Force-Feeding - Review: 31.12.2013

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

You can't get a man with a gun.

Conversely, you can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think.

There's a civilised debate on the new Walford Web Forum (no bullies allowed) about the current state of the programme now that the Saviour has arrived and taken over. All the soaps suffered during the Christmas period, and last night's episode found EastEnders trailing behind Emmerdale yet again - end the year as it started.

Digital Spy forum is overpopulated with the adolescent and adolescently-minded forum members wittering on about "loving the Carters," how the Carters have "automatically fitted in," and such malarkey.

The general census of opinion on the new WW is that this is a forced situation. DTC is serving up his own creation - the Carters, a vanity show if there ever was one - as something new and exciting when they're really just Kevin Wicks & Co under a new name.

Think about it.

May I be frank? I don't trust Treadwell-Collins. He may be a good storyteller, but he has his own agenda, he's lazy about research and not above retconning and he's partial to sensationalism.

In short, he papers over the cracks. 

I hope I'm wrong, but I've already seen him going back on some of the things he said he'd never do - like re-hashing. With all the forced bonhomie of the Carters, and some of the diabolical dialogue we've had to suffer from them, amongst other things, it's a con and a ruse to lull us into a false sense of security before this becomes The Stacey, Ronnie and Shirley Show.

Like I said, I hope I'm wrong.

Happy New Year.

Roswell Ronnie.

Channel Four recently did a psychopath night. I hope they invited Roswell Ronnie, the resident alien of Walford Square.

Yes, Ronnie, this was the night you dumped your dead child in Kat's baby's crib. How fucking dare you smile at the Moons as they walk through the market with their son, after the shit you pulled on them, you plastic-faced whore?

Roswell feels left out. Roxy, the woman who makes Bianca look like a model mother, is out on the town yet again with Carl. Shit, she could be out on the town with Prince William, and Roswell would still be obsessing about getting her away from this man who was bad for her. Dayum, Jesus Christ would be bad for Roxy.

So what does Roswell do? She boo-hoos and uses her dead child as a manipulation device to get Roxy to come home. Meanwhile, Roxy is being the girl - sorry, immature child-woman that Ronnie has created and off whom she feeds, psychologically. She's arranging to go to Paris with Carl.

Odd, that when Roxy finally mentions this to Roswell, Roswell brings up every excuse to go to Eye-BEE-tha (please, someone tell these bimbos how to pronounce that name), she fails to remember one key person in her manipulation ...

What about ME? What about US? What about our fun in Eye-BEE-tha?

Er, sorry, but you bought a child's ticket also, so Amy's going along. But then, Amy's just a silent device with which to wring guilt and manipulate Roxy, who really doesn't care about the kid at all. As someone else said, the Bitchell Blisters would only lock her in a hotel room with a dvd whilst they went out to play Queen of Eye-BEE-Tha.

The bitch actually didn't really plan to visit James's grave - once again, that was just a control mechanism to get Roxy home. Instead, Lola, in her innocence, actually had to shame Roswell into going.

Phil made an interesting remark, when Roswell stormed into the Vic to try to force him into separating Roxy from Carl.

I sold this gaff because of one of her dodgy boyfriends, I ain't doin' nuffink for another. You want it sorted, you deal with it.

So, you see, Phil really doesn't give a rat's arse about these bimbo cousins at all, and I heard a note of regret at his having to sell the Vic.

Months ago, someone aptly remarked that, for all her perceived "toughness," Roxy actually couldn't deal with Carl. It took Phil to return to do that. And she still couldn't deal with him tonight. Interesting that Carl used the same phrase to describe Ronnie that Archie - symbolised by his signet ring - used to refer to Roswell ... "damaged goods."

She was lucky the champagne bottle was at hand. We all know what happens tomorrow night. Well, let's hope the little man with the big ego deals with this fucking murderer correctly.

The Jury's Back.

Yes, I see what DTC is trying to do - he's trying to evoke the 80s atmosphere in the Vic, the era of Den and Ange - full house, everyone there, everyone has a line etc.

I like Linda Carter. I like Johnnie Carter. But I resent being force-fed this family with the usual and obvious quirks and told that here are our saviours. It's all change. Here we are now, entertain us. This is now EastEnders 3.0, for all the teenyboppers and fanbois who missed out on or fail to remember Den and Ange, well ... here are Mick and Linda. Smells like teen spirit.

Much better than Oasis and more attuned to the Carters being in the Vic.

Nice attempt at re-creating the 80s era - but the banter behind the bar about Johnnie the Babe Magnet, his poor attempt to score with Whitney and Shirley morphing into the Carter matriarch made me want to puke. Especially the scene when long-lost auntie, whom he hadn't seen since he was four (she's been out of their lives for fifteen years) and probably doesn't remember, took him upstairs for the requisite chat, including the holding of the hand for comfort.

Linda's remarks about Shirley giving parenting advice was spot on, and I don't buy Mick's sudden devotion to his sisters as opposed to his wife.

In fact, I don't buy Mick. Alfie Moon had his shirts, Mick's got his waistcoat. He's just as dorky as Alfie, nobbling upstairs with the wife for a quick fuck the way Alfie and Kat used to do. Sorry, numpties, but Danny Dyer sucks. Another whispery-voiced man, implying that he speaks softly and carries a big stick in his trousers. The line to Carl about Carl fretnin his family was embarrassing. I find him difficult to hear and to understand. Yet another who could do with diction lessons, especially in the pronunciation of his surname. It is not Ca'urgh.

