, was registered "Amy Slater," with Sean Slater on her birth certificate as her father, her legal father.
Denise Fox is David Wicks's cousin by marriage, and a step-cousin by marriage to Bianca. And if Lorraine Newman weren't so intent to re-unite Alfie and Kat, we'd see Alfie becoming the brother-in-law of the woman who tried to kidnap Tommy.
Oh, go figure. For a historical perspective ...
On a more serious note ...
Just imagine ... a mediaeval Max Branning
and Kirsty Branning ...
and Carl White ...
Innit?
Actually, the following is more in keeping with the Walford Cousins' War ...
As Christopher Reason always tries to do the best with the steaming heap handed him by the storyliners, I'd like to think he approached tonight's episode as a parody of a Shakespearean drama feast.
Ye Comic Interlude That Does Not Amuse.
If this were a mediaeval or Renaissance spectacle, there'd surely be what was referred to as a "comic interlude." As well, all courts had their jesters and fools. Whilst the jesters were almost always men, the fools could be women as well.
Tonight we have Jester One (Fatboy), Jester Two (Tamwar), Jester Three (Ajay), Fool One (Poppy) and (Fool Two) Kim.
All of whom are never funny and often quite pathetic.
I used to wonder how Fatboy, working minimum wage bar work, could afford a room in the B and B, and now I know. Based on Denise's calculations that Phil's five hundred quid would buy Shirley two months' worth of hospitality, either that means that Kim charges little over 8 quid a night or Denise is seriously stupid - in which case, she shouldn't be managing The Minute Mart, let alone helping run the B and B; because Kim would be seriously bankrupt.
However, we're asked to believe that the absolute only thing that would get Fatboy to move from the B and B - or that would entice Poppy to passive aggressively bully him into moving - would be Poppy's fear that Kim would seduce Fatboy.
Poopy-La-Dim is seriously stupid.
Tamwar is a character who used to be amusing. His dry wit and one-liners concerning his family's quirks were hilarious and his Rude Masood website, where he did amazingly accurate impersonations of Dot, Patrick. Peggy and Zainab. His friendship with Darren was poignant and funny.
Now he's degenerated into a monotoned, monosyllabic loser who trawls the market daily as Assistant inspector taking all manner of bullying and abuse. Tonight, Poopy-La-Dim just happens to mention she's looking for accommodation for Fatboy just at the precise same time Tamwar is moaning about Ajay having taken fifty quid from something Tamwar called "the Rent Jar."
Okay, I thought the Masoods owned the house where they lived. In fact, they re-mortgaged when Zainab made that disastrous investment in the Argee Bahjee. I'm confused. Is there a special jar where Ajay and Tamwar contribute their share of the money that goes toward the monthly mortgage payment? Or are the Masoods mysteriously renting now? I thought the ubiquitous jar holding money in the kitchen was for housekeeping money only.
Oh, well, who cares? I bloody don't. The Masoods have totally lost any identity they had and did so as soon as Zainab left. They are a spent force. Masood pursuing a woman describes herself as a four-by-four, having four kids by four men, and an infidel at that. Eating during the proscribed hours during Ramadan. What next? Tamwar cooking pork chops for dinner?
Tamwar didn't even acknowledge Poppy tonight, when she happened to poke her head around the door of the cafe. He just launched into the soliloquy about Ajay and the rent money and she just wittered on about Fatboy's housing problems, which really aren't problems at all, but her irrational worries.
Since she's too stupid to make a correlation, Tamwar pulls it off, coming into the pub to offer Fatboy accommodation and a position as an ally against Ajay, who's only doubled the rent money he took from a successful gambling spree (remember, Ajay is a secular Muslim, so I guess they all are now).
Not a comic interlude. If these jesters and fools ever performed in front of Henry VII or Richard III, they'd get a facepalm moment ...
... and sent to the Tower.
Ye Newman Negroes and Ye Olde Bawd.
It's important to remember that during the mediaeval and Tudor-era theatres, all parts were taken by males. Thus, it wasn't uncommon to see men in drag portraying women.
And, thus,we had such performances tonight - rather, we could be forgiven for thinking Ye Ava the Rava, the Magic Negro and her Lady Mother Cora-the-Bora were, in fact, men in drag ... innit?
