This is what it's all about tonight, peeps ...
If you wanna live lke common people, if you wanna do whatever common people do ... well, you came to the right place tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Albert Square was awash with them. This was yet another filler episode - really, have there been much of anything else this year? The main focal point was actually a lead-in to the storyline to carry the rest of the summer - the love affair between two ten year-olds. The question is: Will EastEnders actually come close to doing kiddie porn?
(Cue music from Romeo and Juliet - after all, Juliet was only fourteen, just like Carol once upon a time) ...
Yep, peeps, whilst Coronation Street deals with racism and Hayley really getting seriously terminal cancer (and not just a cancer cold), EastEnders does .... er ... let's see ... When Bobby Met Tiffany? Bobby-o and Tiffany-ette?
I kid you not.
Let's get the shit out of the way first.
Back in the Gutter Again.
The Branning satellites abounded tonight, and they provided ample proof positive - Dot aside - that the Brannings and all those who helped in their creation, were shat from the same pile of white trash.
Even Abi.
Why?
Well, Abi made it abundantly clear to Max,when she still thought he would be living with Kirstie, that Cora had to stay in Jack's house (although Max would probably pay the rent), because seventeen year-old Abi is incapable of looking after herself.
And tonight proved, yet again, that Cora was utterly incapable of looking after her granddaughter. Or anyone for that matter. Who can forget the last time Tanya selfishly took a Max-Break, with Oscar, back in March? She left Cora in the house with the two girls and left money for Cora's housekeeping - funds to buy food etc.
Within a week, Cora had drunk and smoked up the money, just like she used the lodgers' money for booze and fags rather than for paying Dot's rent.
Goes without saying, after tonight's performance added to this charming little vignette from 2011 proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Cora shouldn't be allowed to influence young girls.
It also shows how the Cross women, in particular, poison and degenerate anyone who comes in contact with them. Tanya prostituting herself with Sean, then drinking to mask her own problem with Jane; Rainie getting Phil Mitchell hooked on crack cocaine ... Cora's specialty is Patrick.
Patrick, with Cora, is just simply bloody despicable. He's worse than despicable, he's disgusting, but I suppose that doesn't count, because he's disgusting away from Kim's business. Abi returns to find rotting food in the fridge and Cora and Patrick pulling an afternoon drunk and a poker game which has lasted all weekend, along with two nameless other lushes. Cora's dishonesty knows no bounds. She's quite happy to skive off an afternoon shift at the launderette, leaving punters to fend for themselves and yobs to fend for themselves in vandalising the machines. Still, it's not Cora's fault. It never is. She even raided her granddaughter's purse to keep her in drink, which is shameful.
That Patrick would presume such entitlement is beyond belief.
And then there's Abi, who took advantage of Dot's good graces to snooker her, not only into buying bleach to clean the house (after slyly sussing Dot's disapproval of Cora and deciding to use this disapproval to her advantage), but into actually cleaning the house, itself, which was pretty naughty, to say the least.
I'm not the greatest fan of Dot, but I'm even less a fan of the awful Cora, and I'm glad that Dot was quick to reiterate that, whilst the house Dot was presuming to clean (in more ways than one) wasn't her house, it also wasn't Cora's. In fact, I'd have gone one step further.
What Dot should have said:
It ain't your house either, Cora Cross, and you're right. It ain't mine either. But I would have you know that it does belong to my stepson, so let's just call Jack right now and see what 'e 'as ter say about this here situation.
The contrived ending to what was clearly meant to be a comedic excerpt left one wondering. Was the gist of all this the devolution of Cora and Dot standing off, armed with a spatula and some cleaning spray, only to be put in their places by Abi the Dough-Faced Girl?
The Newman Negroes - Part IV: Aunt Esther Shags Benson.
They're back!
Just when you thought it was safe to watch EastEnders again, we're force to endure ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. IN. EASTENDERS.
More of the same old same old shit. Seriously ... shit. Innit?
Sam and Ava the Rava sneaking around, copping off for some bad afternoon delight and trying to keep it a secret from Dex-TAAAAAA, innit?
The Magic Negro seems to have shoved her pineapple to the back of her head, for whatever reason. Maybe she thinks it makes her look more demure and less like a cross between Aunt Esther and Mr Worff ...
But it's certainly not improvement enough to distract from her abysmal acting. Innit? They're consenting adults, they fuck around and they're afraid of a punk, whom no one can understand at the best of times, much less when he goes off on a helium-inflated rant ... innit?
Like this ...
Innit?
Sam wants to move in, and we've got a bit of subtle foreshadowing regarding Sam the Sham, who really is a Sam the Sham during his darts game with the Little Cock this evening. Innit?
