The Wannabe Branning Show: Suspicion, PruneFaces and MouthBreathers - Review 07.12.2012

Jeff Povey presented us with one continuing theme for tonight:- 

EastEnders has surprised me this week, presenting us with four watchable episodes - some better than others, but all watchable - and basically for the same reasons:-

• The show presented us with characters with whom most of the long-term viewers were familiar and in whom they had an interest invested. Sorry, for some of you shippers, that these characters just happened to be Phil Mitchell and Sharon Watts Mitchell Rickman. Yes, I know many of you are too young to remember or choose to forget that Sharon was once a part of the Mitchell tribe and, in many ways, still is.
• There was a dearth of Brannings, and when they were, they were shown only when necessary and only those of whom the majority of viewers recognise as watchable and interesting and who happen to be played by good actors. Yes, I'm talking about Max and Carol.
• The teen element was minimal, except for today, but Jeff Povey used the most worthless parts of this most worthless demographic for a clever purpose.
• TPTB used only the characters who were necessary to the various plots this week most of the time.

But throughout the entire episode, suspicion reigned supreme; and where it didn't, we were envelopped in dramatic overshadowing.

And, you know what? Even though he didn't make an appearance, Phil Mitchell's aura pervaded the entire episode.

Lola's Suspicious, Jack's Suspicious, PruneFace Shirley's Suspicious.

Povey must be a good writer. I almost let myself feel sorry for Lola. At least, I realised tonight how very young she is and how she's totally uncertain of anything in this caper. Yes, I understand that in the real world, Lola wouldn't even have had her baby removed from her care, but she still doesn't understand that, throughout her pregnancy and before and since then, she has behaved inappropriately - several times, breaking the law - and still does not understand the repercussions thereof.

Remember Lola is the girl, who - when she found out she was pregnant - reckoned that her pregnancy was a ticket to a world of benefits, of playing the system. Since the baby's birth, one of her main objectives is to find a babydaddy. She wanted nothing to do with Ben, especially after discovering he had killed Heather. She does, however, want Jay, and I'll watch this situation develop with interest.

She's a very hard character to like or with whom to sympathise, and a lot of that is down to the fact that, although she tries, Danielle Harold is one of several who don't cut it on the programme, having been plucked from a reality television programme and given an acting job on what was ostensibly the BBC's flagship programme, without any previous training or acting experience.

Be that as it may, Lola's shocked to learn that Phil has told Social Services that he and Sharon have split as a couple, and she's distraught, not understanding Sharon's explanation that Phil's honesty was a good thing, and that he was still going to fight to bring Lexie home. Lola, you see, has lived all her life believing that honesty gets you nowhere. Even when Billy gained custody of her, he reinforced that notion, encouraging her to steal and lie. Once again, she wouldn't understand the repercussions of Social Services finding out that Phil and Sharon had committed a fraud, which would result in Lexie remaining in care. She'd just blame everything on Social Services.

Then, there's PruneFace hovering about like Miss Gulch from The Wizard of Oz. And we all know who Miss Gulch became, don't we ...

So we have Lola suspicious that Phil's backing out of the fight for Lexie, and we have Shirley suspicious that Phil's getting cosy with Sharon. Because more than anything tonight, this episode proved that not only is Shirley obsessed about Phil, she's patently jealous of Sharon.

This is the prime reason she's back and she's targeting Phil. Sharon was right: Shirley is so bitter and twisted, she doesn't want to see anyone happy, specifically Phil - and specifically Phil with Sharon. Moaning Lisa is spending a plethora of cybertime insisting that Phil is frightened of Shirley. He's not. Insisting that everything Phil is doing now is down the the fact that he's in the mother of all denials about his love for Shirley, the woman whom she's convinced herself is the love of his life. She isn't, and Phil doesn't give a monkey's about Shirley except that she gets on his nerves and that she's annoying him. This is why he was brutally honest with her earlier this week. This is why he keeps telling her to go, reminding her that she actually does have people who care about her - Carly and her new grandson. Phil, at this moment in time, has lost everything. His brother and sister live abroad, his mother is away, he doesn't know where his daughter is and his son is in prison. He doesn't know if he will gain foster care of Lexie. He can't know. That's uncertain, so his telling Shirley that he has nothing and that should be revenge enough for her, has reason behind it.