What annoys me the most about him is his habit of lowering his low-browed forehead and leering before he makes a particular remark, as much as these little retconned quirks about the Carters' favourite karaoke song.

And nice to know that Shirley says she was only interested in Phil when he owned the Vic and she could get unlimited free booze. Pardon me, but her brother is supporting Shirley and Tina, both of whom are fully able to work for their keep.

Another thing I couldn't understand were the scenes with Dot and the Carters, where Linda attempts, once again, to buy Dot's camaraderie with a sweet sherry and having the whole thing descend into the farce which saw Dot being thrown out of the pub for smoking. It took me awhile to fathom that Dot wasn't smoking her digital cigarette, but a real one and trying to pass it off as a digital. It also took me more than a moment to realise that Dot was drunk, actually drunk.

Did this happen with Sharon? Or did someone - Fatboy or Max - spike her drink?

I'm no fan of Dot's, but I thought it harsh that DTC and the writer, Sharon Marshall, who's usually excellent, had Dot ejected from the pub for smoking and for being intoxicated. I mean, she was in a pub, FFS! And note that the first cigarette that was taken from her was surreptitiously smoked by Linda, herself ... illegally and in the pub. Add to that the baiting of Dot by Cora, Big Mo (and they seem to be forging a friendship between Big Mo and Cora the Bora) and Billy's disclosure of Dot's arrest and caution from over a decade ago for unknowingly consuming cannabis, and you get the feeling that this was DTC's thumbing his nose at certain aspects of the old EastEnders, whilst trying to re-capture the magic of the Vic under Angie and Den. Dot didn't deserve that, but whilst reading of her discontent with the programme in the latest Sun interview, one wonders if this was Treadwell-Collins's attempt to stick it to June Brown if she's been letting her discontent be known around Elstree. Bryan Kirkwood ended Pat. Will DTC end Dot?

The Vic certainly was heaving, especially with the endless Carter karaoke, another retcon of the Carter family history, something, including the brother, whom she heretofore never mentioned. One wonders, however, if several of those people - the Beale twins, Fatboy, Lola, Lauren and the atrocious Dexter - would even contemplate an evening at their local watching the elderly perform karaoke.

Still, DTC filled the place with almost every storyline going and then some. A drunken Denise, another one who had previously been drinking with Sharon (who seemed to be drinking her way around the Square), sat whining and complaining about an absent Ian, who was nowhere to be seen - and on New Year's Eve. She eventually ended up coming onto Masood, who had only dropped into the Vic in his capacity as Carol's booze errand boy. Tina, the self-professed dyke of a Carter sister copped off with Billy in the absence of any suitable woman, but was seen ogling Roxy as she came into the pub. Jake and Sadie hugged, with Sadie wishing him a happy new year and he wishing Lauren a happy new year over Sadie's shoulder. Danny Pennant kissed Lucy Beale, the night after he kissed Johnnie Carter, who tried to ply Whitney with champagne. And Peter and Lola reconciled ... did he tell her about Phil's threat to Ian about breaking them up?

And Dexter was there, like a pervading bad smell.

It's all happening at the Vic. And it's being shoved in our faces.

NuOld Sharon.

I called it. I said that the only way DTC would redeem Sharon is simply to treat her immediate past, dating from her return in 2012, as if it had never happened. The Sharon we all knew and remembered - those of us who watched in the 80s and 90s and care to remember - seems to have awoken from the nightmare of being Zombie Sharon and is familiar to us once more.

I'm on board with this. Seriously, why wast weeks and months of time having Sharon do an apology trip around the Square, when she was written atrociously by some of the worst writers on the programme at the moment. Even Pete Lawson got it wrong about her last night.

In fact, had  Newman gone with this approach in June 2012, when Jessie Wallace returned from her break, if she'd treated Kat's atrocious behaviour and cheating on Alfie dating from 2010 as if it had never occurred, if she'd eschewed the awful Shaggerman story, then I could have bought Kat's redemption from that moment.

I'm glad DTC has decided to bin all the inveterate shite written for and about Sharon up until this point, and I'm glad she's back in this form.

The scene with Dot established that Denny was settling down - as opposed to the demon child who terrorised Dot a few months ago; and there was even a reference to New Year's Eve being the anniversary of Dennis Rickman's death, something that wasn't even mentioned this time last year when Jack proposed. And Dot referenced Dennis's friendship.

Moving on, she's now civil enough with Denise to have a cosy drink and go on for a girls' night at the pub. We even found out that the curiously absent Kim has suddenly met a bloke in a kebab shop last week and had gone to Magaluf with him this week. Curious, because Tameka Empson just "disappeared."

No leaving line, no announcement, nothing.

Rumours have persisted online that she's ill or has personal problems, but someone posted a photo on Twitter recently of the actress out and about and looking happy and hearty with mates in London. One wonders if Kim wasn't DTC's Mo - surplus to requirements as a comedy figure now his own Tina Carter has been retconned created - and that the actress was just dropped. Pretty piss poor if true.

It was interesting that Sharon discussed her relationship with Phil with Dot, who was of the opinion that Phil didn't deserve a second chance, but isn't this something like Phil's and Sharon's fourth chance?

