Ian Pulls It Off - Review: 16.07.2013

Beale is back.

Back in the high life again. Shame, I can't say that about the rest of the programme.

Even with Ian the focus of the programme tonight, there were aspects of his storyling which still managed to stink up the place.

Examples?

Whitney.

The word "skank" was invented for her. She makes Kat and Kirsty look like raving nuns. She always looks as though she's in need of a good scrub, and her arrogance and sense of entitlement are totally disarming.

First of all, the way she swaggered into that restaurant, chewing gum and giving Ian that condescending stare, demanding an apology. Not just an apology, but a groveling apology, which prompted an even more self-entitled and arrogant response.

Why did he have to apologise at all? If I recall correctly, Ian did nothing to Whitney; it was Whitney who overreacted to Jean's overreaction, by calling Ian a perv. Whitney was the one who levelled accusations, not Ian. She not only levelled an accusation or pervert at him, she made a beeline for the Vic and slagged him off as a pervert there to all and sundry. Also, Whitney had only worked for Ian a matter of weeks, so he was entitled to sack her on the spot and without a reason, although he had a pretty good one.

I'd really want to know why that superfluous and unnecessary scene was inserted in this episode tonight. Ian is actually doing Whitney a favour, not the other way around. I wish this lazy, awful actress playing a lazy, entitled self-victimising character were leaving with the plonker who plays her boyfriend. Easily, this set of teens and late adolescents are the most unlikeable, directionless and pejorative examples of youth ever presented on this show.

EastEnders does no favours to women, and it certainly does a hatchet job on presenting young people in a positive life.

Whitney in Another Life

The other downside to Ian's storyline was Abi the Dough-Faced Girl popping up as a waitress. I suppose it's not such a downside, because she's now actually got herself a job and can earn some money. The giggle has to go, however.

The good part of this storyline was the clever way that they entertwined Ian's nervousness about the re-opening of the restaurant, with Lucy's epiphany regarding how important this business was to Ian, especially after his emotional support the previous day when she was whining and moaning about having been dumped by the Walford Neanderthal, also known as Joey.

So we're expected to believe that Lucy, after watching Ian bask in the glow of giving orders and being his own boss, comes to the conclusion that she has to look after him, the way he looked after her, and decides to allow him to keep the restaurant and even to give him the money to pay off Carl ...

Lucy rings the bank to effect the transfer, when she finds out that the money is no longer hers.

The final scene was precious, with Lucy's reaction, especially. It was obvious from this that Lucy had learned nothing at all from her so-called epiphany. She still doesn't understand in the least that Ian didn't "abandon" her and Bobby. He was ill and didn't realise what he was doing. And if she really really bothered to get beyond her massive ego, she'd actually realise that she contributed a great deal to his state of mind at that time, with her behaviour towards Mandy and Ian throughout Mandy's relationship with him.

And even though she squeals about Ian "tricking" her out of "her" businesses, she fails to see, as Ian so succinctly pointed out to her, she originally tricked him into signing the businesses and the house over to her. In fact, at the time, when Ian was still suffering from his breakdown and still emotionally and psychologically fragile, she gave him no option but to sign over his assets to her - that was the price he paid for being "allowed" to stay in his home. Otherwise, she would have thrown him onto the street.

And thereafter, she and Joey treated him as if her were worse than hired help, forcing him to sleep in the attic room so they could have his bedroom, verbally abusing him and treating him like a piece of shit.

Ian was right to say he took his businesses back in exactly the same manner as Lucy took them off him. She stole them from him. This is karma, Bag O'Bones. Deal with it.

Two Final Observations: I find it hilariously ironic that this stick insect was working in a restaurant.

And, secondly ... let me ... do-this-criticism ... in ... thespeakingstyleofLucyBeale ... Because ... she ... kindasucksasanactressand ... she ... talks-just-like-this.

Seriously, Hetti Bywater is yet another ex-catalogue model who was hired for her looks and shows no talent. She needs to ditch theh eye make-up and have three square meals.

Date Night Not.

Why does EastEnders do this sort of thing? Wasn't it not that long ago - before the departure of Stacey - where there was a similar event in the pub and Jean met some weird guy. I remember repetitive scene of Jean standing by the bar, clutching a drink, along with a guy who seemed to be the male equivalent of Jean, also clutching a drink, and both saying nothing. I seem to recall he rode a scooter, and Stacey scared him off.

