Ding dong, merrily on high and all that. 'Twas the Night before Christmas and the battle for the number one soap at Christmas is beginning. Will Downton pare away EastEnders' dominance? Who knows? The soap has had a rough time this year, and it's packing everything in the package labelled "Danny Dyer" for tomorrow night's entertainment.
Yes, the show is turning the corner, but Monday night, its ratings slipped perilously low again. The Chelsea-Arsenal match took some live viewers, but even with the horrendous weather, the show failed to attract a decent following again. Probably because most people who would have watched were trying to make their way home amidst motorway and railway chaos.
There are many things about which I'm still not happy with the show and some of it is the direction in which Dominic Treadwell-Collins is taking the show, especially if it means we're in for a more sensationalist take on things. I do understand why he's bringing back assorted people from the past, and I would hope it was an effort to re-establish the show's brand.
But with Sonia? And re-introducing the Stacey-Ronnie emphasis? The sensationalism is going to lie in watching Ronnie become a certified psychopath, but this is a show which had girls of lesser intelligence wanting to be treated the way Michael Moon treated Alice.
This is the Twenty-First Century, FFS, and women want to be belittled and humiliated by men, and EastEnders is promoting this?
This is what makes me wonder about the new Messiah.
The Avenging Angel.
It's hard to believe Janine is leaving us, but ask me whom I would back in a confrontation between her and David Wicks, and I'd back her all the way. She had that look on her face as she left the car lot, after her confrontation with David, uttering the line of the night:-
You don't want to mess with me, David.
David Wicks should heed her words, because Janine is always the most dangerous when she's got her back against the wall, fighting for her life.
David is seriously underestimating her, but one thing worries me about this characterisation of David Wicks. Yes, he's smarmy and dodgy and essentially dishonest. And jealous, essentially of the fact that his younger brother, Ian, was raised knowing their father, and David wasn't.
But David was never intentionally cruel. Feckless, yes, and a commitment-phobe. But never callously cruel, the way he's been to Janine. Truth is, if Pat were alive and aware of this scam on David's part, she'd beat his arse.
I love Janine, I love the way she shoved her vulnerability aside tonight to fight right back at David's deception, using her remorselessly in order to be able to buy that "scuzza" car lot.
He should realise that Janine would never acquiesce this easily. And what was interesting was when Janine unwittingly engaged Billy in her counter-plan, she, essentially, told him the truth about the situation in which she found herself - that David had taped a remark she'd made out of context and was using it to blackmail her. When Billy, a Mitchell no less, suggested going to the police, that's when her self-preservation instincts kicked in and she hatched a plan based on the lie that David was threatening Scarlett, knowing that this would resonate with Billy, getting him onside.
I want him gone.
You know, as watchable as Michael French is, I kinda want him gone too, for doing this to Janine. I don't buy the obsession with Granny Carol or the doting Dad routine with Bianca, both women looking considerably older than David Wicks, himself. I think what he's doing to Janine is despicable.
One thing was made abundantly clear about David tonight - he really is all about himself. Janine has, essentially, been isolated since David's Carol and her banshee Village Idiot daughter effectively exiled her brother from Walford. They've been nothing less than ungrateful for the affordable roof over their heads she provided for them. The fact that David was indeed practically Janine's brother, meant nothing to him; and you have to wonder, as well, how much Pat actually meant to him. The home truths at the cemetary hit David hard, very hard; and a lot of what he's doing now is anger at Pat, misdirected at Janine.
He's now, no longer, the man who slept with his brother's wife. He's the man who destroyed and blackmailed his step-sister.
Awful man. I hope Janine wins this one.
The UnHoly Martyr.
I know I'm in the minority, but I find it very difficult to feel any sort of sympathy for Carol at the moment. Yes, I know Lindsey Coulson is a brilliant (soap) actress. I know she regularly "knocks it out of the park" at every opportunity. I know everyone is supposed to love Carol because she's so brilliantly flawed, and she's matriarch material; but the truth is, I don't like Carol very much.
I think she's the most horrendous bully and emotional blackmailer of her children. In the wake of the Dan Sullivan affair, she effected a truce with Bianca, but was more than willing for her and her children to sleep on the street rather than help her out. She carries a grudge to the grave. She cut Sonia cold for putting her child up for adoption, and cut Robbie cold for failing to convince Sonia otherwise.