You'll recall (if you're not xTonix and can't remember what you did with your finger two seconds ago), that it was Sam who suggested moving into the flat with The Magic Negro and Cock. Now in the pub, it's Sam who tells Dex-TAAAA that the Magic Negro wants him to move in, but not without Dex-TAAAAA's approval - all the while a song is playing in the background with the words ...
I'm two people, there are two sides to me.
Well, I guess that makes Sam the Sham a bit of an evil bastard ... innit?
And tonight, Cornell S John wasn't Robert Guillaume ...
Really, who gives a shit about these boring, uninteresting, awfully acted and abysmally scripted characters?
Innit.
Wherein Carl Morphs Into Steve Owen.
Who remembers Steve Owen's mother from hell, played by Sheila Hancock?
Well, tonight we found out just that little bit more about Carl and his frightful Mummy Dearest. Yes, Carl has mummy issues. It seems Mummy's a right nasty piece of work, who keeps her nails sharpened to a point where she can sink them deeply into human flesh - like Carl's.
It also seems that Mummy Dearest thinks Carl is as worthless as Carl's daddy, who was (in her words) the most pathetic man alive. It also seems that Mummy Dearest thinks that a good woman will redeem a man, which is why she wants him to stick with Kirsty, who is so snookered by Ma White's perceived sweetness that she didn't have the heart to tell her they were splitsville.
It looks as though Carl's had a pretty shitty upbringing, which probably led to his drug abuse and life of crime - or so a social worker would say, but hey ... we know EastEnders' opinions of that breed.
And tonight we find out that Carl has a brother ... and Kirsty invited Ma White to visit Walford.
Watch this space. Future character alert ... you heard it here first.
Mind you, I wouldn't mind seeing Ma White rip Cora's beehive to shreds.
Two Moons for the Misbegotten.
Just like everyone notices that Alfie keeps looking longingly at Kat, everyone notices that Michael seems jealous that Janine is attracting male attention. Ah, but Michael's not worried, because Danny Pennant is gay.
Or is he?
So when Michael places himself within the remit of Danny flirting with Janine, when he seeks to exercise control over her as his property ...
Janine: Ex-husband.
Michael: That's yet to be decided.
When he begins what he hopes will be a mind-game that will dissuade Danny - or Daniel, as he insists on calling him - from pursuing Janine at all or even working for her, Danny turns the tables on Michael and insinuates to him that Michael's actions might just look like a come-on for Danny, who's clearly bi-sexual - something that causes the walking cadaver to retreat post haste.
Michael's lost control of the situation - something he cannot abide.
Good.
Truth or Consequences.
This was,easily, the best part of tonight's episode - Ian Beale finding out exactly who trashed his restaurant. In a way, however, it was disappointing. Jean couldn't keep up shouldering the blame for herself, although why she had to is anyone's guess.Were I Ian, I would have called the police any number of times during that debacle.
Ian was right to shame Jean. He gave her a responsible job when no one else would, paid for her training on a special course and showed friendly to her, and she repaid him by believing silly horoscopes and misinterpreting praise for sexual harassment. I'll give you that Jean was wantonly caught up in the antics of Bianca and Shirley, who should have known better and who really had no reason to do what they did.
And the fact that both of them are going to walk away from this unscathed galls me. Before monalisa the loon starts taking to Twitter to threaten the world with Phil's perceived love for Shirley, the only reason he wanted Shirley's name left out of Ian's vengeance is because Shirley and the police, in Phil's mind, are not a good mix, considering what she knows about his role in concealing Ben's identity as Heather's killer all those months.
Love doesn't even come into it. Survival does.
I liked the scene upstairs in the Vic and preferred Denise's reaction that justice should be meted by the police authority as opposed to Kat's - Jean is a good person and doesn't deserve this; but Jean willingly drank stolen booze and left giggling with Bianca and Shirley.
Bianca's cowardice is pure unadulterated shite. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: If Bianca is so worried about going back to prison, then whilst she's on licence, she should be mega careful about not breaking the law. Instead, she's drawn to criminality like a moth to the flame. She knew very well what she was doing the night she broke into, stole booze and vandalised her uncle's business. It wasn't out of vengeance for Whitney; it was out of sheer jealousy that Ian was a hard worker who'd done well, and she is just a self-entitled retarded bitch.
I was glad it was Ian who reminded Bianca of the fact that Jean and Shirley were strangers, who didn't matter to him; but Bianca was family, and Ian Beale has done damned site more for her and her brood than the Brannings did. I seem to recall the sum total of their charity was a few spuds and a box of wine.
Bianca's concern isn't about her kids, who fared fine with Nana Carol; it's about her. All about her. Her one bitter remark about being inside and the kids spending Christmas with "Nana Carol" voiced it all.