Isn't it odd, now that the school term has finished, that Ava manages to put in a day's work at the Community Centre kids' club? Innit?
I also realised tonight what a bloody annoying screechy voice Ava has, which only adds to her pejorative CV as ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. ON. EASTENDERS.
This is juxtaposed against Sam the Sham moving into Ava the Rava's flat, complete with jukebox as some sort of peace offering and ice breaker. It slays me the way Ava blows hot and cold with Cora, who isn't Ava's mother, just the woman who gave birth to her. Surely, if Ava be getting back with Sam, she would be informing her real parents, the people who adopted, loved and brought her up. One also wonders what sort of "bad place" Ava got herself into with Sam twenty-one years ago, when both of them were in their late twenties, when she would have been a working professional for six years and he would have qualified as a builder.
They lived in a squat? Really?
I don't give a rat's arse about these deeply uninteresting characters played by largely untalented (Perkins), overrated (John), and inexperienced (Best) actors. Khali Best employs weird gurns and is one of a triumvirate of actors who practice garbled speech. Clare Perkins is a walking public service announcement, and tonight Cornell S John was not Ben Vereen.
As for Cora-the-Bora, she can't stay out of the pub. Who the hell says she hasn't got a drinks issue? I'd love to see Ava's other white mother appear - you know, the one who buys Dexter all these presents and helped him out when he was in trouble, whilst Cora was drinking for Britain. Maybe that would be a way for them all to leave.
As for Ann Mitchell ... go. Go now. You are the poor relation of Judy Dench, Maggie Smith and Vanessa Redgrave, and you suck.
Ppffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttt.
'Tis a Pity She's a Whore.
Now we've arrived at the annual Whitney outing, which is really a lead-in to one of the many stories about Kat's redemption. Again.
What is it about EastEnders that makes actresses fat? Maybe because she's been used so little in the past year, Shona McGarty's been spending the time in her dressing room, feeding her face, because she's got a big bum, thunder thighs and a definite belly, not to mention a moon (as in "in the sky") face and a double chin. One thing for certain, she's not been eating yoghurt.
The camera shots featuring her tonight were just weird - frontal shots of her strutting about the Square, boobs thrust forward into the camera, and the odd lingering bum shot as she waddled off in her tight trousers. The girl always looks dirty and greasy; and please, for the umpteenth time, who wears false eyelashes on a daily basis?
Okay, here's a bad research moment: the weird guy who looked like a reject from a NuAge rock band, circa late 1970s, kept speaking in riddles, alluding to the fact that "His Majesty" King Tony refused to do Rule 43 in prison. Actually, it's Rule 45, for nonces, which ensures that so-called "vulnerable" prisoners (such as paedos, rapists and women-beaters) are held in solitary confinement.
Tony still loves Whitney - which means Whitney's experiencing a "dirty girl" moment and, as you do, takes the whole thing out on Tyler, who - please remember now that he's going - has morphed into the dependable bloke. (In other words, the sort of geezer the Walford Mattress would dump).
The original bad boy in her life has returned, and now she's lashing out at Tyler.
Not unusually, I have no sympathy for Whitney. She's a frustrating, infuriating character, one of a plethora who never takes responsibility for her own actions, rather, she blames the closest male at hand for her misfortune.
Remember her blaming Connor for seducing her at the Arches when she was offering him sex on a platter for weeks?
That ended in this scene of the most astounding blame aspersions ever.
Who can forget her cheating on Fatboy with Tyler or cadging money off Fatboy for an evening out in London, only to end up snogging Tyler? Fatboy gave her a car, which is still parked outside the Butcher house.
What a whore! In mediaeval or Tudor times, she'd be in the pit selling herself during intermission at a theatre.
As for Talentless Tyler, he's right about one thing. Whatever he says to Whitney is wrong. She's another one who's projecting her anger onto Tyler when she should be pissed off with the paedo who's playing mind games with what few braincells she has. Tyler is very young, but Alfie had lived almost ten years with his dirty girl and still didn't know how to react to her Eternal Victim behaviour.