She's one of the most promiscuous characters on the Square and puts the likes of Roxy Mitchell to shame. Since her return in 2010, Carol's been through Lewis the recruiting officer, Connor (Billie's friend), David Wicks, Eddie Moon, Steve the Probation Officer and Masood.But then, why change the habit of a lifetime? She's been fucking around since she was fourteen years old.
And before anyone calls me callous, I'm a breast cancer survivor, myself, and - at least this time around when they tackle a cancer storyline, they're being more realistic about it than they were with Tanya's cancer cold. We saw the mammogram procedure and the biopsy. We heard the doctor tell Carol what they found, what it meant and what she would have to go through to obtain a diagnosis. We saw all of that, rather than the hospital outpatients' waiting room, and Tanya hyperventilating before she would toddle off on her Jimmy Choos to guzzle drink at the Vic or to scarf fish and chips.
Well, now she's told David. Not because she wanted to, mind, but because she had to do so, and thus, the great retconned love story continues; but only the more astute and few remaining long-term viewer will assess that this sort of calamity is the foundation upon which Carol's and David's relationship, as it were, is based.
Comfort sex.
David's shunned by Walford for having slept with his brother's wife, and Carol's feeling fragile after discovering that Alan had been unfaithful ... comfort sex.
Pat dies ... comfort sex.
Even Connor was comfort sex.
Carol has cancer. Suddenly, the thought of David being under the same roof is appealing. After all, the kids would love it, and she could bonk her troubles away, thinking David would be there to love and guide her through the mess. As if.
Based on what the doctor told her at the consultation - the fact that not one lump, but a series of lumps had been found in her breast - she's right. She most likely does have cancer. And she will have to have an aggressive treatment consisting of, probably, a radical mastectomy (at worst) or a major lumpectomy (at best) with removal of the lymph node under her arm, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Get used to seeing a sick Carol for a long time.
But who am I kidding? This is the lead-in to the return of Honker, herself, the appalling Sonia.
And let's see how soon Carol callously kicks Mas to the curb.
I'm sure Lindsey Coulson will do this storyline justice, and it's a public service storyline of which the public needs to be aware (again); but Lordy, does it always have to be a woman and does it always have to be breast cancer? How about a man with prostate cancer? Several candidates on the Square for that - Patrick, Phil Mitchell, even Alfie. Or lung cancer - Max is still a heavy smoker. How about leukaemia with a younger person?
Nope, this has got to be breast cancer, and it's got to concern the numpties' favourite, Granny Carol, and she'll be cured and then she can go on bonking and being rude to people, which is her usual temperament.
God is Dot's Shield (and Her Attention-Getting Device).
For all he says he's the man who doesn't do re-hashes, this storyline is a re-hash. For Abi the Dough-Faced Girl, read Sonia the Honker originally. This is a donkey of a tale.
At least Daisy Coulam had the chutzpah to include a line from Dot about having been through such a scam before.
Here's the gist. Dot gets prideful about her actions with the church, waves her church fund about, gets done over by a con man, loses her faith, goes around being rude to people, hides in the house and gets set straight by one of her step-granddaughters.
Been there, done that.
This time, it took two people to see her right - Poopy-La-Dim and Abi the Dough-Faced Girl.
I can buy Abi planning on going to Midnight Mass with Dot, as she's always been close to her. So we see Abi with Dot, whilst her amoral sister chews the face off the local Manc perv down an alleyway, as you do. Like mother, like daughter. But I thought Poopy was Jewish.
That was certainly established when she and Jodie Gold were doing TOWIE impressions on the show three years back. But now, Poopy's been retconned into a good Christian Anglican girl who went to Midnight Mass with her parents. Oh well, they forgot Lisa was Jewish as well.
So June Brown gets thrown a scrap just so the audience can ascertain that Dot is still relevant, she has a panic attack, confesses to the local airhead, and listens to her granddaughter spout pop psychology and it's enough to make her realise her importance to the community once again and get her ringing that bell of Christianity.
We won't see her again for months.
The Greatest Gift.
It's Kat's and Alfie's last night in the Vic and the go out in style, including a speech from Alfie, which was true to and from the heart. It hasn't always been the best of times for him there, but he did meet Kat, whom he's now acknowledged as the love of his life. Phil's done a dirty here, and for no real reason (well, the reason was that the EP wanted his ego assauged and so he's stunt casted a one trick pony into playing a common version of Alfie Moon.)