So now we have another Queen Vic non-event, played out against the scenario about which Lorraine Newman cares most. Here it is in a nutshell:-

Roxy finds Alfie's decree nisi. Alfie says nothing about it. This puts Roxy in a good mood. So she can afford to be generous to Dot, give Kat a free drink and even invite her to help out behind the bar. Yet Alfie still doesn't tell her about the document, even when she prods him, all the while spending the evening, on the sly, making doe's eyes at Kat, who gets in the odd remark about "Mr Right", harkening back to the sequence of events when she and Alfie first met ten years ago.

We all know what's going to happen and when. As Hayley breathes her last and Karl Munro is exposed as a murderer in Weatherfield, Walford will be celebrating the re-marriage of Kat and Alfie, without Kat ever having admitted responsibility for fucking up her marriage the first time around.

The Speed Dating sequence was less than funny. It brought home the fact of just how many reasonable men are out and about in Walford. Shirley gets paired with a toothless pensioner; Tamwar starts out with Kirsty.

Hang on ... I know Kirsty's still married to Max, for the time being, but Tamwar, surely, must still be married to Afia. There's been no mention of a divorce or divorce proceedings. Jean talks about her bi-polar - because Jean hates lying and can't fathom how Bianca and Shirley aren't worried about being discovered for their crime. Kat owes them nothing, she should encourage Jean to tell Ian the truth.

Tamwar talks about sultanas. Bianca talks about her kids love for processed food. I admit, I'm surprised that Kim, who looked like an over-cooked and over-stuffed sausage, landed Mr Fit Bloke, when I actually thought she and Ajay would be best paired together. They're both past-it party animals who reckon they're too cool for school. And they are both respective village idiots.

This was a whole lot of nothing, ending with Kirsty having yet another take-me-back-Max-you-know-you-love-me moment for the umpteenth time. The only thing I like about Kirsty now is her friendship with Kat. That actually feels natural for both women. Otherwise ... pfffffffffffttttt.

The Bad Smell.

It goes without saying that Linda Henry is one of the strongest actresses in the programme, yet she's been reduced to yet another self-entitled embodiment of bitterness and misery.

Shirley's on benefits? Why? Prior to bunking up with Phil, she worked in the Vic as a barmaid, a job which surely paid minimum wage. Heather worked part-time at the launderette, another minimum wage job, and part-time at the Minute Mart, for - guess what? - minimum wage.

Yet the pair of them managed to afford rent on a three-bedroomed flat, which, in London, wouldn't go for less than a grand a month. Whatever benefits she's on, have been lost, now that she's working for - guess again? - minimum wage at the Minute Mart. That's pretty realistic. But, again, what would be realistic, would be Shirley applying for a council flat or something. Instead, she can no longer afford to pay the sixty quid a night which Kim charges her ... yet she can always afford to prop up the bar at the Vic.

This leads to an orgy of pity drinking, ending with a mournful soliloquy to Bianca, a bad false equivalent to a famous film scene. If Shirl's final, tearful, self-pitying scene outside the Vic, with Bianca, was her I-Coulda-Been-a-Contendah moment ... it failed.

Marlon Brando, she ain't.

Instead, Shirl wails about what she had the previous year - a home (well, it was Phil's house, and she stayed there at his grace and favour), a family (er, no, she didn't; she lived with Phil, was his warm body to whom he couldn't promise fidelity, and she had two non-children, one of whom was a faux Mitchell). She had Hevvah (well, only until March; a year ago was June).

In short, Shirly coulda been and was Mrs Wannabe Mitchell. (Remember the moment in the pub, when she asked rhetorically, "Do you know who I am?") She coulda been a contend-ah. She coulda been somebody ... but not without her association with Phil.

How did she get to where she was now? Well, by betraying Heather's friendship, ultimately, and refusing to reveal Phil Mitchell's part in covering up Ben's deed (perverting the course of justice, I think it's called, amongst other things). And the saddest, most pathetic thing about this - and Shirley knows it - is if Phil crooked his pinkie finger for her to return, she'd crawl ten miles over broken glass to be with him.

But Phil does not love Shirley, and Shirley lives on bitterness and self-pity.

Yet another sub-standard episode. It had its (brief) moments, but they were few and flawed.