Monday, July 1, 2013

What Sucking Shit Must Me Like - Review: 01.07.2013

Well, that was a short week, folks. As the song says ...


Back to life, back to reality ... and the reality is that Australian Peter Matessi sucks shit as a writer for EastEnders, and the show was back to, well, sucking shit once more.

All the good that was portrayed in Friday's episode went down the drain, and - Jake Wood, aside - we were presented with the total crapiola, bad writing, embarrassing acting and totally negative characterisation that's become the trademark of EastEnders lately.

This isn't EastEnders. This isn't even EastEnders 2.0, which - effectively - ended Friday night when the door slammed on Tanya's fat arse. (It'll be locked solid when Jack leaves). Nope, this is EastEnders 2.01, chocked full of catalogue models posing as young adults who act like entitled, spoiled adolescents, shallow girls with no common sense, bitter old alcholic crones of varying degrees passing judgement, the odd village idiot and the Magic Negro and her shambolic clan.

This, folks, is inconsistency. It's why the writing room needs clearing out, and it's why EastEnders' problems are far from over and why the return of Samantha Womack won't solve them.

Team Branning: Time Someone Gave Abi a Smack.

I praised Abi on Friday because she took her putrid mother to task for lying to Max and absconding with his children. He had a right to know, and she stated it. There are those on various fora who say it wasn't her place to speak to her mother like that and about that subject, but I say it was.

However, tonight, it was back to the same old same old. The morning after, just past eleven o'clock, and already Tanya's found a place to rent in the centre of Exeter.  Clever girl, that Tanya. Wonder what she had to do to achieve that and wonder how handsome/rich/well-endowed the estate agent was?

Anyway, we're back to Abi taking the phonecall from Mummy Dearest, only to look past Max, in the house where Max pays the rent and all the utilities, towards freeloader Cora the Bora and Dex-TAAAAAAAAAA, who's happened to horn in after not being part, parcel and party to Lauren's troubles or really to any personal business of the Branning family. Ignoring Max was bloody rude, but actually blaming him for Tanya leaving was low.

It was Tanya's fault as much as Max's that she couldn't live with or without him. The guilty parties in a co-dependent relationship were both the participants; but Tanya was in two co-dependent relationships - one with Max, and one has to assume she was with Max because the sex with him was so mind-blowing; and one with Lauren, because Lauren was her daughter-girlfriend. Tanya is toxic, and I predict the reason Lauren, fresh out of rehab, will return to Walford on her own, will be because she was being stifled by Tanya's constant presence.

It was Tanya's weakness, her jealousy of the fact that Max would deign to marry another person and then her wounded pride when she found out that Max had left the lying Kirsty that caused her to leave Walford. It was also Tanya's obsession with all things Lauren. Sure, Tanya focusedd on Abi, "her special gel" who was studying for exams, for the past two years; but Abi was never Tanya's special girl. That was all a front to shame Lauren into bucking her ideas up. She wanted Abi to go with her because she was part of the front against Big Bad Dad. And there Abi is, holding down the fort, blaming Max for all sorts.

Where she really was out of order was in her confrontation with Kirsty. Yes, what Kirsty did was wrong and abominable; but Abi doesn't understand half of the adult dynamic that was Max and Kirsty. She doesn't understand or know that Max has feelings for her, that he couldn't even tell her he didn't love her. She knows nothing about Kirsty's background, how she met Max, what attracted the two and how desperate she was to hold onto someone she saw as the only positive thing in her life enough to tell such a lie as she told.

For Abi to confront her on the street in a public situation, screaming at the top of her voice, demanding to know what sort of person would do what Kirsty did is actually worse than Kirsty's behaviour. It's judgemental, hypocritical and wrong. At least, at the end of the day, Kirsty didn't snake a married man away from his child. For once, when I saw Kat put in a brief appearance across the street, I wanted her to come over and smack the living shit out of that spoiled, entitled, bare-faced little brat.

Of course, the fount of all wisdom is there at Abi's side; because Abi has her own Magic-Negro-in-Training, Dex-TAAAAAAAAAA. 

And it just happens to be his day off! So she gets the philosophical Magic Negro treatment of Dex-TAAAAAAAA lecturing Abi about how she only has one dad, and Max is the one, and how they have to stick together - ne'mind he can't follow his own advice; His final assessment is that parents are "mental" - so I guess that includes his friend Lola, who happens to be a parent. Or doesn't he consider her one?