I'm not sure if that one night with Sharon sparked Phil's interest in her again, but really, his interest should never have waned, and there's still no way he'd be interested in a brittle old bag like Shirley. I loved Sharon's description of Phil initially to his face as balding and ageing. Good one. But were I she, I wouldn't have been so quick to leave with him. I hope he's not playing her for the Creature from the Black Lagoon, because Hatchet-Face is jealous.

The Nice Part ...

Seeing Alfie and Kat cosied up on the couch at the Slaters' having a quiet New Year's Eve. Proof that you don't need the pub.

Watchable episode, but I don't need to be force-fed.

Poker Face - Review:- 30.12.2013

The Sugly Blisters I.

No one can read Roswell Ronnie's poker face, because she's filled up to the eyeballs with botox and the facelift is so tight, the neck is a dead giveaway. She is the lovechild of Michael Jackson and a Roswell alien. Cop a shaggy, blonde wig on that picture and you have Ronnie.

I'm glad the Saviour, DTC, has made her a villain. That means she has a shelf-life. Bitches develop and they own their bitchery. Villains are something different entirely. It's an insult to viewers' intelligence - well, those of us who aren't insipid, little teenaged girls - that the character has even returned at all; and it would be a supreme irony, if Janine, who was fighting for her life when she killed Michael, should go to prison, when we'll soon have two murderers living cheek-by-jowl on the Square.

I hate Ronnie. I hated her first time around, and I loathe her now. I hate her obsession with Roxy, for whom I think she holds psycho-sexual fantasies. But then, both sisters are supreme losers. 

Roxy is acting like a twat - or as Phil said, a spoiled cow, which is just what she is. She's thirty-six years old, for fuck's sake, and this is still her reaction to being dumped at the altar by Alfie Moon. The reversion to bad boy meme isn't a progression at all for her character. She's pushing forty and she has a child, but she leaves that child with all and sundry so she can nurse her wounded pride by staying out three nights in a row with the local bad guy.

But this is Roxy, true to form. When Ronnie was swapping babies, Roxy had left Amy that morning with Dot and finished the evening, listening to Christian bare his soul about kissing a piper. God knows when she got to see Amy again. The night Amy fell into the bath, she was shown, staggering back to the Square, reeking of drink. Plopping Amy in front of the telly with a DVD has always been her method of parenting - and she handed it onto Christian, if I recall correctly, because he was always plopping Yasmin in front of a selected DVD.

I hope before her tenure is out, someone smacks the living shit out of Roswell Ronnie, so hard that her phoney plastic poker face bounces across the Square. Who the fuck does she think she is to comment of Phil's relationship with Sharon? She prefers Shirley, does she? Because Shirley is bitter and brittle and hard and would approve of Roswell's thug tactics and lies? Does Roswell know that Shirley and Phil stole from Roxy? It's not enough that she has to control Roxy, she's seeking to control Phil as well. I was glad when Phil told her, quite sincerely, that he doesn't give a toss whom Roxy sees because it's none of his business.

Roxy is a grown woman, capable of making her own choices. She is also sublimely stupid, a trait of which Ronnie takes extreme advantage. It's to Roswell's benefit that Roxy does as she does now, tarting about with dodgy men, sleeping around, coming home drunk, neglecting Amy ... it gives Ronnie a chance to step in and mop up whatever mess is made before it's made, even, convincing Roxy that she, Ronnie, and only she, is right and knows what's best for Roxy.

Ronnie found cocaine in Roxy's bag, but as Roxy stated, if she'd been interested in the coke, it wouldn't still be in her bag.

The discovery of Archie's signet ring was a direct reference to Sharon finding Den's signet ring (one of the few retcons of the original era - Den never wore a signet ring) in the market after he'd disappeared the first time. This time, it was used as a device to wreak tears of sympathy from the Ronnie-shipping teen brigade. Roxy still has familial feelings for her father and wants to remember him. Ronnie, obviously, doesn't, for reasons into which we won't delve.

I laude Pete Lawson for his continuity in one respect - Ronnie's still playing the same mind games with Roxy that she played re Damien (who didn't get a mention tonight) and the same game she played re Sean.

Remember what Roswell did with Damien? Hark Roxy's words at the beginning of the clip - Ronnie always insisted on tagging along in her sister's relationships.

Or the way she manipulated Sean in this clip. She tried the same old same old with Carl tonight - The Damien Technique - tell Roxy that Carl tried it on with her, that she was the one he really wanted, that he made a pass and held her hand. And Roxy is still still stupid enough to believe her ... at first.

In both of those above clips, it's patently obvious that Roxy knows exactly what Ronnie is about and what she wants, and it was good continuity, again, on Lawson's part, to have Roxy remind Ronnie again that she is just like Archie.

Roswell is a control freak, and I dare Dominic Treadwell-Collins to give the public something to talk about - since rape is ultimately an act of control, when is Ronnie going to rape Roxy?

She's a rude evil po-faced shit, and I hope she ultimately gets her comeuppance.

The Sugly Blisters II.

The Carters are settling in, but my jury is still out on them. At the moment, I can say that I like the wife and I thoroughly like the son, but I'm still undecided about Danny Dyer. Wearing the wife's pink dressing gown is a bit contrived, as well as the overt pushing of what they reckon to be a shy son toward the ladies - albeit the lady he happens to approach is the local bike, who makes mincemeat of nice boys once dodgy geezers come along. He should talk to Peter Beale or Fatboy.

