Ugly People - Review: 15.07.2013

The summer has finally arrived, and good weather is here, which gives the EastEnders' apologists good reason to to give a plethora of excuses why the show's viewing figures are hovering around the 5 million mark.

Truth is, last year's 7 million is this year's 5 million, meaning that the show is bleeding 2 million viewers a year, and they ain't coming back. The unnamed sources who provide quotes for the tabloid stories about the show are now admitting openly that the programme is in trouble. Other sources are actually admitting that EastEnders is now officially the third-placed soap in the trifecta of the three big ones - the other two being Corrie and Emmerdale.

This is Brookside country, peeps, and we all know what happened to Brookside. When Brookie ceased to become a show peopled with everyday characters and came to rely on hunky fellas and tits and arse, the ratings went South and didn't improve.

I smell the stench of Brookside looming.

Let's look at the summer agenda for EastEnders and compare it with ... oh, with Corrie. Corrie's running a storyline on racism. Admittedly, it's a leaving line for a fairly new (and unpopular character), but it's tackling a subject about which EastEnders has long buried its head in the sand.

EastEnders is doing a love story about two ten year-olds, who just happen to be cousins. (Where have we heard that one before?)

Corrie's been boiling a story since Christmas about the wife of one brother having a one-night stand and possibly getting pregnant by another brother. The husband has found out about this, but the wife and the guilty brother don't know. So now he's making hell behind the scenes for his mum (who knew), his wife and the brother in question. A stupendous car crash is up-coming, featuring the pair of them.

Sometime down the line, there'll be a million-pound car crash featuring Phil Mitchell, of course, prompting the return (for one episode) of Peggy Mitchell. (OK, wasn't there something similar last year?)

Going forward into the autumn, we have the return of Ronnie Mitchell, who'll probably rival Kat for being the Guardian Angel for various people resident in the Square. Corrie's doing Tina's descent into alcoholism after giving up baby Jake to Izzy and Gary. There's the return of Todd Grimshaw, who's set to throw a spanner in the works that is currently Maria and Marcus.

OK, we've got the departure of Jack, and the "vanishing" of Michael Moon, probably at Christmas around the time Alfie and Kat get married. Again. Corrie's offering up the probably death of Hayley from pancreatic cancer, as well as the disappearance of Craig Tinker, which will ultimately lead to Karl being unmasked as Sunita's killer.

Spot the winner.

Instead, EastEnders offers up a diet of totally unpleasant, physically attractive but morally ugly characters, about whom a lot of viewers don't give a rat's arse. That's one of the prime problems with this show at the moment, besides losing its brand - there are virtually no characters in whom we can emotionally invest. Iconic characters have been trashed, hashed and thrown to the curb. Characters who deserve to be put front and centre, are treated like occasional B-listers.

I seriously question my future as a viewer, when - at the moment - the only long-term character about whom I give a damn is Ian Beale, and the only reasonably new character holding my interest is a bully, a drug dealer and an ex-con.

Here we go ...

Children Should Be SEEN and NOT HEARD

Tonight we had a gaggle of know-it-all brats dictating terms, handing out unsolicited advice and harping on and on aboout parental inadequacies.

Bag O'Bones Beale. Lucy's got a bloody nerve, accusing Ian of stealing from her, when she scammed him into signing over his businesses and the house to her. I seem to recall the only way she would allow him to live in his house was by forcing him to sign over all his business interests, and the house, to her. I seem to recall, as well, that Ian was still pretty emotionally and psychologically vulnerable at the time, so he really was in no fit state to make a judgement such as this.

When Ian took the money from Lucy's account, he actually took what was his. Originally.

Ian also fed and clothed Lucy from birth. He tolerated her abysmal behaviour throughout her teenaged years, backed her lie to protect scurvy Steven from being prosecuted after he shot Jane, and then backed her lie again, when she decided to abort her baby, which she had promised Jane. Essentially, Ian chose his ungrateful daughter over his wife.

Lucy trashed his house and showed Ian scant respect. When Ian had good reason to smack her gob, Lucy smacked him back.

The only reason Lucy wants Ian to sell Scarlett's has nothing to do with Carl White or the money Ian unwittingly took, thinking it was Derek's. It's got everything to do with her jealousy that he might become successful again at what he does best, and when that  happens, she fears that he just might be savvy enough to take back what is rightfully his.

Like I said, the only person about whom I give a flying fuck at the moment is Ian Beale. I'm actually liking what he did to Lucy. She totally deserved this scam. It's karma.

If it wasn't enough for Lucy to be dictating terms to Ian tonight, the Incredible (Unintelligible) Sulk, Patron Saint of Mouth-Breathers Anonymous, Joey Branning, tried to muscle in on the Ian-hatred also, actually attempting to equate Ian's treatment of Lucy with Derek's treatment of him.