The highlight of Team Branning for me was when Max told Cora the Bora where to go. Like, away. I hope he's kicked her skank arse out of the house. She never contributed a red copper penny to the rent of the house, spent all the housekeeping money Tanya left her when she ran away earlier this year - spent it on drink; and she wasn't above handing Abi a wodge of  brown envelopes to ferry across the street to Max, with instructions that he was to pay them.

Even after Max thought better of his actions and offered an olive branch to the old coot, she couldn't risk showing any gratitude, instead questioning his skills as a father, when she should really be looking in the mirror at the sterling job she did as a parent, herself. And where was she before her afternoon shift at the launderette? Stoking up on the stiff G & T's at the pub. I hope her liver fails. 

Max, of course, was centre stage. Jake Wood, easily has the most emotive face of any actor on the show, but at times, when he's on a sad run, he looks curiously likes the gecko he voices in the GEICO ads:-



And Max is still the same. He's hurt by Kirsty - another reason Abi had no call to assume what she did, without knowing how Max felt about not being a father again, not even understanding the undermining her mother was trying to accomplish by separating his three living children from the assumed newborn, as if they weren't to be related, all the while running all over Walford trying to wipe Ava's arse, out of guilt.

Max has been hurt by Kirsty, but he isn't ready to tell her he doesn't love her. Kirsty was probably right. If Max had told her that he didn't love her, she would have slunk away, never to be seen again; after all, when Max told her he didn't want her, he wanted to be with Tanya and shoved the divorce papers at her, she signed them and left. What killed that with Tanya was that Max couldn't admit that he didn't have feelings for Kirsty. This time, he still can't. As long as there's a chance for Max to love Kirsty, she'll hang on in there, hoping for a crumb from Max's table.

Such is the Twenty-First Century woman of Walford.

Now the Shit That Sucked

The Magic Negro and Dex-TAAAAAA and the Drunken Old Hag.

Here she is ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. IN. EASTENDERS.

Is this woman a joke? She's actually going to school on a day when the kids are on a field trip - only, she doesn't make it because Sam the Sham wants to set up a session of Commando Sex. (And we're supposed to think that is funny).

Seriously, I don't think the mulit-racial Cross clan is working at all. Why? Ava made it abundantly clear in the episodes written for the temporary character of Ava, when she was a well-spoken, well-educated professional, that she had a middle-class upbringing by loving white parents in Surbiton - you know, Surbiton as in Jerry and Margo Leadbetter ...


In subsequent episodes, Ava's led people to believe her parents are still alive. They helped her deal with Dexter when he was in a gang, they sent him presents - most recently a shirt. She spoke of them in the present tense. She made it abundantly clear as well that she had nothing in common with Cora, and why would she? Cora is not her mother. She's the woman who gave birth to her and who gave her up.

Yet Cora's marched around Walford, giving Sam the evil eye, threatening him and telling him to leave. Really, Cora? Like, what could you do? He's a free man in a free country. And she's no claim on Ava; and if Ava really cared about her untalented, unintelligible, poor imitation of Will Smith of a son, she wouldn't want him anyplace near Cora. In fact, no parent should want their child anyplace near Cora. She's not a good influence.

She's rude, she's dishonest and she has poor judgement skills. Does Ava know how she fleeced Dot Branning out of thousands of pounds in rent and almost got her evicted?

I have no interest whatsoever in the pineapple-headed teacher who only seems to roam the streets known as the Magic Negro. Nor her son. Nor her long-lost whatever, who came with a totally retconned past.

Here it is again: Ava recounted how her white middle class parents paid for a top-flight education for her at a good university. She must have started teaching at twenty-two. Later this summer, she'll turn forty-nine and Cock will turn twenty-one, which will probably mean a celebration (yawn). So Ava was 28 when Dexter was born. Hardly a spring chicken, and with at least six years' teaching experience behind her. Living with a man who was a builder - another well-paid profession. 

So what the hell were they doing living in a squat in Croydon when Dexter was born?

The sudden interest tonight of Ava in All Things Cross was pathetic. At best, she's been indifferent to Tanya, and it's always been Tanya who forced herself on Ava - relentlessly at first, as though Ava were one of those speciality black mamma dolls that Tanya thought was a novelty. Then the magic wore off, especially after an afternoon of wine and Tanya telling Ava to "go for it" with Sam, and she was basically dropped.

People wonder why The Magic Negro didn't turn up with words of wisdom and glares at Max on Friday night. She didn't need to be there, anymore than she doesn't need to be judgemental of Max, when all these people are fucking strangers and not her family.