And the fact that he blames Jack for grassing him to the Social isn't proof that Phil "doesn't want to blame" Shirley because he loves her (even though he doesn't know it). Phil and Jack have history, from the very first time Jack set foot in the Square. And at the moment, Jack is providing ample competition for Phil in the quest for Sharon's real affections. He knows Jack is jealous of Sharon's history and continued association with Phil. He would be the first person Phil would blame.

Sharon, however, is a woman; and no one knows how bitchy any woman can be but another woman. Sharon knows Shirley's honed in on this situation primarily because she's jealous of the place Sharon occupies in Phil's heart, and - more than anything - she wants to destroy that. She's beyond shopping Phil to the police. If she did so now, she would, herself, be guilty for perverting the course of justice and she would be punished. She never intended to shop him to the police. As anyone will remember, she had to be shamed, eventually, by the policeman leading the enquiry, into shopping Ben. This has always and ever only been about Shirley and Phil ... and the fact that the only woman Phil has ever loved and respected is back in Walford and back in his life in a big way.

And don't be fooled by the fact that Phil "relinquished" his romance to Sharon in favour of Jack. He's got the tension and stress of a pretend engagement out of the way now, and he can pursue Sharon for real.

As for Jack, he's still suspicious - not only of Phil this time, but of Sharon; and she's beginning to show her true self to him as well. Gone is the cloying, moueing, pouting, bad impersonation of a femme fatale. Instead, he's seeing the real Sharon - the strong and willful woman who won't forsake a friend of twenty years or the cause for which he seems to be fighting. Sharon is her own person, and no one owns her or tells her what to do. Jack's remark about "my woman" hit home hard. More than anything, it told Sharon that she's a prize possession and another notch on Jack's bedpost. That he wants to get serious with her is all about the fact that she's the closest thing to a blonde Mitchell there is left at the moment (at least one who hasn't had his baby) and that, as old established Walford royalty, Sharon's presence gives some sort of credence to Jack's feeble, trailer trash and trumped-up Branning crew.

And back to Shirley, what does she hope to prove to Lola? Lola is right. Shirley seems to know all the answers, but she hasn't presented her with any alternative to Phil's suggestion, his solicitor and his money in getting Lexie back for her. Lola lives in a basement flat. She's training as a beautician, but she does have a criminal record, and so does her grandfather, who is also unemployed. She has anger issues and an attitude. With Shirley in her corner, she stands about as much chance as a snowball in hell. This is the woman who, remember, abandoned her own children, who would abandon her so-called best friend whenever a man offered a better alternative. Shirley's guidance for this child would be worse than Cora's. The child would grow up with no respect for authority, bullying, hectoring and breaking petty laws right, left and centre - and never taking responsibility for her actions, just fighting ugly, backed by miserable and bitter Shirley.

Someone once said of Cora on Digital Spy that they wouldn't want her around his/her daughters if she were their grandmother. I'm surprised Carly wants Shirley to have any sort of influence in Jimmy's life.

Shirley thinks she knows Phil Mitchell. She knows the Phil Mitchell post-Grant, post-Stella and post-Peggy. Surprisingly, she honed in on Phil when he was at his most vulnerable point - drinking again and blaming himself for Stella's abuse of Ben. Shirley's a manipulator, and under her tutelage, Phil went on a rampage - handling stolen goods, acting as a fence, robbing off his own relatives and acting, in general, like a prick - all the time encouraged by Shirley. 

Sharon walks back into his life, and what does Phil do? Come clean about a scam to Social Services. Is Phil planning on keeping Lexie? Maybe. He probably is, because she is his granddaughter, and the concept of family runs deep with Phil. But if Phil is relentlessly manipulating Lola, then Shirley is doing the same, and for worse reasons.

Alfie Is Suspicious of Kat and Michael and Jack Are Just Suspicious Dicks.

So, we know from that little soupcon at the beginning that Alfie suspects Max, Michael and,subsequently, Jack. We also know that he found both the torn up pawnshop slip and the engagement ring, itself. Now we go into overdrive - and about time. This has been, arguably, the worst and most prolonged awful storyline since the Ferreira Kidneygate, and that was, mercifully, short.

I couldn't believe that that skank Kat is still whingeing that Alfie doesn't pay enough attention to her. Is that going to be her new reason for cheating? 