One of the things spoiling the family's scenes is the fact that the viewers already know that Johnnie Carter is gay, and we already know that he'll enter into a relationship with Danny Pennant.

One curious lack of continuity tonight came when Danny, who seemed to follow Johnnie everywhere, came into the launderette to leave a service wash with Dot. Dot asked his name and effected not to know who he was; yet it was Danny Pennant who organised the five-a-side football match which raised the bulk of the funds she needed for the church roof and who presented the profits from the match to her.

One thing for certain was Danny's gaydar was soaring when he saw Johnnie, so we're in for a coming-out tale that will, most likely, involve a love square rather than the love triangles of which Newman was so fond. We'll most likely have a Whitney-loves-Johnnie-loves-Danny-loves-Lucy fiasco.

As Diane Butcher would tell you ...

So, all in all, the kiss at the end of the episode wasn't all that much, because we knew it would happen. Still, I'm glad they're approaching this coming-out theme again, because it's still hard for some people to address their sexuality and go public with it comfortably.

The other thing that's killing the Carters for me are Shirley and Tina. These two are moochers. At least Tina is a part-time pop girl, even if she does drink the punters' drinks, but basically, these two are happy to mooch off the proceeds of their younger brother's profits, whilst Shirley is openly rude to Linda. All Shirley does is sit at the bar and drink the profits, looking as if she's the most important thing in Walford. 

She's not.

She leeched off Phil's position, and now she's leeching off Mick's; and the sight of her and Tina robbing fruit off the Beale's fruit and veg stall was disgusting. I was hoping Tamwar would have seen that, but he was more concerned about Peter leaving the stall unattended, and that was irresponsible of Peter, who was more concerned with returning Phil's money in order to get back into Lola's knickers to care about the state of the stall.

I'm still not sold on Danny Dyer. One thing for certain is that I do not think he is eye candy. He looks like a cross between a rat and an orangutang; although I can see DTC trying to evoke the Den-Ange era in the Vic with tonight's impromptu darts match. The bonhomie was far too forced and contrived. Still, I'm game for giving him a chance to see how he works out. One thing's for certain - he's not the saviour of the show.

Another thing I don't like is Treadwell-Collins turning his first character creation, Shirley, into the eyes and ears of Walford. That's what ego will do to you.

Let's Do the Timewarp Again.

Pete Lawson's and DTC's one big retcon too many came tonight in the form of Frank'n Furter Phil turning to Sharon on the rebound from The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

As fucking if.

And as fucking if Phil would solicit sex from that dried-out old prune, but I'm not surprised he'd think she was interested. And she still would be, were she not entitled to sit and drink, free of charge, at the Vic. When Shirley had nothing, she couldn't shake Phil from her psyche, so much so that she betrayed her so-called best friend's memory and chose not to shop him to the police in the cover-up of Heather's murder. Now that her brother is Mr Central Male in Walford, she can turn Phil down and say she's moved on.

Who does Treadwell-Collins think he's kidding? Phil would never ever treat Sharon as a piece of meat. He would never imply that she came running for his favours as second place to Shirley. That's never been the Phil Mitchell who loved Sharon Watts. This is the man who, wordlessly, told Shirley that he'd never have become an addict if he had been with Sharon, and he'd never have cheated either. He told her that as well. And now, Sharon's become second best because Phil Mitchell was horny and Shirley was his first choice?

This is why I don't trust Treadwell-Collins and never have. If anything were an obvious retcon, this angle on the Phil-Sharon dynamic is blatant. Newman made it a business arrangement. Treadwell-Collins restored the chemistry, but pulled the carpet out at the last minute to make it all about Shirley.

I'm Team Sharon. She's nobody's rebound, and if she and Phil do get together, Grant should come back and she should shag him until he's blue in the face in front of Phil, then tell Phil how much better it was ... with Grant.

Squealing Beale.

Hairy Cindy the Greek has gone to her grandmother's. Please, can she stay there?

I guess the money for playing Ian Beale must be good, because I don't know how Adam Woodyatt could stand to have his character lowered to such a craven state. Here's another incongruency with DTC - oh, what the hell, let's just say he lied.

He said in an interview that he doesn't want to portray the parents through the eyes of the children, but that's just what he's doing in the case of Peter Beale and Ian. Ian shits himself at the mention of Phil Mitchell's name. Thanks to Peter, Ian can redeem himself in Phil's eyes by returning the money Cindy stole back in the summer.

But here this EP ratchets this stupid feud up one level, by thinking that Ian encouraged Cindy to steal the money and then that he knew about what she did and kept it hidden. Has Phil forgotten that Ian owes Cindy jack shit? She's nothing to do with him and the product of his ex-wife's affair, the same ex-wife whom Phil followed to Italy in order to retrieve two of Ian's kids, one of whom was Peter.

Most people who've watched the show for longer than twenty years, have even forgotten the reason for the feud. It's just silly now and a chance for Phil to act the mindless thug and for Ian to be Mr Chicken yet again. And that's getting ridiculous.

At least, Sharon was the adult in the room and diffused the situation. The Sharon of old, yes, but not good enough considering the events that transpired in this episode.

Oh, and the bad smell that is Dexter, now known as Black Bradley as he's staying, uninvited, in Max Branning's house, is still lingering about the place, trying to pick up Lola.

Just leave.

Could do better. Could do a lot better.