I punched the air when Ian stood up to that poor man's Chewbacca. He was right. Joey knows absolutely nothing about Ian or what he went through with his children, and I'm glad he brought Joey's play-time with Lucy, Whitney and Lauren as something more than he thought it was, like accidentally on purpose informing Joey that he was always and forever the prime topic of Lucy's conversation.

What a great piece of karma for Lucy to be less-than-subtly dumped by Joey in her very own cafe, and how pathetic was her reaction! Badly written and badly performed and an insult to women in the 21st Century. Lucy's supposed to be the dynamic businesswoman, a chip off Ian's old block, but she's nothing more than the usual clinging, desperate, doe-eyed girl who can't get by unless she's got the ubiquitous boyfriend.

She's the second girl to go ga-ga over a gormless mouth-breather. Joey either has a packed lunchbox or else these girls are patently stupid. I think it's the latter.

Highlight of this storyline was Ian's quirky little smile as he left Peter to look after Lucy whilst he toddled off to his solicitor's, as well as his assertion to Peter that he was finally "putting things right."

U-G-L-Y
And you ain't got no alibi ...
You're ugly ... Lucy Beale.

Abi the Dough-Faced Girl. Yes, we know Kirsty is desperate. Yes, we know she's a liar, in one respect. Yes, we know she still loves Max. And, yes, we know she really is out of order, approaching Abi as a go-between, imploring her to have a word with Max on her behalf.

That is pretty low.

However, Abi was also out of order, demanding that Max see Kirsty to end it, dictating to him what to say to her, carping and nagging about her being the piggy-in-the-middle, yet again, in Max's affairs. (Well, piggy, yes, but in the middle ... er no.)

She has no idea of Max's relationship with Kirsty and the complexity of feelings between them. Quite succinctly, their relationship isn't as simple as black and white, which is the way Abi thinks. For example: Jay loves Abi, therefore Jay must do as Abi says. Abi sleeps with Jay, therefore Jay must spend money on Abi. (Does she even realise the significance of this sort of relationship?)

That Max still has feelings for Kirsty is obvious, but he's a coward. He's using the fact that she interfered with Abi emotionally to keep her at arm's length. Don't get me wrong - I'm all for Max not getting back with Kirsty, not now or in the near future. We need to see Max on his own for awhile, putting his remaining children first and coping as a single parent.

He was right to put Kirsty off tonight, but he shouldn't have needed Abi's input to do so. He was right about ticking Kirsty off for involving his children in their crumbling marriage.

And sooner or later, I hope he smacks the shit out of that self-righteous, rude, selfish little prig Abi. Boy, Libby Fox had nothing on her in the asshole stakes.

U-G-L-Y 
And you ain't got no alibi.
You're ugly ... Abi Branning.

Cock Worff-Klingon-Spockster, the Newman Ghetto Boy. I hate to say this, but I'm beginning to dislike Patrick intensely. This is the problem with certain characters whom Newman has either introduced or promoted.

The Newman Negroes, especially Dex-TAAAAAA and his lazy mother Ava the Rava, are toxic, poisining everything they touch. 

They had a head start, however, on Cora-the-Bora, resident man in drag of the Square, because she oozes poison. 

Patrick is and always has been a gentleman. He's not perfect, mind you, and he was unfaithful to Yolande, but when his perfidy was exposed, he owned up to his responsibility in his infidelity. Something more people should do on this show, but don't.

He deserves better than that mean-spirited, drunken old trout, Cora, who really does look worse than a man-in-drag. I mean this man in drag looks miles better than that old fartbag:-

Betty Spragg may have been insipid, but she wasn't a bad person; yet we're made to believe she was silly and ineffectual and the too-cool-for-school mean-mouthed and insulting Cora is the woman with whom Patrick longs to be. Fair dos at first, Patrick showed compassion and was worried about hurting Betty, but the low point of this vignette was involving Denise in the deception in an earlier episode.

We're made to think that genuinely good people in this soap are uninteresting bores who deserve to be insulted and made light of, remorselessly. EastEnders has come a long way from the days when good people were genuinely portrayed as seriously good - flawed but good - Arthur Fowler, Nigel Bates, and others.

Instead, we have Patrick, after putting the arrogant Dex-TAAAA in his place for presuming to know more about women than a man of Patrick's years, actually inadvertantly following his advice and literally telling Betty that he didn't want to be with her anymore and insinuating that the reason lay in Betty's personality.

Did it every dawn on anyone that this was a lonely woman?

Add into this equation, his treatment of Dot. Jim was his best friend, and Dot is Jim's wife. When the B and B burned down, Dot offered Patrick a roof over his head and said nothing about the fact that he whooped it up with her sister Rose, thus abusing her hospitality. The Patrick we all know would never have dreamed of gambling the ten pounds Dot gave him to double for the church fundraising. It isn't as if Patrick isn't a believer either. It's a known fact that he's a Catholic. But the way he scammed off on Dot, when she asked him for his contribution, doubled with the distasteful face-pulling the fucking old trout pulled as Dot spoke, was despicable, to say the least.