The bottom line is this: Whitney is a spent character who can offer nothing now. Shona McGarty, a lazy actress at the best of time, has been phoning in her part for sometime now. She clearly wants a singing career, but thinks she's entitled to the best of both worlds. She's too much of a coward to cut the umbilical cord of EastEnders, so it's time for Lorraine Newman to man up, grow a pair and cut it for her. Kill the character off. Have her drown in a bath - the first she's had for years.
Not the Montagues and the Capulets.
This is not Bobby and Tiffany. Not now. Not ever.
Kudos to Carol, who really gives Bianca no sympathy for having committed a criminal act, and when Carol questions her motives, Bianca can't give her an answer. She simply doesn't know.
An ex-con mother, who's broken her licence once, each time with a more serious crime, and she participates in breaking and entering, theft, arson and vandalism, knowing that, if the crime be discovered, she's back inside for years, and she doesn't know why she did this?
As Carol reckoned about Liam and Bianca, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And whilst Bianca, a 37 year-old certifiable retard shits herself, hiding out in her grace-and-favour home, she sends her dear old mum out to fight her battles for her, against the uncle that she wronged.
Look, I'm Team Ian, here. He actually appealed to Bianca as a family member and also as someone who's known him for most of her life, and she still has no shame about what she's done. She's only worried about herself and her own stringy arse, and once again, Carol will be dumped on.
Of course, he has every right to phone the police, so I really don't understand where Denise is coming from, fighting Bianca's corner. I almost spewed my cup of tea when Denise reminded Ian that she had stood by him on everything.
Er ... really, Denise?
I seem to recall her believing Jean's claims that Ian was sexually harassing her so much that she scurried home to the B and B in a huff, refusing, at first, to see Ian. She kept nagging and encouraging him to apologise to Whitney, when Whitney was the one who called him a "perv" and spread rumours about that in the Vic.
And tonight, she says that if Ian calls the police on Bianca, everyone in Walford will think him the bad man. Now, I don't get that.
Because from the getgo here, that's been one constant theme. Ian is the bad guy in this piece. His business gets done over to the tune of three grand, and he's the bad guy? She seriously thinks that the whole of Walford will rise up in arms against Ian Beale for grassing Bianca up?
Really?
Bianca is that popular?
I don't think so.
The market traders had to be persuaded and sweetened into accepting her back on the stall, as she'd robbed from one of their own and assaulted Mr Lister. And who convinced them to accept her? Ian. At Alfie's request. I don't think they'd miss her.
Kat's not speaking to her now because of the way she bullied Jean into keeping mouth shut about the crime, when Jean's conscience was gnawing away at her. Even tonight, Jean was desperately trying to get Ian to accept that she and Shirley were just as responsible for damaging Scarlett's as Bianca, but ian was having none of it.
Phil's not overly fond of her either, so there'd be no love lost there. Janine wouldn't miss her rudeness or her ingratitude.
So not everyone in the Square would think Ian a bad man for shopping his niece. They'd probably give him a medal.
There's something not right about the Denise-Ian dynamic. I was glad, at first, that she was moved front and centre and embarking on a relationship with Ian, although, in truth, I'd have liked to see Ian remain single and woman-free for awhile. Too much has been made of Ian Beale careening over the years from woman to woman with the ensuing infidelity storyline almost a given, as well as his own infidelity.
But just now, Denise isn't working. She's been in Walford long enough to have known Ian before his breakdown and to remember what he was like. He wasn't a pleasant man. The breakdown, yes, has revealed a more compassionate side of his nature - for example, Pre-Breakdown Ian would never have befriended and encouraged Jean, and Alfie's friendship has certainly helped him; but Denise can be bloody patronising sometimes, talking about him to his children in the third person as if he's some sort of Asperger's Syndrome charity case ...
We've been workin' on 'is social skills.
As bloody if! Ian's social skills are fine. He's a bleeding businessman, FFS! They can charm the leaves off a magnolia tree one minute and go for the jugular the next. Think J R Ewing.
As J R said years ago in Dallas:-
It's a dirty rotten job, but somebody has to do it.