The New Arrivals - Review 27.12.2013

Well, they're here. The Carters have arrived. Even without looking, I can hear the orgasmic squeals of delight from the poor benighted souls who'll take the slightest crumb from the high table as evidence that EastEnders is on the upturn, even if that crumb (pun intended) is Danny Dyer.

I wasn't keen at all with the news of Dyer's arrival. His reputation preceeded him, and I didn't like the braggadocio inherent in his early interviews, where he claimed to be the one to save EastEnders and to turn it around. And then there was the insult to Emmerdale and the ensuing Twitter war between him and the actor who plays Andy Sugden.

Today's episode was the first that really featured the Carters, exclusively Dyer, whom - I gather - is a favourite, already, of the new Messiah, DTC. The husband-and-wife team were introduced to us gradually, but we knew the Carter Sugly Blisters well ahead of time.

With two other siblings (one another "hunk"), an elderly father, an auntie and a mother-in-law only mentioned today, there's room already for the clan to grow to Branning-esque proportions. Then there's Carly, Deano and their respective partners.

I think this is what's frightening most established viewers with this new clan - the fact that they're a product of this EP's ego and that they have every potential to grow. 

My jury's still out.

The Carter Family

I'll be blunt. Although she's a strong actress, I don't like Shirley. I find her hard, brittle, bitter and twisted. I abhor the fact that she walked out on three small children, two of whom were not fathered by her husband, and we've yet to know why she did that. I hate the fact that she's a stinking alcoholic, and that's never been addressed either, and that she's obsessed with Phil Mitchell.

I agree with Sharon. She's pathetic. She was an abysmal friend to Heather, whose memory she betrayed the moment she elected not to shop Phil Mitchell to the police for covering up Ben's part in Heather's murder. I hate the fact she'd sleep with him in a New York minute and that Heather has been all but forgotten.

But why shouldn't we forget her? After all, we now have skinny Heather, in the form of Shirley's irresponsible, near-retarded, retconned sister, Tina, who dresses like a court jester and behaves like a twelve year-old.

Tina's got a twenty year-old daughter, the blue-haired Zsa Zsa, who probably brought herself up and went traipsing off to Spain three years ago to find her mother who, at that time was fine, fifty, heterosexual and living with her Spanish boyfriend.

Does Dominic Treadwell-Collins think the viewers, apart from the lowest common denominator of nitwit, wouldn't pick up on the obvious retcon - as well as the suddenly-mentioned brother from out of the blue, both of them decades younger than Shirley and whom she allegedly brought up when she wasn't being married to Kevin, dealing with the disabled James, sleeping around on Kevin and dropping kids for him to raise, before buggering off to party down with Heather.

Shirley is also a grandmother. Remember her glazed smile when gazing at her grandson last year? Yet, rather than stay with her daughter, she loped back to Walford to obsess on Phil.

The family who run the Vic are the powerhouse family of Walford - or they were, until Bryan Kirkwood fucked up and fucked over Alfie and Kat Moon and moved the centrepiece of action from the Vic to Max Branning's front room. 

That bothers me, Shirley being part of the front and centre action, is how even more obnoxious she is when she's in a position of power. Who can't help but recall her strutting around Walford when she was living with Phil, demanding of people "Do you know who I am?" just to get her way.

She was up to that again tonight, first blowing vile smoke in Sharon's face and lording it over her because she got the Vic. Bullshit. Her power play previously came from her association with Phil, now it comes from her brother- nothing for Shirley, herself. Then she went about trying to bully Alfie into making contact with the suppliers to provide them with sufficient booze and crisps in which to open the pub, having sold all the stock the previous day. (Pardon me, but Mick Carter is supposed to be an experienced landlord, so why didn't he think to check out the stock on hand before his opening day?)

I hated her remark to Alfie ...

You owe him.

Er, no, Shirl, sorry. Alfie Moon doesn't owe your brother the skin off his arse. 

I hate Shirl the Enforcer, Shirl the bully and above all, I hate Shirl the drunk. And I want to know why she's so unnaturally close to her siblings to the point that she hates her brother's wife, but she doesn't give a rat's arse about her own children.

Tina needs to grow up, ditch the weird clothes and either admit she's special needs or just act normal. Tina is DTC's combination of skinny Heather and Kim, who's suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth, so we have yet another Village Idiot with which to contend. At least she doesn't look like a man in drag, unlike her sister.

The Carter second son, whom we've seen first, Johnnie, is a cross between Jamie Mitchell and Jay Brown. We know that he's secretly gay, so we've got the first coming-out storyline since Syed the Gay Muslim. We also know that, rather than deliver us a love triangle (which Newman adored), DTC likes to go one step further, so we're going to have a love square featuring Lucy-loves-Danny-loves-Johnnie-pretends-to-love-Whitney.

The reveal to that should be enough to send Bag O'Bones Beale screaming from Walford and Whitney the Walford Mattress doing her bike routine again.

We met Linda Carter, or L (why?) last week. I like her, if for only the reason that she hates Shirley's guts. Good taste, that woman. Scrubbed up, she looks like a classier version of Roxy Mitchell, but I preferred her scrubbed down, with no make-up and running around Walford in her dressing gown and curlers, although her main function tonight was to establish the fact that there's a third Carter child serving in Afghanistan, and he'll be cast as soon as the EP finds the hunkiest male model in the Littlewood's underwear section the appropriate actor.

After a rocky start, she did bond with Sharon, and I'm glad of that. Sharon needs a friend who isn't a Branning.

