The Show Where Nothing Happens - Review: 11.07.2013

Yes, there surely is something happening here, and what it is isn't exactly clear ... well, it's ... nothing.

Just another day in the life of the residents of Albert Square. You know, walking around aimlessly, having the same conversations about nothing. That's right, much ado about nothing, as Shakespeare would have said.

Yesterday, we learned that Peggy was coming back for a one-off "special" episode, to help Phil, who's in trouble. Again.

Today, we found out why she's coming back. To the tune of the BBC forking out more than a million quid to set up this year's designer car crash, this time, featuring Phil Mitchell and Carl White. Kirkwood liked annual fires. Newman likes car crashes. And she'll keep on crashing until she gets the right amount of viewers who stay tuned.

The show is in freefall, and most of the more intelligent viewers can identify the weaknesses - a preponderance of untalented, inexperienced young actors, shoved to the front and expected to carry the show. EastEnders is in danger of becoming the lovechild of HollyOaks and CBeebies.

Awful writing, bad continuity, shoddy research and retconning. These are the staple faults found in the writing room and production people. Once again, a plethora of inexperienced, young writers who neither understand the show nor its history, and who don't respect either. They write their stories and mould the characters to fit the plot, ne'mind the actions don't fit the character.

But the worst fault of all is that there isn't a single, dominating storyline. Things just poodle along. And poodling along is, well, it's boring. In fact the only remotely interesting thing going seems to be that the writers are in cahoots with one another to see how many times one scene can be re-written by as many writers. And that's only interesting to the people who are in on the joke at the viewers' expense.

Because these people know that there are just enough plant pots like dan2008 and village idiots like xTonix, who'll sit and watch EastEnders even if the programme consisted of 30 minutes of this:-

Just imagine the Digital Spy forum:-

Dan2008: I thought the programme was really good tonight. The colours worn by the little girl and her doll were really vivid, and the blackboard was very realistic. I wonder how long before she's dating Jay, instead of Abi. She has promise.

xTonix: The girl in red is really hot. LOL. So's her doll. LOL. I'd love to see the doll's bum. LOL. I'll bet it's hot. LOL. Would love to have that doll in my bed. LOL. I could watch that text signal again and again. LOL.

The show where nothing happens is also the show for blithering idiots.

That one million pounds going into the stunt men, the sensational road crash and the helicopter would have been better spent on getting some new writers, amongst other things.

Master Manipulators

Mr Pleasant.

That would be Michael, of course. Mr Pleasant is good, Mr Pleasant is fine, just like all the Michael fangirls titter and twitter on Digital Spy forum as the scrape their creamy knickers off the ceiling.

In between watching the programme and writing this review tonight, I watched a documentary on ITV about the most nefarious psychopath in recent history - Ian Brady. I would recommend this to the fangirls who swoon for Michael and hope he triumphs over "evil Janine." The similarities in manipulation, narcissism, and self-aggrandizement between Brady and Michael Moon is astounding. Even the pinch-mouthed, dead-eyed facial expression ...

If Steve John Shepherd is channelling Brady's eerie lack of visual empathy and cold-hearted manipulation, he's doing a brilliant job. In fact, there's another documentary on now about psychopaths, saying that psychopaths ofttimes blend in perfectly as ordinary people, and whilst Michael, at times, is anything but ordinary, he has a way of presenting himself as someone who's socially gauche and awkward enough to apologise and sustain friends, whom he uses remorselessly.

Even from the very beginning of tonight's episode, he's totally appropriated Jack's hospitality and moulded it to fit his own needs, irrespective of the fact that he was living on Jack's charity, in Jack's flat and using Jack's possessions. Even the possessions used reflect Michael's narcissim - hair and body care products, meant to make you look good and feel good.

The fact that he intends to snooker and manipulate Janine into letting him move back into the house speaks volumes. He was playing to the fact that he thinks, believes Janine is still interested in him and hopes to play on her vanity and ego. Instead, he's presented with Janine the businesswoman, having a business meeting with none other than Danny Pennant, an attractive, young, successful financier and property developer, who shows up for the appointment in a flash red Ferrari, no less.

The question is this: Is Michael jealous that Janine adjourns to a business meeting in the pub with someone like Danny or is Michael jealous of the fact that Danny has all the confident trappings of financial success that Michael craves. Remember Janine's remark, upon her return, about how Michael enjoyed spending her money on expensive items for himself?

The other question that's niggling many a viewer is Danny's sexuality. As Roxy so helpfully pointed out to Michael, Danny's last foray into Walford amounted to a foray into Syed, euphemistically meaning that Danny is gay.

But is he?

When Michael alluded this to Janine, after Janine noticed from the start that Michael seemed tense and uneasy about seeing her with another man, it was Janine's turn, in Michael's opinion, to seem tense and uneasy - but only for a moment, mind you.

Danny's response to Janine's curiosity about what she's heard is just as oblique. In fact, it's a non-answer. He could tell her everything about his past and about who he is, or he could trust her open-mindedness and allow her to find out and judge for herself. 

What does this mean?