So Denise is shocked - I say, she's shocked, damn it! - when she realises Ian's true nature hasn't changed one whit. He's got to be hard and determined in order to succeed. Finally, once again, they emphasize how desperate Ian is and how afraid he is of ending up alone. He goes crawling to Denise with flowers and an apology, and Denise, the supposed "strong woman" melts and runs back into his arms. Another thing, it wasn't more than a few weeks ago that Denise was sexually aroused by Ian's obnoxious Mr Big performance, playing the Big-I-Am, so is Denise as much a gold-digger, after financial security as Jane, to a great degree, and Mandy were? Think critically now.
Lucy did him over. Bianca did him over. They're kin. Guess what? You don't choose your relatives, and Ian has as much right to scam Lucy as he does to call the Old Bill on his criminally retarded niece.
As for his not wanting Bobby to associate with Tiffany and as for Bianca not wanting Tiff to associate with Bobby, their fucking cousins, for fuck's sake! Oh, wait .. I forgot. That flew out the window with Lauren and Joey.
Denise doesn't like the word "chav" - quite possibly because her oldest daughter and her sister are chavs. But Ian is right. Bianca is a chav. In families, there are some people who succeed and some who don't. Just look at Kate Middleton's family, who are nothing more than scrubbed-up chavs, thus giving Britain, sometime in the future, its first Chav King.
Michael Moon has a university degree, and his brothers can barely string a sentence together. Archie Mitchell lived in a mansion and appreciated fine wine and classical music, and his poor relations stayed in the East End.
You don't chose your relatives.
And finally ... Bobby and Tiffany. Stage. School. Prats.
Tiffany is no longer cute. In fact, like Chesney on Corrie, she's growing into a fairly plain-faced adolescent. The dialogue she's given is contrived and presents her as a spoiled, mouthy brat, who needs a smack. Seriously.
Also, Maisie Smith, like the kid who plays eleven year-old Faye on Corrie is in the full throes of the early stages of puberty. She's no more ten than I am a Dutchman. Soon, like Gemma Bissix, who - at fifteen - was playing an eleven year-old, they'll be binding her boobs.
The first lot of extended dialogue tonight was embarrassingly bad.
Whitney: This magazine is for teenagers.
Tiffany: I'm precocious.
Whitney: You don't even know what that word means.
Tiffany: Yes, I do. Mrs Watson at school says I'm a precocious little mare.
Yeah, she is and all. That's not "awwwww cute". It's not even funny, and I doubt Mrs Watson at school even said that to Tiffany's face. It would be more than her job is worth. Chances are, Tiff was ear-wigging where she shouldn't have been.
The second lot of extended dialogue should have been met with a smack - calling Ian a pig to his face and reiterating that Bobby thought so as well. Was that a lie or is Bobby being coerced into thinking his dad is a prat? That should have resulted in an instant slap from Bianca, but kudos for dragging her around to Ian's to apologise. (However, she only did that because she thought Ian would be on the dog-and-bone to the Old Bill). Had this been a normal encounter, Bianca would have argued the toss with Ian and defended Tiffany's rudeness.
And "Mr Beale?" Really? Ian knows Bianca is family. Bianca knows Ian is family. Are her kids really that thick.
Tiffany is embarrassingly unlikeable, and NuBobby is equally so. They are the proverbial stage school kids, who are constantly aware that they are acting. That Maisie Smith's mother says she's the same in real life as Tiffany makes me shudder.
I wish there were a way Bianca's kids could just disappear down a manhole. The only way I'd like to see Bianca remain on the Square is if Ricky returns, but I think Sid Owen'd burned his bridges this time.
Not a bad episode, but still too much deadwood and deadbeats.
The women of that period referred to The Wars of the Roses as "The Cousins' War," because it really was a great, big, humongous family feud, which boiled the future of England down to two horny blokes fighting over a blonde.
Not much has changed, then, especially if you imagine Max Branning as Henry Tudor (well, Henry was ginger, and eventually bald), Carl White as Richard III and Kirstie Branning as Elizabeth of York playing one off against the other.
'Ere, 'Enry, we're good togevvah. Yer go'gha save me from that Dick. I mean, 'e wants ter'ave me. 'Enry, yer know I need ya.
You can almost hear Shakespeare turning in his grave.
This is MAH manor, 'Enry Tudor!