And finally, the big star, himself.

Well, suffice it to say, I wasn't as offended by his presence as I thought I'd be. Danny Dyer has the face of a rat and the loping body of an orangutang. Whoever reckons him to be eye candy is in serious need of a visit to SpecSavers.

And guess what? He's another whispery-voiced man - following in the tradition of Phil Mitchell, Beppe di Marco, Steve Owen, Jase Dyer, Tony King and Jake Stone. Only he's got a genuine Cockney whisper.

Oh, and he's Alfie Moon without the shirts. A family man who's a cheeky chirpy Cockney. Shirley and Tina become an acidic Nana Moon and an even more moronic Spencer.

I hear Dyer is finding the daily scripts a struggle, but I also hear he's trying to base his character on Mike Reid's iconic Frank Butcher. He should be so lucky. First impressions were meh, but they could have been worse. I'm prepared to give him a chance.

The Rest

Harvest Moons.

Line of the night goes to Kat, gazing at the empty leather chair, formerly occupied by Michael:-

That Dracula chair has got to go. It gives me the creeps.

You can tell Alfie is worried about how he's going to support his family, but Kat is encouraging; however, she, Ian and others are a bit Micawberish in their insistence that "something will turn up."

I really feel for the Moons, because there was no real need to oust them from the pub - not only doing that, but selling the pub altogether, Phil doing that on Roswell Ronnie's sayso.

The fact that Alfie is a genuinely nice guy wasn't lost on someone like Mick. Alfie could have left him to stew in his juices with no supplies. Instead, he managed to get some stock to tide him over and also to round up some yokels so the new landlord would know his clientele.

I know it's fashionable to hate Alfie by some of the dumbasses on Digital Spy, but these people don't have the brain capacity to remember when Alfie first arrived on the Square and the remarkable chemistry he had with Kat. Alfie's problems this time around are the same problems faced by the likes of Ian and Phil - crap writing for male characters.

The Case of the Meales and the Missing Money.

So Hairy Cindy the Greek has been swanning around Walford with ten grand in her purse? WTF? As if ... any other person would have stashed the cash in some hiding place, but not this boy girl. At least, they've remembered the story of the missing money, and now Peter is demanding of his cowardly father that he return to dough to Phil (obviously to make it possible for Peter and Lola to canoodle again.

And after that, please can hairy Cindy the Greek leave? Especially now that Rebecca the Honker is arriving.

Memo to Ian: a free cappucino won't mend a broken heart.

The Other Sugly Blisters.

I just realised something else I hate about Roswell Ronnie - that awful little-girlish singsong voice she uses whenever she speaks to Roxy. It's the sort of patronising voice people who don't have children use when they're talking to kids - except Roxy isn't a kid. She's a woman in her late thirties, sneaking out from under her sister's domination in order to have some fun with a dodgy man.

She's gone from being understanding of Alfie choosing Kat over her, to being petty and malicious, making snide and petty remarks about him scouring the HelpWanted ads in the cafe. Why? Because she's seeing a man on the sly as an act of rebellion against a psychopath sister.

Ah, but these Sugly Blisters are the pretty ones, and so the viewers are supposed to afford them any kind of excuse to behave badly.

Amy continues to be a creepy, non-speaking kid. Does anyone realise that she's five years old?

A Twist in the Tail.

Sharon's, not Shirley's.

Who saw that coming (bad pun)? Phil and Sharon comfy in bed and enjoying every minute of it. 

Just like old times ... More Phil and Sharon, please, and no contrived love triangle with the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Headline News: Creature from the Black Lagoon Takes Over Queen Vic.

Oh, and the dog was adorable. Shame about Shirley.

Bullshit

Princess Plagiarist Perfect spews some on Digital Spy (lift your feet, because it gets thick on the ground):-

I don't know how anyone can criticise yesterday's episode as 'one of the worst' or 'the worst'.

Sure, not everyone will like it. But it screams of some Janine fans upset that they didn't get the favoured ending they wanted and that being the real motive being their criticism of the show then the actual quality of the programme.

This show has by large operated on the basis that when someone does something wrong, they pay for it. The big exception to that in recent years was Stacey, and that was a mistake. Janine, nor any other character in the show should be give anonymity from that ideal. Janine killed a man. Yes, that man was a psychopath - but he was about the face the fate of prison on an attempted murder charge anyway before Janine decided to kill him. You cannot play god - something that every single character in this saga - Janine, MM, Alice tried to do and it's why they are in some way or another paying for it. Alice is still in prison, Janine was arrested, and MM is dead. 

Last night's episode was actually, IMO fantastically written. There is no ideal person to send Janine down at the moment, because one person who would have been perfect for this is dead.

That's only marginally better than "divine Michael" excuses being spouted by the child  faith11 (who must be about eleven).

Michael wasn't about to face the fate of anything, woman. He was trying to kill Janine. He was strangling her to death when Alice stabbed him, and the police confirmed that that was only a superficial stab wound. Pumped up on adrenaline and hatred for Janine, when he got up, he was about to finish her off with the knife, which she grabbed before he did. He lunged for her and if he could have prised the knife from her, he would have and would have killed her, without compunction.

That was always the plan.