This is the woman who failed to pay Dot's rent and almost lost the woman her council house. She took the rent paid by people like Joey and wasted it on booze and cigarettes. She can't be without a drink, even now, sousing up at lunchtime before doing a shift at the launderette. If I were Max, I'd kick her putrid ass out of the house, because she's the last person who should be around young girls.

And Cock, arrogantly pushing advice here and there where it wasn't wanted because she's mah nan, innit was pukeworthy.

She is not your nan, you insignificant little piece of shit. Your real nan was there for you and your putrid mother when you two were all alone. She took you in, when you were being hassled by the local gangabanga. She sends you presents. This woman shat your mother out and gave her up for adoption and, really, didn't give her a second thought until your new-found Au'ghee Tanya found a mysterious birth certificate, which showed up your nan's shame for the world to see.

Get over yourself and get the fuck out of Walford, and you can take you "nan" and your new-found granddad with you. Sorry to say it, but Patrick officially is becoming a spent force if a man who was friends with the fabled Pat Evans finds solace in a turd like Cora.

I'd love for Pat to have faced this old bag down. Oh well, maybe Peggy. One day.

U-G-L-Y
And you ain't got no alibi
You're ugly ... Dex-TAAAAAA.

Lovers and Other Strange(rs)

I Don't Like Spiders or Snakes ... or Creepy Jean. 

I know Jean's popular. God, do I know she's popular, and a lot of people accord her sympathy because of her bi-polar condition. But that doesn't preclude the fact that she's thick as the proverbial pigshit - otherwise, she wouldn't have allowed herself to get dragged into the monumental criminal secret she's being "forced" to keep from Ian (and being encouraged to do so by Kat).

Peter Beale, one of the nicest characters ever to appear on the programme (in the past with a different head and now, with a new one) has now been deemed a bully, all for asking Jean if she'd come back to work for Ian. She's refusing - not for the perceived sexual harassment, mind you, but because she's afraid that if she worked for Ian, she might say something that revealed that it was she, Shirley and Bianca, who broke into the restaurant, stole and drank Ian's booze and inadvertanly set fire to the place, then drenched it with the sprinklers, leaving in a cacophony of laughter.

So Jean, once again, ever the victim, starts screeching and running from Peter, only to be gently confronted by Alfie and Roxy. Oh, but she wants Saint Kat, the healer of all ills and the mother-comforter of Walford. For a moment there, I thought Kat would end up giving Jean a bath. 

And Roxy was perfectly within her right to ask Jean how much time she needed off from work, because Jean is the chef at the pub, plus she lives there rent-free. Of course, Mother Superior Kat jumped the gun and proclaimed Jean needed the time off because she was being bullied (by Peter - that's fucking rich coming from the biggest bully of them all) and might resort to another bi-polar episode - when Jean was just scared shitless that Ian, somehow (well, via her, being the weakest link of the Bitches' Trifecta), would discover what really happened and then she'd be rightly prosecuted.

Even more ironic was the fact that a couple of years ago, Kat, herself, bullied Jean into admitting guilt for benefits' fraud to cover for Big Mo. Kat's a bully, herself, and she's bullied Jean.

So Jean goes off to sit with her eyes closed at the allotments, then scream at that poor man's Harry Enfield, Ollie, and run hide in the shed. Ollie weeded her allotment for her. She didn't deserve it. He should have shoved the rake up her arse.

She is not funny. She's not even sympathetic anymore. If Bianca is retarded enough to break the law again and again, then Jean, in her saner moments, should be also. But she wasn't. Yet this trio won't get punished at all. We were meant to laugh at Ian's misfortune, after the awful year he had with his mental collapse - he's still the figure of fun-poking and resentment, but Jean gets untold sympathy.

Who remembers her putting her hand on Janine's pregnant belly, when Janine was in the early stages of labour, and telling her her baby wouldn't be loved? Yes, Jean's just so nice.

As for Kat, she tries flirting with Carl White, knowing he's trying to make Kirsty jealous and in an effort to encourage Kirsty to move on. But Kirsty proves with one fell sentence, that Saint Kat isn't Mother Omniscient.

You wanna be careful. He's not what he seems to be. There was a reason I ended it with him and it wasn't nice.

Here's a phallically-inclined song for the biggest slut in Walford - and that isn't Roxy, but the fat slut sat at the bar of the Vic.

Ollie seems a nice enough guy for creepy Jean. I wonder what the mean folk of Walford will do to drive him away?

The Wrath of Dot. It speaks volumes that no one is interested in Dot's fund-raising, except Fatboy, who paid a widow's mite of an extra tenner he could ill-afford from his minimum wage. The rest were too far up their own arses. The new mean-spirited Walford is supposed to be funny in Newman's era of love and warmth.

And, please, stop the shots of Patrick and Cora sucking each other's fingers. That's  putrid even in young people, and you don't know where Cora's fingers have been. Yuck.

Another nothing episode, besides the scenes with Ian Beale.