The modern-day "manor" being Walford, you know.
I'm takin' meself off into exile. Ge'a grip, Liz. Bugger the lot o'ya. 'Ere, Squire Jack, look after the livery, will ya?
Plus ca change, plus ca reste la meme.
One thing that makes 21st Century Walford very similar indeed to 15th Century England is the fact that everyone in Walford is so closely related to one another, that kinship is almost certainly forgotten.
I mean, how many people call their great-uncle "Mr Beale?" Ian is Bianca's uncle. He's also Lexi's uncle, but we've seen no attempt on Ian's part to claim custody of Ben's child from her Mitchell minders. Janine Butcher is the stepsister of the returning David Wicks (Ian's brother), but she's also Phil Mitchell's stepsister as well.
Odds are that Roxy Mitchell is probably still Jean Slater's daughter-in-law. Roxy's daughter, Amy, was registered "Amy Slater," with Sean Slater on her birth certificate as her father, her legal father.
Denise Fox is David Wicks's cousin by marriage, and a step-cousin by marriage to Bianca. And if Lorraine Newman weren't so intent to re-unite Alfie and Kat, we'd see Alfie becoming the brother-in-law of the woman who tried to kidnap Tommy.
Oh, go figure. For a historical perspective ...
On a more serious note ...
Just imagine ... a mediaeval Max Branning
Innit?
Actually, the following is more in keeping with the Walford Cousins' War ...
As Christopher Reason always tries to do the best with the steaming heap handed him by the storyliners, I'd like to think he approached tonight's episode as a parody of a Shakespearean drama feast.
Ye Comic Interlude That Does Not Amuse.
If this were a mediaeval or Renaissance spectacle, there'd surely be what was referred to as a "comic interlude." As well, all courts had their jesters and fools. Whilst the jesters were almost always men, the fools could be women as well.
Tonight we have Jester One (Fatboy), Jester Two (Tamwar), Jester Three (Ajay), Fool One (Poppy) and (Fool Two) Kim.
All of whom are never funny and often quite pathetic.
I used to wonder how Fatboy, working minimum wage bar work, could afford a room in the B and B, and now I know. Based on Denise's calculations that Phil's five hundred quid would buy Shirley two months' worth of hospitality, either that means that Kim charges little over 8 quid a night or Denise is seriously stupid - in which case, she shouldn't be managing The Minute Mart, let alone helping run the B and B; because Kim would be seriously bankrupt.
However, we're asked to believe that the absolute only thing that would get Fatboy to move from the B and B - or that would entice Poppy to passive aggressively bully him into moving - would be Poppy's fear that Kim would seduce Fatboy.
Poopy-La-Dim is seriously stupid.
Tamwar is a character who used to be amusing. His dry wit and one-liners concerning his family's quirks were hilarious and his Rude Masood website, where he did amazingly accurate impersonations of Dot, Patrick. Peggy and Zainab. His friendship with Darren was poignant and funny.
Now he's degenerated into a monotoned, monosyllabic loser who trawls the market daily as Assistant inspector taking all manner of bullying and abuse. Tonight, Poopy-La-Dim just happens to mention she's looking for accommodation for Fatboy just at the precise same time Tamwar is moaning about Ajay having taken fifty quid from something Tamwar called "the Rent Jar."
Okay, I thought the Masoods owned the house where they lived. In fact, they re-mortgaged when Zainab made that disastrous investment in the Argee Bahjee. I'm confused. Is there a special jar where Ajay and Tamwar contribute their share of the money that goes toward the monthly mortgage payment? Or are the Masoods mysteriously renting now? I thought the ubiquitous jar holding money in the kitchen was for housekeeping money only.
Oh, well, who cares? I bloody don't. The Masoods have totally lost any identity they had and did so as soon as Zainab left. They are a spent force. Masood pursuing a woman describes herself as a four-by-four, having four kids by four men, and an infidel at that. Eating during the proscribed hours during Ramadan. What next? Tamwar cooking pork chops for dinner?
Tamwar didn't even acknowledge Poppy tonight, when she happened to poke her head around the door of the cafe. He just launched into the soliloquy about Ajay and the rent money and she just wittered on about Fatboy's housing problems, which really aren't problems at all, but her irrational worries.