I would love for Ian to call the police, but alas - he won't. And we know this is all leading to a silly summer-filler love story about two ten year-olds who are cousins, for fuck's sake.
Give me strength.
If you wanna live lke common people, if you wanna do whatever common people do ... well, you came to the right place tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Albert Square was awash with them. This was yet another filler episode - really, have there been much of anything else this year? The main focal point was actually a lead-in to the storyline to carry the rest of the summer - the love affair between two ten year-olds. The question is: Will EastEnders actually come close to doing kiddie porn?
(Cue music from Romeo and Juliet - after all, Juliet was only fourteen, just like Carol once upon a time) ...
Yep, peeps, whilst Coronation Street deals with racism and Hayley really getting seriously terminal cancer (and not just a cancer cold), EastEnders does .... er ... let's see ... When Bobby Met Tiffany? Bobby-o and Tiffany-ette?
I kid you not.
Let's get the shit out of the way first.
Back in the Gutter Again.
Even Abi.
Why?
Well, Abi made it abundantly clear to Max,when she still thought he would be living with Kirstie, that Cora had to stay in Jack's house (although Max would probably pay the rent), because seventeen year-old Abi is incapable of looking after herself.
And tonight proved, yet again, that Cora was utterly incapable of looking after her granddaughter. Or anyone for that matter. Who can forget the last time Tanya selfishly took a Max-Break, with Oscar, back in March? She left Cora in the house with the two girls and left money for Cora's housekeeping - funds to buy food etc.
Within a week, Cora had drunk and smoked up the money, just like she used the lodgers' money for booze and fags rather than for paying Dot's rent.
Goes without saying, after tonight's performance added to this charming little vignette from 2011 proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Cora shouldn't be allowed to influence young girls.
It also shows how the Cross women, in particular, poison and degenerate anyone who comes in contact with them. Tanya prostituting herself with Sean, then drinking to mask her own problem with Jane; Rainie getting Phil Mitchell hooked on crack cocaine ... Cora's specialty is Patrick.
Patrick, with Cora, is just simply bloody despicable. He's worse than despicable, he's disgusting, but I suppose that doesn't count, because he's disgusting away from Kim's business. Abi returns to find rotting food in the fridge and Cora and Patrick pulling an afternoon drunk and a poker game which has lasted all weekend, along with two nameless other lushes. Cora's dishonesty knows no bounds. She's quite happy to skive off an afternoon shift at the launderette, leaving punters to fend for themselves and yobs to fend for themselves in vandalising the machines. Still, it's not Cora's fault. It never is. She even raided her granddaughter's purse to keep her in drink, which is shameful.
That Patrick would presume such entitlement is beyond belief.
And then there's Abi, who took advantage of Dot's good graces to snooker her, not only into buying bleach to clean the house (after slyly sussing Dot's disapproval of Cora and deciding to use this disapproval to her advantage), but into actually cleaning the house, itself, which was pretty naughty, to say the least.
I'm not the greatest fan of Dot, but I'm even less a fan of the awful Cora, and I'm glad that Dot was quick to reiterate that, whilst the house Dot was presuming to clean (in more ways than one) wasn't her house, it also wasn't Cora's. In fact, I'd have gone one step further.
What Dot should have said:
It ain't your house either, Cora Cross, and you're right. It ain't mine either. But I would have you know that it does belong to my stepson, so let's just call Jack right now and see what 'e 'as ter say about this here situation.
The contrived ending to what was clearly meant to be a comedic excerpt left one wondering. Was the gist of all this the devolution of Cora and Dot standing off, armed with a spatula and some cleaning spray, only to be put in their places by Abi the Dough-Faced Girl?
The Newman Negroes - Part IV: Aunt Esther Shags Benson.
They're back!
Just when you thought it was safe to watch EastEnders again, we're force to endure ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. IN. EASTENDERS.
Sam and Ava the Rava sneaking around, copping off for some bad afternoon delight and trying to keep it a secret from Dex-TAAAAAA, innit?
The Magic Negro seems to have shoved her pineapple to the back of her head, for whatever reason. Maybe she thinks it makes her look more demure and less like a cross between Aunt Esther and Mr Worff ...
But it's certainly not improvement enough to distract from her abysmal acting. Innit? They're consenting adults, they fuck around and they're afraid of a punk, whom no one can understand at the best of times, much less when he goes off on a helium-inflated rant ... innit?
Like this ...
Innit?
Sam wants to move in, and we've got a bit of subtle foreshadowing regarding Sam the Sham, who really is a Sam the Sham during his darts game with the Little Cock this evening. Innit?
You'll recall (if you're not xTonix and can't remember what you did with your finger two seconds ago), that it was Sam who suggested moving into the flat with The Magic Negro and Cock. Now in the pub, it's Sam who tells Dex-TAAAA that the Magic Negro wants him to move in, but not without Dex-TAAAAA's approval - all the while a song is playing in the background with the words ...