I get the point about people who kill, for whatever reason, getting karma - Dennis Rickman got his, and Steve Owen killed in self-defence (and hid the body) and both got their just reward. It just seems that from Stacey onward, people who killed or committed serious crimes sorta kinda got a bye and even forgiveness with it. Now Stacey's back and we'll have a murderer and a child snatching psychopath who may yet commit a murder living cheek by jowl on the Square.

As for Janine, what she did was in self-defence, even the tape proved that. and the tape, itself, is entrapment, something which is illegal and inadmissable as evidence in a court of law. David was also blackmailing her, something Janine can easily prove as he returned to Wlaford with one pound in his pocket and now plows £250k into a car lot. Joey's behaviour from Janine can be cited by her (with Carol subpaena'd as a witness, because his up close and personal behaviour was clear witness-tampering. Besides, the police, themselves, have photos of the injuries Janine sustained from Michael. And Alice the dipshit confessed from the getgo to breaking a court injunction in sneaking Scarlett to visit Michael, plotting to drug Janine, plotting to kill her and kidnap her baby. She also stabbed Michael. At worst, that's assault.

People should stop trying to defend Michael because he was an attractive man, just like they should stop trying to defend Ronnie because she's an attractive woman. If Michael looked like Derek and Ronnie looked like Heather, there'd be hell to pay.

:Plagiarism isn't very honest either.

All Change - Review: - 26.12.2013

Well, the results of the great Christmas rush are now in, and Coronation Street won this round. Somewhere on a forum a commentator who worships at the altar of the stealth tax that is the BBC is quietly weeping.

That said, as good as EastEnders was (and I've yet to watch Corrie), neither soap did astoundingly well, both failing to top 8 million at Christmas. That's saying a lot about the lack of quality EastEnders endured for most of the year and the similar lack of quality Corrie's suffering now.

And, the Boxing Day episode, for all it finally formally introduced the new landlord of the Vic and his family, was more of a filler episode than anything else, and this is something that the show needs to address - the fact that the thing can produce a masterpiece like the Christmas episode and then fall back casually into mediocrity.

The Bitchells.

One brief glimpse upon which I failed to comment last night. Towards the end of the episode, we saw the Bitchells traipse off to observe the yokels' street party, and there was Roswell Ronnie ...

...standing there carrying Amy. This is some phenomenon I don't understand. Amy is five years old. She barely speaks and when she does, she has the vocabulary of a three year-old. Kamil and Tommy speak better. And she's carried everywhere she goes. Is the child who plays her actually five? And why do they constantly allude to Amy going to nursery, when she should be in the reception class at Walford Primary?

Phil Mitchell is never better than when he is with Sharon. The chemistry just bounces off Steve McFadden and Letitia Dean. More than likely, DTC has effected a swift damage limitation re Sharon and the atrocious way in which her character has been handled since 2012.

From the moment she entered the cafe and sidled down to sit beside Phil, and they began to reminisce about the Vic and what it meant to them, they clicked again. I loved Sharon's listings of the good things about the Vic - Den and Ange, when they genuinely did love each other, Michelle Fowler (at last she gets a mention), Sharon and Grant - and Sharon and Phil, which provoked a laugh and reminiscences about their naughty carrying-on.

Notice whom she didn't mention ... Dennis.

That's right, the great so-called love of her life didn't rate a mention in her trip down Memory Lane. The Shannis shippers will be livid, especially seeing Sharon and Denny cosily ensconced at Phil's house playing wii games with Phil.

Where, I ask, were the Sugly Blisters? Roxy was hunkered down over a fried breakfast at the cafe, but where was Roswell Ronnie?

Of course, the gist of the episode was made up of the Moons moving from the Vic back to the Slater Arms, Phil gazing about the Vic and a hung-over Shirley baiting him, whilst she and Tina later bait the Walford residents as they helped the Moons move. Of course, Shirley and Tina know the identity of the new landlord, so we're about to see Shirley move, once more, into the "Do-You-Know-Who-I-Am" power mode.

Yes, Shirley, I do know who you are - a guttersnipe drunk and a feckless mother, a bitter and twisted old hag. Shirley seriously has a drinking problem, and her sister is seriously retarded. She deserves to be in the gutter permanently because of some of the decisions she's made about her life, and the sister's ageing teenager act is wearing thin on the charm now. Hand a pub over to an alcoholic and a lamebrain and what will happen?

Of course, the final scene was symbolic, to say the least, when past, present and future of the Vic all met up to find out the real identity of Mick Carter. Why was Sharon strutting in with Phil, who was obviously informed by Roxy the tattletale twit that the Moons were holding a pound-a-drink happy hour as a means of bowing out.

Line of the night goes to Billy-

Roxy: Does Phil know about this?
Billy: I should think not. Pint, please.

I'm actually glad Billy hasn't been mixed up in this silly vendetta, and I still can't fathom Phil going whole hog and selling the Vic over someone's head, much less not telling Peggy, because Roswell Ronnie ordered him to in defence of an honour Roxy gave away to the highest punter back when she described herself as Queen of Eye-Bee-Tha.

How long before Phil's back to disdaining the Sugly Blisters again? Soon, I hope.

The Meales.

Poor Peter Beale. Caught between the rock of his father having been driven to distraction by twenty years of Phil Mitchell's bullying, and the hard place in his trousers for Lola Pearce-not-Mitchell.