Alfie and Kat left with their dignity intact and a surprise visit from Charlie Slater. The return of Big Mo and Charlie's re-appearance makes one realise the wide dearth of elderly characters on the programme. At the moment, there's only the appalling Cora the Bora and Patrick, who's an excellent patriarchal figure, when he's not drinking with Cora. Charlie and Patrick were mates, and Big Mo can certainly hand Cora her ample arse. Besides, Big Mo has a link with the sorely missed Pat - they were sisters-in-law. I know many are against Charlie Slater returning, but as a background character รก la Roy Evans, he'd be fine.
Besides, Kat's present to Alfie is going to be a new baby.
Again, I'm in the minority, but I like Kat and Alfie and I like them together. The one thing Newman did get right was getting the Moons back together, even at the expense of the Mitchell spoiled child-woman.
The (New) Dirty Girl.
Furtive looks exchanged in the pub, snogging down the alleyway, chasing married men. I know Jake's got a beard and looks like he stinks, but he ain't Jesus, and Mary Magdalene had more class. She didn't put on funny voices and gurn around, which is what ...
THE. WORST. ACTRESS. EVER. TO. APPEAR. IN. EASTENDERS
did tonight. Sat across from Jake, who's being presented as the hen-pecked husband of the domineering Sadie - a stranger from nowhere who's suddenly demanding a Christmas Day Street Party (as if), we're listening to Sadie bemoan the fact that their oven's broken and therefore, Jake must cook their family dinner at the restaurant and bring it home. Max is having turkey troubles as well. Who wants to bet that the Stones and the Brannings end up breaking bread (and heads) together on Christmas Day?
You know, I think DTC would be wise to give up on Jacqueline Jossa. An unappealing character played by a grossly untalented actress, she's been paired in two love relationship storylines and neither have worked. The actress wants to go to proper drama school. Show her the axe and send her there.
The Real Thing
The (Un)Holy Family.
Rosie Spraggan is a food-obsessed version of mini-Heather on helium.
She is not cute. And the way she mispronounces "chimney" is not endearing, nor was her self-introduction to Santa Clause and her Christmas wish...
I wish my mum and dad and everyone I love can be together for Christmas.
To be countered with Bianca's adamant whisper ...
It ain't gonna happen.
Bianca's arrogance and entitlement are astounding - that she would actually expect, force two children of whose existence she was never aware some weeks ago, to deny their mother and spend Christmas with her and her lot - now their family is utterly mean and cruel.
I don't know what she expects. She's well pissed when Nikki shows up at Santa's grotto, and even more pissed when the Spraggan sprogs are elated to see their mother. Why wouldn't they be? She is their mother. In fact, it would do me a world of good to hear Liam or Tiffany mention Ricky from time to time - maybe that they miss him at Christmas. Bianca certainly doesn't.
She doesn't give a rat's arse that the Spraggan kids' mum and Ricky, the father of two of her kids and the de facto father of the third, is spending the holidays on his own. But that's Bianca, with her I'm-All-Right-Jack-Fuck-You attitude. There'd be hell to pay if Ricky had the kids, shacked up with another woman and refused to allow Bianca to see them at Christmas.
At least Terry has a conscience, which probably means he's a weak man. He's always spent Christmas with Nikki, even after they split. It makes his kids happy, so he's willing to compromise and hopes Bianca is as well.
And, once again, we see how everything is about Bianca. She's notice Carol's strange demeanor lately and never once has it occurred to her that her mother might be ill or worried about something. No, Bianca is certain Carol's disliking the stranger and his children Bianca's picked up and brought into the home.
Bianca is an awful character. I have to say, Nikki Spraggan makes Bianca look like the chavviest of chavs.
The Forgotten Brannings.
Last year, their old man bowed out, this year, Alice and Joey are departing. It says it all that not one single member of the Branning family bothered to attend Alice's plea hearing. Granted, Carol had other things on her mind, but she could have at least answered his texts and cried off attending with some excuse. She's certainly made a big enough case of Alice being her niece beforehand.
And, arguably, the best performance David Witts has ever made as Joey was his last scene tonight, when his face spoke volumes at seeing Lauren down the alleyway with Jake the Peg.
Alice has pleaded guilty to murder. The "evidence" David has against Janine is inadmissable in a court of law. Alice could get life. That's how much the current regime wanted rid of MyAlice.
Let's hope all allusion to Derek Branning stops here.
Merry Christmas.
No comments:
Post a Comment