It was nice to hear Jack's and Michael's misogyny come out today too. Jack's pissed that Sharon is pissed with him, because he spoke to her face about her as if she were his chattel. Jack has known Sharon for three months and she's "his woman?" Well, Jack didn't seem worried about sleeping with his brother's wife for a year. I wonder how he would take knowing that Sharon slept with her husband's brother (Phil) for a good while too? Jack's so suspicious, he'd best start worrying about Max's charms on that score, because Max might not be as physically attractive, but he's got more charm and sensitivity than that plank of wood.

Still, it's nice to know that he trusts a glass of whiskey more than he trusts women. Maybe he could bed Cora, or maybe he could find solace with Shirley when Sharon dumps his ass and Phil makes it known to Shirley that she is t-o-a-s-t. After all, Shirley's blonde and was almost
a Mitchell.

As for Michael, Alfie was obviously suspicious that he suddenly seemed to be going in the direction of Charlie's house and could conveniently drive Kat and Tommy over there. Why wouldn't he be? Michael would be a prime candidate for Shaggerman - the way he drove his wife away when she was at her most vulnerable state, after having a premature baby, after spending the bulk of her time by the side of a sick child whilst suffering from PPD.

His remarks tonight about Roxy and using her just to care for his kid because, basically, that's all women were good for. This may have been a joke, it may not have been. We know Michael is skewed, and by the time the divine Janine was driven away, his skewiness was becoming a bore.

I genuinely felt for Alfie in his justifiable suspicions tonight, and I cannot wait for him to kick this bitch into touch.

Alas ... it will all be kabuki theatre - the bonding with Roxy, the romance ... by September, something will happen and he'll be buzzing around Kat again. People are forgetting that Christmas Day 2013 is their tenth wedding anniversary, a perfect time either to re-marry or to renew their vows, if they haven't got around to signing those divorce papers. (Alfie has form on that one).

Bianca Is Still Poor and Suspicious That Carol Is Trying to Take Over.

Yes, Bianca is still poor. Cue the music ...

She makes change in tips, and the kids are wanting a Christmas tree. I don't understand. Real trees are a tenner. OK, it would be a small one, but sometimes these are nice. Besides, didn't Pat have a big, garish, frosted Christmas tree she put up in the front room every Christmas? Surely, that should still be around and serviceable. And, Liam was actually right. All well and good for Derek to buy expensive ornaments, but why not buy the tree if he wanted his favourite sister's kids to have a decent Christmas?

But, again, Bianca is too proud to allow him to do that. She accuses Carol of trying to take over. Carol has spent the best part of the past year taking care of those children because of Bianca's stupidity, and if Carol weren't on hand to nurture them now, goodness knows what the situation would be. The only reason they have a roof over their heads is down to Janine, and Bianca gets snidey about Janine having left. She wouldn't be so snidey if Janine had sold the house over their heads to a rental agent.

Once again, TPTB are showing us a side of Derek which could have been a real winner and emphasizes the total redundancy of MahAliceMahAngel and the Turdhopping Tadpole. Derek is best when interacting with Max or with Carol and her family; but we know Derek's leaving, and there goes Carol, cap in hand, to beg scraps from Max for the kids' Christmas. And Tanya told a blatant lie about the Brannings not having faux tinsel Christmas trees. Here's proof, but you have to look closely around the one-minute mark. It's that infamous Christmas 2007 episode which was all about the Stax reveal. If you look closely, you can see that the Brannings had one of those garish, awful and gaudy white tinsel Christmas trees.

Tanya really didn't want to help her dowdy sister-in-law and her embarrassing family, did she?

Anyway, the cardboard tree wasn't half bad, and at least we got a mention of Pat.

Max Is Just Suspicious.

Everything about the Branning interlude tonight was laced, laced and laced again with dramatic overshadowing.

"This is going to be the best Christmas ever." (How many times do we have to hear that line? First Alfie, tonight Max. Look, Alfie is going to have a shit Christmas because he's going to find out his wife is a cheating skank. Max is going to have a shit Christmas because his brother is going to die for his sins and some woozy, little secret is going to send Tanya reaching for the bottle.)

"I've got the best family in the world." (Which means they're about to be blown apart. Again.)

Max's best bit was when he was in the kitchen with his deficiente of a nephew, when he was talking about how it felt to lose a child (good reference to Bradley, whose memory hardly gets a look-in these days) and how it felt when he thought he may have lost Lauren as well. (No such luck, Max. She's like a bad penny, that one.) Just a shame we couldn't understand Joey's "arrrgh-aaaarggh-arrghhhh" sounds emitting from his ever-hanging-open gob in response to what Max was saying.)