Well, it means whatever you want. For gay viewers, desperate (and, yes, vaslav37, I'm pointing at you) for a gay character, it could mean that Danny wants his gay sexuality to be kept a secret in his playing of Janine.

For others, it might mean he is bi-sexual, which would be almost unique in EastEnders' history, apart from Tony Hills in the late 1990s. Personally, I think Danny is a moral reprobate. He as good as described himself tonight - he's someone who does whatever he needs to do to be successful and make money. He slept with Syed in order to get Syed to invest money in his scheme (which he lost). That doesn't make him gay, that makes him utterly amoral.

Gary Lucy's tenure is beginning on somewhat of a low-key note. That could be good, but again, considering this is Lorraine Newman's EastEnders, that could be countless numbers of scenes showing Danny Pennant sat across a table from Janine showing her plans of buildings he renovated in the past.

Michael, meanwhile, resorts to Contingency Plan B - manipulate Saint Alice of the Plastic Teeth. 

Everytime I look at those over-sized veneers, I cringe. Whoever gave Jasmyn Banks her "Hollywood Teeth" surely thought her a candidate for the re-casting of Sea Biscuit or even Mr Ed:-

Jesus, someone sold her a bill of sale.

Anyway, all it takes for Michael to be in like Flynn and living in the Slater Arms again is to sweet-talk Alice and apologise, probably for boning her and popping her cherry. Alice is so stupid, I think she thinks she's on a promise again. (Just wait until Janine finds out).

The line of the night, arguably, goes to Michael, who referred to Joey as "Monkey-Boy". Not only that, but tonight's writer, Rob Gittins, proves that he's all too aware of David Witts's enunciation problem. When Alice assures Michael she'll smooth the way for Michael to move back in by making Joey understand, Michael quips:-

Are you sure? English isn't even his second language.

As both the documentaries detail tonight, psychopaths are manipulators. They are control freaks. They have the ability to charm their way into people's lives. And they view people as objects, which is the way Michael views Janine, Alice, and above all, Scarlett. They are objects which allow him to achieve his goals. Janine makes him rich and comfortable. Alice does his will and spies for him. Scarlett makes him a sympathetic figure.

No More Mister Nice Guy.

Our Carl showed his true colours tonight, another manipulator and a thoroughly nasty piece of work.

Ian is shitting himself at the prospect of being blackmailed by Carl, and he's convinced Carl was behind the vandalising of the restaurant. (By the way, wasn't that quick, the way the restaurant was up and running that way, especially the look of dread on Ian's face when Sam the Sham handed him the Sam the Sham special - the bill for all the work he did getting the place up and running - although how he did that when he spends most of his time boning the Magic Negro, is beyond me). I guess the Magic Negro worked her magic and put a spring in his step.)

Anyway, Carl confirmed what everyone knew - that if he wanted to ruin Ian's business, he wouldn't have done anything so open and amateur. Then Carl, after lulling Ian into a false sense of security by seemingly backing off, shows exactly how he would have spooked Ian - by burning his hand, which I thought was a bit lame about tonight's episode.

First of all, Ian would have surely struggled - and, yes, even though Ian is soft and pillowy about the middle and Carl is probably built like a brick shithouse, you'd have thought there would have been more of a struggle. And why did he run all the way home through the Square just to run his hand under a tap, when he could have run it under the cold water in the kitchen where Carl's misdeed occurred? Carl wouldn't be hanging around. He'd have left Ian to his agony. Do I detect a plot contivance there?

And the fact the BBC and Lorraine Newman were so squeamish as to not at least have shown Ian screaming in pain shows just how cowardly and afraid of cutting edge, the show has become. Ah, but still, we have to remember the "love and warmth" element Lorraine wants to emit. 

Ian wasn't at his strongest tonight, and we had yet another repetitive scene of floppy-haired Peter following Ian around like a puppy, saying, "Dad, Dad ... what's wrong, Dad?"

And now for something completely different ... well, not really.

The Same Shit Different Day Segment

Cheer Up Creepy Jean.

I'm not the biggest Jean fan. In fact, she bugs the hell out of me. She's annoying, judgemental, stupid and downright mean, sometimes. I don't give a rat's arse about her bi-polar syndrome. Hitler had bi-polar sydrome - are we meant to feel sorry for him?

She was downright rude to Roxy tonight. OK, she's got the fact that she's committed criminal damage etched on her conscience, and she seems to be the only one of that silly triumvirate who's genuinely upset about causing damage to Ian's business. Yet, there she sits at the Moon breakfast table, speaking in riddles to Roxy about the letter she's received in the post.

Let me see ... she's not telling Roxy what's in the letter because if she did, she'd have told. Go figure that piece of profound new age psychology. She lives under Alfie's roof, knowing that Alfie and Roxy are a couple. She had every opportunity to go live with Kat, but she signalled her disapproval of Kat's abysmal behaviour by standing with Team Alfie. And, yes, I know Roxy was (maybe still is, who knows?) her daughter-in-law.