Since she's too stupid to make a correlation, Tamwar pulls it off, coming into the pub to offer Fatboy accommodation and a position as an ally against Ajay, who's only doubled the rent money he took from a successful gambling spree (remember, Ajay is a secular Muslim, so I guess they all are now).
Not a comic interlude. If these jesters and fools ever performed in front of Henry VII or Richard III, they'd get a facepalm moment ...
... and sent to the Tower.
Ye Newman Negroes and Ye Olde Bawd.
It's important to remember that during the mediaeval and Tudor-era theatres, all parts were taken by males. Thus, it wasn't uncommon to see men in drag portraying women.
And, thus,we had such performances tonight - rather, we could be forgiven for thinking Ye Ava the Rava, the Magic Negro and her Lady Mother Cora-the-Bora were, in fact, men in drag ... innit?
Isn't it odd, now that the school term has finished, that Ava manages to put in a day's work at the Community Centre kids' club? Innit?
I also realised tonight what a bloody annoying screechy voice Ava has, which only adds to her pejorative CV as ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. ON. EASTENDERS.
This is juxtaposed against Sam the Sham moving into Ava the Rava's flat, complete with jukebox as some sort of peace offering and ice breaker. It slays me the way Ava blows hot and cold with Cora, who isn't Ava's mother, just the woman who gave birth to her. Surely, if Ava be getting back with Sam, she would be informing her real parents, the people who adopted, loved and brought her up. One also wonders what sort of "bad place" Ava got herself into with Sam twenty-one years ago, when both of them were in their late twenties, when she would have been a working professional for six years and he would have qualified as a builder.
They lived in a squat? Really?
I don't give a rat's arse about these deeply uninteresting characters played by largely untalented (Perkins), overrated (John), and inexperienced (Best) actors. Khali Best employs weird gurns and is one of a triumvirate of actors who practice garbled speech. Clare Perkins is a walking public service announcement, and tonight Cornell S John was not Ben Vereen.
As for Cora-the-Bora, she can't stay out of the pub. Who the hell says she hasn't got a drinks issue? I'd love to see Ava's other white mother appear - you know, the one who buys Dexter all these presents and helped him out when he was in trouble, whilst Cora was drinking for Britain. Maybe that would be a way for them all to leave.
As for Ann Mitchell ... go. Go now. You are the poor relation of Judy Dench, Maggie Smith and Vanessa Redgrave, and you suck.
Ppffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttt.
'Tis a Pity She's a Whore.
Now we've arrived at the annual Whitney outing, which is really a lead-in to one of the many stories about Kat's redemption. Again.
What is it about EastEnders that makes actresses fat? Maybe because she's been used so little in the past year, Shona McGarty's been spending the time in her dressing room, feeding her face, because she's got a big bum, thunder thighs and a definite belly, not to mention a moon (as in "in the sky") face and a double chin. One thing for certain, she's not been eating yoghurt.
The camera shots featuring her tonight were just weird - frontal shots of her strutting about the Square, boobs thrust forward into the camera, and the odd lingering bum shot as she waddled off in her tight trousers. The girl always looks dirty and greasy; and please, for the umpteenth time, who wears false eyelashes on a daily basis?
Okay, here's a bad research moment: the weird guy who looked like a reject from a NuAge rock band, circa late 1970s, kept speaking in riddles, alluding to the fact that "His Majesty" King Tony refused to do Rule 43 in prison. Actually, it's Rule 45, for nonces, which ensures that so-called "vulnerable" prisoners (such as paedos, rapists and women-beaters) are held in solitary confinement.
Tony still loves Whitney - which means Whitney's experiencing a "dirty girl" moment and, as you do, takes the whole thing out on Tyler, who - please remember now that he's going - has morphed into the dependable bloke. (In other words, the sort of geezer the Walford Mattress would dump).
Not unusually, I have no sympathy for Whitney. She's a frustrating, infuriating character, one of a plethora who never takes responsibility for her own actions, rather, she blames the closest male at hand for her misfortune.
Remember her blaming Connor for seducing her at the Arches when she was offering him sex on a platter for weeks?