Maas, Ah jawaseelarrggh.

Please. It gets worse.

Tanya even gets a line of foreshadowing. "This is why I love this man." Famous last words, that one. She'll be hating him on Boxing Day, for whatever reason. I'm still betting it's another wife and/or a child.

Still, Abi was good tonight. It's always good to see Lorna Fitzgerald with Jake Wood. They are still so natural together, you can almost believe them father and daughter.

Ian Is Suspicious of Denise and Kim Should Be Also.

Previously, I would have said this is yet another short storyline as a filler in which they're using Denise, but it's not. It's the lead-in to the story which will ultimately see her betray her sister by having a thing with Ray. I'll admit, back in the summer, there was a brief scene between those two, which bristled with sexual chemistry, and I began to wonder if they'd paired Ray with the wrong sister.

Ray is essentially a nice guy, who's intelligent and with his feet planted firmly on the ground. How on earth he could stomach a fly-by-night like Kim is beyond me. She is the shallow Tanya to his Max. She hates kids, and he's aware of that. Tonight, she was sitting in the cafe literally begging him to give her an engagement ring for Christmas.

He wasn't, and made no excuses for not doing so. He's taken a leaf from Phil Mitchell's book of honesty. Then Denise comes in with a request and he accedes.

The fruit war between Denise and Ian is going to lead to Denise's dalliance with Ray, and when Kim finds out, the shit will hit the fan. Let me be perfectly clear: I don't think Denise will pursue Ray willingly. This will be an attraction that just happens. The downside of the thing is that it just might lead to Ray leaving Walford. Watch this space.

I'm Suspicious that Jeff Povey Inserted Those Teen Scenes Tonight for a Purpose.

And that subtle juxtaposition was to show us all and remind us how absolutely shite the picture perfect but perfectly talentless tonight's resident teen assembly were.

Alice is still moping around. Once again, she hasn't been to work. Does she really have a job? And her mother can't "do" Christmas because she's going to Auntie Helen's - well, aren't Joey and Alice included as part of that deal. Woe is me, guess what? They'll have to spend Christmas with Derek.

More dramatic foreshadowing: "This is the first Christmas I've ever spent with Dad." (And it will be the last).

Just as bad as Shaggerman is the Forbidden-Lust-Kissing-Cousins shit. This is a storyline that was rushed upon the viewing public, aimed primarily at either the low-information-low-intelligence teen element, hyping up Mr Steroidically Fit Witts and the latest hot wannabe soap babe, and the EastEnders shippers like Digital Spy's dan2008 and the semi-literate xTonix, who'd find the BBC test signal enhancing if it came under the aegis of EastEnders.

It's tripe. It's underdeveloped, it's cringeworthy and it involves two characters who aren't only closely related - and at a time when it's being revealed that the BBC harboured paedophiles within its walls for decades, encouraging closely related inbreeding isn't really the message the Corporation ought to be sending out. Joey and Lauren spent one week under the same roof, fucked once and they're in lurrrve.

The most embarrassing scenes in tonight's episode were the kitchen scene where Jacqueline Jossa stopped gurning long enough to attempt a look of desperate longing and tender love for Witts's character (and failed) and Hetti Bywater's pathetic attempt to act drunk at the R and R and afterward. Bywaters's Lucy, anyway, works best with Ian and her family, like Whitney. Put these girls into that unholy trinity of friendship that they share with GurnGirl and they stink the place up.

Memo to Lorraine Newman: Please, please, please stop writing drunken scenes for either Jossa or Bywater. They are butt-clinchingly embarrassing and a blight on the show. They're neither talented enough nor trained enough to enact this sort of scene - indeed, it's debatable whether either of them has ever been drunk in her short life. Oh, and do say something to Hetti Bywater about her weight. Her legs are like sticks and that is not healthy.

Witts was just embarrassing and unintelligible all around. Most of the time tonight, we had to contend with this ...

 His best scene was when he busted Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer's nose and short-circuited all the Branning's Christmas lights. And that was foreshadowing too - maybe it meant that the lights were going out on Branningdom.

The show started with the Lexie custody storyline, featuring the brilliant Letitia Dean and the ever-watchable Linda Henry. It ended with three unlikeable, entitled teens, played by two actors of no training and little talent and one who believes her own hype and is constantly aware that she's playing a role for her adoring public.

Anyone not seeing the contrast between what EastEnders could be again and what it's endanger of becoming is either willfully bllind of just stupid.