OK, so Saint Kat knows Jean's deep dark secret. Actually, since Kat pointed out that what Jean, Shirley and Bianca did was criminal damage, and since Ian is Alfie's best mate and Kat was supportive of that friendship, you'd think she would encourage Jean, who's family, to go to Ian and explain what happened, even land the blame on Bianca and Shirley as they were the ringleaders anyway, and to hell with what happened to them. After all, Alfie would surely try to make things up with Ian for Jean.

Instead, Saint Kat the counsellor, recommends Jean go up to her new allotment and begin digging, even though we're halfway through the summer and it's too late to start planting vegetables. This is therapeutic, and here's where EastEnders tries to emulate Corrie and fails.

Ollie.

Yep, the new ex-Bill man, who's set to become Jean's squeeze. This time, Ollie is not an inappropriate man, like Ian Beale (remember Jean's crush back in 2011?) or Eddie Moon or Norman or the undercover benefits man. This time, it looks as though Ollie will do the pursuing.

So why did Ollie remind me of this man?

This character, along with Betty Spragg, are being touted as temporary guest characters, but obviously, if the audience likes one or both, they'll make a return permanently. Since Jean was reprieved from axing by supercilious people who wanted to see more of her screeching and flailing about, I'm betting they'll want a Jean romance, which would be cringingly pukeworthy to say the least.

Wait until he tastes her Sausage Surprise.

The other thing that annoys me about bloody Jean is that originally she couldn't even cook a decent meal of beans on toast. Her sausage surprise was a joke. Now, she's not only a seamstress, she's an expert on flowers, a sous chef and a master gardener as well.

Pull the other one.

The Newman Negroes Part Trois.

Here she is ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVAH. IN. EASTENDERS.

Go. Go now. Just leave. You serve no purpose, you are an insult to the teaching profession and your acting style sucks.

Yet another day when Ava the Rava roams the streets of Walford, instead of going to school. Today's angst is all about having lunch in the Vic, in public, with Sam and Dex-TAAAAAA as a fairmly.

That's it. A public service announcement by the show's resident public service actress.

Tonight, Sam wasn't Denzel Washington.

And Dexter really does look like an alien, a cross between Mr Worff and Mr Spock -with Worff's permanently crinkled forehead and a limp version of Spock's ears. There's a touch of Gumby in there someplace also.

Surprise surprise ... Dexter's still acting like a spoiled kid who's been denied his pony and ice cream, and Ava the Rava and Sam the Sham, giggling and holding hands whilst languidly strolling around the Square, at the same time trying to keep a secret from Dexter, was simply mind-numbing in boredom and embarrassment.

He's a fucking adult. If he can't accept your relationship, let him leave and live your own life. I cringe that a fine young actor like Jamie Borthwick has been reduced to second fiddle in this piece of shit story about characters who contribute nothing to the show and serve no purpose.

As Kim said, aptly ... "What a waste."

SlapAbi and Puketrick.

So Patrick prefers his women low down and dirty, which is why he's still attracted to that drunken old lag who stinks up the Square. I'm surprised at Patrick and his judge of character. He's being presented as the paterfamilias of the Square, a gentleman. Yet, he's bored by a genuinely nice woman and hankers after that smelly old hypocritical trout.

Patrick is Jim's friend and is close to Dot. Does he know the awful scam Cora the Bora pulled on Dot? I wonder what he'd think of that.

As well, Cora brings out the utmost worst in Patrick. Remember the time Cora and Patrick were drunk and plied an underaged Abi with drink? Well, refresh your memories here. That's Patrick at his worst, and he wants to be associated with an old slut like that?

And don't forget, Cora made herself scarce when Patrick suffered his injury.

Then there's Abi the Dough-Faced Girl. Why she studies in the cafe is anyone's guess. Has she never heard of a library? It's quiet there, and people would leave her alone.

Tonight, not only was she rude to Kirsty, again, she was bloody rude to Ian Beale, and there was no cause for that, harrumping loudly to indicate her displeasure. Who the fuck does she think she is? Well, here's what she is - a badly brought up, lazy, entitled little bitch who deserves to have her fat face smacked again and again.

The worst part of the entire show tonight was the epiphany between Kim and Abi when they conspired to get Patrick and Cora back together. That girlish squeal wasn't the sound of girly goings on, it was the sound of what Abi and Kim really are - two sows making their presence known.

This little piggy went to market ...

Pass the Bucket.

No, I tell a lie. That wasn't the worst scene. The worst scene was Tiffany's fucking love-sickness.

For fuck's sake, the kid is ten years old, and Carol informs Bianca that this isn't a crush on a boy band or a local lad, even though the object of her affection is local. This is the real thing. Tiffany is in love.

You what?

Mind you, that's not surprising, coming from a woman who started sprogging out kids at fourteen. I suppose they'll start Tiffany on the pill next year, or maybe Bobby will beat his siblings to parenthood and become a dad at fourteen.

In love? My arse. I hope they paid Rob Gittins well for writing that tripe.

Two words ... piss and poor.

Final Observation: The late, great Anna Wing deserved better. She'd be appalled at the state of the show these days. 

And what is it about EastEnders that makes women fat. Whitney's arse is spreading across the screen and she has a double chin. And Kat's now got a bottle arse and an apron belly.