Who can forget her cheating on Fatboy with Tyler or cadging money off Fatboy for an evening out in London, only to end up snogging Tyler? Fatboy gave her a car, which is still parked outside the Butcher house.
What a whore! In mediaeval or Tudor times, she'd be in the pit selling herself during intermission at a theatre.
As for Talentless Tyler, he's right about one thing. Whatever he says to Whitney is wrong. She's another one who's projecting her anger onto Tyler when she should be pissed off with the paedo who's playing mind games with what few braincells she has. Tyler is very young, but Alfie had lived almost ten years with his dirty girl and still didn't know how to react to her Eternal Victim behaviour.
The bottom line is this: Whitney is a spent character who can offer nothing now. Shona McGarty, a lazy actress at the best of time, has been phoning in her part for sometime now. She clearly wants a singing career, but thinks she's entitled to the best of both worlds. She's too much of a coward to cut the umbilical cord of EastEnders, so it's time for Lorraine Newman to man up, grow a pair and cut it for her. Kill the character off. Have her drown in a bath - the first she's had for years.
Not the Montagues and the Capulets.
This is not Bobby and Tiffany. Not now. Not ever.
Kudos to Carol, who really gives Bianca no sympathy for having committed a criminal act, and when Carol questions her motives, Bianca can't give her an answer. She simply doesn't know.
An ex-con mother, who's broken her licence once, each time with a more serious crime, and she participates in breaking and entering, theft, arson and vandalism, knowing that, if the crime be discovered, she's back inside for years, and she doesn't know why she did this?
As Carol reckoned about Liam and Bianca, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And whilst Bianca, a 37 year-old certifiable retard shits herself, hiding out in her grace-and-favour home, she sends her dear old mum out to fight her battles for her, against the uncle that she wronged.
Look, I'm Team Ian, here. He actually appealed to Bianca as a family member and also as someone who's known him for most of her life, and she still has no shame about what she's done. She's only worried about herself and her own stringy arse, and once again, Carol will be dumped on.
Of course, he has every right to phone the police, so I really don't understand where Denise is coming from, fighting Bianca's corner. I almost spewed my cup of tea when Denise reminded Ian that she had stood by him on everything.
Er ... really, Denise?
I seem to recall her believing Jean's claims that Ian was sexually harassing her so much that she scurried home to the B and B in a huff, refusing, at first, to see Ian. She kept nagging and encouraging him to apologise to Whitney, when Whitney was the one who called him a "perv" and spread rumours about that in the Vic.
And tonight, she says that if Ian calls the police on Bianca, everyone in Walford will think him the bad man. Now, I don't get that.
Because from the getgo here, that's been one constant theme. Ian is the bad guy in this piece. His business gets done over to the tune of three grand, and he's the bad guy? She seriously thinks that the whole of Walford will rise up in arms against Ian Beale for grassing Bianca up?
Really?
Bianca is that popular?
I don't think so.
The market traders had to be persuaded and sweetened into accepting her back on the stall, as she'd robbed from one of their own and assaulted Mr Lister. And who convinced them to accept her? Ian. At Alfie's request. I don't think they'd miss her.
Kat's not speaking to her now because of the way she bullied Jean into keeping mouth shut about the crime, when Jean's conscience was gnawing away at her. Even tonight, Jean was desperately trying to get Ian to accept that she and Shirley were just as responsible for damaging Scarlett's as Bianca, but ian was having none of it.
Phil's not overly fond of her either, so there'd be no love lost there. Janine wouldn't miss her rudeness or her ingratitude.
So not everyone in the Square would think Ian a bad man for shopping his niece. They'd probably give him a medal.
There's something not right about the Denise-Ian dynamic. I was glad, at first, that she was moved front and centre and embarking on a relationship with Ian, although, in truth, I'd have liked to see Ian remain single and woman-free for awhile. Too much has been made of Ian Beale careening over the years from woman to woman with the ensuing infidelity storyline almost a given, as well as his own infidelity.
But just now, Denise isn't working. She's been in Walford long enough to have known Ian before his breakdown and to remember what he was like. He wasn't a pleasant man. The breakdown, yes, has revealed a more compassionate side of his nature - for example, Pre-Breakdown Ian would never have befriended and encouraged Jean, and Alfie's friendship has certainly helped him; but Denise can be bloody patronising sometimes, talking about him to his children in the third person as if he's some sort of Asperger's Syndrome charity case ...