Poor Ian Beale, being put in such a position yet again, although I am baffled again at why Phil's adamant that Lola not get involved with Peter Beale. Surely, he isn't keeping her "pure" for Ben? Or does he think that if Lola gets with another man, Lexi will be less of a Mitchell? At least, Ian eventually was able to come clean with Peter about why he had to call it a day with Lola, and Peter was forced to see how Phil's machinations toward Ian over the years, has resulted in Ian becoming the nervous wreck re Phil that he is today.

A lot of that stems from his last encounter with Phil, over Ben's confession to having killed Heather and Ian being bullied into covering that up.

Were I Peter, I'd have told Lola the truth about Phil and what he said. Lola has the trump card, however - Lexi, and she could deny Phil access over his behaviour in this.

Moon Finale.

The Moons went out of the Vic with dignity, and it was a testimony to them that so many of the community helped them leave. Good to see Big Mo about and dropping one-liners to fit young lads like Peter Beale ...

Ain't you got big? Come round later an' I'll give yer a rubdown after this.

Nice of Shirley to snidely ask Kat if what she and Alfie would be doing after being removed from the Vic, as if she cares, the hatchet-faced bitch.

The Big Reveal.

Or not, as it were.

In a curious way, Max finding out about Lauren shagging and chasing after a married man was interesting to watch. One wonders if it jogged any memories for Max, who was pursued, himself, as a married man by Lauren's mother, no less. He even left his wife for a pregnant Tanya. And later, as a married man, he pursued none other than Saint Stacey Slater, and his infidelity was discovered by Lauren.

Now, it's a different kettle of fish, when he finds his daughter doing what her mother effectively did. It's not nice for her to chase a married man, yet Max is a serial cheat, notwithstanding.

Tell me, Lauren. Tell me one thing that's good about this, and I'll walk out the door.

Well, of course she couldn't give any sort of reason, and Jake the peg scarpered home, probably shitting himself. What was more than ironic was Max reminding Lauren that Jake was still with his wife and child at the end of the day, when Max walked out on Rachel for Tanya. However, he didn't walk away from Tanya for Stacey.

Max's threat to Jake, to ensure that he'll lose everything if he continues to sniff around Lauren, will be interesting to watch play out. I think it would be interesting for Max to realise that Lauren's behaviour - from her alcoholism to her lack of morals - has been acquired from both her parents.

The Aftermath and the Afterglow.

Why has putrid Carol got hold of Scarlett? I'm surprised the police allowed the child to be kept there, considering Diane is now on her way to collect her? How nice of Carol to do that, even giving sustenance to David.

The most interesting aspect of the episode tonight occurred in a brief piece of dialogue with David, after he arrived back at the Butcher-Beale-Jackson residence, leaving a voicemail for Roxy.

For Roxy.

He's proposing a bit of business for her. At last, it's finally been remembered that Roxy owns the car lot.

Kirkwood obviously forgot that, because he had Roxy go from profiting from the sale of her house to Greg, the sale of her business to him to being thrown out of her flat by Janine for non-payment of rent. The implication was that she'd spent the entire fortune she'd inherited from Archie, but TPTB forgot she still owned the friggin' car lot. It was 2009, when she rented the place to Max and Bradley Branning. Now David wants to buy it with the money he blackmailed from Janine.

I'm glad Granny Carol isn't buying his lies about being shocked by Janine's confession - correction, by her forced confession.

Kudos to Joey for revealing to Carol that David had the tape of Janine's confession for quite awhile before Carol gave the phone to him.

She doesn't trust him fully now, so why doesn't she kick her arse out, and as far as I know, Janine hasn't sold the house where they live, so who'll collect the rent?

Amidst all of this, amidst the fact that Scarlett was in their midst in the aftermath of Janine's arrest, Bianca still manages to make the situation all about her, moping into the kitchen and crying like a spoiled brat over being taken for granted by a man she hardly knows.

And, finally, we bade good-bye to Joey. David Witts was, arguably, one of the worst actors ever to be in the programme, hired without experience and for his looks only.

Joey thought Carol was smart, which is a joke, because the Brannings are all losers. I want them to have it painfully spelled out that Alice is not innocent. She pleaded guilty to murder. Janine has been charged, but all that means is that there is an investigation again, and, as Billy said, she is sticking to her story, and there's a curious lack of evidence pointing to her involvement. Her prints are not on any of the weapons used, she was photographed because she bore the bruises from Michael's murder attempt. Alice has admitted that she and Michael plotted to kill Janine and kidnap Scarlett. Alice has said that she is guilty. The tape of Janine's forced confession is inadmissable evidence. She needs to inform them of David's blackmail, the tale of the money and also of the fact that Joey was sleeping with Janine and had been doing so since Michael was buried. That's witness-tampering and the case could be thrown out.

But Alice is going to prison.

And with Joey's understated departure (he deserved nothing less), with his farewell speech to ...

THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS ...

one thing was made painfully obvious - that there was as little sexual chemistry between the quasi-incestuous Joey and Lauren as there is between Jake and Lauren. That's down to the actors involved. Joey's gone. I hope Jake goes this year as well, and I do hope DTC has the balls to call time on Lauren.

The Carters.

I won't comment on the Creature from the Black Lagoon or the latest manifestation of the Village Idiot, but I was favourably impressed by Linda last week and first impressions of Dyer don't seem bad.

But really, who can buy and sell and move into a pub within a week?

The son looks like a cross between Jay and Jamie Mitchell. And the bulldog. Loved the bulldog.

A filler episode on Boxing Day? Give over!