EastEnders Unleashed: Joey

Some Digital Spy shippers are wondering what to do about Joey now that his raison d'etre, Derek, has snuffed it.

Please ... this is the truth. Derek was his raison d'etre. Derek was the reason he was created, after all. Lauren was simply his raison de baiser. Nothing more. Nothing less.

One kind soul on the forum actually expostulated a premise which left me, frankly, gobsmacked:-

IMO Joey needs to be at the centre of the soap or there is the risk of him going the way of Tyler Moon.

You bloody what?

I don't know what version of EastEnders this person has been watching, but the whole problem with Tyler Moon arose from TPTB's efforts to place Tyler squarely in the centre of the soap. This time last year and until March 2012, Twitney was the go-to couple. Reams and reams of film were made and extensively shown, detailing how, from Pat's death onward, Whitney and Tyler danced around each other, mindful always of his friendship with Fatboy (her then beau) and her dalliance with him, until that uneventful Valentine's episode which sucked terribly.

The problem with Tyler Moon is basically the same problem Joey Branning has ... neither character is played by any actor with either previous acting experience or talent. Both were hired because of the fact that they were, in today's parlance, fit. They looked good and hunky with their shirts off.

When Joey arrived, we were told he was destined to be paired with Skinny Minny Bag-o-Bones Beale, that Lucy and Joey were destined to be the next power couple on the Square ... this generation's Sharon and Grant.

Reaction?

The next grand design was to pair him with his first cousin Lauren for a bit of forbidden love. TPTB pushed Joey as the resident hunk and also did a make-over job with Jacqueline Jossa, collagening and false boobing her into a replica of the current US go-to girl Jennifer Lawrence, but without a smidgeon of talent.

Jennifer Lawrence

NOT Jennifer Lawrence

EastEnders have created a rushed teenaged angst couple without any redeeming qualities. Any likeability Joey may have had flew out the window when he was wantonly rude to Ian Beale in his own home. Lauren is a lazy, entitled, sensless, compassionless, selifsh, self-obsessed, spoiled drunk. As someone else on Digital Spy opined, she seriously needs less screentime, or even the axe. But for some reason, TPTB, and in particular, Newman, seem intent on pushing her as the ingenue of the moment without any redeeming quality other than being a member of the ever-increasing Branning tribe. What's the honest truth is that, sometime about a year ago, the actress who plays her started believing her own hype and life began to imitate art. Whenever she's on screen, she's very aware of herself and of the camera. The character got a slap recently. The actress could do with the axe.

But really, the truth about David Witts and what to do with his character is the same essential truth about Tony Discipline, the actor who plays Tyler Moon: neither have any previous acting experience or talent. They were two nameless underwear models, plucked from a catalogue and plopped at the centre of the BBC's flagship programme. People need to remember what happened to Brookside once it started casting off the street and pushing the show as a vehicle for the dubious and silicone-enhanced talents of Claire Sweeney.

David Witts has no more need to be at the centre of EastEnders than the Easter Bunny does. In fact, the Easter Bunny has more right - because he'll at least show up, leave the Easter eggs and go. Witts hangs around, mumbles inarticulate dialogue which can only be understood via subtitles, hangs his head sideways and stands with his mouth agape for far longer than necessary.

If a troglodyte like that, who doesn't even bear a passing resemblance to Nigel Harman or Robert Kasinski, is to become the central young male figure on EastEnders, then the show really and truly has jumped the shark and Lorraine Newman should be taken out and smacked.

Witts likes to emphasise his "stage" experience and qualifications, but his chief claim to fame is touring in a review called WildBoyz which is basically described as British-Village-People-Visit-South-Beach. Very camp, as you can see ...