We've been workin' on 'is social skills.
As bloody if! Ian's social skills are fine. He's a bleeding businessman, FFS! They can charm the leaves off a magnolia tree one minute and go for the jugular the next. Think J R Ewing.
As J R said years ago in Dallas:-
It's a dirty rotten job, but somebody has to do it.
So Denise is shocked - I say, she's shocked, damn it! - when she realises Ian's true nature hasn't changed one whit. He's got to be hard and determined in order to succeed. Finally, once again, they emphasize how desperate Ian is and how afraid he is of ending up alone. He goes crawling to Denise with flowers and an apology, and Denise, the supposed "strong woman" melts and runs back into his arms. Another thing, it wasn't more than a few weeks ago that Denise was sexually aroused by Ian's obnoxious Mr Big performance, playing the Big-I-Am, so is Denise as much a gold-digger, after financial security as Jane, to a great degree, and Mandy were? Think critically now.
Lucy did him over. Bianca did him over. They're kin. Guess what? You don't choose your relatives, and Ian has as much right to scam Lucy as he does to call the Old Bill on his criminally retarded niece.
As for his not wanting Bobby to associate with Tiffany and as for Bianca not wanting Tiff to associate with Bobby, their fucking cousins, for fuck's sake! Oh, wait .. I forgot. That flew out the window with Lauren and Joey.
Denise doesn't like the word "chav" - quite possibly because her oldest daughter and her sister are chavs. But Ian is right. Bianca is a chav. In families, there are some people who succeed and some who don't. Just look at Kate Middleton's family, who are nothing more than scrubbed-up chavs, thus giving Britain, sometime in the future, its first Chav King.
Michael Moon has a university degree, and his brothers can barely string a sentence together. Archie Mitchell lived in a mansion and appreciated fine wine and classical music, and his poor relations stayed in the East End.
You don't chose your relatives.
And finally ... Bobby and Tiffany. Stage. School. Prats.
Tiffany is no longer cute. In fact, like Chesney on Corrie, she's growing into a fairly plain-faced adolescent. The dialogue she's given is contrived and presents her as a spoiled, mouthy brat, who needs a smack. Seriously.
Also, Maisie Smith, like the kid who plays eleven year-old Faye on Corrie is in the full throes of the early stages of puberty. She's no more ten than I am a Dutchman. Soon, like Gemma Bissix, who - at fifteen - was playing an eleven year-old, they'll be binding her boobs.
The first lot of extended dialogue tonight was embarrassingly bad.
Whitney: This magazine is for teenagers.
Tiffany: I'm precocious.
Whitney: You don't even know what that word means.
Tiffany: Yes, I do. Mrs Watson at school says I'm a precocious little mare.
Yeah, she is and all. That's not "awwwww cute". It's not even funny, and I doubt Mrs Watson at school even said that to Tiffany's face. It would be more than her job is worth. Chances are, Tiff was ear-wigging where she shouldn't have been.
The second lot of extended dialogue should have been met with a smack - calling Ian a pig to his face and reiterating that Bobby thought so as well. Was that a lie or is Bobby being coerced into thinking his dad is a prat? That should have resulted in an instant slap from Bianca, but kudos for dragging her around to Ian's to apologise. (However, she only did that because she thought Ian would be on the dog-and-bone to the Old Bill). Had this been a normal encounter, Bianca would have argued the toss with Ian and defended Tiffany's rudeness.
And "Mr Beale?" Really? Ian knows Bianca is family. Bianca knows Ian is family. Are her kids really that thick.
Tiffany is embarrassingly unlikeable, and NuBobby is equally so. They are the proverbial stage school kids, who are constantly aware that they are acting. That Maisie Smith's mother says she's the same in real life as Tiffany makes me shudder.
I wish there were a way Bianca's kids could just disappear down a manhole. The only way I'd like to see Bianca remain on the Square is if Ricky returns, but I think Sid Owen'd burned his bridges this time.
Not a bad episode, but still too much deadwood and deadbeats.
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