I'm two people, there are two sides to me.
Well, I guess that makes Sam the Sham a bit of an evil bastard ... innit?
And tonight, Cornell S John wasn't Robert Guillaume ...
Really, who gives a shit about these boring, uninteresting, awfully acted and abysmally scripted characters?
Innit.
Wherein Carl Morphs Into Steve Owen.
Who remembers Steve Owen's mother from hell, played by Sheila Hancock?
Well, tonight we found out just that little bit more about Carl and his frightful Mummy Dearest. Yes, Carl has mummy issues. It seems Mummy's a right nasty piece of work, who keeps her nails sharpened to a point where she can sink them deeply into human flesh - like Carl's.
It also seems that Mummy Dearest thinks Carl is as worthless as Carl's daddy, who was (in her words) the most pathetic man alive. It also seems that Mummy Dearest thinks that a good woman will redeem a man, which is why she wants him to stick with Kirsty, who is so snookered by Ma White's perceived sweetness that she didn't have the heart to tell her they were splitsville.
It looks as though Carl's had a pretty shitty upbringing, which probably led to his drug abuse and life of crime - or so a social worker would say, but hey ... we know EastEnders' opinions of that breed.
And tonight we find out that Carl has a brother ... and Kirsty invited Ma White to visit Walford.
Watch this space. Future character alert ... you heard it here first.
Mind you, I wouldn't mind seeing Ma White rip Cora's beehive to shreds.
Two Moons for the Misbegotten.
Just like everyone notices that Alfie keeps looking longingly at Kat, everyone notices that Michael seems jealous that Janine is attracting male attention. Ah, but Michael's not worried, because Danny Pennant is gay.
Or is he?
So when Michael places himself within the remit of Danny flirting with Janine, when he seeks to exercise control over her as his property ...
Janine: Ex-husband.
Michael: That's yet to be decided.
When he begins what he hopes will be a mind-game that will dissuade Danny - or Daniel, as he insists on calling him - from pursuing Janine at all or even working for her, Danny turns the tables on Michael and insinuates to him that Michael's actions might just look like a come-on for Danny, who's clearly bi-sexual - something that causes the walking cadaver to retreat post haste.
Michael's lost control of the situation - something he cannot abide.
Good.
Truth or Consequences.
This was,easily, the best part of tonight's episode - Ian Beale finding out exactly who trashed his restaurant. In a way, however, it was disappointing. Jean couldn't keep up shouldering the blame for herself, although why she had to is anyone's guess.Were I Ian, I would have called the police any number of times during that debacle.
Ian was right to shame Jean. He gave her a responsible job when no one else would, paid for her training on a special course and showed friendly to her, and she repaid him by believing silly horoscopes and misinterpreting praise for sexual harassment. I'll give you that Jean was wantonly caught up in the antics of Bianca and Shirley, who should have known better and who really had no reason to do what they did.
And the fact that both of them are going to walk away from this unscathed galls me. Before monalisa the loon starts taking to Twitter to threaten the world with Phil's perceived love for Shirley, the only reason he wanted Shirley's name left out of Ian's vengeance is because Shirley and the police, in Phil's mind, are not a good mix, considering what she knows about his role in concealing Ben's identity as Heather's killer all those months.
Love doesn't even come into it. Survival does.
I liked the scene upstairs in the Vic and preferred Denise's reaction that justice should be meted by the police authority as opposed to Kat's - Jean is a good person and doesn't deserve this; but Jean willingly drank stolen booze and left giggling with Bianca and Shirley.
Bianca's cowardice is pure unadulterated shite. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: If Bianca is so worried about going back to prison, then whilst she's on licence, she should be mega careful about not breaking the law. Instead, she's drawn to criminality like a moth to the flame. She knew very well what she was doing the night she broke into, stole booze and vandalised her uncle's business. It wasn't out of vengeance for Whitney; it was out of sheer jealousy that Ian was a hard worker who'd done well, and she is just a self-entitled retarded bitch.
I was glad it was Ian who reminded Bianca of the fact that Jean and Shirley were strangers, who didn't matter to him; but Bianca was family, and Ian Beale has done damned site more for her and her brood than the Brannings did. I seem to recall the sum total of their charity was a few spuds and a box of wine.
Bianca's concern isn't about her kids, who fared fine with Nana Carol; it's about her. All about her. Her one bitter remark about being inside and the kids spending Christmas with "Nana Carol" voiced it all.
I would love for Ian to call the police, but alas - he won't. And we know this is all leading to a silly summer-filler love story about two ten year-olds who are cousins, for fuck's sake.
Give me strength.
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