The EE Spoilers: Luddites, PLEASE, Think ...

I'm having fits of laughter at some of the assumptions being made on two well-known Eastenders' fora about Mystic Mo's Cryptic Spoilers for 2013 posted on the BBC's EastEnders' website.

I'm not saying I'm right, and I'll probably be wrong about many of them, but here are my interpretations and how I reached them. Let's see how many are correct:-

Mother knows best, except for this one; a wayward mother with a wayward son.

Dexter and Ava. We know the latest addition to the teen population is a right little cock with attitude. Also, we know very little about Ava. She seemed nice, but then, so did Stella, May, Lucas and Yusef. Maybe she's not as nice or upright as she seems. Watch this space. As much as others might want it, this is not Bianca and Liam.

There'll be tears before bedtime, as another gets hurt. This longstanding couple switch on the waterworks.

Zainab and Mas. Without a doubt. TPTB have indicated that their parting will be very emotional.

Baby makes three, but which three does that mean? They'll have a fight on their hands to keep on the scene.

This is intriguing, because the possibilities are various. I don't think the Sharon-Jack association is viable, believeable or lasting. She loves Phil. At some point in Shack's engagement, Sharon will sleep with Phil. Then she'll discover she's pregnant. Another "who's-the-daddy", I know, but it will be a Mitchell baby, ultimately ...

or ...

Alfie is involved with Roxy and Kat finds out she's pregnant. Not with Delboy's sprog, but by Alfie. This will, of course, conflict Alfie.

or ...

Roxy gets pregnant, just as Alfie is getting closer to Kat. This will also conflict Alfie.

or ...

It will be discovered that Tommy is really Alfie's son. This will also conflict Alfie.

or ...

Michael begins to get close to someone on the Square and he and she bond as a unit with Scarlett, and Janine returns.

Limitless possibilities. One thing it won't be is Lauren getting pregnant by the Toadboy to produce a mouth-breathing gurner of a child. If this happens, Lorraine Newman should be taken out and publically slapped.

They say only fools and horses work for their keep. Well which one is this, selling tat on the street?

Cora the Bora. Forget Tyler, forget Bianca begging on the street. This is the old drunken lag. Dot returns with a vengeance and kicks her out of her house. She loses her job in the launderette and is reduced to selling tat on Tyler's stall to pay for her keep, probably at the charity abode known as  the Jackson-Butcher's.

Like weary boxers, they go head to head. He's pushed him too far and left him for dead.

Ray and Patrick. We know something major is going to happen to Patrick. We know that Ray will split with Kim, be attracted to Denise, and that he's got a major secret from his military past. I think something sparks between him and Patrick, possibly about Denise or Kim,he pushes Patrick too far and leaves him for dead. This could be Chucky Venn's leaving line, because I don't anticipate him staying around - more's the pity, because I like Ray.

Home is where the heart is, or so they say. But what if that heart gets taken away?

Again, a myriad of possibilities - Tanya leaving the girls and Max is one possibility. Phil losing Lexie is another. But I'm going with the kabuki dance that is Roxy-Alfie-Kat. I keep remembering Michael Moon's line to Alfie, first about Kat being in Alfie's heart, and if he rejected her, he'd have a big hole there; also, Michael's remark about Alfie and Kat being the heart of the Vic. My guess here is that Alfie begins to realise that as much as he likes Roxy, she's not Kat. As Ms Newman intended. Roxy becomes Vanessa 2013.

A storm is coming, a blast from the past. Things are different now, but how long will it last?

Grant. Yes, that's right. Grant Mitchell. People are guessing Peter Beale and Anthony Truman, and - I'm sorry - but those guesses are risible. Even David Wicks is risible. Think about it - who could come in like a storm and cause a blast? Grant. Why? Maybe for Phil and Sharon's wedding. Maybe there's still a frisson of attraction for Sharon? Maybe a Sharongate in reverse? Just remember this:- Grant Mitchell is one of three people alive who knows about the part Phil played in Dennis Rickman's death.

The wedding bells ring, it's someone's big day - but will they go through with it, or just run away?

Sharon dumps Jack at the altar for Phil. The girl's got form.

The girls get their claws out; who will back down? How far will they go to run the others from town?

Tanya fights with Kirstie over Max. Tanya loses. Tanya leaves.

Opposites attract, I think you'll agree. Especially when these two are on your TV.

Denise and Ian. Easy peasy.

And then there's new faces and fun to be had. They seem like a nice lot, but what about dad?

Try this on for size: Lorraine Newman hinted that Sharon's extended family would be involved this time around. Now, shut up about the abysmal Vicki and Mark WhateverhissurnameisitsnotFowler. Sharon has three biological brothers and a sister. Carol Hanley is their mother. The boys would all be in their mid-to-late twenties now. The girl would be about twenty. "Dad" could be Carol's husband, who is not Sharon's biological father and wasn't that nice to her previously. 

I'm not saying any of these are right, but it will be interesting to see how many are.