I think it's safe to call the casting of Ava as a permanent character and her unlikeable son an epic fail. Ava and Co are Newman's Moon Goons, characters created and cast on the spur of the moment because the EP liked the actress, with no development arc, no defined backstory and no depth. And Clare Perkins sucks too. There. I said it.

However, taken apart from Ava and the interminable Daddy Issue storyline, Sam, on his own, shows some promise. In his scenes with Jean tonight, he showed humour and real compassion - a nice man. And I'd like to see him stay.

Ava, the sprog and the drunken old coot can fuck off out of Walford, hopefully together. I wouldn't miss them at all. And Cora only brings the wonderful Patrick down to her sordid level.

Those three are top of my list for axing.

Poopy-La-Dim.

Tick tock tick tock.

Poopy's been made manageress of Booty's, which means a serious demeanor, an upgrade in salary and something she wants to witter onto everyone about. Except no one wants to hear. The Walford residents are getting bored with Poopy, and since Tanya's selling the Salon, which Poopy doesn't know, then she'll be out on her arse again shortly. And out of Walford, hopefully.

How long before the Pooper-Scooper arrives for Poopy?

The Mouth Breathers' Association.

OK, I'm convinced tonight that Hetti Bywater is another actress who sucks. She must be painfully aware of how thin she is on camera or else she was so thin that she was freezing the way she keeps her arms wrapped about her, and her delivery is awful.

Joey: You was mean to Lauren.

Lucy: Yeah ... well ... I was .... mean ... to Lauren.

Joey: You was s'posed ter be'er friend.

Lucy: We were ... friends but ... it .... wasn't like ... that.

I got so fed up with her affected glottal stops and her uneven delivery, I kept looking at the clock.

Who the fuck cares about Lauren, Lucy or Joey?

Really, this is another bad, bad example EastEnders have set before viewers, giving young girls the idea that nothing matters unless you've got that godalmighty man. Kirsty would do anything for Max, and Lucy and Lauren would do anything for the incredibly lame-brained and unintelligible underwear model who plays Joey. David Witts, nice lad, is the most talentless actor ever to appear in front of a camera on the show. He makes Tony Discipline look adequate and Liam Bergin look like Laurence Olivier.

As I said about Friday's episode, this is now, once again all about Lauren's love for Joey, which was not only unconvincing, it was gross, as they were cousins. His one chance at happiness? Pull the other one, sunshine. He fucked Lucy Beale to get a roof over his head, snogged Whitney (whom he's about to revisit) and suddenly decided he was in love with Lauren. I'd love to see an episode where he got an STI, where it turned out to be syphilis and it rotted off.

Lucy and Joey should be on the way out of Walford, it doesn't matter if she's a Beale. She's rank. And he's worse. He's rotten.

SuperJean.

Jean's working two jobs as a cook - one at the Vic, and one at the restaurant. I suppose the ethos behind Jean's tale of woe tonight - which will lead into the big fire later on in the week - is that when Jean speaks, no one listens.

Jean is the Slater-Moon's village idiot. She believes horoscopes, because Jean believes all sorts of New Age blather. She's Wicca Dot really. So now we know that when Dot passes, Jean wll bring out the incense and magic mushrooms and dispense loving wisdom to all of Walford.

How many times did she tell Ian tonight that she wasn't working at the restaurant today? He didn't listen, and she wouldn't make herself heard, so she got caught in a melee of meals at the Vic and being expected to cook at Scarlett's, with Ian scared shitless about Carl showing up.

And how many times do we have to see Jean run ragged, arms flailing, voice screeching, head bobbing and legs churning like a comic book character until she stops in the middle of the Square and bursts into tears? Of course, there's always someone there to pick up the pieces - Max or Alfie or in this instance Sam.

Instead of mollifying the situation, we call on another of Jean's stock party pieces - misunderstanding the attentions of an inappropriate man. OK, we know Jean's horoscope probably refers to her future romance with the geezer from The Bill, but Ian's turn of phrase about a "little treat" for Jean to reward her performance as an employee, has her now thinking that Ian's got a crush on her - and where'd she get that idea? Daftly suggested by Shirley, who was encouraging her to mutiny and give up the job. Shirley's jealous because Jean's got two jobs which probably pay relatively well, whilst she's still on minimum wage.

Not good. Not funny.

Line of the night goes to Phil Mitchell about Lauren in rehab ... She's in the best place.

True. Too bad, she's not staying.


Oh yeah ... crap duff-duff too. Totally undeserved and just rank.

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